The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 23 - Cold Feet, Hot Body - full transcript

SORRY.

CARLTON, THE CUSTOMERS
ARE COMPLAINING.

AIN'T NO BACON
IN THE B.L.T.s.

WHAT LAW SAYS "B"
HAS TO STAND FOR BACON?

READ THE DAMN SIGN.

BREAD, LETTUCE,
AND TOMATO?

WE HAD TO CUT BACK
SOMEWHERE.

LAST MONTH OUR OUTLAY
EXCEEDED OUR REVENUES,

BUT I DON'T EXPECT YOU
TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION?



EXCUSE ME, CARLTON.
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
WANTS TO TALK TO ME,

BUT I DON'T EXPECT YOU
TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I'M DOING
THIS CROSSWORD PUZZLE,

AND I'M KIND OF STUCK.

WHAT'S A NINE-LETTER
WORD FOR INCREDIBLE?

OH, THAT'S EASY--

WILL SMITH.

DENISE.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

HEY.

OF ALL THE CAMPUS DIVES

ON ALL THE CAMPUSES
IN ALL THE WORLD,

WHY'D YOU HAVE
TO WALK INTO MINE?

CASABLANCA, RIGHT?



I LOVE
HUMPHREY BOGART.

YEAH. THE DUDE IS COOL.

HE AIN'T NO SHAFT,
THOUGH.

DAMN RIGHT.
DAMN RIGHT.

WHOA! LOOK AT YOU!

YOU KNOW, MOST WOMEN
CAN'T APPRECIATE

THE SUBTLE NUANCES
OF A FINE SHAFT FILM.

YES, WELL, I'M NOT
LIKE MOST WOMEN.

YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING
RIGHT NOW?

YOU AIN'T WEARING NO BRA.

SO DO YOU LIKE
THE POINTER SISTERS?

♪ NOW, THIS IS A STORY ♪

♪ ALL ABOUT
HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED ♪

♪ TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN ♪

♪ AND I'D LIKE
TO TAKE A MINUTE ♪

♪ JUST SIT RIGHT THERE ♪

♪ I'LL TELL YOU
HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE ♪

♪ OF A TOWN CALLED BEL-AIR ♪

♪ IN WEST PHILADELPHIA,
BORN AND RAISED ♪

♪ ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE
I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS ♪

♪ CHILLIN' OUT, MAXIN',
RELAXIN' ALL COOL ♪

♪ AND ALL SHOOTIN' SOME B-BALL
OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL ♪

♪ WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS
WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD ♪

♪ STARTED MAKIN' TROUBLE
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

♪ I GOT IN ONE
LITTLE FIGHT ♪

♪ AND MY MOM GOT SCARED ♪

♪ AND SAID YOU'RE MOVING
WITH YOUR AUNTIE ♪

♪ AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR ♪

♪ I WHISTLED FOR A CAB ♪

♪ AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR ♪

♪ THE LICENSE PLATE
SAID FRESH ♪

♪ AND IT HAD DICE
IN THE MIRROR ♪

♪ IF ANYTHING, I CAN SAY
THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE ♪

♪ BUT I THOUGHT,
NAH, FORGET IT ♪

♪ YO, HOMES, TO BEL-AIR ♪

♪ I PULLED UP TO A HOUSE
ABOUT 7 OR 8 ♪

♪ AND I YELLED
TO THE CABBY ♪

♪ YO, HOMES,
SMELL YOU LATER ♪

♪ I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM,
I WAS FINALLY THERE ♪

♪ TO SIT ON MY THRONE
AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR ♪♪

NO, YOU DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT THE LAKERS.

I'M A SIXERS FAN
ALL THE WAY .

OH, GET THE?

YEAH!

I SHOULD BE.
I MOVED HERE
FROM PHILLY.

WHAT--WAIT, GIRL.
YOU ARE SCARING ME.

I'M FROM PHILLY!

GET THE?

YEAH!

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
THE ATTRACTION.

W-W-WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET'S PUT IT
TO A LITTLE TEST HERE.

WHAT YOU LIKE,
B-BALL OR FOOTBALL?

ROUNDBALL,
OF COURSE.

OH, OKAY CONVERTIBLES
OR 4 X 4?

NOTHING BEATS
AN OFF-ROAD VEHICLE.

