The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 17 - Will Is from Mars... - full transcript
Will and Lisa go to a relationship counselor so Uncle Phil will pay for their honeymoon.
Oh. Hey, Ash, guess what.
Me and Lisa finally
set the date.
We're getting married
in September.
Oh, Will, that's great.
Hey, listen,
I even bought the ring too.
Really? How many carats?
Come on, Ash,
it's not the size that counts.
That small, huh?
Well, I-I mean,
I-I-I didn't get the ring
I wanted to get, you know.
I-I couldn't afford
the real cubic zirconia.
Hey, but check it out.
Presentation is everything.
Check it out. Yo, G.
I had Geoffrey bake the ring
inside of her favorite cookie.
Aww.
Nothin' says lovin' like
somethin' from the oven.
- And Will Smith says it best.
- Hey, that looks great, G.
- It certainly does.
- Uncle Phil!
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story all about
how my life got flipped ♪
♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪
♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell you later ♪
♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[fast forward video on TV]
What y'all watching,
a Rosie Perez movie?
I wish, Hilary gave us a tape
of her talk show
and made us promise to watch.
It's been on for three
minutes
and we're almost done.
[fast forward video on TV]
Oh, uh..
I-it's nothing, babe, you know
it's that thong underwear
you bought me for Christmas.
[mumbles]
What's up, girl? Mwah!
I just wanted to come over
and say
thank you
for fixing my sink.
- Oh, cool.
- Um, baby.
How about meeting me
for a little midnight swim?
Ooh. You got that, baby.
- Where?
- My living room.
Thanks to you,
my whole apartment is
flooded.
It will be days
until I can get back in there.
Oh, I-I'm, I'm sorry, baby.
I'm, I'm usually pretty handy
with stuff like that.
Tell her, y'all.
Didn't I just fix the toaster?
[toaster dings]
See? Before it wouldn't even
get past the door.
Thanks, Will, in the
morning,
I'll set it on dark
and it will meet me at
school.
Maybe I should just call
my friend Denise
and see if I can
stay over there.
What you talking about, girl?
You can stay in the pool house
with us.
Carlton, is that okay with you?
Are you kidding? Sure.
I love a good old-fashioned
sleepover.
What say we rent a musical
pop some corn and after that,
dare I say, Yahtzee?
Dare I say..
Ow!
Geoffrey, you look wonderful.
Is that a new suit?
It was, 20 years ago.
[laughing]
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, since I moved out
I have really missed
your sense of humor, Geoffrey.
Your wit.
Your charm.
Your wit.
Your..
Oh, who are we kidding? I
need
you to come work for me,
okay?
Miss Hilary,
I already have a job.
Well, then, just part-time.
Look, I'm a career woman.
I don't have time
to dust and push around
that..
Oh, what do you call
that big loud thing
that sucks up everything?
You call him daddy.
I-I'm sorry, Miss Hilary
but he'd never allow me
to moonlight.
I'm expected to be on call
for his 3:00 a.m. feeding.
Well, then I'll just use you
in between meals.
Daddy will never even know
you're gone.
Are you suggesting that I
lie?
Big time.
Miss Hilary, I couldn't.
I've worked for your father
for 20 years.
He's seen me through
some very hard times.
Even paid for my dear
mother's
cataract surgery.
The extra money could get you
that Beemer.
Well, it's not as if
he gave her a kidney.
[imitating Ricky Ricardo]
Hey, Lucy, I home.
Hey, baby.
No, Lucy, don't even try.
You cannot be in the show.
- Hey, girl. Mwah!
- Mwah!
Man, what is that smell?
Oh, it's my chicken stew.
Girl, exactly what part of
that chicken are you
cooking?
Come here, boy,
I want you to taste it.
Why?
I-I-I mean, I'd love to, baby.
- I made it especially for you.
- Oh, thank you.
[coughing]
Oh, damn, I swallowed it!
What?
Oh, and it was
finger-licking
good, baby.
[knocking on door]
- Hi, kids.
- Hey, Mr. Banks.
Do you wanna stay
and join us for dinner?
Uh, no, thank you, Lisa,
as lovely as that stinks..
Uh, uh, smells.
'I wouldn't wanna interrupt.'
I just came over to talk
to you kids about your marriage.
[sighs]
Come on, Uncle Phil. Not again.
Look, we're getting married
in September.
