The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - You're Not Invited - full transcript

To get his little brother his first kiss, Barry hosts a "no parents allowed" birthday party in the basement for Adam - and sparks some surprisingly protective instincts in Erica.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, you only had
three options for birthday parties --

roller skating,
Chuck E. Cheese,

or seeing
a wildly inappropriate movie

because your parents
didn't know any better.

And then...

Everything changed!

We're playing
laser tag tonight, people.

I know.
It's gonna be awesome!

But you know what's
gonna make it even more fun?

Protective cornea goggles.

No. No way. Why the hell do
I need to protect my corneas?

Because Sue Nagleman's son
lost his eye to a laser beam.

It wasn't a laser.
It was a taser.

And you don't talk back
to cops.

It's safe, Mom.
Laser tag's for little kids.

For your information,
there are many adults

that enjoy playing laser tag.

I admit,
they look kind of weird

waiting on
that single-player bench,

with their desperate eyes
just staring at you.

[ Sighs ] Whatever!
It's fun for everyone!

But mostly dorky, little kids.

Well, I'll never
be a fan of lasers,

but my scrumptious,
little snuggle monster

gets whatever he wants
on his birthday.

I want you to stop calling me
"snuggle monster".

Can't give you that.
But I can... give you this.

[ Singsong voice ]
It's present time!

What the heck
is a Sleeping Angel Book?

I've been taking pictures
of you sleeping

once a month
since you were born, my angel,

and I made it into a book.

If you flip through it, you can
see how much your head has grown.

Why does it say
"Sleeping Angel Part One"?

You'll find out
when you go to college.

While my mom gave gifts,

my dad had
his own birthday tradition --


Hey. My foot hurts.
What's for breakfast?

Well, we're celebrating

with "A"-shaped


[ Chuckling ]
It almost slid my mind.

Al Capone!

Geraldo Rivera is opening up
Al Capone's vault today

live on television!

It's like my birthday.

- Wow.
- Okay, Murray. Stop playing around.

You know what day it is.

Yeah, of course.

It's, um...


Baby out.

Baby day.

Baby... Birth.

Baby rocking.

Birth day.


My son...

Who is way more important
than Al Capone.

Daddy and I also got you that,
didn't we, Mur?

Yeah. Open it up.
It's gonna blow your mind.

I'm not much for surprises.

How about you tell me
what you got me, Mur?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's a surprise.

- Tell me what you got me.
- It's a surprise.

Say it in words.


It's, uh,
a-a dancing lady.

A, uh, dancing...

An angry, dancing


♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ bit nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice

It was mid-April,

I was still on an epic quest
to get my first kiss

from my kinda/sorta/maybe
girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.

Thankfully, my favorite
afroed TV painter, Bob Ross,

was there to break the tension.

I like the way he paints trees.

The best.

You should see what he does
with cottages.

Bob Ross:
...indication here and there

of some happy, little
evergreen tress.

Well, I should
probably get going.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'll see you at laser tag?

I hope I'm on your team.

I'll see what I can do,
but no guarantees.

There's gonna be two captains.
Could get complicated.


Happy Birthday?

Up high?

Adult Adam:
Sure, it wasn't my first kiss,

but this double wiggly
high-five was just as good,

I tried to tell myself.

[ Door closes ]

Pathetic, dude.

Oh, like you could do
any better.

Hell yeah, I could!

Big tasty knows how to tame
the Booty with the beat.

You got to kiss her, bro!

I know!

Just -- the timing
hasn't been right.

I've been busy,
she's been busy.

Her family went to Sarasota.

I had that cold
and that Spanish quiz.

Well, now the timing's right.

It's your birthday.

Tonight, you got to throw
a full-on make-out party.

A laser tag
make-out party?

how would that even work?

No laser tag!
Just make-out party!

What am I?
Scott Baio?

I don't know how to throw
a make-out party.

That's why you call...

[ Imitates dialing ]

Barry's make-out parties.
How can I help you?

Can you tell my brother
he's a giant putz?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, we turn the basement
into a love den.

It's dark and dusty

and smells like
your old, sweaty hockey gear.

Pheromones, bro!
Ladies love it.

And we'll light some incense,

then we'll deck it out
with sexy accessories

Moroccan pillows,
lava lamps, and bongo drums.

I'm intrigued.
Go on.

And we serve the sexiest foods.

- Go on.
- Oysters.

Soft cheeses.

- Go on.
- And onion dip.

Nothing crunchy.

Know why?

- Crunchy isn't sexy.
- Wait.

How do you eat onion dip
if you don't have anything --


Spoons are sexy.

You obviously know
what you're talking about.

But [Sighs] how do I get Dana
to kiss me?