OH, OKAY
HERE'S THE ONE HERE.

POTATOES
OR STOVE TOP?

POTATOES.

OH, GIRL.

LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME,

EXCEPT, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE SOFTER,

AND YOU
SMELL BETTER.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.

NOW IT'S MY TURN
TO ASK YOU QUESTION.

BRING IT ON.
I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU.

READY?

YOU WANT TO DO
SOMETHING TONIGHT?

I SURE DO.

OH! WHOA! WHOA! OH!

OOH! OOH!

I AM SORRY.

UH, LISTEN, UH,

I HAVE
WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL
A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.

UH, UH,

PLUS YOU
GOT TO FINISH

YOUR CROSSWORD
PUZZLE ANYWAY.

WELL, JUST ONE
LEFT TO GO.

WHAT'S A SIX-LETTER WORD

THAT COMES AT
THE END OF THE RHYME

"MISS ME, MISS ME,
NOW YOU GOTTA--"

KISS ME.

I'D LOVE TO.

AAH!

CARLTON, BEING ATTRACTED
TO SOMEONE ISN'T A CRIME.

RIGHT, WILL?

WHY YOU ASKING ME?

I AIN'T NEVER
BEEN ATTRACTED TO NOBODY

IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

WILL, I WASN'T
TALKING ABOUT YOU.

I'M SEEING THIS GUY,
AND HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

HE'S GOT GREAT EYES
AND A GREAT CHEST.

WILL YOU STOP IT?

IS THAT ALL YOU WOMEN
THINK ABOUT

IS EYES AND CHESTS
AND BUTTS?

I WASN'T THINKING
ABOUT HIS BUTT.

HEY, I AM NOW.

HEY, UNCLE PHIL.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?

WE NEED TO TALK.

OH, WE DO?

COME ON, UNCLE PHIL.

YOU KNOW I LOVE LISA.

I WANT TO BE WITH HER
24/7.

I'M WITH YOU SO FAR.

BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
IT'S...

KIND OF LIKE
THE CIVIL WAR.

YOU KNOW, THE NORTH
GOT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL,

BUT EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE,

IT'S THE SOUTHERN
UPRISING.

OH. UH, YEAH, WELL,
I UNDERSTAND, SEE?

BUT YOU
HAVE TO REMEMBER

THAT THE NORTH HAS
RIGHT ON ITS SIDE.

SO YOU BETTER
BE DAMN SURE
IT WINS THE WAR.

UNCLE PHIL,
I'M TRYING, MAN,

BUT I GOT THE FEELING

THAT THE SOUTH
SHALL RISE AGAIN.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW

IF IT'S FAIR
TO MARRY LISA,

YOU KNOW,
DURING WARTIME.

OH...

WILL, LOOK,

YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND
OTHER WOMEN ATTRACTIVE.

IT'S HOW YOU HANDLE IT

THAT WILL DETERMINE
WHETHER OR NOT

YOUR MARRIAGE IS
A SUCCESS OR A FAILURE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,
UNCLE PHIL.

ONCE I SAY I DO,
I DON'T.

IF IT WERE
ONLY THAT SIMPLE.

SON,
OBSERVE AND LEARN.

NOW, WE'RE WALKING
DOWN RODEO DRIVE.

YOU BE VIVIAN.

OH, OKAY.

OH, COME ON, PUDDIN'.

JEEZ, YOU'RE PUSHING ME
ALL OFF THE SIDEWALK.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
WILL!

WOULD YOU PLEASE
BE MY WIFE?

NOW...

OKAY?

NOW, WE'RE WALKING.

WE'RE WALKING...

OOH...

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
WALKS RIGHT ON BY.

LOOKS JUST LIKE
DIAHANN CARROLL.

PHILIP!

WELL, VIVIAN, I--I WAS
LOOKING AT THAT WOMAN.

I MEAN, SHE'S GORGEOUS,

BUT SHE DOESN'T
DO A THING FOR ME.

BABY, WHAT IS IT

THAT YOU HAVE
THAT SHE DOESN'T?

A MEAN LEFT HOOK.

OH, COME ON.

I APOLOGIZE.
JUST PLAYING,
UNCLE PHIL.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SEE YOUR POINT.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

BUT YOU DON'T
PUSH YOUR LUCK

BECAUSE
YOU'RE JUST A BEGINNER.

