The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Lainey Loves Lionel - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: The
'80s gave us the multiplex.

Ten glorious movies
under one roof,

a heaven where you could
literally spend a whole day inside,

delighting in mystery, action,

and some of the
greatest films ever made.

One for E. T. One for
Indiana Jones, please.

One ticket for Mannequin.
One for The Lost Boys, please.

One for Weekend at Bernie's.

They put sunglasses on a corpse.

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: And then a movie
came along that changed everything



for countless young men
on the verge of adulthood.

Porky's! Oh, yes!

Hell no!

Do you realize that movie is
packed with potty language,

adult situations,
and Florida attitude?

Yeah. That's why
I want to see it.

Not with those beautiful
and innocent eyes.

One's kind of wonky.
The other one's all right.

Point is, no Porky's.

It's rated R, and you
need my permission,

which I will never,
ever, ever give.

Well, in a few years, I won't
even need your permission.

I'll just rent it on Beta.

Well, not if I contact every
video store in the state.



Well, I'll legally
change my name.

Well, then I'll do a mass
mailing with your photo.

Well, then I'll have extensive
plastic surgery and change my face.

Well, then I'll hire the A-Team to
capture you and bring you home.

Well, then I'll hire Delta Force
to combat your precious A-Team.

What's going on with you two?

What's going on is,
you're a good boy.

And if I say that
movie isn't appropriate,

then you'll listen.

(GASPS) What about Annie, huh?

I hear you singing
It's a Hard-Knock Life

every morning when
you make your poopalas.

ADULT ADAM: But my
mom was on to something.

That little redhead would
be our perfect cover.

Okay. Just got
our Annie tickets.

Now all we got to do
is sneak into Porky's.

This is it.

The last time we'll
see each other as boys.

Bear witness to the end
of my innocence, bro.

Okay, no one panic,
but I'm like 99.9% sure

that ticket guy is on to us!

You're freaking out.

I am not!

Then why is your voice
all high and squeaky?

That's just how I sound now.

Stop yapping and
come on already.

Wait! We missed
the first minute!

All the naughty stuff
will be way less enjoyable

if we don't understand
how it fits into the story!

ADULT ADAM: It was
one of those moments

that show you
what you're made of.

Was I gonna stay
a scared little boy,

or would I become a man?

No, Annie! There's
no way to go but up.

How is this not rated R?

This wasn't in the
stage production.

I was not prepared for this.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
February 10, 1980-something,

and Valentine's Day was
right around the corner.

Barry, you know I love you,

but please don't be an idiot
and go crazy on Valentine's Day.

- I mean it.
- What?

All I asked was

if there was anywhere to park a
hot-air balloon on your property.

I'm serious.

I'm not one of those girls who
likes big public displays of affection.

Just keep it small, okay?

ADULT ADAM: Back then,
"keeping it small" meant

my brother's only option
was the Love-A-Gram.

It made the cool
kids feel cooler

and the lonely goobers
feel even lonelier.

Hey, uh, I'd like to send a
flower to chemistry class for...

Um... (CHUCKLES)

Yourself?

It's okay, Naked Rob.

You'll find love one day.

Hey, man. How you doing?

Uh, I'm fine.

Gah! You're always
just, like, right there.

Enough already. Okay?

Look, just do what every
high-school boy on the planet does.

Get her flowers.

You want me to
get Lainey flowers?

They're nature's trash!
They don't even do anything.

Trust me. Every
girl loves roses.

(SINGSONG VOICE) Erica Goldberg!

I got roses for you!

Crap. Why?

Don't you just love V-Day? Ooh!

Here. I got 100 roses
from your secret admirer.

A hundred? Come on, man!

How mysterious and sexy.

Not to mention
bulky and unwieldy.

Who knows? Maybe today, your
secret admirer will reveal himself

and you'll realize that love was
under your nose the whole time.

Or I tell him that I have
no feelings for him at all

and we shake hands
and go our separate ways.

Or you kiss him 'cause you
realize you're soul mates.

Or I knee him in the coin purse
because now he's getting creepy.

(SIGHS) I was so close.

Were you, though?

