The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 14 - Hilary Gets a Life - full transcript
Philip and Vivian force Hilary to get a job after going over the family's credit card bills.
Yo, man, signing up
for Singles and Mingles
was a bumpin' idea,
but, you know
these dating services
sure cost a lot of bones.
[scoffs]
Yeah, who are you telling?
To pay for it I had to do double
duty down at the restaurant.
I thought it was tough
being a pirate.
That ain't nothin'
compared to being a salad wench.
Well, I'm done filling out
my application.
Maybe I should put
my scent on it, huh?
Hey. I think not.
Let's see, "Occupation, waiter.
Income, $3.50 an hour."
Ty, you're not gonna get a date
you're gonna get a hot meal
and a box of free clothes.
You gotta write the things
that would appeal
to the kind of woman
you want, man.
So what's your occupation?
Oh, well, I'm a Biblical scholar
a nuclear physicist
and a doctor who saves
the lives of orphaned children.
Wow, man. Wh-what kind of woman
are you looking for?
Someone with really,
really big breasts.
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story ♪
♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you how I became
the prince of a town ♪
♪ Called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪
♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪
♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
I am so full.
We have got to stop
with these lunches.
Oh! I will never eat again.
So where are we going
to lunch tomorrow?
I'm sorry, Hil, but I can't,
I've got to study
for my med-school entrance exam.
Oh, right. Well, great!
When your looks go,
they'll still respect you.
So, Cindy, where do you want
to do lunch tomorrow?
Sorry, Hil, I have an interview
with an IBM recruiter.
Oh, God, everyone's got
something to do but me.
Maybe I should get a job.
[laughing]
Look, I'm telling you, man,
it'll be cool.
No one's going to believe
you're a nuclear physicist.
You have trouble working
the pumps on your shoes.
Let me check in
with my fan club.
Ow!
So, I got a little
question for y'all.
Do y'all see me more
as a Biblical scholar
or a nuclear physicist?
I see you as..
...an extra from "Hook."
You better watch it before
I make you walk the plank.
Hey, if I'm going to
find a dress
for my interview,
we better get going.
Oh, I can't, do you believe,
my parents have called
some kind of family meeting?
I mean, do I look
like a Huxtable?
Oh, great. You're all together.
Will, we've got something
to say to you.
We just want to
congratulate you
for setting such a fine example
for the other kids.
Is this some kind of sick joke?
No, baby. Not at all.
We are very proud of
the way you've managed
to balance your schoolwork
and your part-time job.
Is this some kind
of sick joke?
These bills are no joke.
You kids could stand to
learn
a thing or two from Will.
Are we, like,
in the Twilight Zone?
When does everyone
put on the pig masks?
Carlton,
$90 for a pair of socks?
- That's ridiculous.
- It certainly is!
Um.. Oh, honey, that's
$9.00.
Oh, okay.
Ashley, how could
you manage to charge
$80 worth of trinkets
on our account at the drugstore?
Uh, that's 80 cents.
Sweetie, don't you think you
need to get your eyes
checked?
Don't be ridiculous, Vivian.
This has been going on
for months.
If you move the TV
any closer to the bed
I'll be sleeping
with Jay Leno.
I can see just fine.
They're just making the print
smaller than they used to.
Now, this looks like
$300 for a pair of shoes.
- What does it say?
- $300 for shoes.
- 'Hm.'
- Point being?
Kids, we'd like to talk
to Hilary alone.
Yes, sir!
I think I'll slide out
and simonize my halo.
Hilary, when you quit college
we made an agreement
that you would pay your own way.
Hilary, most of these bills
are yours.
You spend more on clothes
than most small countries
spend on grain.
You're gonna have to find
yourself a job, young lady
and you're gonna have to keep it
for longer than one day.
Okay, you're right.
You're right.
I haven't lived up to
my end of the bargain.
And I feel terrible.
I really do.
Okay, I'm making a New
Year's
resolution to find a job..
...right after Easter.
Don't.
Vivian, I can't
take this anymore.
Hilary, at your age,
I shouldn't have to do this.
No, daddy, no!
This is gonna hurt me
much more than it hurts you.
I want you to
reach into that purse
and give me your credit cards.
Now, young lady!