No, no, Will. Come on.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, your aunt and I have
been
talking about this, and..
Well, we just wanna make
sure
that you get off
to the best start possible.
Which is why we're giving you
this little engagement present.
"Note. Buy Reese's Pieces
for desk jar."
Other side.
Oh. My fault.
"Dr. Whitehorn.
Psychologist?"
His specialty
is relationship counseling.
Oh, Mr. Banks,
Will and I are in love.
- We don't need any counseling.
- Yeah.
But I could damn sure go
for some Reese's Pieces.
No. Now, look, look, look, Will.
Look, marriage is difficult
at any age.
Now, all counseling will do
is give you tools you need
to help make
your relationship work.
I mean, you wouldn't drive a car
without taking at least
a few lessons first.
Look here, Uncle Phil,
I'm from Philly.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I was driving when I was 11,
you know.
Of course, that was in the good
old days before The Club.
You know what I'm saying?
That'll put a crimp
in the plans, you know.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
hey, thanks a lot, man
but, uh, we both go to school
and we work.
We really don't have time
for that.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Because I was gonna pay
for your honeymoon
anywhere in the world
you wanted to go.
[grunting]
Hey, baby, what's Swahili
for ching-ching?
But, you know, I-I guess
what I'm trying to say is
you know, we don't really
need to be here. We happy.
- Tell him, baby.
- Yes, very happy.
Yeah. Hey, like, y-you know them
little yellow smiley faces?
Just put some Hershey syrup on
them, you got us, you know.
Great, then all I have to do
is give you the skills
you need to maintain
that enthusiasm.
Oh, uh..
...if you mean
what I think you mean
I got skills, you know.
Actually I was talking about
interpersonal
relationship skills.
Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
That's what I was sayin'.
The two most important being
respect and communication.
You see, it's very
important..
Oh, excuse me.
Dr. Whitehorn. Ugh, it's
you.
Listen, Rita,
you are sucking me dry.
Look, you want more alimony
you talk to my first two wives,
alright?
Never get married on a dare.
[chuckles]
Now, uh, where were we?
Um, respect and communication.
Ah. That's right, that's right,
uh, but look, for now
before tomorrow's group session,
I'd like to ask questions.
Oh, cool, questions.
Knock yourself out.
(Dr. Whitehorn)
'Okay, uh..'
'Where do you see yourselves,
uh, 10 years from now?'
Ah, that's an easy one,
that's an easy one.
Ten years, I see us, you know
kind of like the Huxtables,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Except I'm not gonna be
delivering babies
I'm gonna be making them,
you know what I'm sayin'?
But first, I figure we'd start
out with Will, Jr., you know.
Then Willfred, then Willoughby
then Willard, you know.
Then Willis.
Will, stop.
Will Stop?
[scoffs]
That ain't no good name.
Now, Willstafa, you know.
That's strong,
you know, like
kind of a Lion King
kind of feel.
You know, Will Simba.
Uh, we'll come back to that.
Look, let's take another
question.
Oh, where will you be living?
That's an easy one. Right, baby?
- Yes. Cleveland.
- Philly.
Oh, this ought to be good.
[instrumental music]
Well, that new little
Beemer of yours
runs like a dream, doesn't it?
How should I know,
you've been hogging it
ever since I signed the papers.
Just come on upstairs.
You know that table
in daddy's study?
I need you to carry it
out to the car.
It's a pool table.
Duh. Heh-heh!
Miss Hilary, I'm sorry
but I have duties here
to attend to.
Besides, I'm still worn out
from last night.
Oh, please. I just had you do
a little yard work.
I don't believe blacktopping
your tennis court
falls into that category.
You are so lazy.
Not too lazy to quit.
- Geoffrey, where have you been?
- Yes.
The last thing you said was,
"I just need to step outside
for a little fresh air.
I'll be right back."
That was seven hours ago.
Oh, don't get into a hissy fit,
sir.
- I left dinner in the oven.
- Oh, thank goodness.
I thought we were gonna
have to eat what daddy gave us.
God help us, you'd think a guy
who eats so much
would at least know
his way around the kitchen.
- Lisa, hi. Where's Will?
- Will who?
Will, wa-was there a problem
in therapy?
Man, we are this close
to breaking up.
Boy, that stuff
doesn't work at all.
[instrumental music]
[microwave beeping]
Oh, thanks, babe.
