The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Baio and Switch - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s
before we could easily text money

to any charity we wished, we
had the world-famous charity craze

that completely swept
the entire country.

Hands Across America.
It's happening this weekend,

and you will not
make Coach look bad.

All right, listen up.

This limited-edition,
government-issued visor

means that I have been
personally appointed regional captain

because I volunteered.

It is my duty to make
sure everybody in this town

forms a human chain
to stop the homeless.



Questions.

Goldberg.

Isn't it kind of mean
to form a chain

and not let the homeless
people pass through?

That was my first thought, too,

but it was explained to me
that we would be allowing

the homeless to come
and go as they please.

Goldberg again.

Still confused.

Um, how does holding
hands help anyone?

Hello. Everyone in America
is gonna hold hands at once

to show we are symbolically unified
in our fight to end homelessness.

It's beautiful, really.

Hell, I wish I had
more than two hands.



Yes, we get it. You're
the socially aware girl.

No reason to showboat
about it, other Goldberg.

I'll stop talking.

Now, in the spirit of the event,
let's hit the floor and practice.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's go!
Move it! Grab and squeeze, people!

Interlace those fingers!
Engage every digit!

I want to see hustle, and I
want to see determination!

Yeah! Let me feel it!

There it is. A chain.

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was the second
Wednesday of the month, 1980-something,

and the Harvest
Hop was coming up.

It was the first dance where
you had to ask someone.

I mean, seriously,
why do I have to wait

for some meathead to ask
me to a lame-ass dance?

Because that's
how society works.

Count me out.

Well, I have it
on good authority

that Adam Abel is going
to ask someone today.

(SCOFFS) I could give
a crap about that nerd.

(GASPS) He's coming
this way. Go, go, go!

Hey.

Pam, you, um, have a
date to the dance and stuff?

PAM: (CHUCKLES) No.

Are you okay?

(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Why wouldn't I be?

(SOBBING)

- You sure you're okay?
- No, genius.

I'm like the only girl
who didn't get asked.

It's freaking humiliating.

Well, you can always go
with your awesome best friend.

Ew.

Stop! It'll be fun. We
can goof on everyone.

Dana can't fly
out to go with me.

This way we're not
total losers without dates.

Normally, I'd roll my
eyes and punch you,

but honestly, I'm
desperate, so yes.

Dear God, yes.

Get off me, dork.

You're a complicated person.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, the only good
thing about having a girlfriend in Seattle

was I was completely
free to help out a friend.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Or not.

- Surprise!
- What? Why?

My grandma broke her hip, so
my parents are letting me visit her.

So lucky.

For us. She's bummed.

So we get to go to the dance!

Yeah, about the dance.

Oh, my God. You're not excited.

You're going with someone
else? Are we not "us" anymore?

No, of course we're us.

I'm going with you,
my girlfriend, who I love.

Mmm!

I'm so excited.

Me also excited.

ADULT ADAM: As I was reeling
from my two dates to the dance,

my mom was reeling after
a visit with Virginia Kremp.

BEVERLY: Is that your
family at the flower show again?

The Inquirer put your
picture in the paper last year.

Oh, well, Charles
won top florist again.

His topiary of Rosa
Parks was the real star.

Well, all I know is you got another
stunning picture of your whole family.

You're like the freaking
Kennedys of Jenkintown.

Please, no, we're not.
Do people really say that?

I'd give anything to have just
one photo of me and my babies

looking that happy on
the front page of the paper.

Well, Barry did make
the paper for that time

he got in the fight
with the service horse.

He really thought
it was his apple.

- Horses are tricky.
- Yeah.

ADULT ADAM: Little did
my mom know her photo op

was right around the corner.

BEVERLY: Oh, my God.

Are you two crafting together?

By choice?

No, no, no, calm
down. We're not crafting.

We're just making art
with construction paper,

markers, and glitter
for public display.

That's crafting.

Fine, we're crafting.

We need to spread the word
about Hands Across America.

Yeah, I don't know
about that whole thing.

Hands have germs.

Think of all those colds
passing across the country

like a big bacteria
highway. Ugh.

Whatever. I'm doing it because
it'll help people in real need.

And I'm doing it for
the celebrity contact.

Hoping to hold hands
with Heather Locklear.

No. Alyssa Milano.

