The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Butler Did It - full transcript

[theme music]

Will, it's nice of you to help
mom and dad with their bags.

Oh, yeah, man, you know

I mean,
they treat me so good here

I'll do whatever I can
to repay their kindness.

Can't wait for them to leave
either, huh?

Does Barry White want seconds?

Well, as acting head of
the household this weekend

I think you'll find me tough,
yet fair.

Firm, yet kind.

Hey, besides, man, Hilary's
the oldest. She's in charge.



But not equipped to lead.
She's a figurehead.

Like Queen Elizabeth.
Dan Quayle.

Colonel Sanders.

Now, I've typed up
a few ground rules.

I think you should
check this out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Carlton, come on, man.

You gotta loosen up
a little bit, man.

You're too tight,
wonder you don't sneeze

and pop your drawers.

Will, please, I'm hardly
a stranger to life on the edge.

I can't count
the number of times

I've gone swimming
right after eating.

I've been through
the whole neighborhood

and I haven't sold
one box of cookies.



Even Shelley Winters
turned me down.

Look, what you need
is a different sales strategy.

Look, here's one
that always worked for me..

"Mister, I was going to sell you
some cookies..

"but I tripped on your driveway

"and I think I broke my ankle.

"Could you please call my daddy?

He's a lawyer.
He'll know what to do."

Okay, Hilary..

I'm leaving you $100
for groceries

and here's the number
where we'll be staying

for the legal convention.

I can't say
I'm looking forward to it.

I can't say it, because
it would be a big fat lie.

Goodbye, everyone.
I'm off for the weekend.

Bye, Geoffrey. I hope you enjoy
your butlers' convention.

Goodbye, Ms. Ashley.

Uh, yo, G, G,
I always wondered

what y'all be doing
at them joints.

What is it, like reminiscing
about Mr. French?

[chuckles]

Actually, we'll be reminiscing
about Benson.

It's the Black Butlers'
Convention.

This year's theme is

"Get It Your Own Damn Self."

See you all Monday morning.

Ready for the convention,
sweetheart?

Oh, no matter how you prepare

you can never really be ready
for something like this.

Great. Now, kids

you're all mature young adults

and your mother and I
trust you completely.

But by the same token

if any of you are planning on
using this weekend

as an excuse to engage
in reckless activities

you'll have to think again.

Misbehavior of any kind will
result in immediate grounding..

...and suspension of allowance.

Do I make myself clear?

This is a racial thing,
right?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped-turned
upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ She said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

Philip,
what a wonderful surprise.

Now I don't know
how you pulled this off

without me knowing it,
but I'm glad you did.

[chuckles]
Well, I thought this might
be
a little bit better

than a boring legal convention.

I hope you folks enjoy
yourselves

here at the Doomie Inn.

I'm Bob Doomie.

Well, you know,
I got the same room

we had on our tenth anniversary.

[gasps]
The "Glory That Was Rome" suite?

And if you recall
the chariot bed

didn't need horses
to move it across the room.

Welcome to the Casbah.

What happened to Rome?

Well, actually, the Roman suite
next door is already taken.

[laughs]

Well, there's $50 says it isn't.

Thank you, sir,
but his $200 says that it is.

Oh, Philip, this is lovely.

I'm sure it'll be just as
romantic.

But I really had my heart set
on wearing that toga.

I'll do my
Dance of the Seven Veils.

And I didn't bring any.

Okay, kids, go to the movies.

Oh, okay,
the planet closest to the sun?

That would be Mercury.

Oh! Yo, man, you got it!

You know,
you're pretty smart for a guy

that's only been through
the tenth grade once.

Well, you know what that means,

you gotta take off your blouse.

Wait a minute.
I've played this game before.

I've never had to take off
my clothes.

Ah, no, no, no, baby.
These are Canadian rules.

Will, we need a ride
to the grocery store.

We're supposed to
sell cookies today.

Uh..

Um, Ashley, love, pumpkin,
blossom, apple..