Oh, God! Don't hurt me!
What is your problem?
Me?
Baby, yo,
just tell me one thing..
Did you put somethin' on
or did you take somethin' off?
Trust me, Will, the next time
I decide to take something off
you will be too old
and blind to care.
Listen, this is just stupid.
We shouldn't be
fighting like this.
[sighs]
Okay, baby, you're right.
I'm, I'm sorry. Aww.
Hey, put it there, dude.
You have some nerve.
So you expect me to be
a gourmet chef
raise eight kids and look
beautiful 24 hours a day?
Too much?
And what exactly
are you gonna be doing?
- I'm gonna be supporting y'all.
- Oh, on what?
That one-figure salary that
you pull down at the Peacock?
Oh, no, you did not.
Oh, no..
You know what?
I could yell
I could scream.
I could even
call you some names.
But you know what?
One of us has to be
the mature one.
And it ain't gonna be me,
Aunt Jemima!
Ooh.
[instrumental music]
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi.
Yeah, what's up?
Um, Will,
we're sitting over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
now, there you go
trying to tell me where to sit.
Look here. I sit
when and where I please.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I'm the man. I'm theman.
Now, you give me one good reason
why I should sit over there.
Because your name
is on the seat.
I knew that.
And you know how I knew that?
- 'Cause you're the man.
- 'Cause you're the man.
Oh, you see what I'm saying?
They recognize.
- Hello. Welcome.
- 'Yeah, whatever.'
Well, tonight
we're here to benefit
from each other's experiences.
Those of us who are just
starting out together
and others who have had long
and nurturing relationships.
(George)
'Get the lead out, Weezy.'
(Louise)
'I'm walking as fast as I can,
George.'
- Hello, Louise, George.
- Hey, Whitey.
That's, uh,
that's Dr. Whitehorn.
Yeah, yeah, Horny.
Where do you want me to sit?
Never mind,
I'll sit wherever I want
'cause I'm the man.
I'm the man.
Tonight, why don't we begin
with a simple exercise?
I'd like each one of you
to say three things
that you like
about your partner, okay?
Uh, George, why don't you start?
Well?
Well, what?
The man said to name
three things you like about me.
Fine. Your mother died.
Your mother is dead.
Your mother
ain't living no more.
[laughing]
[coughing]
Okay, let's, um,
let's try role reversal.
No, uh-uh.
It'll help give you insight into
how your partner perceives you.
Now, uh, who'd like to go first?
- Oh, I'd like to.
- Oh, great, Lisa.
Show us Will.
[imitating Will]
Who the man?
I'm the man.
'Cause I ain't spending no $4.95
on some stank skeezer
to take her to the salad bar.
'Cause if a honey wants to go
with me to the Sizzler
she gots to be all that.
She gots to look good.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
'CauseI'mtheman.
Nicely done.
I believe it's my turn.
Go ahead, Will.
Um, oh, excuse.. Um..
Ca-can I borrow this
for a second? Thank you.
- Hey! Man.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[inaudible]
[imitating Lisa]
Tsk.
You want some popcorn?
Tsk. Why you screaming?
What, I'm supposed to be a cook,
I'm supposed to be a cleaner
I'm supposed do everything
you want. What you gonna do?
Tsk.
Tsk. Tsk. Listen, you need to
stop acting so stupid.
You need to get a job,
or do something
so you can buy me
something nice.
You ain't never bought me
nothin' nice.
You just be acting all dumb.
And why you talking about
your uncle all the time?
He ain't fat. He is big-boned.
And I thought I had it bad.
- And it's about to get worse.
- Ow!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Now, none of that.
If you can't verbalize your
aggressions
then, uh, here, try a bataka.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- And this is for mama.
- Hey!
And this is for calling me Weezy
when you know I'm sensitive
about my asthma.
Try this on your asthma,
huh?
Hey, hey, hey, time out!
Time out now! Stop it!
Look it, why don't we all just
take a five-minute break, okay?
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Fine.
Man, she always been like that?
Nah, she used to be mean.
[laughing]
We tied the knot 40 years
ago
and I've been swinging from
it
ever since.
[laughing]
Yeah, I hear you, man.
Sure, there's women like that
make you realize
why God made darkness.
- Hey, man!
- What?
- You insulting my wife?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up a second there,
cul-de-sac.
