The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 4 - PSAT Pstory - full transcript
Will and Carlton take the PSATs with surprising results, while Geoffrey is up for his annual raise.
[instrumental music]
[beeping]
Will, this place is a pit!
You better clean it up
before mom and dad get home.
It's cool. Max out, Hil.
They won't be home for hours.
[car approaching]
They're here! Nighty-night.
[intense music]
Oh, hi, Aunt Viv. I didn't,
I didn't hear you pull up.
- Well, where's Uncle Phil?
- Oh, he's out back.
Turning on the sprinklers.
Will!
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪
♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Another crumpet, Cecil?
Well, p-perhaps just one.
My compliments to your cook.
Actually, I baked them myself.
[chuckles]
Oh, you don't say.
Oh, really?
A butler
having to do the baking.
[chuckles]
I-I'm sorry, it's just that
a, a butler having to cook
is rather like a butler,
uh, h-having to clean.
Yo, what's up the butler posse?
Yo, C, you lookin' buffed, man!
What, you've been pumpin' iron?
I do what I can, homes.
Care to join us in a spot of tea
and crumpets, Master William?
No, that's alright.
I'm driving later, man.
Y'all go ahead,
get busy without me.
Oh. None of that sniffin'
furniture polish, alright?
Just say no.
Thank goodness the
Crandolfs,
uh, only have poodles.
At least I don't have
to follow him around
with a pooper scooper.
[chuckles]
Oh, by the way, did I tell you
the Crandolfs
have expanded my wing?
The spa is really quite lovely.
- Well, I have a Jacuzzi.
- Yeah..
Oh, you mean
those foaming bath tablets
they gave you last Christmas?
They're quite exhilarating
if you sit directly on them.
Oh, did I mention that
the Crandolfs have installed
a wonderful new home
entertainment center for me?
You know, the Bankses
have just given me
a fabulous new television set
with quadraphonic sound
remote control
and a satellite dish.
Hey, yo, G,
can I borrow your new TV, man?
Certainly, Master William.
It's in my suite.
No, it ain't, G.
It's right here.
Buy a vowel, you moron!
Buy a vowel!
What are you gunnin' for?
Pass it! Pass it!
If I were you, Will,
I'd be more concerned
with passing the PSATs.
Yeah, if I were you,
I'd get a red nose
and a set of big, floppy shoes
and call it a day.
Laugh now, but in ten years
I'll be a successful lawyer
and you'll be asking people
if they want extra ketchup.
Carlton..
...if you paid attention
in class like I do
you know you can't study
for an aptitude test.
You either have it,
pftt, or you don't.
Yeah, right,
and in kindergarten they told me
it didn't make a difference
where you put the round peg.
Next thing I knew,
I was in the back of the class
with the guy who ate paste.
Well, never again.
I'm studying all weekend.
Carlton,
that is not normal, man.
What kind of fool
works night and day?
Boy, do I have a lot of work
to do this weekend.
Hey. Hi, Uncle Phil.
Uh, like I was saying, Carlton
a wise man
knows the value of hard work.
Look, dad. I just went
through
my practice PSAT test again.
I just shaved seven seconds
off my time.
Whoa, Nelly! Very good, Carlton.
You're gonna get a gold star
on your chart
right next to put-away toys
and stay dry through the night.
[instrumental music]
Philip, Geoffrey's annual raise
is coming up
and I think
we should discuss it.
Well, we won't bring it up
until he does.
Madam, sir, I have just
taken the liberty
of rotating your tires,
re-grouting the pool
and drawing up plans
for a small gazebo.
I hope
it is to your satisfaction.
I think he just brought it up.
Carlton, will you quit?
Quit, from the
Latinquietare
to be at rest or satisfied.
He's been doing this
all morning.
It's really irritating.
Irritate,
from the Latinirritare
to excite or stimulate.
Okay, Carlton, that's enough.
Vivian, his PSATs
are this morning.
He's just trying
to be prepared.
Prepare, from the Latin
preparare,to make ready.
Carlton, shut up.
