The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 1, Episode 20 - Nice Lady - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[whirring]

[whirring]

A hundred and sixty-three?

Oh, this whole page is
wrong.

- Geoffrey.
- I'm sorry, Miss Ashley.

But I'm trying to keep
this place tidy.

Lord Fowler and his daughter
Lady Penelope

will be here at any moment.

Well, why are so you
nervous about it?

Lord Fowler gave me
my first job



as a full-fledged butler.

And he's very
important men in Britain.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't
want to embarrass you.

British people have
really good manners.

Ashley, I used to be
intimidated by the British.

I thought
they were superior in taste

style, and breeding.
And then I saw Benny Hill.

Master Carlton.

First of all, I likeBenny Hill.

Secondly, while Lord Fowler
is here, I must ask you

to keep wisecracks
like that to yourself.

During his stay,
I want all of you children

to maintain an air
of quiet dignity.

♪ I shot the sheriff ♪



♪ But I did not shoot
the deputy ♪

♪ Oh no ho ♪

Geoffrey,mon.

Do da limbo with me.

This is precisely
what cannot happen

when Lord Fowler arrives.

Yo, G. What's my name?

The prince, right?

I know how to deal
with royalty.

Don't worry. I'll be at
the peak of Schweppervescence.

Hey, check it out.
You be the English dude.

Very well.
Please to meet you, William.

And I am honored
to meet you, Lord Fowler.

[grunts]
Ow!

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down and I'd like to ♪

♪ Take a minute just sit right
there I'll tell you ♪

♪ How I became the prince
of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is
where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell ya later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Aunt Vivian.

Beautiful American woman.

What you tinkin'
you're up to, boy?

[chuckles]

Alright, alright,
check it out, Aunt Viv.

Ziggy Marley's in concert next
weekend and I was wondering

maybe I can use the car?

Well, where's
the concert gonna be?

- Just around the corner.
- Where around the corner?

Nevada.

Forget it, baby.

Uncle Phil,mon.

You are generous, fair-minded,
and very, very sexy.

Will, you have already
gotten your allowance.

For that,
I am very thankful,mon.

He wants to drive to see
Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.

Oh, that's an easy one. No.

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil.
Why not?

Because every time you take
that car to a concert

something happens to it.

Like what?

A mysterious dent,
a broken taillight

a mural of Nia Peeples
painted on the side.

Look, I swear to you guys, that
was on the car when I got in it.

Will, you're not responsible
enough to drive

to a concert in Nevada.

Alright, if in this next
week
I can prove to you

that I'm responsible,
will you let me go?

Sounds like a low-risk
proposition. You're on.

[doorbell chimes]

That's Lord Fowler.

- Lord Fowler.
- Geoffrey.

And Lady Penelope.
My, you look lovely.

- Thank you, Geoffrey.
- Oh..

And this is
Mr. and Mrs. Banks.

- How do you do?
- Very nice to meet you.

- How was your flight?
- Oh..

It was a bit choppy
and quite long.

And of course,
the food was horrid

and you know, the movie
was a dreadful bore.

I wouldn't want to make
that journey too often.

[British accent]
No, I should think not.

Won't you come in?

Philip, why are you
talking like that?

Like what?

That ridiculous
British accent.

Whenever you're around
an English person

you slip right into it.

The first three months
Geoffrey was here

I could barely
understand you.

I have no idea
what are you talking about?

(Geoffrey)
'Sir, madam.
Care to join us for tea?'

Right-o.

Lady Penelope. Wow.
It must be great being a lady.

I mean, spending
all your time shopping

going to lunch with friends
and just sitting around

being waited on hand and foot.

I wonder what
that would be like.

One can only imagine.

Actually, I go to
a small convent school

and the nuns work us hard.

We scrub the floors
and cook the meals.

And on the weekends,
we do all the laundry.

Ew. What a gyp.

Well, we're looking forward
to taking you to dinner tonight.

