The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Tasty Boys - full transcript

Back in the '80s, my brother
and I never liked the same music.

That is, until we heard a group
that would change our lives forever.

Well, I'm Mike D And
I'm back from the dead

Chillin' at the beach
Down at Club Med

Beastie Boys.

To us, they weren't just a rap
group. They were a way of life.

We copied their videos and
memorized every single lyric.

Simply put, they
were a game-changer.

I'm telling you, dude,
if Mike D met us,

he would be like, "We
should be best friends."

For sure. We're
practically related.



They rap, they party hard,
and they're in the tribe.

All three of them!
What are the chances?

Wait a minute. Do you
realize what this means?

If the Beasties can
make it, so can we.

Answer me this. Do we
not have a license to ill?

Dude, you spelled
"License" wrong.

Don't pass this
offer up, Ad-Rock.

I think you have what it takes

to join my Beastie Boys
inspired super group,

The Tasty Boys.

Could we give it five
more minutes on the name?

No! The name has stuck.

You'd really let me into
your rap super group?

Of course.



Your weird voice sounds
like you have a young man

and an old woman
stuck in your body.

So I'll clearly be
the breakout star.

I accept!

Ill.

We are so ill.

Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to
bed. No one's going to school today.

- But...
- Ba-ba-ba!

We're both ill and sick.

I guess the only thing I can
do is wait on you hand and foot

in front of the TV.

Come on. Yeah.

Being a rap star is awesome!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was January 6,
1980-something.

The fateful day my
mom first laid eyes

- on our neighbors' new kitchen.
- Ta-da!

Everything was brand-new.

It was an '80s
architectural masterpiece

of Formica in every
shade of brown.

- Is that a Lazy Susan?
- It is!

Is this almond-colored?

It's beautiful. Like dirty snow.

This linoleum, it
looks like real tile.

Ooh, it spins around!

Look! The cinnamon was in
the back, and now it's in the front!

And the best part, Charles
did the whole thing himself,

and it cost half the price.

- Get out.
- I swear.

No, get out of my way.

Move your body. I must
speak to Murray now.

Wha...

We're getting a new kitchen.

What's wrong with
the old kitchen?

You just said it. It's old.

It doesn't have what I
need in a kitchen. Hello, Bill.

All you need in the
kitchen is food and forks.

And maybe a cup or two.

Also, you'd be surprised
how often you use a juicer.

Then it's settled. We're
gonna get a juicer.

Damn it, Bevy, you win again.

I mean it. We need to renovate.

This thing should
be in a museum.

A museum of ugly
refrigerators. Blech!

And look at this floor.

No, don't. It'll
give you a seizure.

And what about these
Lazy-Susan-less cabinets?

I've got to move the other spices
out of the way like a wild animal.

Like, "Oh, here's
the tarragon." Oh.

And now I'm stressed out.

She did make a mess.

Bevy, I'd love to give
you a new kitchen,

but it would cost a fortune.

And the materials alone...

I'm a tile man. I'll
hook you up for free.

- Yeah, but the labor.
- I'll install it myself.

Bill, read the room.

I see what this is about.

You don't want this 'cause
you're afraid of change.

What are you talking about?

You're a creature of habit.

For the last 10 years, you've had
the same job, same car, same clothes.

Just because I like
things a certain way

doesn't mean I'm
a creature of habit.

Then how do you explain this?

Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola
announced New Coke,

which sent their old-school
customers into a tailspin.

The second you find out that
Coke is changing their recipe,

you start to stockpile.

What kind of person is
afraid of New Coke? It's nuts.

I'm not afraid.

I just like the
old-timey original kind.

Okay, see? You're
just proving my point.

Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that
big pink orange I ate that one time.

- The grapefruit?
- Yeah.

Never again.

The point is, I love change.

Well, there's gonna be some
big changes around here.

Big changes!

As my mom was
laying down the law,

Barry was laying
down some tracks.

Good afternoon, my name is Barry

I came to get down
And my rhymes are scary

You morons!

I told you to stop going in my
room and stealing my old glasses.

But we need 'em to get
the cool fisheye-lens effect.

Your jacked-up eyeballs are
our hip-hop super group's game.

I'm sorry. Super group?

You may play the guitar
and sing like an angel,

but I'm the real
musician in the family.

I'm just happy he's including
me. Like DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Dude, you're not
a real musician.

You can't sing or read
music or play an instrument,

unlike me, who can do all of it.

Hiding in your bedroom.

You've written tons of lame chick
songs, but no one's ever heard them.

I'm just perfecting each one.

No. You're stalling
'cause you're afraid

of what people
might think of you.

I, on the other hand,
don't think at all.

It's true. He does not think.

Just because you like Beastie
Boys doesn't mean you can be them.

They're three awesome musicians,
and you're two clueless idiots.

You're right. We need a third.