[Hilary screams]
Yes, hi. I'm Dr. Smith.
Sorry I'm late,
I had to slide down
to the nuclear facility
and split an atom.
I give up. I can't get a job.
I can't even pound
the pavement right.
Guess your interview
didn't go too good, huh?
It's just not fair.
I want my employer
to want me for me
not for what I've accomplished.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, Hil, I do, and it scares
the hell out of me.
Tomorrow's just going
to be more of the same.
I'm interviewing
at a catering company
but I'll never get the job.
'Cause it's a cold,
cold world, Will
and unfortunately, these people
only want one thing.
What, your body?
No. My resume.
Let me look at it.
Alright, here we go.
Well, first things first.
If you're gonna want people
to take you seriously
you're gonna have to stop
dotting your I's
with these little hearts.
And you're applying for a
position at a catering company?
Yes, but I don't know
anything
about catering.
Come on, girl,
what are you, tripping?
How many catered affairs
have you been to?
I don't know.
Four, maybe 500.
Okay, there we go
six thousand hours of
catering experience.
Didn't you spend, like,
three summers in Paris?
[scoffs]
Yes. I gained ten pounds
eating croissants.
Studied pastry-making
with the French masters.
But, Will, I am no good
in the kitchen.
I mean, the last time
I tried to make breakfast
I burned the entire stove
to a crisp.
Expert in the art of flambe.
Hey-hey.
Hi, Will.
Philip, you really
should get your eyes
checked.
Oh. I'll make an appointment to
see the eye doctor tomorrow.
Uh, Tyriq, Will's upstairs.
I'll go get him.
Oh, no, that's okay, Ashley.
I'll get him.
Yo, Will, it's Ty!
You sure he heard you?
Yo, that's a good point.
You got a broom?
I mean, I could bang
on the ceiling. Ha-ha!
Why you got my shirt on, man?
Hey, man. Wait, wait, wait.
What you talking about
your shirt, man?
You said you weren't
going to buy it.
I said I wouldn't if I wereyou.
I got the shoulders for it.
That shirt looks good
on anyone.
All the guys in eighth grade
have one.
Um, I'mma take mine back, man.
Yeah, alright.
Well, me, too, you know.
I better return mine
before my scent overpowers it.
I think you guys are
spending
too much time together.
Hey, how did the interview
go?
You are looking at
the new catering director
for Delectable Eats.
I am single-handedly
overseeing a bar mitzvah
for 200 people this Saturday.
I'm so happy for you!
(Philip)
Congratulations, baby!
Mom, dad..
...this time I think
I've really found my niche
and I owe it all to you.
Oh, this is so exciting!
Why don't you
help me fix dinner?
Please.
You can't afford me.
Look, you said
you was gonna take yours back.
Come on, now, man, look.
I deserve to keep the shirt
because I was in eighth grade
the longest.
Look, now, come on, man,
this definitely ain't going to
do nothing for the misconception
that all brothers look alike.
Fine. But wait,
what are we doing here, anyway?
I thought you said we were
going to the bar mista.
It's bar mitzvah, dunce cap.
The Bar Mista is
a go-go joint on Sunset.
Oh, thanks, guys.
Could you get the rest
of the stuff out of the car?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll grab that, Hil
but I told you,
we gotta get out of here.
We get to meet who we got
matched up with today
and I don't want to miss out
a lovely young lady
who thinks I'm Arsenio's
younger brother Vesuvia.
Barb, hi.
- So, what do you think?
- Hil, hi.
Everything looks wonderful.
You are a gem.
Now, remember,
the serving crew should wear
the new aprons I bought.
By the way,
where is the serving crew?
Serving crew?
By that you mean
the crew that serves?
Are they in the party room?
By that you mean the room
where the party is?
[laughs]
Um, no. The serving crew, um
is not in the party room
at this point in time, Barb
because, you see, they're..
Right here!
Hi, serving crew.
What a great idea, Hilary.
I love the matching shirts.
My son in eighth grade has one.
Well, I must dash.
See you this evening.
Ciao.
Thanks, guys. You saved me.
Do you think you could stay
and help serve?
Do I look like Hazel?
Look, Hilary, I told you
we had something to do.
We can't stay.