Look, I, I am twice your size
and half your age.
You need to just chill out
a little bit.
Your mama.
Oh, no. You didn't just
talk about my mother.
Okay. Well, I'll talk about
your daddy instead.
Your daddy is so fat
that when he went to school
he sat next to everybody.
Pfft.
But still he wasn't as fat
as your fat mama.
Oh! Come on with it!
Stop it! Stop it right now!
Stop it.
You're not supposed to..
Stop it right now, okay.
Stop it or I'll charge you
double.
- What?
- Who you talking to?
- Oh, that is so juvenile.
- I know it.
I have never seen
anything so stupid.
You calling my husband stupid?
Honey,
the only thing stupid here
is your big-eared boyfriend.
He looks like a car
coming down the road
with both doors open.
Oh, no, Miss Thing.
It's on now.
Alright, sister, bring it on.
(Dr. Whitehorn)
'Hey! Come on, you're missing
the whole point here.'
Stop it! Stop it right now!
You're supposed to verbalize,
not beat each other up!
You might as well be taking
karate.
- Coward!
- I hear you.
[instrumental music]
Hey, what's up, Uncle Phil?
- What in the world happened?
- Man, we got into a huge fight.
Uh, a fistfight?
No, we used bats.
- On each other?
- Oh, no, no.
We beat up this old couple.
Yeah, but they had it
coming,
right, baby?
- Yeah, baby.
- That's what I'm saying.
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
I mean, th-that's terrible.
Oh, no, no, no.
This was at therapy, Uncle Phil.
Hey, y-you know,
it actually helped us out a lot.
W-we decided we're not gonna get
married in September after all.
Ooh. Okay,
if that's your decision.
Yeah. We're gonna move
the wedding up to May.
You know, I mean,
we saw tonight that
you know, we got our little
petty differences
but when push come to shove,
we've got each other's back.
Oh, well, I'm really glad
you two are getting along.
But that's still no reason
to move up your wedding.
Well, you know,
that's not the only reason.
We wanna miss the rainy
season
in the motherland.
That's where you're sending us
for our honeymoon. Oh.
That's from the travel agent.
She says she could retire
on this one.
[chuckling]
Thanks.
Pinch me, Geoffrey.
Not on what you're paying
me.
But for 35,000,
I'll slap you silly.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Me and Lisa finally
set the date.
We're getting married
in September.
Oh, Will, that's great.
Hey, listen,
I even bought the ring too.
Really? How many carats?
Come on, Ash,
it's not the size that counts.
That small, huh?
Well, I-I mean,
I-I-I didn't get the ring
I wanted to get, you know.
I-I couldn't afford
the real cubic zirconia.
Hey, but check it out.
Presentation is everything.
Check it out. Yo, G.
I had Geoffrey bake the ring
inside of her favorite cookie.
Aww.
Nothin' says lovin' like
somethin' from the oven.
- And Will Smith says it best.
- Hey, that looks great, G.
- It certainly does.
- Uncle Phil!
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story all about
how my life got flipped ♪
♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪
♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell you later ♪
♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[fast forward video on TV]
What y'all watching,
a Rosie Perez movie?
I wish, Hilary gave us a tape
of her talk show
and made us promise to watch.
It's been on for three
minutes
and we're almost done.
[fast forward video on TV]
Oh, uh..
I-it's nothing, babe, you know
it's that thong underwear
you bought me for Christmas.
[mumbles]
What's up, girl? Mwah!
I just wanted to come over
and say
thank you
for fixing my sink.
- Oh, cool.
- Um, baby.
How about meeting me
for a little midnight swim?
Ooh. You got that, baby.
- Where?
- My living room.
Thanks to you,
my whole apartment is
flooded.
It will be days
until I can get back in there.
Oh, I-I'm, I'm sorry, baby.
I'm, I'm usually pretty handy
with stuff like that.
Tell her, y'all.
Didn't I just fix the toaster?
[toaster dings]
See? Before it wouldn't even
get past the door.
Thanks, Will, in the
morning,
I'll set it on dark
and it will meet me at
school.
Maybe I should just call
my friend Denise
and see if I can
stay over there.
What you talking about, girl?
You can stay in the pool house
with us.
Carlton, is that okay with you?
Are you kidding? Sure.
I love a good old-fashioned
sleepover.
What say we rent a musical
pop some corn and after that,
dare I say, Yahtzee?
