The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - For Your Own Good - full transcript

It's a funny thing about dads --

they always tend to be
creatures of habit.

At least, my father was.

He liked what he liked,
and he hated change.

Ever since I can remember,
he wore the same shoes,

he ate the same breakfast.

I'm home!

Don't anybody bother me!

And every day,
he'd come home at 5:15,

park his pants at the door,
sit in the same chair,

and watch the same show.



If you tried
to change anything,

he'd fight you tooth and nail.

That's why my mom
created the illusion

everything stayed the same,
but it wasn't.

That magical pair of shoes
that never wore out --

she secretly replaced them
every eight months.

That laissez-faire attitude
about his personal grooming --

she tended to that, too.

She even managed to switch him

to low-fat cream cheese
without him noticing.

This tastes funny.

- No, it doesn't.
- Okay.

Yep, Beverly Goldberg had
always been the puppet master,

and my dad had no idea.



Beverly!

That is, until
the day she got a new chair.

Beverly!
Beverly Goldberg!

What the hell is sitting
where my chair should be?

Surprise!

I thought it was time
for an upgrade.

Don't you just love it?

Where's my chair -- the one I've
been sitting in for 20 years?

I donated it to goodwill.

Without telling me?!
Why would you do that?!

Honey, you're always complaining
about how your back hurts.

It's that old chair.

You never liked that chair.

You've always been jealous
of what we've had together.

"We"? Who's "we"?

Me and Mr. chair.
That's right, it had a name.

Well, it's not a very good one.

Mine is top-of-the-line.

You're gonna love
how comfy it is.

Ohh. It's so spongy.

Honey, you're gonna
have to trust me on this.

I bought it for your own good.

I can't breathe.
Can't breathe.

Well, stop sitting like that.

You're sitting uncomfortably
on purpose.

It's engulfing me.

Stop it!

Those are exaggerated
body movements.

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

It was march 7, 1980-something.

And like every day,
I rode the bus.

Back then,
this was the wild west --

no seatbelts,
no security cameras,

no one to stop the one dude
who made your life miserable.

For me, it was an eighth grader
named J.C. Spink.

Look who it is --
Adam Gold-nerd.

He may have been tiny,
but he was terrible.

Can you please
lay off today, J.C.?

I forgot my gym shorts and
had to run the mile in jeans.

I have a really bad chafe.

Oh, man. I am so sorry
to hear that.

Hey, everybody.

Adam has got
some sting-y thighs.

So if I see
one spitball hit this kid,

you will have to deal with me.

Wow. Thanks, dude.
That's -- that's really --

Everybody get their asses
in their seats --

especially you, Spink!

Yes, sir.

Mind if we share?

I was plastered up against that
window for the next 20 minutes.

And then I saw Barry doing what
he did best -- flipping out.

No! No! No, no, no!

What the hell is his deal?

Where the hell is my
Sports Illustrated football phone?!

Damn it.
Where?! Where?! Where?!

Ow!

- Unreal! Unreal!
- That's my big brother, Barry.

He's clinically insane.

For real?

The doctors gave up on him.

He's too crazy
for their modern medicine.

Where is my phone?!

And if you don't back off,
I'm bringing him on this bus,

and he'll smear you
against a window.

J.C. Was running scared.

Now I just had to get Barry
on board.

Unfortunately,
he was a little preoccupied

with more urgent matters.

The dude on TV said

my football phone would
be here in eight weeks.

It's been 10!

I mean, what am I
supposed to do, huh?

Make phone calls
on a phone-shaped phone

like some kind of animal?

I say good day to you, sir.

Rough stuff, man.

I can see you're
going through a lot.

Speaking of difficult problems,

is there any way
you would start

riding the bus to school
with me again? Huh?

Why would I ride the bus
with you

when I carpool with Erica and
her smoking-hot friend Lainey

who secretly loves me but
is too afraid to act on it?

Look.

There's this kid
who's making my life hell.

And if you were there,
he'd leave me alone.

I do have an air
of badass about me.

- So you'll do it?
- Hmm.

I've given it a lot of thought,

and I'm respectfully declining
your stupid-ass invitation.

Please! I'm begging you!

I'll give you
all my Garbage Pail Kids.

See? They're like
baseball cards, but hilarious.

