The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 1, Episode 3 - Clubba Hubba - full transcript

[instrumental music]

What dog did he steal
that sweater from?

Probably his wife.

Good God!
Who shot the couch?

Give her a break, Hilary.
She just won the Kentucky Derby.

[scoffs]

Whoa! Who's that lady
with Nell Carter?

That's not Nell Carter.
That's my father!

God, you're so shallow.
I hate you.

You're stupid and ugly
and I wish you would die.

- Sorry.
- Okay.



Whoa! Look at her!

Brake! Brake! Brake!
Hit the brake, Will!

What, what in the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry, man,
it ain't my fault.

I-I panicked. That squirrel
came out of nowhere.

Philip, I'll call the manager
and have him remove the cart.

Oh, let's just draw more
attention to ourselves.

- Get in the cart, Vivian.
- No!

I'm sorry, Mr. Banks

but, uh, no golf carts
in the dining room.

Well, Will, you certainly made
a name at this country club.

I wouldn't be surprised
if they revoked

our shuffleboard privileges.

That's fine with me, man. This
place is wack. I'm out of here.



(Will)
'Ooh, hold up.'

Ooh, special bulletin.
Hormones to Will.

Hormones to Will.

Hold up yourself, Will.
That's Mimi Mumford.

You can't get
to first base with her

unless you can
impress her father.

'He's an eminent surgeon,
a championship polo player'

and around these parts,
he's known as Dr. No.

- Why they call him that?
- Because he never says "Yes."

No young man is good enough
for his daughter.

Well, he ain't gonna
have a chance to tell me no

'cause I ain't gonna ask.

Mimi, if you're not busy
on Friday night

would you like to accompany me
to the Apple Blossom ball?

No!

- What's your name, boy?
- Uh, uh, uh..

What school do you go to? What
college are you applying to?

And what's your career plans?

I-I-I'm just a sophomore, sir.

I don't really know yet.

Out of here, son.
You disgust me.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down and I'd like to ♪

♪ Take a minute just sit right
there I'll tell you ♪

♪ How I became the prince
of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell ya later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

So, what kind of guy
does Dr. No say yes to?

Fellas with good grades,
good manners, good looks.

In a word, me.

So why haven't you made your
move on Miss Mimi?

Not my type.
Doesn't tickle my fancy.

Yeah, well,
she can tickle mine.

If only wishing made it so.

Let's face it, Will,
you lack the social graces

to impress someone
like Dr. No.

Boy, you must be on dog food.

I am the most handsome,
the most intelligent

and unequivocally
the most flamboyant bachelor

since Billy Dee.

This isn't West Philly, Will.
It's Bel-Air.

And the women here
are different.

I guarantee you,
Dr. No will say no.

- Oh, yeah, I bet he won't.
- I bet he will.

- I bet he won't.
- I'll bet he will.

Who says the art of conversation
is dead?

Alright, Will. You think
you can be a gentleman?

How do you propose
on going about it?

Carlton, it's very easy
to be a geek.

All I have to do
is follow you around for a day.

It isn't as easy
as it looks.

[instrumental music]

And with your
father's permission

I'd love to escort you
to the Apple Blossom ball.

I had no idea you two
were getting along so well.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What's going on here, Carlton?

Will's got a thing
for Mimi Mumford

so I'm teaching him how to be
a perfect gentleman.

Oh! I want a piece of this.

[instrumental music]

Observe, Will,
this is how a perfect gentleman

talks to a young lady.

"Say there, Mimi,
might I say

that you rate a perfect ten
on my niftiness meter?"

Uh, I don't think so.

So, Uncle Phil, uh, how did you
used to crack on the girlies?

[laughing]

What I'm about to tell you
is going

to change your life forever.

- Are you listening?
- Yeah.

First, I take her hand

then I stroke it gently
but imperceptibly

look deep into her eyes,
blow gently in her ear

let my mouth curl up
into a smile

make a low, rumbling,
hypnotic sound.

Hmm.

Ooh! Philip, that's what you did
on our first date.

That's right.

You're lucky you got
a second one.

Allow me, sir.

Certainly, Geoffrey, if you
think you can do any better.

[Geoffrey clears throat]

Mademoiselle..

...my life was but
a mere whisper

until you entered into it.

Whether it was chance
or blind fate

or kismet, if you will,
that brought us together..

...I would be remiss
to let this moment pass

without telling you
how deeply

you have affected
the very core of my being.

Ooh, baby!

[instrumental music]

- The fish knife.
- Yeah, right.

No, it is right.
He got it right.

He got it right!
He got it right!

- He did?
- He got it right!

