The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 5 - Granny Gets Busy - full transcript

(Ashley)
'It's Willsenio-o-o-o..'

'...Smith!'

Ah!

Ah!

Tonight,
on "The Willsenio Smith Show"

a boy making a videotape
for his mama.

Give it up for him.

[hooting]

Hi, mom, it's me.
You know, Aunt Viv told me

that you finally came into
the '90s, and you bought a VCR.

So I thought I'd make
a little tape for you.



Well, I've grown a little bit

since you've seen me,
about an inch and a half.

Oh! Check this out,
check this out.

I got some chest hairs now.
Look.

See? Digger one there.
Digger one..

Oh, that must have been
sweater lint.

Well, anyway, hold up.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

Have you ever felt,
you know, not so fresh?

No, just kidding, mama.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Check it out.
Check it out. Check it out.

Got an A-plus
on my Spanish test.

[imitates explosion]

Man,muchos brainos
en el cabeza, si?



Man.

But, yo, yo, yo.
I bettervamanos

'cause you know how Uncle Phil
gets if anybody hold up dinner.

(Philip)
'Will!'

Well..

[speaking in foreign language]

That means,
"How much is the espadrilles?"

Hey, yo. I don't know
how to say I miss you, mom.

But I do.

Alright.Adios.

Oh, cut it, Ash.

[static]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ She said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Hilary, your makeup's here.

No, it's one of your friends
from Philly

too cheap
to buy an airline ticket.

No, this is
my new exercise bike.

I'm gonna use it
to develop my huge legs.

You know, I figure I'll need 'em
to support my massive chest

and my 24-inch pythons.

This equal-opportunity thing
has gone just a little too far.

I can't believe
they're letting girls

play on my intramural
baseball team.

Ooh. Next thing you know,
they'll be letting us vote.

Don't even get me
started on that issue.

Women have their place

but men are the cornerstone
of civilization.

Not only are we good
at men things

but we're good
at women things, too.

I can't believe you're serious.

Hilary and I could do a
so-called man thing a lot better

than either of you could do
a so-called woman thing.

Would you care to
place a little wager?

I bet you couldn't..

Couldn't, um--

Assemble an exercise bike.

Oh, my goodness.

We got one right here!

Well, we could do that
a lot better than you could--

Sew a dress.

I saw it on "The Brady Bunch."

You're on.

Another planet, man.
I ain't sewing no dress.

Ah, in other words,
you can't sew no dress.

Well, what? Are you crazy?
We'd do a dress like that.

And that includes
a full smocking and smart pleat.

Then it's set. The loser has
to help Alice in the kitchen.

I mean, Geoffrey.

- Hi, Ed.
- Evening.

Well, is grandma here yet?
How does she look?

If I was 50 years old

I'd definitely take her out
for a bucket of chicken.

- Hi, sweetie.
- 'Hi, baby.'

Oh, your mother loves her room.

She's been clapping
the lights on and off

for the last 20 minutes.

Huh.

Well, you know, ever since
grandpa died last year

I've been trying to get grandma
to move out here with us.

So I want everybody
to cheer her up.

I mean,
I don't want her moping around

in some old housecoat all day.

- Zeke.
- Mama!

Oh, it's so good
to see you, baby.

Oh, mama!

Oh, you look so fluorescent.

Don't I, though?

I am three pounds lighter,
a whole lot tighter

and I'm dressed to chill.

- Oh! Go, granny.
- Whoa!

Go, granny.
Go, granny.

Come here.

[laughs]

Well, mama, I've got a busy day
planned for you tomorrow.

They're having
a solitaire tournament

out at the Bide-Away
Retirement Villas

and after that
there's a pudding buffet.

Oh-wee!

Sounds like fun,
but I don't think

I can take all that excitement.

Hey, hold up.
I don't know, granny.

Last week, they served tapioca.

Man, the cops had to
break that joint up.

Mrs. Banks,
I bought all the fixings

for a North Carolina dinner.

Oh! Geoffrey, I'm impressed.

But while you're cooking it

would you mind making me up
a salad?

- I'm slimming.
- Ooh!

- Mama?
- Hm?

You mean you're not cooking
at all?

Well, you know..

Oh, okay, you basset hounds.

If you leave me to it,
I can bake a pie

and still get in a bike ride
before supper.

Oh!

Now, go on. Get out of here.

Oh! Shoo. Get away. Shoo.

- Shoo.
- Go, granny.

Go granny. Go granny.

Evening.

Oh.

Evening.

[Ed chuckling]

- Yo, what up, Ed?
- Whoa.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Uh, granny, have you two met?

This is Mr. Ed Downer.

Ah, Ed,
this is Mrs. Hattie Banks.

A woman known far and wide
for her mean sweet potato pies.

Oh! Well, if it's half
as sweet as she is

maybe you might save me a slice.

Yo, that's a good line, Ed.

I'll have to use
that one myself.

Ah. Well, uh, Ed, are you
from around these parts?

No, my wife passed,
my daughter wanted me out here

and wouldn't take
no for an answer.

