The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Wedding Show (Psyche!) - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Hey, G, what is your idea of

like, the perfect wedding?

Any one at which I'm not serving
hors d'oeuvres

or pouring champagne.

Wow! Then you're going to think
ours sucks.

- Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up?
- How you doin', Will?

Uh, remember Lisa's pop's
comin' in

from Cleveland this
afternoon

so don't be late for dinner.

[chuckles]
My fault.



Second there, I forgot who I was
talking to, you know that?

Well, I'm actually looking
forward to meeting him.

We'll probably discuss
the wedding while he's here.

In fact, I have finished
the guest list.

And, good news, I've kept it
small. Just 300 people.

Three hundred?

Who're you inviting,
the entire Wayans family?

Come on, Uncle Phil,
who are these people?

Well, they're just, you
know,
business associates

uh, contributors to my campaign

and people I need
to suck up to.

Uh, how about the people
that I want to invite?

- Like who?
- Uh, how about my mom?

Oops.



[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called bel-air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

(Will)
'Uncle Phil, the thing is
we-we really didn't expect'

all of these people, I thought
we said that we were gonna

have the wedding in the garden.

It is gonna be
in the garden, Will.

The garden at the
Bel-Air Country Club.

Uh, gee, you know, I-I kind of
miss the good old days

when you were against
this wedding.

[chuckles]
Ah, I see the problem.

See, you're under the impression
that this wedding is for you.

[southern accent]
Oh, what the hell
was I thinkin'?

Get this straight, son..

...my cash, my party.

And I'm going to network
like it's 1999.

G, does anybody
in this house care what I want?

No.

What are you guys doing?

Hilary's being audited
by the IRS.

Thanks to you.

Carlton said he could
save me money

so I let him do my taxes.

Relax, I'll take care of it.

I don't understand any of this.

I have money invested
in companies

I've never even heard of.

- Like what?
- Like Carlton Co.

I said I'll take care of it.

Look, I don't wanna scare
you

but these bureaucrats
are heartless.

Well, what should I do?

Smile, be polite
and wear a spandex dress

that makes them sit up and say,
"Aye, chihuahua."

Carlton, that's terrible,
Hilary would never

degrade herself like that.

Absolutely not.

[sighs]
I'll wear leather.

Why don't you just wear
hot pants

and a bustier with two
big cones on it?

Before Memorial Day? Pfft!

[instrumental music]

- Huh? Whoo!
- Oh.

I don't want you to worry, baby.

It's your wedding,
so you two should get

exactly what you want.

Besides,
it's the father of the bride

who throws the wedding.

So, I-I'll set Will's
uncle straight.

- Right.
- Oh, thank you, daddy.

- Oh.
- Mwah!

Yeah, thank you, daddy.

Uh, I was raised in France.
You know, we..

Oh, hey, here's the man now.

- What's up, Uncle Phil?
- Hey, son.

Uncle Phil, this is Lisa's
father, Fred.

Oh, so this is Fred.

It's a pleasure
to finally meet you.

- Oh, same here.
- Cool.

Enough of the small talk.
Look, uh..

Fred has something
t-that he wants to say to you.

Right?
You know, about the garden?

Oh, yes, Phil,
your garden is beautiful.

What are these, perennials?

Those are flowers, Fred.

You know, like a bride
carries at a wedding.

Oh, that reminds me, Will,
I was at the club

so I put down
a deposit on the rose garden.

We're all set.

You know, now would be
as good a time as any.

Just dive right in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fred.

That's might generous of you,
Phil, but as the father

of the bride,
I'll take care of the wedding.

[chuckles]
I understand where you're
coming from, Fred

but since I have to invite
several hundred guests

I think it's only fair
that I shoulder

the financial
responsibility.

Well, I appreciate that, Phil

but I've been talking
with the kids and it seems to me

that they have their hearts set
on something a little smaller.

- You go, Fred.
- Like family and friends.