Get your own geisha.

Excuse me, Master Carlton.

You were saying?

Will, he picked out
the fish knife.

Will, I want you
to pay very close attention.

Which one is the shrimp fork?

By George,
I think he's got it.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, where did he get
that jacket?

Probably off the rack.

Say, did you hear
about his Jaguar?

The one he bought second hand?

[scoffs]

Okay, now, just remember
you're from Connecticut

and you're transferred
to Bel-Air Academy

and you row
on the crew team.

Now, where did you
transfer from?

- Bendover.
- It's Andover.

We're going back home.

I was joking, man.
Relax. Hook-hook it up.

I beg your pardon,
Dr. Mumford.

I have a friend
who's new in town.

He's the new star
on the crew team.

- Would you like to meet him?
- No!

I respect your wishes, sir.

But I'd just like to say kudos
on that polo match.

[chuckles]
Super form.

Ah, you saw it, huh? Excuse me.
Uh, I didn't get your name.

Smithers, sir. Heh-heh!

Kip Smithers.

Well, have a seat, Smithers.

- May I join you, sir?
- No.

So, Smithers,
what school do you go to?

What college have you
applied to?

And what's your career plans?

Bel-Air Academy, Princeton

and thoracic surgery, sir.

Hmm.

Thoracic surgery.
That's my field.

What aspect of it
interests you the most?

Um, the cutting part.

Ah, that's the part
I like, too.

Listen, I'm glad
you're a fan of polo.

You know, I have a very fine
string of Arabians.

Oh, really?
With turbans and everything?

[chuckles]
Very, very funny, Smithers.

Very funny.
You had me there for a moment.

I thought you were
a blithering idiot.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Uh, there's my daughter.
Would you like to meet her?

Oh, gosh, sir. There's a big
question mark on that one.

I seem to be painfully shy
with the fairer sex.

Oh, nonsense, nonsense.

- Oh, hi, daddy.
- Poodles.

There is someone
I'd like you to meet.

Mimi, Kip Smithers.
Varsity crew from Bel-Air.

A gentleman and a scholar
and soon to be a fine surgeon.

You flatter me, sir.

I'll just leave
the two of you alone.

- Phew! Mimi.
- Look!

Before you get yourself
all worked up into a lather

I just would like to say this.

I am sick of you white-washed,
preppy stuffed shirts.

Uh, what?

Look, I don't need some stooge

who's gonna play
up to my father.

I want a real man. Someone
dangerous. Someone exciting.

Someone from the streets.

[laughs]

- Oh! What's so funny?
- Yo, baby, yo, baby, yo, baby.

Yo! Your prince
is in effect, baby.

I'm not down
with this preppy nonsense.

Carlton told me to do this.

Yo, baby, I'm definitely

straight out the hood.

That was the worst homeboy act
I've ever heard.

Well, it's not an act.
It's the real deal, baby.

- Yo, C! Come here!
- Mimi. Kip.

Carlton, would you please tell
her who I really am?

- Who you really are?
- Yes.

He is Kip Smithers,
from Connecticut.

He transferred from Andover
to Bel-Air

so he could row
with the crew.

No, no, no. Tell her
where I'm really from.

England.

[cutlery clattering]

[instrumental music]

(Carlton)
For future reference, Will

our club frowns
on strangulation.

This is all your fault, man.
You got me into this mess.

- Me?
- Y-yeah!

T-this preppy nonsense. I knew
women didn't like that mess.

If I would've had my way,
I would've had my way.

Congratulate me.

It took all day
but I finally found

the perfect pair
of alligator pumps to wear

to the Save the Everglades
rally tonight.

Will has a crush
on Mimi Mumford.

That fat girl?

Mimi is not fat.

[scoffs]
Not today.

Liposuction.

She's been vacuumed more times
than a hooked rug.

Well, she looks good now, right?
I don't see your point.

Just wave a chili-cheese dog
in front of her nose

and see how much of your arm
you come back with.

[chuckles]

Will!

So, how did it go
with Mimi Mumford?

He struck out.

Okay, Will, you've taken advice
from Carlton

from Philip, and Geoffrey

but you have not gone
to the most logical source

the woman of the house.

Now, before I was married,
I had my share of admirers.

A sorrier bunch of deadbeats
you'll never meet.

The ones that I was most
attracted to were the ones

who were secure enough
to just be themselves.

And that's my advice to you.
Just be yourself.

Thanks, Aunt Viv.

Come, sweetie.

So, Will, are you going
to take mom's advice?

Man, you got to be crazy.

Mimi wants
a street-wise, Harley

ba-ba-bad-to-the-bones
type guy, man.