Hm. Since my Joe passed,
my son wants me out here, too.

But I don't think so.

[groans]

Oh, don't let this jogging suit
fool you. I'm no spring chicken.

Well, maybe not.

But you a long way
from the stewing pot.

You know,
like my dad always said

women are like Cadillacs

they don't even begin to rev up
until they hit 70.

Yo, E. Another dope line, man.

[instrumental music]

We're gonna win this bet, Will.

I love the neckline,
and the fabric's great.

And the color really
brings out my eyes.

How're you doing, granny?
Wh-what do you think?

Six years of "Oprah,"
and this is still a shock.

I-it's a bet, grandma.

Don't tell me what
happens if you lose.

In fact, I don't want to
know
what happens if you win.

Oh, hell, just let's never
mention it again.

Son?

And I use that term loosely.

What's going on?

Uh, dad,
it's not what it looks like.

Will and I are making a dress.

That's exactly
what it looks like.

Look, Carlton,
let's just go upstairs

and pick out some accessories,
man.

Hm. Work it, honey.

Seat.

Handlebars.

Pedals. Hey, we're doing great.

Give me.

Oh. "Tools needed.

Pliers and a wrench
with a ratchet head."

Sounds like somebody
with a bad haircut.

What else?

Oh, goody! Listen to this..

"Do not overexert yourself
or work to exhaustion."

We have to stop, Ashley.

[both laughing]

Oh, no, Carlton. Carlton, man.

[laughs]

Is this the saddest sight
that you've seen, man?

Other than your girlfriend
in biker shorts?

We are doing just fine,
thank you.

As a matter of fact,
as soon as we put it together

we'll be done.

When did you see my girlfriend
in bicycle shorts?

Last Thursday,
while she was playing tennis.

Magnificent server.

Speaking of serving

your parents are expecting you
on the patio for brunch.

Mama, we'd like you to meet
our next-door neighbor.

Mrs. Sweeting,
this is my mother, Mrs.
Banks.

Thanks? For what?
I just got here.

Ah, how do you do?

Yes, well,
we had a nice long chat

while we were walking
up the driveway

and it seems you two gals
have a lot in common.

Oh, isn't that nice? What?

I crochet. I play cards.

Did I mention I crochet?

Excuse me, I just remembered

I have some pantyhose
soaking upstairs.

Ah, Mrs. Sweeting,
may I ask what you're
making?

An Afghan.

That's what I make, Afghans.
Only Afghans.

Not scarves, not tablecloths

not doilies.

I think I'll go translate
the "Dead Sea Scrolls."

Well, I'll go with you.

You can never learn that
stuff
too early.

While you two ladies
get acquainted

I think I'll go check

and see what Geoffrey's doing
in the kitchen.

Bitchin'?

Is he going surfing?

I thought we were
gonna have lunch.

Ah, well, I wish I could stay.

It's so nice getting
to know your friends

ah, but Will and I have to go..

- Bungee jumping.
- 'Oh, that's right.'

Nice meeting you,
Miss Sweet Thing.

Come on, honey.

Philip, I'll be out in a minute.

I have slipped into something

that will knock your socks off.

Mm-mm. My socks are already off.
Just come out naked.

'Oh!'

Well, what do you think?

Hm. What's that?

After 22 years of marriage,
you still have to ask?

No, dear, I'm talking
about this note here.

"Dear Vivian and Zeke

"I'm going over to my
new friend's to play cards.

Love, mama."

Your mother went over
to Mrs. Sweeting's?

- I don't believe it.
- I hate to say I told you so.

Then don't.

Help me turn down
the bed instead.

I mean, why shouldn't
they hit it off?

They're both about the same age.

So are you and Mick Jagger.

Philip, can I help you
with your shirt?

You know,
the important thing is

mama's got a new friend now.

Philip, your mother is fine.

She really, really is.
Stop worrying.

And this nightgown cost $160.

No, she's not fine.
Believe me, Vivian

this chipper act
is strictly for my benefit.

I'm gonna wait up for mama
and see if she needs anything

before she goes to bed.

Uh, Philip..

There's something I'd like
before I go to bed.

I'll bring you
some sugar cookies.

God, this dress-making
is a breeze, isn't it, Will?

You said it, Carlton.

Hey, man, what do you think
of this for Cher?

It's a little formal, isn't it?

[both laugh]

Not only are men bad at sewing,
they're also terrible liars.

Hey, what do you know about men?

A lot more than you know
about women.

When was the last time
you called a girl

for a date a week in advance

showed up in a nice suit
with a bouquet of flowers

and took her out
for a romantic, candle-lit meal?

Um, never.

Come on, look, women don't like
that mushy stuff.

They like a man to take control.

Yeah, control of themselves.

A guy's idea of an icebreaker

is sitting next to me
in the cafeteria

and belching my name.

There's nothing like love
to build up a good appetite.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Slugabed.

- Hi, honey.
- Good morning, mama.

I fixed your favorite,
pecan waffles.

Well, no, thank you, mother.

I'm not very hungry this morning
for some reason.