No. KITT, the car
from Knight Rider.

You can't hold
hands with a car, idiot.

- I'll hold the antenna.
- Wait a minute.

- Celebrities are doing this?
- Yeah.

Downtown Philly actually
nabbed Scott Baio.

From Happy Days
and Chachi In Charge?

Don't forget Zapped!

Where he uses his magic
powers to lift girls' dresses.

Turn that off.

Point is, this thing's
gonna be a huge deal.

It's literally going to be on
the front page of all the papers.

You mean like newspapers?

Like the kind that take
pictures of moms and their kids?

What?

What happened?

I want to help with
Hands Across America.

- Okay.
- And by "help", I mean

push you aside and
take over entirely.

- I said okay.
- Really?

I'm in way over my head. They
want me to organize, make posters.

They gave me a pen and a ledger.

I don't know what
to do with them.

- To record the donations.
- Oh, no, I...

I've been putting
everybody's cash in a bag.

Well, there must
be thousands there.

I don't know. I'm a gym
teacher, I'm not a count teacher.

You mean a math teacher?

I don't know. I'm not an
English teacher, either.

Did you at least
get us a celebrity?

No! We can't
compete with Philly.

Philly is the Paris of Pennsylvania.
They got Baio. We got jack squat.

You should go rest.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was saving Coach Mellor,

I was racing for the one
man who always rescued me.

- Dad.
- Yes.

I need help. Where's Pops?

There he is. Thank God.

Pops, I have two
dates to the dance.

Way to go, kiddo!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, yeah, it is.

No, I agreed to go with
Emmy Mirsky to cheer her up

but Dana flew in.

Then just tell Emmy
you're going with Dana.

- She'll understand.
- No, she won't.

A guy dissed her, and I saw
her cry for the first time ever.

Then just tell Dana
you can't go with her.

She'll freak out if I
go with another girl,

even if it is Emmy.

Then take them both. They
never even have to know.

Like Peter did on
The Brady Bunch?

I Brady-bunched two ladies
at a USO dance back in '41.

Never felt so alive.

Stop.

Nobody's Brady-bunching anyone.

You want some real advice?

Don't be a moron.

Seriously? That's your
advice for everything.

It applies to everything.

I think I'm gonna
stick with Pops' advice.

All right, time for a TV master class
on how to juggle two dates at once.

First up, the gold standard,

The Brady Bunch, and I'm Peter.

Because your weird
voice cracks just like his?

ADULT ADAM: Despite
that shot at my self-esteem,

I knew with the help
of my trusty TV shows,

I could pull off
two dates at once.

Oh, no! Peter
Brady, you blew it.

ADULT ADAM: Or so I thought.

No! Alex P. Keaton.

ADULT ADAM: Each one
was worse than the next.

Jack's screwed!

Both women are
at the Regal Beagle.

ADULT ADAM: As we watched
the same plot done on every show,

it became abundantly clear.

Dude, it can't be done.

Shut up, Dave Kim. I see that.

ADULT ADAM: As my universe
was crumbling, my mom saw a world

where she finally got a photo
in the paper with her kids.

Yo, yo, yo, volunteers.

Who's ready to get this
homeless party started?

Mom, what are you doing here?

You're looking at the
new regional captain

for Hands Across America.

What happened to Coach Mellor?

He cracked under the pressure.
But don't worry, Mama's here.

I know how important
this is for you.

- Yeah, I'm out.
- Me, too.

- Shut it down, people.
- (ALL GROAN)

Whoa, hold up.

Now that I'm involved,
you're just gonna bail?

Nothing personal. You
just make fun things suck.

Well, that...

That is a shame because
this lady right here

just got Scott Baio to ditch
Philly and come to J-town.

Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.

- (ALL CHEERING)
- No, everyone stop.

Mom, did you
really get Scott Baio?

I, literally, just got off
the phone with Scotty B.

He told me to
call him "Scotty B".

And he agreed to come
here and hold hands with me.

I call the one available hand.

No way! The hand is mine!

Okay, this is my future
husband. Why do you care?

'Cause he's my future best bro.

And once Scott meets me,

he'll ditch Willie Aames
and fly me to Hollywood

so I never have to talk
to you people again.

This is bull crap. Just 'cause
your crazy-hot mom is in charge,

you guys both get dibs?

