The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 8 - All Alone by the Convent Phone - full transcript

(BARKING)

(BOY IMITATING PLANE WHIRRING)

Blast you, Red
Baron. I'll get you yet.

Please get my airplane, Sister.

Now look, Ace. You've scored
one direct hit and three possibles.

That's enough missions
for any kid with a sore throat.

Sister Bertrille, I think
I will fly the kite now.

I think you will take a nap now.

NEWSREADER: Now
for news of local interest.

While being taken into custody,

an alleged bank robber escaped early
this morning, according to police reports.



The fugitive, Ignacio Ferrante,

is believed to be hiding out
in the vicinity of San Tanco.

And now, news...

BERTRILLE: Now
just get hold of yourself.

Just because you're
alone in the convent

with a sick kid is no
reason to fall apart.

Yeah? If that's no
reason, what is?

Now calm down and try to
remember you're under the protection

of our fearless
Captain of Police.

Captain Fomento?

(CHIMING)

Dope, try to remember that

you're in the Convent San
Tanco, not Dracula's castle.

(RINGING)



Hello, hello?

WOMAN: This is
Lupe. Can I come over?

Why, sure.

You won't believe
what I've been through.

I don't know what I'm going to
do with him. He's driving me loca.

He is, huh?

I'll tell you all about
it when I come over.

He mopes around. Doesn't
listen to a word I say.

And last night, he left the house
and didn't get back till morning.

Oh, uh, maybe he's
visiting a sick friend.

A dog visiting a sick friend?

Calling your husband
names isn't gonna...

Husband?

I'm talking about
my dog. Who is this?

This is Sister Bertrille.

I was calling Constantina.

Oh...

Does this mean
you're not coming over?

(PHONE CLICKS)

BERTRILLE: You know
what will calm you down?

A short flight.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(CLOCK CONTINUES CHIMING)

(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Sister Bertrille.

Captain Fomento,
I'm so glad you're here.

I heard a scream. A scream?

Yes. Where?

Well, the... Oh, that was me.

What was the trouble?

Captain, there's an
intruder in the convent.

Intruder? Oh, where? Where?

Well, I don't know where he is,

but I know what he
smokes. Just come with me.

It's an interesting blend of
American and Turkish tobacco.

Latakia, a pinch of cavendish
and a drop of Virginia.

Low in tar and high in nicotine.

And you get a coupon
with every package.

That's wonderful.
How do you know that?

It's my cigarette, Sister.

Where's everybody else?

They're at the Contessa
Valadon's charity party.

She gives one every
year for the convent.

I had to stay behind and take
care of one of the sick kids.

May I help you? Well, no.

Actually, I was just passing
by to warn the Reverend Mother

that if in case any...

Well, being that
she is not here,

well, there is no
point at all then.

Warn her? Warn her about what?

There is really
nothing to worry about.

In fact, you can take it out
of your mind completely.

But do not open the
doors to strangers,

especially if he wears a mustache
and above all, do not be frightened.

Well, I'm already frightened.

So you might as well tell
me who I'm frightened of.

This big mouth of
mine, I don't know...

Well, being that the cat is out of
the bag, I might as well tell you.

Ignacio Ferrante, bank robber,

while being taken into
custody, he escaped.

And he is now in the
neighborhood, right now.

I heard about it on the
radio. Is he dangerous?

Well, only if armed.

Is he armed?

Like a regiment.

Good day, Sister. You're
not gonna leave, are you?

The sooner I go, the sooner
Ferrante will be captured.

Would you like some coffee?
No, you don't understand.

This is an all-point bulletin.
And some cherry pie?

A la mode? I've got all
police officers from here

to San Felipe.
They're going to...

Do you have any vanilla
ice cream? Tons of it.

I just will have three
scoops and that's all. Okay.

How about another
piece of pie, Captain?

Some coffee?

Two portions are
more than sufficient.

Well, I must be going.

Well, you're not gonna
eat and run, are you?

I am so full I can't
run. But I will walk.

What would you like for dinner?

Sister, you do not understand.

There is a criminal at large.

We're having steak
smothered in onions.

Yes, but I just... Smothered.
What time are you serving?

Any minute. No, Sister, really,

you're acting like a
young hysterical girl.

Well, I am a young
hysterical girl.

What was that?

I don't hear a sound.

Neither do I.
That's what's scary.

I mean, you said he was
a professional burglar,

so he wouldn't
make a sound, right?

Right.

Well, we didn't hear a sound.

So maybe the sound we didn't
hear is the one he isn't making.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

NEWSREADER: And now
for the news of the local scene.

There are no new developments in
the search for the alleged bank robber

who escaped from the police
while in custody early this morning.

According to the San
Tanco police officials,

the man is known
as Ignacio Ferrante.

He is 6'4", weighs 230 pounds

and has a black mustache.

BERTRILLE: Yes?

MAN: My poor automobile
is in need of water.

I would deem it an act of
mercy if I could get some here.

Okay. Come on in.

(EXHALING)

May the, uh, saints
bless you, Sister.

Oh. Well, there's plenty
more where that came from.

Goodness me, you look as thirsty as
your car. How about some iced tea?

Oh. That's very kind of you,
Sister, but, uh, I am in a great hurry.

Rush, rush, rush, that's the
trouble with the world today.

How about some cherry
pie to go with your iced tea?

Thank you, but no.

Well, I'd consider it a great
favor if you'd stay for a while.

Sister, are you trying
to keep me here?

Well, frankly, yes.

You see, there's this escaped
bank robber lurking around and...

Well, I'm afraid to be alone.

Relax yourself.

This is the last place a
bank robber would hide.