Okay, if I lose this job
I guess,
I can always sell my hair.
That's cool,
just make sure Uncle Phil
pays you top dollar for it.
[Hilary sobbing]
Hilary, I told you
from the beginning
that we were gonna have to go.
Now don't try to pull this.
[sobbing]
What kind of monster are
you?
Alright, alright.
Look, look, Hil.
Uh, me and Ty
got to meet our dates
but we'll go home and we'll get
the others to help you.
Uh, okay, but don't
tell mom and dad.
Okay, I don't want them
to think I'm messing up.
Alright, that's fine. We won't.
But the others, good as
here.
Forget it, Will.
I'd rather share a seesaw
with Delta Burke.
Ashley?
You know how hard it is
for me to say no.
No.
Easier than I thought. Neat.
I don't believe you two.
Hilary is your sister.
Look, if it weren't for her,
man, you'd..
Every time you've been
in a jam, she..
She's always the first one..
Hilary's your sister!
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
First you lied
on your dating application
then you lied
on Hilary's resume.
A lie always comes back
to haunt you.
Sort of like that
heat rash on your neck
that you've been passing off
in gym class as a hickey?
Enough said.
Uh, l-look,
it won't be that bad, man.
How hard can it be to serve
a couple 13-year-old boys?
Thirteen-year-old boys?
Count me in!
After all, Hilary's my sister.
Alright, thanks. Um, now I just
gotta try to get G to come.
You know how tight he is
with his days off.
Hey, G! Big, big party, man!
Plenty of honeys!
No.
Well, G's probably right.
How much fun could you have
with chumpies
named Di, Fergie, and Elizabeth,
uh, you know?
He's lying.
It's clearly a lie.
It's a blatant,
bold-faced lie!
I'll hate myself
in the morning.
What's the point of
a bar mitzvah, anyway?
It's when a Jewish boy
becomes a man.
In front of all these people?
Where's the princess?
Here I am!
Geoffrey, you have
saved my life, as usual.
Thank you so much for helping me
on your day off.
Miss Hilary, it will be
my pleasure to help you
in your hour of need.
As for you..
...there is a special place
for you in homeboy hell.
Well, Hil, looks like
you're all set.
Me and Ty are
about to break out.
But I need you.
No, okay?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not going
to work this time.
But you're the one who said
I could do this job!
Hilary, listen. I told you
all day we had to go,
alright?
Look, just-just stop it now,
okay? Stop it!
Ty, look, she-she really
needs our help, man.
She's in a jam.
Can we help her out?
Alright, o-okay.
But, you know, not for long.
'Cause this is
my one chance to date a
woman
who doesn't wear all her
gold
in her mouth.
Just 20 minutes. We'll be out
of here in 20 minutes.
Great!
Okay, servers,
let's go out there
and show those party-goers
the best darn time
they've ever had!
Say it once, say it loud
we've got Brie
and we're proud!
(all)
We've got Brie
and we're proud.
[instrumental music]
Hilary!
What is wrong with you,
child?
They're out there!
Well, Hilary,
other than the pork thing
they're pretty much
just like us.
No. Uh!
I'm talking about
Cindy and Krista.
Oh! If my friends
see me serving food
I'll be the laughing stock
of Bel-Air.
Hilary, don't be ridiculous.
Carlton's the laughing stock
of Bel-Air.
Besides, you're the caterer.
You can't hide in the kitchen
all night.
You're right.
They might come in here.
What are you..
Hilary!
You know,
ever since yougot a job
I've been working
my butt off!
Blacks and Jews
have a lot in common.
A cherished heritage
a strong sense of community
frizzy hair..
[sighs]
Oh, look!
A Donna Karan suit, right in
the middle of the kitchen floor!
What color?
You got to come out
and see that.
(Hilary)
'Sorry, Will, it won't work.'
Hey, look, G,
she won't listen to me, man.
I give up.
I think it's time
you came out of the closet.
Let me.
Sonny, what you do
in the privacy of the bedroom
is nobody's business but yours.
Just be true to yourself!
He'll come around.
That's it.
If you don't come out,
I'm coming in!
Miss Hilary, will you please
be sensible?
My friends are out there,
Geoffrey.
One of them is going to go
to medical school.