ADULT ADAM: While
Erica was breaking hearts,

my friends were bragging
about breaking in to Porky's.

I feel like Porky's graphic
adult content wasn't blatant.

It was earned, you know?

I feel like, at its core, it
was a story of friendship.

- Mmm.
- And boobs.

(CHUCKLES) Not to be this
guy, but Kim Cattrall is so hot.

Pfft! Know who's even hotter?

Miss Hannigan from Annie.

I mean, not in a conventional
way, but there's something there.

This is just sad, pal.

MURRAY: I can't believe it.

The boy saw Annie
instead of Porky's.

My Lord, you raised a wuss.

Me? He's your son.

I take a casual, non-committal
approach to parenting.

You're the one in the trenches.

He's not a wuss.

He's a good boy.

Too good!

Now's the time for taking chances
and spreading his wings a bit.

Would you rather take over?

Let's not get crazy.

How about that scene in
gym class with Ms. Balbricker?

- That was crazy!
- (LAUGHS) Yes!

You want to talk
crazy, Carol Burnett.

She acts, sings, and dances.

She's a Swiss Army
Knife of entertainment.

Okay, yeah. That was
full wuss right there.

ADULT ADAM: So,
I wasn't a bad boy.

But at least my girlfriend always
appreciated my sensitive side.

Jeez, I wish I was gonna
see you on Valentine's Day.

You know what's just as
good as me going to Seattle?

A 10-minute phone date
where we eat the same pasta

and watch the same
episode of Diff'rent Strokes.

It's really not.

(AS ARNOLD JACKSON)
What you talking about, Dana?

(TIMER DINGS)

(NORMAL VOICE)
Dang it. That's time.

- Aw. Just a few more minutes?
- I can't.

You know how crazy my parents
get about the long-distance bills.

It's, like, a huge rule.

Some rules are
made to be broken.

What the hell was that about?

I think he's saying
you can break the rule

and we can keep talking.

No way. He's bluffing.

Not bluffing.

What kind of crazy
mind game is this?

Maybe it's not a game.

- Oh, it's a game.
- Not a game.

- He said it's not a game.
- It's worse! It's a trap!

It's not a damn trap!

It's a trap, and I'm
gonna hang up and win!

- But he said...
- (DIAL TONE)

My God. What are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing?

Get out of my head, man!

Adam, you're a good kid.

But sometimes,
you got to take a risk,

like breaking the phone
rule or going to see Porky's.

Shh. Don't say the "P" word
when the "M" word is around.

My point is, seeing
an R-rated movie,

that might be a rule
that's okay to break.

Hey, I break plenty of rules!

Jaywalking, I once
ran with scissors.

They were safety scissors,
and I lied about the jaywalking.

So lying! Lying
is on the list now.

Okay. That's it.

Tomorrow, I'm taking
you to see Porky's.

What about Mom?

She'll never find out.

- What's going on in here?
- Porky's!

- What?
- Porky's!

Pork and beans. The boy
wants pork and beans for dinner.

It's tuna taco Tuesday,

but I can move
some things around.

Good suggestion,
my little angel.

Boy, you're really
not good at this.

ADULT ADAM: While I was
being forced to break the rules...

Psst! Hey, dummy!

(LAUGHS) You looked!
Means you're a dummy.

But seriously, I need your
help and advice. Come on.

ADULT ADAM: Erica
was about to discover that

Barry broke into
the AV Club room.

Okay, I know you told
me to buy Lainey flowers,

but that's just too small a
gift for the love of my life.

Luckily, I figured out the
perfect Valentine's gift to get her.

A new boyfriend? Burn!

I don't agree with your
insult, but I respect it.

Anyway, I was watching MTV,

and this crazy genius
video popped up.

And there it was, the
answer I was looking for.

(SINGING) Hello

Hello? How is this the answer?

Lainey loves Lionel.

And this video right here is
the most romantic story ever told.

Granted, Lionel is cool and
can pull off a striped sweater,

but this whole video
is, like, super weird.

ADULT ADAM: Thirty-three
years before Adele,

this was the "Hello" that
took the world by storm,

thanks to Lionel Richie.

He's in love with a blind girl.

