The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Double Dare - full transcript

Back in the '80s, game shows ruled the TV.

There was "Pyramid," "Wheel of Fortune,".

"Jeopardy!", and "The Newlywed Game."

But to us kids, none came
close to "Double Dare."

It was the world's best game show,

filled with trivia, physical challenges,

and host Marc Summers,

who managed to smile even
when his nice suits got messy.

Idiots!

The flag is under the giant pad of butter!

Always look under the butter.



If we ever get on this show,

imagine all the prizes we'd win.

We'd be strutting around in
our brand-new British knights,

jammin' out to our Panasonic
portable sound system,

as we chow down on a year's
supply of Chef Boyardee.

It's all our dreams wrapped into one.

But the coolest part...
It was filmed in Philly,

which meant one thing.

All right. Shut your giggle holes.

I have two announcements.

First, whoever wrote my phone
number in the boys' bathroom

will be found.

I called and asked if his
refrigerator was running.

It wasn't, so it ended up being sad.



Second, some game show called "Double Dare"

is holding auditions at our school,

and two of you will be
picked to be on their show.

Now let's get those bodies TV-ready.

Dude, this is seriously
the best day of my life,

and I once got mistaken
for Mary Lou Retton.

Dorothy Hamill.

We're actually gonna be on "Double Dare."

You two so have this in the bag.

Bro, you don't have a prayer.

Shut up, Dave Kim. This
face was made for TV.

But that voice... youch.

You two can't compete with Handsome Ben.

He was right.

We all had one growing up...

The vicious rival who always won.

Who always beats you
out for class president?

Handsome Ben.

And who always gets
the lead in the musical?

Handsome Ben.

Who was first in line
to see "Temple of Doom"?

Handsome Ben.

You had to sit in the second row,

like a chump.

Fine! You're right! He wins every time.

But this will be different.

Will it?

Look at him.

Hey, A.G. Hey, Dave Kim.

- Hi, Ben.
- Hey, buddy.

You're right. He's amazing.

My only real shot is to
win over the producers

by picking a partner
that'll make me stand out.

Perhaps someone like...

"Cute Dave Kim."

No one calls you that.

I was thinking Pops.

Your grandfather?

Nothing wins people over
more than an adorable old man.

Handsome Ben is going down.

Kid won't know what hit him.

It was fall 1980-something,

and Barry and my dad were sitting down

to what they did every Sunday...

- Watch The Eagles...
- Go, baby, go, baby, go!

- ... for better or worse.
- Fumble?! No!

That's it. Season's over.

- It's the first game year.
- They already blew it.

We got to fire the coach

and start thinking about next year.

Whenever they'd watch, my
dad would turn on the team,

while my brother was hopelessly positive.

Look, all we need is a
turnover, a touchdown,

a 2-point conversion, an onside kick,

and two more touchdowns.

Or 12 safeties.

Turn it off! I can't take it anymore.

And they each handled an Eagles
loss in their own special way.

Hey, buddy. Got you a new burger flipper.

I noticed your old spatula
was a little worse for wear.

Look at you. Always so damn nice, huh?

Well, I'm sick of it.

Lashing out because The Eagles lost?

And I'm sick of your face.

I'll just leave this and go.

I will kill you with this spatula,

you thoughtful, thoughtful man!

As for my brother, an Eagles loss meant

several heartbroken
days of utter depression.

Hey. Hugh Hefner. Cover
your downstairs stuff.

You're in school, not the grotto.

The Eagles lost.

Ohhh.

Take the day.

Make room, everybody!
Eagles fan coming through!

Thankfully, a new week meant a new chance

for my dad and bro to
help The Eagles win...

Through a series of crazy superstitions.

Let's get this going.

I got on my good-luck
jersey and underpants.

Now time for some pregame cabbage patching

to supercharge our good luck.

Even if the superstitions

breached the boundary of common sense.

Do it better! The Eagles need us!

Or any sense at all.

Who wants some double-cheesy nachos?

Stop where you're at!

Mom, you know the rules!

Once you step foot on the den
floor, The Eagles will lose.

What happens in this house
has no impact on the game.

That is adorable.

I am not bad luck.

Would you just stop with this already?

What happened the first
Sunday after we got married,

when you insisted on
watching the game with me?

They lost by six stupid touchdowns.

Just come and get your nachos.

Mom, you know the rules.

Once the game starts, we
can't move from our spot.

Now truck it over on the animal.

This '80s toy monster truck
was their typical lifeline,

mostly due to its retractable
claws for stability.

The claws did nothing!

Stay back! Don't clean it up!

There's hot cheese on my rug!

That's its home now!

She jinxed us!

Do your idiot dance!

Pops, I have amazing news!

You're gonna be my
partner on "Double Dare"!

