The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - The President's Fitness Test - full transcript

- What?
- No hustle, no muscle!

Gym class in the '80s ...

The shorts were super-short,
the exercises dumb,

and the games were barbaric.

I know you're aiming
for down there, Ryan,

but it's not cool!

Teams weren't assigned,

but handpicked
with brutal honesty

and no consideration of a
fragile adolescent's feelings.

Oh, God.
This is not gonna be easy.

I'm gonna have to go
with small wonder over there.



You're going down,
"Goldnerd."

Sorry.

After years of thinking
i had suffered through

every indignity
gym class had to offer,

turns out the worst
was yet to come.

The presidential
fitness test ...

our great president,
Ronald Reagan,

along with
the Predator himself,

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

care enough about you
to demand physical excellence.

Technically,
Arnold wasn't the Predator.

He was the prey.

Nobody cares, Goldfarb.

It's Goldberg.



It's literally
written on my shirt.

Good for you.
Now, why is this test important?

America needs warriors
to fight the evils of communism.

Tomorrow, that battle begins
with the seven basic exercises,

which include the sit-and-reach,
the mile run, and the pull-up.

What if
you can't do a pull-up?

I'm asking hypothetically
for a friend

that couldn't make it
today.

Name's Josh.
You don't know him.

Well, if you are the kind of boy
who is weak of will and spirit,

you don't have to do it.

Instead, you will join the girls
in the flexed arm hang.

Josh
is not gonna like that.

The news was bleak.

I was definitely screwed.

I mean, Josh was screwed.

Honey, it's so late.

Why are you sitting alone
in the dark?

Oh, no.
What's the matter?

Nothing.

Poopie,
something's wrong.

There's a storm
inside you,

and I'm not leaving
till I see a little sunshine.

Why do you always say
super-weird stuff like that?

Looks like someone
needs a sugar shower.

All right. All right!

Stop!

If you must know,

the presidential fitness test
is tomorrow,

and I'm gonna be the only guy
doing the flexed arm hang

with the girls.

Say no more.

Mama will never, ever
let anything

remotely uncomfortable
happen to you.

I'll just write you a note
and get you out of it.

- For real?
- Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

Every kid in America
has to take that test.

Well, w-what does that
have to do with my Adam?

It's a rite of passage.

You can't get out of
a rite of passage

with a note from your mom.

Fine! We get it.
I won't write a note.

I'll write you a note.

Seriously?

I'm gonna hug you
so hard right now,

I might break every bone
in your body.

Oh.
Oh, come on, Adam.

Don't be scared. You can hug me
harder than that.

Okay.
How does this feel?

Mama will write you
a note.

* I'm twisted up inside

* but nonetheless
I feel the need to say *

it was April 8,
1980-something.

Before e-mail and Facetime,

the way to keep in touch
with somebody

was by sending them
an actual piece of paper

with writing on it!

Are you kidding me?
Where are your pants?

My pen pal will be here
any minute.

Doesn't having a pen pal
come to your house

defeat the whole purpose
of having a pen pal?

Fanny's just gonna be here
for a few days.

You can suffer through
by wearing bottoms.

And for the love
of all that is holy,

be nice to the girl.

Why wouldn't I
be nice to her?!

We speak
the same language.

Mom, if he doesn't not
wear his pants

and stop speaking
French gibberish,

I will leave this house
forever.

Come on, ambassador.

Let's get you some pants.

That means nothing!

Whoa!
What is this?

Why do you look like
a bigger knob than usual?

'Cause I saw that pic of your
sexually charged French friend,

and I am not letting this
amazing opportunity go to waste.

Oh, no.

Just because she's French

doesn't mean
she'll make out with you.

I beg to differ, actually.

In my experience,

the French demoiselle
is very adventurous.

What's her name again?

Fanny.

Oh, that's a lay-up.

Score!
Pops!

What?
She's named after a butt.

That's a green light
if I ever saw one.

Erica,
I'm gonna need your help.

Here's a bunch of phrases
I need translated

into her native tongue

so I can get a little
of that native tongue.

"Girl, our countries
have been at war too long.