"Shut up,"
from the big guy, your father.
♪ My grandma and your grandma ♪
♪ Sitting by the fire ♪
♪ My grandma told your grandma ♪
♪ She gonna set
your flag on fire ♪
Come here, Aunt Viv.
Come here, come here.
♪ We talkin' about
hey now hey now ♪
♪ Hey now ♪
Come on, Uncle Phil.
♪ We're talkin' about hey now ♪
Is this
how you prepare for a test?
Well, yeah, sort of.
See, what it was is,
is we gonna be sittin' down
for a lot of hours,
so I just thought
I'd do somethin'
to get my blood flowin'.
Come on, Will.
We better get goin'.
I wanna get there early so I can
get my pick of the pencils.
Before you go, son, I have
a, uh, little surprise for ya.
It's my old Princeton
sweatshirt, I was gonna save it
till when you went off
to college, but I thought
you might like to have it today.
Dad, I don't know what to say.
This means so much to me.
I'll wear it for good luck.
Or you could throw it
up in the air
and cover that big hole
in the ozone.
[instrumental music]
- You wanted to see me.
- Uh, yes, Geoffrey.
We wanted to discuss
your annual raise.
In light of your exemplary
service over this past year
I'd like to offer you
an additional $20 a week.
I'm sorry.
I thought you said $20per week.
- I did.
- Very well.
Dinner at 7:00 as usual,
sir?
Ow! Of course
that's not all, Geoffrey.
Oh, of course not, sir.
I really didn't think so.
Why don't you treat yourself
to a new uniform on me?
Thank you, sir.
You're most kind.
And with my new-found wealth..
...I can treat myself
to a happy meal.
[sighs]
Junk mail, bills, PSAT scores.
- Bills. Man.
- Uh, did you say PSAT scores?
- Yeah. Yo, beat it, man.
- Give me those.
- Come on, Will.
- Beat it, man.
Gi.. Will.
Who's the most handsome guy
in the world?
You are, Will.
[chuckles]
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
And who's the biggest weenie on
the planet for fallin' for that?
[hums "Jeopardy"theme music]
I am. Give me those.
You know, man, I don't care
what these scores say.
You're a dumb young man.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Mom, dad,
I got a 114 on the PSATs!
I'm smart. I'm brilliant.
I'm the most intelligent person
who ever lived.
That is fantastic, baby.
Son, I'm so proud of you.
Well, Will,
why don't you open yours?
[sighs]
I got a 91.
[laughing]
Carlton, that's enough.
[chuckles]
Oh.
A 91 is...a very good reason
why you should take
this test again, Will.
I'd be happy to help you
out.
I am in the 90th percentile.
Let me see that.
You said you got a 114.
You got a 116?
That's impossible!
Oh, the 91 must be
my percentile.
But, but then that means that..
[laughing]
I'mthe most intelligent guy
in the world.
You know, Carlton,
you're gonna love
drivin' those big rigs, man.
Mom, make him stop!
You can havemyjob,
Master Carlton.
I quit.
[instrumental music]
I don't believe it.
You couldn't have done
better than me.
Somewhere
there's an Asian Will Smith
and he's really ticked.
Carlton, it was one measly
little percentile point.
Alright, but I won't hesitate
to throw it in your face
if you don't leave me alone.
Well, everyone still knows
I have the superior
intellect.
Then why are you using car wax
on the window?
This a window. This is Windex.
Can you say that, little boy?
Daddy,
Geoffrey wouldn't just quit.
What did you do to him?
Ashley, I'm just glad you didn't
have to see him leave.
There was a tear in his eye
as he walked down the driveway
took one last look at us
and gave a sad little wave.
And fortunately,
you're too young to know
what he was wavin'.
I can't wait to be grown-up.
That grocery store
was a snake pit.
I almost got thrown out
of the express line
for being one item
over the limit.
You'd be surprised how fast
you can eat a sponge cake
when you have to.
Vivian, Hilary's gonna fix
us
a lovely meal.
Well, Mama Celeste and Uncle Ben
do deserve some credit.