The other one landed
a job with IBM.
And if they see me
out there serving
they're gonna think
I'm a big fat zero.
What matters is what
you think about yourself.
Maybe in Des Moines.
This is L.A., okay?
Besides, I lied
to get this job
and now I can't do it.
I quit.
Miss Hilary,
remember when you were nine
you begged your parents
to buy you a violin?
But five minutes into your
first lesson, what did you do?
I quit. I had to.
It irritated my chin.
And what about ballet?
I quit. I had to.
I was starting to get feet
like Fred Flintstone.
And cheerleading?
Okay, okay,
I quit that, too.
But they wanted me to go
to away games on a bus!
Miss Hilary,
you can't go through life
quitting everything.
You never achieve anything
unless you stick
with something.
And you should
stick with this
'because you've done a truly
remarkable job on this party.'
I can't remember
when I've seen you this happy.
Yeah, but, Geoffrey, what
difference does it make?
I mean, do you really see
Cindy saying
"Wow, you just gotta meet
my friend Hilary Banks.
She can sculpt cauliflower into
a bust of Barbara Streisand."
There's nothing demeaning about
serving others, young lady.
I'm very good at my job
and in that I take great pride.
I'm not as strong
as you are, Geoffrey.
Oh, no?
Well, I had a hand
in raising you, Miss Hilary
and if I do say so myself
Geoffrey don't raise no fools.
Now, if you love this job
as much as I think you do
go out there, pick up a tray
and enter that room as if
you were the Queen of England.
Oh, but she's so dowdy.
Can I be Princess Caroline
instead?
Get busy, princess.
That's it, Hilary!
I am sick and tired
of your attitude. Okay?
Now you get your spoiled butt
up out this closet
and you go out there
and strut your puffs!
Well, I'm a bad boy, ain't
I?
She's really in a jam, man.
Can we just help her out?
Okay, man,
but, you know, not for long.
This is my one time
to date a woman
who doesn't wear
all the gold in her mouth
and you're all.. [bleep]
[laughing]
But you're the one who said
I could do this job.
Look, Hilary, come on.
Look..
[stammering]
[laughing]
[stammering]
(Will)
That was so articulate!
for Singles and Mingles
was a bumpin' idea,
but, you know
these dating services
sure cost a lot of bones.
[scoffs]
Yeah, who are you telling?
To pay for it I had to do double
duty down at the restaurant.
I thought it was tough
being a pirate.
That ain't nothin'
compared to being a salad wench.
Well, I'm done filling out
my application.
Maybe I should put
my scent on it, huh?
Hey. I think not.
Let's see, "Occupation, waiter.
Income, $3.50 an hour."
Ty, you're not gonna get a date
you're gonna get a hot meal
and a box of free clothes.
You gotta write the things
that would appeal
to the kind of woman
you want, man.
So what's your occupation?
Oh, well, I'm a Biblical scholar
a nuclear physicist
and a doctor who saves
the lives of orphaned children.
Wow, man. Wh-what kind of woman
are you looking for?
Someone with really,
really big breasts.
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story ♪
♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside-down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you how I became
the prince of a town ♪
♪ Called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪
♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪
♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
I am so full.
We have got to stop
with these lunches.
Oh! I will never eat again.
So where are we going
to lunch tomorrow?
I'm sorry, Hil, but I can't,
I've got to study
for my med-school entrance exam.
Oh, right. Well, great!
When your looks go,
they'll still respect you.
So, Cindy, where do you want
to do lunch tomorrow?
Sorry, Hil, I have an interview
with an IBM recruiter.
Oh, God, everyone's got
something to do but me.
Maybe I should get a job.
[laughing]
Look, I'm telling you, man,
it'll be cool.
No one's going to believe
you're a nuclear physicist.
You have trouble working
the pumps on your shoes.
Let me check in
with my fan club.
Ow!
So, I got a little
question for y'all.
Do y'all see me more
as a Biblical scholar
or a nuclear physicist?
I see you as..
...an extra from "Hook."
You better watch it before
I make you walk the plank.
Hey, if I'm going to
find a dress
for my interview,
we better get going.
Oh, I can't, do you believe,
my parents have called
some kind of family meeting?