TONI BRAXTON WALK BY,
PUT ON YOUR SUNGLASSES.

MAN, I DON'T NEED
NONE OF THAT STUFF.

I GOT IT
UNDER CONTROL.

I DON'T CARE
IF TONI-GIRL

GOES GALLOPING BY
ON A WHITE HORSE

BUTT-NAKED.

SHE BETTER BE
TRAVELING FAST,

OR I'LL
SNATCH HER BUTT
OFF THAT HORSE.

GUESS WHO.

HEY!

HOW'S IT GOING?
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, TAKE THOSE OFF.

I CAN'T SEE
THOSE SEXY EYES.

UH, IT'S
A RARE CONDITION--

DAY BLINDNESS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
REAL SENSITIVE.

WANT TO GO TO MY PLACE

AND TURN OFF
ALL THE LIGHTS?

HEY.

UH, DENISE, UH...

I GOT TO BE
STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

UM, I AM REALLY,
REALLY FLATTERED.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK AT
THOSE SEXY DIMPLES

AND THOSE
BEAUTIFUL CHEEKS,

AND THEN
THERE'S YOUR FACE.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL...

I S-SORT OF HAVE
THIS, UH, FIANCéE.

SO...

WHO'S
THE LUCKY LADY?

HER NAME IS LISA,

BUT LISTEN,
I'M THE LUCKY ONE.

I MEAN, SHE'S GREAT.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
SHE'S BRILLIANT.

SHE GOT A 4.0
IN BIOLOGY.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU
REALLY LOVE HER.

OH, YEAH. I LOVE HER.

I HAVE TO.
WE'RE ENGAGED.

WELL, CAN'T SAY
I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED.

LOOK, DENISE,

BELIEVE ME, IF THIS
WAS ONE YEAR AGO,

GIRL, I WOULD BE
ALL OVER YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

ALL OVER YOU, YOU KNOW?

YEAH. I KNOW,

UH, ONLY TOO WELL.

HEY, BABY.

I WAS JUST TALKING!

TO WHO?

UH...

TO--TO MYSELF.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
I DO THAT SOMETIMES.

DON'T YOU?

YEAH, YEAH,
YOU DO, YOU DO.

I WAS JUST...

BABY, I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT A SHOWER.

OH, I THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT,

BUT IT PROBABLY
WON'T HELP.

I MEANT
A WEDDING SHOWER.

MY SORORITY SISTERS
WANT TO THROW US ONE

THIS SATURDAY
AT THE HYATT.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I
COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING

FROM WHERE I WAS
EAVESDROPPING, BUT...

WHY PAY HOTEL PRICES

WHEN YOU COULD HAVE
OUR HOUSE FOR FREE?

OH. HEY,
THAT'S DECENT, C.

AND I CAN GET YOU
A GREAT DEAL

ON THE MANDATORY CATERING.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT
OUR PEACOCK PU-PU PLATTER.

WELL, PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT YOU, TOO.

BUT THEY DON'T WANT
YOU AT THEIR PARTY.

I MAKE A TUNA PATé
TO DIE FOR.

OR FROM.

LOOK, HOLD UP A SECOND,

CHEF BOY-ARE-YOU-SHORT.

SEE YOU LATER, BABE.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU KNOW

WHERE THE ADMINISTRATION
BUILDING IS?

I'M NEW HERE, AND THE CAMPUS
IS SO CONFUSING.

PLEASE. THIS WHOLE
CITY IS CONFUSING.

WHEN I MOVED HERE
FROM CLEVELAND--

YOU'RE FROM CLEVELAND?

SO AM I.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

LISA.

DENISE.

I'LL WALK YOU
RIGHT OVER.

GREAT.

[BOING]

UH-OH. LOOK OUT, YOGI!

KEVIN, COULD WE
TURN THIS OFF A WHILE

AND TALK?

OKAY.

HEY, YOU WANT
TO SEE MY BOO-BOO?

OH. DID YOU
HURT YOURSELF?

NO. MY BOO-BOO.

YOGI, I DON'T THINK
THE RANGER'S GOING
TO LIKE THAT.

ARE YOU THIRSTY?

YEAH, SOMETIMES.

NO, KEVIN, UM--

COME ON.