Why don't you go ask Carlton
or Hilary?

And don't come back through here
until you're 17

or accompanied by an adult.

Now where were we?

[sighs]

Alright, either of you ladies
speak Latin?

[chuckles]

Too bad.
Ty, get the blinds.

Yes, well,
my parents are out of town

so I can do anything I want.

Now get your tail over here,
pronto.

I want it fast
and I want it hot.

And if it has any
pepperoni on it

I'm sending that puppy back!

Carlton, we're supposed to sell
cookies today

and mom said one of you
had to take us.

You're troopers. Take a hike.

Hilary, we need a ride
to the grocery store.

Have a Slim-Fast. I need the
grocery money to buy jewelry.

But no one else will do it.

Excuse me, ladies,
but when my parents are away

I'm like a mother
to these children

and how you treat them
could affect them

for the rest of their lives.

Come along, little troopers.

Carlton, haul the brats.

I'm expecting company.

Yeah,
I'll put it in the oven for you.

You're closest to the door.

Well,
you're closest to the floor.

And I am close to snagging
a garnet necklace at half price.

Now one of you get out there
and fire up that Benz.

[engine sputtering]

Thank you.

[engine revving]

Okay, Thelma and Louise,
park it over here.

I told you the "R" didn't mean
"Real fast."

Okay, I'm in charge,
I'll handle this.

Young lady, what do you think,
that I'm made out of money?

Hil-Hilary, what does that have
to do with anything?

I don't know, that's what
dad
always says to me.

I must say,
color me disappointed.

This is our home.

I live here, damn it!

Now, just because
mom and dad are away

doesn't mean we should act like
people without trust funds!

And besides, if anything goes
wrong, it's Will's butt.

It's not so much my butt,
man,
it's Uncle Phil's foot

coming towards it.

That's why I told the film crew
to be really careful tomorrow.

They're shooting a video here.

Excuse me, girls
could you put your hands

over your ears, please?

Carlton, what the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about the financial
opportunity of a lifetime.

It's an investment strategy
that's leveraged with zero risk.

Carlton, what the hell
are you talking about?

We get five grand
for doing jack.

Five thousand dollars!

Yo, man, I could
purchase a new butt.

Where's the money?

They're bringing it tomorrow
and they promise

we won't even know they're here.

Where's the family room?

- Man, I'm gonna kill Carlton!
- Kill him?

I wanna know the name
of his decorator.

Hey, Carlton, man, you got
a lot of explaining to do

and I hope it begins with
the words, "They got a gun."

Calm down, Will.

All the furniture's in the back
yard safely out of harm's way

and by the time mom and dad
get back on Monday

it'll all be back in place
and our gross revenue

will be 100 percent profit
without losing our assets.

Look, man, I still don't
know
what you're talking about

but look, if I get killed, homey

your toe is gonna be tagged too.

I told you.

It'll all be put back on Monday.

- Monday?
- Monday.

- Monday!
- 'And action!'

[instrumental music]

[Bell Biv DeVoe
singing "Gangsta"]

- Oh! Yo, dude!
- 'Hold up! Hold up, man!'

What's up, man?

Yo, what's up?

Can you excuse me, please?

We're trying to do a video here,
if you don't mind.

- 'Okay?'
- Hi, Ron. Hi, Ricky.

Hi, Michael.

- How you guys doing?
- What's up Hilary-shy?

I like that jacket.

I don't know, I think I like
the yellow one better.

Oh, listen guys, I know I said
we should do lunch

but today is just awful
for me.

Yeah,
you got that shoe sale, right?

One of these days I've just got
to take a vacation.

- Goodbye!
- See you.

Places, everybody!

Sorry, guys.
It's looking great.

Really,
you guys are doing great.

'And action!'

[instrumental music]

[Bell Biv DeVoe
singing "Gangsta"]

(Ashley)
'Oh, my God, is that them?'

[shrieking]

I'm sorry. Hey, hey,
I'm sorry about that, guys.