I mean, do I look
like a Huxtable?
Oh, great. You're all together.
Will, we've got something
to say to you.
We just want to
congratulate you
for setting such a fine example
for the other kids.
Is this some kind of sick joke?
No, baby. Not at all.
We are very proud of
the way you've managed
to balance your schoolwork
and your part-time job.
Is this some kind
of sick joke?
These bills are no joke.
You kids could stand to
learn
a thing or two from Will.
Are we, like,
in the Twilight Zone?
When does everyone
put on the pig masks?
Carlton,
$90 for a pair of socks?
- That's ridiculous.
- It certainly is!
Um.. Oh, honey, that's
$9.00.
Oh, okay.
Ashley, how could
you manage to charge
$80 worth of trinkets
on our account at the drugstore?
Uh, that's 80 cents.
Sweetie, don't you think you
need to get your eyes
checked?
Don't be ridiculous, Vivian.
This has been going on
for months.
If you move the TV
any closer to the bed
I'll be sleeping
with Jay Leno.
I can see just fine.
They're just making the print
smaller than they used to.
Now, this looks like
$300 for a pair of shoes.
- What does it say?
- $300 for shoes.
- 'Hm.'
- Point being?
Kids, we'd like to talk
to Hilary alone.
Yes, sir!
I think I'll slide out
and simonize my halo.
Hilary, when you quit college
we made an agreement
that you would pay your own way.
Hilary, most of these bills
are yours.
You spend more on clothes
than most small countries
spend on grain.
You're gonna have to find
yourself a job, young lady
and you're gonna have to keep it
for longer than one day.
Okay, you're right.
You're right.
I haven't lived up to
my end of the bargain.
And I feel terrible.
I really do.
Okay, I'm making a New
Year's
resolution to find a job..
...right after Easter.
Don't.
Vivian, I can't
take this anymore.
Hilary, at your age,
I shouldn't have to do this.
No, daddy, no!
This is gonna hurt me
much more than it hurts you.
I want you to
reach into that purse
and give me your credit cards.
Now, young lady!
[Hilary screams]
Yes, hi. I'm Dr. Smith.
Sorry I'm late,
I had to slide down
to the nuclear facility
and split an atom.
I give up. I can't get a job.
I can't even pound
the pavement right.
Guess your interview
didn't go too good, huh?
It's just not fair.
I want my employer
to want me for me
not for what I've accomplished.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, Hil, I do, and it scares
the hell out of me.
Tomorrow's just going
to be more of the same.
I'm interviewing
at a catering company
but I'll never get the job.
'Cause it's a cold,
cold world, Will
and unfortunately, these people
only want one thing.
What, your body?
No. My resume.
Let me look at it.
Alright, here we go.
Well, first things first.
If you're gonna want people
to take you seriously
you're gonna have to stop
dotting your I's
with these little hearts.
And you're applying for a
position at a catering company?
Yes, but I don't know
anything
about catering.
Come on, girl,
what are you, tripping?
How many catered affairs
have you been to?
I don't know.
Four, maybe 500.
Okay, there we go
six thousand hours of
catering experience.
Didn't you spend, like,
three summers in Paris?
[scoffs]
Yes. I gained ten pounds
eating croissants.
Studied pastry-making
with the French masters.
But, Will, I am no good
in the kitchen.
I mean, the last time
I tried to make breakfast
I burned the entire stove
to a crisp.
Expert in the art of flambe.
Hey-hey.
Hi, Will.
Philip, you really
should get your eyes
checked.
Oh. I'll make an appointment to
see the eye doctor tomorrow.
Uh, Tyriq, Will's upstairs.
I'll go get him.
Oh, no, that's okay, Ashley.
I'll get him.
Yo, Will, it's Ty!
You sure he heard you?
Yo, that's a good point.
You got a broom?
I mean, I could bang
on the ceiling. Ha-ha!
Why you got my shirt on, man?
Hey, man. Wait, wait, wait.
What you talking about
your shirt, man?
You said you weren't
going to buy it.
I said I wouldn't if I wereyou.
I got the shoulders for it.
That shirt looks good
on anyone.
All the guys in eighth grade
have one.
Um, I'mma take mine back, man.
Yeah, alright.