Let's make peace and love
together."

Mm-hmm.

You know what?
I will help you.

Nice.

I can tell by that smile
we're on the same page.

You're gonna mess with him,
aren't you?

Big time.

I don't know how
he doesn't see

that kind of thing coming
by now.

It's very upsetting.

While Erica
was scheming against Barry,

my mom's scheme to get me
out of gym class was in motion.

You have Osgood-"Shladder"
disease?

Actually,
it's pronounced "Schlotter,"

and there's
an article attached.

My hamstrings and ligaments
aren't keeping up with my bones.

I'm growing too fast.

You're growing too fast?
Where?

I-it's all in the note.

You really
expect me to believe

your mother wrote
this note?

Yes,
'cause she actually did.

Son, did you ever see
the movie "Red Dawn"?

A million times.

Do you love movies?
'Cause I love movies.

Let me ask you
a question.

What are you gonna do
when the russki invaders

storm the suburbs
of Philly?

Actually, I think
they'd be more interested

in coastal cities
and financial centers.

You're gonna
have to fight

and use the skills
you learned right here!

- Even the pull-up?
- Especially the pull-up.

You'll need your upper-arm
strength to bash skulls.

I don't want to...
bash skulls.

The kids in "Red Dawn"
didn't want to, either,

but they had to
in order to survive.

So...Where are we
with that note?

I just received
an authentic, bona fide note

from Mr. Goldfarb here

saying that he is
physically unable

to complete
the presidential fitness test.

So, I've decided
to push the test one week

until he gets better.

Until then,
we'll be running laps.

Mr. Goldfarb
will stand here and watch.

Feel free to wish him a
speedy recovery in your own way.

All right! Let's go!

Hoof it! Knees high!

You're so dead,
Goldnerd.

Totally get it.

Hey, ow.

Oh, real nice, Lisa.
Real nice.

Meanwhile, Erica's pen pal,
Fanny, had arrived

and was getting the grand tour
of the Goldberg home.

___

Fantastique.

'Sup, Fanny?

Mi casa es su casa.

Hunk of
your native bread?

___

Oh. Barree.
Bonjour.

Hi.

Oh, here.

Use these cards
I translated for you.

Start with this one.
It says, "welcome to our home.

It's really nice
to have you here."

Welcome to our home.

___

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Good stuff. Great start.

Um, I know you want to do
this next one.

It's "how you doing, girl?"

___

- She likes it.
- Yeah, it's working. Don't stop now.

___

___

Okay...

It sounded like
I said "Gary Coleman."

Weird.

Beautiful language.

Good night.
Or should I say...

___

Let me tell you something,
Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb.

There are three things
I hate in life ...

my ex-wife,
carrots, and lies.

Okay, why did I close my store
and rush down here?

Because President Reagan
asked me personally

through a xeroxed letter
to oversee a fitness test

of his design.

And your son tried to
get t of it

with an absurd note...

That no parent
would ever write.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I wrote the note.

Oh [Bleep] me.

It was a ridiculous test,
Murray.

Since when
is strength measured

by how many pull-ups
a person can do?

You know
what takes real strength?

Tackling the role
of Levi

in "Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat."

And Adam was scrumptious.

There's nothing wrong
with my test, ma'am.

If Adam suffers
from anything,

it is from
a far more serious

and permanent condition
called the wuss-bags.

Hey. My son may be unathletic
and afraid of birds ...

He's not afraid
of all birds.

I know, not all birds.
Not all birds.

But he's not a wuss.

Look, I am administering
a test at the direct order

of the President
of the United States.

If you want Adam out of it,
get a note from him.

Then it's settled.

I'll see you back here
on Monday.

What just happened?

She's gonna go get a note
from the president.

Look out, Mr. Reagan.

Beverly Goldberg's
coming for you.

My mom's mission to track down
the president had begun.

First stop ... Harrisburg,
the state capital.

Hello. I'm Pennsylvania
citizen Beverly Goldberg,

and I'm here to speak
to the governor.

Um...This is
the comptroller's office.

Great. Then I'll speak to
the comptroller.

