The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 18 - Ill Will - full transcript

[instrumental music]

- Cedric.
- Geoffrey.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, all.

Well, here they are.
Hot off the presses.

Move over, Kitty Kelly.
Cedric has arrived.

"Through The Keyhole, Memoirs
Of An Embittered Butler."

Check this out.

Is it Cedric
or is it Patrick Swayze?

[chuckles]

Excuse me, but writing
a sordid, steamyexpose

about the Randolph family
is darned offensive



and we won't have anything
to do with that smut.

Oh, get real.

May I recommend chapter
seven?

Mr. And Mrs. Randolph found
it
particularly humiliating.

Geoffrey,
this book is dedicated to you.

Oh, but of course, it was
Geoffrey who gave me the
idea

in the first place.

By the way, how are your memoirs
coming along, old boy?

[clears throat]

Allow me to see you out,
Aunt Blabby.

Wha..

[groaning]

Oh..

Oh. Oh.



Will, go to school.

Aunt Viv, I need a nighttime

sniffling-sneezing-fallen-
and-I-can't-get-up medicine.

Will, you are burning up.

- Philip, he really is sick.
- 'Hm.'

Baby, is it your throat
again?

Oh, Vivian,
don't let that boy con you.

There's absolutely nothing
wrong with..

Yuck!

Baby, now, you know
what the doctor said.

One more throat infection
and those tonsils

have just got to come out.

Whoo! I'm all better.
It's a miracle.

♪ I got no more fever
I got no more fever ♪

- Aunt Viv?
- 'Yes?'

Catch me.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

♪ See the doc
the the the doc ♪

♪ The doc
the the the doc ♪

♪ Go see the doc
the the the doc ♪

Oh, hello. I'm Vivian Banks.

I believe my nephew, Will Smith,
has been assigned to this room.

Smith? Oh, yes.

Tonsillectomy, tomorrow morning.
Alrighty.

And where is
our brave little soldier?

No, I keep telling you,
I ain't sick! I'm not sick!

[grunts]

Sweetheart, now you know
what Dr. Bennett said.

Those tonsils
have just got to come out.

Now, there's no reason
to be afraid.

Oh, who are you kidding? Uh, why
do you think they wear masks?

So they can't be identified!

And why do you think
they knock you out?

So you don't see them
drinking margaritas

over your open stomach!

Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the gift shop.

Oh. Hey, thanks a lot, Hil,
that's real nice.

Well, sometimes a girl
just has to treat herself.

Your overnight case,
Master Will.

I've packed everything but your
pajamas. Where do you keep them?

Well, I usually keep them
inside the--

Don't answer that.

It'll be in Geoffrey's memoirs

and Urkel will play you
in the TV movie.

I'll just wait in the car.

Will, this might be
a good time for you

to put your John Hancock
on this.

"I, Will Smith, being of
sound
mind, do hereby bequeath.."

Yo, what the hell is this?

It's your peace of mind,
my friend.

Let's say you die.

Do you want just anyone
to get their hands

on that $323 and 15 cents

you have hidden
under your LL Cool J hat?

I ain't think about it
like that.

- Can I see that, Carlton?
- Sure, Will.

[groans]

I hate to break up
this Hallmark moment

but visiting hours are over.

Okay. Well,
you better get some rest.

- We better get going.
- No, Aunt Viv, no! Please.

Can't you just stay one more
itty-bitty, teeny-weeny moment?

Don't leave me here, Aunt Viv.

♪ Two bottles of beer on
the wall two bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of them bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ How many bottles of beer
on the wall? ♪

♪ One bottle of beer on the wall
one bottle of beer ♪

I'm afraid
you really have to go now.

Yo, can we finish our song,
please?

♪ One million bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ One million bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of them bottles
should happen to fall ♪

[instrumental music]

Zowie.
It's Show-time at the Apollo.

You don't get out much, do you?

Dinner time.

Ugh! Look like somebody
already ate this.

Faster, faster, faster.

Come on, faster, faster.

- Max.
- Yeah.

Running around like this
could be fatal.

So? You'll die
and I'll get another nurse.

[chuckles]

Nurse, nurse darling,
I, uh, dropped my lucky hat.

Could you please pick it up
for me? Thank you very much.

Beautiful.

I never forget a face.

Max, why do you call this
your lucky hat?

[chuckles]

No, no reason.

[whistles]

Hey. Hi, kid.

Guess you're my new roommate,
huh?

Well, good.

Man, uh, when I get old

I hope
I get as much action as you.

[sighs]
Heck, next week I hope
I get as much action as you.

Will Smith. Tonsils.

Max Jakey.

Everything else.

Ooh, uh..

Sweaty palms, kid.

First timer? Huh?

Man, you must be tripping.

I was 15 when I first..

Oh.

- Um, you, you mean surgery.
- Yes.