You know, it's hot in here
with that oven on.
What do you think? It's,
like,
91 or a measly little 90?
I'm telling you, Will,
it was a computer error.
I'll bet anything.
About, what? About 91 bucks?
Um, laundry is done.
Oh, thank you, Ashley.
It was sweet of you to help out.
My..
Everything is so, uh, pink.
Carlton, baby, would you put
the mustard in the refrigerator?
- Please?
- I know what you're implying.
You don't think
I can cut the mustard, do you?
You think
that I'm not as smart as Will.
You think just because
he did better on the exam
that he's a better person.
Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.
Carlton, now,
Will's just teasing.
We all think
you did really good.
Good? Good?
That's just another way
of saying I stink, isn't it?
Well, maybe I have hit
a little slump
but I'm sure even
Albert Einstein had a bad day.
God knows
he never combed his hair.
The point is, other great minds
had faced adversity
and it made them all the better.
And I, too, shall overcome.
Well, I won't.
Not without Geoffrey.
Now, Philip,
we have got to get him back
and I don't care
if we have to beg.
- Yeah, daddy.
- Look.
I don't get down on my knees
and beg to anyone.
[popping]
Oh, no!
But I'm not averse
to sitting up and begging.
[instrumental music]
Admit it, Will.
I beat you in gym.
Okay. Fine, Carlton.
You got your shorts on
way faster than me.
Alright!
Of course, yours have a lot
shorter distance to travel.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got this whole PSAT
thing
all figured out.
I was just nervous.
I lost my stride.
But now everything's back to
normal. Carlton is back on top.
Good morning, class.
Today we're going to have
a little pop quiz.
A quiz?
Uh, b-but, Coach Smiley..
I didn't have a chance to study.
That's why they call it
a pop quiz, Banks.
Anyway, pass these down.
You know the rules.
I'll be in the back
listening to the game.
[whistle blows]
Good luck, men.
[intense music]
[music continues]
[upbeat music]
[intense music]
My life is over.
I'll be expelled.
They'll send me away.
I'll have to get a Jheri curl
and a tattoo.
I'll be subjected
to overcrowding, bad food
and daily threats
of personal violence.
Carlton, I don't think
they'll send you to prison
for cheating on a test.
I'm not talking about prison.
I'm talking about public school.
Oh, oh! Oh!
Would you hold it together,
Carlton?
Look, man,
I'll get you through this.
But I tried to cheat
off your paper.
What's in it for you?
Well, until someone
proves otherwise
you are my cousin, man.
Look, sit down.
Here they come. Follow my lead.
- Hey, Dr. T. How you doin'?
- Ah..
- Hey, how's Carol and the kids?
- Oh, fine, Will.
- And the knee?
- Oh, a lot better now.
Hey, hey, I like what
you've done with the office.
[chuckles]
Well, thank you.
Now, Carlton, I, uh, must say
I'm surprised to see you.
- What is this all about, coach?
- All I know is this.
I went through
four years of school
on a football scholarship
and graduated with honors.
So I know a thing or two
about cheating.
Carlton, man, I think it's time
for you to come out the closet.
Whoa! Now, now, there's no need
for that in here, boys.
Look, coach, are you familiar
with the sports injury
cerebrospinal refractionation?
[chuckles]
Sure. I mean, isn't everyone?
Then you are familiar
with how refractionation
constrains the range of motion
of the upper neck.
[clears throat]
Uh, sure.
Yeah, that's,
it's one symptom, yes.
Then you know
that a refractionation
is often brought on
by some form of stress
and it manifests itself
in a compulsive craning
of the neck.
Oh, Carlton, you look like
one's comin' on now.
Uh, well, you don't happen to be
feelin' any stress now, do you?
No, I..
Ow! Y-yes, I think
I feel it comin' on.
Banks, I'm surprised
you didn't come to me sooner.
He's probably
a little embarrassed, coach.
I mean, as you can see,
he looks like a complete idiot.
Well, that's very true.
You know,
I-I think there seems to be
just a big misunderstanding
here.
