The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 9 - Cased Up - full transcript

(Philip)
'Honey, I'll be back
in a minute.'

'I'm gonna go get a snack.'

Man, quick, Jazz.
Hide, man.

Aw, man, I thought you said

your uncle was asleep.

He was. He must've had
that reoccurring nightmare

where he misses a meal.

Son, what are you doin' still
up? It's a school night.

Um, uh..
Homework, Uncle Phil.

I'm watchin'
a television program

on farm practices
in the Midwest.



Oh, look, Arnold the pig is
wearing Eddie Albert's pajamas.

Oh, yeah.
I've seen that one.

Turn it off.
Go to bed.

[sniffing]

What is that smell?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
I thought I was alone.

No, no.
I don't mean that.

It smells like cheap cologne
and fried chicken.

(Jazz)
I resent that.

Oops.

Aah!

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪



♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Got to shake 'em,
not tryin' to break 'em.

Let's go.
Looking fo' little jo.

Everybody screams when
deuce deuce hits the flo'.

There. Right where
you belong, in jail.

Hey, Aunt Viv,
can I borrow some money

for protection while
I'm in the slammer?

I am kind of cute, you know?

Sorry, baby.
The rent just went up.

And I am moving on up
to park place. My turn.

Lookin' fo' little jo!

Mama's gonna buy
a new Gucci bag from the
sto'!

We're home, everybody.

Uh, good evening,
Mrs. Banks, Mr. Banks.

Uh, how wonderful
it is to see

the whole family
spending time together.

I thought that only happened
on "The Cosby Show."

Well, Eric, son,
you're back early.

Oh, well, you know me, sir.

I wouldn't want to, uh

violate your curfew.

It ain't his curfew
he worried about you violatin'.

Hey, you must be Carlton.

Wow, your father
really speaks highly

of all of you
at the law firm.

No, no, no, my man.
I'm Will.

Who?

So, then, Eric, did you two
have a nice time at dinner?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

The restaurant Mr. Banks
recommended was excellent.

The view was magnificent

and, of course,
it was only enhanced

by your beautiful daughter.

[giggles]

Oh, and I can definitely see
where she gets her looks from.

[both giggle]

Man, see, I thought
yousucked up.

You're just a dust buster
compared to that dude.

Oh, yeah? When I'm his age,
I'll be twice the suck-up.

Eric, I don't know what it is

but you look a little
different this evening.

I made him take off
those tired glasses.

Well, she thinks I look like
Blair Underwood without them.

Obviously, Hilary the one
that need the glasses.

Um, I brought a video home.
Would anybody care to watch?

Great, dad.
I hope it's a James Bond film.

Close.
It's Banks. Philip Banks.

When I won the Markus vs.
State of Californiacase.

Um, honey, uh, I-I'm sorry,
but I'd love to watch

but I have to, uh,
balance my checkbook.

Uh, not without your banker.

I'd watch it with you, but..

...I don't want to.

Well, I guess that just
leaves you and me, Mr. Banks.

Now, from what I studied
about the case in law school

you were brilliant.

Yeah. I was quite
a litigator in those days.

Now it's a rare thing.

[giggles]

So, uh, Hilary

has Eric shown you
his legal briefs?

I don't like that guy.

He's a pompous
preppie suck-up.

He reminds me of someone.

I happen to like him.

He knows how to treat
a woman with respect.

Yeah, that reminds me,
I need a back seat

for my date tomorrow night.

Which means I'm gonna need
the car. So give me the keys.

Tough luck, Will.

I have a meeting
with my debate team.

Sorry, Carlton,
but I have to buy a dress.

Hold on, Hilary,
that's not fair

the way you keep
hogging the car.

Okay, okay,
I'll compromise with you
guys.

Let's play
rock-paper-scissors.

No, no. Let's play three
stooges. "Hey, Moe.."

Come on, guys.
Alright, you ready?

Ready, set, shoot.