- Go, Fred.
- In a garden.

- Go, Fred.
- In Cleveland.

Whoa, Fred.

[instrumental music]

What was I thinking
wearing this outfit?

I look like a call girl.

But a very expensive call girl.

Thanks.

Oh, but this just doesn't
feel right.

Well, Hilary,
y-you can't leave.

There's something
I haven't told you.

You could go to prison for this.

Oh, that's ridiculous,
it isn't that short.

Hilary, grow up, we're dealing

with the United States
government here.

Now hike up that skirt, sister.

Move it.

I'm waiting.

[grunts]

Oh, excuse me, when will
Agent Dailey be with us?

I'm Agent Dailey.

Well, this is a serious
waste
of a Wonderbra.

And for a talk show hostess

a home gymnasium is a
justifiable business expense.

What about you, Mr. Banks,
do you work out?

Uh..

Well, I try to keep fit.

Looks to me like you succeeded.

Ooh.

I could use something cold to
drink. Can I get you
anything?

- Uh, nothing for me.
- Well, I'll have a..

What an odd duck.

She's just not focusing.

Oh, she's focusing, alright,
on your chest.

I mean, as unbelievable
and disgusting

as it sounds, she wants you.

That's ridiculous.

You know,
this audit is a lot more

complicated than I expected.

Perhaps, we should continue
this tomorrow.

Oh, but tomorrow's Sunday.
I'm getting a chemical peel.

Oh, can't miss that.

Mr. Banks and I
can handle this without you.

- We can?
- Yes.

I wanna just get together
and crunch some numbers.

[laughing]

You know, Phil,
i-it sounds to me like

you don't think
my hometown is good enough

for you and your
ritzy friends.

Hey, man, why you ain't tell me
you invited the Ritzy's?

Fred, let me simplify
this for you.

Now, ha, ha,
if flying out here

is a problem
for you and your guests

don't worry about it,
it's on me.

I'm gonna be on you too,
you keep throwing

your money in my face,
you fat cat.

Okay. Ding, ding, ding!

All sumo wrestlers
to the showers!

I'll have you know, I put
$10,000 aside for this wedding.

Please, that wouldn't even cover
the invitations.

Okay, okay.

♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪

♪ Everybody Kumbaya ♪

Now, there is nothing wrong
with bein' a hardworkin' man.

Have you ever done
an honest day's work?

I happen to be a judge.

I'll take that as a no.

Now, just wait a minute,
you guys.

Yeah, this thing's getting
completely outta hand.

You just stay out of this, Will.

Yeah, this does not concern you.

And you, you can forget
about coming to Cleveland.

Because a big soft marshmallow
man like you

you wouldn't last
five seconds.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd like to see you
try to fit in

down at the Country Club

crushing beer cans on your head

tellin' everybody why Sears
is the place to buy tires.

Oh, I know you don't wanna talk
about tires.

Oh, no, you don't.
You wanna take this outside?

- 'We are outside.'
- 'Fine.'

- 'You wanna take it inside?'
- 'Inside and upstairs..'

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

(Geoffrey)
'I'm coming!'

Coming.

Just my luck.

Whitney Houston and I
had just survived

a nuclear holocaust.

And now I was the last man
on Earth.

- What is going on?
- Where's Mr. Moneybags?

Hey, what do you mean
by disturbing my family

this early in the morning?

You call 5:30 early?

Hell, the day is half gone.

And so is my little girl.

- What are you talking about?
- Here.

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

Will and Lisa have run off
to Las Vegas.

They've eloped.

Well, goodnight.

Forget it, Hilary.

There's no way
I'm gonna cheapen myself

to satisfy the urges of that
she-devil down at the IRS.

Excuse me,
but aren't you the guy

who ran his picture
in the personals

with the word "please"
written under it.

Hey, I met a nice gal
through that ad.

In-in some cultures,
it's considered a real
turn-on

for a woman to have
a sloped forehead.