(Carlton)
How was it when
you were growing up, grandma?

Oh, when I was your age,
sweetheart

there was no hanky-panky.

Not at my age, either.

Although I don't think
there's anything the matter

with a little hugging
and kissing.

Could we change the subject,
please?

Zeke, are you feeling okay?

Your face is longer
than Arsenio Hall's.

I'm fine.

Well, he tossed
and turned all night.

Or was that me?

Look, I'm fine.
Can we just eat, please?

Oh, Hattie, thank you
for making breakfast.

You know,
you were out so late last night

I thought you would sleep in.

Oh, honey
I've been going to bed

with the chickens
all of my life.

But, you know, when you're out
having a good time

the last thing you
think about is the bed.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

I don't know
what's gotten into dad

but if he's dieting again,
I'm moving to a hotel.

Philip?

You've been acting strange
all day.

Now, if it's about last
night,
I am not upset anymore.

No, that's not it.

Why isn't it?

Mama wasn't playing cards
with Mrs. Sweeting last night.

She was out with Ed,
the handyman.

I saw them kissing good night.

Um, sweetheart,
I understand why you're
upset

but your parents had a long

wonderful marriage.

But your mother's been alone
for almost a year now.

Can you imagine
how lonely she must be?

If she's found someone,
can't you just be happy for her?

No.

Philip, think about it.

If you die tomorrow,
what would you want me to
do?

Jump in with me
and bring the kids.

[laughs]

- Oh, you don't mean that.
- You're right.

Leave the kids.

Philip, if you want your mother
to move to California

that means accepting
her friends.

Now, I think it would be a nice
gesture to invite Ed to dinner.

- Oh! You've got to be kidding.
- Oh, Philip.

I know it's hard to be
rational and mature

when it comes to dealing
with your own mother

but please try.

I don't want to.

Please, baby, for me.

If I promise to jump in
with you?

Philip, Hattie's friend
has been here almost an hour.

Eventually, you are gonna have
to say something to him.

Like what?

Nice suit. Pass the salt.

What's your favorite wrench?
Anything.

Honey, as long as it's to Ed.

Can you do that for me, please?

I'll try.

Just wait until you've tasted
Geoffrey's ham-hock souffle.

Why don't you sit here Mr. Ed?

It's Downer, sweetie.

Mr. Ed Downer.

Something sure does
smell delicious.

That would be granny.

So, Ed, uh, Hattie tells us
that you grew up on a farm.

That's right, a horse farm.

My daddy had a horse.

Ah, um, Mr. Downer,
what breed did you raise?

Appaloosas. They have the most
beautiful spotted coats.

My dad had a spotted coat,
then he had it cleaned.

Did you have any other
animals
on your farm?

Oh, of course,
we had chickens, cows

and a great old dog
named Brownie.

My dad loved brownies.
He once ate a whole pan-full.

That explains a lot.

So what happened to your
farm?

My son's there.

I passed it on to him, like
my dad got it from his parents.

My dad had parents.

We called them grand-mom
and grand-pop.

Ah, Zeke, honey, it smells like
my dessert is ready.

Would you go check on it
for me, please?

[Ed sniffing]

Mmm.
Smells like sweet-potato pie.

My dad liked--

(all)
Sweet-potato pie!

You miss your father a lot,
don't you, Zeke?

- Somebody has to.
- What do you mean by that?

I was standing right there.

I saw you kiss Ed good night

and now he's sitting
in my daddy's place.

You're the one
who invited him to dinner

and I'm glad you did.

Don't you feel anything
for daddy, anything at all?

You really want to know
how I feel?

I'll tell you.

- I'm angry, Zeke.
- Angry? Why, mama?

Because he promised
he'd never leave me.

Crazy as it may seem,
I believed him.

One morning last month,
I woke up early

went downstairs singing.

Got a big breakfast
on the stove.

Suddenly, I realized I was
the only one there to eat it.

Remembering is easy, Zeke.

It's the times that I forget
he's gone that I can't stand.

Oh, mama.

I am so sorry.

It's just that I lost daddy

and when I saw you with Ed

I thought I was gonna lose you,
too.

You're not gonna lose me, Zeke.

Of course you may have
to loan me out on occasion.

[Hattie coughs]
Ah, you can let go now, Zeke.

As soon as Ed leaves.

This is perfection.

You'll notice the smooth motion

graceful lines
and elegant style.

And the bike looks great, too.

Will, you have to admit

Hilary and I have built
the perfect exercise bike

while Carlton
is probably upstairs

trying to unstitch your
dress
from some major body parts.

[laughs]

Ah, she who laughs last..

[clears throat]

Carlton, if you please.

[instrumental music]

Carlton Banks is wearing
an elegant yet masculine

cotton-silk combination.

Designed by Will St. Le Carlton.

Well, what do you think?

Ooh, baby, come to mama.

You want some fries
with that shake?

[both chuckle]

Honey, you can carry
my lunchbox home anytime.

Hey, man, you gonna let them
talk to you like that?

Yeah, I kind of like it.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