The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 5, Episode 19 - Slum Like It... Not! - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Will, I don't think I've ever
seen you bite your nails.

Are you worried about something?

I was not biting
my nails, Ashley.

[spitting]

Well, Will, when I'm nervous,
I put a bag over my head

and breathe very deeply.

- Does that help?
- Absolutely.

By the time I regain
consciousness

I've forgotten everything
I was worried about.

Come on, Will, I know
something's bothering you.



Oh, okay, I'll admit it.

You know, I am getting married
in two months

and, you know,
that does give a brother

a lot to think about,
you know.

That doesn't mean I'm worried
about my future

you know, because I'm not.

That's how I eat them.

Oh, Will, there's nothing to
worry about.

So what, you and Lisa
have no place to live.

And no money in the bank.

And a crummy dead-end job.
Heh.

Oh, wait.
That would be me.

Well, thank you guys very much.
I feel better now.

Don't worry, Will,
you and Lisa will be okay.



That's right. I believe,
you'll always be able to

make a living.

You do own a squeegee,
don't you?

No, wait a minute. Me and Lisa
are gonna be just fine, okay?

I'm gonna make something
of myself.

I got a whole lot of great ideas
to make me some money.

- So, what's the problem?
- I ain't got no money.

It takes money to make money,
Ashley.

What I need is somebody to just
walk in and say..

You know what? I just made
a bundle on the stock market.

Now I just need something to
invest it in.

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Hey, hey.

Hey, Hil, you always get money
from Uncle Phil.

How do you do it?

Well, first I tell him that
I love him.

Then I hug him so tight
his wallet falls out

and I kick it under the couch.

So you hug him just to get
money? That is low.

- Well..
- Give me a hug, you big bear.

Will, if this is about
another

one of your investment
ideas,
forget it.

I don't know, they're just
a little too..

What is the word
I'm looking for?

- Stupid? Ha-ha.
- Bingo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Will, dad doesn't need financial
advice from you.

Why do you think he has me?

I don't know, what? The drug
store was closed that
weekend?

[chuckles]

Daddy, why don't
you just hear Will out?

He might say something
you like.

Well, I guess you're right.

My father always said there's no
such thing as a bad idea.

Yes. But your father
never heard

about fried-chicken-flavored
aspirin.

What did you call it again,
Will?

Rotisserie-gold-icillin.

And let's not forget about his
beepers that cough.

Oh, now, wait a minute.
That one could've worked.

Look, you just never thought it
through enough, Uncle Phil.

See, now check this out.

You're sitting in a movie
theater, your beeper go off.

Instead of hearing beep,
beep,
beep, beep, you hear..

[coughing]

See? That's a lot less
annoying, right?

Will, I am not interested

in any of your hare-brained
get-rich-quick schemes.

Okay, okay.
Uncle Phil, now listen.

This new idea is not stupid. And
I do not wanna get rich quick.

I just wanna be a married man
who's responsible and realistic.

And I need to do it in
two weeks.

Two weeks, Will?

You know,
two days would be even better.

If you have an idea
you want me to take
seriously

then you have to present it
to
me in a well-thought-out

professional manner.

You know, beat by beat.

[instrumental music]

Mm-mm-mm.

Little Lance Ito.
Who'd have thought it?

[knock on door]

[grunts]

- Come in.
- Hey, hey. Hey, look.

Hey, dude.
I'm only gonna say this once.

Get off me.

I'm only gonna
say this twice.

Your Honor, these gentlemen
claim to know you.

You want me to throw 'em
in the lockup?

- Oh, would you?
- Hey, Uncle Phil.

Oh, alright, alright, alright.
Thank you, Kevin.

- Get off me, Kevin.
- 'What do you two want?'

'I'm a judge and I'm in the
middle of making'

a very crucial decision
here.

Uh, go with the original,
Uncle Phil.

Extra crispy is overrated.

- Get out. Out.
- Alright, alright.