That's the best news I've heard all day.

Also, what's "Double Dare"?

Only the country's hottest game show.

You love game shows, right?

You bet.

That Vanna White sure can turn a letter.

Ha ha!

Don't say any of that at our audition.

In fact, leave all the talking to me.

You sure you don't want to do this

with one of your little friends?

Nah. She'll understand.

Ow! You punched me in the heart!

You're picking your
grandfather over me? Seriously?

You know it's been my dream
to go on "Double Dare."

It's selfish of you not to support that.

How am I the weak link?

You got flat feet and a lazy eye.

That "Double Dare" human-hamster
wheel will eat you alive.

I had no choice.

This is the only way

I can beat my lifelong rival, Handsome Ben.

Dude, you're not his rival.
It's totally one-sided.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Hey, Ben.

'Sup, Adam?

Good luck at the "Double Dare" tryouts.

I hope you get it.

Stupid, generous Handsome Ben.

Well, I don't need you.

I'm gonna make it on the show and win,

and I won't save any slime for you!

Is that a new trapper keeper, Adam?

Sweet.

Just got it. Thanks.

I will bury you.

While I was plotting to
beat my lifelong rival,

my mom had plotted a way into the den.

What... what is this? What are you doing?

Don't worry. I'm not touching the floor.

I'm just gonna bust some
dust and be on my way.

Poop!

- Bevy, please! Come on!
- Dear lord, no!

And then something crazy happened.

Oh!

The Eagles intercepted

the moment my mom stepped on the floor.

And as soon as she left...

Come on! Are you kidding?

... The Eagles fumbled.

Dude. Did you see that?

When Mom was in here,
The Eagles kicked butt.

The second she left,
The Eagles sucked butt.

What are you saying?

Do you think Mom's good luck?

No. It's just a dumb coincidence.

Only one way to find out.

- Kee-ya!
- What the hell?!

Shut up. Shut up.

Mom! I think Dad spilled something!

Hey, hey!

It's okay. I've always got a rag.

It's a mom secret.

They sacked Bradshaw.

Get it! Get it! Get it!

... and they did.

Good god, Mom did it!

No! That was just another coincidence.

You keep your mother
out of this. Understand?

Understand what? I heard "mother."

I'm the mother. Here I am.

Dude, all these years, we've got it wrong.

You're not a jinx.

You're like a real, actual lucky charm.

Thank you, schmoo.

No. Stop.

There's no such thing as actual luck.

Then why are you wearing your
lucky Jersey and underpants?

This helps The Eagles win, not your mother.

Looks like those greeny guys
are celebrating something.

They scored!

Mom stays... stays forever.

Oh! Ha! This is gonna be fun!

Go, greeny birds!

No.

We have a system when we watch football,

and the number-one rule of
that system is "no talking."

Naturally, my mom respected the rules...

Until the next week, when she didn't.

Are the players married
to the cheerleaders?

Do you think their families are mad

'cause they work on Sundays?

Ugh! Look at those grass
stains. Who washes those pants?!

Aren't we all patriots?

Oh ho! Look at that big, snuggly pileup.

Why does the throwy guy
keep putting his hands

in the other guy's butt?

I have a better name for a team...

The Yankee Doodles.

You know what? Who wants bagel bites?

'Cause I'm gonna put some in the oven.

What do I set it at... 2,000?

No! Murray, you know the rule.

Don't touch any knobs in the kitchen.

Hey! Come back fast.
We need you on defense.

Isn't this great?

Woman's got to go.

What? No! She's part of the game ritual.

There's no going back.

A man needs time away from his wife,

and for me, football is that time.

So, what? You're just
gonna tell her to go away?

You know Mom. It'll crush her.

Don't worry. I'll be sensitive.

Hey, honey.

Would you put that down and get out?

What?!

Listen, it's not that I don't love

spending every moment with you,

but you don't understand football,

and it's distracting.

Well, that sounds like an excuse.

Okay, imagine if I go
to your scrapbook club

and every few seconds,

I interrupt you with a question

about what glitter I should use.

Well, that would be ridiculous

because there's opaque,
translucent, chunky,

micro-fine, spray-on,
brush-on... squeeze-on...

Oh.

I get it.

I'll go.

That means a lot, bevy.

And that's how you do marriage.

And so my mom got the message.

Teach me everything about football.

You've come to the right place.

It was just the wrong message.

Let's start with the basics.
This is the quarterback.

These are the linemen,
receivers, running back.

Question...

What do all those words mean?

Simplifying, there's offense and defense.

Question... are those
things I should already know?

Simplifying...

This is a football.

Question...

Is the plural of "football" "feetball"?

Ohh! God!

Why won't anyone answer me?
What are you people hiding?

My god. I can't take this anymore.

Look, there is only one
way to teach Mom anything...

