The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 13 - Christmas Show - full transcript

♪ Deck the slopes
with babes in tight pants ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Carlton's gonna
get some romance ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ No you're not
'cause you're too ugly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la la-la-la
la la la ♪

♪ They'll all be in my room
cute and snuggly ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
ha-ha ha ha ♪♪

Will, is that all you're taking

for the entire
Christmas vacation?

No, man, these are just
my hair products.



What about your ski clothes?

Carlton, skiing is
for white guys named Sven..

...andO.J. Simpson.

Will, you deprived
product of the ghetto

skiing is an extremely
exhilarating sport.

What is exhilarating
about strapping

two sticks on your feet

flying down a hill
at 90 miles an hour

and slamming into a tree?

This is LA, man.
If I wanna get my head
cracked

I could star in the next
Rodney King video.

Forget it, Ashley,
I am not

getting you a stun gun
for Christmas.

I'm not really going
to use it on Cousin Bobby.



I just want to scare him
with it.

Look, we haven't seen him
since Aunt Janice's wedding.

Maybe we remember him
worse than he is.

Yeah, right, and maybe
it was Barbie's idea

to catch that tan
in the microwave.

Alright, since we're all gonna
take separate cars

to the airport,
I thought I better give you

your tickets now.

There you are.
There you are, baby.

- 'Mm-hmm.'
- Thank you.

Daddy, these tickets
are all wrong.

They look alright to me,
sweetheart.

But, daddy, they're co..

...co...coach.

Better watch it, Hil.
Next thing you know

you'll be riding a b-b-bus.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

The real estate agent
assured Mr. Banks

That this cabin
sleeps 15 people.

Well, there are thirteen of us
and only four beds.

Now, I don't know how you
do things in England

but this family
ain't that close.

All I know is Lester
and I have been saving up

for this trip all year.

We are not sleeping
on the floor.

Baby, we're on vacation.

Wherever we lie down

we aren't gonna
be sleeping.

Lester, how many times
I got to tell you

to cut down
on that vitamin E?

I am not a machine.

Well, I am. You going
to let me rock your world?

Get a grip
on yourself, Lester.

Yeah, don't encourage him.

- Mom!
- Merry Christmas!

[indistinct cheering]

Will, what is that
under your nose?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's my mustache, mom.

Yeah, I know, you hate it.

No, no, baby.
It looks great.

Everything is great. Even your
Aunt Helen's mustache is great.

Well, everything is great?

Mom, y-you okay?

Baby, listen, these days,
I'm seeing life

in a whole new
wonderful way.

This cup is not half empty.
It's half full.

Is it half full of Scotch?

Divas!

[indistinct cheering]

Janice, Frank,
how are the newlyweds?

Couldn't be..

She's just got
a little stomach bug.

I better go check on her.

Well, Frank, how are you?
It sure is good to see you.

Really? I thought you said

"Next time I see that white boy,
I hope he's under a bus."

That was just
a figure of speech.

Now, come on.
Give big sister Vy a hug.

Y-you know, mom,
that was real sweet.

Hey, somebody get
an exorcist on the phone.

Look, we didn't come
to a ski resort

to just stand around
and talk.

Now, I'm gonna go upstairs,
get into my ski clothes

put on my boots,
and go shopping.

Well, I better take
our bags up to our room.

I got news, for you, Philip.

- Thisisyour room.
- Uh, e-excuse me?

Well, there are only four beds
left and Bobby got the last one.

But for ten bucks,
you can use my sleeping bag.

I'm sure if you call
the real estate agent

he'll straighten this
whole thing out.

I never guaranteed
anyone anything.

That's my motto.

Never guarantee
anyone anything

and beware of
cross-eyed women.

What do you intend
to do about this?

Look, folks,
I'd really like to help you

but everything's rented.

There's not an empty bed
in the whole state.

I guess those cross-eyed women
are doing something right.

Enjoy.

Look, it's Christmas.

We're together, we're healthy.

It's beautiful.

Vivian's right.
You only live life once.

I say go for the gusto.

Come on.
Let's hit the slopes.

Now, wait a minute, mom.

I don't know about this
whole gusto thing.

Look, you don't even
know how to ski.

Oh, yes, I do.

Robert taught me.

Oh, well-well, excuse me.

Wo-would you like to tell me
who Robert is?

Robert Watson.
He's a friend of mine.

W-what do you mean, friend?
You mean, like, friend?

Orfriend?

We'll talk about it
later, baby.

Right now,
the slopes are waiting.

Ha-ha! Besides, honey,
I want you to see my moves.

Alright, hey, wait.
Whoa! Hold it. Hey, hey!

Has Robert seen your moves?

Come on, Phil, we got time
to get a good two hours

of skiing in before dinner.

Well, hold it right there,
Jean-Claude.

I hope you're planning
to take some skiing lessons.

I don't need lessons.
I know how to ski.

Just keep him comfortable.

Forget comfortable.

He's lucky I'm keeping him
at all.

Don't scare me
like that again.

Daddy, when you were rolling
down that big hill

you looked
just like Gumby.

