The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 7 - Father Knows Best - full transcript

[instrumental music]

(Geoffrey)
Mail call!

"Wall Street Journal"
for Master Carlton.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

A statement from the Bank
Of Bel-Air for Ms. Ashley.

And a plain brown package
for me.

I'll be taking my break now.

Bank of Bel-Air?

Yeah. Well, bye.

(Will)
See you later, Ash.

Something's afoot.



And something's
a foot and a half.

I'm talking about Ashley.

I know where every penny
of this family's money is.

And none of it
is in the Bank Of Bel-Air.

So?

So, obviously,
Ashley's hoarding money.

And I know why.

She's amassing a private fortune

so she can buy out
the family business

in a hostile takeover.

A sweater and a string of pearls

and you'd be Angela Lansbury.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪



♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[crashing]

(Ashley)
'Ouch! Shoot!'

Ashley? What are you doing?

Changing for school.

See, um..

Today is, uh, casual day.

Well, uh, that sounds like

the, uh, truth.

Actually, Will,
I've been keeping a secret.

And if I don't tell someone,
I'm gonna explode.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
don't tell me, 'cause if I know

I can't say I don't know
when you get busted

and Uncle Phil start
rounding up the usual suspects.

And I am the usual suspects.

I dropped out
of Bel-Air Academy

and I've been going
to public school

since the beginning
of the semester.

I didn't hear that.

- I said I dropped out!
- I heard what you said, Ashley.

Ash, what are you..
How can you do that?

I-it was easy.
I forged all the papers.

Took daddy's tuition money

and put it in
an interest-bearing account.

Pretty good, huh?

You're tripping?

No, no. No, no.
You're worse than tripping.

You've fallen
and you can't get up!

And he will find out.

And when he does,
he's going to ground you

into dust.

Will, you don't understand.

Everything's so fake
at Bel-Air Academy.

The teachers,
the kids, the noses.

I can't take it anymore.

Please don't tell daddy.

I, look, I ain't gonna dime you,
but if he subpoenas me

I'm gonna be singing
like Luther.

[keyboard keys clacking]

I'm in! Ha-ha-ha!

Will, come here!

Okay.

"Bank Of Bel-Air?"

Carlton, how hid you
tap into those records?

Well, I overrode
the configuration files

and deleted
the encrypted password.

Goodness.

It's Hack Boy

the stubby-fingered avenger.

Go ahead and joke.

But sometimes you have
to go around the law

to expose the greater evil.

Ashley's hiding $10,000!

Now, where did she get
that kind of money?

Maybe she's Counterfeit Girl,
the sister of Hack Boy.

Look, Carlton,
it's none of your business, man.

Why don't you just
butt out, alright?

Oh, I see.

She's already gotten to you.

Trust no one.

Will, I don't get it.

My producer told me
that I'm losing

my black audience.

Oh.

I-I don't see why, Hil.

I mean, you got
the best talk show on TV.

You really think so?

Well, what was
your favorite topic?

Uh, yo, uh,
the one with the-the, uh

dysfunctional, uh, single parent

uh, gang-member nuns.

Hil, I-I've never actually seen
one of your shows.

- Will!
- Uh, listen, Hilary, I'm sorry.

You just need to do some
stuff
that reaches out

to your brothers and sisters.

Why? What have Carlton
and Ashley ever done for me?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Whoa-ho-ho!

If it isn't Belly Dee Williams.

I was just kidding.
Okay, man, you look great.

- Where y'all going?
- A fundraiser at the museum.

Boy, do I hate these things.

Then why do you agree
to be on the Board of Trustees?

Well, I'm a judge, and judges
are supposed to be on boards.

Well, it's just that with you,
it's usually a smorgasbord.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, honey.

Will, I need to talk to you.

Bye.

Uh, it's girl talk.

Will, my homeroom teacher
insists on meeting my parents.

I've already canceled
five times.

She wants to see someone
tonight.

Hey, Ashley,
you're just gonna have

to come clean with Uncle
Phil.

I can't! I'm waiting
for the right time.

And when is that?

When we go shopping
for my cap and gown.

That's assuming that you're
gonna live till graduation.

Will, I need your help.

Ashley, let me sum this up
for you in two words.

Unh-unh.

You know, I didn't want
to have to say this.

But it's your fault
I'm in this mess.

My fault?

Oh, this one here gonna be good.

Before you showed up

I was leading
a nice, sheltered existence.

But you made me see there
was
a whole world beyond Bel-Air

filled with people
who take public
transportation

and don't have butlers.

I like that world.

It's like a drug, Will

and you got me hooked!

Well, you better go cold turkey
before you wind up a dead duck.

- Will.
- Ashley, no.

Now, I'm sorry
that you got yourself

into this little predicament.

But trying to blame it on me,
now, that's just low.

You're right.
I can't believe I said that.

You've always been so good
to me.

I'm just so desperate.

[sobbing]
I'm a terrible, terrible person.

[sobbing]

No. No, no.