I could've caught it myself
if I hadn't been so involved
in the game.
[chuckles]
Did I say game?
Uh, I meant the crisis
in the Soviet Union.
Yeah, well, Dr. Thorvald, there
is no cheating going on here.
This is obviously
a case of cerebrospinal
uh, whatever he said.
You're, uh, dismissed, Banks.
[whistle blows]
Will, you did it!
You got me out of cheating! Yes!
No!
[instrumental music]
(Philip)
'There I was,
in the middle of an arbitration'
between two of my biggest
clients, and I get pulled out
because Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid here
wanna pull a fast one.
Now, I want an explanation.
- Well, look, Uncle Phil--
- Be quiet.
Don't even look at me.
I cannot believe you boys.
Look at me
when I'm talkin' to you!
Now, what do you think
your punishment should be?
Yo, come on, man,
that's a setup.
You are grounded
until we can think
of something worse to do to you.
Now, move it.
Have you any idea what
we're supposed to do right now?
You heard the man. Get upstairs!
Come on, man!
Is everything
all straightened up?
Geoffrey will be here
any minute.
[doorbell ringing]
Ah, there he is. Now..
We agreed
I will do the negotiating.
Alright, alright.
But remember, play it cool.
He doesn't have to know
that we're desperate.
Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Banks.
Geoffrey, thank God!
It's been a nightmare here
without you.
Geoffrey, we're so glad
you could come. Please, sit.
Geoffrey, um, since you quit
Philip and I have been doing
a lot of talking.
I might as well tell you
right now.
I won't come back for a penny
less than $80 more per week.
We'll give you a $100 a week.
Oh. Thank you.
That's most generous.
- But there is one more thing.
- Oh, of course.
There would be some perks,
Geoffrey.
An extra week's vacation,
alternate weekends off
two nights a week off,
and extra help for parties.
Thank you. But that wasn't it.
What do you want,
a car, a StairMaster
a fax machine? What?
I, uh, think I know what it is
that Geoffrey wants.
And he deserves it.
Geoffrey..
...I apologize
for taking you for granted.
Thank you, sir.
That's all I require.
Unless you'd be willing
to consider a full-time cook?
Preferably Jamaican
with an incredible set of..
...cookware.
You're pushing it, Geoffrey.
It was worth a try.
I'll get my things.
- Welcome back.
- Yes.
Oh, Geoffrey,
I'm so glad you're back.
I have this huge grape stain
on my white cat suit.
That was pretty good, Vivian.
Of course, I might have given in
on the, uh, Jamaican cook.
Um, let's get one thing
straight here.
Iwear the cookware
in this house.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Come in.
- Busy, Will?
- Ah..
I was about to jet to
the Riviera with Whitney Houston
but, um, since I'm grounded
I guess I could spare
five or six months.
Will, I'm sorry
I got you into trouble.
Hey, forget it, man,
I shouldn't have been
rankin'
on your test scores
in the first place.
Why not?
You had a right to gloat.
Iwould have.
In fact, I would have gloated
better than you did.
Ten times better.
Oh, Carlton, please,
come on, man.
This competition thing
has got to stop, alright?
You a smart dude. You don't need
a test to tell you that.
Yes, I do.
Oh, Carlton, look, I beat you
by one stinkin', lousy point.
I mean, it's just 'cause
I'm down with this math thing.
Uh, you stomped me
on the verbal section.
- I mean, you're a lot more--
- Articulate? Eloquent?
Erudite?
No. Wordy.
Well, look, Carlton,
there's a lot of things
that you do better than me.
- Like what?
- I don't know, Carl..
You get straight As.
Uh, posture.
You got great posture.
And you tie a tie real good.
True. I am a much better dresser
than you.
And I speak better
and I drive better
and people definitely like me
a whole lot more.
Well, looks like my work's
done here. Goodnight, Carlton.
And my manners
are vastly superior to yours.
And when it comes
to personal hygiene
God knows there's no comparison.
Yo, Carlton, there's one
other thing you do great,
man.
There is? What?