If I could show her
that I'm dangerous

I'll have her like that.

- I'll bet you wouldn't.
- I'll bet I would.

- I'll bet you wouldn't.
- I'll bet you wouldn't.

- I'll bet you would.
- See, I fooled you.

[instrumental music]

Alright, now remember,
I'm wanted in five states.

I'm hidin' out from the police
for robbin' a gun store.

And what did I do
before then?

You went to Penn State.

I went to the state pen.

Sorry. I thought Penn State
was bad enough.

Mimi, top of the evening.

Carlton, for the 900th time,
no, I will not go out with you.

I thought you said
she wasn't your type.

She isn't.
She's too negative.

I'm not here for that.

Although if you just gave it
some objective thought..

[Will clears throat]

Anyway, I'm here for him.

Does he need to go
to the bathroom?

No, he's just being
his bad self.

What you saw before
was just a charade.

Kip is his street name.

K-I-P. It stands
for "Conceived In Prison."

He's my cousin

and he's from
the Bedford-Stuyvesant

region of Brooklyn
wherein he is a felon.

Okay. Then what is he
doing here in Bel-Air?

He's living with us to escape,
and I quote, "The man."

Voila.

I thought you said
he rowed crew?

Huh, no, no, baby.
You misunderstood.

He said I wrote
for the 2 Live Crew.

But, see, they kicked me out

because my lyrics
was too abrasive.

He's as nasty as he wants to be.
I kid you not.

Hey, baby,
you look so good

I wish I could plant you
and grow a whole field of y'all.

Yo, baby, Fresh Prince in full
effect. It's time to get busy.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]
You can't, hey?
Can you, baby?

You work on that,
alright, baby?

- Salutations, doctor.
- Oh.

This is quite an intense
shindig, huh?

Listen, I just want to find out
how things are goin' with Mimi.

Well, I'm having
a little trouble

breaking the proverbial ice, sir

and I really hope
I don't embarrass myself

you know, being in your
illustrious presence and all.

Oh, don't worry,
I'll just make myself scarce

but I do have
one piece of advice.

- Be yourself.
- That's a natch, sir.

This music is def,
exceptionally def.

Carlton, beat it!

I'm dope. Yo!

Now, what were you talking to my
father about?

Yo, baby, I told him
if he don't stay out my face

we're going to take it
to the street.

Baby, you close your eyes
when you dance with me.

- Salutations yet again, doctor.
- Oh.

Just a thought. Mimi loves
horses and you love polo..

I thought that might
break the ice.

Oh, thanks for the prescription,
doc. Enough said.

[music continues]

So, what were you talking to my
father about this time?

I wasn't listening to him, baby.
I was stealing his wallet.

[laughs]

Oh, Kip, I'm so sorry
I didn't believe you before.

I should have seen right through
that thin charade.

Hey, let's go someplace
and get busy.

Yes, ma'am.

But first,
I want you to rap for me.

What?

You know,
let me hear some of them

abrasive lyrics.

Oh, oh, okay, baby.

This one I got banned
in Buffalo for.

♪ Um I took you upstairs
let down your hair ♪

♪ Me and you together
forget about all I care ♪♪

And that is just
the type of music

we will not let our children
listen to.

Smithers, what is the meaning
of that ridiculous hat?

Who put this on my head?

- Daddy, isn't he funny?
- Ha-ha!

No. He disgusts me.
Get out of my sight.

Oh, wait a minute. You can't
talk to him like that, daddy.

He's practically a convicted
killer, and I love him.

A convicted killer?
Who are you?

[sighs]
Alright, alright, alright.

Alright, look, look.

I'm not a young Republican
from Connecticut

and I'm not a hood
from Bed-Stuy.

I'm Will Smith
from West Philly

and I've been busting my butt
all night trying to impress you

and trying to scare you.

And I'm exhausted.

I'm goin' home,
and I'm going to sleep

'cause, baby,
ain't no girl that fly for me

to go through all this
trouble for.

Yo, baby. Yo, baby. Yo.

What's up?

Oh! Miss Hilary.

Did you have a good time at the
Save the Everglades fund raiser?

Geoffrey, these events are not
about having a good time.

They're consciousness-raising
experiences.

When you hear about all
of the species

that are on the brink
of extinction

it's grim, grave,
and very, very sobering.

- Tom Cruise was near tears.
- Oh, wasn't he gorgeous?

[both laughing]

So there I was, G.

Then this real fly honey
walked by, right?

So I decided
I'll just be myself.

I said, "Yo, baby. Yo, baby.
Yo." And she loved me!

Then what happened?

Well, then her husband
came in.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