Yeah, Uncle Les, a-a-and you
sounded like Patty Labelle.

Aunt Janice, you don't look
like you feel too well.

Maybe you should go shopping.

What's the matter, honey?
You're not pregnant, are
you?

It's a possibility.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, Janice, that's wonderful.

Oh, baby, that's great.

I couldn't be happier!

You couldn't?

Well, listen, now,
when the love

between two people
is strong enough

well, that love
will conquer all.

Ooh!

This Robert must have
a magic wand.

Okay..

This is going to be
a great Christmas.

- Aunt Vy's in love..
- Yes, child.

Janice is going to
have a baby.

Shh!
Keep your voice down.

Frank doesn't know yet.

I'm not even sure.

Oh, well,
get a home pregnancy test.

All you do is fill
a little tube with..

...well, you know.

If it turns blue,
you're pregnant

if it doesn't,
you're not.

Oh, grow up.

(Will)
Here we are
in the lovely state of Utah.

Don't ask me why.

Only black people I've seen
have been

in the Ray Charles
Pepsi commercial.

You're kidding.
Every time I turn around

I see a black person.

So, so, so, did you whiz
in the tube?

Oh, it's upstairs. I'm
afraid
to look at it by myself.

I want all of you guys
to share this with me.

Come on, girl.

This is a pregnancy test,
not an order of nachos.

Can I have everyone's
attention, please?

In honor of this rare
and special occasion

I've compiled a special
holiday medley

and it goes a little
something like this.

♪ Silent.. ♪

Ow!

Yo, how about
some real music?

Let's see what's on the
radio.

[rock music]

Oh, honey, Philip and I

used to tear up the dance floor
on this song.

What do you mean, used to, baby?
Hold on.

Hey, come on, one-leg daddy.

Let's show them
how it's really done.

[music continues]

Yo, hey, check it out!

'It's old time
at the Apollo!'

Come on, let's go down
to the lodge

we'll be appreciated, huh?

Christmas party starts
in 15 minutes.

Whoo!

Ow...ow...ow.

Oh, man, I sure wish
Robbie was here.

He certainly would enjoy this.

Wait, wait. Hold it.
Wait a minute, mom.

Who is this Robert guy?

I mean, where did you
meet him at?

I mean, what does he do for
a living? What do his parents--

Mwah!
Goodnight, Will.

- Ho-ho!
- Hey, hey..

You be back here by 10:00!

And don't make me have to
come down there and get you!

[music continues]

[knocking on door]

Who could that be?

That's probably
Donny and Marie

coming over to borrow
a cup of rhythm.

Oh, hi.
I-I-I'm Arnold Tish.

M-my car's broke down.
C-c-can I use your phone?

- Oh, sure.
- Whoa, whoa.

Hold up a second, my man.

Will, why'd you do that?

Carlton, you suburban twit.
This guy's a stranger.

Will, it is freezing
outside.
Let him in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Unless he is on a mule
with a pregnant virgin

he ain't getting in here.

Will, wouldn't you want
someone to help you

if you were in his shoes?

I didn't even see his shoes
and I'd help him.

Will, it's Christmas.

Yeah. Aren't the holidays
about sharing?

Alright, alright,
let him in.

- Come on in, my man.
- I-I'll get the phone for you.

Well, why don't you have
a nice seat by the
fireplace?

What's did you say
your name was again?

- A-A-Arnold.
- Oh, hi, Arnold.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, my man, Arnold

why don't you say
Merry Christmas for the camera?

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Uh, oh, c-c-could I say
one more thing?

(Will)
'Yeah. Hurry up, though.
I'm about to run out of tape.'

Oh, okay. Um, nobody move.

This is a stick-up.

[instrumental music]

[muffled]
Move!

[video game beeping]

Oh, my God.

Oh, Bobby, honey, how many times
I have to tell you

don't tie up the family.

The creep even took
the toilet paper.

Don't ask me how I know.

He took my home
pregnancy test, too.

Well, maybe he'll call in
with the results.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

Gosh, I'm glad I came.

Hi, there.

Boy, howdy.

Looks like you folks
have been picked cleaner

than Pavarotti's
chicken bones.

Wait a minute. I thought you
were the real estate agent.

I am. I'm also the sheriff,
notary public

mortician, and, uh, I'm a pretty
good little dancer, too.

Let me guess,
there's a lot of marriage

between first cousins
in this town, right?

Okay, let me see
if I got this right?

He's a short, tall, medium
height Caucasian male

with strawberry, dirty-blond,
brown hair

weighing somewhere
between 125 and 200 pounds.

Yeah, that's him. And
dude'll
be carrying my boom box.

Right.

What the hell is a boom box?

So, sheriff,
what are the chances

of us getting
our stuff back?

- Can I be honest with you?
- Please do.

Buy all new stuff.

Merry Christmas.

Well, there's nothing
we can do about it now.

Why don't we just try
and get some sleep?

It's not quite that simple.

There are only enough beds
for seven of us, remember?

Well, I'm not sleeping
with anyone but Lester..

except maybe
Denzel Washington.

Look, I know how
to settle this.

