The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 8 - She Ain't Heavy - full transcript

(Vivian)
'Ah! Ugh!'

I can't feel it yet, Philip.

(Philip)
Move a little
to the right, baby.

I'm about to go downstairs
to the family room.

Gee, I hope there ain't
nobody down there gettin' busy.

Will, your aunt thought her
earring rolled under the couch.

Look, man, y'all married,
where y'all put y'all earrings

is y'all business.

- What do you want, Will?
- Y'all them two Lakers tickets.

You promised me.
I'm taking Jazz.

[chuckles]
No, you're not.



I'm giving the other one
to one of my client's daughters.

Oh, I get it. I get it. I get
it. This is a setup, right?

Hey, come on, Uncle Phil,
no way. I can't let my man down.

They're floor seats,
center court.

You know, come to think of it,
I don't even know

if Jazz like basketball.

Oh, don't try to move the couch,
Philip. Just forget the earring.

- I can't.
- Why not?

Because I can't stand up.

In theory, that probably means

that you can't run, either,
right?

Which probably makes this
a pretty good time to tell you

that, um, I wore that earring
to school today.

Get him, Vivian.



[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

Well, Geoffrey, it looks
like

I'm all ready
for the harvest dance.

Tux, check, shoes, check

and a pure silk,
hand-stitched pocket square.

[gasps]
Exquisite.

Hm.

Man. Yo, this is definitely
peach season, man.

[blowing nose]

Will, that's disgusting!

What?

Could you please clean this
for me, Geoffrey?

I would prefer
an assassin's bullet

to this kind of living hell.

Yo, I think G's drawers
must be bunchin' again.

So have you got a date
to the dance yet?

I will when I call Claudia.

Claudia? As in head cheerleader?

Why don't you just ask
Sinead O'Connor?

I did, but she had
to wash her hair.

[doorbell ringing]

That's probably your date
to the Lakers game.

Why don't you just take her
to the dance?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
First of all, it's not a date.

She's comin' to pick up
her ticket

and then she's gonna go.

Man, I'm not down
with that blind-date stuff.

Every time they get here,
they look like...

Yo, man. Where's my date?

Ms. Denise Williams.

Hi. I'm Dee Dee.

I can't believe
we got center court

floor seats to the Lakers game.

That's my team. I know they're
gonna kick butt tonight.

Don't you think?

Hello? I know
they don't walk in LA.

But I at least hoped
they talked.

I'm-I'm Will,
and this is my cousin, Carlton.

Hi.

Can you do that and walk
at the same time?

That's darn clever.

So, Dee Dee, uh,
what school do you go to?

- Well, I just moved--
- Uh, listen, Dee Dee..

You know what, I don't think
I'm gonna be able

to take you to that game,
right, see

'cause I got
all this stuff piled

in my car, it probably

wouldn't be enough room for you.

I mean, I mean, I mean,
not just you, um, anybody.

- What are you talking about?
- Um..

Our, uh, our blind date
to the game.

Blind date?
No, see, I don't do blind dates.

I mean, you think
it's gonna be Mr. Right

and then it ends up
being some tall, skinny guy

with big ears and weird clothes.

I mean, not just you, anybody.

[Carlton chuckles]

Well, lo-look, here you go.
Here's your ticket.

Um, hey, maybe I'll see you
at the game.

You probably will.

I'll be the one
in the seat next to you

shouting my phone number
to Magic Johnson.

Bye, Carlton.
I'll see you later.

I hope Magic ate his
Wheaties.

[instrumental music]

Okay, here are the files
you asked for, sweetheart.

Thank you. Um, I need a copy
of the Richburg merger.

And find out if we got
a continuance on the Seger case.

Philip, I am tired of this.

You're just lying on your back
giving orders

and I'm doing all the work.

Why does this seem so familiar?

Well, I-I'm sorry.

I was just trying
to get a little work done.

Philip, Dr. Black said

the best thing
for you to do is rest.

Now if you need anything
else,
use the intercom.

- Ruff!
- Oh..

- Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil?
- Hey. Unh.

Hey, yo, the game was live, man.

- The Sixers crushed the Lakers.
- Uh..

I never heard so much
rough language in my life.

- Was Dee Dee offended?
- No.

Only when they told her
to shut up.

Well, you know, Dee Dee
is real cool, though, man.

