The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 6 - Will's Misery - full transcript

- This piece is exquisite.
- Mm, it certainly is.

And you can sense
the artist's pain

and yet, yet it's
a celebration of life.

Yo! A swap meet.

This is Mr. Culture.

Ah, what you talking about,
Uncle Phil?

I got the, uh, capacity
for paintings, man.

You know, I can sense
what the artist is sayin'.

- Mm?
- Oh, like this one.

What a brother got to do
to get some fries?

See, and here



I can sense
the juxtaposition of
metaphors

interspersed with
the three-second violation.

You're a jackass.

[buzzing]

What, what is that noise?

Uh, Geoffrey's using
my electric shoe buffer.

Do you mean that old thing

with all the frayed wires
and all that?

Hey, now that's
a one-of-a-kind original.

They don't make 'em
like that anymore.

[cracking]

[rumbling]

I call this one
"Workmen's Compensation."

[theme song]



♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when
it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as
the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

Ah, autumn, my favorite time
of the year.

The leaves are fallin'
and the hotties are pledgin'.

Here I go, girl.

Baby, if I told you
you had a beautiful body

would you hold it against me?

Get it?
That's a doubleentendre.

Savez-vous?

Savez-vous?

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, Grey Poupon to you too,
girl.

Hey, listen, baby,
what do you say we go, uh

have some dinner tonight?

You know, escargots
and all that.

I don't think
that'll be a good idea.

I'm pledging Kappa and we
sisters have to stick together.

That's right.

Your lines won't work
with us, mister.

Lines? What are y'all talking
about? These aren't lines.

You know what? A woman cannot
take it when a man is honest.

Look, when I take a woman out,
I'm 100 percent gentleman.

Look, I'm opening car doors,
I'm paying for dinners.

- Car doors, paying for dinners.
- I'm paying for dinners.

(all)
And I treat a woman like
a king treats a queen.

Y'all remembered those, huh?

Ladies, say goodbye to Will
in his native tongue.

[all barking]

[barks]

[barks]

I don't believe you.

You're so desperate to get over

that you gonna go out
on your own blood.

I'm not trying to get over
on anybody, Will.

Your problem is that you
can't
understand or respect women

because you're not in touch
with your feminine side.

And you know what
your problem is, C?

You're not in touch
withanybody'sfeminine side.

[instrumental music]

Daddy, today I bought something
for someone I really love.

And I hope you enjoy it,
sweetheart.

Daddy, it's for you.

Well, what do you think?

It's-it's a-a blue.

I bought it next door
at the new country club.

It's a Marachi,
handmade in Milan.

Don't you love it?
Try it on.

Well...my, uh, first Marachi.

Okay.

Well, I just think
that sweater looks gorgeous.

In fact, I'm gonna buy you
a matching hat.

Uh, oh, sweetheart..

Tell me, sir, do I wash that
or take a weed whacker to it?

(Carlton)
So, what are you talkin' about?

(Will)
What is..?

Carlton, quick, get a bat,
let's bust this pinata.

Don't worry about it, dad,
he got his earlier.

Today, this entire group of
girls made a fool out of
Will.

Not one of them would fall
for his lines.

Master William, it's for you.
A Lisa Wilkes.

Okay, one.

Carlton, man, can I help it

if I say the things
that women wanna hear?

What's up, Chumpy?

It's confidence, son.

Women love a confident man.

Take me for instance.

Why, back in the day..

[laughs]

...I'd slip on the old dashiki.

Puff up the old fro.

Find a foxy mama

say, "Hey, baby,
let's get it on."

And they bought that?

Actually, your mother
was the only one.

[police siren wailing
at distance]

Hey, Helen,
they was out of Goobers

so I got us this
large thing of popcorn.

[screaming]

Get out!

What you doin', Barney?

Yo, man, where Helen at?

She's probably at
the chiropractor.

Helen!

Helen.

Oh, Will,
don't let that spoil anything

because this has been
the greatest night.

Well, if you like this one,
wait till you see the
sequel.

You are a dog.

[barks]

The only problem is
I really wanna be a Kappa

and if they see me with you,
they won't let me in.

Uh, don't even worry about that,
baby, I'll wear a disguise.

I'll go Michael Jackson
style.

You don't need to go that far.

I'm house-sitting
a friend's cabin this weekend

and I wouldn't mind
a little company.

Little company?

I'm more like the Fortune
500,
you know?

AT&T.

Reach out and touch a
brother
if you got your bill paid.

Will, where-where are you going?

- Oh, to the cabin.
- That's tomorrow.

Oh, cool.

Well, uh, l-let's get back
to the movie.

[instrumental music]

I was so lucky I found this hat.

It was the last extra
extra extra large.

Well, gee, the gods must be
smiling on me.

And I'd guess
there's some laughing

and pointing going on too.

Oh, honey, I think it's cute.

Really?

I'm going to the pro shop
to buy you

a matching outfit right now.

Well, honey,
I-I-I quit playing golf.

[clatters]

Look at this.

You could at least yell "Fore!"

I'll take care of it,
Miss Ashley.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

You know, when they
redesigned
this golf course

I thought it might raise
our property values.

But it's just making it
dangerous for us to be out here.

Sir, perhaps you could
get them to erect a..

...a fence.

Geoffrey.

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Each moment with you.. ♪♪

Will, you're so romantic

I don't know why you have
such a horrible reputation.

Yeah, you know,
I'm really just misunderstood.

You spend a little time
with me, you'll see

I'm-I'm actually pretty cool.

[screaming]

[groans]

Now, where were we?

[chuckles nervously]

Why don't we just dance?

♪ With a smile ♪

♪ Take time ♪

Oh, I just
love these romantic songs.

Baby, this song is not even
good enough for you.