WILL, LISA,
THIS IS KEVIN.

HEY, KEV!
WHAT'S UP, MAN?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
SPLITTING ATOMS,
EITHER, OKAY?

BABY, WILL YOU GET
THE BROWN SUGAR, PLEASE?

OH, SURE THING,
SWEETHEART.

WHOA!

OH! BABY!

OH, HEY, UNCLE PHIL.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH

FOR THE, UH,
LITTLE HISTORY LESSON.

OH, OH.
SO THERE WAS A TEST.

OH, YEAH.
I GOT TO ADMIT,

I PEEKED OVER
A COUPLE OF SHOULDERS,

AND I LIKED WHAT I SAW,
BUT I DID NOT CHEAT.

OH, GOOD FOR YOU,
SON.

ALRIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU TOOK
ALL YOUR TESTS.

OH. UH, IT WAS
AN UNEXPECTED ORAL EXAM,

BUT, UH,
YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

I PASSED,
AND IT'S OUT OF MY LIFE,

SO LET'S HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

AHEM.

SURPRISE.

AAH!

♪ I FEEL GOOD ♪♪

OH, DENISE,
I'M HAPPY
YOU COULD MAKE IT.

EVERYONE, THIS IS
MY NEW FRIEND, DENISE.

THIS IS HILARY,
ASHLEY, KEVIN,

AND THIS IS CARLTON.

MISS ME, MISS ME,
NOW YOU GOT TO--

NICE SEEING YOU
AGAIN, DENISE.

THERE'S SOMEONE I REALLY
WANT YOU TO MEET.

THIS IS MY FIANCé WILL.
ISN'T HE CUTE?

CUTE? THAT'S
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

HE'S GORGEOUS.

AH HA HA! ME?

NAH!

GORGEOUS? NO, MAN.

I GOT BIG EARS
AND A BIG HIGH BUTT,
YOU KNOW?

MODEST, TOO.
WHAT A CATCH.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LISA CAUGHT ME.

AND I'M TOO BIG
TO THROW BACK,

AIN'T I, BABY?

CAN I HELP
WITH SOMETHING?

OH, DENISE,
YOU'RE SO SWEET.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY PUT THOSE
STRAWBERRIES IN A BOWL,

AND I'LL HELP GEOFFREY
PUT THIS PLATTER UP.

HEY, BABY,
I'LL HELP HIM.

STAY AND GIVE DENISE
A HAND.

NO, NO, NO. I SHOULD
KEEP MY HANDS TO MYSELF.

OH, COME ON, WILL.
I DON'T BITE.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU WANT ME TO.

HEY. GIRL, STOP IT.

MY FIANC E IS RIGHT
IN THE OTHER ROOM.

MMM. THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
SO EXCITING.

GIRL, YOU'RE LIKE A BLACK
HEATHER LOCKLEAR, AIN'T YOU?

OH, WHAT WONDERFUL GIFTS.

KEEP THE RECEIPTS.

OH, THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

OH, DENISE, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

LISTEN, I HATE TO ASK,

BUT MY RIDE
ONLY DROPPED ME OFF,

SO I'M KIND OF STUCK.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE--

I'D GIVE YOU A RIDE,

ONLY I HAVE TO CLEAN UP.

WILL.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

SHH!
NOTHING, UNCLE PHIL.

IT JUST SUDDENLY
GOT HOT IN HERE.

BROTHER LOOKING
FOR A LITTLE SHADE.

WILL,

DENISE NEEDS
A RIDE HOME.

UH, YEAH, UH, BABY.
NO.

HEY, WELL, UH,
THAT'S OKAY I CAN WALK.

IT'S ONLY 11 MILES.

WAIT, WAIT.

WE AIN'T GOING TO LET YOU
WALK 11 MILES.

BABY, WHERE'S NICKY'S
SKATEBOARD?

ALL--ALRIGHT.
ALRIGHT.

I'LL DO YOU--IT! IT!
I'LL DO IT!

I--I MEAN, UH...

I'LL GIVE YOU
A--A RIDE.

OH! NO. UH...

COME ON!

WELL, SAFE
AS CARLTON'S BACKSEAT.

WILL.

PLEASE.

[CLICK]

HEY. HEY, WE ARE
ONLY FOUR FLOORS UP.

