The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 22 - To Thine Own Self Be Blue... and Gold - full transcript

Wait. Sorry.

Carlton, the customers
are complainin'.

There ain't no bacon
in the BLTs.

Oh, where's the law that says
the B has to stand for bacon?

Read the damn sign.

Bread, lettuce and tomato?

Well, we had to cut back
somewhere.

Last month our outlay
exceeded our revenues

but I don't expect you
to understand that.

Hmm. Excuse me.
Can I ask you a question?

Excuse me, Carlton,
but a beautiful woman



wants to talk to me, but I don't
expect you to understand that.

How you doing?
What can I do for you?

Well, I'm doing
this crossword puzzle

and I'm kind of stuck.

What's a nine-letter word
for incredible?

Oh, that's easy.
Will Smith.

- Denise. Pleasure to meet you.
- Hey.

Of all the campus dives

on all the campuses
in all the world

why'd you have
to walk into mine?

"Casablanca,"right?

I love Humphrey Bogart.

Yeah, yeah, dude is cool, yo.

He ain't no Shaft, though,
you know.



- Damn right.
- Damn right.

Whoa! Whoa! Look at you!

You know, most women
can't appreciate

the subtle nuances
of a fine Shaft film.

Yes, well, I'm not
like most women.

You've got that right.

What are you thinking
right now?

[thinking]
You ain't wearin' no bra.

So do you like
The Pointer Sisters?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

No, no, you don't talk to me
about the Lakers.

I'm a Sixers fan all the
way.

- Oh, get the..
- Yeah!

Well, I-I should be.
I just moved here from Philly.

What? Wait, girl. You are
scaring me. I'm from Philly!

- Get the..
- Yeah!

Well, that explains
the attraction.

Wa-wa-wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Let's put it
to a little test here.

What you like,
B-ball or football?

Roundball, of course.

Oh, okay.
Convertibles or 4x4?

Nothing beats
an off-road vehicle.

Oh, okay. Here's the one
here.

Potatoes or stovetop?

- Potatoes.
- Oh, girl.

Look at you.
You are just like me.

Except, you know,
a little softer

and you smell better.

Alright, alright, alright.
Okay.

Now it's my turn
to ask you a question.

Oh, oh, oh, bring it on.
I ain't scared of you. Come on.

- You ready?
- Uh-huh.

You want to do
something tonight?

I sure do.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

I am sorry.

Uh, listen, uh

I have what you might call
a prior engagement.

Uh, uh, oh, and plus,
you-you got to finish

your crossword puzzle
and everything anyway.

Well, just one left to go.

What's a six-letter word

that comes at the end
of the rhyme

"Miss me, miss me,
now you gotta.."

- Kiss me.
- I'd love to.

[screaming]

[instrumental music]

Carlton, being attracted
to someone isn't a crime.

- Isn't that right, Will?
- Why you askin' me?

I ain't never been
never attracted to nobody

in my whole life!

Will, I wasn't
talking about you.

I'm seeing this guy,
and he's so beautiful.

He's got great eyes
and a great chest.

Oh, will you stop it?

I mean, is-is that all
you women think about

is eyes and chests and
butts?

I wasn't thinking
about his butt.

Hey, I am now.

Hey, Uncle Phil.
What's up, man?

- Look, uh, we need to talk.
- Oh, we do?

Come on, Uncle Phil. Now, look,
you know I love Lisa.

I want to be with her 24/7,
you know?

Well, I'm with you so far.

But every once in a while,
it's..

...kind of like
the Civil War.

You know, the North got
everything under control.

But every once in a while

it's the Southern uprising.

Oh! Yeah, yeah,
well, I understand.

See, but-but you have
to remember

that the North
has right on its side.

So you better be damn sure
that it wins the war.

Uncle Phil, look,
I'm trying, man

but I got the feelin'

that the South
shall rise again.

And, you know,
I-I don't even know

if-if it's fair to marry Lisa

you know, during wartime.

Oh, no, Will, look

you're always going to find
other women attractive.

It's how you handle it

that will determine
whether or not

your marriage is a success
or a failure.

Oh, wait, don't get me wrong,
Uncle Phil.

Once I say I do, I don't.

[chuckles]
Ah, if it were only that simple.

Son, observe and learn.

Now, we're walking down
Rodeo Drive.

- You be Vivian.
- Oh, okay.

[squeaking]
Oh, come on, puddin'.

Jeez, you're pushing me
all off the sidewalk.

Oh, for God's sake, Will!

Would you please be my wife?

Now...okay?

Now, we're walking.

We're walking.

Ooh!

Beautiful woman
walks right on by.

Looks just like
Diahann Carroll.

Uh, Philip!

Well, Vivian, I-I was looking
at that woman.

I mean, she's gorgeous

but she doesn't
do a thing for me.

Baby, what is it

that you have
that she doesn't, hmm?

- A mean left hook.
- Oh, come on.