He follows her through the
halls and she has no idea.

- It's so romantic.
- Is it?

Yes! And she loves him, too!

Just look at the sculpture
she made of his face.

It's scary but sincere.

What does this have to do with
Valentine's Day, or anything?

Duh! I'm gonna be just like the
video and make Lainey a clay bust.

Oh, it's wonderful.

WOMAN: This is how I see you.

The point is, stop
while you're ahead.

Trust me. Girls don't like it
when a guy tries too hard.

What up, what up? Guess
who's all about VD today.

Wait. That sounded really bad.

I've got math class,
Geoff. What do you need?

Me? Nothing. Just thought you'd
need something from your locker.

Nope.

Well, maybe just check to
see that everything's okay.

- Why wouldn't it be okay?
- Just open it!

(SCREAMS)

What the hell?

Doves. Someone must like you.

Dear Lord! They
pooped all over my stuff!

It's like a bottle of Elmer's
Glue exploded in there.

Geoff, this has to stop.

Don't worry. I'll go
get some paper towels.

Geoff to the rescue.
I'm such a good guy.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
was trying to ignore Geoff,

my dad just wanted
me to ignore the rules.

All right, son.

I'm not looking.

Now's your chance to
go see your jiggle movie.

What? Aren't you coming with me?

Who's gonna buy me a ticket?

That would defeat
the whole purpose!

You got to do this on your own.

You buy a ticket for Annie,

and then you sneak into Porky's.

Easy-peasy.

But I just saw Annie.

You think they'll believe I'd see
that garbage twice in a week?

(DOOR SQUEAKING)

Even better. Now it's free.

Now you're telling me to cheat the
theater out of the price of a ticket?

All right. That's
it. I've had enough.

You go see that movie
now or you're punished.

What? You can't punish
me for not breaking the rules!

- Move it now!
- Fine!

But I'll never forgive
you for helping me

get into the movie
I've been dying to see.

ADULT ADAM: Even though I
was doing exactly what my dad said,

for the first time in my
life, I felt like a total rebel.

Showtime.

That is, until someone
interrupted the movie.

Excuse me. Pardon me, everyone.

I hate to interrupt your smut,

but my innocent
little boy is in here.

(GASPS) She's here!

I know you're in here, Adam!

A mother always knows.

- Surrender!
- Oh, balls.

I don't mean to judge any
of you, but you're all terrible.

Best of luck.

ADULT ADAM: Valentine's
Day was fast approaching,

and Barry had finally found
the perfect gift for Lainey.

How long have you been here?

Been in here since
the crack of dawn,

but it'll all make sense once
you see my masterpiece.

(SINGING) Hello

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (SCREAMS)

Was that a scream of delight?

That was terror!

Seriously, this thing is
gonna haunt me forever.

- In a good way?
- Who gets haunted in a good way?

Kevin Costner in
Field of Dreams.

Okay, that was a
fantastic example.

- But this thing is beyond disturbing.
- "Thing"?

It looks like Sloth from The
Goonies got botched plastic surgery.

It's clearly Lainey.

Lainey?

It looks like someone sat on a
puppet from The Dark Crystal.

Damn it! Okay. I
know what I got to do.

See, the girl in
the video was blind.

I've been looking at
Lainey with my eyes,

when I should really be
looking at her with my hands.

Hands are the eyes of the arms.

I don't know, man.

This whole thing is
just so off the rails.

Ceramics, am I right?

Can we talk about us?

There isn't an "us".

And you're, like,
terrible at icebreakers.

Cool. Cool. So, I've come
to a major life decision.

- We're done.
- Sweet.

You do realize what that means.

Now you have to just sit back

and watch me date
a parade of hot ladies,

knowing in your heart
that you missed out.

Well, live and learn.

Okay, but you're making me
uncork all this charm I've been hiding!

Hey. Hallways, am I right?

You broke my rules,
you broke my trust,

and you broke my heart.

The bad-boy triple axel.

Well, gold medal, bad boy.

You are grounded for a month.

No Nintendo, no
telephone, no snuggies.

What? You can't do that.

You're right.

I'm not gonna deny
myself snuggies

just because you
love perverted cinema.

