The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 1, Episode 4 - Not with My Pig, You Don't - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Shall I continue
to delay dinner, madam?

Yes, Geoffrey.
I don't know where he could be.

He's never late without calling.

Do you think daddy's alright?

It's awfully late, mom.

Okay, let's not jump
to any conclusions.

I know we're all worried,
but let's not..

Oh!

Bill Cosby has a streetwise
niece coming on his show.

That should be decent.



- I'm home.
- Daddy.

- Philip, where have you been?
- I was at the office.

I'm sorry I didn't call, but I
wanted to rush right home

with the great news.

What is the highest recognition

a self-made Black professional
can receive?

A raise!

No, darling, it's not a raise.

I'm getting
the Urban Spirit Award.

Oh, Philip,
we're so proud of you.

Is it a cash award?

Hilary, don't be so
shortsighted.

This award is an honor
which leads to prestige

which leads to cash.



Well, the community leaders
are recognizing me

for helping our brothers
and sisters on the streets.

But the only time I've ever seen
you on the streets

is when you're waiting
for the valet

to bring your car around.

Is that so, son?
Well, let me tell you something.

The '63 March on Washington?
I was there.

The '65 demonstrations at Selma,
I was there.

The '65 Watts Riots,
I was there, too.

Seems to me every place you go,
trouble follows.

Well, your uncle deserves
this award.

Now he's fought a lot of
discrimination cases.

He's prosecuted slumlords.
He's started scholarship funds.

All that and he still found time
to vote for Reagan. Twice.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You know, it wouldn't be bad
if you could remember

some of that
when the reporter gets here.

- Reporter?
- Photographer? New dress.

Honey..

Alright, sweetheart,
you can have a new dress.

I want you all to look your best

for the newspaper interview
and the awards banquet.

Oh, daddy, this is wonderful.

Two new dresses.

Have you called your parents?

You bet. They're taking
the next plane out.

Oh, great. Grandma and grandpa
are coming to visit.

[chuckles]
Toys.

[theme music]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one
little fight ♪

♪ And my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby ♪

♪ Yo homes
smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[music continues]

Oh, yeah. That's it.
Come on, Ash.

Rock this funky joint, baby.

Come on, Ash. Less like George
Michael, more like Hammer.

Come on. That's it.

Co.. Baby, you got to put
some more butt into it.

That's it. Ooh, yeah.

Excuse me, but grandma
and grandpa are here.

I just saw the cab
pull up the driveway.

Yoo-hoo!

- Grandpa.
- Sweet potato.

- Grandma.
- Ashley, sweetie.

Oh, my, how you've grown.

Hilary, sweetie.

Ooh, my, how you've grown.

Carlton, sweetie.

Hi.

Grandma, grandpa,
this is my cousin Will.

Oh, hi, Will. Your uncle told us
all about you.

I don't know, Hattie.

He don't look like
the devil incarnate.

Thanks.

So, how was the flight
from Baltimore?

- Baltimore?
- Well, yeah.

That's where
Uncle Phil's from, right?

Oh, he moved there
when he was 16

but he was born and raised
in Yamacraw.

Yamacraw?

North Carolina.

I can't believe Zeke never
mentioned his hometown.

Zeke?

[laughing]

Mama. Pop.
Mama!

- Oh!
- Hey, Uncle Zeke!

Zeke, give your old man a hug.

- Okay, pop.
- 'Hi, sweetheart.'

Am I tripping,
or does this sort of remind you

of the last episode
of "Family Ties?"

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, daddy, didn't I send you
some money for a new suit?

Hey, you're looking at it.

When you sent that money,
me and my buddy Leroy

went down to the dry goods store

and we each got a suit,
a fishing rod

and some radial tires.

Well, I guess I better
get to fixing supper.

- Geoffrey!
- Madam?

This is what I'll be needin'.

"One pound of lard

"four handfuls poke greens

and a big old slab of fatback."

Now, if it comes to more than a
dollar, they're cheating you.

We are going to have
pork chops, collard greens

baked macaroni,
and sweet potato pie.

Have mercy!