Listen,
hey, y-y-you know how kids get

you know, immature trying to get
in front of the camera.

- I'm-I'm sorry, man.
- Okay. Sorry, guys.

Really, I am.
You were great.

- Monday, right?
- Monday.

(man #1)
'And action!'

[Bell Biv DeVoe
singing "Gangsta"]

Guys, just back up!

- Hey, man, no.
- Look, I'm sorry.

What do you two think
you're doing?

I was trying to get up
to my room.

Hey, Ty, what was you doing?

I-I was trying to be
in the video.

Come on, man.

Look, man..
Look, man, this is my house.

You wanna be in a video,
you go rob a liquor store.

There'll be no more
interruptions.

You've got my word.

(man #1)
'Action!'

[Bell Biv DeVoe
singing "Gangsta"]

[phone ringing]

Party Machine, this is Will.

- Party Machine?
- 'Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.'

Did-did I say "Party machine"?
I meant Banks residence.

Master William speaking.

Who's playing that loud music?

Loud music?

Give me the phone, Vivian.

Will, what's going on?

Oh, U-Uncle Phil, that's the TV.

Um, Carlton's watching
an educational documentary

on-on, uh, loud music.

What's that music I hear?

Uh..

That's the television.

Your aunt's
watching "I Dream of Jeannie."

Uh, look,
we're gonna be home tonight.

[sighs]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.

I-I thought y'all said
you was coming back Monday.

Well, we were,
but there's some big shot

in the suite next door
and he's been tying up

the hotel staff all weekend.

The service has been terrible.

So just tell everyone
we'll be back tonight.

Great. Great. Great,
I'll-I'll see you tonight.

♪ I lost my trust in you ♪

♪ Its really
driving me crazy.. ♪♪

Okay, that's a wrap.

Everybody out.
Y'all ain't got to go home

but you gotta get
the hell out of here.

Will, come on, these people paid
to use our house.

Let's be a little courteous.

Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil
aren't coming home Monday

they're coming home tonight.

- Not Monday?
- Not Monday.

Okay, that's a wrap.
Everybody out.

You ain't got to go home but you
got to get the hell out of here.

Look, fellas, fellas,
fellas.
Relax.

We got one more shot
then we're gonna bring

everything in from outside.

Alright, that's cool.

[thunder rumbling]

Is that rain?

[gasps]

Okay, I can't breathe.

[groans]

"They'll only be here one day."

"They'll only be here one day."

The Titanic sank in one day!

The Hindenburg blew up
in one day!

The entire city of Pompeii

was covered in molten lava
in one day!

Okay, I can't breathe.

Relax! Babe, trust me.

Everything will be fine

when the cleaning crew
gets here on Monday.

Look, man, how many times
I got to tell you?

My uncle's coming back tonight!

Bubele.
Talk to your cousin Hilary.

She's the one who signed
the contract.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
a phone call I gotta make.

[squishing]

Well,
I'm glad I don't live here.

Boy, I'm glad I don't live here.

So am I, man. I'm gonna have to
move into your crib

when my Uncle Phil
bowls my butt down the driveway.

Oh, man. Come on, chill out.
Now, I mean, this is easy.

All you need is a little paint,
a little elbow grease

you know, everybody pulling
together, I'm telling you

the place is gonna look
dope.

You're right, you're right.
You're right.

Thanks a lot, man. Thanks a lot,
man. Come on, let's get busy.

Oh, you know,
I plan to, but not here.

See, the fly honeys invited
me
to the wrap party.

Later, man.

[crying]

[Carlton crying]

Oh, Hilary. Hilary, look.

We got big, big problems.

My God, Geoffrey needs to clean
up around here.

[crying]

Oh-oh.

I wonder which one of you
dad will kill first?

It's 4 o'clock now,
they'll be back at 9.

We'll never get this place
together by then.

Alright. Look, look, look, look.

Let's not panic. Come on.
Here's the plan.

Hilary, you take $2,000
and you go get a new couch.

Carlton, you shut up
and take care of the floors.