Oh, I apologize.
I was just playing, Uncle Phil.

Now, you-you-you're right.
I see your point.

Ain't that the truth?

Now, see, but you don't
push your luck

because you're just a beginner.

So, if Toni Braxton walk by,
you just put on your sunglasses.

Oh, man, I don't need
none of that stuff.

I got it completely
under control.

I don't care if Toni-girl
goes galloping by

on a white horse butt-naked.
You know what I'm saying?

[imitating a horse neighing]

[chuckles]
She better be traveling fast

or I'll snatch her little
butt
down off that horse.

You know what I'm saying?

[instrumental music]

- Guess who?
- Hey!

How's it going? How you doing?
Good to see you.

[chuckles]
Hey, take those off.

I can't see those sexy eyes.

Uh, it's a rare condition,
day blindness.

You know,
they're real sensitive.

Want to go to my place
and turn off all the lights?

[chuckles]

Hey. Uh, Denise, uh..

Listen, I-I got to be
straight with you.

Um, I am really,
really flattered.

I mean, look at you.
You're beautiful.

Look at those, those
sexy dimples

and those beautiful cheeks

and then there's your face.

- What's the problem?
- Well..

I s-sort of have
this, uh, fiancee.

So, uh, who's the lucky
lady?

Uh, her name is Lisa.

But listen, I-I'm the lucky one.

I mean, she's great.

She's beautiful,
she's brilliant

and she got a 4.0 in biology.

Sounds like you
really love her?

Oh, yeah, I love her.
Of course, I do.

I have to. We're engaged.

Well, can't say
I'm not disappointed.

Look, Denise

um, believe me,
if-if this was one year ago

girl, I would be
all over you.

You know what I'm saying?

All over you, you know?

Yeah, I know,
uh, only too well.

[elevator dings]

- Hey, baby.
- I was just talkin'!

- To who?
- Uh..

To-to myself. Yeah.

You know, I-I do that sometimes.
Don't you?

Yeah, yeah, you do, you do.

I was just..

Uh, baby, I wanted
to talk to you about a shower.

Oh, I thought about that
but it probably won't help.

I meant a wedding shower.

Some of my sorority sisters
want to throw one for us

this Saturday at the Hyatt.

Excuse me, but I couldn't help
overhearing

from where I was
eavesdropping, but..

...why pay hotel prices

when you could have the party
at our house for free?

Oh. Hey, that's decent, C.

And I can get you
a great deal

on the mandatory catering.

Hey, people are talking about
our peacock pu-pu platter.

Yeah, well, people are talking
about you, too.

But that don't mean
they want you at their party.

- I make a tuna pate to die for.
- Or from.

Hey, look, hey, hey,
hold up a second there

chef-boy-are-you-short.

Okay, see you later, girl.

Excuse me, do you know

where the administration
building is?

I'm new here and the campus
is so confusing.

Oh, please.
This whole city is
confusing.

I remember when I first
moved here from Cleveland.

You're from Cleveland?

So am I.

You're kidding.

- Lisa.
- Denise.

Oh, I shall walk you right over.

- Great.
- Come on.

[comical music on TV]

Uh-oh. Look out, Yogi!

[chuckles]
Kevin, could we turn this
off a while and talk?

Okay.

Hey, you want to see
my Boo-Boo?

- Oh. Did you hurt yourself?
- No. My Boo-Boo.

Yogi, I don't think the Ranger's
going to like that.

- Are you thirsty?
- Yeah, sometimes.

No, Kevin, I..

Come on.

Will, Lisa, this is Kevin.

Oh, hey, hey!
Kev! What's up, man?

Uh, I don't know.

Hey, you're not exactly
splitting atoms, either,
okay?

Oh, baby, will you get
the brown sugar, please?

Oh, sure thing, sweetheart.

- Whoa!
- Oh! Baby!

Oh, hey, Uncle Phil.
What's up, man?

You know,
I cannot thank you enough

for the, uh,
little history lesson.

Oh, oh!
So there was a test?

Oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
and I got to admit

I peeked over
a couple of shoulders

and I liked what I saw,
but I did not cheat.

- Oh, good for you, son.
- Alright.

I thought you took
all your tests?

Oh, uh, it was an unexpected
oral exam, yeah.

But, uh, you know what,
baby?

I passed, and it's out
of my life forever.

So let's have a beautiful night.

- Aww.
- Mwah!

Ahem.

- Surprise.
- Aah!

♪ I feel good ♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, Denise, I'm so happy
you could make it.

Everyone, this is my new friend,
Denise.

- Hi.
- This is Hilary, Ashley, Kevin.

And this is Carlton.

Miss me, miss me,
now you got to..

Nice seeing you again, Denise.

And, of course, there's someone
I really want you to meet.

This is my fiance Will.
Isn't he cute?

Cute?
That's an understatement.

He's gorgeous.

Ah-ha-ha! Me? Huh?