Relax, as long as you got
a good doctor, kid

what could go wrong?

And now you'll have
to excuse me.

I'm gonna cop a sponge bath.

Max, you're supposed to be
in therapy.

I played there 40 years ago.

Bad theater, lousy audience.

- Will Smith?
- 'Yeah.'

I'll be performing your surgery.

Whoa. No, you won't, man.
I want my regular doctor.

- When can I see Dr. Bennett?
- In five-to-ten years.

Oh, come on, relax.

I'm Dr. Baylor,
and I'm eminently qualified

to perform this operation.

Where are my glasses? Oh, hell.

Nurse, did they close up
Ms. Henderson yet?

Uh, uh, never mind, never mind.

But check my locker
for my beeper, will ya?

[clears throat]
Alright, Mr. Smith,
open your mouth.

Yo, my man,
your beeper ain't in here.

Oh, come on, come on,
let me look at those tonsils.

Well..

...so much for golf tomorrow.

Hey, hey, doc, y'all just gonna
take the tonsils, right?

'Cause, hey, I got big plans
for everything else.

Oh. Trust me.

You're in the hands
of a capable doctor.

I've got to find those glasses.

God..

...please don't let me
leave here with breasts.

[instrumental music]

Max. Max!

- Max!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

Uh, what do you think
of the rap tape?

Rap tape?
Sounded like an auction.

- Kreplach?
- Yo, man, what'd you call me?

Kreplach. It's a dumpling.
Hey, have a nosh.

- Ah.
- Yo. Hey, Max?

- 'Yeah?'
- Let me ask you something.

You all cooped up
in this hospital.

I mean, why are you so happy
about it?

Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.

Inside I feel like
I'm just as young as you.

The difference is,
you think you're immortal.

Me, I know better.

I don't have to waste time
feeling sorry for myself.

- You know what I mean?
- You know..

You're really something,
Max.

Please, don't make me cry.
I can't spare the fluid.

- Do me a favor, will you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Turn on the TV.
- Oh, sure.

Give me this.

So what do you wanna watch, Max?

Man, I had forgotten how big
Jimmie Walker's lips was.

Max? Max?

[snoring]

Goodnight, Max.

Ah..

(man on TV)
'I'm very sorry, Mrs. Peterson,
we did the best we could.'

(Mrs. Peterson)
'But, doctor,
I don't understand.'

'We just brought little Billy
to the hospital'

'for a field trip.'

[Mrs. Peterson sobbing]

'And now he's, he's..'

[Mrs. Peterson sobbing]

(woman on TV)
'Doctors play God,
and patients get'

'the short end of the scalpel.'

'On the next
"Oprah Winfrey Show."'

(Petty on PA)
'Why aren't we sleeping,
Mr. Smith?'

'Cause we in here bugging out,
Nurse Petty.

(Petty)
'Sounds like a job
for Mr. Needle.'

Uh, sorry,
I must've got the wrong number.

[intense music]

[heartbeats]

Yo, yo, yo, Will Smith, man,
my main patient.

- What's up, homey?
- Uh, Doctor Dre?

Yo, man, what's happening, man?

Yo, this next LP, man

has got your name written
all over it.

All over it, all over it,
homey.

- You know what it's called?
- No.

Yo, man, it's called
Death Certificate, man.

Yo, man, are you ready
for some dope cuts?

[screaming]

[intense music]

Confounded! Everywhere I go,
I hear the same damn music!

That'll be all now, nurse.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute, man.

You-you ain't no doctor.

No, but I play one on TV.

Yeah, you that dude
from the soap opera.

Hey, didn't you just die
in a car crash?

Oh, no, no, right now
I'm hanging precariously

on the edge of a cliff,
and I intend to stay there

until they put a window
in my dressing room.

Now, let's get busy with
that brain transplant, shall we?

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
I'm just getting my tonsils out!

Tonsils don't get ratings,
young man.

One of us will be right back
right after this commercial.

[dramatic music]

[Doc laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

♪ At the copa ♪

Gloves.

♪ Copacabana ♪

Gauze.

♪ The hottest spot ♪

♪ North of Havana ♪♪

Scalpel.

Hey, yo, man,
you better be using that scalpel

to cut some lemon wedges
for Isaac.

Come on, buddy,
I don't have all day.

In 15 minutes,
I gotta meet Adrienne
Barbeau

on the poop deck.

Hey, man,
I don't care if you're playing

shuffleboard
with Nipsey Russell.

I ain't getting cut by no doctor
with knee socks.

Look, there's nothing
to worry about.

I've pretended to do this
operation a thousand times.

Look, this time they've given me
a real scalpel.

Cool.

[screaming]

[panting]

Man, I'm getting out of here
before Dr. Hannibal Lecter

shows up.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Doctor, the patient in 214

is not responding
to the medication.

What should I do?

