The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 1, Episode 10 - Kiss My Butler - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Aah!

See, I told them
you were awake.

(all)
Happy birthday, Geoffrey!

Oh, my! I'm so touched.

Um, may I get you anything?

Geoffrey, don't be silly.

You're always worried
about pleasing us.

But today it's Saturday,
we're home

and we're waiting on you.

But, but this
is highly irregular.



Geoffrey,
I don't wanna hear it.

Today we're your butlers.

Here's breakfast in bed.

Is there anything else
you would like?

- Um, a spot of tea.
- Carlton.

- Will.
- Ashley.

Hilary.

I'll get the tea.

Would you like
anything with that?

Geoffrey, relax.
It's your birthday.

And we're going to do
all of your most hated chores.

But, sir,
I don't hate any of my chores.

Well, we do.

So, Geoffrey, are you gonna do



anything special
for your birthday?

Oh, most assuredly, Ms. Ashley.

Tonight I will be enjoying
a BBC broadcast

of Gilbert and Sullivan's
"H.M.S. Pinafore"

followed by a penetrating
interview by David Frost.

Ooh! And they say
the man can't party.

Well, Geoffrey,
before we get you your tea

there's something else
we'd like to do for you.

[kazoo music]

Carlton, put away
that tired old kazoo, please.

Get busy for me one time,
skinny A.

♪ Happy birthday my man G ♪

♪ Because you knows the most
about butlery ♪

♪ So don't move an inch
stay where you sit ♪

♪ We're gonna treat you
like the king of Brit ♪

♪ Huh ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Did you see that look on
Geoffrey's face? He just lit up.

I never thought I'd say this,
but it feels really good

to do something for somebody
else for a change.

Aren't we supposed to make
him
some tea?

Oh, right.

Ashley, honey, how'd you like
to go into the kitchen

and introduce Mr. Tea Bag
and Mr. Teapot

to Mr. Boiling Water?

Hilary, how would you like
to make the tea

before I take away
Mr. Allowance?

Mother, please!
Don't talk down to me.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, I got it, I know

what I'mma get G
for his birthday.

- What?
- Here.

Let me give you a hint.

Little Richard?

Oh, shut up!

No, no, no. I want to hook
Geoffrey up with a woman,
man.

- You know, so he can get busy.
- Ah.

I think Geoffrey's busy enough,
what with all his chores.

You, you don't get it..

It's, look,
it's Geoffrey's birthday

and he's just
staying up in the bat cave

listening to his radio.

I mean, straight up,
the man is depressed.

No, he's not depressed.
He's British.

It's the man's birthday.
Leave him alone.

If Geoffrey is interested,
I don't see any harm

in introducing him
to a nice woman.

- Oh, here she goes.
- Here what goes?

Your poor Aunt Vivian seems
to think she's a matchmaker.

In her mind, she's kind of
the Chuck Woolery of
Bel-Air.

It's not just my opinion,
Carlton.

When I was in college,
I introduced

three different couples
and they all got married.

And by your fifth reunion,
they were all divorced.

Look, I just get them
to the altar.

After that they're on their own.

People, people, please!

I do not want to hear
your dirty laundry.

Geoffrey deserves a woman
interested

in a serious,
long-lasting relationship.

And I know
exactly where to find her.

The mall!

[instrumental music]

Wait till Geoffrey sees this.

When I'm done, he won't have
to polish this for a month.

Look, Philip, I can see myself.

Well, I can't.

Ooh! Ah..

Argh! Stay smooth!

Don't buckle!

Oh!

Hilary, what's the problem?

I've never wrapped
a present before.

Geoffrey's always wrapped
my presents.

Geoffrey?

Hilary, you can't ask him
to wrap his own present.

Oh, I guess that's another
one
of those unwritten rules.

Man! Yo, two hours at the mall.

- And I ain't get no girls.
- Well, what did you expect?

You went to the mall
with girl-away there.

For your information, Hilary

Jazz here happens
to be the master

when it comes
to cracking on the girls.