I AIN'T GOT
NO PROBLEM

DOING
A WESLEY SNIPES
OUT THIS WINDOW.

LISA'S SO SWEET
AND SO TRUSTING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT I CAME ON TO YOU.

YEAH.

BAD DENISE.
BAD DENISE.

YOU THINK
I DON'T KNOW THAT?

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A--
A FOOL.

HEY, COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, D-DON'T CRY.

NO, NO! I CAN'T HELP IT!

I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU CRY

IF YOU THREW YOURSELF
AT SOMEONE

AND THEY
DIDN'T EVEN CARE?

WELL,
ONLY IF I MISSED

AND HIT THE WALL,
YOU KNOW.

IF I, UH, MISSED...

GO ON. GO HOME, WILL.

I'LL BE FINE, REALLY.

OKEY-DOKEY.
COOL. SEE YOU.

OHH!

COME ON. COME--

HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE
ANYTHING HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW.

OH, WILL!

HEY.

UH...

HEY, DON'T BE
SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

NO.

I MEAN, COME ON.

BESIDES, HEY, YOU COULDN'T
HELP IT, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I AM FINE,
YOU KNOW?

YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

OH, WAIT!

UH, OH, HEY, GIRL.

G-GET OFF. GET--UH,

GET OFF!

OH HO HO HO HA HA HO!

I DON'T BELIEVE
I FELL FOR THAT!

I INVENTED THAT!

WELL, THEN, YOU KNOW
WHAT COMES NEXT.

YOU BETTER STOP PLAYING.

OH...

YOU--YOU THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW,

I'M GOING TO JUST DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT

JUST 'CAUSE YOU GOT SOFT...
MILK-CHOCOLATEY SKIN.

WHAT IS THAT, SATIN?

SILK.

MMM...

NOW...

DOESN'T THAT
FEEL GOOD?

OH, YEAH, I'VE AL--
I'VE ALWAYS LIKED SILK.

NO. I MEAN US.

I KNEW I COULD
MAKE YOU FORGET
YOUR FIANCEE.

OH, HEY, WHOA, WHOA,
WAIT A MINUTE.

AIN'T NOBODY MAKING ME
FORGET ABOUT MY FIANCEE.

I LOVE...LUCY.

THAT AIN'T IT, IS IT?

IT'S LISA.

AH. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.

UH...

WILL, JUST RELAX.

DON'T FIGHT IT.

JUST DO
WHAT FEELS RIGHT.

OKAY.

BYE, DENISE.

I LOVE THAT GIRL TOO MUCH.

I'M NOT
GOING OUT LIKE THAT.

YOU MEAN I HAD NO EFFECT
ON YOU AT ALL?

NONE AT ALL.

UM...

UH, I THINK I MUST HAVE DROPPED
MY KEYS

WHEN YOU ATTACKED ME.
COULD YOU SEE...?

THANK YOU.

KEEP THE CAR.

LISA, BABY...

LOOK, LISA, SOMETHING HAPPENED
BETWEEN ME AND DENISE...

BABY, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT
NOTHING LIKE THIS

WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

BABY, YOU GOT TO
BELIEVE ME.

I LOVE YOU.
I WANT YOU TO BE MY WIFE.

WAIT, G, G.
HOLD UP.

LISTEN, UM...

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I KIND OF BETRAYED
LISA'S TRUST,

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

MIGHT I VENTURE
AN OPINION, YOUNG SIR?

YOU AND MISS LISA
ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK

ON A LIFELONG JOURNEY
TOGETHER,

AND YOU CANNOT HOPE
TO REMAIN ON COURSE

UNLESS HONESTY
IS YOUR NORTH STAR.

WOW.

YO, THAT'S DEEP, G.

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

POPEYE.

OH, DUDE GOT SKILLS.

HEY, G, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE RIGHT, MAN.

I'M GOING TO TELL LISA
FROM NOW ON

THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING
BUT THE TRUTH.

GOOD LUCK.

[WHISTLING]

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

WHAT DID YOU
NEED TO TALK ABOUT?

LOOK, LISA...

ALRIGHT, BABY,
LISTEN...

I LOVE YOU.

OH, WILL...

LIKE I'D LISTEN TO GEOFFREY.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU SEEN HIM WITH A WOMAN?