Grandma, grandpa, you want to go
see our swimming pool?

That's a good idea.

Oh, growing up

my Zeke always did love
our swimming hole.

He would strip down
to his birthday suit

and dive right in.

Oh, granny, please.
It's almost dinnertime.

Oh, he just loved his
skinny-dipping

him and Melvin.

Melvin?

Oh, I don't think we all
want to hear anything..

Au contraire, dad. The Melvin
stories are priceless.

So, Melvin was like
his best friend?

Melvin was his pig.

Oh, I have plenty stories
about my Zeke.

Well, are any of them
humiliating stories?

The best ones are.

Let's start with those.

♪ Wade in the water ♪

♪ Wade in the water children ♪

♪ Wade in the water ♪

♪ God's gonna trouble.. ♪♪

It's 3 o'clock
in the morning, Will.

- How did you see me?
- Mama knows.

Hey, uh, look, granny, um,
please don't tell Uncle Phil.

I'm just like
a little bit past my curfew.

How much is a little?

Well, let's just say I went out
after I was supposed to be in.

Don't do it again.

Alright, wha-what are you
doing up so late?

Oh, child, I had to get up
and get breakfast started.

I don't know what y'all
got that Geoffrey for.

- Five-card draw?
- Yeah, I'm with it.

You know, granny,
I-I really like you.

You and-you and grandpa,
you have fun.

Tell jokes.
You all bust me up.

Thank you, son.

Hey, look,
hey, granny, it's late.

Everybody's asleep.
You can level with me.

Uncle Phil's adopted, right?

Oh, now, we're
real proud of Zeke.

Did you know he won
the Young Farmers Of America

Pig Raising trophy?

No, I didn't know that,
but I'd love

to have some details about that.

Won it four years running.

They had to retire
his slop bucket.

Slop bucket?

Oh, I can't wait
till he wakes up.

Respect your elders, son.

Mm-mm! See, I beat you!

You know, he was
the first Black president

of the young farmers.

Was that like a big thing?

Oh, my, yes!

Mm-mm!

I beat you again!

You know, then we also had
those white rest rooms?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I remember this one time
we was downtown

and Zeke had had
too much lemonade

and suddenly he just
split out from me

and split right into that
white rest room.

They told him to leave

but little Zeke just
stood his ground.

- Uncle Phil did that?
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-mm! Lookee here,
I beat you again.

Alright, now that reporter's
gonna be here any minute.

Does everybody remember
what they're supposed to say?

- Hilary?
- Yes, daddy.

- Ashley?
- Yes, daddy.

Vivian?

What is this,
the Von Trapp family?

Philip, I'm not about to parrot
a bunch of compliments

for the benefit
of some reporter.

Let's not be naive, Vivian.

I've dealt with the press
before, if you don't rehearse

what you goin' to say,
they eat you alive.

Carlton?

At the forefront of
the Civil Rights movement..

You were asleep, son.

Sorry, dad, all of
grandma's pies last night

and waffles this morning,
I just crashed.

I've got the sugar blues.

I'm this close to a crying jack.

Miss Melissa Klein, sir.

LA Press, Urban Beat.

I'd like you to
meet my family.

My wife Vivian,
my son Carlton

my daughters
Hilary and Ashley.

Pleased to meet you.
So where's the photographer?

Oh, your father sent
a picture in already.

- Am I in it?
- Yes, you are.

Am I pretty?

Let's begin
the interview, shall we?

Mr. Banks, you're best known as

the lawyer
who won the landmark

housing discrimination case
"Winston Vs Jones"

but our readers want to know
about Philip Banks, the man.

Uh, well, I really don't like
to blow my own horn.

[clears throat]

[sighs]
Growing up on the mean
streets of Baltimore, Maryland

Philip Banks overcame
great obstacles

to win a scholarship to
Princeton University in 1963.

You know, Hilary,
Princeton was the turning point

in Philip Banks' life.

It was then that he developed
an interest in law

and distinguished himself
as a fine student

earning himself a place
at Harvard Law School.

That's right, Carlton.