Oh, splendid. Dinner will be a
perfect time for me to bring you

all up to date on the new bills
pending before Parliament.

We've made some
fascinating strides

in maritime legislation.

I'll go into greater details
at dinner.

Is tonight a school night?

No. I already
thought of that.

Mr. and Mrs. Banks, I hope
I'm not being terribly rude

but I was really counting on
seeing the opera tonight.

Oh, but, my dear, I don't
want you going out alone

in a strange city.
Um, you'll need an escort.

An escort. You mean
a responsible escort.

A young man who could take
Lady Penelope out tonight

and return her home
safe and sound.

The same type of young man
who could be trusted

to drive to a Ziggy Marley
concert in Nevada.

Well, I suppose so.

Would you really
take me, Will?

Oh, absolutely.

If it's alright
with Uncle Phil.

Okay, Will. You may take
Lady Penelope to the opera.

Opera? I thought she said
"Oprah."

Oh, "Spiderman"comics

watchman

gibba, gibba, goobers.

Raisinets.

What are you doing?

Uh, packing.

Where do you think
you're going?

To the opera.

Did you see what I did with my
spitball straw?

Now, you just listen to me,
you irresponsible vagabond.

I want you on your best
behavior tonight.

No. Let me revise that.

I want you on a normal person's
best behavior.

Ooh, Mr. Belvesneer.

G, the whole point of tonight
is to prove

that I'm responsible.

I mean, how hard can it be?

I'll take her to the opera,
cop a few Zs

bring her back home.
This weekend I'm with Ziggy.

Master William,
I just hope you recognize

the seriousness
of the task at hand.

G, why are you tripping?
She's just a girl.

Just a girl?

Master William, if 895 members

of the royal family
instantly died

she would be
the next queen of England!

Now, where
does that put me?

But the astounding thing
about the fisheries

and hatcheries act of 1624

is hardly the bill itself,
but rather its unique place

in the entire 800-year
history

of maritime legislation.

I'll go into greater
detail at the restaurant.

Does this restaurant have a bar?

If it doesn't, we'll build one.

I can't believe Geoffrey
has done this to us.

This is going to be
the longest night of our lives.

The only thing that'll
make it better is knowing

Will has to sit
through an opera.

At this point, that's the only
thing I have to cling to.

Well, I don't feel so good.

Don't even try it, Ashley.
We're all in this together.

Father, have a lovely time
at dinner.

Mm. Thank you, my dear.

- And I hope enjoy the opera.
- I shall, father.

I always find
the opera so uplifting.

- Goodbye, Geoffrey.
- Goodbye, Lady Penelope.

Master William.

Do not forget
what I said to you.

Goodbye, father dear.
I shall miss you.

Oh, I thought the old buzzard
would never leave.

Will, got a smoke?

- Excuse me?
- A cigarette.

I've been dying
for a one all day.

Nah, I don't have
any cigarettes.

I don't smoke and you shouldn't
either. It's bad for you.

Oh, sod off,
mother superior.

Hey, hey, hey, don't nobody call
me a mother nothin'.

Yo, what's up with you? Who you,
Dr. Jekyll and Patty Duke?

Will, don't be such a wanker.

I only put on that innocent
schoolgirl routine

for the old man.

Routine? You've been
lying to the Lord?

Whenever we go to the city,
I tell my father that I'm dying

to go to the opera knowing full
well that he detests it.

That way, I can hit the clubs.

And I thought we'd go downtown
to the Meat Hook.

The Meat Hook?

That's the roughest
bar in LA.

Super. That's what Lady Cicely
told me. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

Baby, you ain't going nowhere.

Geoffrey put me
in charge of you.

So you can just shake your royal
booty on up them steps.

Will, you can't boss me around.
You're not a nun.

See, h-hold it. See, now that's
where you made your mistake.

See,
I'm a plainclothes nun.

Yeah, that's right.
They call me Sister Sledge.

Oh, pooh. I hate you.

You've just ruined
my whole night!