Everybody who chipped in on
renting this cabin gets a bed.

Time-out. Time-out.

That means all the kids have to

sleep on the floor.

(in unison)
Works for me.

Will?

Will, are you asleep?

No, Carlton,
I'm doing homeboy yoga.

Will..

...I was really scared tonight.

Yeah, Carlton. You're scared
of zipper-fly jeans.

Come on. Weren't you scared,
just a little bit?

What, are you tripping, man?

Scared?

I was petrified, man.

If Ashley hadn't slapped me,
man, I might have screamed.

I'll tell you one thing

what happened tonight made
me
realize how precious life is

and I promised myself
that I'd always make sure

I let my family know
how much I love them.

So, um..

...I just want to say..

...I love you, Will.

A-aren't you going
to say it back?

[snores]

I know how you feel,
even if you won't say it.

♪ The road is long ♪

♪ With many a winding turn
that leads us to.. ♪

If there is an ounce
of decency left in you

just tell him you love him.

It's okay, Ash.

♪ Because we are family ♪

♪ Hey hey hey yeah ♪

♪ I got all my sisters-- ♪

I love you, man, alright?
I love you! I love you!

I love you, too.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

- What's so merry about it?
- Yeah, yeah, right.

Well, if no one else going to
put up a front, neither am I.

This is the worst damn
Christmas I've ever had!

Look at this fool.

So, Jeffrey,
what's for breakfast?

Hot water
and chewing gum, sir.

You mean he stole
the food, too?

Hey, look what I found!

- A tea bag!
- Hey!

Hey, it ain't a Belgian waffle,
but it'll do.

- Well, pass it around.
- You know what?

This reminds me
of the Christmas

that mama got laid off of work

and she brought us home
those dolls, remember?

Oh, yeah, she couldn't
afford their clothes

so she told us
they were topless.

I remember one Christmas I
wanted a set of drums so
bad.

Mama and papa couldn't
afford them

so they set up the pots
and pans like drums.

I whaled on those things
till suppertime.

Then mama had to take them apart
so she could cook.

[all laugh]

Does that mean you're going
to go out and make me a Miata?

No, sweetheart, but I am
going to give you a gift.

This year, I'm going
to give my family

less of my money
and more of myself.

For my gift,
I'm going to make sure

that this family
stays close.

Seeing my family
just once a year

just isn't enough.

Aw..

Well, I'm giving Helen
my ears

because sometimes
what she says

makes more sense
than I give her credit for.

Well..

Well, I'm going to try
to speak softer

so maybe I'll be easier
to listen to.

I'm going to try and be more
like my aunts and my mother

who are all warm,
wonderful, strong black women.

Oh, thank you.

For my Christmas gift

I'm going to give
Ashley a noogie.

I'm going to give
Bobby five seconds

before I ram that video game
down his throat!

Well, you've already
given me my gift.

I've got Janice

and I'm proud to be
a part of this family.

Aw..

And I am going to...throw up!

Oh, baby!

Now, there's a gift for
the person who has everything.

Hey, um, I-I-I'm gonna just
go check on her.

No, no, no, you don't.
That's Frank's job.

Come on.
It's your turn.

Um..

Well, I guess
my gift to you, mom

i-is, uh...is me.

Mama, you don't need
that Robert.

Thanks, baby, but I
already have one of you.

Well, then I guess I'm-I'm going
to try to be more understanding.

Just don't come around here
with no babies.

You're my only baby.

Madam, sir..

...this family is as close
to me as my very own.

My gift to you will be..

...a set of hand towels.

I'm British.

I'm no good
at this mushy stuff.

You ain't no good at picking
Christmas gifts neither.

[knock on door]

Merry Christmas, folks.

I got good news.
We got the guy who robbed you.

- Alright!
- That's great!

He didn't get very far.
Nope.

The tire blew out
on your rental car

and he slammed right into
the courthouse nativity scene.

Baby Jesus went through the
windshield knocked him out cold.

Ahh! The Lord works
in mysterious ways.

- Oh, yes!
- Yes.

Uh, the bad news is he'd already
unloaded all your stuff

except for one thing.

Someone in this room
is pregnant.

Boy, don't you even
think it.

Congratulations and, uh..

...happy Kwanza.

Honey, remember that night

when I said,
"Better safe than sorry?"

Uh-huh.

Sorry.

Holy smokes.

[indistinct chatter]

(Carlton)
'Hey, wait a minute.'

I didn't get to give
my Christmas gift.

Uh, it's a holiday medley

and its dedicated
to Janice and Frank.

Oh..

♪ Oh holy night ♪

♪ The stars
are brightly shining ♪

♪ It is-- ♪

H-hey, wait a minute!

Um, you guys
are drowning me out.

My gift to you
was a solo.

Oh, no, no, Carlton,
you can still sing solo.

So low that we can't
hear you.

♪ Oh holy night ♪

♪ The stars are brightly.. ♪

♪ The weary world rejoices ♪

♪ For yonder breaks ♪

♪ A new and glorious morn' ♪

♪ Fall on your knees ♪

♪ Oh hear the angels'
voices.. ♪♪