But did you know
that Philip Banks

in addition to
becoming a partner

of the prestigious law firm
of Furth, Wynn and Meyer

remained active in
the field of Civil Rights

culminating in his crowning
achievement in 1975

when he was elected
to the board of the ASPCA.

ASPCA?

I think Ashley means N-A-A-C-P.

Sorry, daddy.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Yo, yo, yo.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

After living
in Bel-Air, you know

it was great to spend
some time at Disneyland

you know,
to get back to reality.

[all laughing]

Ooh. Joe, it's 7:30.

We're getting to be
a couple of night owls.

Yes, ma'am. We better go
put ourselves to bed.

Oh, honey,
I'm with you.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, honey.

Feature desk, please.

Jake? Melissa.
Look, I'm having second thoughts

about this Philip Banks piece.

It's just one long,
boring resume.

Well, for a while there,
I thought I had an angle

about the ASPCA, but that, uh,
turned out to be a blind alley.

I'm telling you,
this man's life is boring.

His own son
kept nodding out.

We better kill the story.

Okay, bye.

Uh, hold up, lady.

My uncle has been looking
forward to this all week.

If you kill that story,
he's gonna get mad.

If he gets mad,
the heat comes down on me.

Look here, you gotta wake up
and smell the java.

Your uncle's dull.
Dull, dull, dull.

Dull? Sweetheart, that is one
thing my uncle is not.

Max out, lady.
I got a couple stories for you.

[instrumental music]

Oh, dear.

Oh, good Geoffrey,
you got the paper.

Yes, madam.

Make sure you buy the 100 copies
that Mr. Banks wanted.

Before we make such
an investment

perhaps it might be wise
for you to peruse

the contents of this article.

Oh, dear.

Geoffrey, how on earth did they
get a hold of all these stories?

Madam, the press is made up
of a very low type of person.

You see what they've
done to Fergie.

Vivian, is it in
the morning paper?

- Uh...yeah.
- Good. You got the paper.

Oh, why don't you have your
morning coffee first, sir?

Oh, that's perfect.

I'll have my coffee,
and you read it to me, Geoffrey.

Yes, sir.

[sighs]
"Local lawyer wins
prestigious award."

Well, it goes on from there.

Goes on to what?

Just details, really.

- I'll just recycle this.
- Give it to me.

[chuckles]

[exhales]

"The coveted
Urban Spirit award

"given to Los Angeles'
outstanding Black leaders

"will be presented tonight
to distinguished attorney

Philip Banks."

Ah, this is well-written.

"Known to his barnyard
companions as Zeke..

"Banks is no stranger
to accolades.

"This ex-hog-handler..

"...slopped his way
to the top

"with the help
of his trusted companion

Melvin, the pig."

Who is responsible for this?

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, yo!

Hey, Uncle Zeke, I got your
100 black and whites, huh.

I can't believe this,
how did they get

all these stories
about the pig?

Oh.
Alright. Alright. Alright.

I wasn't going to
tell you, but..

You!

Will, honey..

...run.

- What did I do?
- What did you do?

You destroyed my image.

Man, I ain't destroyed nothing.

Of course, you did.
Look at that story.

I've gotta walk into that
banquet room tonight

filled with people
who are gonna think

I'm nothing but a hog-handling
hick from Yamacraw.

But that is where
you come from, Zeke.

Mama, I was just having
a few words with Will.

And I'm having
a few words with you.

What have you got
to be ashamed of?

We always put food
on the table

and clothes on your back.

Mama, I'm not ashamed.

There are just
aspects of my life

I don't wish emphasized.

Where I come from

they call that being ashamed..

...Mr. Big Shot!

[instrumental music]

Mother, you look very nice
in your dress tonight.

Did you enjoy
the ride in the limousine, pop?

Oh, you bet. I went..

Hattie, aren't you
going to talk at all?

Oh, come on.
We're mature adults.

And refusing to speak
is not gonna solve anything.

That's, you know,
that's right, Uncle Phil.

I'm not talking to you.

Philip, Vivian,
congratulations.

Yes. We're all quite proud of
you at the office, old man.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

I'd like you to meet my parents,
Hattie and Joe Banks.