You irritate the hell out of me!
Now, get outta my room!
Thanks, Will.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
[beeping]
Will, this place is a pit!
You better clean it up
before mom and dad get home.
It's cool. Max out, Hil.
They won't be home for hours.
[car approaching]
They're here! Nighty-night.
[intense music]
Oh, hi, Aunt Viv. I didn't,
I didn't hear you pull up.
- Well, where's Uncle Phil?
- Oh, he's out back.
Turning on the sprinklers.
Will!
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪
♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Another crumpet, Cecil?
Well, p-perhaps just one.
My compliments to your cook.
Actually, I baked them myself.
[chuckles]
Oh, you don't say.
Oh, really?
A butler
having to do the baking.
[chuckles]
I-I'm sorry, it's just that
a, a butler having to cook
is rather like a butler,
uh, h-having to clean.
Yo, what's up the butler posse?
Yo, C, you lookin' buffed, man!
What, you've been pumpin' iron?
I do what I can, homes.
Care to join us in a spot of tea
and crumpets, Master William?
No, that's alright.
I'm driving later, man.
Y'all go ahead,
get busy without me.
Oh. None of that sniffin'
furniture polish, alright?
Just say no.
Thank goodness the
Crandolfs,
uh, only have poodles.
At least I don't have
to follow him around
with a pooper scooper.
[chuckles]
Oh, by the way, did I tell you
the Crandolfs
have expanded my wing?
The spa is really quite lovely.
- Well, I have a Jacuzzi.
- Yeah..
Oh, you mean
those foaming bath tablets
they gave you last Christmas?
They're quite exhilarating
if you sit directly on them.
Oh, did I mention that
the Crandolfs have installed
a wonderful new home
entertainment center for me?
You know, the Bankses
have just given me
a fabulous new television set
with quadraphonic sound
remote control
and a satellite dish.
Hey, yo, G,
can I borrow your new TV, man?
Certainly, Master William.
It's in my suite.
No, it ain't, G.
It's right here.
Buy a vowel, you moron!
Buy a vowel!
What are you gunnin' for?
Pass it! Pass it!
If I were you, Will,
I'd be more concerned
with passing the PSATs.
Yeah, if I were you,
I'd get a red nose
and a set of big, floppy shoes
and call it a day.
Laugh now, but in ten years
I'll be a successful lawyer
and you'll be asking people
if they want extra ketchup.
Carlton..
...if you paid attention
in class like I do
you know you can't study
for an aptitude test.
You either have it,
pftt, or you don't.
Yeah, right,
and in kindergarten they told me
it didn't make a difference
where you put the round peg.
Next thing I knew,
I was in the back of the class
with the guy who ate paste.
Well, never again.
I'm studying all weekend.
Carlton,
that is not normal, man.
What kind of fool
works night and day?
Boy, do I have a lot of work
to do this weekend.
Hey. Hi, Uncle Phil.
Uh, like I was saying, Carlton
a wise man
knows the value of hard work.
Look, dad. I just went
through
my practice PSAT test again.
I just shaved seven seconds
off my time.
Whoa, Nelly! Very good, Carlton.
You're gonna get a gold star
on your chart
right next to put-away toys
and stay dry through the night.
[instrumental music]
Philip, Geoffrey's annual raise
is coming up
and I think
we should discuss it.
Well, we won't bring it up
until he does.
Madam, sir, I have just
taken the liberty
of rotating your tires,
re-grouting the pool
and drawing up plans
for a small gazebo.
I hope
it is to your satisfaction.
I think he just brought it up.
Carlton, will you quit?
Quit, from the
Latinquietare
to be at rest or satisfied.
He's been doing this
all morning.
It's really irritating.
Irritate,
from the Latinirritare
to excite or stimulate.
Okay, Carlton, that's enough.
Vivian, his PSATs
are this morning.
He's just trying
to be prepared.
Prepare, from the Latin
preparare,to make ready.
Carlton, shut up.
"Shut up,"
from the big guy, your father.