I feel like I could
say anything,

and you would just
do whatever you want.

She's right! We
should hold auditions!

Ah. Check it. One, two

Two, one

Three, two, one

One, two, three

Three, two, one

Ah, wait. I messed up.
Can I start over, guys?

Before you say yes, I
have a list of 200 demands.

My rhymes are hotter
Than a candle's wick

Call a doctor
'cause my flow is sick

The ladies say
Rob's gonna make it

'cause when I rock
the mic I get buck naked

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Is there any way Naked Rob
can rap without getting naked?

Nudity, or I walk.

Yeah, no, okay.

You guys, I thought I could
do this to impress Erica,

but I just, I can't. I
get wicked stage fright.

- You're in.
- What?

Dude! You look
just like Ad-Rock.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Oh, my God. It really is, bro.

Does Ad-Rock break
into hives onstage?

Oh, no.

The room is spinning.
I'm going down.

He said yes! The
Tasty Boys are in!

While my brother and I had
assembled our new group,

my dad had come
home to his old habits.

Oh, look at that.

My creature of habit
dropped his pants at the door.

What a surprise.

- Damn it, I just got home!
- "Damn it, I just got home!"

See? I knew that was
gonna be your reaction.

- Stop aggravating me.
- "Stop aggravating me."

- Drop it already!
- "Drop it already!"

Gah!

If you do just one of
the things on my list

I've been begging you to do for
ages, I'll forget all about the kitchen.

"Wear a turtleneck." No.

"Couples massage." No.

"Floss."

No one does that.

"Yoga?" Never.

"Picnic." Pass.

"Boxer shorts?"

How dare you?

This is the worst list
ever made. I hate this list.

- Just pick one.
- Fine.

"Jean dungarees."

I'll wear your damn
jean dungarees.

For the first time ever,
my dad wore a pair of jeans

to prove to my mom
he could be flexible.

Unfortunately, he
could barely move.

I like them.

Well, tell me what exactly
you like about them, huh?

Be specific.

Well, I like that there's
one leg for each of my legs.

I love the stiff,
unforgiving fabric.

Nope! I can't sit in them!
They chafe, Bevy! They chafe!

My God, you can't even wear a
new pair of pants for 30 seconds?

Fine. I'm a creature of habit.

And you're still not
getting that new kitchen.

Well, I don't need you
to give it for me to get it.

I can get it without
you giving it.

- I don't get it.
- I'm gonna build it myself.

Wait! I can't move!
Take them off!

While my mom was on a mission,

Barry made a precise game plan
on how we'd become rap stars.

Okay!

First up, we need a fly style
to set us apart from the pack.

Run-DMC has Adidas.

Public Enemy wears clocks.

The Fat Boys have obesity.

I got it! We each
dress like a Fraggle.

You be Boober. Geoff is Wembley.

I'll be a Doozer.

No. A Gorg. No! Doozer!

You're mispronouncing
"dork" and "loser."

- Next.
- Oh, I know.

What if we dress like
things that Erica likes?

I could go into her room, poke
around, see what makes her tick.

No, no. That's weird.
You're both weird.

I know exactly the
style we're gonna rock.

Boom!

Now, this is a look.

But aren't we just dressed
exactly like Beastie Boys?

No.

Mike D wears Volkswagen.
I'm wearing Station Wagon.

MCA wears a leather
jacket. Yours is pleather.

Ad-Rock wears a
Stuyvesant Phys Ed shirt.

Yours is from
Jenkintown Elementary.

- Nice.
- Super-different.

Now that we're rocking our
look, there's only one thing left.

Entourage?

You can massage our shoulders,
polish our gold, lie to our wives,

and romance second-tier
groupies not hot enough for us.

We're in.

Picking up the crumbs!

Everything was in place.

And even though the Tasty
Boys didn't have any actual songs,

the next logical step was
to shoot an album cover.

Hey. It's the Pasty Boys.

What are you wannabes doing?

Just locked down
our album cover.

Without writing any songs?

Songs. We got that covered.

Actually, she's right. We
haven't, like, written anything.

Hello? Ever hear of Eric B. &
Rakim? We're just like them!

We don't write. We feel
the beat, let it flow, freestyle.

Wait. Like make it up as
we go? That seems hard.

Is it?

Good afternoon, my name is Barry

I came to get down
And my rhymes are scary

Boom!

He just rhymed
"Barry" with "scary."

All you're gonna do is
embarrass yourselves.

Erica, we're not like
you. We don't live in fear.

Okay. You're delusional.

You can't have an
album without songs.

And you can't be superstars
without ever performing a concert.

She's right. We
need a gig. Huge one!

Okay, not what I meant.

Entourage...

You run west. You run east.

Spread the word that the
Tasty Boys are coming.

- All right.
- Okay.

The hype machine begins.