No! Gorgeous? No, man.

I've got big ears and I got
a big, high butt, you know?

Modest, too. What a catch.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Lisa caught me.

Yeah, and I'm too big
to throw back though

ain't it, baby?

- Can I help with something?
- Oh, Denise, you're so sweet.

You can actually put those
strawberries in a bowl

and I'll help Geoffrey
put this platter up.

Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey, baby,
baby, baby, baby, I'll help him.

Oh, no, baby, stay and give
Denise a hand.

Uh, no, no, no. I should
keep my hands to myself.

Oh, come on, Will.
I don't bite.

Unless, of course,
you want me to.

Hey, girl, stop it.

My fiancee is right
in the other room.

Mmm. That's what makes it
so exciting.

Girl, you're like a black
Heather Locklear, ain't you?

[instrumental music]

Oh, what wonderful gifts.

Keep the receipts.

Oh, thank you, everybody.

Oh, Denise, thank you
so much for coming.

Uh, thanks for having me.

Listen, I hate to ask

but my ride
only dropped me off

so I'm kind of stuck.
You don't suppose..

Oh, well, I could
give you a ride home

it's just that I need to
stay
and help clean up.

- Will?
- Hey.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Shh! Nothin', Uncle Phil.

You know, it just suddenly
got a little hot in here.

Brother looking
for a little shade.

Will, Denise needs a ride home.

Uh, yeah, uh, baby. No.

Hey, well, uh,
that's okay I can walk.

It's only 11 miles.

(Will)
'Oh, wait, oh, wait.'

We ain't going to let you walk
no 11 miles.

Uh, baby,
where's Nicky's skateboard?

Al-alright. Alright.

I'll do you..
It! It! I'll do it!

Uh, I-I mean, uh,
I-I'll give you a-a ride.

Oh! No. Uh..

Come on, come on!

[instrumental music]

Well, safe as Carlton's
backseat.

Will...please.

Hey. Hey, look, we are
only four floors up.

I ain't got no problem doin' a
Wesley Snipes out this window.

Lisa's so sweet
and so trusting.

I can't believe
that I came on to you.

Yeah!

Bad Denise. Bad Denise!

You think I don't know that?

I feel like such a-a fool.

[crying]

Hey, come on, come on.
D-don't cry.

No, no! I can't help it!

I mean, wouldn't you cry

if you threw yourself
at someone

and they didn't even care?

Well, only if I missed
and hit the wall..

[indistinct chatter]

Go on. Go home, Will.

I'll be fine, really.

Okey-dokey. Cool. See you.

[crying]

Come on. Come..

I mean, hey, it's not like
anything happened, you know.

- Oh, Will!
- Hey.

Uh, hey, don't be
so hard on yourself.

No.

Uh, I mean, come on.

Besides, hey, you couldn't
help it, you know?

I mean, I am fine, you know?

You certainly are.

[muffled speech]

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, oh!

I don't believe
I fell for that!

I invented that!

Well, then, you know
what comes next.

You better stop playin'.

Oh, you-you think that,
you know

I'mma just do
whatever you want

just 'cause you got soft
milk-chocolatey skin.

What is that, satin?

Silk.

Mmm.

Doesn't that feel good?

Oh, yeah, I've all-I've always
liked silk.

No. I mean us.

I knew I could make you
forget
your fiancee.

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Ain't nobody making me
forget about my fiancee.

I love...Lucy.

- That ain't it, is it?
- It's Lisa.

Ah! That's right.
That's right. Mmm.

- Uh..
- Will, just relax.

Don't fight it.
Just do what feels right.

Okay.

Bye, Denise.

I love that girl too much.
I am not going out like that.

You mean to tell me I had
no effect on you at all?

None at all!

Um..

Uh, I think I must have
dropped my keys

when you attacked me.
Could you see..

Uh, thank you.

Pfft. Keep the car!

[instrumental music]

[exhales]
Lisa, baby. No..

Look, Lisa, somethin' happened
between me and Denise.

Baby, I swear to you that
nothing like this

will ever happen again.

Baby, you got to believe me.

I love you.
I want you to be my wife.

Wait, G, G. Hold up.

Listen, um,
I need to talk to you.

Uh, I kind of betrayed
Lisa's trust

and-and I don't know
what to do.

Might I venture
an opinion, young sir?

You and Ms. Lisa
are about to embark

on a lifelong journey
together

and you cannot hope
to remain on course

unless honesty
is your North Star.

Wow.

Yo, that's deep, G.

Now where'd you hear that?

Popeye.

Oh, dude got skills.

Hey, G, you know what?
You are right, man.

I'mma tell Lisa
from now on the truth

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.

Good luck.

[whistling]

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

What did you need to talk to me
about that was so important?

Look, Lisa..

Alright, baby, listen.

- I love you.
- Oh, Will..

Oh, yeah, like I'mma listen
to Geoffrey.

When was the last time
you seen him with a woman?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