She's gonna come over tomorrow.
We gonna listen to some tapes.

Uh-huh, sounds like
you two are gettin' along.

Why don't you ask her
to the dance?

[laughing]

You're-you're clowning me,
right, Uncle Phil?

- Oh..
- No, look, man.

I'm tellin', you know, Dee
Dee

is real down and everything

but you know how it would be
to take somebody

to the dance that's real big.

On sports. You big.. Yeah.

Well, look, I already asked
Claudia anyway, um, almost.

'Oh.'

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.

- I came to keep you company.
- Oh..

- Where's the remote?
- Ow. Darling.

There's nothing on TV to
stimulate the intelligent mind.

Oh, Uncle Phil,
you must be trippin', man.

This is the episode
of "Star Trek"

where Captain Kirk
sleeps with that green girl.

Will, that is such
worthless drivel.

Oh, look!
The home shopper's channel.

(man on TV)
'So with the sandwich king,
all you need'

'is two pieces of white bread'

'and a can of delicious chili.'

'And in less than a minute'

'you have
a mouth-watering chili pocket.'

'You gourmets may wanna squirt
a little cheese on top.'

Yuck, man, I ain't heard
nothing that disgusting

since Clarence Thomas
found that hair on his cola.

[instrumental music]

(Dee Dee)
'Look, Will, you are entitled
to your opinion'

but the best movie ever made
was not "Cleopatra Jones."

- It was "Casablanca."
- Oh, please!

Here you have a movie
set in Africa.

There's only one brother
in the whole thing

and he from Detroit.

Okay, okay, okay, but you know
a movie I really like?

- 'What?'
- "Shaft."

Shut your mouth.

I'm talking about "Shaft."

Then we can dig it.

He's a complicated man

but no one understands him
but his woman.

John Shaft.

Thanks a lot, G.

- Ha!
- Ha!

[laughing]

Hey. What's up, G?
You don't think that's
funny?

Oh, yes. I'm about
to laugh myself into a seizure.

This is just fine and dandy.
The cleaners shrunk my tux.

Oh, Carlton, man, you can wear
that, just put it on and say

"Boss, da plane, da plane!"

Why don't you just rent a tux?

[scoffs]
Oh, great. Wear used clothes.

Why don't I just go
pitch a tent under a freeway

and eat cold beans with a stick?

It's-it's just a dance!

But I heard
the music is gonna be
bumpin'.

It's probably gonna be
a lot of fun.

- Yeah. But--
- Hm.

But you know, I mean, I've-I've,
uh, I've already asked Claudia.

- Almost.
- Oh, yeah. Right. Cool.

Well, you know, see,
I'm-I'm still trying

to get my rap together.
I got as far as..

♪ Yo yo baby yo baby yo ♪

Look, I don't mean to butt in,
but I'm sure her name is not yo

and I know
she ain't got your baby.

I mean, why don't you try
somethin' more honest like..

"I think you're great.

I'd be honored if you'd go
to the dance with me."

Honest. Damn, what a concept.
You know, thank you.

See, you know what? Most women
won't tell you stuff like that.

That's cool, you know..

No, really. You're different.

You know, I mean,
you're not afraid

to just say what you think,
you know

or-or do something silly
or-or, you know, just bug out.

That's decent.

I mean, you-you make me feel so,
man, I don't know.

You're just, you're so..

...so hungry.

Hungry is what you make me feel.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Oh, I-I could go
for a nacho refill, right? Yeah?

Um, right,
I'mma, I'mma make this call

to Claudia first, though,
right, you know?

I mean, I don't wanna forget
what you said.

Honest, right?

Honest...

[instrumental music]

There is a hex on me,
all the tuxes

that are halfway acceptable
in this town have been
rented.

My shoes, which I put outside
for a final Scotch-guarding

were carried off
by a Labrador retriever.

What else could go wrong?

How about that big old zit
on your nose?

Aah.

Hey, look, I'm finished
with my hoagie, Aunt Viv.

I'mma go meet Dee Dee
for a pizza.

Dee Dee? Oh, is that who
you're taking to the dance?

Oh, no, no, no, Aunt Viv.

See, it's not like that
with me and Dee Dee.

We're just buddies.

I'm going with Claudia Prescott.

Mm! That girl built
to take all my money.

Hm, I like Dee Dee. She's fun.

And she's cute, but I'm worried
about her cholesterol level.