Is it worth five minutes
of your day

to hear the investment
opportunity of a lifetime?

- No.
- I'll take it as a yes.

Hit it, Jazz.

[instrumental music]

Uncle Phil, man..

How would you like to live
in an island paradise?

You expect me to buy an island?

Oh, no, man.

I expect you to retire
there.

Boom!

Oh.

Look at this, man.

The sun from your melon
be blinding the little children.

'Blee-bah-bah!'

Get to the point!

Okay, okay.
Alright, okay.

Uncle Phil, all we're saying is
all this could be yours

if you invest in this.

- 'An apartment building?'
- 'No, no, no.'

This isn't just an apartment
building, Uncle Phil. This is..

Tu-tu-ru-ru..

- Chalet Towers.
- Uh-huh.

I don't think I'm interested.

Well, Jazz lives here,
Uncle Phil.

Oh, that's very different.

- I know I'm not interested.
- Oh, come on.

I don't want our cozy abode
turned into a strip mall.

I lived in a strip mall,
Mr. Banks.

And I sure I don't need to tell
you how hard it is

to take a bath
in the men's room sink.

- Bailiff!
- 'Oh, okay.'

Alright, look, Uncle Phil.

If you will just look
at the figures.

Just please look.
Look. I'm telling you.

The current owner has to
sell quick.

We can make a killing on this.

Is the floorshow over yet?

I get the feeling you're not
taking me seriously, Uncle Phil.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Whoopi.

But I can assure you that
Donald Trump

does not negotiate
business deals

playing a ukulele
and wearing a Bullwinkle hat.

Okay, okay. Point well taken,
Uncle Phil. But facts are facts.

And if you just look at the
figures, I'll leave.

Okay, I'll look.

Okay, I'm looking.

I'm looking.

I looked, now leave.

[instrumental music]

"Dear big guy,
I got really excited

"when this crossed my desk.

Take a look-see. Carlton."

Yeah.

Hey, I wasn't doing nothing.
Hey.

Hello, Master William.

- Danish?
- Only on my mother's side.

- Hey, Uncle Phil.
- Good morning, Will.

Morning.
Carlton left something.

He wants you-he wants you to
read. He wants you to read it.

Looks like Carlton worked up
a proposal of his own.

Oh, yeah. He be proposing stuff,
you know.

- Ah. Mmm. Mm-mm.
- Mm-mm.

This is impressive.

Yeah. Now this is how you
put
together a presentation.

You see how he's organized
all the facts and figures here?

Yeah. Some of these figures
look pretty good.

Mm. You just like that piechart
in there, don't you?

Yeah, well, you can joke
if you want to

but I wouldn't mind taking a big
bite out of this pie.

So, you mean, you like this
presentation, Uncle Phil?

- I certainly do.
- Oh. Hey, I'm sorry, son.

It's just that, you know, well,
this is where Carlton shines.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know..

My presentation was nothing
compared to this.

Oh, get the..

Oh, wait a minute.

This is my presentation.

- Look. What that say there?
- "Presented by Will Smith."

Oh, that what it says?

You know, it's amazing
because just last night

you were saying
how stupid this was.

You know, it must have morphed.

Yeah, well, you know.

See, I really flipped through it

rather quickly, you know,
and-and--

You know, you backpedal
any faster, Uncle Phil

you're gonna moonwalk
right through that wall.

So you want me to take
a chance on you, huh?

No, I want you to give me
a chance, Uncle Phil.

Listen, I'm really serious
about this.

I'm not asking for a handout.

You're gonna make a bundle
on this deal too.

Okay, son. I'll have my
accountant check it out.

Uh, whoa, hold it, hold it.
Little problem, little problem.

Got a little time problem here.

Uncle Phil,
this place is gonna go fast.

Look, just give me the five
percent, let me put it down.

I mean, you spend more than that
on Milk Duds.

You know, in the course of
a year. You know..

You know, Will, you backpedal
pretty well yourself.

I think you got yourself a deal.

