The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 3 - Will Gets a Job - full transcript

30 seconds on high,
spock. Energize.

[buzzing]

[imitating Chekov]
Uh, captain, we're going
into a warp drive.

We're running low
on dilithium crystals.

[imitating Kirk]
Do something, Bones.

[imitating Bones]
Jim, I'm a doctor, damn it

not a short-order cook.

Quit playing around.
I want to heat up my Sara Lee.

Can you use the regular oven?

Do I look like
Wilma Flintstone?

Mmm. That smells delicious.
Can I have some?



Come on. Beat it, man.
It's barely enough for me.

[beeping]

Ahh.

Just the way I like 'em.
Toasty, warm.

♪ Now this is a story
all about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In west Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪



♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

Alright, you pervert.

Hand over my
"Victoria's Secret"catalogue.

This one's Geoffrey's.
He filled out the order
form.

Geoffrey, you know a woman
with a 46-D cup?

No, but if there's
a God in heaven

I will by Christmas.

Yo. What's up, y'all? You know
if Uncle Phil is in a good mood?

I'm trying to hit him up for
50 bucks for the homecoming.

Will, 50 bucks is only going
to cover the tickets.

There's still the tux,
the limousine

the pre-party party,
the post-party party

and, in your case, bail.

Man, you're right.
This could cost a fortune.

Oh, that's okay.
Daddy's got a fortune.

I always find that
when you ask for large sums

it helps if you
take his hand

look deep into his eyes

and tell him you have
cramps.

That only worked for Hilary.

When I tried it,
he sent me to a specialist.

Uh, thanks a lot. I think I can
handle this myself, guys.

Well, compliment
his clothes, you know

tell him that he's
lost some weight.

But no more
than 20 pounds.

And it helps to keep
a straight face.

Why don't I just get
on my hands and knees and beg?

Well, that's only worth 25.

Besides, it's really
hard on your knees.

Thanks. I really
appreciate that

but I think I can handle
this myself, guys.

♪ Do do do do ♪

Hi, daddy.

Hi, dad.

Hey, Uncle Phil.

Man, uh, you-you've lost weight.

Thanks a lot, Will.

And that, and that-that
suit you got on

man, it's great how it's
accentuates your massive..

...weight loss, man.

Anything else?

Yeah. There is one other thing.

I got cramps.

How much? What's it cost?
And will I get sued?

Uh, actually,
now that you mention it

I could use, like,
200 bones for the homecoming.

Well, fine. Fine.
I'll write you a check.

You know, Will,
I never thought I'd say this

but you've become
like one of my own.

I could close my eyes, and
I'd
swear I'm talking to Carlton.

Hi, Will.

You alright?

Well-well-well, Uncle Phil,
Uncle Phil just said

that I was just like
one of y'all kids.

He said I was just like
Carl..

He said I was just like C-Car..

...your son.

Oh, and you are, sweetheart.

And it's about time
he realized it.

I bet you we're gonna
win first place.

Yeah, this volcano
is gonna be the coolest
thing

at the science fair.

Where shall we put
the tiny missionaries

with the shocked
expressions on their faces?

Anywhere,
when the lava flows

it's every missionary
for himself.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Look at that guy
in the swimsuit.

Is he buffed or what?

Where?
I don't see a buffed guy.

I only see Carlton.

Oh, God,
he's coming over here.

I can't look.
Hand me a missionary.

Hey, Ashley, how's
the science project coming?

Oh, it's going great.

Carlton, this is Tina.

Tina, this is
my brother Carlton.

- Hi, Tina.
- Hi.

I love your towel.

Thanks. Well, I've gotta go
prepare for debate practice.

You're on the debate team?

That is so cool.

I must say, it is refreshing
to see the younger
generation

taking an interest
in the art of persuasion.

It's my favorite
extracurricular activity

next to, uh, table tennis.

You're athletic, too?

I should've known
by your bulging forearms.

They, uh..

...do draw stares.

Man, I thought a dip in
the pool was gonna cool me off.

I'm blazing about what
Uncle Phil said to me.