Oh. Did you guys hear?

- Will and Lisa eloped.
- Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carlton, if you don't do this

I'm gonna tell daddy
all about Carlton Co.

Fine. N-next time
you wanna sit up all night

and girl talk, don't call
me.

[sighs]
I'm definitely
the Marilyn Munster

of this family.

You know, this is
all your fault, Fred.

If you'd just
listened to those kids

they probably wouldn't
have run off.

Me? You're the one
that wanted them

to get married
in a damn sand trap.

The Bel-Air Country Club
does not happen to be a..

Excuse me, excuse me
for interrupting

but don't you think it's time
for you two to call a truce?

Both of your kids are married.

Like it or not,
we're all family now.

You know..

...she's right, Fred.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

My poor Yvonne,
she always wanted Lisa

to get married
in a big church wedding.

She's probably turning
in her grave right now.

You're lucky she's dead.

What?

Uh, uh, I mean,
my wife is still alive.

What?

She's gonna kill me
when she finds out about this.

Ah.

You want a beer?

Actually, I'd prefer
a white wine spritzer.

Oh, I'm sorry
we weren't at the wedding

but, you know,
two kids running off

in the middle of the night
like that.

- Kind of romantic, huh? Ha, ha.
- Yeah, and a whole lot cheaper.

Hey.

[both laugh]

Right this way.

[both giggling]

Hey, now, this is more like it.

Ain't no way I was getting
married at a place

called Temple Emanuel L. Lewis.

Welcome to the Chapel of Soul.

I'm Angela and I'll be
your wedding coordinator.

Can you dig it?

[Angela laughs]

Well, let's rap about
the kind of ceremony you want.

Did you hear that, baby?
It's about what we want.

Oh, yeah, that's right,
power to the people up in here.

We offer a number of
packages here.

Groove on this.

Oh! Ooh, this is the bomb.

Oh, I knew I liked this place.

Baby, look, they got a
package
on my all-time idol.

Who's that?

"Who's the black private
dick
who's a sex machine

to all the chicks?"

- Shaft?
- You're damn right.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, baby, he's been my idol
ever since I was a kid.

C-can we have this one?

Baby, can we have
the Shaft package, please?

Can we please do that one,
baby, please?

Well, okay, baby, but I don't
wanna be given away by the pimp.

But, baby,
that's what makes the whole..

Al-alright, alright.

[Lisa laughs]

Give us the Shaft.

Well, Hilary's investments
were primarily

in mutual funds and stocks
although..

...in November, she sold off
a number of hairs, uh, shares.

Now, if-if you'll refer
to form 2106..

I'm having a little trouble
reading my copy.

Well, maybe
if you turned on a light.

Why don't I just share
yours?

Carlton, this whole audit
can be resolved very quickly.

All you have to do is cooperate.

What are you doing?

Nobody has to know,
nobody gets hurt.

You're busted, lady.

If you don't sign this form
exonerating Hilary

I'll sue you
for sexual harassment.

Just try. You have no idea
what you're up against.

Neither do you.

I thought you might
try something

so I took precautions.

That was a tape recorder?

That's right.

I have the whole
sordid encounter

right here on tape, Dailey.

You're dilly-dallying days
are done.

Dork.

Will?

Does this look silly?

What are you talking about,
baby?

- You look beautiful.
- Aww. Ha, ha.

This is exactly
how I pictured my wedding.

Well, more or less.

Will, Lisa,
your Shaft wedding extravaganza

is ready to begin.

Solid, let's get it on.

Oh, wait, hold on, baby.

I wrote my own vows.

Oh, Will, I can't wait
to hear them.

[Isaac Hayes "Shaft"
instrumental]

[gasping]

Come, my children.

[Lisa giggles]

♪ Who's the black Philly man
that's gonna ♪

♪ Take this fine woman's hand? ♪

♪ Smith ♪

That's fine, that's me.