'I think I can salvage the rug'

and Ashley, I want you to
take
care of painting.

I'm not painting. I didn't have
anything to do with this.

I seem to recall a certain
little sunshine trooper

trying to get her
car theft badge.

Oh! Latex or enamel?

Oh, Philip, this weekend

has been so wonderful!

Even if we had gone
to the convention

spending time alone with you
would have been worth it.

Well, we can stay an extra day.

Oh, no need to.

I'm taking home the red
veil.

Well, I'm taking home
the belly jewel.

- Why?
- Because I can't get it out.

Yes, this is Mr. Banks
in the Bedouin suite.

Could you send the bellboy up
to help with our bags, please?

What do you mean,
he's next door?

Oh, fine, never mind,
we'll do it ourselves.

This is ridiculous.

That big shot has kept
the entire hotel staff

busy all weekend.

[door opens]

(woman #1)
'Caesar!
It's time to invade Alexandria!'

(Geoffrey)
'Coming, Alexandria!'

(both)
No!

Oh, yo, bench,
you got the floor buffer!

Come on, man,
turn that joint on!

Not so fast.

A wise man always reads
the instruction manual first.

Page one, "Welcome to the
wonderful world of buffing.

"First, take a moment
to familiarize yourself

with your Buffomatic."

Hey,
can I see that for a second?

Sure.

Come on, Einstein,
I'll plug it in.

[whirring]

"Make sure buffer is off
before plugging in."

[splashing]

[electricity crackling]

"Do not use near water."

(woman on PA)
'This is your
final boarding call'

'for Flight 32
to Los Angeles at Gate 7.'

Okay, over there.

[sighs]
So, how do you like the couch?

Yeah, it's great. But when does
the rest of it get here?

Now, if we rearrange the
room,
nobody's going to even
notice.

Hilary,
I think Uncle Phil will notice

when he stands up
and it's stuck to his butt!

Hilary, you have to take it back
and get the exact same couch.

Okay, but it's going to be
another $2,500

including delivery.

Wait, wait,
what are you talking about?

That couch only cost $2,000
in the first place.

- Tell them.
- I will.

Yo, I think I need to have
a couple words with y'all.

Don't let nobody tell you that
big people can't wear plaid.

[engine whirring]

What'd you have,
a Patti LaBelle nightmare?

Will, you would not
look good either

if you had your head stuck
out
of a sunroof

going 90 miles an hour
holding on to a rug.

Relax, sweetheart. Burt Reynolds
does it every morning

on his way to work.

Okay,
we would have been here sooner

only we were stuck behind
some idiot with a flying carpet.

I'm the idiot.

Hey, very good, Carlton. That's
the first step, admitting it.

[engine whirring]

Alright, we pulled it off, man.

How much money we got left?

Well, according to
my calculations

we're in the hole by $80

which means you each owe me $20.

- Will you take cash?
- Sure.

- 'We're home!'
- Oh! Oh! Here they come.

Go, go!

How was the convention?
Did you bring me anything back?

(Philip)
'Yeah. A mother with
a big smile on her face.'

Hey, baby.

[sighs]

- 'Ah!'
- Hey! Aunt Viv!

Hey, hey, Uncle Phil,
I didn't hear y'all come in.

[sighs]

Well, um..

y-y'all ready to read the Bible?

Again?

Well, I am pleasantly surprised.

I came home expecting
a catastrophe.

I'm happy to see I was wrong.

Well, I'm going upstairs
to unpack.

- Philip, are you coming?
- I'll be up in a minute.

Goodnight, kids.

- Goodnight, daddy.
- Goodnight, Uncle Phil.

Goodnight, dad.

I'll get our bags packed.
Ashley, you drive.

Oh, Philip,
this weekend has been..

(woman #2)
'Oh, my Lord.'

[laughing]

That's my wife!
Come, baby.

[laughing]

(woman #1)
'Caesar, it's time
to invade Alexandria!'

Coming, Alexandria!