Look, don't cry, Ashley.
Come on. Come on, alright.

Well, we'll-we'll figure
a way out of this, alright?

Thanks, Will. You're a
saint.

Wait! What was that?

- What?
- You smiled.

I saw your reflection
in the window.

Oh, no.
That was a happy smile. See?

I don't believe I fell
for them crocodile tears.

Girl, you on your own.

Alright, fine!

Be that way!

But if I go down,
I'm taking you with me!

[door shuts]

Ashley.

I ain't do nothing!

Do you wanna call your parents
and see what happened?

No. Maybe we should
reschedule again.

Ashley, is there something
you wanna tell me?

Ms. Sharpe..

...the truth is--

Ashley..

There's my little bran muffin.

Oh. Is this your father?

Sure.

Ms. Sharpe, this is, uh, daddy.

Mm.

How can something so smooth
be called sharp?

Yes. Well, nice to finally
meet you, Mr. Banks.

Raul, please.

Raul.

Oh, and welcome back
from the Orient.

[speaking in foreign language]

God bless you, Ms. Sharpe.

It is Ms. Sharpe, isn't it?

- Yes, it is.
- Mm.

You're a fine teacher,
Ms. Sharpe.

Hey, I bet you could teach me
a thing or two..

[groans]

...on the, on the academic side,
I mean.

Well, will Mrs. Banks
be joining us?

Uh, no, I'm single.

I mean, um,
Ashley's mother ran out on us.

Ashley was but a mere tyke
at the time.

I had to be both
mommy and daddy.

We went from training wheels
to training bras.

They both came off too soon,
didn't they kitten?

[laughs]

Well, anyway,
about Ashley's schoolwork.

You should be very proud of her.
She does excellent work.

She participates actively
in class

and she's just a pleasure
to have around.

You know,
that runs in the family.

Yes. Well. Ahem.

- Do you have any questions?
- No. Not a one.

Well, thank you
for your time, Ms. Sharpe.

Uh, what do you say
we have the next

parent-teacher meeting
at my place?

- Huh?
- Uh, well, I don't--

Thanks for being
so understanding, Ms.
Sharpe.

Come on, daddy.
It's time for your pill.

[sighs]
It's a miracle
this whole thing worked.

What you talking about,
girl?

Denzel ain't the only
brother

that can act.

Well, at least
this buys me some time

before I have to break the news
to daddy.

Well, I have to get
my history books.

You stay right here, Raul.

I made that up.

Mr. Banks,
did you forget something?

Uh, you know,
I'm glad you asked.

I, uh, forgot to give you

the number to my direct
line.

Ah, look,
I'm very flattered, but--

You know..

...that is an absolutely
intoxicating fragrance

that you're wearing.

Uh.. Come closer.

Hey.

That's a fake mustache.

No, it's not.

[gasps]
Yes, it is!

No, it's not!

Look, I don't know who you
are

but I'm calling
your real parents right now.

Will?

No, it's not!

Ms. Sharpe.

It's not!

You just had to go back.

We were out the door, Will.
We were free. Free!

Look, ease up, Ms. Tubman.

You know,
Ms. Sharpe gave us the weekend

to break it to Uncle Phil.

Now, let's go over
this evil-twin story again.

Philip, I'm sure the mayor's
mother meant it as a compliment.

Oh, really?

Then I should be honored
that she thinks

I look like
a black Alfred Hitchcock.

Hi, kids.

[imitating Hitchcock]
Good evening.

Wow!

[yawns]
Goodnight.

Ashley. Ashley.

[inaudible]

[sighs]
Okay.

Mom, dad, it's like this.

Will has something
he wants to tell you.

I ain't got nothing.

Um, Your Honor, uh..

Now, before you deliver
your verdict

the defense dictates
that you sustain

the motion of the ocean..

...because most parents
want the truth

but they can't handle the truth!

So in conclusion

I move for a change of venue.

What do you say you give us
a half-hour head-start?

What the hell
are you talking about?

Daddy, I withdrew from
Bel-Air Academy six weeks ago

and transferred to Morris High.

You what?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

Oh. And you thought
he was gonna be mad.

Oh, well, you transferred out,
you'll transfer back.

Tomorrow when I wake up

Ashley will be back
in Bel-Air Academy

and maybe
Will won't even be here.

Daddy, I'm not going back.

Now I'm mad.

You knew about this, didn't you?

No. Will didn't do
anything wrong.

Uh, that's right,
you tell him, Ashley.

If anything,
I should thank Will.

He's the whole reason
I transferred.

Whoa, whoa.

Pull it back, baby.
Pull it back.

Like I'm doing. Pull it back.

Daddy, Will made me realize
how limited my life has been.

I wanna be with real people
with real concerns.

Oh, and people in Bel-Air
don't have real concerns?

- It's pronounced Porsche.
- Porsche!

- Porsche!
- Porsche!

- Ashley, honey, you lied to us.
- I knew you'd say no.

But, honey, we just want you

to have
the best education possible.

Mom, Bel-Air Academy
doesn't equal better.