Put it in terms she understands.

Okay, this is a football,

but I want you to imagine
it's actually me as a baby.

Aww!

Ooh!

Now, your job is to protect
that baby at all costs.

Of course.

Who are they?

Hi, Erica! You called,
and I came right away.

Isn't that nice of me?

As you can see, they're the enemy.

We call them the defensive line.

Their job is to stop you.

Translation... they're a band
of evil college recruiters,

wanting to take your
precious little girl away

to... an out-of-state university.

But that's too far. How
will I see you every day?

You've only got one choice...
get that baby back to our house.

Or the end zone.

Please move.

- No way.
- Please move!

- Oh, we're comin' for you.
- Gimme that baby!

- Never!
- Hike!

- Go! Go!
- Oh.

Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Whoo!

I made it home!

I made it home.

Or the end zone.

Oh! I get it!

Come on, guys. Where's the "D"?

I just don't know where to touch her.

Maybe I should just cover Erica.

I hate you so much, Geoff.

Shut it, okay? It's enough.

While my mom was ready for game day,

I was ready for my game-show debut.

Hi, kids. I'm Zane, and this is Ellen.

We've set up a practice course

to simulate actual "Double Dare."

Now pick a partner.

That's right. Let's get messy!

Yep, I knew exactly how
to wow the producers.

Three words... make an entrance.

Sorry we're late.

Me and my best friend got
held up on the public bus.

No way. You can't pick a cute old man.

That's not fair.

Sorry, sister... not against the rules.

I checked.

What kind of a farkakte game show is this?

I thought it was just trivia.

Oh, it is... and some physical challenges.

It looks slimy and unsafe.

You're Pops! You can do anything!

What the [Bleep] is that thing?

You play tennis and date twins

and drink Martinis when the sun's out.

Yes, I do sample from
the salad bar of life.

Then let's show 'em what we're made of.

Go, go, go! You got it.

I can't find the damn flag.

Look under the pad of butter!

They always hide it
under the pad of butter!

Aw, there's no flag here!

This is my good tracksuit!

Why am I here?

Oh, no, no!

This is not a game show!

Faster!

Po...

I'm not a hamster! I'm a human man!

That... Did not go well.

No, it did not.

I'm sorry I let you down, kiddo.

I'm gonna dig my watch out
of the butter and leave.

Well, how'd it go with
your adorable best friend?

Great. So great.

Listen, I was thinking...

Our friendship is too important.

We should be partners.

I don't think so.

See, I already got a partner.

You ready to rock, muscles?

Seriously?

Of all the people, you
ditch me for that putz?

Now you know how it feels.

Well, we'll see how you feel
when Handsome Ben chokes.

He's got the looks, but not the chops.

Done.

And I got the course record, too.

Balls!

That is one hard schnoz.

As I was losing a best friend...

Set... Hike!

... my mom was learning
how to win at feetball.

Touchdown!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

You're in my house now!

You're gonna come in
and take off your shoes

'cause I just vacuumed.

That's how "in my house" you are!

Whoo!

I think our work here is done.

I have a feeling your dad
is gonna be a very happy man!

Let's go, Eagles "D"!

- Sack!
- Yes!

Yes, baby.

Turns out learning football
just ruined it for my dad.

Isn't this great?

Mur, you got it all.

Yeah, she did the thing I asked her to do,

so it'd be wrong of me to complain.

Watch... next play, they're
gonna throw the long ball.

That's nuts. It's third and short.

They're gonna go up the middle.

No. They're expecting the rush.

Gah! Stop saying things
with sports-fueled knowledge!

Let's all just not talk
until The Eagles win, okay?

Unfortunately for my dad, they
really were expecting the rush.

Boom! Ha ha!

Who called it?

Mama bird... that's who!

Face!

Aah! That's it!

You got to go.

Go?!

But...

I learned football.

I did what you said.

Thing is, I lied.

Look, I think the key to a
good marriage is time apart,

and for me, football is that time.

Well, I think the key to a good marriage

is spending time together.

But if you don't want me here...

I'll go.

While my "Double Dare"
dreams had been dashed,

Emmy's were looking better than ever,

thanks to athletic, horrible Handsome Ben.

Look at Handsome Ben go.

His feet barely touch the slime.

I feel like it's right...

Here.

- Yes!
- Yes! Got it! Come on.

Well done, kids!

Looks like you two are the team to beat.

Couldn't ask for a better partner.

I think that was directed at you.

Yes! Thank you, Dave Kim.

Looks like all of those
months of practice with Emmy

really paid off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Months?

Yeah, we overheard Coach Mellor
at the beginning of the year

saying "Double Dare" was coming.

- That's when we agreed to partner up and...
- Pbht! What?!

Handsome Ben's just confused.