Henry and Margaret Furth.

Ma'am, would you like the salmon
or chateaubriand?

Oh, we don't want
to be a bother.

We'll just hang on
to these empty plates.

Thank you kindly.

Hattie, are you sure you
don't want any other food?

Oh, we don't want to impose.

We'll just fade
into the background.

Breast or wing?

Oh, I think I'll have
a wing, thank you.

We got any okra casserole?

Comin' up.

Aww, granny.

You know how much Uncle Phil

likes his mama's
okra casserole.

W-why don't you ask him
if he wants some?

It ain't going
to work, Will.

What is this
interesting melange?

It smells divine.

Just plain old okra
and tomato, honey.

Mm. Delicious.

Try that, Henry.

Outstanding!

Do we have any biscuits?

I hope they're still hot.

Ca..
Can I say something, please?

I just know
that at a time like this

my Uncle Phil
is extremely happy

to have his two loving
parents here with him.

Oh, I can feel the love
at this table.

Parents?
To hear him tell it

he just sprung full-grown
from the ground

and we had nothing
to do with it. Uh-mm!

Yes, he just sprung up like
a big, old eggplant.

Excuse me.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, sir.

- Aren't you Philip Banks?
- Yes.

Yeah, the hog-slopping lawyer.

Saw your picture in
the paper this mornin'.

Eh, is Melvin gonna
be here tonight?

Oh, no. Melvin eschews
these type of events.

I'm the same way.

What are you doing
in here, Uncle Phil?

Is this for your information,
or will this be in "USA Today?"

Come on, man,
I'm sorry if I made you mad.

But the reporter was gonna
trash the article, homie

until I gave her
those pig stories.

Oh, yes, well, everyone loves

those amusing little
agricultural anecdotes.

I guess it just never
occurred to you

they'd make me
look like a fool.

Uncle Phil,
your plaid golf shorts

make you look like a fool.

Those stories
make you look great.

Man, I mean, you did a lot
for black people

that I don't even know.

Yeah, I raised a pig for the
Young Farmers' Association.

Puts me right there
with Martin Luther King.

You were the first Black
president. That's something.

A-and what about the
whites-only restroom?

In case my mother didn't
make it painfully clear

I wasn't trying to prove
a point.

I only went in there
because I really had to go.

I see a whole lot of that.

I mean, look, Uncle Phil,
it's just like Rosa Parks.

I mean, when she sat
in the front of the bus

I mean, she wasn't doin' it
to prove a point either.

She did it
'cause her feet hurt.

I mean, they told her to leave,
and she didn't

and neither did you.

I must be kidding myself.

I had it all planned up.

There was my family, all lined
up to meet the press.

There I was
with my perfect image.

Philip Banks, pulled himself up
from the streets

with his own bootstraps.

The only problem was,
I didn't have it that hard.

I had two parents who loved me

and were always there for me.

Worked hard to make sure I'd
have everything they never had.

Now wait, why are you worried
so much about your image?

The-the truth sounds
real good to me.

I don't think my mother
will ever forgive me.

Oh, man, you must be trippin'.
G-granny's great.

Just-just explain it to her.

Will, there's something
you have to learn.

Sometimes parents
just don't understand.

[instrumental music]

In addition to
the Civil Rights cases

he has won as an attorney

Philip Banks is
a community leader

an unsparing philanthropist

and a role model
to all citizens.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Philip Banks.

[applause]

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo
hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Hoo..

Thank you.

Thank you.

I grew up on the streets
of Baltimore.

But I was born on a farm
in Yamacraw, North Carolina.

I was one of the lucky ones.

I had two wonderful parents

who worked hard every day
of their lives.

They couldn't give me
a lot of material things

but they gave me morals..

...courage..

...and most important of all,
love.

I just hope I can give
the next generation..

...what my parents gave me.

Oh. I hope he mentions his pig.

♪ Wade in the water ♪

♪ Wade in the water children ♪

♪ Wade ♪

♪ In the water ♪

♪ God is gonna
trouble the water.. ♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