Oh, I'm sure when he called
you a sophomoric cretin

it was just
a figure of speech.

No. No, that didn't bother me.

It's when he said
I was just like Carlton.

Yes. I can understand
your concern.

- Sandwich?
- Yeah. Sure.

I mean, look, I know
where I come from, man.

I'm coming straight out
of Philly, man.

And I'm proud of that.

Hey, could you put that
on a croissant for me?

Certainly.

You know, Master William,
we all change.

Hey, look, look, man I haven't
changed. I'm not gonna change.

I'm not down
with this bougie stuff.

- Swiss?
- Nah. Gorgonzola.

Hey, man, I'm telling you, if
there is one dude in the world

that's the total
opposite of Carlton

it's this guy standing
right here, man.

Thanks a lot, G.

Hey man, how you going to play
a brother on the grey poupon?

Geoffrey, I'm famished.

Can you make me a gorgonzola
sandwich on a croissant?

- Heavy on the grey poupon.
- Certainly.

Thanks.

Oh, my God.

Uncle Phil is right, G.

I'm turning into Carlton.

Alright. Alright.
That's it. That's it.

No more of these
sissy sandwiches.

No more, no more
valet parking.

And no more of these
preppy parties, man.

Oh, oh, and that homecoming?
No. You can kill that noise.

I'm gonna call Cindy right now

and I'm gonna tell her
the whole thing is off.

Oh, and his check, this check
that Uncle Phil gave me

now you see it,
now you don't.

Yo, the funky fresh
is back in the flesh

with a vengeance, homes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm going to eat that, though..

...but I ain't
going to enjoy it.

Come on, kids!
Tipoff's in 30 minutes!

Carlton, you seen my keys?

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What did you call me?

I called you Will.

No, you didn't.
You called me Carlton.

I'm not Carlton, okay?

I don't look like Carlton,
I don't act like Carlton

and most importantly,
I don't look like Carlton.

Um, can we discuss
this in the car?

I don't wanna be late.

Yeah. You remember what
happened last time.

They ran out of pasta salad
in the VIP section.

Oh, and they didn't,
like, stop the game?

Aunt Viv, look, I'm sorry.

I'm just not down
with this b-ball thing.

Least, not the way
y'all do it.

Then I take it, you won't
be going to the game?

I didn't exactly say that.

What I was saying is that

I'm just not down with it

the way you guys
do it, you know?

I mean, if I do it,
I want to sit in the $2 seats

where my feet
be sticking to the floor

and a big, fat,
crusty, bloated dude

is sitting behind me
belching in my ear.

I mean, any other
way is unnatural.

Miss Cindy Norris.

- Hey, Will.
- Hey, what's up, baby?

I'm so excited
about going to the game.

Do you think they're gonna have
that great pasta salad?

Hey, look, baby, um,
the-the plans have

kinda been changed a little bit.

Yeah. I hope you
brought rubber shoes.

Let's go, dad.
We're gonna be late.

Yeah. Last time they
ran out of pasta salad.

Will, are you gonna
go with us or not?

I'm sorry. Look, that's just
not my style, Uncle Phil.

I'm not riding in no Benz.

We'll just take Cindy's Miata.

Come here, baby.
I need to talk to you.

Y-You know, about this
homecoming thing, um..

Look, I know I said
we were gonna go

with Carlton and his date,
but things have changed.

Oh, Will,
you are so wonderful.

Man, you take bad news better
than anybody I ever met.

Bad? I think
it's really romantic

that you want to have me
all to yourself.

Uh, wait, hold it, hold it,
you see, Cindy

that ain't,
that ain't exactly it.

I'm so excited
about homecoming.

Do you know I worked
80 extra hours

just so I could pay
for my dress?

Oh, but it is so cute.
You're gonna love it.

It's cut very low
in the front.

I wonder if it shows
too much cleavage.

Um, about how many corsages
you going to be needing?

Tina, we need to talk.

Oh, Carlton.

Those khaki pants make you
look so "Field and stream."

Take me camping.