Well, me, too, you know.
I better return mine
before my scent overpowers it.
I think you guys are
spending
too much time together.
Hey, how did the interview
go?
You are looking at
the new catering director
for Delectable Eats.
I am single-handedly
overseeing a bar mitzvah
for 200 people this Saturday.
I'm so happy for you!
(Philip)
Congratulations, baby!
Mom, dad..
...this time I think
I've really found my niche
and I owe it all to you.
Oh, this is so exciting!
Why don't you
help me fix dinner?
Please.
You can't afford me.
Look, you said
you was gonna take yours back.
Come on, now, man, look.
I deserve to keep the shirt
because I was in eighth grade
the longest.
Look, now, come on, man,
this definitely ain't going to
do nothing for the misconception
that all brothers look alike.
Fine. But wait,
what are we doing here, anyway?
I thought you said we were
going to the bar mista.
It's bar mitzvah, dunce cap.
The Bar Mista is
a go-go joint on Sunset.
Oh, thanks, guys.
Could you get the rest
of the stuff out of the car?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll grab that, Hil
but I told you,
we gotta get out of here.
We get to meet who we got
matched up with today
and I don't want to miss out
a lovely young lady
who thinks I'm Arsenio's
younger brother Vesuvia.
Barb, hi.
- So, what do you think?
- Hil, hi.
Everything looks wonderful.
You are a gem.
Now, remember,
the serving crew should wear
the new aprons I bought.
By the way,
where is the serving crew?
Serving crew?
By that you mean
the crew that serves?
Are they in the party room?
By that you mean the room
where the party is?
[laughs]
Um, no. The serving crew, um
is not in the party room
at this point in time, Barb
because, you see, they're..
Right here!
Hi, serving crew.
What a great idea, Hilary.
I love the matching shirts.
My son in eighth grade has one.
Well, I must dash.
See you this evening.
Ciao.
Thanks, guys. You saved me.
Do you think you could stay
and help serve?
Do I look like Hazel?
Look, Hilary, I told you
we had something to do.
We can't stay.
Okay, if I lose this job
I guess,
I can always sell my hair.
That's cool,
just make sure Uncle Phil
pays you top dollar for it.
[Hilary sobbing]
Hilary, I told you
from the beginning
that we were gonna have to go.
Now don't try to pull this.
[sobbing]
What kind of monster are
you?
Alright, alright.
Look, look, Hil.
Uh, me and Ty
got to meet our dates
but we'll go home and we'll get
the others to help you.
Uh, okay, but don't
tell mom and dad.
Okay, I don't want them
to think I'm messing up.
Alright, that's fine. We won't.
But the others, good as
here.
Forget it, Will.
I'd rather share a seesaw
with Delta Burke.
Ashley?
You know how hard it is
for me to say no.
No.
Easier than I thought. Neat.
I don't believe you two.
Hilary is your sister.
Look, if it weren't for her,
man, you'd..
Every time you've been
in a jam, she..
She's always the first one..
Hilary's your sister!
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
First you lied
on your dating application
then you lied
on Hilary's resume.
A lie always comes back
to haunt you.
Sort of like that
heat rash on your neck
that you've been passing off
in gym class as a hickey?
Enough said.
Uh, l-look,
it won't be that bad, man.
How hard can it be to serve
a couple 13-year-old boys?
Thirteen-year-old boys?
Count me in!
After all, Hilary's my sister.
Alright, thanks. Um, now I just
gotta try to get G to come.
You know how tight he is
with his days off.
Hey, G! Big, big party, man!
Plenty of honeys!
No.
Well, G's probably right.
How much fun could you have
with chumpies
named Di, Fergie, and Elizabeth,
uh, you know?
He's lying.
It's clearly a lie.
It's a blatant,
bold-faced lie!
I'll hate myself
in the morning.
What's the point of
a bar mitzvah, anyway?
It's when a Jewish boy
becomes a man.
In front of all these people?
Where's the princess?
Here I am!
Geoffrey, you have
saved my life, as usual.
Thank you so much for helping me
on your day off.
Miss Hilary, it will be
my pleasure to help you
in your hour of need.
As for you..
...there is a special place
for you in homeboy hell.
Well, Hil, looks like
you're all set.