Please, Mrs. Goldberg, pick
me. I really need a win. So bad.

- No, I want Scott's hand in my hand.
- Mom, you have seen...

I bet my hands are cooler than
yours if we held them together.

- Mrs. Goldberg...
- Stop fighting. Stop fighting.

I'll sleep on it, okay?
I'll sleep on it, all right?

But now I have to
immediately leave...

Not to call Scott Baio
'cause I've done it.

All right, I just... I have
to go and do a thing.

ADULT ADAM: The
dance was only a day away,

and I realized my
plan was a dead end.

Pops, I watched all the
shows. Two dates never works.

Not even on Cheers?

Cliff had a date with Carla
and Diane to the postman's ball.

It was a total junk show.

See, I'm not a fan
of today's comedy.

Now, The Honeymooners...

I don't need a trip
down memory lane.

I need help, and you said you pulled
off the perfect Brady Bunch. How?

Actually, the women
kind of invited me.

We've got some advice for you.

Yeah, yeah, don't be a moron.

If you know the advice,
why aren't you following it?

Don't worry, kiddo.
Pops always has a plan.

With my help, you'll
be the first kid in history

to juggle two dates at a dance.

Well, I did juggle
three grapes at camp.

You know who's not a
moron? You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.
You're not a moron.

No. (BABBLES)

ADULT ADAM: As Pops was
convincing me I could pull this off,

Erica and Barry were
ready to convince our mom

that they were
worthy of Baio's hand.

Erica, what's going on?

Bad dream, Mama.
Can we do spoonies?

Oh, my God, spoonies?
Get on in the warm spot, girl.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Ah.

- This is so nice.
- Hmm.

Speaking of, um, any
thoughts about Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah, about that...

Knock, knock. Who
wants brekky in bed?

(GASPS) You made Mama breakfast?

Nobody cares because I'm spending
the whole day with my favorite lady.

- You are?
- Well, Mom and I are spending

- the entire weekend together.
- We are?

- Stop doing what you're doing.
- You stop.

You're only giving spoon so
she'll pick you to hold Baio's hand.

And you're not? What's
with the stupid sweater?

My favorite sweater? Mommy
made it for my 12th birthday.

I feel so handsome, Mommy.

You look so
handsome, schmoofers.

She's the sun. I'm the moon.

You're the moon!

Okay, you want to
go to war? Let's go.

Mommy,

I want you to pick out a
guy for me to date and marry.

- That is my dream.
- No, no, no! Not so fast.

I've been thinking about it, and
I'm gonna let you dance with me

before I dance with
my bride at my wedding.

That is also my dream,
but I also get to wear white.

- That's non-negotiable.
- Yes!

I'm gonna have five kids,
and I want you to babysit

every night and
tell me what to do.

You will live with me forever.

I will build a mother suite
off the master bedroom

even if it severely
damages my marriage.

- (GASPS)
- I'm out. It's too rich for my blood.

Yes! I win!

Oh, no, what have I done?

Future Barry's problem.

ADULT ADAM: Despite herself, my
mom loved her kids fighting over her.

- Just one problem.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

She was now pulling a classic Baio-
and-switch and needed a way out.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- We need to talk.

Whoa, not so fast.

That was a non-sanctioned
sit-down. On your feet.

Please, I need your help. This
whole thing has gotten away from me.

No, no, Coach has washed his
hands of Hands Across America.

Look, all I wanted was
one photo op with my kids.

Now, they're fighting
over my love to get to Baio.

That feather-haired man-boy is
making all my dreams come true.

That's why we need to get
him here instead of Philly.

Give up on your Baio
dreams. It ain't happening.

It has to happen. I told the
whole school he's coming here.

What? Why would you do that?

I thought I could
work my yenta magic,

but I've been
calling for three days.

Baio's people are icing me out.

Well, how the hell can I help?

Come on, you must have
at least one celebrity lead.

No, I'm a gym teacher.

I rotate two pairs of shorts.

Then I guess it's over.

Unless you go out and
you get yourself a celebrity

that's better than Baio.

"Better than Baio"?
Is that possible?

It is with one of my
patented game-day pep talks.

Now, listen up.

It's the fourth quarter.
You're down by one point.