Tina, I'm at my wit's end.

Look, it's bad enough
you call me every hour

on the hour when I'm home

but I don't appreciate
being paged at school.

I'm so sorry.
I try to sound official.

Well, I don't think anyone
believed you were Colin Powell.

It's obvious there could
never
be anything between us.

Do you understand what
I'm trying to tell you?

Yes, Carlton. I do.

Good.

I'm going to go
study now.

Studying.
That is so cool.

Are you going to highlight
or underline?

(Carlton)
'It's none of your beeswax!'

Hey. You know,
Ashley, that's beautiful.

I think those two are a
match
made in midget heaven.

Will, are you coming
to the science fair

to see me do
my volcano presentation?

Uh, look, I'm sorry, Ashley.
I'd like to, but I can't.

Why not?

I got a job.

Yeah, right.
And I can't go either.

A dog ate my volcano.

No, I'm serious. I'm waiting
tables at Treasure Island.

I wanna pay for the homecoming.

Oh, you couldn't lie to daddy

about his weight either, huh?

No, that's... Look, Ash,
it's just not my style.

You know, I'm a man.
I want to pay my own way.

I'm going to save up the money

and I'm gonna show
Uncle Phil what I'm made of.

Oh, that's great, Will. He's
gonna be really proud of you.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, but, look,
until I get the money

we gotta keep this
a secret, alright?

I won't tell.

(Carlton)
'No, Tina. I don't care'

'if you get in for half price.'

'I'm not taking you
to see "Jungle Fever!"'

"Most promising
future scientist."

- This is incredible,
Ashley.
- You really think so?

Absolutely. It means I'll never
have to see Tina again.

Miss Tina.

Hi, Carlton.

I know you told me to buzz
off

but I had to see you
one more time.

Tina, you've got
to get over me.

It's time you
get on with your life.

I'm no good for you.

Now, I want you to walk
out that door

hop on your bike,
and pedal like hell.

Okay, Carlton.

If that's what
you want. Bye.

Oh, Tina

we were just about
to take Ashley

out to dinner
to celebrate your award.

Would you like to join us?

If I can sit by Carlton.

I'd better go call my mom.

Well, I might
as well face it.

I'm irresistible to women.

Now I know what
Tom Jones feels like.

Vivian, take a look at this.

Will's basketball coach
says he hasn't been

to practice all week.

His English teacher
called and said

he's been falling
asleep in class.

And he missed curfew
twice this week.

Uh, by my count,
it was four times

but I'll go check
my videotape.

Will, we have to talk.

Yeah. Sure, Uncle Phil.
What's the problem?

You missed
basketball practice

you've been falling
asleep in class

and you missed
curfew twice this week.

I want an explanation.

And you deserve
an explanation.

And I have
an incredible one

that I'd like
to give you next week.

But then again,
I'd like to see next week.

So maybe I should give it
to you now.

I got a job.

But why are we just now
hearing about it?

'Cause I wanted to surprise you.

Look, I wasn't born
yesterday.

I expect you to honor
your commitments

and I expect you
to be honest.

Now, until you can tell me
the truth, you are grounded.

No TV, no phone calls,
and no visitors.

But, unc..

Why don't you just
do me like kunta kinte

and chop off my foot?

Now, I know you're angry

but I think you
may have overreacted.

Vivian, you don't expect me
to condone his behavior.

Baby, I know that falling asleep
is not a good thing

but your own secretary
has said she's had

to nudge you awake after
you've had Mexican food.

Only after the
El Presidenteplatter.

And he should go to practice

but it is an
extracurricular activity.

It's a lot like you
going to the gym.

And as I recall,
the last time you were there

I think the Jeffersons
were still trying to move on up.

That's different.

I'm starting back Monday.

And I do not approve
of his breaking curfew--

Vivian, Vivian,
you've made your point.

I'll let him give
an explanation.

Ashley, sweetie, would you
go upstairs and tell Will

his uncle and I would like
to speak with him, please?

Will's not here. I just saw
him leave on his bike.