- Alright, I'll see y'all later.
- 'Okay.'

- My man Will.
- 'Ah, Ty.'

- What's up, baby?
- What up, man?

Uh, Dee Dee, I'd like you
to meet my friend, Ty.

Oh, my sister, how you doin'?

Alright, Will, check it out.
Let me go grab my order pad.

- And I'll hook y'all up.
- Alright, baby.

Yo, bro!

Kellogg Lieberbaum, yo.

This is my man, cornflake.

Will, aren't you gonna
introduce us to your date?

Uh, this is my friend,Dee Dee.

And, Dee Dee,
meet the brat pack.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, excuse me while I go to, uh

to, um..

Oh, hell,
I'm going to the bathroom.

Good work, bro.
She's quite a fly sister.

Yeah, and I bet
she's tons of fun.

Hey, you know what,
as a matter of fact, she is.

Hey, good honey is hard to find.

Of course, uh, that one
would be hard to lose.

[laughing]

Uh, cornflake, remind me to talk
about them guys' mothers

when we get to school on Monday.

Yo, um, Ty, give me
a large pepperoni and two colas.

Uh-huh, so we got your date
covered. What you havin'?

[laughs]

Hey, look, Ty, come on,
please. Don't even start.

- That is my friend! That's it.
- 'Well..'

Alright, alright, alright,
cool out, man, you know

'cause it ain't my fault
the babe's got more buns

than a day-old bakery.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Oh, now hold on, hold on,
hold on.

- Now how you trying to play me?
- 'Nah, I..'

'Now, you've seen the honeys
that I had up in here.'

That's right, I can't figure out

how a brother goes from
T-bone to rump roast.

- That's all.
- Man, give me some credit, man.

That girl was not my girlfriend.

I'm not your friend, either.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Dee Dee. Hey, this is Will.
Pick up that phone, girl.

Hey, Dee Dee, I ain't playin',
pick up the phone.

Hey, Dee Dee, if you don't
pick up that phone

I'm gonna have to

call you back.

And I ain't afraid
to do it, neither.

Look, Dee Dee, I'm sorry
about yesterday. I was trippin'.

I'll call you back later. Bye.

You know, I don't even know
why I'm making a big deal

about this.
She's not even my type.

Well, you like the same movies,
the same music

same food, same jokes

and you both enjoy
sticking straws up your noses.

I know, Aunt Viv,
but other than that

we don't have nothin' in common.

It's her weight, isn't it?

You may have noticed that
your Uncle Philip is overweight.

And you may also have noticed
that I could care less

and that I love him
very, very much.

Dad changed his mind. He doesn't
want a Belgian waffle.

He wants you to use
his new sandwich king

to make
a chili pocket sandwich.

I'll put some chili
in his pocket.

[telephone ringing]

Dee Dee?

Hold on.

It's for you, man.

Hello? Oh, hi, Kelly.

All ready for tomorrow
night's
bigsoiree?

What do you mean you can't
go?

What kind of medical reason?

A pimple?

Kelly, that's no reason
to stay home.

Look, I have a pimple.
Actually, I have two.

Hello?

That's it. My life is
cursed.

No tux, no shoes, no date.

Okay, okay, don't panic.

There's got to be someone
I can call.

But what kind of girl
is sitting home without a date

for a Saturday night? Oh!

[sighs]
A great girl.

[dance music]

So anyway,
Tiffany and Nikka and I

walk into the yacht club

and we're the only ones
in white.

So Tiffany says, "Oh, my God,
it's the day after Labor Day."

And we just all wanted to die.

And that's a true story.

Wow, have you sold
the movie rights yet?

I don't get it.

Oh, look,
here comes Carlton. Oh.

Come on in, sir.
You look cool, man.

(Carlton)
Well, maybe you're right.

I probably don't look as bad
as I think, huh?

No, you got a sort of
a, uh, Lou Rawls thing

goin' there, man.

Yes, Carlton,
you do look topnotch

I must say so. Honestly.

Will, if he sits with us,
I'm leaving.

Oh, Claudia, what are you
talkin' about? That's my cousin.

Ooh..

Well, it ain't like we brothers
or nothin'. Beat it, C.

Hey, Carlton.

Great minds think alike, huh?

I wonder if you could hang
yourself with a cummerbund.

