The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - A Christmas Story - full transcript

Back in the day,

winter break was my favorite time of year.

The hot cocoa, the gift-wrapping,

the taste of buttery popcorn

as you watched your favorite holiday movie.

For me and my big bro, it
was "A Christmas Story."

For some reason, it just spoke to us.

The Sox traded Bullfrog,
the only player they got,

for Shottenhoffen.

The Phils are trading Ryne
Sandberg for Larry Bowa!

It's ludicrous!



Ralphie! On the double!

Everybody get your asses in here!

We didn't do Christmas,
but we had Hanukkah.

And that meant lots of forced family time

and Eastern European foods.

Gah! What's that smell?

Lucky, not cool!

But it wasn't the dog. It was this.

Stuffed cabbage time!

Let's go! It's freakin' Hanukkah!

Again? Didn't we just do that?

Yeah, last year. Go set the table.

A lot of people think
that because there are

eight nights of Hanukkah, you
get eight awesome presents.



Truth is, they were mostly filler.

Shoelaces.

Batteries.

Underpants.

I got to go. I got a thing.

As the days stretched
on, so were the limits

of what was considered a present.

School supplies.

Raisins.

Underpants.

I got to go. I got a thing.

By night 8, it was straight-up
bottom of the barrel.

Toothbrush.

Zit cream?

More underpants?!

What is the deal, people?!

Zit cream isn't a gift! It's an insult!

I'm gonna go. I got a...

- Thing.
- We know. You've got a thing.

And your new underpants
are a gift for me, Barry.

Even if we didn't have the holiday spirit,

we tried our best to make it fun.

What the hell happened
to all the sour cream?

Adam dared me.

I ate it, along with the rest
of the condiments.

In your face, mustards and jams!

What is the one rule we have
in this house, huh?

No daring Barry to do stupid stuff.

Why? 'Cause I have no regard
for my personal well-being.

Frankly, for us, it wasn't
the most joyous holiday,

especially after visiting
the Christmas wonderland

at the Kremps'.

Daisy, it's the Goldbergs!

Hello, Goldbergs.

We've been expecting you!

Merry Chris... holiday.

Winter fest.

Welcome!

Oh, uh, Charles is out back

splitting wood for the yule fire.

Do you want to give him a hand, Murray?

He's good. I believe in him.

Can I wet your whistle with some eggnog?

Don't forget your cinnamon stick.

Be careful... Scott is our college boy,

and he makes a strong nog.

Mom? Did you finally give me that B.B.
gun I always wanted?

Oh, this is a snare drum, isn't it?!

I told you... No peeking, okay?

I want the two of you back
to icing that gingerbread house.

Chad, put down the snare drum.

I knew it!

He gets me every year.

Okay, what are my eyes looking at?

Nothing. They're just excited
for Kremp Christmas.

But why are your kids here,
willingly participating?

- What else are they gonna do?
- Seriously?

You mean to tell me you're
that good at family?

Good at family? That's not a saying.

Oh, it's a saying, and you
are good at family.

You are good at family.

We're fine at family.

- You're fab at family.
- We're not.

It's been fun. It has.

Let's do it again sometime.

Uh, but let's not make a plan.
We'll wing it.

Oh, Murray, before you go,

I have the teensiest of favors to ask you.

Our Santa fell through this year,

and it would just mean the world to us

if you could just pop
over and hand out some gifts.

Thank you so much for thinking of him.

He'd love to.

Murray, you'll put on the suit.

Or...

It was December 23, 1980-something...

Christmas vacation.

That meant my brother's dopey
friends were out of town,

and I was his only playmate.

The alone time with Barry was awesome!

It's how we came up with

our favorite brotherly game... Ball ball.

There were hundreds of rules,
but the most important

was every time you took
a shot, you had to yell...

Ball ball!

Ball ball!

Ball ball!

Whoo!

Nine points.

I win. Suck it!

Looks like the trophy is mine.

Damn it! You cheated! Rematch!

It was days and days
of bro-ing out with Barry.

You ready, Barry?

You better be, 'cause we're
about to play some...

- Ball ball!
- Ball ball!

Ball ball!

Yes! 10 points.

What the hell is this?

It's called ball ball.

It's this awesome game

where you throw the ball back and forth.

I'm familiar with the game.

I helped invent it.

I added the second "ball".

And I'm the official world champion.

Yeah, we don't recognize
that federation anymore.

Lainey and I now play
for champion of the universe!

I didn't ratify these changes.

Adam, it's fine. You can play.

No! The ball ball he knew is over.