♪ My grandma and your grandma ♪
♪ Sitting by the fire ♪
♪ My grandma told your grandma ♪
♪ She gonna set
your flag on fire ♪
Come here, Aunt Viv.
Come here, come here.
♪ We talkin' about
hey now hey now ♪
♪ Hey now ♪
Come on, Uncle Phil.
♪ We're talkin' about hey now ♪
Is this
how you prepare for a test?
Well, yeah, sort of.
See, what it was is,
is we gonna be sittin' down
for a lot of hours,
so I just thought
I'd do somethin'
to get my blood flowin'.
Come on, Will.
We better get goin'.
I wanna get there early so I can
get my pick of the pencils.
Before you go, son, I have
a, uh, little surprise for ya.
It's my old Princeton
sweatshirt, I was gonna save it
till when you went off
to college, but I thought
you might like to have it today.
Dad, I don't know what to say.
This means so much to me.
I'll wear it for good luck.
Or you could throw it
up in the air
and cover that big hole
in the ozone.
[instrumental music]
- You wanted to see me.
- Uh, yes, Geoffrey.
We wanted to discuss
your annual raise.
In light of your exemplary
service over this past year
I'd like to offer you
an additional $20 a week.
I'm sorry.
I thought you said $20per week.
- I did.
- Very well.
Dinner at 7:00 as usual,
sir?
Ow! Of course
that's not all, Geoffrey.
Oh, of course not, sir.
I really didn't think so.
Why don't you treat yourself
to a new uniform on me?
Thank you, sir.
You're most kind.
And with my new-found wealth..
...I can treat myself
to a happy meal.
[sighs]
Junk mail, bills, PSAT scores.
- Bills. Man.
- Uh, did you say PSAT scores?
- Yeah. Yo, beat it, man.
- Give me those.
- Come on, Will.
- Beat it, man.
Gi.. Will.
Who's the most handsome guy
in the world?
You are, Will.
[chuckles]
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
And who's the biggest weenie on
the planet for fallin' for that?
[hums "Jeopardy"theme music]
I am. Give me those.
You know, man, I don't care
what these scores say.
You're a dumb young man.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Mom, dad,
I got a 114 on the PSATs!
I'm smart. I'm brilliant.
I'm the most intelligent person
who ever lived.
That is fantastic, baby.
Son, I'm so proud of you.
Well, Will,
why don't you open yours?
[sighs]
I got a 91.
[laughing]
Carlton, that's enough.
[chuckles]
Oh.
A 91 is...a very good reason
why you should take
this test again, Will.
I'd be happy to help you
out.
I am in the 90th percentile.
Let me see that.
You said you got a 114.
You got a 116?
That's impossible!
Oh, the 91 must be
my percentile.
But, but then that means that..
[laughing]
I'mthe most intelligent guy
in the world.
You know, Carlton,
you're gonna love
drivin' those big rigs, man.
Mom, make him stop!
You can havemyjob,
Master Carlton.
I quit.
[instrumental music]
I don't believe it.
You couldn't have done
better than me.
Somewhere
there's an Asian Will Smith
and he's really ticked.
Carlton, it was one measly
little percentile point.
Alright, but I won't hesitate
to throw it in your face
if you don't leave me alone.
Well, everyone still knows
I have the superior
intellect.
Then why are you using car wax
on the window?
This a window. This is Windex.
Can you say that, little boy?
Daddy,
Geoffrey wouldn't just quit.
What did you do to him?
Ashley, I'm just glad you didn't
have to see him leave.
There was a tear in his eye
as he walked down the driveway
took one last look at us
and gave a sad little wave.
And fortunately,
you're too young to know
what he was wavin'.
I can't wait to be grown-up.
That grocery store
was a snake pit.
I almost got thrown out
of the express line
for being one item
over the limit.
You'd be surprised how fast
you can eat a sponge cake
when you have to.
Vivian, Hilary's gonna fix
us
a lovely meal.
Well, Mama Celeste and Uncle Ben
do deserve some credit.
You know, it's hot in here
with that oven on.