One day, these will be
worth millions.

They're not.

All right. Fine.
Whatever. I'm in.

For real?
Listen, bro.

You're literally
the most annoying, un-athletic,

four-eyed, almost girl-like
dork I've ever met.

But you're my brother, and
no one beats you up but me.

I was touched, insulted,
and kind of angry,

but I'd gotten what I wanted.

No, stop!

Once the chair molds to your
body, there's no going back!

- It's imprinted to you for life!
- Wha?

The first 48 hours
are the most important.

Get up! Get up!

Aw, damn it.

Now it's got your
tiny girl imprint.

This is truly the worst thing
to ever happen to me.

Okay. I'm gonna leave you
to whatever this is.

Oh! What is that pitch?!

♪ There's so many things
I want to say ♪

- I see you!
- Oh, crap!

Don't make me get up!

I don't like getting up!

- Get the hell out of here now!
- Run!

♪ I would never leave you
alone ♪ [ Both laugh ]

His beloved chair was gone,
and my dad was livid,

so he decided to strike back
where she'd feel it most --

the kitchen.

What is this?
W-what's happening?

Where's my stove?

Surprise!

Don't you love it?!

Murray, where is my stove?

You know,
you're always complaining

about slaving away
in the kitchen,

so I got you a gift.

Dinner's in a half an hour.

What the hell am I
supposed to cook with?

Ooh.

The microwave --
a new miracle of technology

that magically cooked food
in a tenth of the time.

And, man, did it boil my mom.

My God.
How does it work?

I know you're gonna think
I'm crazy when I say this.

Magic.

- I'd buy that. - Totally. - I agree.

It's not magic, people.

It's an evil food box.

Hot. It's hot.
It's hot.

Popcorn in four minutes!

Ooh.

A cure for polio, a man
on the moon, and now this.

Hey!
Are you nuts?

That food's been radiated.
It's like poison in a bag.

Bev, I did this
for your own good.

That small wonder over there

is gonna make your life
so much better.

You're playing
a very dangerous game.

Are you sure
you want to take me on?

Oh, I'm sure --

in honor of my
fallen comrade, Mr. chair.

Your fallen comrade smelled

like an envelope full of farts!

I just heated up a lasagna

in the time it took for
your relationship to collapse.

While my mom was trying
not to go nuclear,

things were about to blow up
on the bus.

Hey, Gold-nerd!

Look whose brother
didn't show up.

Time for target practice.

I think it's time you leave
my little brother alone

or I'll spit at you...

Without a ball!

It'll be all spit.

No ball?

C-come on, man.
That's crazy.

That's right.

And there's a good chance
I have mono,

'cause I sleep
an insane amount.

Listen up, little bus people.

There's a new sheriff in town,

and his name is
Barry Norman Goldberg.

If you have anything
to say to my little bro,

you say it to me first.

Except you, Tyler.
You can speak to me directly.

He's cool.
We were in "Pippin" together.

I am quite
the song-and-dance man.

Tyler, not helping!

Beat it, loser.

I couldn't believe it.

After years of torturing me,

Barry actually
came to my rescue.

Dude, thank you.

No problem.

Now give me your lunch.

Being awesome makes me hungry.

You're supposed to use
the spreader.

Consider it used.

And just like that, my new
bodyguard became my new bully.

And at home, my mom and dad's
battle had become a war.

His tightie-whitie drawer
had been invaded by boxers.

Here you go, sweetie.

Straight out of
the radioactive heat box.

Oh.

It's like eating
egg-flavored newspaper.

All right, we need to talk.

Oh, morning, sweetie.

Would you like some
microwaved egg rubber?

No. I would like
my underpants back.

Oh, well, you're holding them.

No, no. These are
not my underpants.

Mine are white, tight, and
they keep the fellas in place.

Not hungry.

Well, now you have boxers.

You know,
scientific research shows

that you need to let
your privates breathe,

especially if we're gonna
have more kids one day.

First, I will never wear
shorts under my pants.

It's madness!

And second,
having more children

is literally
my worst nightmare!

You'll understand
when you have horrible kids.

Sweetie, I'm only doing
this for your own good.

You want war?

You got one.

My mom thought
she had struck the death blow

by taking away
my dad's tightie-whities.