(man on TV)
'Next to your faithful dog'

'this Prince Albert
pants presser'

'is a man's best friend.'

'For just 39.95'

'your creases will be
the talk of the town.'

Darn, that's what
I should have ordered

instead of that pinkie ring.

What is going on in here?

Oh, we're shopping
in the comfort of our home

and we're saving money, too.

How do they do it? Volume!

Philip, Dr. Black said
you should be resting.

I want everyone to leave.

- Bye, daddy.
- Bye, baby.

Last one to the family room pays

for all the shipping
and handling.

Philip, if you ever wanna
stand up straight again

you need some rest.

[sighs]
Okay, I'll just lay here
and do nothin'

flat on my back.

Philip,
I'm so sorry if I was..

...stupid enough to think
that there was something

really wrong with you!

Vivian, it's a miracle.

I can walk!

[instrumental music]

(male #1)
And then if you divide
the number of atoms

in a cubic centimeter of air

by the number of people
in this room

you get a prime number.

That is totally nifty.
Isn't it, Carlton?

So there we are, in a sailboat

in the middle of the lake,
and I look down

'and Nikka has on sandals
instead of deck shoes.'

I mean, can you just imagine
how I felt?

Yeah, like jammin' a fork
in your hand

you know, just to make sure
you're still alive.

Uh, no, but that's okay.

Look, I'm gonna go fix my hair.
Come on.

Cornflake, come on.
Come with me, man.

You push her in. I'll flush.

And I wonder what
Dee Dee is doin', man.

- She's dancing.
- What, how you know that?

Because she's right over there.

Hey, wait a minute,
she's supposed to be at home

not returning my phone calls.

[dance music]

Oh. Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Dee Dee.
What are you doing here?

And who's this?

I'm dancing. This is Robert.

Robert, this is Will.
We used to hang out.

Hi, Will.

I'm gonna go get us some punch.

Thank you.

Where you find him at,
rent-a-sucker?

Look, I'm on a date, Will.

You know, like,
when a guy who likes a girl

asks her out
and they go somewhere

and he still acts nice to her
when they get there?

You know, I dogo on dates.

Look, Dee Dee,
I just thought that--

You just thought
that 'cause I'm not

a size 6,
no one would ask me out.

Well, not everyone
feels like that.

I mean, that's just
your hang-up, isn't it?

Dee Dee, listen. I really
like you a lot, alright?

You really like being with me

as long as no one thinks
you're with me.

I mean, I'm sorry, but that's
just not good enough for me.

So that's when we realized that
we were the only ones in white

and we just all wanted to die.

You know what color
I really like?

Huh?

Strawberry! Ah-ha!

I don't get it.

And now that Beemer
runs like a top.

You know, I think that's really

ex-straw-dinary!

I don't get it.

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

♪ You may see a stranger ♪

♪You may see a stranger
across a crowded room ♪

♪ And somehow you know ♪

♪ You know even then ♪

♪ That somewhere
you'll see her again and again ♪

Wait, wait. Hold it, Dee
Dee.

Would you ever wear white
after Labor Day?

If I can button it
and it's clean

I'll pretty much wear anything.

My kind of honey.

♪ Someone may be laughing ♪

♪ You may hear her laughing
across a crowded room ♪♪

(Will)
'You know, Dee Dee, I never
thought I'd have you in bed'

'on the first night.'

(Dee Dee)
'Will, I can honestly say'

'this is the first time
I've ever done this.'

(man on TV)
'This clever device is not..'

I can't believe we didn't get in
on that Abdominizer.

Oh, that's because
you couldn't decide

between the chocolate gavel
and the picture

of the dogs playing poker.

Will you two be quiet?

I'm trying to hear
the musical toilet seat.

It's 12:01.
Thank God this day is over.

I look like
I escaped from the '70s.

I spent the whole night
with two guys

who consider
picking their faces a hobby.

And I got a flat tire
on the way home.

I just wanna sit down
and pretend this never happened.

And if one more thing
happens to me

I'm gonna kill myself.

[all screaming]

Other than that, man,
I mean, I like her.

(Philip)
'Mm..'

Besides, I've already
asked out Claudia!

- 'Too late.'
- Damn!

I can't believe
we got Lakers teats

center clort, floor.. Damn!

I would prefer
an assassin's bullet

to this kind of living hell.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[indistinct chatter]

(male #2)
That wasn't funny.