What do you think? It's,
like,
91 or a measly little 90?
I'm telling you, Will,
it was a computer error.
I'll bet anything.
About, what? About 91 bucks?
Um, laundry is done.
Oh, thank you, Ashley.
It was sweet of you to help out.
My..
Everything is so, uh, pink.
Carlton, baby, would you put
the mustard in the refrigerator?
- Please?
- I know what you're implying.
You don't think
I can cut the mustard, do you?
You think
that I'm not as smart as Will.
You think just because
he did better on the exam
that he's a better person.
Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.
Carlton, now,
Will's just teasing.
We all think
you did really good.
Good? Good?
That's just another way
of saying I stink, isn't it?
Well, maybe I have hit
a little slump
but I'm sure even
Albert Einstein had a bad day.
God knows
he never combed his hair.
The point is, other great minds
had faced adversity
and it made them all the better.
And I, too, shall overcome.
Well, I won't.
Not without Geoffrey.
Now, Philip,
we have got to get him back
and I don't care
if we have to beg.
- Yeah, daddy.
- Look.
I don't get down on my knees
and beg to anyone.
[popping]
Oh, no!
But I'm not averse
to sitting up and begging.
[instrumental music]
Admit it, Will.
I beat you in gym.
Okay. Fine, Carlton.
You got your shorts on
way faster than me.
Alright!
Of course, yours have a lot
shorter distance to travel.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got this whole PSAT
thing
all figured out.
I was just nervous.
I lost my stride.
But now everything's back to
normal. Carlton is back on top.
Good morning, class.
Today we're going to have
a little pop quiz.
A quiz?
Uh, b-but, Coach Smiley..
I didn't have a chance to study.
That's why they call it
a pop quiz, Banks.
Anyway, pass these down.
You know the rules.
I'll be in the back
listening to the game.
[whistle blows]
Good luck, men.
[intense music]
[music continues]
[upbeat music]
[intense music]
My life is over.
I'll be expelled.
They'll send me away.
I'll have to get a Jheri curl
and a tattoo.
I'll be subjected
to overcrowding, bad food
and daily threats
of personal violence.
Carlton, I don't think
they'll send you to prison
for cheating on a test.
I'm not talking about prison.
I'm talking about public school.
Oh, oh! Oh!
Would you hold it together,
Carlton?
Look, man,
I'll get you through this.
But I tried to cheat
off your paper.
What's in it for you?
Well, until someone
proves otherwise
you are my cousin, man.
Look, sit down.
Here they come. Follow my lead.
- Hey, Dr. T. How you doin'?
- Ah..
- Hey, how's Carol and the kids?
- Oh, fine, Will.
- And the knee?
- Oh, a lot better now.
Hey, hey, I like what
you've done with the office.
[chuckles]
Well, thank you.
Now, Carlton, I, uh, must say
I'm surprised to see you.
- What is this all about, coach?
- All I know is this.
I went through
four years of school
on a football scholarship
and graduated with honors.
So I know a thing or two
about cheating.
Carlton, man, I think it's time
for you to come out the closet.
Whoa! Now, now, there's no need
for that in here, boys.
Look, coach, are you familiar
with the sports injury
cerebrospinal refractionation?
[chuckles]
Sure. I mean, isn't everyone?
Then you are familiar
with how refractionation
constrains the range of motion
of the upper neck.
[clears throat]
Uh, sure.
Yeah, that's,
it's one symptom, yes.
Then you know
that a refractionation
is often brought on
by some form of stress
and it manifests itself
in a compulsive craning
of the neck.
Oh, Carlton, you look like
one's comin' on now.
Uh, well, you don't happen to be
feelin' any stress now, do you?
No, I..
Ow! Y-yes, I think
I feel it comin' on.
Banks, I'm surprised
you didn't come to me sooner.
He's probably
a little embarrassed, coach.
I mean, as you can see,
he looks like a complete idiot.
Well, that's very true.
You know,
I-I think there seems to be
just a big misunderstanding
here.
I could've caught it myself
if I hadn't been so involved
in the game.