You and dad
both went to public schools.

Whoa, good point, Ash.

Can't we at least discuss this?

I believe we just did.

- San Tropez!
- San Tropez!

Will, I took your advice
and reached out

to our brothers and sisters.

Look at this.

[audience applauding on TV]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to "Hilary."

As an African-American woman

I'd like to dedicate this show
to all my sisters.

Presenting fashions
from the motherland.

[instrumental music]

Inga is wearing a hand-woven
dashiki from Nairobi.

Her jewelry
is from the Ivory Coast

and her weave is from
Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

Work it,
you Nubian princess, you.

Our next model is Buffie..

Um, Hil, I just,
I-I, I really wanna commend

your attempt to reach out
to your African-American viewers

but, uh, you forgot one thing.

- What?
- African-Americans!

Oh.

Carlton, she went
to private school, didn't
she?

Touche.

But there's a bigger issue here.
People talk.

I mean, what if an admissions
officer at Princeton found out

my sister was going
to public school?

I mean, my God!

(Ashley)
Daddy, I'd like you
to meet someone.

This is Ms. Sharpe. She's my
homeroom teacher at Morris High.

Ms. Sharpe, this is my
father.

- The real one.
- Thanks, Ashley.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Same here.

- Why don't you have a seat?
- Thank you.

I thought if we met,
I could allay

any concerns you might have.

Yes, well, Ms. Sharpe, you, uh

you, uh, made quite
an impression upon my daughter.

But, with all due respect,
I am thoroughly satisfied

with the education that Ashley
is receiving at Bel-Air Academy.

Well, perhaps you're not aware
of Morris High's

academic achievements.

Ms. Sharpe,
I don't doubt that Morris High

is a fine institution, but
I've already made my decision.

I'm sorry to hear that.

One of the things I've
admired
about Ashley is her open
mind.

Well, well,
she gets that from her mother.

Uncle Phil, the phone.. Ooh.

Ooh, hey, listen, man.
I can explain everything.

Look, I-I was dizzy,
and then I came.. I was..

Uh, you must be Will.

I'm Ms. Sharpe.

Oh, uh, nice to meet you
for the first time ever in life.

Hey, you know, Uncle Phil,
uh, that's the first time

I ever met her in life.

Mr. Banks, we were profiled
here in "Education Today."

Maybe if you read it,
you'll reconsider.

- Oh.
- Yeah. Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry you had to drive all
the way out here for nothing.

- Yeah. Bye.
- Bye.

Nice to meet you
for the first time ever in life.

Whoo. She really something,
huh, Uncle Phil?

Hard to say no to her.

Not if you're a parent. Ahem.

Hey, come on, Uncle Phil,
why don't you be reasonable?

Uh, when's the last time
a teacher

from Bel-Air Academy
came to the house?

Look, the girl went and changed
schools behind my back.

Now, in this house, that
constitutes a capital crime.

But she had a good reason,
Uncle Phil.

Look, my wife's nephew.

I want Ashley in Bel-Air Academy

where there's a controlled
environment. I know who's there.

But, more importantly,
I know who's not.

Listen, Uncle Phil,
I'm telling you, man, listen

I went to both public
and private schools

and I'm saying in public school

it's more different
kinds of people, you know?

In Bel-Air Academy everybody
cut from the same mold.

Hey, if you ask me,
you acting like a..

...snob.

I'mma just go.

And a one and a..
Hell with that.

(man on TV)
'The forecast for the..'

Philip, honey, look at this.

"Morris High School
is ranked fourth

in the country
among magnet schools."

"Magnet schools?" Maybe
that's
why they need metal
detectors.

Huh? Ha-ha-ha!

This is important to
our daughter. Don't make jokes.

Vivian, we've made our decision.

"We?" No,
you've made a decision.

I'm a college professor.
You didn't even ask my opinion.

Didn't I? I'm sure I did.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, honey.
What do you think?

[sighs]
I think
we should at least consider it.

You know, sometimes
I think we work so hard

to give our kids
what we didn't have

sometimes we forget to give them
what we did have.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]
Good morning, Will.

(Will)
'Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.'

- Good morning, Ashley.
- Good morning.

- What are you eating?
- Food.

What are you doing?

Cutting the tension.

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, Hil.

So what's today's black topic?

Amish rap stars?

I'm through chasing
one specific demographic.

Thanks to my leopard-skin,
midriff top

I hit an all-time high
with male viewers.

I got more men yesterday
than Sally Jesse Raphael

gets in a year.

How hard could that be?

- Where are you going?
- School.

Since when do you wear a uniform
to public school?

- What are you talking about?
- Well..

Your mother and I
had a long talk last night.

And I called Ms. Sharpe

and I made an appointment
to check it out.

Now, if-if I'm satisfied
with what I see

you can give it a shot
for a semester.

- Oh, daddy, thank you.
- Come on.

Now, we're gonna be late.
Just go change your clothes.

- Okay.
- Oh, Uncle Phil, thank you!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

[instrumental music]