Let me get this straight.

You picked him before I even asked you?

Kinda.

You've been torturing me for a week,

and you did the exact same thing!

I was at least gonna lie
and let you down easy.

Well, you make a great team...

Handsome Ben and "Sack of crap" Emmy.

Take it back, nerd!

Sure, it was an honest accident.

However, what happened next wasn't.

After that, no one was at their best.

Whoa, whoa!

Both of you... out!

But you said I was a lock.

That was before you made
a mess of this course.

Now go.

Thanks a lot.

Well... Looks like you're
gonna need a new partner.

For sure.

Hey, Amy, be my partner?

Definitely. You're handsome.

Dave Kim... always a bridesmaid.

My dad knew he needed to
make it right with my mom.

Only problem... he had no idea how.

Time to cook the steak-umms!

Hope I don't make a mess!

Why are you narrating
your kitchen experience?

I'm trying to lure your mother downstairs.

I don't know what's
wrong. This always works.

Yeah, well, you really hurt her feelings.

You're a, uh, lady person.

How do I un-hurt them?

Hello? Mom took an interest
in something you love.

Just show her that you
can do the same thing.

What... like yakking
on the phone, shopping,

or pushing the hot thing over the clothes?

Ironing?

No, those are chores.

I'm talking about stuff
that makes her happy,

like jazzercise.

That dancy thing where she
puts on the stretchy clothes

and rolls around on the
ground like a drunk toddler?

Good point. You should focus
on something more your speed.

And by "speed," I mean no speed.

I got it.

Son of a bitch!

This can't be done! No one can do it!

What exactly are you doing?

Scrapbooking... Your
mother's favorite hobby.

But it's a nightmare!

Stupid glue!

Everything I touch sticks to me!

Just calm down, okay? I'm
sure what you made is fine.

Holy crap! What is that?

Our sweet memories.

Why did you cut out the letters?

It looks like a ransom note.

You know I'm not good at penmanship!

Why'd you put "look"?

What am I supposed to look
at... His red demon eyes?

I was trying to make
them sparkle with glitter,

but no one tells you how
complicated glitter is.

It looks like something

- a 10-year-old serial killer would make.
- I know!

Let me break this down for
you in terms you understand.

Imagine this page is the football field

and this baby picture... the quarterback.

As Erica was coaching my dad,

Coach Mellor had the "Double Dare" results.

All right, listen up.

I just found out who got
picked for the game show

that left all sorts of
stains on my gym floor.

And our new TV stars are...

... Handsome Ben and regular Amy.

- We're in! We did it!
- Yes!

Wait... what?

Turns out losing out on "Double Dare"

isn't nearly as bad as
losing your best friend.

Hey.

I'm not talking to you, jackass.

That should've been me.

It should've been us.

There is no us.

Look, I don't blame you for
picking Ben two months ago.

He's not my rival.

He's just amazing.

I guess...

I'm a jackass, too.

Little bit.

So much for always
having each other's backs.

I mean, "Double Dare" tore us apart.

So fast.

Are we, like, terrible best friends?

Maybe.

But if we are,

I hope we're terrible best friends forever.

I'm talking graduation,
college, law school.

Hell, I'm gonna be the bro
of honor at your wedding.

And when you're like 100
and at an old-age home,

I'm gonna be watching "Double Dare"

right there next to you.

You think it'll still be on?

Oh, for sure.

I made you something.

What is this?

I know how hard you worked
learning my favorite thing,

so I thought it was time
I learned about yours.

You made a scrapbook for me?

Pretty good, huh?

No. It's a train wreck.

You glittered where you should've laced,

and you laced where
you should've stenciled.

It's all so complicated!

Doesn't matter.

I love it.

Look, I'm lucky to have a wife

who wants to spend time with a man like me.

So what do you say...

Next time, I tag along
to your scrapbook club?

You were right.

Scrapbooking is my time away.

You just stick with your feetball.

With that, my parents decided

to give each other some space...

Until The Eagles fumbled.

Aah!

That's it. Season's over.

No, all we need's a touchdown,

an onside kick, a field goal,

and then two more touchdowns.

Stop it.

Off to the craft store. Be back in a jiff.

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Come here, come here, come here, come here.

I think The Eagles could
use some of your luck.

That's the thing about the
relationships that matter most.

Sure, they get messy,
and sometimes you fumble,

but when you're a team, you always win.

Ben and Amy, on what TV series

does Andy Griffith regularly play a lawyer?

- "Matlock."
- Yes, right again.

You have another $10.

Guess we should call her "Smart Amy."

_

Ben and Amy, on what TV series

does Andy Griffith regularly play a lawyer?

- "Matlock."
- Yes, right again.

The hell are you doing?
Tryouts were yesterday.

Tryouts for what?