[chuckles]
Did I say game?
Uh, I meant the crisis
in the Soviet Union.
Yeah, well, Dr. Thorvald, there
is no cheating going on here.
This is obviously
a case of cerebrospinal
uh, whatever he said.
You're, uh, dismissed, Banks.
[whistle blows]
Will, you did it!
You got me out of cheating! Yes!
No!
[instrumental music]
(Philip)
'There I was,
in the middle of an arbitration'
between two of my biggest
clients, and I get pulled out
because Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid here
wanna pull a fast one.
Now, I want an explanation.
- Well, look, Uncle Phil--
- Be quiet.
Don't even look at me.
I cannot believe you boys.
Look at me
when I'm talkin' to you!
Now, what do you think
your punishment should be?
Yo, come on, man,
that's a setup.
You are grounded
until we can think
of something worse to do to you.
Now, move it.
Have you any idea what
we're supposed to do right now?
You heard the man. Get upstairs!
Come on, man!
Is everything
all straightened up?
Geoffrey will be here
any minute.
[doorbell ringing]
Ah, there he is. Now..
We agreed
I will do the negotiating.
Alright, alright.
But remember, play it cool.
He doesn't have to know
that we're desperate.
Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Banks.
Geoffrey, thank God!
It's been a nightmare here
without you.
Geoffrey, we're so glad
you could come. Please, sit.
Geoffrey, um, since you quit
Philip and I have been doing
a lot of talking.
I might as well tell you
right now.
I won't come back for a penny
less than $80 more per week.
We'll give you a $100 a week.
Oh. Thank you.
That's most generous.
- But there is one more thing.
- Oh, of course.
There would be some perks,
Geoffrey.
An extra week's vacation,
alternate weekends off
two nights a week off,
and extra help for parties.
Thank you. But that wasn't it.
What do you want,
a car, a StairMaster
a fax machine? What?
I, uh, think I know what it is
that Geoffrey wants.
And he deserves it.
Geoffrey..
...I apologize
for taking you for granted.
Thank you, sir.
That's all I require.
Unless you'd be willing
to consider a full-time cook?
Preferably Jamaican
with an incredible set of..
...cookware.
You're pushing it, Geoffrey.
It was worth a try.
I'll get my things.
- Welcome back.
- Yes.
Oh, Geoffrey,
I'm so glad you're back.
I have this huge grape stain
on my white cat suit.
That was pretty good, Vivian.
Of course, I might have given in
on the, uh, Jamaican cook.
Um, let's get one thing
straight here.
Iwear the cookware
in this house.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Come in.
- Busy, Will?
- Ah..
I was about to jet to
the Riviera with Whitney Houston
but, um, since I'm grounded
I guess I could spare
five or six months.
Will, I'm sorry
I got you into trouble.
Hey, forget it, man,
I shouldn't have been
rankin'
on your test scores
in the first place.
Why not?
You had a right to gloat.
Iwould have.
In fact, I would have gloated
better than you did.
Ten times better.
Oh, Carlton, please,
come on, man.
This competition thing
has got to stop, alright?
You a smart dude. You don't need
a test to tell you that.
Yes, I do.
Oh, Carlton, look, I beat you
by one stinkin', lousy point.
I mean, it's just 'cause
I'm down with this math thing.
Uh, you stomped me
on the verbal section.
- I mean, you're a lot more--
- Articulate? Eloquent?
Erudite?
No. Wordy.
Well, look, Carlton,
there's a lot of things
that you do better than me.
- Like what?
- I don't know, Carl..
You get straight As.
Uh, posture.
You got great posture.
And you tie a tie real good.
True. I am a much better dresser
than you.
And I speak better
and I drive better
and people definitely like me
a whole lot more.
Well, looks like my work's
done here. Goodnight, Carlton.
And my manners
are vastly superior to yours.
And when it comes
to personal hygiene
God knows there's no comparison.
Yo, Carlton, there's one
other thing you do great,
man.
There is? What?
You irritate the hell out of me!
Now, get outta my room!
Thanks, Will.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