Who's gonna run the option
and take it to the big house?

Run the what?

(SIGHS)

All right. It's 11:00 p.m.

You just got off a
flight with your family.

They're crabby. They're
hungry. You look in the cupboard.

Oh, all you got
is one can of tuna.

But it doesn't matter 'cause
there's only one person

that can feed those babies tuna

and make sure they go
to sleep with full tum-tums.

- Me!
- You're damn right it's you.

Now go out and get
yourself the biggest celebrity

this god-forsaken
town's ever seen.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- Oh.

- Sorry. My bad, little ones.
- (MUSIC STOPS)

You guys okay?

All right, let's
take a breather.

Who wants water?

ADULT ADAM: That night,
I was also on a mission.

Make a foolproof plan to bring
two dates to the same dance.

All right, boys, let's run this
again. What are we looking at?

The gym is 94 by 50 feet.

That leaves us with two large
zones to keep the girls apart.

Check. Let's talk song list.

We're looking at
16 songs lasting

two hours and six minutes
including The Time Warp.

Okay, let's do a dry run.

- Adam.
- The Terrordrome is our battlefield.

I'm Michelangelo.

Dana is Princess Leia.

Emmy's the Hulk.

Copy! Song one?

Like A Prayer, Madonna.

Dana and I dance.

Then I say I got to hit the
bathroom and run to Emmy.

- Song two?
- Careless Whisper, Wham!

I tell Emmy I'll grab her punch

then run back to
Dana for a slow dance.

I interrupt and pretend
I lost my contact lens.

I leave to help Dave Kim,
then book it back to Emmy.

See that? Working
as a team together.

Trust me, this
whole thing is wired.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- What the hell?
- 'Sup, jerk?

Balls.

You didn't know she
was staying with me?

Balls' balls.

Hello, my name is Dave
Kim. I lost my contact lens.

Dana, can you help me find it for
eight to 10 minutes out of earshot?

Not now, Dave
Kim. It's gone to hell.

We didn't even make
it out of the house.

- I know.
- Two dates can't be done!

I know!

Dude, he's created a whole
nerd world to plot against us.

This is super-creepy, Adam.

My God, did you
make me the Hulk?

Yes, but only 'cause I don't
like you when you're angry.

This is so scheming
and disrespectful.

No, please, don't start
doubting my character.

- Group hug?
- Just leave us alone, liar.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

- New advice. Lay low.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Now, that, I can pull off.

ADULT ADAM: But that was
impossible 'cause the next day,

literally, everyone in the country
gathered for Hands Across America.

Adam, over here! It's your mama.

ADULT ADAM: So instead, I hid.

Don't ignore me.
I'm regional captain.

- I deserve respect.
- No, no, no.

Shh! I'm hiding in
the shadows, okay?

What are you talking about?

Today is the day
that me and my kids

finally get on the front
page of the newspaper.

All of us. No exceptions.

Yes, I'll hide with you people.

Block my head with
your enormous hair.

I'm so nervous for Baio. My
hands are super-sweaty but soft.

I've been moisturizing
all day. So, where is he?

- Yeah, where's the Scottster anyway?
- Oh, my God, no!

You can't lure Scott with your
off-the-shoulder crop top and short skirt.

You really think I would
use my young feminine form

to get Scott Baio's attention?

I do look good, though, right?

Actually, I have some
good news, bad news.

The bad news is
Baio's not coming.

- What?
- You monster!

No, stop it.

I actually got a
bigger celebrity.

- Michael Jackson?
- Rob Lowe?

Jermaine Jackson.

Better. I have the most famous
person in Philadelphia history.

Please give a warm Hands Across
America welcome to Ben Franklin.

Good morrow, fellow colonists.

I am Founding Father,
Benjamin Franklin.

Allow me to gaze upon
you through my bifocals,

which I invented in 1784.

Why is this thing still talking?

Ooh, the paper's here. Okay,
everybody, hold hands and sing.

Bev, I don't think the rest of
the country is ready just yet.

You never even had
Scott Baio, did you?

No time to talk. All right,
Adam, stop hiding in my hair.

Ooh! Emmy, Dana, come and
hold hands and take a picture.

- We'd rather not.
- They'd really rather not.

Okay, well, it's not a choice.

Every hand not held is
another homeless family.