We can snug, but still, no
Nintendo and no telephone.

But Sunday's Valentine's Day.

I have a whole phone
date planned with Dana.

Well, too bad. And
if you think I'm angry,

just wait till your
dad gets going.

This is gonna get ugly.

You're gonna hear it!

Brace yourself, boy!

I am so proud of you.

Please. Don't be.

Oh, but I am.

Go and make Mom unground me.

I can't do that.
You broke the rules.

Because of you!

And you have my respect.

I don't want it!

I want to have my first
Valentine's Day with my girlfriend.

You are angry and defiant.

And it makes my heart full.

No! Stop! Empty your heart.

Way to go, son.

Don't call me "son" with pride.

- Ever again.
- Son.

You really want me
to break the rules?

That's exactly
what I'm going to do!

ADULT ADAM: And so, I
started my life as a rule breaker,

big time.

One ticket to Seattle, please.
My girlfriend lives there.

Flying alone today, kid?

Uh... Is that a problem?

Nope, but you can meet the captain
and we'll let you steer the plane.

ADULT ADAM: Lucky
for me, it was the '80s.

Things were a tad
looser back then.

As I was off to
see my Valentine,

Barry was still feeling his out.

- Hey, babe.
- (AS LIONEL RICHIE) Hello.

Oh, boy.

And with that, Barry
did some research.

Terrible, invasive research.

Did you trim your nose hairs?

Your forehead's so big.

What's that right there?
I never noticed that.

Your eye looks different today.

- What's going on?
- What's happening right now?

Nothing. Just passing on
by before social studies class.

Thought I'd give
you a little face feel.

(CHUCKLES) Please don't touch
my face. You got Tater-Tot hands.

That is a big noggin! (CHUCKLES)

Dude! I don't know what
this is, but now I'm pissed!

- Well done.
- Wait. How many teeth do you have?

- Let me count your teeth!
- LAINEY: Ugh!

Teeth, am I right?

Stop doing what you're doing!

No, it's not what you think,
okay? I just wanted to say sorry.

I've been annoying. I get it.

Spending all that
money on flowers

and white pigeons
was a real wake-up call.

I thought they were doves.

You put gross albino
pigeons in my locker?

The point is, I give up, okay?

I made a deal with myself.

If I couldn't win you
over by Valentine's Day,

then it was time to move on.

So, I guess friends?

For sure. Friends.

ADULT ADAM: There it
was, the one word that killed

any romantic relationship.

That was very
mature of you, man.

Oh, no. Just wait. Here's
where she turns around,

gives me a longing look
because she didn't realize

what she had until now.

It's my master plan. Here we go.

Right now!

Right now!

Right now!

(SNIFFS)

(SIGHS) It's over, bro.

Shut up, Robert. Everyone
knows you gave yourself that flower.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff realized
he had to get over his broken heart,

I was breaking the rules.

Suck on this, Murray Goldberg.

CAPTAIN: (OVER PA) Welcome
aboard. This is your captain.

Our flight time to Seattle
will be about five hours.

Wait. Did he say "five hours"?

Rough weather in the Midwest,
so we'll see some minor turbulence.

"Minor turbulence"?

Oh, that's not great.

Or major turbulence.

Just, uh, please keep
your seat belts fastened.

They don't know?
They should know!

Oh, God! Why am I here?

What have I done?

ADULT ADAM: Sure, as
a boy, I was afraid of flying.

But as a man, I wasn't gonna
wuss out and call my parents.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Murray!

(CHEERING ON TV)

(VOLUME INCREASES)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

BEVERLY: Murray!

I can't! I'm busy!

- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Murray!

Fine.

(TV SHUTS OFF)

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Who is it?

Adam's at the airport.

Seattle?

I mean, really?

You are not dressed for
that kind of rainy weather.

At the very least,
pack some duck boots.

I mean, you could have
gotten a head cold and died!

Dad said to break the
rules, so that's just what I did.

I meant leave the seat up!

Eat a grape at the supermarket!

Not fly across the damn country!

But, deep down,
you're proud of me.

No, I'm the opposite of that.