Dare I say..
Ow!
Geoffrey, you look wonderful.
Is that a new suit?
It was, 20 years ago.
[laughing]
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, since I moved out
I have really missed
your sense of humor, Geoffrey.
Your wit.
Your charm.
Your wit.
Your..
Oh, who are we kidding? I
need
you to come work for me,
okay?
Miss Hilary,
I already have a job.
Well, then, just part-time.
Look, I'm a career woman.
I don't have time
to dust and push around
that..
Oh, what do you call
that big loud thing
that sucks up everything?
You call him daddy.
I-I'm sorry, Miss Hilary
but he'd never allow me
to moonlight.
I'm expected to be on call
for his 3:00 a.m. feeding.
Well, then I'll just use you
in between meals.
Daddy will never even know
you're gone.
Are you suggesting that I
lie?
Big time.
Miss Hilary, I couldn't.
I've worked for your father
for 20 years.
He's seen me through
some very hard times.
Even paid for my dear
mother's
cataract surgery.
The extra money could get you
that Beemer.
Well, it's not as if
he gave her a kidney.
[imitating Ricky Ricardo]
Hey, Lucy, I home.
Hey, baby.
No, Lucy, don't even try.
You cannot be in the show.
- Hey, girl. Mwah!
- Mwah!
Man, what is that smell?
Oh, it's my chicken stew.
Girl, exactly what part of
that chicken are you
cooking?
Come here, boy,
I want you to taste it.
Why?
I-I-I mean, I'd love to, baby.
- I made it especially for you.
- Oh, thank you.
[coughing]
Oh, damn, I swallowed it!
What?
Oh, and it was
finger-licking
good, baby.
[knocking on door]
- Hi, kids.
- Hey, Mr. Banks.
Do you wanna stay
and join us for dinner?
Uh, no, thank you, Lisa,
as lovely as that stinks..
Uh, uh, smells.
'I wouldn't wanna interrupt.'
I just came over to talk
to you kids about your marriage.
[sighs]
Come on, Uncle Phil. Not again.
Look, we're getting married
in September.
No, no, Will. Come on.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, your aunt and I have
been
talking about this, and..
Well, we just wanna make
sure
that you get off
to the best start possible.
Which is why we're giving you
this little engagement present.
"Note. Buy Reese's Pieces
for desk jar."
Other side.
Oh. My fault.
"Dr. Whitehorn.
Psychologist?"
His specialty
is relationship counseling.
Oh, Mr. Banks,
Will and I are in love.
- We don't need any counseling.
- Yeah.
But I could damn sure go
for some Reese's Pieces.
No. Now, look, look, look, Will.
Look, marriage is difficult
at any age.
Now, all counseling will do
is give you tools you need
to help make
your relationship work.
I mean, you wouldn't drive a car
without taking at least
a few lessons first.
Look here, Uncle Phil,
I'm from Philly.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I was driving when I was 11,
you know.
Of course, that was in the good
old days before The Club.
You know what I'm saying?
That'll put a crimp
in the plans, you know.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
hey, thanks a lot, man
but, uh, we both go to school
and we work.
We really don't have time
for that.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Because I was gonna pay
for your honeymoon
anywhere in the world
you wanted to go.
[grunting]
Hey, baby, what's Swahili
for ching-ching?
But, you know, I-I guess
what I'm trying to say is
you know, we don't really
need to be here. We happy.
- Tell him, baby.
- Yes, very happy.
Yeah. Hey, like, y-you know them
little yellow smiley faces?
Just put some Hershey syrup on
them, you got us, you know.
Great, then all I have to do
is give you the skills
you need to maintain
that enthusiasm.
Oh, uh..
...if you mean
what I think you mean
I got skills, you know.
Actually I was talking about
interpersonal
relationship skills.
Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
That's what I was sayin'.
The two most important being
respect and communication.
You see, it's very
important..
Oh, excuse me.
Dr. Whitehorn. Ugh, it's
you.
Listen, Rita,
you are sucking me dry.
Look, you want more alimony
you talk to my first two wives,
alright?
Never get married on a dare.
[chuckles]
Now, uh, where were we?
Um, respect and communication.
Ah. That's right, that's right,
uh, but look, for now
before tomorrow's group session,
I'd like to ask questions.
Oh, cool, questions.
Knock yourself out.