Well, scissors
cut paper, Will.

Well, rock breaks
your scissors, Carlton.

- Wait. Hold it, hold it..
- No, no, no.

You lost, fair
and square, Will.

Looks like you're outta
luck.

Carlton, I'll drop you off.

Wait, y'all. Now, hold it.

Don't paper get nothing?

Paper gets to ride his bike.

[Naughty By Nature
singing O.P.P]

What is that?

Vivian, I think
it's the big one.

Not unless
he's down with "O.P.P."

Yeah, you know me!

♪ O.P.P. how can I explain it ♪

♪ I'll take you
frame by frame it ♪

♪ To have y'all jumpin'
shall we singin' it.. ♪

Surprise!

[music stops]

You've heard of the Batmobile.

Get a load of the rap-mobile.

I have never seen
so much trash in one car.

Yo..

...who cut the..

Oh. Mr. Banks.

Sorry, I didn't see you..

...as hard as
that is to believe.

Will, where did you
get this car?

Uh, I bought it, Aunt Viv.

With money I saved
from my allowance

and my part-time job
at the restaurant.

But did you get insurance?

Um, hey, check this out,
Uncle Phil.

I got this fly stereo system.

Did you get insurance?

Um, all this stuff
that I got in the car

I got from Jazz's connection
at the Pep Boys.

His mom used to date 'em.

But did you get insurance?

Uh, no, but I got this real fly
Malcolm X air freshener.

Until I see some
insurance papers

you're not drivin' this car.

In fact, what kind of idiot

would sell a car
without insurance?

I resent that.

Ah, the joke's on you,
Mr. Banks.

You can't throw me out.

'Cause I'm already outside.

Aah!

Sweetheart,
you look so delicious

without those glasses.

Would you take them off
for your little Hilary?

Not you, fool.

Can we please have
some privacy?

First things first.

You're supposed
to be my woman.

I'd like an explanation,
if you please.

Okay, well, I'm Eric.
How you doin'?

Okay.

[sniffing]

Suddenly I'm hungry
for some fried chicken.

Come on, Hilary.
Let's get somethin' to eat.

Wait, wait,
hold up, my brother.

You got this in reverse, man.

You already got her
on the couch. Save your
money.

Let me grab my wrap.

What about my wrap?

Man, Jazz,
I-I can't believe this.

The malls are closing
in 15 minutes

the bus stop's
gonna be packed with honeys

and the rap-mobile
is on ice.

How Uncle Phil gonna play me?

Hilary a ignorant somebody.

She ain't even called me
to tell me she quit me.

I deserve that much.
I'm a man.

I mean, that's what I'm sayin'.
I'm a man, too.

Mm, but Uncle Phil
is an extremely bigger man.

Two can play that game.

Hey, I got an idea.
The malls are closin'.

Let's cruise down in your
new
ride and pick up some
honeys.

Hold up, hold up.
Are you tellin' me

that I should disobey my uncle

and do somethin' that he
specifically told me not to do?

Won't be the first time.
Posse out.

A wise butler sees nothing,
hears nothing

and takes detailed notes
for his book.

[horn honks]

[crash]

Ah, another chapter.

Damn, Eric. Didn't you see me
backin' out the driveway?

Oh, I don't believe this.

Your piece of junk just
backed into the custom
fender

of a $35,000 automobile,
pal.

You're gonna have to
turn in a lot

of soda cans
to pay for that.

Hey, I got a whole living room
full of soda cans.

Oh, man.
I don't believe this.

Look it, man. This thing
used to say "Cold chillin'."

Now it say "Old chilli."

Look, what's the name
of your insurance company?

Yo fault.

Hey, look, I don't have
none,
and I don't need none

'cause it's yo fault.

Look, Hilary, can I
use your phone, please?

Yeah. Go ahead.

And it better be
a local call, too.

[both laughing]

Uh, excuse me,
Mr. and Mrs. Banks.