Break the ice with games.

Twister, Truth or Dare,

and the main event --

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

And you got to wear something
seductive, so go to the mall,

and buy the first
velour clothing you see.

That's the sexiest
of all fabrics.

Velour. Got it.

I was so desperate
for my first kiss

that Barry
was actually making sense.

Meanwhile, my dad was desperate
to watch some "Geraldo".

[ Door closes ] Mmm!
Smells great in here!

Yeah, I went to
the South street Italian market

in honor of the opening
of Al Capone's vault.

Truly, it's the most exciting
thing to happen to me

in the past 20 years.
What about your kids?

- Oh, they're not gonna be here.
- Oh.

Adam's got a thing tonight.

A thing?

It's his birthday party.

Tell me at least
you remembered it this year.


It's not whether or not
I remembered.

It's whether he thinks I remembered.

I don't think you remembered.

There's the man
I'm looking for.

Happy Birthday, kiddo.

Holy God.

A digital Pac-Man watch?
Do you like it?

Uh, it's a video game
on my wrist!

I love it!

Thanks, Pops.

You are the greatest man
I've ever known.

Literally the greatest man.

What was that all about?

Did you not give him a gift?

It's not
whether I got him a gift,

it's whether he thinks
I got him a gift.

Adam: I don't!

Murray, you do this every year.

For once, just get hom something!

Everybody knows
that I'm not good at birthdays

or giving gifts
or remembering events.

It's my thing!

Well, you're missing out.

I mean, did you see
the look on Adam's face

when I gave him
that Puckman watch thing?

Pure joy!

That's why we should say
the watch is from both of us.

Just go get the kid
a damn gift already!

While my dad had to suck it up
and get me a gift,

I was about to hurt my mom

worse than having all her leg
hair yanked out by an Epilady.

Ooh, I'll come back.

No, it's fine, boopie.

[ Buzzing ] Good.

'Cause I was thinking,
instead of laser tag,

maybe me and my friends
could hang out in the basement

and watch "Ghostbusters".

I'm not canceling laser tag.

[ Buzzing stops ]
They wanted a $100 deposit

until I yelled at the guy
to waive it.

I know it's last minute,
but I really want this.

I guess I could make
a "Ghostbusters" cake.

I'm also thinking no cake.

- No cake?
- No cake.

- No cake?!
- No cake.

If there's no cake,

then I can't hug you
and sing "Happy Birthday".

Which works out well,

'cause I'm also thinking
no song and... no you.

- Then I wouldn't be there.
- Uh-huh.

I have to be there.

Look, starting with
this birthday,

everything changes.

I'm like an adult now.

- But --
- This is my special day.

[ Sighs ] Please, Mama?

I only pulled out the "Mama"

when it was
absolutely necessary,

and when I did,
she was putty in my hands.

Okay, fine.

Sad, boring, cakeless, songless,
momless basement party it is.

With my mother
successfully neutralized,

my make-out bash was a go.

I scored everything
on Barry's sexy checklist,

right down to the velour shirt.

And that last smooth soul jam

was dedicated to all you lovers
in the crowd.

You know who you are.

Why is he nodding at us?

No idea.

Stop nodding at us!

Turns out, make-out parties
are awesome in theory,

but awkward in reality.

Next up is Twister, y'all!

Hope you stretched,

'cause it's abouto get
real bendy in here.

So, um,
what happened to laser tag?

I just thought
this might be more fun.

- Oyster?
- Mnh.

- Soft cheese?
- Oh, wow. That's really stinky.

You know it.

[ Cheese thuds ]
Check this out.

Moroccan pillow.


Oh, it's hard.


And with that,
the best night of my life

had officially become
a kissless, velour nightmare.

Amazingly, my mom took
my momless party in stride.

- This is madness.
- Or not.

I mean, what boy wants
a basement party?

There's no pin the tail
on the donkey,

no balloons, no cake.

You know what?
Screw it.

Give me the phone book.
I'm calling a [Bleep] clown.

No! Stop!

No clown.

I know my son.

He needs me down there.

I can literally
feel him call me

to bring him this festive
platter of bagel bites.

You promised Adam.

I'll bring him
the stupid bagel bites.


You stay put.

The last thing Erica wanted

was for my overbearing smother
to ruin my party.

But then she saw
the soft, pink mood lighting...

...and the gooey, sexy foods?

And chachi!

And just like that, my sister
went into full mom mode.

What the hell
is happening here?

Looks like a love dungeon
in a serial killer's house.

It's a make-out party,
and I got to say, bagel bites?

Not sexy.
Get 'em out of here.

'Sup, Erica?
Didn't know you'd be here.

Okay, get your body
away from me, Dave Kim.