Yo, the boy is irresistible.

Sure, maybe during a
blackout.

I'd love to get a hold of you
during a blackout.

Daddy..

Aah!

Ah, that's better.
Now, where were we?

Well, in honor
of Geoffrey's birthday

we are preparing
an incredible feast.

Beefstroganoff,
potatoesau gratin

and apple brown Betty.

Hm, sounds delicious.
When will it be ready?

In 55 seconds.
Just tell us when to zap it.

Could you put a hold
on dinner, please?

I'm trying to find Geoffrey
a girl.

The words "Mission
impossible"
come to mind.

- I know someone.
- Really?

Uh-huh. You know my friend,
Samantha?

Um, Ashley,
maybe I should explain

some of the finer points
of the law to you.

I was gonna say that Samantha
has this nice, sweet nanny

who just came from England.

And she says
Helen has nothing to do

and she just sits in her room
at night, knitting.

Ooh! I smell a match.

So how long has this nanny
been in America?

- Two weeks.
- Perfect.

A lonely woman,
new to our country.

She probably won't even notice
what a Melvin Geoffrey is.

Yo, Geoffrey!

Hey, Ashley, you go invite her.
Go ahead.

Hey, come on,
the rest of y'all beat it.

You bellowed, Master William?

Yeah, I've been thinking about
it, G, and straight up, man

I'm not down with you
being lonely on your birthday.

But I shall be far from lonely,
Master William.

I shall be spending the evening
with the glorious music

of Sir William Schwenck Gilbert
and Sir Arthur Sullivan

not to mention David Frost.

Well, so far,
I count you plus three guys.

I just thought
you might prefer a woman.

I'm not making too big
an assumption here, am I?

As it happens,
I like women just fine

but I think it's a bad idea

for a butler
to intertwine his private
life

with that of the family.

Surely, you gleaned that
much

from watching "Mr.
Belvedere."

But, G, there's this nice
old British nanny Ashley knows.

And, man, she really, really
wants to go out with you.

- Sorry, Master William.
- But Ashley..

- Already invited her.
- What?

I told her that was a little
pushy, but you know kids.

This is just regrettable.

I mean, come on,
it ain't so bad, G.

I mean, it's your patriotic duty

to show your countrywoman
a good time.

G, don't do it for yourself.
Do it for the king.

Well, I wouldn't want
to disappoint King
Elizabeth.

♪ I am called buttercup
sweet little buttercup ♪

♪ Though I could
never tell why ♪♪

Yo, G, Helen is gonna be here
any minute.

Come on, baby, hook it up.

I'm hooking as fast as I can.

Don't be such a wanker.

- Well, what are you gonna wear?
-Voila.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no

no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

I mean, come on, G,
Hilary's taking you and Helen

to the fliest club in LA, man.

I mean, my buddy Jazz
is the DJ there.

He said the place
is all of that.

All what?

Look, look, forget it, uh..

G, I don't think
you understand, man.

I mean, you got a kind of
a Ben Vereen thing

going here, man.

I mean, uh, come on, baby.

You got to dress
a lot funkier than that.

Funkier?

There. Pure, unadulterated funk.

Alright, look-look, G,
forget about looking cool.

I mean, let's concentrate
on acting cool.

Don't talk to me about cool,
Master William.

During the '70s
I was briefly employed

as Led Zeppelin's road butler.

Look, G, when the music
starts pumping

and it's time
to get on the dance floor

this is what you do.

[music on stereo]

Now you give it a try.

I would be most happy to,
Master William

but to the best of my knowledge,
hell has not yet frozen over.

[instrumental music]

Oh, madam, sir

a round-trip ticket to England.
Thank you.

We thought it would be nice
for you to see your family.

Oh, yes, I suppose
I should drop in on them.

This is from Ashley and me.

Of course,
I paid the lion's share.

Happy birthday, Geoffrey.

English leather.

English toffee.

An English muffin.

[doorbell ringing]

Yeah, that sounds like
my present, G.