Um..

Well, well, nurse, uh,
I'd run a KGB and an NAACP.

Um..

If he still doesn't respond,
give him an upper GI Joe.

I've got to get
my real-estate license.

(woman on PA)
'Doctor.. Please report to ICU.'

Oh. 1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.

Uh, they got some free ice cream
and cake in the cafeteria.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is enjoyable.

It's been too long
since we've spent

quality time together.

Daddy's right. Can I go now?

Oh, come on. We're a family.
We should express our feelings.

Dad, let's cut the crapola
and get

to what's really on our minds.

Oh, sweetheart, Will's
operation's gonna go fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking
about Geoffrey's book.

Geoffrey can write
whatever he wants.

This family has nothing to hide.

Your father's right. Now..

I don't wanna hear anymore
about it, okay?

Phil, would you help me
clear the dishes, please?

Geoffrey knows everything
about us!

If mom and dad find out
what really goes on around here

they're going to kill us.

We've got to get that book.

[dramatic music]

"The Butler's Tales,"
chapter 42.

[doorbell ringing]

Someone get that damn door!

Oh, that would be me.

[doorbell ringing]

Alright, alright!

I hate this part of the job.
It's never for me.

[footsteps approaching]

Those memoirs have got to be
in here somewhere.

Okay, Ashley, we're in!

Now hit the dirt
and start twitching.

Carlton, we've got to find
those memoirs.

I'll just die if my friends
find out why Lou in Better Shoes

gives me that 10% discount.

Yeah, what if my friends find
out I sleep with a hand puppet?

(Hilary)
Move over, Carlton.

(Carlton)
'I don't have any room.'

'Will, move over.'

'Will?'

(Philip)
'Geoffrey, we'd like to speak
to you for a moment.'

He's not here, Philip, let's go.

Not so quick, Vivian.

Do you really want
Hilary to find out

she was conceived
during a Sly Stone concert?

Well, it never would have
happened if he hadn't been

five hours late.

[Will, Carlton
and Hilary screaming]

Alright, alright, alright,
everybody out. Come on.

[groaning]

What are you doing here?

[groans]
What are y'all doing here?

And I hope them concert tickets
wasn't front row.

Is that why you always play
"Hot Fun In The Summertime"

on my birthday?

Where was I conceived?

Probably at a white sale.

That's enough. Will,
why aren't you in the hospital?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I'm
scared of going under the knife.

I mean, if I wanted to get cut

I'd let Stevie Wonder
do my fade.

Sweetheart, I know you're
nervous about this operation

but you have to believe that
we know what's best for you.

The bottom line is it has to be
done. So you have a choice.

You can either be dragged in
kicking and screaming

or you can stand up
and walk in like a man.

Now, Will, we're gonna step
outside and talk to your doctor.

You've given us your word
that you won't try to escape

and...I trust you.

Abdulla, here's a 100 bucks.
If he tries to run, sit on him.

Okay, we'll be right back,
sweetheart.

Hey, so where's Max at?

Out playing doctor
with a couple of nurses?

No, I'm afraid
Max has gone to a better place.

- Wh-what? Gone?
- Yeah, he went just like that.

Wait, ho-hold it.
That's his lucky hat.

Here I am, acting like a little
baby over a couple of tonsils.

Max had all that stuff wrong
with him.

Never even complained.

So long, Max.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Will, how do you feel?

Like I swallowed a weed whacker.

Oh, hello there, Master Will.

I've brought you
something to read.

- What is it, G?
- My memoirs.

- Give me that.
- Let me have it.

Ow, mom, you scratched me.

I-I'm afraid you're in
for a disappointment.

I've just come back
from my literary agent

and the memoirs
have been rejected.

- Oh!
- Oh..

Oh, hey, I'm sorry, G.
W-what'd your agent say?

I believe he referred to it
as, "Sominex in a dust jacket."

[instrumental music]

Hi, kid.

Max. I thought you died!

In Pittsburgh I died.

It wasn't my fault.

I was opening for a seal.

W-wait. Th-the nurse said
you went on to a better place.

I did. Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

They've got cable.

Actually, I just came back
to get my lucky hat.

I'm glad you're okay, kid.

Uh, you know, maybe we could
hang out sometime.

Maybe. If you were a woman
and I had a prostate.

[laughs]

See you around, kid.

Wait, Max, you, you're
forgetting your lucky hat.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.
I forgot the hat.

[chuckles]

Tell you what, kid..

...you keep it.

Oh, nurse?

[instrumental music]

Kreplach. It's a dumpling.

I got kugel here.

Tsimmes, latkes.
Jewish sou-sou..

Oh, [bleep].

Why are you so happy about
it?

Look, kid, I'm 83 years old.

And I chewing on the [bleep].

(Max)
What you got to go through
for a lousy 100,000 a show.

[instrumental music]