I could write you
the best love songever.

Okay.

♪ Together.. ♪

Let's hear it.

Oh, well, you see, um..

I'm not really that good
at thinkin' on my feet.

Not yet.

How about we play
a little game first?

- Oh, cool.
- Here, have a seat.

Oh, what kind of game?

We're gonna play
Cops and Robbers.

♪ Oh now girl now ♪

♪ Make it more better now ♪

I'm gonna be the cop..

...and you're gonna be
the nasty old robber.

Just call me public
enemy number one, one, one.

So how do you like
the game so far?

Hey, beat the hell out of
playing Stratego with Carlton.

Ow!

That's kinda tight.

Oh, I mean, uh,
I know my rights.

I think I'm entitled
to one frisk.

Shut up!

Arrugh!

I thought you were good

but you're not good.

You've caused so much pain
to so many women.

You're just a dirty dog.

And now it's payback time.

Baby, you're kinda
killin' the mood.

Ow!

What are you, a psycho?

You don't know how tired I am
of hearing that.

Arrugh!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- 'Hey, hey, Nicky, it's Will.'

Oh, hi, Will.

Nicky, I need some help.

I need you to get a grown-up.

(Nicky on phone)
'Carlton!'

N-N-Nicky, I said a grown-up.

Carlton Banks here.

(Will on phone)
'Carlton, it's Will.'

I'm up at the cabin Lake
Arrowhead with that girl Lisa.

Listen, she got me tied
to a chair, man.

Oh, stop bragging,
you sick pervert.

- Who's a pervert?
- Oh, I'm just teasing Will.

See, some sorority girls
are playin'

a trick on him up in some cabin.

What kind of trick?

They're going to terrorize
and torture him.

Oh, don't worry,
it's all in good fun.

Oh.

So Mr. Dirty Dog is trying
to make a phone call, is he?

So you mean to tell me for five
extra dollars I could get HBO?

[clatters]

Okay, basic cable is cool.

I hope you don't mind if I
freshen up a little bit for you.

What you doin'?

I just wanna look
pretty for you.

And-and you do. You do.

You-you know, I saw a great
dress to go with that lipstick.

You did?

Yeah, and-and you know what,
i-if you untie me

we could drive down to the store
and get it before it closes.

Do I look like a fool to
you?

No, not a fool.

(Will)
'Hey, wait, wait,
where you going?'

To get the dress.

Oh, Lord.

Ooh.

Ooh! Hot. Ooh! Hot, hot.

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

- What did you just do?
- This.

Think we can get away with this?

I can't believe you two.

- Mustard is not the answer.
- No, she's right.

Get the soy sauce.

(Kareem)
Fore!

[glass shatters]

- Wow, it's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- How you doin'?

- Thank you.
- Pleased to meet you.

- Hey, how are you?
- That will be $140.

Jeez, I'm so sorry, you know

putting is the worst part
of my game.

Hey, nice sweaters.

Oh, uh, Marachi.

Uh, our daughter
bought them for us.

She's got great taste.

Hey, Mr. Kareem, they're waiting
for you on the tee.

- Got to run, ciao.
- Bye.

Ciao.

You know, honey

the color of this sweater
does compliment your eyes.

Well, it is comfy.

Let's go get the stains out.

These are my role models.

[instrumental music]

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

How you doing there,
Little Miss Mood Swing?

Give me the keys to the car.

Oh, now I'm never gonna get in.

You need to be worried
about gettin' out.

Them rubber rooms
ain't got no windows.

Will, I am not crazy, okay?

This whole thing was
a sorority prank.

They wanted me
to teach you a lesson.

In what, bladder control?

No.Respect for women.

Ugh! I cannot believe
you sorority girls

could be so devious.

It was actually
your cousin Carlton's idea.

Oh, yeah?

You know what, I'mma pop
that little zit when I get home.

You give me the car keys.

Thank you.

[crying]

- What you cryin' about?
- You don't care.

You're damn right I don't care,
you damn near fricasseed me.

Oh.

[crying]

But seriously, though,
what you cryin' about?

Will, the only reason I did this
is because I wanna be a Kappa.

So I-I guess that if I don't
go through with this thing

then you can kiss
your pledge pin goodbye.

Oh, well.

[laughs]

(Lisa)
'I deserve that.'

Will, I-I just want
you to know that..

...this is the best date
that I've had in a long time.

I, I mean,
b-before I tied you up.

Like I'm supposed
to believe that.

[scoffs]

For real?

(Will)
You're right, I'm so sorry.

I'm a dog.

I'm the fresh prince
of the pound.

The doggiest of all dogs.

Unbelievable.
Will Smith apologizing.

My sisters,
welcome the newest member

of Kappa Phi Gamma, Lisa Wilkes.

Alright, Lisa.

[all cheering]

Hey, wait, wait, wait,
whoa-whoa, hold up.

What-what, y'all-y'all
just gonna leave me

hangin' up here like
a piece of Rotisserie Gold, huh?

[barks]

[instrumental music]

What's wrong, Will?
Rough weekend?

Carlton...man, listen,
my date with Lisa

didn't quite turn out
the way I planned.

Pray tell, why not?

Carlton, we got up there,
the girl went crazy, man.

She tied me to this chair, and
she was tryin' to torture me.

No.

But I got loose, man.

Then she really went off.

So I grabbed this rock, man..

[sobbing]

...and I..

Oh, my God,
she's still up there.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Oh, Lisa!

Gotcha!

[laughs]

No! No!

Tell me you didn't. Oh, God!

No, no, no.

Will, no. Oh, my God, no!

Oh, no.

How could you do this to me?

Oh, no.

Oh, my..

Oh, God. Oh, God.

No.

No.

Oh, God, how could he do
that?

How could he do that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

[instrumental music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