Even though my dad
was scared of change,

my mom decided to
change the entire kitchen.

What are you doing?

Oh, since you won't build my dream
kitchen, I'm gonna build it myself.

You were serious about that? You
call a hammer a "poundy thingy."

Well, now I don't
need your help,

because now I have someone
on my side who loves change.

Bob Vila from This
Old House. Ha!

That's right. In the '80s,

Bob Vila was the original
voice of DIY home improvement.

Fine. Go ahead.

But I'm not gonna
clean up your mess.

Shows what you know!

With Bob Vila on my
side, I can build anything!

Unfortunately, my mom
didn't build a new kitchen.

She just destroyed the old one,
down to the very last cupboard.

What the hell happened?

I wrecked the kitchen.
Now I have no place to cook.

We're gonna have to
order Italian takeout,

like a bunch of hobos.

That Bob Vila is a
real piece of work.

Building us up, making
us think we could lay tile.

We can't lay tile.

I'll call Bill, and
we'll fix this.

Oh, you would do that for me?

Oh, thank you,
honey. You're the best.

Where did all the tears
go? What's happening?

What's happening is, I
ruined the kitchen on purpose.

No. You wouldn't.

I mean, you would.

I know he'll be happier
when it's all said and done.

I mean, sometimes creatures of
habit just need a tiny bit of nudging.

While my mom was planning
the perfect place to eat,

we had the school eating
from the palm of our hands.

Oh, my God! You're
playing the pep rally?

This is so out of hand.

No, the Tasty Boys
are the real deal.

I heard after the pep rally,
they're playing Live Aid.

I heard Capitol Records gave them
each a Porsche as a signing bonus.

Plus, they're bonkers hot.

No. None of that is true.

You're not true.

Oh, my God, here they come!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Miss. This is a VIP area.

It's okay. She's a groupie.

I am not... Just let me through.

This is crazy.

Why does everyone think you guys
are an actual group with a record deal?

'Cause we told them! Isn't
that genius? It's called hype.

No, it's called lying.

Oh. I see what this is.

You're just mad 'cause
we're getting all the attention.

Kind of seems like
someone's jealous.

Oh, my God, you are insane.
I'm annoyed. I'm not jealous.

I'm so jealous!

Well, you should be.

I heard they're teaming
up with Eric B. & Rakim

for their next record.

What? The hype
has reached you, too?

- Who told you?
- I heard it from Naked Rob.

Dear God.

I've been working on
my music my whole life,

and just watch... Those
idiots are gonna get famous.

Honey, just focus on your
own music. That's what matters.

Now come on. Show
me what you got.

I'd love to, but I have
a scratchy throat.

And Lucky ate my music.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on. It's Pops, your
biggest fan! Play me something.

Okay.

Now, you need to keep
in mind that these songs

- are still a work in progress.
- Gotcha.

- And the lyrics kind of suck.
- Okay.

- And I hate the way I sound.
- Maybe no intro.

There's a voice inside my...

Nope, I'm sorry. I can't
do it. I'm just not ready.

Got to go. Bye-bye.

Bev, I can't wait to
see your new kitchen.

Oh, the boys have been
working hard all weekend.

How's it looking, Bill?

I called in a bunch of favors.
Anything for my best bud's lady.

Enjoy your perfect kitchen.

You bastards! It's
exactly the same!

I'm a good reader of people,
and you don't seem pleased.

You did this just to spite me.

Because you manipulated me.

You think I don't know

that you wrecked the
kitchen on purpose?

Fine. You want
to play it that way?

Stop it! That's liquid
gold you're throwing away!

So, we're gonna go now.

No, no.

You helped him. Now
you're gonna help me.

No, I'd like to... I'm
not gonna do this...

- Pour it out, Bill!
- No.

- No, I'm not...
- Pour it out.

- I'm not gonna pour it out.
- Do it. Yes, you are.

- I'm not the one...
- Stop pouring.

- Pour it all the way out.
- No, no, no!

- You pour it out.
- No, no!

- I don't want to pour it.
- Stop pouring!

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

I'm so confused. I
just want to go home.

Bevy, stop taking this
out on my old Coke.

Just admit that you
manipulated me.

Of course I did!

Do you know how hard it is

to live with someone
who refuses to change?

I thought for once you
could compromise, but no.

You only care about yourself.

Even though my dad
won, it sure didn't feel like it.

Meanwhile, the Tasty
Boys were about to conquer.

Everyone huddle up.
We need to drink this in.

This is our last
moment of anonymity.

After today, we're gonna be
mobbed everywhere we go.

You know, I'm gonna miss
this. There's a peace to it.

Um, maybe now's a good time to
rehearse, since we, like, never have?

Good idea. Let's get loose.

Li'l Yum Yum, kick it.

Robot, Gobot, Lobot, too

He's from Star Wars, Doopie-doo

Oh, my God.