Me and Ty are
about to break out.
But I need you.
No, okay?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not going
to work this time.
But you're the one who said
I could do this job!
Hilary, listen. I told you
all day we had to go,
alright?
Look, just-just stop it now,
okay? Stop it!
Ty, look, she-she really
needs our help, man.
She's in a jam.
Can we help her out?
Alright, o-okay.
But, you know, not for long.
'Cause this is
my one chance to date a
woman
who doesn't wear all her
gold
in her mouth.
Just 20 minutes. We'll be out
of here in 20 minutes.
Great!
Okay, servers,
let's go out there
and show those party-goers
the best darn time
they've ever had!
Say it once, say it loud
we've got Brie
and we're proud!
(all)
We've got Brie
and we're proud.
[instrumental music]
Hilary!
What is wrong with you,
child?
They're out there!
Well, Hilary,
other than the pork thing
they're pretty much
just like us.
No. Uh!
I'm talking about
Cindy and Krista.
Oh! If my friends
see me serving food
I'll be the laughing stock
of Bel-Air.
Hilary, don't be ridiculous.
Carlton's the laughing stock
of Bel-Air.
Besides, you're the caterer.
You can't hide in the kitchen
all night.
You're right.
They might come in here.
What are you..
Hilary!
You know,
ever since yougot a job
I've been working
my butt off!
Blacks and Jews
have a lot in common.
A cherished heritage
a strong sense of community
frizzy hair..
[sighs]
Oh, look!
A Donna Karan suit, right in
the middle of the kitchen floor!
What color?
You got to come out
and see that.
(Hilary)
'Sorry, Will, it won't work.'
Hey, look, G,
she won't listen to me, man.
I give up.
I think it's time
you came out of the closet.
Let me.
Sonny, what you do
in the privacy of the bedroom
is nobody's business but yours.
Just be true to yourself!
He'll come around.
That's it.
If you don't come out,
I'm coming in!
Miss Hilary, will you please
be sensible?
My friends are out there,
Geoffrey.
One of them is going to go
to medical school.
The other one landed
a job with IBM.
And if they see me
out there serving
they're gonna think
I'm a big fat zero.
What matters is what
you think about yourself.
Maybe in Des Moines.
This is L.A., okay?
Besides, I lied
to get this job
and now I can't do it.
I quit.
Miss Hilary,
remember when you were nine
you begged your parents
to buy you a violin?
But five minutes into your
first lesson, what did you do?
I quit. I had to.
It irritated my chin.
And what about ballet?
I quit. I had to.
I was starting to get feet
like Fred Flintstone.
And cheerleading?
Okay, okay,
I quit that, too.
But they wanted me to go
to away games on a bus!
Miss Hilary,
you can't go through life
quitting everything.
You never achieve anything
unless you stick
with something.
And you should
stick with this
'because you've done a truly
remarkable job on this party.'
I can't remember
when I've seen you this happy.
Yeah, but, Geoffrey, what
difference does it make?
I mean, do you really see
Cindy saying
"Wow, you just gotta meet
my friend Hilary Banks.
She can sculpt cauliflower into
a bust of Barbara Streisand."
There's nothing demeaning about
serving others, young lady.
I'm very good at my job
and in that I take great pride.
I'm not as strong
as you are, Geoffrey.
Oh, no?
Well, I had a hand
in raising you, Miss Hilary
and if I do say so myself
Geoffrey don't raise no fools.
Now, if you love this job
as much as I think you do
go out there, pick up a tray
and enter that room as if
you were the Queen of England.
Oh, but she's so dowdy.
Can I be Princess Caroline
instead?
Get busy, princess.
That's it, Hilary!
I am sick and tired
of your attitude. Okay?
Now you get your spoiled butt
up out this closet
and you go out there
and strut your puffs!
Well, I'm a bad boy, ain't
I?
She's really in a jam, man.
Can we just help her out?
Okay, man,
but, you know, not for long.
This is my one time
to date a woman
who doesn't wear
all the gold in her mouth
and you're all.. [bleep]
[laughing]
But you're the one who said
I could do this job.
Look, Hilary, come on.
Look..
[stammering]
[laughing]
[stammering]
(Will)
That was so articulate!