You see that, Vivian?
Outright defiance.

That boy just does whatever
he wants to, and I'm sick of it.

This just doesn't
seem like Will.

Vivian, can we just drop
the subject and go have dinner?

Look, Philip, I know that
I don't have all the facts

but if Will says he has a
job,
I believe him.

Vivian, you are so naive.

You'd believe that boy
if he were to tell you that

he was a big rap star
whose album just went platinum.

Ashley, sweetheart,
what an interesting

choice of restaurants.

It's so, um..

...piratesque.

Welcome to the Briny Deep

where none of our prices
are ever too steep.

We've got fresh fish.
You can look at our tank.

To get to the bathroom,
make a left at the plank.

Follow me.

Get a load of his costume.

You couldn't pay me
to wear an outfit like that.

Think you'll be needing
a booster seat, little boy?

Vivian, let's not let
Will ruin our dinner.

He hasn't ruined anything for
me. I think he's a great kid.

Complimentary champagne
for the lovely young lady.

I'll have a glass of that.

Sorry, man,
we ain't got no more.

Would you like to order before
I bring you back the menus?

I'll have iced tea, please.

Perrier with a twist of lemon.

I don't know. I just
can't seem to decide.

Well, sir, we've got all
three flavors of slim fast.

I'll have a cola, wise guy.

That waiter has been
exceedingly discourteous.

I can't put my finger on it

but the way he treats me
reminds me of someone.

Well, I think the waiter's
really nice.

And I bet
he's really honest, too.

I like his eye patch.

Makes him look
kind of dangerous.

You know, table tennis
isn't exactly safe.

Thank you for my iced tea.

You are really fast, you're
reliable, and trustworthy.

I really like your beard.

Tina, I doubt
if it's real.

And there's
a French fry in it.

Waiter!

This soda's flat.

Ah, you don't say, sir?

Try that.

Well, that does it.

You are the rudest,
most incompetent waiter

I've ever met.

I'm not a waiter,
according to my uncle

I don't even have a job.

Vivian, I...think
I've made a mistake.

Oh, my.

Carlton, you were
my third love

and I'll never forget you

but I like Will now.

He's dressed like an idiot

and he's still so cool.

He's not the only guy
who could dress like an idiot.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, I'm human.
Sometimes I make mistakes.

I admit I had some preconceived
ideas about you

'mainly that you just
didn't care about anything'

but I guess I'm gonna
have to let that go

because today you've
shown me that

you are a very,
very fine young man.

And I just want us
to be closer together.

What did you say, pervert?

Oh, I'm sorry. I, uh..

Look, man, this is
Treasure Island, okay?

Now, pleasure island,
that's a block down the street.

- I thought, I thought--
- I know what you thought.

But if you'll notice, the parrot
is sitting on myleftshoulder.

Ooh, I feel like a fool.

Yeah, wait till they make
you bob for your lobster.

By any chance, did you hear
anything of what I just said?

Nah, I didn't.

Look, it's hard for me
to apologize.

It's hard for me to dress up
in this stupid costume

but I do it.

I don't get it, Will.

Why the job?

I just wanted to pay for
the homecoming myself.

But I gave you a check.

I tore it up.

Why?

'Cause you were right,
Uncle Phil.

I'm getting soft.

Look, I'm a man.

And a man should be able
to stand on his own two feet.

Make his own way like you did.

I mean, a man does it
for hisself.

I mean, it's a hard road to
travel but after you travel it

and you look back
on what you accomplished

you could say,
"I did that, I'm a man."

That's the biggest load
of bull I've heard

since I left the farm.

Nobody does anything
without help, Will.

People opened doors for me.

And I've worked hard
to open doors for you.

It doesn't make you
any less of a man

to walk through them.

Never really looked
at it like that.

But, you know, Uncle Phil,
I guess it ain't so bad

you know, being like
one of your kids.

Uh, thank you. Uh..

Of course, if I had my choice,
I'd pick Ashley, but..

Well..

♪ Can't touch this
brr nrr nrr nrrt ♪♪

[theme music]