Plus, I wouldn't even be able to explain

all the changes we made
in the past 10 minutes.

Whatever.

Enjoy your stupid game.

While I was losing Barry, my mom

was gonna win over our family
with a new holiday plan.

Big news, everyone.

This family's about to experience
some exciting changes

this holiday season.

If it costs me money, it ain't happening.

It'll actually save you money.

It's happening.

In the long run.

In the short run, it'll cost way more.

I just got back from the Kremps',
and guess what.

There are people out there
who actually enjoy

celebrating the holidays together.

Turns out, it's not that we're
not good at family.

It's just that we've been doing it
all wrong.

So this year, we're gonna spice things up

with a little celebration I like to call...

Super Hanukkah!!

Whoo! Mama's jazzed, and here's why.

We're gonna make Hanukkah sizzle and pop!

We're gonna decorate the house.

We're gonna drink buttery booze milk

and put all our gifts
under a festive topiary

together as one big family.

So, like a... Christmas tree?

No! A Hanukkah bush!

And instead of opening presents
on eight separate nights,

we're gonna save 'em up and open
'em all on one night!

Or one morning.

So, like... Christmas morning?

No... Super Hanukkah morning.

But you better not be naughty,

or else you-know-who won't
bring you any presents.

Santa Claus!

No! Hanukkah Harry.

The Jon Lovitz character
from "Saturday Night Live"?

Actually, he's based on a real person.

Don't look it up! Who has the time?

Just... Trust me on this.

Well, I'm all for getting
this over with in one night.

That's the super Hanukkah spirit!

And here's a box of lights for you
to string up on the house.

This has now become work.

Not work... fun.

Just like the Kremps have.

Now get to work.

I mean "fun"!

And so my mom finally got

the Hanukkah she always wanted...

Christmas.

Do it with care.

One that would rival the Kremps'.

Before we knew it,

we'd all been swept
up in the super Hanukkah spirit.

And for the first time ever,

our house wasn't the only one on the block

that didn't have festive lights.

Three... Two... One.

Yeah, baby!

Looks expensive.

It is! Super Hanukkah!

Oh, my god!

It's like I gave you
a list of stuff I wanted

and you actually bought it!

Well, you made the list.
I checked it twice.

No socks. No raisins.

No underpants.

Every gift under the bush
is better than the last!

There's more where that came from.

This bad boy's from me.

That's an officially licensed key chain.

Very rare.

Stop speaking your stupid words.

Behold the gift Lainey got me...
An Eagles jersey!

My dad re-tiled their training facility.

But the best part...

The whole team signed it!

But the limit was $10!

Oh, it's cool. I got it for free.

I love you so much right now.

This is the holiday of my dreams,

and I don't ever want it to end... ever!

Ever!

What the hell is this?

Super Hanukkah!

And what is this music?

Neil Diamond... The voice of our people.

It's a Christmas song!

My god! Is that a Christmas tree?

No, it's a Hanukkah bush.

That's not a thing. A...

Oh, my lord.

Did you hang stockings
by the chimney with care?

Not stockings... Hanukkah socks.

Ma, we're running out of candy canes.

Not candy canes...

Peppermint J's.

Can I wet your whistle with some hanu-nog?

No!

Dad, I'm just trying to spice it up,

like the Kremps do.

They're good at family, and now so are we.

Trading in your family's tradition

is not being good at family.

I mean, what's next? Santa Claus.

I did the thing for the blond
neighbor people.

No more.

Understand? No more!

And just when Pops thought
it couldn't get any worse...

Hi!

Hello! I brought you some decorations.

Oh, my! Oh, my.

Your holiday is just so much
more vibrant than I remember.

Well, we kicked it up a notch.

No! Hanukkah only has one notch.

Look at this!

That's our Hanukkah bush.

You know, I never knew that there
were so many similarities

between our two holidays.

What is the story
behind the Hanukkah bush, anyway?

Yeah, Betty. What is the story?

I mean, obviously, there's a rich
cultural significance.

Otherwise, why would you do this to me?

Well, the Maccabees only had
enough oil for one night,

and it was a miracle.

And another miracle...

Was the finding of the bush
in the temple basement.

And they decorated it with...
Festive tchotchkes.

So interesting.

Where'd they find the tchotchkes?

In their pockets.

Tchotchke pockets. They were potchkes.

You forgot the part where
Aquaman swam to Egypt

and parted the Red Aea
with his fish friends

and Moses the porpoise.

Okay, that's enough.
You're being ridiculous.

I'm ridiculous?!

I'll show you who's ridiculous.

You'll see.

You'll see!