(Dr. Whitehorn)
'Okay, uh..'
'Where do you see yourselves,
uh, 10 years from now?'
Ah, that's an easy one,
that's an easy one.
Ten years, I see us, you know
kind of like the Huxtables,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Except I'm not gonna be
delivering babies
I'm gonna be making them,
you know what I'm sayin'?
But first, I figure we'd start
out with Will, Jr., you know.
Then Willfred, then Willoughby
then Willard, you know.
Then Willis.
Will, stop.
Will Stop?
[scoffs]
That ain't no good name.
Now, Willstafa, you know.
That's strong,
you know, like
kind of a Lion King
kind of feel.
You know, Will Simba.
Uh, we'll come back to that.
Look, let's take another
question.
Oh, where will you be living?
That's an easy one. Right, baby?
- Yes. Cleveland.
- Philly.
Oh, this ought to be good.
[instrumental music]
Well, that new little
Beemer of yours
runs like a dream, doesn't it?
How should I know,
you've been hogging it
ever since I signed the papers.
Just come on upstairs.
You know that table
in daddy's study?
I need you to carry it
out to the car.
It's a pool table.
Duh. Heh-heh!
Miss Hilary, I'm sorry
but I have duties here
to attend to.
Besides, I'm still worn out
from last night.
Oh, please. I just had you do
a little yard work.
I don't believe blacktopping
your tennis court
falls into that category.
You are so lazy.
Not too lazy to quit.
- Geoffrey, where have you been?
- Yes.
The last thing you said was,
"I just need to step outside
for a little fresh air.
I'll be right back."
That was seven hours ago.
Oh, don't get into a hissy fit,
sir.
- I left dinner in the oven.
- Oh, thank goodness.
I thought we were gonna
have to eat what daddy gave us.
God help us, you'd think a guy
who eats so much
would at least know
his way around the kitchen.
- Lisa, hi. Where's Will?
- Will who?
Will, wa-was there a problem
in therapy?
Man, we are this close
to breaking up.
Boy, that stuff
doesn't work at all.
[instrumental music]
[microwave beeping]
Oh, thanks, babe.
Oh, God! Don't hurt me!
What is your problem?
Me?
Baby, yo,
just tell me one thing..
Did you put somethin' on
or did you take somethin' off?
Trust me, Will, the next time
I decide to take something off
you will be too old
and blind to care.
Listen, this is just stupid.
We shouldn't be
fighting like this.
[sighs]
Okay, baby, you're right.
I'm, I'm sorry. Aww.
Hey, put it there, dude.
You have some nerve.
So you expect me to be
a gourmet chef
raise eight kids and look
beautiful 24 hours a day?
Too much?
And what exactly
are you gonna be doing?
- I'm gonna be supporting y'all.
- Oh, on what?
That one-figure salary that
you pull down at the Peacock?
Oh, no, you did not.
Oh, no..
You know what?
I could yell
I could scream.
I could even
call you some names.
But you know what?
One of us has to be
the mature one.
And it ain't gonna be me,
Aunt Jemima!
Ooh.
[instrumental music]
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi.
Yeah, what's up?
Um, Will,
we're sitting over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
now, there you go
trying to tell me where to sit.
Look here. I sit
when and where I please.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I'm the man. I'm theman.
Now, you give me one good reason
why I should sit over there.
Because your name
is on the seat.
I knew that.
And you know how I knew that?
- 'Cause you're the man.
- 'Cause you're the man.
Oh, you see what I'm saying?
They recognize.
- Hello. Welcome.
- 'Yeah, whatever.'
Well, tonight
we're here to benefit
from each other's experiences.
Those of us who are just
starting out together
and others who have had long
and nurturing relationships.
(George)
'Get the lead out, Weezy.'
(Louise)
'I'm walking as fast as I can,
George.'
- Hello, Louise, George.
- Hey, Whitey.
That's, uh,
that's Dr. Whitehorn.
Yeah, yeah, Horny.
Where do you want me to sit?
Never mind,
I'll sit wherever I want
'cause I'm the man.
I'm the man.
Tonight, why don't we begin
with a simple exercise?
I'd like each one of you
to say three things
that you like
about your partner, okay?
Uh, George, why don't you start?
Well?
Well, what?
The man said to name
three things you like about me.
Fine. Your mother died.
Your mother is dead.
Your mother
ain't living no more.