Uh...A-a-and what does this
pertain to?

- The presidential fitness test.
- And the comptroller can help how?

he can put me in touch
with the governor,

who can put me in touch
with the president

so I can get my son
out of gym class.

Ah.

Question ... do you have any idea
what a-a comptroller does?

Of course.

He comptrols
the great state of Pennsylvania,

and I need him to get me to
the man who comptrols America.

Here's a thing ...
uh, "comptrol,"

the way you're using it,
isn't a word.

- Yes, it is.
- No. No, it's not.

- It is.
- Not really.

- Yeah, it is.
- Definitely not a word ...

straight-up not a word.

Uh, but I get the sense
you're not gonna leave,

so here's
what I'm gonna do.

There's a guy
in the state assembly's office

who screwed over
my sister.

I think
he should meet you.

Sound good?

Sounds great.

Now, I'm just gonna write down
these directions,

and when you see him,
just tell him,

"Jill's brother
says hi."

Thank you for taking comptrol
of the situation.

- Not a word.
- Yes, it is.

Meanwhile,
my brother was working on

his French connection.

Good morning,
mon ch?rie.

- Hello, Barree.
- Hi.

Getting into this right away,
huh, Barry?

What? I'm just showing her a
traditional American breakfast.

Fanny,
this is called a pop-tart.

In America, we eat our fruit
inside bread ... for you.

Merci.

You know what else
goes down easy in the morning?

Rap music.

Erica, you translated
my masterpiece, right?

Every word.

It's called "Mon lit."

It means "My bed."

___

___

___

___

___

___

___

Enough. I'm sorry.
I have to stop this.

It's too far.
You speak French?

How many times
do I have to tell you this?

I was in the war.
I helped liberate France.

That was real?

I'm confused.
What's happening?

The song ...
it's about peeing in your bed.

That wasn't
your intention, right?

No! No.

It had the word "pee-pee" in it,
like, a lot.

What the hell, Erica?

I asked you for your help,
and you made a fool of me?

I told you
not to hit on my friend.

I mean, did you actually think
you had a chance with her?

I don't know!

I mean, the girls here
don't get me at all,

so I thought someone
from another country might.

Now you ruined that,
too.

While Barry
had lost faith in romance,

i still had faith in my mom.

Has Mom come back
from the president's house yet?

Are you kidding?
No.

Have you checked
the answering machine?

Maybe Mr. Reagan
left a message or something.

You know,
the president's a very busy man.

He might not have time
to help one little boy

get out of gym class.

He likes jelly beans.

No, no,
h-he's got a fun side,

but I think you might
want to consider

that your mom's not gonna
come through on this.

I know
it's a bit of a long shot,

but she's never
let me down before.

And then something happened
more surprising

than my mom getting a note
from the president.

Come here, buddy.
I want to talk to you.

My dad decided
to open up to me.

You know why I...Really
want you to take this test?

You need an outlet
for your hostility?

No!
Stop aggravating me!

I'm trying
to help you here, man.

Okay, I'm gonna
tell you something

your brother and sister
don't know.

I played a lot of sports
in high school,

but there was one thing
I could never do ... swim.

- What?
- Yeah.

I grew up in the city.
Where would I learn?

Well, you could take the bus
to the beach,

or there's summer camps.

The YMCA
has a very nice program.

How about I talk,
you listen?

I tried everything
in my power

to get out of
that swim class

'cause I knew
if I got in the pool,

I'd humiliate myself
in front of everybody.

So, what did you do?

I got in
that damn pool!

At first,
I was embarrassed,

but by the end
of the semester,

I-I developed quite
a mean backstroke.

- Really?
- Yeah!

You don't have to be
the best.

You just got to try.

Well, since you were an athlete
back in the day,

maybe you could help me
with my pull-ups.

Let's get to work.
Come on!

Let's do this.

I did it!

I got a note
from the president

of the United States
of America.

Huh?
Huh?

Actually, it's from
the secretary

to the undersecretary
to the president,

who's the best friend of
the lieutenant governor's cousin

who just wanted to
get me out of the office,

but it's got
the presidential seal,

so it's official.