But I'll leave
the unwrapping to you.

Oh, Will, must you be so ribald?

I'm not gonna answer that
till I have a lawyer

and a dictionary present.

I'll get Helen.

Here's my present, Geoffrey.
Happy birthday.

I wrapped it myself.

Thank you, Ms. Hilary.

Oh, this is most generous.

Look, Geoffrey, I know
I boss you around too much.

So this gift is my way
of making up for it.

Hilary, sweetheart, you could
also stop bossing him around.

Okay, then I'll keep
the sweater.

- 'He's right this way, Helen.'
- Yo, happy birthday, G.

Get ready to have
your candles blown out.

Geoffrey, I'd like you to meet
Samantha's nanny, Helen Carter.

[instrumental music]

Helen, I'd like you
to meet Geoffrey.

Charmed.

It's nice to meet you, Geoffrey.

From the children's description

I thought you'd be much older.

Ditto.

And this is my mom, my dad

Hilary, Will and Carlton.

You can call me Tony.

What are you trying
to pull here, Tony the
tiger?

I didn't start it. Did you see
the way she looked at me?

Share the fantasy, Carlton.

I was just trying
to be friendly.

Hey, look, well, park your
welcome wagon elsewhere, homes.

That's Geoffrey's date.

She'll be dancing with him,
but she'll be thinking of me.

Uh, so, uh, Helen, I'm Will.

Welcome to our humble crib.

Oh, Ashley,
this must be that houseboy

you were telling me about.

That's homeboy, Helen.

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

I'm so glad you could make it
tonight, Helen.

This is working out
just beautifully!

The two of you look so wonderful
together.

How many lives do you
have to ruin, Vivian?

So, Helen, what part of England
are you from?

Allow me, Ms. Hilary.

You can tell a lot
from a person's accent.

- You're from London, of course.
- Of course.

- I'm guessing West End.
- Why, yes.

- Chilton Road?
- That's right.

Upstairs above Shrimpton & Son?

Close. One more block up,
next to Bottomley's.

Well, it has been a while.

[laughs]

Oh, isn't this cute?

You have so much in common.

You both speak English!

[instrumental music]

And to this day
it remains the largest rhino

ever to be taken
with a bow and arrow.

Geoffrey, this is fascinating.

It's like going out
with James Bond.

You're not the first
to have made that comparison.

Well, I'm going to go mingle.

The A list really turned out
tonight.

Really?

Look, that's Tom Cruise's
pool cleaner

and that's Cher's electrolysist
and that's Heather Locklear.

Hey, beautiful,
I see you've come to make
up.

Like, what's with the band-aid?
Was your brain leaking?

I hit the pavement kind of hard

when your dad threw me
out the house.

I guess you could call it
a love scar.

Perhaps I haven't been clear
in the past.

I don't like talking to you.
I don't even like seeing you.

So, please, just go away.

I love a flirt.

Will, what are you doing here?
Leave Geoffrey and Helen alone.

Hilary, Hilary,
what do you think I am?

I mean, I came down here
merely to hang out

with my good friend, Jazz.

Well, while you're at it,
hose him down.

Oh, I got to run. There's
Demi Moore's cable man.

Yo, yo, yo, J, what up, baby?

Yo!

- Shh!
- Shh!

Yo, I think your cousin's

really starting to warm up
to me.

- Yeah, right.
- What's wrong with you?

Yo, man,
peep out that babe G's with.

- You mean, Wonder Woman?
- Yo, man.

Check this out, I got
the worst luck in the world.

Now, you know, all the babes
I messed with in Bel-Air

been whacked, right?

- I follow you so far.
- Uh, yo.

I go to hook G up
with an old British nanny

it turns out to be her.

She don't look too old to
me.

I know, Jazz. She's perfect.

Homey, I'm in love.

I mean, G didn't wanna go out
with her in the first place.

I don't know what you guys
do in Philly

but in LA we don't give
stuff like that away.