Everyone always
said I was a nerd,

but I never really
heard it until now.

All right, relax.
Watch and learn.

Good afternoon, my name is Barry

I came to get down
And my rhymes are scary

Dude, that's not freestyle.
You say that every time.

All right, just give me a sec.

Good afternoon, my name is Barry

I came to get down
And my rhymes are...

Oh

Seeing how disappointed my
mom was with her old kitchen,

my dad finally decided
to try a few new things.

Hey!

Come on down and cop a squat.
Let's eat without back support.

What is this? What
are you doing?

I'm just trying out all the
new things you wanted.

We got a picnic, a
long-neck shirt thingy.

And I'm sitting,
which counts as yoga.

- Stop. Get up.
- I can't do that.

- Just get up.
- I can't.

Just stand up like a
normal human being.

- Come on.
- Ow. I'll try.

Ow.

Damn it, that's it. I'm
a floor person now.

Are you crazy? Why
would you sit on the floor?

Because I felt bad
about what happened.

It's all right. I'll... I'll be
fine without a new kitchen.

You've got to understand.

Just because I don't
like things to change,

doesn't mean you
don't matter to me.

I never thought I'd be happy.

But you built this life for us,
and I love it just the way it is.

Ah, Mur.

But if it means that much to you,
maybe I can change the kitchen.

I'll get the tools! And
the little poundy thingy!

Wait! Don't leave me down here!

Tasty Boys! Tasty Boys!

We were at minute
10 of stalling,

and the crowd wasn't giving up.

Why won't they stop chanting?

Making the fans wait
is a classic hype move.

The hype has backfired!

What's the holdup, guys?

The monster you created
is waiting to eat you alive.

I can't do this.
Erica, look away!

Geoff, no!

Man, he's, like, really fast.

Our super group
is falling apart.

- What do we do?
- I don't know!

Erica was right.

I should have just kept
my stupid dreams to myself

and stayed in my room so no
one would ever chant my name.

In that moment, Erica
realized something.

No.

As clueless as Barry was,

he was still smart to
put himself out there.

Everyone's chanting your name.
You can't just give that up now.

We have no music.
We got nothing.

You still got Beastie Boys.

But we lost our Ad-Rock.

Well, you've got me.

Turns out, forming
a rap super group is,

like, way harder than it looks,

which is why we decided

to leave it to the
people who did it best.

- Mike D - Yeah

- With your bad self,
running things - What's up?

With your bad
breath, onion rings

Well, I'm Mike D And
I'm back from the dead

Chillin' at the beach
down at Club Med

Make another record

'Cause the people
They want more of this

Suckers, they be saying they
can take out Adam Horovitz

Hurricane

You got clout

Other deejays He'll
put your head out

- Patty Duke - The Wrench

And then I bust the tango

Got more rhymes than
Jamaica got mango kangols

I got the peg leg at
the end of my stump

Shake your rump

Full clout, y'all

Full clout, y'all

And when the mike is in my mouth

I turn it out, y'all

Full clout -

Never been dumped

'Cause I'm the most mackinest

Never been jumped -

'Cause I'm known
the most packinest

Yeah, we got beef, Chief

We're knocking out teeth, Chief

And if you don't believe us

You should question your belief

Like Sam the butcher...

Sure, the change was small,
but it was big for my dad...

It's beautiful.

How about a New
Coke to celebrate?

Because trying
new things is hard.

It could leave a bad
taste in your mouth.

- Why?
- No!

Why would they do this?

Stop this.

Running from the law
The press, and the parents

Is your name Michael Diamond?

No, mine's Clarence.

From Downtown

- Manhattan - The Village

My style is wild And
you know that it still is

Disco bag schlepping
And you're doing the bump

Shake your rump

Truth is, we could never
be as great as our heroes.

Sure, we grow up
wanting to be just like them,

'cause we dare to dream.

Whoa. No, no! Hey!

But for one moment, everyone
in that gym didn't see us as kids.

They believed in us. They
believed in the Tasty Boys.

And we were legends.

Whoa

Whoa-oh

Whoa

Shake your rump

Yo, Erica!

I've been practicing my
freestyle. Want to hear it?

So, what?

You spent all
weekend writing a rap,

and now you're
trying to make me think

that you're making
it up on the spot?

No. It's off the top of my head.

- Check it.
- No, no, no.

If this is freestyle,
I pick the topic.

Bicycles.

Got it.

This rap's dedicated
to all the big-booty...

Bicycles.

My name's Big Tasty
And my rhymes are shady

Come back to my crib
and be my... Bicycle

'Cause one hot bicycle
can't hold me down

I got to have
bicycles in every town

Bicycle, bicycle,
I can't disguise

I love your neck And
I love your wheels

What?

You know you're
fooling no one, right?

You just don't
understand hip-hop.