Little did she know, things
were about to get ugly --

- real ugly.
- Well, well.

- Look who finally came
around on the boxers. - Nope.

- But you're dressed for work.
- Yep.

- So everything's just all
free in there? - Yep.

No!

You're an adult man in society.
You need another layer!

People won't see it,
but they'll sense it.

You wanted my boys to breathe.

Well, they're taking
a big breath.

That's right. The three amigos,
they're dining alfresco.

Have a nice day.

Why are you patting my head?
What's happening?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

What did you do?
What did you do?

Holy

Where's my Aqua Net?

Oh, your can of hair spray!

Yeah.

I got rid of it
for your own good.

Did you know it's burning
a hole in the ozone layer?

I don't want to hear about
some imaginary layer in the sky.

I'm leading a PTA meeting
in 30 minutes,

and I need to command respect
with my giant hair!

You get me the chair,
I'll give you the hair.

Oh, you think
you beat me on this?

Well, our daughter has a
whole arsenal of hair products,

and she has been dying
to give me a new look.

Oh, my God. What did
I just hear? Is this real?

Are we finally getting rid
of that terrible blonde helmet?

- Okay, close your eyes. I'm
doing your bangs. - Mm-hmm.

- This is gonna be totally rad.
- Hmm.

How's it looking?

Really, really awesome.

Oh.

- I know!
- Oh, my God!

- I know!
- How did this happen?!

I don't know!

Ohh!
It fried my hair!

Like, really quickly.
It's so unhealthy.

It's like you have a head
full of sagebrush.

I know!
Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do
about this?!

Okay. Okay.
Let's take a chill pill.

I know I can fix this.

Hi, PTA.

Let's talk spring fling.

What's with your hair?

Don't look at it, Karen.

Afternoon, friends.

You're all looking
particularly small today, huh?

Hey, Tyler.

Cool frisbee.

My frisbee.

Yo, Spinkter.

Give me those cheese doodles.

Just take them, Barry.

Who's this Barry you speak off?

Take them...

Bus lord.

That's right.

My plan for a bodyguard
had backfired,

and now it was up to me
to banish our evil bus lord.

You know, I think I got
this bus stuff handled,

so it's probably time
you go back and ride

with Erica and
her smoking-hot friends.

Dude, I'm never going back.

This bus is mine now.
It's my home.

Now, leave me be.
I find you boring.

Stop!

What just happened
on your shirt?

Oh, it's hypercolor.

The color changes
when you touch it.

I bought it with
my lawn-mowing money.

I want it.
What? No!

You'll stretch it out.

Good point.

Then you will use
your hard-earned money

to buy me one that
accommodates my muscular body.

Your brother's
a real ass-bag.

Yes. Yes, he is.

This whole thing's been
a very eye-opening experience.

I'm sorry for
the way I treated you.

It won't happen again.

What do you say we get Barry
off this bus for good?

There's no way.

Oh, there's always a way.

Okay, look, everybody.
Come here.

We all know
where we sit on this bus.

Some of us
are back-row material.

Some, like me, kind of
float in the middle.

A few of us tay suck and sit in the front.

But for once,
let's forget about what row we sit in.

For once, let's work together and take our bus!

- Now who's with me?
- I am!

Damn it, Tyler.

You scared the crap out of me.

But I love the enthusiasm.

Whoa, stop!

Don't park your pants
at the door.

Rumor has it
you're going alfresco.

Oh, damn it. I forgot.
I miss my underpants.

Ah, you'll get used to it.

I've been going alfresco
since the '70s.

My dad didn't think
he could miss anything

more than
his tightie-whities.

Boy, was he wrong.

What the hell?

TV's gone, mur.

Yeah, I see that.

Beverly took it.

I figured that.

- You lost the war, pal.
- Stop talking.

You know, I've been watching
these fish for 10 minutes,

and I got to tell you,
it's some entertaining stuff.

These two fish,
they're complete opposites.

They'll never get along,
but they have to.

They live in close quarters.

Stop talking!

Isn't it great?

It's like being in the lobby
of a benihana.

And the best part about it is

you need to constantly
tend to it.

Getting rid of the TV,
that's nuts.

That's the glue that holds
this family together.

Everyone know that
TV strains your eyes.

I did this for your own good.