You've ruined everything.

Man, this babysitting
thing is easy.

[tires screech]

Hey! Lady,
come back with my car!

[grunting]

Yo, man.
Should I get the bouncer?

I am the bouncer.

Follow the red queen.
Keep your eyes on the red card.

Ten will get you twenty.
Who saw it?

Come on, boys, don't be shy.
10 will get you 20.

Aw.

Will. Awfully glad
you could make it.

Feel lucky?
10 will get you 20.

No way.
Look, we're out of here.

Forget it.
This place is a blast.

The people here
are so interesting.

Yeah. I think I saw that guy
on"Unsolved Mysteries."

Look, Lady Penelope,
we are going home.

Oh, no, I'm not.

[instrumental music]

Oh, I'm mad about this song.
Dance with me, Will.

I'm not dancing with you.

Loosen up, homes.
Come on. Get up and dance.

- Shake your money-maker.
- Look, look, Lady Penelope..

I got a Ziggy Marley
concert on the line. Let's go.

You can't touch this.

Go, lady! Go, lady!

Go, lady! Go, lady!

Go, lady! Go, lady!

Will you get down from here?

- Hi, Otis.
- Hey, punk.

You're dancing
with my woman.

No, no, you got it all wrong.
I'm not dancing with her.

I'm trying to get her
to go home with me.

- I'll bet you are.
- What?

Yo, man, what are you,
crazy?
Back up!

Back up!

So that brings us up to 1907

which in maritime
law circles has come to be known

as "The Year of the Trout."

I saw that sweater first.

[snort]

Excuse me.

Lord Fowler.

Wasn't there quite a row

in the House of Lords
in 1912

when they repealed
the Tuna Laws?

Oh, Geoffrey,
that's a very long story.

It all began in 1910.

Sir, before you continue

would anyone
care for anything?

A lobotomy.

Well, perhaps
a drop of sherry, Geoffrey.

So, anyway,
as I was saying I recently

'came upon a very interesting
article on the subject..'

Hoo.

Hoo.

Meow.

Me-ow!

Ooh, ooh ooh ooh,
ah ah ah ah ah ah.

(Lord Fowler)
'...1910 brought
a tuna shortage'

'to the southern
shores of Cornwall'

'Penzance in particular.'

'The vote, which should interest
you was as follows..'

'D.E. Chesterton, yea.'

'Sir Rudolf Tetherbury..'

Master William.
What are you doing here?

Why aren't you with
Lady Penelope at the opera?

Opera? G, she's never
seen an opera in her life. G..

I'm telling you, G, she's been
fronting the whole time.

How dare you besmirch the
reputation of a British
lady.

G, the lady is a tramp.

She, she stole the car

she snuck out
to the roughest bar in town

and then she hooked up
with a human Godzilla.

Master William, are you
telling me the truth?

I swear on
a stack of"TV Guides."

Master William, if we don't
bring her home safe and
sound

Lord Fowler
will never forgive me.

Your Uncle
will lose faith in me.

I'll never work again,
and my career will be
ruined.

Can we try to keep this
in perspective here, G?

I'm not going
to get to see Ziggy.

We must go to
that bar and get her back.

To the Batmobile.

Shame on Lady Penelope.

When she was a little girl,
I always told her

there is no excuse
for lying.

Milord, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

My cousin Roddy has just been
suddenly struck with malaria.

I must go to
quarantine immediately.

Yo, G, this is a rough crowd.

Y-you gotta watch
what you say around here.

What do you mean, thank you?

Ahh!

G. That's the guy
that Lady P was dancing
with.

But where's Lady Penelope?

He could be hiding
her in his fist.

I shall have to
have a word with him.

- Careful, G.
- Not to worry.

I know how
to handle his sort.

Ahem.

What have you done
with Lady Penelope

you knuckle-dragging swine?

She's gone.

Gone?

[sniffles]
Yeah.

She broke up with me.

Where is she?

Really, I don't know.