This whole thing
is upsetting and wrong.

And it has to stop right now.

Okay, this is all I could find
for spin the bottle,

but it's completely full.

Barry to the rescue.

I'll take it down.
My body loves calcium.

That day, my brother found out
the hard way

it's physically impossible
to drink that much milk.

[ Sighs ]

Is this from a cow?

Why is it so hard?

[ Exhales sharply ]

My body says no, but...

I'm gonna do this for you guys.

Are you kidding me?

Spin the bottle,
mood lighting, and velour?

This isn't you.

Can we talk about this later?

You're kind of giving off
a... Mom vibe.

I am not Mom!

I will never be Mom!

Now, take these bagel bites

and blow on them three times

or they'll scald
your little mouth,

and get away from me, Dave Kim!

Okay. I'm gonna need you
to leave my party.


Oh, I'm leaving.

I'll go up there and tell Mom

all about
your creepy freak fest.

Hold on.

You win, okay?

At least let me tell her.

And it's just I thought I knew
what kind of party I wanted.

[ Sighs ]
But I realize now --

What is it, honey?
I really want a cake!

Something that reminds me
of my childhood.

It would make me so happy,
but now it's too late...


[ Pan clangs ] Oh!

Mama's here, baby.

Mama's going to the store
right now.

Mama will be back
in 20 minutes.

Wait. Mom!

Out of my way!

I want
Bert and Ernie!

Anything for my birthday boy.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Well, that was good.

But you leave me no choice.

When Mom gets back,
I'm gonna tell her everything.

Oh, I don't think so.

Unless you want her to hear

what happened
at the Winter Formal.

- What?
- And when you were on that ski trip.

- What?
- Three words -- South Padre Island.

- What? - I have been the coolest
little brother in the world

until now.

You keep my secret,
I'll keep yours.

Now, do we understand
each other?

- Yes!
- Good.

While my sister was trying

to figure out a way
to end my party,

Barry was doing all he could
to keep it chugging along.

Are you almost done?

People are starting to lose interest
in spin the bottle. [ Sighs ]

I'm trying!

Son of a bitch!
This thing is bottomless!

[ Electronic gunfire ] That bottle
wasn't the only thing bottomless.

Murray: Pew! Pew!
- Just then, my dad decided to pick

the worst moment to finally
give me my birthday gift.

Where's the man of the hour?!

Dad, what the hell?
You're not wearing any pants!

Oh, they know
how it works around here.

You notice anything else?

[ Electronic gunfire ]

Laser tag!

I bought a bunch
for you and your friends.

Yeah. Great.
Now please leave.

I just went and bought you

the thing you wanted most
in the world.

[ Electronic gunshot ]
You could at least give me

a thumbs-up, a thank-you,
a look of appreciation.


That's a fake smile,
and you know it.

It's not a fake smile.
It's got teeth and everything.

I hate that smile!

I don't even like
laser tag, okay?

Want to get me a present?


My dad finally bought me
a gift from the heart,

and I flat-out rejected him.

I was sacrificing everything
for that kiss,

and nothing would stop me.

[ Gags ]

Hah! Hah! It burns!

[ Sighs ] Can I get some milk?

[ Exhales sharply ]


Now you ask me?

You're unb--
[ Belches ]

I got to go.
I got to go.

I had neutralized Erica with threats

and my mother with cake,

but I knew that wasn't gonna
hold them off forever.

Is the cake ready yet?

I mean, how much more baking
do you need to do already?

Get off my back, Erica.

I'm a mother,
not a pastry chef.

Ugh. This looks like "Sloth"
from "The Goonies".

Why is it so hard
to make an oblong Bert head?

No, no, no, no!
Don't start over!

[ Scoffs ] Just go
downstairs right now

and see what's going on, okay?

No, I can't barge in.

What do you mean
you can't barge in?

That's all you do!

I finally made
some headway with Adam.

He asked for a cake.

If I play my cards right,

I can get some huggies
when we sing "Happy Birthday"!

[ Chuckles ]

Mom, do you remember the time

that you snuck in the basement
and spied on me and Lainey

drinking mango madness
wine coolers

and then grounded me
for two months?

That was a good day.

Okay, well,
I need you to go downstairs.

And just in case
Adam does mention something

about South Padre Island,
he's a liar.

And I'm sorry.

While my meddling smother
plotted her next move,

the plot thickened
outside Al Capone's vault.

Geraldo Rivera:
...The real secret tunnel.

I can't believe it

that little moron ruined
Al Capone's vault for me.

Stop it, Murray.

In 10 minutes,

he's gonna blow open that vault

and with it, our minds.

How am I supposed to enjoy it?

I don't buy Adam a gift,
he's pissed at me.