Mr. Banks, I have a little
problem. I need some advice.

I'll meet you upstairs,
pookie-pooh.

Alright, son.
Make it quick.

Um, sir, what would you do

if you got into a, uh,
fender bender

with an acquaintance
who is uninsured

and refuses
to pay for damages?

Eric, you're a lawyer,
and as a lawyer

you can't let personal feelings
enter into it.

Now, anybody
who drives a car

without insurance
deserves a lesson.

I suggest you
take him to court

and let justice prevail.

Well, thank you, sir.

Daddy--

Hey, Hilary,
don't worry about it.

It's all settled, sweetheart.

Will, I'll see you
in court.

Court? Huh. There's a ball
and a hoop out back.

We can go now, sucker.

[whistling]

Still hidin' from dad, huh?

Look, man.
I am not hidin', alright?

I bought a car, I drove
a car and I had a wreck.

So what? I'll tell
Uncle Phil that to his face.

Oh, hi, dad.

Oh, no, that's extremely
creative, Carlton.

Look behind you.
There's dad.

Ooh.
Ooooh!

I sure hope Luther Vandross
is in the house.

[clears throat]
Mr. Marshal.

Statemarshal.

I-I guess you're lookin'
for Will Smith.

There he is, my man.
Right there.

I'm looking for Philip Banks.

I'm Philip Banks.

Sir, this is a subpoena.

Could you, uh,
sign right here, please?

Have a nice day.

[chuckles]

I can't believe this.

Eric is taking me to court.

- Can he do that?
- Well, Will is a minor.

I am his legal guardian.

Hold up, hold up, hold up,
Wait. Let me get this straight.

I buy a car,
I don't get insurance

I get in a wreck,
and you get sued?

That's right, Will.

Man, works for me.

[dramatic music]

Jazz, man, what are you
tryin' to pull?

Ten thousand a year
for life.

You know what? I don't think
it's quite tight enough.

Okay, okay, okay.

But you can't blame me
for my entrepreneurial
spirit.

- Banks, party of six, please.
- Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I see they've
already been seated.

Sorry. When I realized I'd have
to raise my right hand

I stopped to buy gloves.

Could you just die?

Why, hello, everyone.
Heh-heh.

Nice day, isn't it?

I don't have to answer that.

Well, Mr. Banks, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.

Heh-heh-heh. Son, I'm not
the
one who's going to need
luck.

I'm not only going to win

I'm gonna chew you up
and spit you out.

I seen him do
a lot of chewin'

but I ain't never seen him
spit nothin' out.

All rise.

Division 43 of the Los Angeles

Municipal Court
is now in session.

The Honorable
Harry Wilson presiding.

Be seated.
Let's see.

Case number 3005,
"Sanders vs. Banks."

Says here, "The defendant
Will Smith

"allegedly sideswiped
the plaintiff Eric Sanders

at the home of Philip Banks."

Home.

Must be nice.

My wife took mine
in our divorce settlement.

I hate her. I hate her!
I hate her! I hate her!

Well, then, Mr. Sanders

would you like to
approach the bench

and give us your
opening statement?

Uh, yes, Your Honor.

And, uh, by the way

I am deeply sorry
about your domestic
situation.

[blowing a kiss]

Your Honor, I was backing
out of the Banks' driveway

when I heard loud,
obnoxious music

of the rap persuasion.

The next thing I knew

Will Smith recklessly
sideswiped

my sole means
of transportation.

(Philip)
I object, Your Honor.

Yes, Your Honor, I object.

This man is
badgering the witness.

Young man,
there is no witness.

I-I know. I-I've just
always wanted to say that.

I object because
the volume of the stereo

has absolutely no bearing
on my client's ability

to operate a vehicle.

Objection sustained.

Uh, Mr. Sanders,
how much are you suing for?

Twenty-five hundred dollars
in damages.

Would the defense like
to make an opening statement?

No, Your Honor.

I'd like to call
my first witness

Will Smith.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth

and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?