- I don't think...
- Okay, just do it, just do it.

Just do it. Photographers!
Smile, smile. Teeth, teeth.

I'd like to, but they're crushing my
bones with their strong lady hands.

Mine, too. I'm just a pawn!

(BOTH GROANING)

This is a nightmare!

How are they stronger than us?

ADULT ADAM: The moment had come.

It was finally time to hold
hands across America.

Boys, quick! Grab Mommy's hands!

Holy crap, it's happening.

Okay. Come on, you guys.
You've got to hold my hand.

Hold my hand, damn it!

No way. You lied to us.

Beverly, what are you doing?
Come on, it's time. Hold hands.

Kids, do it.

- Never.
- Hold my hands.

We will hold no hands.

What is wrong with you people?

- Please!
- No way!

This is for the homeless!

Hold my hands.

- No way.
- Hold hands!

Please, just hold my hands.

- Never.
- No way!

- Hold hands!
- I shall hold your hand.

Oh, (BLEEP) off, Ben Franklin.

Mom, no! Back off, Mom.

- I'm not holding your hand.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

No, no, don't put
that in the paper.

It's gonna look like the Goldbergs
broke hands across America.

Goldbergs... Got it.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, that's a keeper.

ADULT ADAM: And so, Hands Across
America was single-handedly a bust.

All I wanted was one
nice photo for the wall.

That's all I ever wanted.

No. No, you're the one who lied.

You can't make us
feel bad about this.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom's spirit
was crushed, so were my hands.

Hey, how you holding up?

Well, I've got no
girlfriend, no best friend,

and no feeling in both
hands, so not good.

You know what I think?

Yes, I'm a moron. I get it.

No, I don't think you do.

When I say, "Don't be a
moron," it really means something.

You mean, beyond just
being rude and insulting?

Yeah, that's just part of it.

But it's my way of saying
be honest, be a good person.

It's how I live my life, and
you know what? It works.

So, how do I make it
up to Emmy and Dana?

That's easy.

Don't be a moron.

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: After years of
getting advice on girls from Pops,

I learned my dad had some
wisdom to offer after all.

What the hell are
you doing, weirdo?

I'm cordially and blatantly
inviting you both to the dance.

You can't be serious.

Look, I screwed up, but
you have to believe me.

All I wanted was to make
both of you feel special.

Emmy, you've been my best
friend since second grade.

I just couldn't bear
to see you so sad.

And, Dana, the last
thing I'd ever want to do is

to hurt the girl I love more
than anything in this world.

- Aww.
- Point is, I'm a moron.

We'll go get dressed.

ADULT ADAM: As it turns out,
the best plan of all was honesty.

And because of that, I was
able to do what Alex P. Keaton,

Jack Tripper, and
Peter Brady never could.

Take two girls to
the same dance.

And not just any girls,

the most important
ones in my life.

And it was a night
I'd always remember.

Crying at Zapped!
That's a first.

No, I just... (SIGHS)

I feel bad.

I'm a bad Mama.

I don't think any of
us were at our best.

Which actually
worked in our favor.

This is not what I meant at all.

I know we're not
actually holding hands,

but if this picture isn't us...
(SCOFFS) I don't know what is.

You're right.

I love it.

ADULT ADAM: That's the
thing about the people you love.

It's not always picture-perfect.

Sometimes you have to live
in the moment and take it all in.

But side-by-side, hand-in-hand,
you'll find it's pretty great.

And sure, you may make a
lot of mistakes along the way.

Growing up is a tricky dance,

but occasionally,
you find your groove.

Last dance of the
night. Have fun, dorks.

Actually, I don't think
you should take off just yet.

I talked to Adam Abel.

(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna kill you.

He saved you a dance.

I love you.

(GROANS)

Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth

They say in heaven,
Love comes first

We'll make heaven
a place on Earth

(DINGING)

Ugh. I don't understand
how we all got the flu.

I told you, with all that
hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.

Will you stop saying that?
It's not even how it works.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ooh, sounds like we
may have a special visitor.

Wait, did Scott Baio's
people finally get back to you?

No, but...

I still have Ben Franklin
rented for an hour.

Good morrow, sick children.

As I so famously said
in 1780-something,

an apple a day
keeps the doctor...

- No!
- Not again.

I hate this president.