Well, that was the traditional re-enactment

of the storming out of the land of Egypt...

By Aquaman.

Whoa.

As the holiday break were on

Lainey continued to edge me out

of my holiday traditions with Barry.

She even edged me off the couch.

Shh!

Stop shifting in the beanbag.

Lainey and I are trying to watch
our favorite movie here.

Your favorite movie?!

It's supposed to be our favorite movie.

Well, it's been re-favorited.

That's not even a word.

There's no way to know.

You know what? Fudge both you guys!

And you've seen the movie,
so you know what that means!

Dude, wait. What's your deal?

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, look at you, acting
all foxy and innocent.

I'm onto you, lady.

What are you talking about?

This is the only time all year

that Barry's actually nice to me.

But then you crashed our movie
and stole ball ball

and ruined everything.

I didn't mean to, okay?

I'd never get between two brothers.

Again. It happened once at summer camp.

There were these hot twins, and...

It's not important.

I'll just give you
and Barry some time alone.

Y-you'd do that for me?

Of course.

I think it's really cute
that you love your big brother.

I'd never get in the way of that.

Have fun with Barry. Tell
him I'll see him tomorrow.

Thanks for being so curvy
and understanding.

Hey, no problem.

Wait... what?

Nothing! See ya.

Guess who made caramel corn.

Move! That seat is saved for laineys only.

Actually, she had to bail,

but now we get to watch "A
Christmas Story" together,

like we always do.

Nyeh. I've seen it a billion times.

Wait! Wait! Where you going?

Lainey's. I miss her laugh.

That's very sweet and angering!

See? You get it. Bye, nerd.

Don't leave me! Come back!

In that moment, I decided
to get Barry to stay

by breaking the one cardinal
rule in our house...

Never dare Barry Goldberg.

Wait!

You could go see Lainey,

or you could accept my double dog dare.

Tell me what it is,
and I'll do it right now.

I don't know.

You'll be way too afraid of this one.

Impossible! I was born
without the fear gene.

It's a medical miracle. Ask any doctor.

Okay. It's on.

Grab your jacket.

Dare complete. I win.

Yeah, that's not the dare.

Follow me to the tetherball pole.

While I was trying to spend
time with my brother,

my mom was having the time of her life

with her made-up holiday.

Lucky! Stop it!

Hey, honey.

Have you been wearing
that Santa suit all day?

Oh, yeah.

Turns out these pants keep
the fellas warm and toasty.

And the girl at Wawa... She
gave me a free lotto ticket.

People love Santa Claus!

Who knew?

I think everyone.

And a merry Hanukkah to you and yours!

Dad, what are you doing?

What's it look like?

I'm handing out goodies for the holiday.

If you're trying to be Hanukkah Harry

to rub it in my face,
you've got it all wrong.

No. I'm Hanu-Claus.

I'm mashing two words together
to make one offensive one,

just like you do.

Now, who wants presents?

Me, Hanu-Claus!

Then prepare yourselves

as I dole out gifts from my sack of shame.

No! Guilt has no place
in our people's holiday.

Shame on you. I hope you feel guilty.

Look! It's your great-grandpa
Samuel Solomon.

He crossed Poland with $2 in his shoe

so his traditions could
live on here in America...

Only for you to dismantle his dream.

Fun!

I don't like Hanu-Claus.

And what's this?

This jar stores all the traditions

you've passed down to your children.

But it's empty.

And look!

Why, it's a button... From the sweatshop

your grandmother worked
in to put food on our table,

even though we didn't have a table.

You had a table, Al.

It wobbled!

My god.

There's like 20 more
super-sad things in here.

And we're going through them all...

Every last depressing one of them.

Fun!

As Pops was trying to put an end

to my mom's new traditions,

I was trying to get back
at Barry for ruining ours.

Go on. Do it already.

Oh, I will do it.

I've stuck my tongue to tons
of different things.

You're stalling.

Come on.

I triple dog dare you.

There it was, the coup
de grâce of all dares...

The sinister triple dog dare.

Barry had no choice but to accept.

No fear!

It's stuck!

It's stuck!

It's stuck!

That's right.

You ain't going nowhere, bro.

I'm going to kill you!

You've been ignoring me
all week, but no more!

Looks like you'll be hanging
out with your little brother,

like it or not.

Adam I'm sorry okay?

I do want to spend time with you.

Really?

Of course, I was dumb. We're brothers.

Now let's go inside and play
a game of ball ball.

Original version?

Original version!

Now come over here
and give Big Tasty a hug.

Aww.

No! No!

Vengence is mine!

You putz!

Now we're both stuck
and nobody knows we're here!