♪ You're damn right ♪

♪ Who is the man that's got
some vows in his hand ♪

♪ To tell his woman? ♪

♪ Will Smith ♪

♪ Can you dig it? ♪

"Lisa..

"...you're my sun, my moon,
my stars.

"You're my whole universe.

"You make me feel complete.

I wanna be with you
forever.."

♪ Smith ♪

♪ Sure enough ♪

Right. Um..

"From the first time
I saw you

"I knew that I wanted
to be with you always.

I knew that I wanted
to hold you and love you.."

♪ Smith ♪

♪ Will Smith yeah ♪

Right on.

Alright. Um..

♪ They say this cat Smith
is a bad mother.. ♪

Shut your mouth.

♪ Well they talking about you ♪

Can I do this, please?

Um, where was I? Uh,
"Lisa.."

♪ You're a complicated man ♪

♪ There's no one who
understands you but your woman ♪

♪ Will Smith ♪

[sighs]

Look, Lisa,
what I'm trying to say is..

[whooping]

Alright, that's enough!

[whooping]

That's it!

Look, Lisa,
baby, I'm telling you..

...I want to marry you,
but definitely not like
this.

Right on, Will.

Oh, by the way, dude

your Isaac Hayes
impression stinks.

I don't know,
I-I thought it was pretty good.

I don't understand,
the IRS is just letting me off?

What did you have to do?

I don't wanna hear this.

Don't worry, Ashley, I've done
nothing to be ashamed of.

I blackmailed her.

She was harassing me.
Listen to this.

♪ She'll have fun fun fun ♪

♪ Till her daddy
takes the T-Bird away ♪

♪ Fun fun fun till her da.. ♪♪

Carlton, that's annoying,
but it's not harassment.

Thank God I pressed
the wrong button.

The B-side is John Travolta's
polka classics.

Okay. Okay, thank you.

[sighs]
Phil, I tell you,
this is the life, man.

And that butler of yours
makes one mean sandwich.

What is that, Grey Poupon?

- Mm. You like it?
- Ooh.

Well, I'll see you go home
with a case of it.

- Ha, ha.
- 'Hey, listen to this.'

Now, the country club let me
slide my wedding deposit..

...over to the pro shop.

Now, for five years,
I've had my eye

on one of those,
those turbo driven golf carts.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

So daddy's coming home
with a Turf Buddy.

- Alright.
- Ha, ha.

Man, you made me
think of something.

All my life I wanted
a Harley-Davidson.

And with the $10,000
I'm saving on that wedding..

...I can get the hog of life.

[Fred imitates engine revving]

- Five.
- Fred. Oh, Fred.

- I'll tell you.
- We got some great kids.

Ain't it the truth, huh?

Hey, guys, what's up?
Look, we got good news.

No, we already know,
we read the note.

Oh, you don't get it,
we didn't go through with
it.

Well, you know, it just really
didn't feel right, you know

without all our family
and friends being there.

So hey, we decided
you guys can go ahead

with the traditional
blowout wedding.

- With all the trimmings.
- Yep.

So, uh, Uncle Phil..

...you can fly in all my
boys
and all my boys' boys

and all my boys' boys' boys,
you know what I'm saying?

We're gonna rock that
Bel-Air Country Club so hard

we're gonna have Bob Hope up
in there doing the tootsie roll

you know what I mean?

Ah, well, hear this, son,
you two are gonna get married

right here on this patio
and you're gonna like it.

- But, daddy, we decided--
- Don't worry, baby.

We-we'll get you some cake
and something

to wash it down with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We can talk about this.

The wedding's not gonna be
till May. Ha, ha.

So, Fred, you wanna
take a spin around the block

in my Turf Buddy?

- I'm there.
- Heh!

Hey, can you pop a wheelie?

Only if he sits on it.

It's like I don't believe
this mess.

I mean, doesn't anybody care
what we want?

Nope.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