Don't do anything
for my own good, okay?

I'm fine.
I don't need your help.

Really? Do you know
how many things I do for you,

things you don't even
know anything about?

So sue me if I want you

to sit in a chair that's
not a disgusting fart trap

that ruins the scheme
of my entire living room.

Aha! Right there!
You did it for you.

What?

That hurts your back --
a chair that hurts your back.

Too late.
You said it.

Yes, that chair may be old,

but it's because I-I sit in it,
I sleep in it, I eat in it,

I even raised
our children from it.

I know you do a lot for me.

You do, and I love you for it.

But you didn't get rid
of that chair for me.

You got rid of that chair
for you.

Things were still hell
on the bus,

and now our evil emperor
had new clothes.

Step aside.

Hands off the hypercolor.

Don't touch the bod.

What are you doing?
Move.

Nah. I don't think
I'm gonna do that.

This isn't a request.

Either you do it
or I'll throw you off the bus.

That's where
you're wrong, dude.

This isn't your bus anymore.

Says who?

Says me.

♪ Who will fight
for your honor ♪

You owe me a frisbee.

Let's get him!

Yeah!

Bye!

Hands.

There's so many hands.

While Barry was
no longer king of the bus,

my mom was looking
for my father's throne.

Uh, hi. I'm looking
for a Mr. Nitrous.

This is he.
And it's just Nitrous.

Mr. Nitrous is my dad.

That's nice.

Listen, I was just
at the goodwill,

and I was told that you
purchased something that I need.

That's my chair, sweetie.

No way, lady.
I will never give you my chair.

This thing's my throne. It's
shaped perfectly to my body.

Not your body,
my husband's body,

which also is very similar
to your body.

Let me just
buy it back from you.

Name your price.

- Show me your boobs.
- No!

- Then give me $1 million.
- No.

- I'd very much like to revisit
the boob conversation. - No.

- Show me your boobs.
- No!

Then give me $1 million.

Okay, I feel like we're going
in circles, Nitrous.

And if you ask me
this house is full of boobs.

I'm looking at them.

And this place is a pigsty, and
you're all dressed like slobs.

And when was the last time

one of you ate a meal
with a vegetable?

It's been a long time.

Yeah. You don't need boobs.
You need your laundry done.

You need your bed made.

You need to... scour
every surface in this house

before one of you gets
a wicked staph infection.

It's just...
We don't know how.

Mama's here, Nitrous.

♪ Who will fight
for your honor ♪

♪ It's like a knight
in shining armor ♪

While my mom
cleaned up her mess with my dad,

I was hoping Barry
would forgive my dirty work.

Hey, big news.

The mailman came.
Special delivery for Big Tasty.

Wow! Great!

It's a phone!
It's a football!

Whatever.

So, y-you finally got it.
That's cool, right?

So that means we're cool,
too, right?

You led a mutiny
against me, dude.

We are most definitely
not cool.

I didn't have a choice.
You went mad with power!

Listen -- I know
from the outside it may

seem like I have a perfect life,
but the truth is

there are a lot of jerks
at school

that aren't so nice to me.

It was cool to have a place
where I had respect for once.

I... didn't know that.

Here.

Take your
Garbage Pail Kids back.

You don't need to pay me
to protect you.

I want to because
you're my brother.

As for my mom, she got
her hair back... eventually.

Come on. Can't I
give it one more try?

And most importantly, my dad got his chair back.

Oh, my God!

- { I can't believe it.

Don't thank me.
I did it for your own good.

Ahh.

Mr. chair. Mr. chair!

♪ That we did it all
for the glory of love ♪

Smells like beer.

- No, it doesn't.
- Okay.

___

Erica!

I've been honking for forever.
We're gonna be late for school.

I overslept.
Give me a second.

What's up, Lainey?
Got some good news.

I'm gonna ride
with you guys again.

Please.

Wow.

Got some hypercolor there, huh?

Yeah. You, uh...
Digging it?

Actually...

Yes, I am.

You're looking
really good, Bar.

Got to be honest.
Never thought of you this way.

Oh, no.

Is it hot in here?

Oh, yeah.

It's hot.

Lainey, stop messing with him.
Let's go.

I knew she was messing with me.

I mean, come on.
Do I look stupid?