[laughing]
[coughing]
Okay, let's, um,
let's try role reversal.
No, uh-uh.
It'll help give you insight into
how your partner perceives you.
Now, uh, who'd like to go first?
- Oh, I'd like to.
- Oh, great, Lisa.
Show us Will.
[imitating Will]
Who the man?
I'm the man.
'Cause I ain't spending no $4.95
on some stank skeezer
to take her to the salad bar.
'Cause if a honey wants to go
with me to the Sizzler
she gots to be all that.
She gots to look good.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
'CauseI'mtheman.
Nicely done.
I believe it's my turn.
Go ahead, Will.
Um, oh, excuse.. Um..
Ca-can I borrow this
for a second? Thank you.
- Hey! Man.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[inaudible]
[imitating Lisa]
Tsk.
You want some popcorn?
Tsk. Why you screaming?
What, I'm supposed to be a cook,
I'm supposed to be a cleaner
I'm supposed do everything
you want. What you gonna do?
Tsk.
Tsk. Tsk. Listen, you need to
stop acting so stupid.
You need to get a job,
or do something
so you can buy me
something nice.
You ain't never bought me
nothin' nice.
You just be acting all dumb.
And why you talking about
your uncle all the time?
He ain't fat. He is big-boned.
And I thought I had it bad.
- And it's about to get worse.
- Ow!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Now, none of that.
If you can't verbalize your
aggressions
then, uh, here, try a bataka.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- And this is for mama.
- Hey!
And this is for calling me Weezy
when you know I'm sensitive
about my asthma.
Try this on your asthma,
huh?
Hey, hey, hey, time out!
Time out now! Stop it!
Look it, why don't we all just
take a five-minute break, okay?
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Fine.
Man, she always been like that?
Nah, she used to be mean.
[laughing]
We tied the knot 40 years
ago
and I've been swinging from
it
ever since.
[laughing]
Yeah, I hear you, man.
Sure, there's women like that
make you realize
why God made darkness.
- Hey, man!
- What?
- You insulting my wife?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up a second there,
cul-de-sac.
Look, I, I am twice your size
and half your age.
You need to just chill out
a little bit.
Your mama.
Oh, no. You didn't just
talk about my mother.
Okay. Well, I'll talk about
your daddy instead.
Your daddy is so fat
that when he went to school
he sat next to everybody.
Pfft.
But still he wasn't as fat
as your fat mama.
Oh! Come on with it!
Stop it! Stop it right now!
Stop it.
You're not supposed to..
Stop it right now, okay.
Stop it or I'll charge you
double.
- What?
- Who you talking to?
- Oh, that is so juvenile.
- I know it.
I have never seen
anything so stupid.
You calling my husband stupid?
Honey,
the only thing stupid here
is your big-eared boyfriend.
He looks like a car
coming down the road
with both doors open.
Oh, no, Miss Thing.
It's on now.
Alright, sister, bring it on.
(Dr. Whitehorn)
'Hey! Come on, you're missing
the whole point here.'
Stop it! Stop it right now!
You're supposed to verbalize,
not beat each other up!
You might as well be taking
karate.
- Coward!
- I hear you.
[instrumental music]
Hey, what's up, Uncle Phil?
- What in the world happened?
- Man, we got into a huge fight.
Uh, a fistfight?
No, we used bats.
- On each other?
- Oh, no, no.
We beat up this old couple.
Yeah, but they had it
coming,
right, baby?
- Yeah, baby.
- That's what I'm saying.
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
I mean, th-that's terrible.
Oh, no, no, no.
This was at therapy, Uncle Phil.
Hey, y-you know,
it actually helped us out a lot.
W-we decided we're not gonna get
married in September after all.
Ooh. Okay,
if that's your decision.
Yeah. We're gonna move
the wedding up to May.
You know, I mean,
we saw tonight that
you know, we got our little
petty differences
but when push come to shove,
we've got each other's back.
Oh, well, I'm really glad
you two are getting along.
But that's still no reason
to move up your wedding.
Well, you know,
that's not the only reason.
We wanna miss the rainy
season
in the motherland.
That's where you're sending us
for our honeymoon. Oh.
That's from the travel agent.
She says she could retire
on this one.
[chuckling]
Thanks.
Pinch me, Geoffrey.
Not on what you're paying
me.
But for 35,000,
I'll slap you silly.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