Well, I don't know
what you guys do in LA

but in Philly
you crack on somebody's honey

you mess around
and get yourself killed!

Well, I don't know what you guys
do in Philly

but in LA we're man enough
to take that risk.

My brother,
you wanna take this outside?

Calm down, man. Listen. Tell me,
how does your butler dance?

I mean, like he dresses. Why?

I'll throw on some house
music

won't be able to hang out
on the dance floor.

You could pick up
all the pieces.

Yo, we got a brother
in the house tonight.

He's celebrating his
birthday.
He's my main man, Geoffrey.

So, everybody,
clear the dance floor

and let him and his lady
get busy.

Well, Helen, care to cut a rug?

Smashing.

[upbeat music]

Like an angel in flight.

Yeah, he is better
than I thought he'd be.

[indistinct rap music]

Hey, hey,
they're doing the lambada!

That's the forbidden dance.

Hey! It's like this, right?

Oh, oh,
"Mississippi Burning," right?

I'm getting that feeling
ofdeja vu.

Aah!

[Marvin Gaye singing
" Sexual Healing"]

♪ Wake up wake up wake up ♪

Vivian,
I'm trying to concentrate.

Could you turn that down,
please?

I'm sorry, honey.
Maybe this will help?

♪ Hoo ♪

Saturday night

we always used to go out dancing
Saturday nights.

Well, maybe we can do
some in-house dancing.

♪ I can't hold it much longer ♪

♪ It's getting stronger
and stronger ♪

♪ When I get that feeling ♪

♪ I want sexual healing ♪

♪ Sexual healing ♪♪

[chuckles]

Aww!

[stereo turns off]

[clears throat]

What are you doing home?

Yo, man,
I sort of bounced home, man.

Yo, they threw me out the club.

- Why?
- Well..

It all started when your
man,
Geoffrey

started doing the lambada.

- Geoffrey does a lambada?
- That's the forbidden dance.

Well, you guys, you guys missed
the night of the year.

Geoffrey is an amazing dancer.
He was doing back flips.

Back flips?

Isn't he cute?

- Goodnight, Geoffrey.
- Goodnight, Ms. Hilary.

Yeah, so I think
we'll go up, too.

Goodnight, everyone. And thanks
for a lovely birthday.

- Yo, G?
- Yes?

(Will)
'Hold on.'

Um...

I guess, um, I shouldn't have
busted your groove

at the club, man.

And, uh, I guess, uh,
what I want to say is, is, uh

i-it's all Jazz's fault, man.

Sit down, lad.

Master William

for you a birthday's a time
to paint the town red.

But for me
it's a time of reflection

a time to review
one's successes and regrets.

I must say, one of my regrets
has always been

the fact that I never had a son.

I have so much advice to pass on
to the next generation

but no one to tell it to.

Ooh, look at the time.

Phew! Boy, I'm bushed.

[yawning]

Sit, William.

My boy..

...a man is much more
than the job he holds

or the clothes he wears.

For example, if I were
to judge you by your costume

I should guess you were
some kind of circus
performer.

That's pretty cool, G.

But you made
the same assumptions about me.

You assumed I was lonely.

You assumed I wouldn't know

how to comport myself
at a night spot.

You assumed
I was a poor dancer.

I hope the events of tonight
have proved to you

that I am, as the saying goes

a fairly fly individual.

Well, uh, Helen sure thinks so.

Ah, Helen.

She's certainly
a hot little number

but I'm afraid
she and I were mismatched.

Ah, she was a little too young
for you, huh?

Quite the contrary.

I'm afraid
I was a little too intimidating

for the poor girl.

She's looking for someone
a little slower

a little less sophisticated.

I could be slower. I-I..

I'm-I'm sure I could be
less sophisticated.

She sensed that.

Here's her phone number.
She's expecting your call.

It isn't important
that I got the date with Helen.

The important thing is

I learned
to appreciate Geoffrey

as a human being.

And Geoffrey and I
have a deeper relationship.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪♪