The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Mother of All Battles - full transcript
Will and Carlton try to help solve Ashley's bully problems at school until Philip and Vivian find out and try to solve the problem their own way.
[instrumental music]
Damn. I can't believe it.
The school's, like,
three miles away.
It took us 45 minutes
to get home.
I know, sweetheart.
Those traffic jams
can be so frustrating.
It wasn't no traffic.
It was Carlton's driving.
It was old people in walkers
passing us.
Look, the fact
that I'm safety conscious
does not mean
I drive like a little old man.
Carlton, please, George Burns
flipped you the bird.
He was waving.
The man has arthritis.
Hey, look,
don't feel bad, Aunt Viv.
At least you have
two normal daughters.
[exhales sharply]
I have been stabbed in the back.
Is nothing sacred?
- Is there, like, no honor?
- Baby, what's the matter?
Francesca asked me to be
a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Ah! There is, like,
no God, okay?
And?
Well, what do you mean,
"And?"
She expects me
to take care of the rice
they throw
when they leave the church.
Like I'm gonna learn how to cook
just for her wedding.
Aunt Viv, don't feel bad.
At least you have
one normal daughter.
Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about
time you started feeling bad.
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪
♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[groaning]
[groaning]
Oh, is Linda Blair down there?
Ashley, baby, are you
alright?
I'm sorry if I disturbed you.
I guess the pain was just
too much to bear.
I'm not surprised, 180 degrees.
Yo, take a thousand aspirin,
drink fifty gallons of water
and stay in bed
until Carlton's voice changes.
Ashley, baby, now you've been
acting strange all day.
What's going on?
There's this science test
tomorrow on the plant
kingdom.
It's really hard.
Honey, all we've ever asked
is that you try to do your best.
And how are you gonna know what
your best is unless you try?
Now you go upstairs
and study until bedtime.
Okay.
[laughing]
Whoa! Kids, man, kids.
I mean, it's like you love 'em
and you love 'em
and you love 'em,
but sometimes, you know
they make you
just wanna, ah, pull out your..
...tongue.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Ashley, what is wrong with you?
Look, playing sick
by putting a thermometer
over a 100-watt light bulb
is not the way
to solve your problems.
The key is a 60-watt light bulb.
Thanks, Will,
but what I really need to know
is how to kick someone's butt.
Oh, word up. Carlton getting
on your nerves, too?
It's not Carlton.
It's this girl Paula Hoover.
If I don't give her my lunch,
she hits me.
And tomorrow at three o'clock
she's gonna beat me up
whether I feed her or not.
Well, I happen to know she ain't
gonna be beating you up.
Why?
Did she die?
No. I'm gonna teach you how to
defend yourself. Get up, girl.
Come on.
Alright, look. Step one.
You gotta learn how to take
somebody's heart, right?
In the old days they used
to call it selling woof tickets.
She won't buy anything from me,
Will.
No, no, no. See,
a woof ticket is like a threat.
See, right? It's all
in your attitude. It's
like..
Say, man! Hey!
You don't get out of my face,
man, I'm gonna hit you so hard
your grandpa gonna get a lump.
I will hit you so hard
it will bruise
your great-grandfather badly.
That would be great if you were
rumbling Princess Di.
Mm, but, no, no, no,
try it like this.
[clears throat]
Say, man,
I'm gonna hit you so hard
you're gonna land
in another zip code!
I'm going to hit you so hard
you're going to land
in another zip code!
Moving on, look, the next
step
is full-scale
psychological warfare,
right?
So you gotta act like
you got this tick, right?
Like the army did this
experiment on you, right
that just went terribly
wrong.
Like, back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Mind your business!
Okay. Back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Just mind your business.
What the heck is going on here?
Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says
she was a Vanilla Ice fan.
I kind of lost my head.
You expect me to believe that?
Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.
Now, what's really going on?
Paula Hoover's been
beating me up
so Will's gonna show me
how to fight her
after school tomorrow.
You should be ashamed
of yourself, Will.
Violence only begets violence.
Now, that is not the way
you deal with a bully.
Now, I have found that as long
as you pay them promptly
they pretty much
leave you alone.
I have been, and she still wants
to beat me up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why
she has to defend herself.
- Put your hands up--
- Not so.
You and Paula must find
a common ground.
Remember, "We must never
negotiate out of fear
but we must never fear
to negotiate."
John F. Kennedy.
But never forget,
"Mama Said Knock You Out."
LL Cool J.
So, Ashley, do you believe
that violence is wrong?
Ashley,
do you believe it's wrong
to be this pathetic little wimp?
- Yes.
- Ahem.
Well, n-no.
Uh, oh, I don't, I don't know.
Can I be alone now?
Well, Ashley, no matter
whatever happens tomorrow
just know that I believe in you.
And, Ashley,
whatever happens tomorrow
know that I believe
Carlton is adopted.
Why don't you mind your business
sometimes, man?
Every time I turn my head..
[laughing]
I knew she wouldn't show.
I don't blame her.
I'd whip her bootie.
I'd wax her tail.
I'd kick her heinie.
Oh.
Hi, Paula.
- Nice shoes.
- Are you ready?
Oh, okay,
but it's only fair I warn
you.
I'm gonna hit you so hard
your grandpa's gonna be great
in another area code..
Or something.
Back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Just mind your business.
Hey, if it isn't
my cousin, Ashley.
What a nice surprise.
I should have known you'd call
in reinforcements, Banks.
And you must be
the spawn of Satan.
It's-it's, it's just
a coincidence, Paula.
Honest.
Ashley,
isn't this a nice surprise?
- What are you doing here, man?
- I'm her brother!
Shh! What do you want,
to humiliate the girl?
Do you guys mind? Um, I'm
beating someone else up at 4:00.
Listen, Paula
the great Martin Luther King
taught us
that violence is never the way.
We must rise above hate
and mend our differences
to perseverance and love.
Thank you for helping me
prove my point.
Look, I will turn
the other cheek.
Running a little low
on cheeks there, huh, brah?
You cannot make me angry, Paula
because if I surrender to anger
I have surrendered
my very independence.
You know, Paula, even
the great Martin Luther King
probably drew the line
somewhere.
And it was probably
somewhere around that region
you were just aiming.
Girlfriend, we need to talk.
I just got a little bit
of a beef with you, you
know?
You've been messing
with my cousin, Ashley,
right?
I gotta be honest with you,
it's kind of ticking me off.
Ooh!
I'm quaking in my tube socks.
She's funny.
Hey, look, you know what?
This goes against
everything that I believe
but you're giving me no choice.
Give you five bucks,
you leave her alone.
$50.
$50? How are you playing me $50?
Come on, $20.
- $50.
- $50? How are you..
Come on, baby, I ain't..
$30.
$50.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Alright, deal. It's kind
of a rough neighborhood.
You wanna walk me to my car?
I just don't see
what's wrong with the dress.
Francesca, remember
the first day of junior high
when you showed up
in a reversible poncho?
Who hid you under the bleachers?
- You did, Hilary.
- That's right.
Because I care about you.
Remember our freshman year?
Do I need to bring up
the culotte incident?
[sighs]
Then I think it's time
we stopped the madness.
Francesca, this dress,
i-it's an abomination.
What if we add a dickey?
Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?
Hilary, you haven't agreed
with one thing
I've picked for my wedding.
Well, I agreed
that you should wear white
and I think
we all know that's a stretch.
I guess you're right.
So could you help me, please?
Well, I guess I could come up
with a few tips.
Geoffrey, hit the lights.
Well, there must be
some mistake. Are you
certain?
Boom!
Thank you.
I, I appreciate the call.
I cannot believe this.
- Is everything alright, mom?
- Yeah, what's up?
Well, that was
Ashley's principal.
He said Ashley hasn't been
to school
for the last three days!
Now I don't understand this,
now Ashley has been
going to school every day
and coming home at 3:30
like she always does!
Do you boys know anything
about this?
- Hi, mommy.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- How was school today?
- Oh, it was great.
We had to write an essay
in English. I think I aced
it.
Oh. Well,
what did you write about?
My neck?
You wrote an entire essay
on your neck.
Well, that is quite impressive,
sweetheart
since your principal called
and said
that you have not been at school
today
yesterday or the day before!
Philip, I'm glad you're home.
Ashley, Ashley,
go for the sympathy.
Cry like your life depended
on it, then try to throw up.
Fine, but if I go down,
I am taking both of you with me.
You have a lot of explaining
to do, young lady.
It was Paula Hoover.
She was beating me up!
Will and Carlton tried
to get her to leave me alone
but then she started again
after Carlton's check
bounced.
That little extortionist.
She promised she wouldn't cash
my check until the weekend.
A bully is no reason
to cut school, Ashley.
Uncle Phil, you haven't exactly
seen Paula Hoover.
Like, picture Mike Tyson
in a training bra.
Philip, I do not like
the sound of this.
I think we should talk
to the principal.
No. I'll be a total outcast.
I'll have to eat lunch
with the janitor.
Honey, we've got to do
something.
Maybe we should invite
Paula's parents over
and get to the bottom of this.
Yo, word up. I got some
boxing gloves, Uncle Phil.
You gotta get your own headgear,
though.
"Let's get ready to rumble!"
Oh, Paula's parents
get here yet?
- No, not yet.
- Good.
We got a little while
for a few last-minute tips.
Alright. Check it out. Act like
you got this tick, right?
Like the army
did this experiment on you
that just went terribly
wrong,
right?
You be like, "Back up! Back up!
"Mind your business, that's all.
Mind your business."
Will, we're gonna settle things
in a civilized manner.
That's how adults handle things.
Yeah, well,
not in my neighborhood.
Hey, yo, I got your back,
Uncle Phil, man.
You better get out of here
before I get your butt.
Doctor and Mrs. Norbert Hoover.
Welcome. I'm Philip
and this is my wife, Vivian.
- Dr. Hoover.
- Mrs. Hoover.
And, uh, you must be Paula.
Ah, Geoffrey, why don't you take
Paula into the kitchen?
I bet she would love
some of your famous cookies.
(Geoffrey)
'Certainly.
Follow me, Ms. Paula.'
So, uh, doctor,
what kind of a doctor are you?
I'm a child psychiatrist.
Oh.
Now, young ladies,
I have some wine to serve.
Will you two be able to refrain
from battering each other
in my absence?
No sweat, Lurch.
Boo!
Still got it.
Um, Paula is wonderful.
She's really, really adorable.
But we are very concerned
that she and Ashley
do not seem to be getting along.
We know, Dr. Hoover and I
had a long talk
with Paula after you called.
Apparently, Ashley has been
quite ruthless with her.
Well, you can't seriously think
it's Ashley's fault.
Oh, it's understandable,
she's probably just
self-conscious about that tick.
I'd be happy
to prescribe something.
But you don't beat up everybody.
- Why do you just pick on me?
- Larry Wells.
You cut in when I was dancing
with him after the game.
No, no. I didn't want to cut in.
Hey, I was dancing
with Brad Nelson
but he wanted to dance with you
so I was stuck with that guy.
- I never even knew his name.
- Really?
- Brad likes me?
- Yeah.
Wow. If I'd known, I never
would have beat up his sister.
Ow!
So you wanna be friends?
As long as you're not after
Larry Wells.
Larry who?
Okay. We're friends.
No!
Will! Will!
Will! Will! Don't! Don't!
We're, we're friends now.
Oh. Sure you don't want to get a
couple sucker punches in there?
Your daughter suffers from
displaced aggression syndrome.
Oh, well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid
I would have to get
a second opinion
before I could believe that.
Oh, it's definitely
displaced aggression
syndrome.
Let me put it in simpler terms.
This is where a child acts out
the repressed hostility
of an unhappy home.
And what is that supposed
to mean?
Oh, too many big words?
No, Ms. Thing, but I got a
couple of small words for you.
Vivian..
Hey, hey, good news, people.
The girls are--
Obviously, your wife is upset.
It's common with women
in mid-life.
I'd be happy to prescribe
something.
Dr. Hoover, the school
where you got your degree
did you find it
on the back of a matchbook?
Uh, p-please,
my humble brothers, please--
Penn State, my brother.
Really? Good school.
I was thinking of going
there
if my scholarship
to Princeton, Yale, Wharton
and Talladega Tech
had fallen through.
Impressive, you must have been
quite an athlete
in your thinner days.
- Okay. Time out. Time out.
- Hey, hey.
Let's stick to the topic, okay?
Fine.
Speaking as a doctor,
I think your daughter
ought to be heavily sedated and
immediately institutionalized.
Well, speaking as a lawyer,
I can only say that
your daughter suits
the criminal profile to a
tee
right down
to the low-sloping forehead
and the wide jaw suitable
for grains and small
rodents.
I think you must have her
confused with your mama!
And that's it, Uncle Phil!
You're grounded!
You know, I'd be happy
to prescribe something for that.
- Here you go, sweetheart.
- Oh.
Thank you.
[groans]
I don't believe it,
I have never witnessed
anything more humiliating
in my life.
Jilted at the altar.
Other than crow's feet,
that is the worst thing
that can happen to a woman.
[sighs]
Francesca was jilted?
No, I was talking about me!
All that hard work
redesigning this dress
and that ingrate eloped!
And to think
I was gracious enough to let her
invite her hayseed grandmother.
Dad, I hope you don't mind me
saying this
but it's got to be said.
What you did tonight was wrong.
Word, I gotta agree
with Carlton.
Who said that?
I thought you said
that's how you settled disputes
in your old neighborhood.
No, no, no, no. See..
In my neighborhood
we got this sacred code.
It's like, "My broski,
whatever you want to do
"broham, on the left or the
right we can do that all night.
"But all that old
yackety-yak,
jawbone
"you kicking in the middle, man,
you can stop that 'cause I ain't
down with that."
You see what I'm saying?
- No.
- Me, neither.
Well, that's why it's so sacred.
The point is, I was wrong.
I lost control.
Ashley, baby..
In the future
I hope you'll do what I say
and not what I did.
Now even though it felt good
hitting that jerk tonight..
...really, really good..
...I was wrong.
Sometimes
what feels good is wrong.
Yeah.
Everything that feels good
is wrong.
Everything.
Do you understand me?
Yes. Yes, o-okay.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪♪
Damn. I can't believe it.
The school's, like,
three miles away.
It took us 45 minutes
to get home.
I know, sweetheart.
Those traffic jams
can be so frustrating.
It wasn't no traffic.
It was Carlton's driving.
It was old people in walkers
passing us.
Look, the fact
that I'm safety conscious
does not mean
I drive like a little old man.
Carlton, please, George Burns
flipped you the bird.
He was waving.
The man has arthritis.
Hey, look,
don't feel bad, Aunt Viv.
At least you have
two normal daughters.
[exhales sharply]
I have been stabbed in the back.
Is nothing sacred?
- Is there, like, no honor?
- Baby, what's the matter?
Francesca asked me to be
a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Ah! There is, like,
no God, okay?
And?
Well, what do you mean,
"And?"
She expects me
to take care of the rice
they throw
when they leave the church.
Like I'm gonna learn how to cook
just for her wedding.
Aunt Viv, don't feel bad.
At least you have
one normal daughter.
Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about
time you started feeling bad.
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪
♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[groaning]
[groaning]
Oh, is Linda Blair down there?
Ashley, baby, are you
alright?
I'm sorry if I disturbed you.
I guess the pain was just
too much to bear.
I'm not surprised, 180 degrees.
Yo, take a thousand aspirin,
drink fifty gallons of water
and stay in bed
until Carlton's voice changes.
Ashley, baby, now you've been
acting strange all day.
What's going on?
There's this science test
tomorrow on the plant
kingdom.
It's really hard.
Honey, all we've ever asked
is that you try to do your best.
And how are you gonna know what
your best is unless you try?
Now you go upstairs
and study until bedtime.
Okay.
[laughing]
Whoa! Kids, man, kids.
I mean, it's like you love 'em
and you love 'em
and you love 'em,
but sometimes, you know
they make you
just wanna, ah, pull out your..
...tongue.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Ashley, what is wrong with you?
Look, playing sick
by putting a thermometer
over a 100-watt light bulb
is not the way
to solve your problems.
The key is a 60-watt light bulb.
Thanks, Will,
but what I really need to know
is how to kick someone's butt.
Oh, word up. Carlton getting
on your nerves, too?
It's not Carlton.
It's this girl Paula Hoover.
If I don't give her my lunch,
she hits me.
And tomorrow at three o'clock
she's gonna beat me up
whether I feed her or not.
Well, I happen to know she ain't
gonna be beating you up.
Why?
Did she die?
No. I'm gonna teach you how to
defend yourself. Get up, girl.
Come on.
Alright, look. Step one.
You gotta learn how to take
somebody's heart, right?
In the old days they used
to call it selling woof tickets.
She won't buy anything from me,
Will.
No, no, no. See,
a woof ticket is like a threat.
See, right? It's all
in your attitude. It's
like..
Say, man! Hey!
You don't get out of my face,
man, I'm gonna hit you so hard
your grandpa gonna get a lump.
I will hit you so hard
it will bruise
your great-grandfather badly.
That would be great if you were
rumbling Princess Di.
Mm, but, no, no, no,
try it like this.
[clears throat]
Say, man,
I'm gonna hit you so hard
you're gonna land
in another zip code!
I'm going to hit you so hard
you're going to land
in another zip code!
Moving on, look, the next
step
is full-scale
psychological warfare,
right?
So you gotta act like
you got this tick, right?
Like the army did this
experiment on you, right
that just went terribly
wrong.
Like, back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Mind your business!
Okay. Back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Just mind your business.
What the heck is going on here?
Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says
she was a Vanilla Ice fan.
I kind of lost my head.
You expect me to believe that?
Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.
Now, what's really going on?
Paula Hoover's been
beating me up
so Will's gonna show me
how to fight her
after school tomorrow.
You should be ashamed
of yourself, Will.
Violence only begets violence.
Now, that is not the way
you deal with a bully.
Now, I have found that as long
as you pay them promptly
they pretty much
leave you alone.
I have been, and she still wants
to beat me up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why
she has to defend herself.
- Put your hands up--
- Not so.
You and Paula must find
a common ground.
Remember, "We must never
negotiate out of fear
but we must never fear
to negotiate."
John F. Kennedy.
But never forget,
"Mama Said Knock You Out."
LL Cool J.
So, Ashley, do you believe
that violence is wrong?
Ashley,
do you believe it's wrong
to be this pathetic little wimp?
- Yes.
- Ahem.
Well, n-no.
Uh, oh, I don't, I don't know.
Can I be alone now?
Well, Ashley, no matter
whatever happens tomorrow
just know that I believe in you.
And, Ashley,
whatever happens tomorrow
know that I believe
Carlton is adopted.
Why don't you mind your business
sometimes, man?
Every time I turn my head..
[laughing]
I knew she wouldn't show.
I don't blame her.
I'd whip her bootie.
I'd wax her tail.
I'd kick her heinie.
Oh.
Hi, Paula.
- Nice shoes.
- Are you ready?
Oh, okay,
but it's only fair I warn
you.
I'm gonna hit you so hard
your grandpa's gonna be great
in another area code..
Or something.
Back up! Back up!
Mind your business, that's all.
Just mind your business.
Hey, if it isn't
my cousin, Ashley.
What a nice surprise.
I should have known you'd call
in reinforcements, Banks.
And you must be
the spawn of Satan.
It's-it's, it's just
a coincidence, Paula.
Honest.
Ashley,
isn't this a nice surprise?
- What are you doing here, man?
- I'm her brother!
Shh! What do you want,
to humiliate the girl?
Do you guys mind? Um, I'm
beating someone else up at 4:00.
Listen, Paula
the great Martin Luther King
taught us
that violence is never the way.
We must rise above hate
and mend our differences
to perseverance and love.
Thank you for helping me
prove my point.
Look, I will turn
the other cheek.
Running a little low
on cheeks there, huh, brah?
You cannot make me angry, Paula
because if I surrender to anger
I have surrendered
my very independence.
You know, Paula, even
the great Martin Luther King
probably drew the line
somewhere.
And it was probably
somewhere around that region
you were just aiming.
Girlfriend, we need to talk.
I just got a little bit
of a beef with you, you
know?
You've been messing
with my cousin, Ashley,
right?
I gotta be honest with you,
it's kind of ticking me off.
Ooh!
I'm quaking in my tube socks.
She's funny.
Hey, look, you know what?
This goes against
everything that I believe
but you're giving me no choice.
Give you five bucks,
you leave her alone.
$50.
$50? How are you playing me $50?
Come on, $20.
- $50.
- $50? How are you..
Come on, baby, I ain't..
$30.
$50.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Alright, deal. It's kind
of a rough neighborhood.
You wanna walk me to my car?
I just don't see
what's wrong with the dress.
Francesca, remember
the first day of junior high
when you showed up
in a reversible poncho?
Who hid you under the bleachers?
- You did, Hilary.
- That's right.
Because I care about you.
Remember our freshman year?
Do I need to bring up
the culotte incident?
[sighs]
Then I think it's time
we stopped the madness.
Francesca, this dress,
i-it's an abomination.
What if we add a dickey?
Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?
Hilary, you haven't agreed
with one thing
I've picked for my wedding.
Well, I agreed
that you should wear white
and I think
we all know that's a stretch.
I guess you're right.
So could you help me, please?
Well, I guess I could come up
with a few tips.
Geoffrey, hit the lights.
Well, there must be
some mistake. Are you
certain?
Boom!
Thank you.
I, I appreciate the call.
I cannot believe this.
- Is everything alright, mom?
- Yeah, what's up?
Well, that was
Ashley's principal.
He said Ashley hasn't been
to school
for the last three days!
Now I don't understand this,
now Ashley has been
going to school every day
and coming home at 3:30
like she always does!
Do you boys know anything
about this?
- Hi, mommy.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- How was school today?
- Oh, it was great.
We had to write an essay
in English. I think I aced
it.
Oh. Well,
what did you write about?
My neck?
You wrote an entire essay
on your neck.
Well, that is quite impressive,
sweetheart
since your principal called
and said
that you have not been at school
today
yesterday or the day before!
Philip, I'm glad you're home.
Ashley, Ashley,
go for the sympathy.
Cry like your life depended
on it, then try to throw up.
Fine, but if I go down,
I am taking both of you with me.
You have a lot of explaining
to do, young lady.
It was Paula Hoover.
She was beating me up!
Will and Carlton tried
to get her to leave me alone
but then she started again
after Carlton's check
bounced.
That little extortionist.
She promised she wouldn't cash
my check until the weekend.
A bully is no reason
to cut school, Ashley.
Uncle Phil, you haven't exactly
seen Paula Hoover.
Like, picture Mike Tyson
in a training bra.
Philip, I do not like
the sound of this.
I think we should talk
to the principal.
No. I'll be a total outcast.
I'll have to eat lunch
with the janitor.
Honey, we've got to do
something.
Maybe we should invite
Paula's parents over
and get to the bottom of this.
Yo, word up. I got some
boxing gloves, Uncle Phil.
You gotta get your own headgear,
though.
"Let's get ready to rumble!"
Oh, Paula's parents
get here yet?
- No, not yet.
- Good.
We got a little while
for a few last-minute tips.
Alright. Check it out. Act like
you got this tick, right?
Like the army
did this experiment on you
that just went terribly
wrong,
right?
You be like, "Back up! Back up!
"Mind your business, that's all.
Mind your business."
Will, we're gonna settle things
in a civilized manner.
That's how adults handle things.
Yeah, well,
not in my neighborhood.
Hey, yo, I got your back,
Uncle Phil, man.
You better get out of here
before I get your butt.
Doctor and Mrs. Norbert Hoover.
Welcome. I'm Philip
and this is my wife, Vivian.
- Dr. Hoover.
- Mrs. Hoover.
And, uh, you must be Paula.
Ah, Geoffrey, why don't you take
Paula into the kitchen?
I bet she would love
some of your famous cookies.
(Geoffrey)
'Certainly.
Follow me, Ms. Paula.'
So, uh, doctor,
what kind of a doctor are you?
I'm a child psychiatrist.
Oh.
Now, young ladies,
I have some wine to serve.
Will you two be able to refrain
from battering each other
in my absence?
No sweat, Lurch.
Boo!
Still got it.
Um, Paula is wonderful.
She's really, really adorable.
But we are very concerned
that she and Ashley
do not seem to be getting along.
We know, Dr. Hoover and I
had a long talk
with Paula after you called.
Apparently, Ashley has been
quite ruthless with her.
Well, you can't seriously think
it's Ashley's fault.
Oh, it's understandable,
she's probably just
self-conscious about that tick.
I'd be happy
to prescribe something.
But you don't beat up everybody.
- Why do you just pick on me?
- Larry Wells.
You cut in when I was dancing
with him after the game.
No, no. I didn't want to cut in.
Hey, I was dancing
with Brad Nelson
but he wanted to dance with you
so I was stuck with that guy.
- I never even knew his name.
- Really?
- Brad likes me?
- Yeah.
Wow. If I'd known, I never
would have beat up his sister.
Ow!
So you wanna be friends?
As long as you're not after
Larry Wells.
Larry who?
Okay. We're friends.
No!
Will! Will!
Will! Will! Don't! Don't!
We're, we're friends now.
Oh. Sure you don't want to get a
couple sucker punches in there?
Your daughter suffers from
displaced aggression syndrome.
Oh, well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid
I would have to get
a second opinion
before I could believe that.
Oh, it's definitely
displaced aggression
syndrome.
Let me put it in simpler terms.
This is where a child acts out
the repressed hostility
of an unhappy home.
And what is that supposed
to mean?
Oh, too many big words?
No, Ms. Thing, but I got a
couple of small words for you.
Vivian..
Hey, hey, good news, people.
The girls are--
Obviously, your wife is upset.
It's common with women
in mid-life.
I'd be happy to prescribe
something.
Dr. Hoover, the school
where you got your degree
did you find it
on the back of a matchbook?
Uh, p-please,
my humble brothers, please--
Penn State, my brother.
Really? Good school.
I was thinking of going
there
if my scholarship
to Princeton, Yale, Wharton
and Talladega Tech
had fallen through.
Impressive, you must have been
quite an athlete
in your thinner days.
- Okay. Time out. Time out.
- Hey, hey.
Let's stick to the topic, okay?
Fine.
Speaking as a doctor,
I think your daughter
ought to be heavily sedated and
immediately institutionalized.
Well, speaking as a lawyer,
I can only say that
your daughter suits
the criminal profile to a
tee
right down
to the low-sloping forehead
and the wide jaw suitable
for grains and small
rodents.
I think you must have her
confused with your mama!
And that's it, Uncle Phil!
You're grounded!
You know, I'd be happy
to prescribe something for that.
- Here you go, sweetheart.
- Oh.
Thank you.
[groans]
I don't believe it,
I have never witnessed
anything more humiliating
in my life.
Jilted at the altar.
Other than crow's feet,
that is the worst thing
that can happen to a woman.
[sighs]
Francesca was jilted?
No, I was talking about me!
All that hard work
redesigning this dress
and that ingrate eloped!
And to think
I was gracious enough to let her
invite her hayseed grandmother.
Dad, I hope you don't mind me
saying this
but it's got to be said.
What you did tonight was wrong.
Word, I gotta agree
with Carlton.
Who said that?
I thought you said
that's how you settled disputes
in your old neighborhood.
No, no, no, no. See..
In my neighborhood
we got this sacred code.
It's like, "My broski,
whatever you want to do
"broham, on the left or the
right we can do that all night.
"But all that old
yackety-yak,
jawbone
"you kicking in the middle, man,
you can stop that 'cause I ain't
down with that."
You see what I'm saying?
- No.
- Me, neither.
Well, that's why it's so sacred.
The point is, I was wrong.
I lost control.
Ashley, baby..
In the future
I hope you'll do what I say
and not what I did.
Now even though it felt good
hitting that jerk tonight..
...really, really good..
...I was wrong.
Sometimes
what feels good is wrong.
Yeah.
Everything that feels good
is wrong.
Everything.
Do you understand me?
Yes. Yes, o-okay.
[instrumental music]
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