She said she wanted
to go for a ride

so I took her to the parking lot
and put her on my bike.

And then I turned around to spit

and the next thing I know,
she took off on my Harley.

Hey, hey, man,
I-I know how you feel.

Hey, G, we better keep looking.

Nonsense. The man's a liar.

Tell us what you've done
with Lady Penelope

or I shall be forced
to thrash you.

Don't press him, G.
You saw what he did to
Tokyo.

Don't worry, Master William.

In my youth, I was quite

a Greco-Roman wrestler.

Yaah!

[crash]

[screaming]

[crash]

So then Churchill
said to the king

"You're ugly."

To which the king replied
"And you, sir, are fat."

Or was it the other way
round?

Anyhow, they went on
like that for hours.

Are you sure there
isn't any more sherry?

Anyway, this dispute took place

at the height
of the Flounder Rebellion.

- Mommy?
- Oh, God bless you sweetheart.

- What's the matter, baby?
- I can't sleep.

Just sit around here
for a little while.

I'll take you up, baby.

You're not going anywhere,
woman.

Sorry, mommy, I tried.

Try again in 10 minutes.

- Now, where was I?
- Oh, God..

If you don't know,
I have no idea.

G, how are we going
to tell Lord Fowler

we lost his daughter?

I'll break the news,
Master William. You're
young.

You have your whole
life ahead of you.

It's best I bear the brunt
of the punishment.

You got a point there.
Good luck.

Geoffrey,
how's your cousin Roddy?

I regret to tell you,
I have no cousin Roddy.

Damn malaria.

No. You don't understand.

What I'm about to tell you
is very difficult to say.

Oh, Geoffrey, it's not more
gambling debts, is it?

I-I thought we had
that productive chat.

Sir, it isn't that.
It's about this evening.

And I have to accept
full responsibility.

Yo, G. Hold up. Uh..

I can't let you go out
like this, man.

This is all my fault.

Will, why aren't you at the
opera with Lady Penelope?

Alright, alright, tonight
my plan was to take her

to the opera and return
her home safe and sound.

But Lady Penelope
had other plans

and it just didn't
work out like that .

Hello, all. I had
a smashing time tonight.

Ah, my dear,
how was the opera?

Oh, it was the most
wonderful
opera I've seen.

- Well, why wasn't Will there?
- Oh, but he was.

And he was the perfect
escort.

But around the third act, I
could see Will was starting

to fade, so I told the poor dear
to go on home.

He left me with more than
enough cab fare.

Thank you so much, Will.

You're good.

So, what's all the fuss about?

Will made it up
to the third act

which is more
than I could have done.

An evening of opera. I can't
imagine anything more boring.

I can.

Geoffrey,
I'm surprised at you

getting all
hot and bothered

just because the boy
ducked out early.

It's nothing compared
with your old exploits.

There's no need to
go into that, Milord.

I seem to recall a time that you
were once caught in the gazebo

after that randy game
of strip croquet.

But, uh, I've told enough
stories for one evening.

No, no. I want
to hear this one.

No, no. It's late.
Perhaps next visit.

No. Now.
We've earned it.

No. No. I'm sorry.

You know, that's the mark
of a great storyteller

always leave them
wanting more.

Goodnight, Geoffrey.
Night-night, Will.

Next time I'm in town, we'll
have to go to the ballet.

Yeah. I'm looking
forward to that. Ahem.

Well, Will, you certainly proved
that you're responsible.

- That's right.
- Mm-hm.

You took Lady Penelope out
and you brought her back

without a hair out of place
just like you promised.

Yep. Just like I promised.

So, I guess you can use the car
next weekend after all.

Thank, thanks a lot,
Uncle Phil.

Just one thing, Will,
out of curiosity.

Since that explanation that
Lady Penelope rattled off

was obviously
a complete crock

what really
did happen tonight?

[sighs]
Well...you should sit down.

It's going to be
a long story, Uncle Phil.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Never mind.

Enjoy the concert.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