Huh.

I did not think that through.

As Barry and I were airing our grievances,

Pops had decided to sing his.

♪ On the fifth day of Hanukkah,
my daughter said to me ♪

♪ Five backs a-stabbing ♪

♪ Four neglected customs ♪

♪ Three sellout children ♪

♪ Two shameful parents ♪

♪ And she spit in my face, too ♪

Put down the banjo, Dad. We get the point.

♪ O Hanukkah bush, o Hanukkah bush ♪

♪ You crap all over our culture ♪

Everyone!

Okay, this was fun for a bit,

and then it got sad,
and now it's just bonkers.

Give it to me. Give me the banjo.

No!

Just give her the banjo, Al!

No! Give it!

Give her the damn banjo, Al!

Give it!

Watch the candles!

Ohh!

My Hanukkah tree!

My... Christmas bush! Whatever!

Murray, do something! Move!

Are you happy now?

You ruined Super Hanukkah!

How can I ruin something
that's not even real?

Hi!

Hey!

Interesting tradition there.

Can we come over and hear all about it?

What exactly does all this symbolize?

We suck at family, okay? Is
that what you want to hear?

You don't suck at all, but we do.

We, like... Suck butt... At family.

The big suck.

[Bleep]

Yeah!

We do.

[Bleep]

It was hour two on the pole

It was freezing, but nothing could thaw

the tension between me and Barry.

I can't feel my face

Not to sound dramatic,

but we're goint to die out here.

Dude no! I'm your big
brother and I'll save you.

Quick! Huddle against me for warmth!

No!

We have no choice!

NO!!

Put your body on my body!

Yeah, there you go.

Thanks.

It helps.

Sorry I got so crazy.

You just always spend so much time
with Lainey. We never hang out anymore.

That's what this was all about?

I mean she's my girlfriend
and she's supper hot but

you're my brother and no
one will ever replace you.

You really mean that?

Of course.

I love you, dude.

I love you, too.

Wow.

We've nerver said this stuff before.

I know.

It's just easy cuz we're
about to freeze to death.

Well,

at least we said it.

And I wouldn't trade it
for the whole world.

Whoa!

Did you feel that?

The warmth in my heart?

No! No, no no.

The pole is loose!

Help me!

You're a genius!

I've raised morons.

That's fair.

You really have

That's the thing about family.

Even though you my not say it clearly,

you know in your heart

they'll always be there for you.

Hey.

There any room for me?

Of course.

And sometimes you just have to accept

that there's enough love to go around.

You guys have some good brother time?

It was all right.

'Cause being good at family wasn't about

making the old holiday sizzle and pop.

It was about remembering

why the holiday was important
in the first place.

Hey, Dad.

What you got there?

Mom's locket.

Never saw this picture
of me and her before.

She looks... So happy.

Oh, she was.

It was your first Hanukkah.

Meant the world to her.

Dad, I'm sorry. I guess
I just got carried away.

I think it's safe to say we both did.

All I wanted was to be
good at family, you know?

And you are, Bev.

But part of being good at family

is knowing where you came from.

Thanks, Dad.

Ginzy? You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, all good.

Even though everything's poop.

It's all poop, Bev... All of it.

What are you talking about?

You're good at family! Remember?

Are you kidding?

Scott gave Daisy some nog.

Now I have to get my rugs cleaned.

Steve shot drew with the stupid B.B. gun,

and Charles burnt the ham.

Now we don't even have Christmas dinner.

In that moment, my mom realized

the Kremps were no better at family than us

and there was no such thing
as a perfect holiday.

Come with me.

I know a place.

Who even knew restaurants were open today?

We knew.

Chinese on Christmas...
It's kind of our thing.

Learn something new every day, right?

Sure do.

So, this was our Christmas story.

It for sure doesn't look like yours,

but it's not
about how or what you celebrate.

It's who you celebrate with.

And, yeah, ours was crazy.

Aah! Oh, geez!

But it was awesome.

Merry Christmas.

That's a great present.

Chet, what do you have there? What is that?

Let me look.

Whoa! Dude, check this out!

Sit! Sit!

You want to have your Christmas present?

Whoa!

Oh! A card!

Thank you!

It's the eighth day of Hanukkah.

Figure I'd save the best for last.

Well, I love it.

But you know what present I'd really love?

A snuggie from my biggest boy.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Not even if I dare you?

Oh, god. Don't do this.

Triple dog dare!

You'll regret ever challenging me.

Take these snuggies!

Take 'em!

Barry wins at everything.

That's right, honey. You win.

Barry wins at everything!