I do,
and I categorically deny

all the charges
against me.

This is something that's been
drummed up by the Democrats!

My fault.
Little too much CNN.

Mr. Smith, could you tell us

in your own words
what happened?

Yeah. Well, peep this,
your J-ship.

Me and Jazz was about
to cruise down to the mall

in the honey wagon,
you know, so we could

pack it up with some honeys.

So I popped a little
Peabo in the Pioneer

checked my pocket
for my binaca.

Hey, 'cause, you know, fresh
breath can make the difference

between gettin' a honey's number
and gettin' flipped the bird.

A honey flipped me the bird
at the bus stop this
morning.

That's the most action
I've had in six months.

Yo, you were saying something,
Mr. Smith.

Yes, so I checked
my rear-view mirror

and no sooner
did I accelerate

than out of nowhere
the plaintiff

this seer sucking
Brooks brother over here

came barreling out of nowhere
and bashed right into me.

Anything else,
Mr. Smith?

Uh, yeah. Keep hope alive.
You are somebody.

Thank you.

You can put your
hands down, Jazz.

No way.
Dude's got a gun.

Next thing you know, I got six
warning shots in my back.

Jazz.

Okay.

I'm putting
my hands down..

...now.

Jazz, could you give us
your account?

Can't.
They closed my account.

They said I was allegedly
writin' bad checks.

I don't know what they
talking about.

Those checks was
perfectly legible.

Your Honor, I'd like to call
Hilary Banks to the stand.

Now, were there
mitigating circumstances

that facilitated
the perpetrator

to commit any malfeasance?

Well, I wouldn't put it
in those words exactly.

Well, why not?

Because I don't know
what they mean.

All I remember was
loud music

and something that smelled like

cheap cologne
and fried chicken.

Loud music?

Loud enough to drown out
the sound of my horn, Ms. Banks?

Yes.

You see, Your Honor

if my own passenger
cannot hear my horn

then it was impossible
for Will Smith to hear it

which is why my numerous
warnings went unheeded

and he continued
to accelerate.

That and that alone,
Your Honor

caused the extensive damage
to my honey wagon.

I mean my car, sir.

Would you like to
cross-examine, Mr. Banks?

Yes, Your Honor.

- Ms. Banks.
- Daddy.

Do you mind if I ask
what Mr. Sanders was wearing

the night of the accident?

Eric was wearing his fabulous

stonewashed Girbaud jeans

that I picked out,
of course.

Um, a Hugo Boss shirt

and leather boots.

- And on his face?
- Nothing.

Oh, you mean,
those awful glasses? Oh, no.

I made him take those off
before we left the house.

So, you're saying
that Mr. Sanders was not

wearing his glasses

even though this Photostat
of his license

clearly states
that he should wear them

at all times
while operating a vehicle.

Oopsie.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Case dismissed.

Alright!

Hey, yo, yo,
your J-ship.

Uh, my number's in your
file.
Get with me sometime.

Peace out.

Well, congratulations,
Mr. Banks.

Aw. Don't congratulate me,
son.

You did an excellent job.

You're gonna be
a great lawyer someday

and bringing up that
stereo volume issue

was excellent strategy.

Well, thank you very much

but it was clearly no match

for your
glasses defense, sir.

Well, why don't we discuss
that over dinner tonight?

- We'd love to have you.
- Well, sure.

Yo, man, um..

...I guess if Uncle Phil

can be a big man about this

so can I.

Of course, it's a lot
easier for him.

Well, I guess we both
got off on the wrong foot.

- No hard feelings?
- No hard feelings, man.

[instrumental music]

Ready, set, shoot!

- Well, paper, uh..
- Hah!

Ready, set, shoot!

Well, scissors
cut paper, Will.

Well, rock breaks
your sciss..

Well, rock breaks
your scissors, Carlton.

Wait. Hold it, hold it,
hold it.

There's no-no! Ha!

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!