Wow. But no.

Adam and I
just had a talk,

and he understands
the importance of just trying.

I'll take the note!
I'll take the note.

Mom, you're the best.

I'll see you
around the TV sometime.

And, just like that,

I had a presidential pardon
from fitness.

Fanny just left
for the airport.

You didn't
want to say goodbye?

What's the point?

She thinks I'm a bed-wetting
loser thanks to you.

Actually,
I don't think she does.

Look,
she left you this note.

Oh, no!
I don't read French!

Right. But I do.

"Barry, sorry I was
so weird around you.

"American boys
intimidate me,

"especially the ones
who are so good at sports,

nunchucking, and frisbee."

She knows about
my frisbee skills?

Did she write
about the sketch I gave her

of us riding a dolphin?

No.

But she did say if you're
ever in Paris, look her up.

- Does it really say that?
- Yes.

It does.
I-it really does.

Looks like she was into you,
kiddo.

I'm not surprised.
I'm irresistible.

Hey.

This is a thank-you note
to your parents.

Well, I felt sorry
for the big dope.

No, you care about him.

Maybe a little.

Well,
it was a nice thing to do.

It was, but unfortunately,
it led to this.

I've got to stop that plane!

I'm coming, Fanny!

I'm coming for you!

Thanks to my mom, I was free.

And even so,
i could hear my dad's voice

ringing in my head.

Adam, I really think
you should take this test.

Turns out
it actually was my dad.

Dad,
what are you doing here?

I came here
to tell you something.

I can't swim.

But you said you ...

I know what I said...
But I lied.

I cut that class,
and I-I never learned how.

It's the biggest regret
of my life,

and I don't
want you growing up

having the same regrets
I do.

Goldfarb,
get your ass in here!

I may never
be able to swim,

but I know
you can do one pull-up.

All right, goldfarb.
Ready for the flexed arm hang?

No.
Today, I'm doing pull-ups.

Hey.
You can't park there.

It's okay. I'm here
to see a girl. I'm in love.

You got it, chief.
That's how the world works.

We need a tow truck
at Terminal 3.

* Rising up

* back on the street

* did my time

* took my chances

* went the distance
whoa!

It's ... it's okay. It's okay.
* now I'm back on my feet

I just have
a pocket knife.

All right, go ahead. You're good.

Let's go, Goldfarb. The President is waiting.

* you trade your passion
for glory *

* it's the eye of the tiger

* it's the thrill of the fight

* rising up to the challenge
of our rival *

* and the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night *

* and he's watching us all
with the eye-e-e *

* of the tiger

Attaboy!

- Yes! Whoo!
- Yeah!

My lord, that was the ugliest
pull-up I've ever seen.

You'll still get killed
in the first wave of attacks,

but maybe, just maybe,

you'll take a couple of those
commie bastards with you.
* the eye of the tiger

Well done, Goldberg.

* The eye of the tiger

Last call for flight 612
to Paris, France.

Wait ... hold the plane!

Fanny!

Fanny.

___

Shh.
Stop telling me you love me.

It's not meant to be.

I have to stay here

and become an American sports
and music icon.

But we'll always have
pop-tarts, Fanny.

___

___

We'll always
have pop-tarts.

___

She kissed me.

Twice.

Two French kisses.

___

___

Whoo!

* Eye of the tiger

* it's the thrill of the fight

* rising up to the challenge
of our rival *

Okay, that's enough. No more.
I like his little baby arms.

I'm gonna chew on those arms!

Oh!
Tickle, tickle!

Will you stop it?
What do you do that for?

I love him so much.

Okay, I tackled my fear.

* Of the tiger...
Now it's your turn.

Kick. Kick.
Use your legs.

- I'm kicking.
- See, you're doing it.

- I'm doing it!
- Keep on going.

All right.

Come on,
give it all you got.

Come on.
A little bit.

Yes! Whoo!

Has anyone seen my car?

I know the sign says
you can't park there,

but it's okay
'cause I'm in love.

___

___

Hasta la vista, baby.