I'll call a real estate agent
as soon as they open.

Alright. Thanks a lot,
Uncle Phil.

You're welcome.

- Alright.
- Let go of my hand.

- Thank you. Okay.
- Whoo!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Congratulations.

We closed escrow at 5:00
this evening.

- Really, Uncle Phil? Alright.
- We are gonna make a bundle.

Excuse me,
but someone's in trouble.

That's more like it. Ha-ha.
He's right over here, officer.

- Philip Banks?
- I'm Philip Banks.

It's been a pleasure
serving you.

- Well, what is it, big guy?
- Well..

Apparently,
I'm the owner of housing

that has substandard living
conditions.

I told you to get
a big-screen TV.

Not this house.
Chalet Towers.

The tenants have filed
a civil suit against me.

What does that mean?

It means that I'm a slumlord

thanks to Will.

[coughing]

Excuse me, my beeper.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[Phil coughs]

Whoo.

Aw, man, I don't know what all
these complaints is about.

This place ain't that bad.

Find something nice to say
about that.

I think I killed a rat.

Well, that's enough, you two.
We got a long day ahead of us.

Gotta meet with the tenants
and get some repairmen up here.

You know, dad, if it wasn't for
Will you would never have had

to set foot in this hell-hole.

Hey, don't worry about me, son.

Remember, I wasn't born rich.

I know how to rough it.

Could someone grab
the cappuccino maker?

- Got it, G.
- Thank you, Master William.

Well, Uncle Phil, the only way
it could get rough now

is if Geoffrey forgot
your croissants.

Would you just set things up?

I'd like to get this mess
cleaned up

before the word gets out.

Too late, big guy.

The slumlord allegations
made the morning paper.

Good Lord,
some unscrupulous person

must have tipped off the
press
for a tidy sum.

Oh, this is just great.
Just great.

Oh, hey. Hey, man.

Come on, Uncle Phil, let's look
at the bright side here. Eh?

Now our little penthouse

got central air.

Whoosh.

Ventilation.

Oh, yeah. That will have the
tenants just flocking in.

And so will this.

[crunching]

You allow pets.

Good Lord, who knows
what kind of vermin are in here?

How do?

I don't have time for you, Jazz.

I have to meet with the head of
the tenants association.

Okay. But before I go,
this'll make you laugh.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

The head of the tenants
association. That's me.

But wait a minute.

Jazz, you mean you're the person
that's suing my uncle?

Man, what were you
thinking about?

I'm just trying to protect
your investment.

After you guys put a couple
of
million dollars in this place

it'll be worth thousands.

Can I see the list of
complaints, please?

"Somebody keep making them
damn Chevy Chase movies.

Dude in apartment 3G
keep calling me sugar drawers."

Complaints about
the building, Jazz.

I think they kick in
right here, Uncle Phil.

"Sticky stuff on the stairs
tastes bitter."

Oh, my God, let me see this.

I only have seven days to bring
every violation up to code

and look at all of these.

Look, Uncle Phil, you want me to
start calling repairmen?

No, Will, he wants you to
call the idiot

who keeps greenlighting
all those Chevy Chase
movies.

Carlton, let's get a move on.

While Will's calling,
we'll check everything out

and we might as well start from
the roof, work our way down.

- Right behind you, big guy.
- Oh, I bet you are, Carlton.

Because you can't kiss
his butt from here.

Good one, Master William.

[laughing]

Oh, well, look at this.

A cracked mirror,
peeling paint.

Come on, all this stuff
is cosmetic.

I still think we got ourselves
a sound investment here.

(Carlton)
'Dad, come over here.'

'What kind of idiot
would patch the roof'

'with newspaper?'

[Phil screaming]

[crashes]

[instrumental music]

What took you so long?

And what's up
with the carpenters?

Oh, didn't you hear?

Their new hits collection
comes out next week.

Oh. Well, jeez Louise..

We better rush down
and wait in line right now.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Hey, are you having
fun with me?