I buy him a gift,
he's even more pissed at me.

I can't win.

Our baby grew up
so fast, didn't he?

It's, like, one minute, he's
this little, four-eyed dork.

Then you blink, and he's a man.

A man with needs.

What's happening?

I miss that little lovebug.
That's what's happening.

Oh, my God.
I am Mom!

You are, and I got to tell you,
it's a real downer.

You know how many gifts
my dad bought me growing up?


That's all I got
from that man -- nothing.

Do you think it hurt?
Damn right, it hurt.

Oh, my God!

Why are you coming to terms
with this now?

They're about to blow the safe!

See, that's why
I don't give gifts.

It's all a sham.

I wish we could
just stop time, you know?

And keep him our
special, little boy forever.

Okay. That's it.

I'm watching TV upstairs.

No one follow me.

Adult Adam: While my dad
and sister were having a breakdown,

my mom was
plotting a break-in.

My God, she was like a silent,
manicured, nosy ninja.

Smooth move, Adam.

It's not my fault.
It's too big a bottle.

It's meant for milk,
not spinning.

Maybe we should just go.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Don't go.

How about, uh,
Seven Minutes in Heaven?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's your birthday, dude,
so you pick first.

This kiss
was my Al Capone's vault.

The buildup was excruciating,

and it was finally time
to get it over with.

Dana, I guess?

Um... Okay.

Even though
my big moment was here,

I was blissfully unaware

that the other woman in my life
had crashed my party.

[ Beeping ]

Are you playing Pac-Man?

No, I-I'm trying
to set the timer.

The directions are in Japanese.

It's very complicated.


There we go.

We're on the clock.

Are you sweating?

It's the velour shirt.
It doesn't breathe.

It reminds me
of my Nana's robe.

[ Chuckles ]


We got 6:38 left.

What are you thinking?

I guess we could, um, you know.


Let's... You know.

[ Snort ]

What's wrong?

I thought that was you.


Hi, Poopie.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Dana.

- Oh, my God!
- Wow. That is an adorable dress.

[ Gasps ]

I was just seeing
if the ski boots

were all
where they're supposed to be,

and, uh [Clicks tongue]
they are.


I don't want to talk to you.

Just give me a sec.

Your mom was in
our Seven Minutes in Heaven!

I'm sorry. This whole thing
has been a complete disaster.

Why'd you even throw
this stupid party?

What was wrong with laser tag?

I love laser tag.

Then why didn't
we just play laser tag?

You big idiot.

[ The Cure's
"Just Like Heaven" plays ]

You're right.
I am an idiot.

Let's just play laser tag.

[ Electronic gunfire,
children shouting playfully ]

That night, my worst birthday
ever became the best.

Yeah, we all wanted
that first kiss,

but for one more night,

we were all happy
to keep on being kids.

What a little dork.

Thank God.


[ Electronic gunshot ]

Best gift ever!

See that smile?

That's it!
That's the look!

Come on. Let's go see that
handsome devil open that vault.

Oh, just tell me what happens.

[ Electronic gunfire,
music continue ]

It seems, at least up to now,

that we've struck out
with the vault.

I'm disappointed about that,
as I'm sure you are.

Adult Adam: Turns out,
Al Capone's vault was empty.

All that buildup and no payoff.

Poor mustachioed bastard.


We're just taking a break.

Oh. I just finished
the cake.

It's terrible, isn't it?
I should just start over.

No! I love it.

♪ You ♪
♪ lost and lonely ♪

let's eat.

Happy Birthday,
snuggle monster.

♪ ...the deepest oceans ♪

Thanks, Mama.

♪ You're just like a dream ♪

♪ You're just like a dream ♪

There's too many of them.

You run, I'll cover you.

[ Electronic gunfire ]


[ Distorted ] No!

[ Electronic warbling ]

You saved me.

I...guess I did.

♪ I opened up my eyes ♪

♪ I found myself alone, alone ♪

♪ Alone above a raging sea ♪

♪ That stole
the only girl I loved ♪

♪ And drowned her... ♪

Even though Al Capone's vault

may have been
a complete letdown,

some things in life

are as amazing
as you'd hoped they'd be.


[ Ding! ]

[ Ding! ]

Who should I kiss?

Come on, Adam!

She's not
gonna let me kiss --


As student council treasurer,

we should
go over the budget first,

and then, if we have time,
talk bake sale.

Why exactly
are we meeting down here?

No reason.

Soft cheese? Oyster?

Not you, Sanjeev.

Let's begin, shall we?

there's no chairs,

so we're gonna have to sit
in a circle on the floor.

Oh! Look!

A bottle!

Here's a crazy idea.

Spin the bottle!

I'll go first.

Bagel bites?