Got you. Mom's here,

so you can't give me
the respect that I deserve.

No respect! You're a moron!

Yep. I really am.

You really are.

Let's just all agree,

in the future we leave the
parenting to me and Bev.

Yes. For sure.

Absolutely.

Guys, guys, I think
the headline here is that

- I did the right thing in the end.
- True.

I cried until they turned
that plane around.

That was not easy and cost
me every bit of my dignity.

He did do that.

And I did not try smoking,

even though the other passengers
said it would calm my nerves.

You should head upstairs now.

Same goes for the
tiny vodka bottles.

Head upstairs now.

Everybody go!

Well, I hope you're happy.

You've ruined our son.

Adam used to be a good boy,
and now he's a real (BLEEP).

I'm not gonna
apologize for that.

Bevy, do you really want to
have the only kid in the world

who's afraid to see
an R-rated movie?

Yes!

That's the dream.

Well, it's not mine.

Look, I know I'm not down in
the trenches like the two of you,

but we need to raise a man.

One who's not afraid
to go out and take a risk,

even if it means
disappointing us.

ADULT ADAM:
Valentine's Day had arrived,

and Barry was finally ready
to unveil his masterpiece.

Dude, are you still in
here making Lainey heads?

I'm so close, Erica!

Come. Prepare
yourself for beauty.

(SINGING) Hello

- Oh, no!
- Okay. That's a no.

Don't worry. Got
many more. Behold.

(SINGING) Hello

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Ew.

Okay. Good note.

Feast your eyes on this.

(SINGING) 'Cause you
know just what to say

I got one you're gonna love.

And you know just what to do

That's supposed
to be your girlfriend?

And I want to tell you so much

I love you

- No, stop.
- (MUSIC STOPS)

You can't show Lainey any
of these clay monstrosities.

She'll think you're
a serial killer.

I know.

I blew it.

I ruined the first Valentine's
with the girl of my dreams.

Barry?

Lainey! Lainey, don't
look at me, please,

or anything else in this room.

Also, happy Valentine's Day.

What the...

You made all this
for me? (CHUCKLES)

So, you like them?

Don't take this the wrong
way, but they're nightmares.

This was supposed to
be your Valentine's gift.

I just wanted to show
how I see you, but...

It's just impossible to make
something as beautiful as you.

Barry, I told you
not to go all crazy.

I know, but the fact
that you love me

more than any man in this
world is everything to me.

It's everything.

The fact that you'd sit here
for days and try over and over...

That's exactly why I
love you, you big idiot.

(SINGING) I've been alone
with you Inside my mind

And in my dreams
I've kissed your lips

A thousand times

I saw that.

What?

Ew. You saw nothing.

Lights out.

And Mom says no sneaking TV.

Still punished. Got it.

Got to say,

flying to Seattle?

You really took a big swing.

Don't worry. I'll
get the hang of it.

ADULT ADAM: That night, I
decided to start breaking the rules,

but it wasn't because
my dad said to

or because I thought I
would prove I was a man.

I did it simply because

I was a boy in love with a girl.

And after being in
such a hurry to grow up,

in that moment, I just
wanted time to stop.

And I was willing
to risk everything.

He snuck out to call Dana.

Well, what do you know?

- You gonna bust him?
- Oh, for sure.

But he's a good boy.

I'll give him a
couple of minutes.

ADULT ADAM: That's
the thing about love.

It makes you want to take
risks and go out on a limb,

no matter the consequence.

But for the right person,
it's totally worth it.

Ugh. Why is that
Lainey head here?

They made me remove them
all from the school premises

'cause they were
scaring the first graders.

Me and the JTP are gonna blow
this one up with some fireworks.

Do it now. I am not gonna
sleep with that thing in the house.

Oh, my...

I get it. I suck at sculpturing.

No.

Baby, you're a genius.

And I am so honored that
this is how you see me.

I mean, what a beautiful
tribute to the love of your life...

- Me.
- Oh, no.

Mom, just so you
know, this is actually

a sculpture of Lainey's head.

Toss it in the trash.

ADAM: That's my
stupid brother right there.

He's talking
with his girlfriend.

What was that?