Very little.

Half of our workers
didn't show up

and we are not exactly
professionals.

We got a ton of work to do

and we got less than four
days
to do it in.

What's this "We" business?

I'm here for one reason only.
To protect dad's investment.

Oh, yeah, and if your dad
gets
sued for everything he got

who's gonna protect you?

- Let me at it.
- Alright. Hey, look, look.

Just hold the flashlight
into
the fuse box so I can see.

Please? Thank you.

Hey, look at this.

- What? What do you see?
- Bunny rabbit.

Look. An American eagle
with one wing.

Stop it, Carlton.

Now, put it back in the fuse
box, please. This is dangerous.

Not if you know how to read.

Look, it says touch here.

- Cool.
- But wait. There's more.

"A town risk."

What the heck does that mean?
"A town risk."

[screaming]

Oh, at own risk. Sorry.

[electricity crackling]

[instrumental music]

♪ One can have a dream baby ♪

♪ Two can make a dream so real ♪

♪ One can wish upon a star ♪

♪ Two can make that wish
come true yeah ♪

♪ One can stand alone
in the dark ♪

♪ Two can make the light
shine through ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ Me and you ♪

♪ Just takes two ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ Make a dream come true ♪

♪ Just takes two ♪

♪ One can have a broken heart
living in misery ♪

♪ Two can really ease the pain
like the perfect remedy ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ It takes two baby ♪

♪ Me and you.. ♪

[grunts]

So how are you two doing?

Not bad, all things considered.

In fact, this week was
kind of invigorating.

Which reminds me,
I think I'm gonna go freshen up.

I think I saw a hydrant
on the corner

and now I know
how to use a wrench.

[Phil laughing]

What the heck is he
so happy about?

This thing was a disaster.

Oh, no. Will.
This-this place looks, uh..

Like hell?

Hell looks a lot better
than this, I hope.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, since all the repairmen

didn't show up they gave me
a week's extension.

So come on. Let's go.

You've been working
night and day.

Come on, you've done your best.

Yeah, I did my best
and look what happened.

I don't even know why Lisa
wants to marry me.

Well, you got me there.

You know, you used to be
a lot better

at these little talks,
Uncle Phil.

I'm scared, man.

I mean, what if I never
get my life together?

You know, Will, I really did not
wanna have to go here

but you're just gonna
make me do it, huh?

Hey, man, don't you think
I'm a little old for a spanking?

You know, of all the kids

you give me the most grief.

But you know what?

You are the one
that I never worry about.

You mean that, Uncle Phil?

Yeah.
Just don't tell anybody.

Hey, wait, wait. Hey, man,
I've got to tell Carlton.

Look, I can catch him.
Can I tell Carlton?

No, come on.
Just let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, um..

[sighs]

Look, Uncle Phil, man, um,
you know, I just wanted..

I wanna say, you know, because..

Yeah, uh..
Yeah, sure. Me too.

You know? You know.
You know, what I mean, right?

Yeah. Mm-hm. Sure.

And they say guys can't express
their true feelings.

You know what I'm saying?
Hah, hah.

That's ridiculous,
isn't it?

[both laughing]

Ouch.

Okay, let's go.

Look, I love you, Uncle Phil.

Let's jet.

Oh, "Let's jet." That was hip.
Did you hurt yourself?

Hey, Mr. Banks, um..

- I just wanted to say--
- Oh, that's okay, Jazz.

- You don't have to thank me.
- Thank you?

Damn, a coat of paint
in a roach motel

and you're all over yourself.

- I came to make you an offer.
- Offer?

Yeah, an offer
to withhold my rent

until I can come up with it.

Not on your life.

Very well, then.

Thank you for considering
my proposal.

Have a nice day.

[stairs creaking]

Hey, landlord.

Do I detect a hazardous
stairwell?

Aah!

[crashes]

Ooh. My God.

Uh, that's okay,
Uncle Phil.

His rent check would have
bounced too.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