Take it from me.

Not if he was clever. I mean,
who'd think of looking for him here?

(WHIMPERING)

Forgive me for
saying this, Sister.

I mean it only in
the greatest respect,

but you have a very
good criminal mind.

Cherry pie, huh?

Yeah, on second thought, I think
I will stay and have some iced tea

and cherry pie.

Oh, thank you.

I feel so much safer knowing
there's a man around the convent.

So you see, there
are three roads.

And if you don't wanna
take the highway,

then you can take the other
two roads to San Raphael.

I'm very grateful to you,
Sister, for the information.

Wouldn't you like
some more iced tea?

Sister, if I were a camel

I would have enough iced tea in
me to cross the Sahara, non-stop.

You can't go.

There's a lot you haven't
told me about yourself.

What do you mean?

Well, you told me you are a
salesman. So what do you sell?

Nothing that would interest you.

Well, try me. We're always
buying things. What's your line?

I sell, uh, coffins.

Well, well, you're in luck because
we're in the market for a coffin.

(SIGHING)

Somebody died?

No, but why wait
till the last minute?

Now why don't you sit down, and
you can give me your sales pitch.

Well, I'm sorry, Sister.
I sell only wholesale.

Now I must go.

(DOOR CREAKING)

Now, you said we were alone.

Don't frighten the child.

Felix, hello. How
are you? Come on in.

Felix, t-t-this is
S-S-Senor Smith.

That looks like a gun,
doesn't it? Well, it's not.

It's one of those things
that shoots blanks,

you know, when they start races?

FELIX: You are
going to have a race?

BERTRILLE: No,
not right this second.

And Senor Smith,
you can put it away.

No, no, Sister.

It needs to be polished.

Well, Senor Smith
was just leaving.

No, no, I'm sorry, Sister.

Now that you know
the reason for my visit,

I think we have many
things to discuss.

Oh, I know, you're going to adopt
a child from the orphanage, yes?

That's it.

And we were just
going over the stock.

Well, don't look at me,
senor. I'm already taken.

Next week I go to live in San
Tomas with my new parents.

That's very interesting. But
it's beddy-bye time for Felix.

Come on. All right.
Upstairs to bed. Take a nap.

I just finished my nap.

Take another one.

But I'm hungry.

Okay, well, then I'll bring
you a sandwich upstairs, okay?

Yes, Sister. All right.

Thank you for not
frightening the child.

And who else is here?

Nobody, honest.
They all went to a party.

Yeah.

Where do you think you're
going, huh? Ah, ah, ah.

I was just gonna
show you to the door.

Now you've made it
impossible for me to leave.

As soon as I walk out the
door, you will call the police.

Well, call the police? Why should I do
that? I don't have anything against you.

You would swear
this on the holy Bible?

That's not cricket.

Senor! It must be a boy, senor?

I mean if you don't like
Manuel, you can adopt Olivia.

She may not be a boy,

but she's the best
second-baseman we got on our team.

Tell him her batting
average, Sister.

Three sixty-five.

I'll put her down on my list.

Now go to bed, pronto.

Yes, sir.

Now, let me see, where were we?

Oh. Yes, about me
calling the police.

May I make a
suggestion? Certainly.

Give yourself up.

Sister, I like you. Don't
spoil it with stupid remarks.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

That must be Captain
Fomento coming back.

The police? San Tanco's finest.

You might as well give yourself
up. You're practically surrounded.

Well, I don't
surround easy, Sister.

And if I am caught, I will
take you and the boy with me.

Where?

Just follow the
direction of the gun.

Oh. Out this way. Come on.

Sister Bertrille!

Captain? I didn't
hear you knocking.

There is a black sedan that's
parked right in front of the convent.

I'm suspicious because
I've never seen...

Captain, have you met
the Mother General?

Then it is your car.

For a moment I thought that...

Well, never mind.

I'm glad you have company.

I'm happy to meet
you, Mother General.

Are you, uh, enjoying your stay?

I said, are you... She's
taken a vow of silence.

Oh.

Oh, no.

You'd better do as she says.

Excuse me, I do not wish
to pry, Mother General.

But if you are... Excuse me.

If you are silent, how
can you give orders?

Oh.

"It is not easy."

"It is not easy," huh?
Very good. Very good.

Incidentally, did you tell the
Mother General about the...

She knows. She knows.

Fear not, Mother General,

because we know
that Ignacio Ferrante

will not be able to
escape our dragnet.

Did you hear that,
Mother General?

"Why?" Good question.

I will show you why.

See here now, there are only
three escape routes that he can take.

One will be Cienega Pass,

one, Avenue de Columbo

and the other is
Bolivar Freeway.

But the police force from San
Raphael will be guarding Cienega Pass.

And the police force from San Juan
will be guarding Avenue de Columbo.

And if he should be so foolish,
but so very, very, very foolish

to try to escape through
the Bolivar Freeway,

Sergeant Salazar will be
there ready to crush him.

Like this cream pie.

I finished the sandwich.

Hello, Captain
Fomento. Oh, hello, Felix.

Where is the man?

FOMENTO: Man? Man? What man?

Man? Oh, man, man.

He means the man who came here.

He wanted some iced tea for
his car... Water for his radiator.

FOMENTO: Did he have a mustache?

Not when he came
in. No, he didn't.

He could have shaven
it off. No, I don't think so.

He's not the type that would
have looked good with a mustache.

FOMENTO: Can you
describe him to me?

I think he looked
a little like...

Oh...

You better take another
nap. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

When I grow up, I'm never going
to sleep again as long as I live.

These children.

Mother General, would you be so
kind as to keep an eye on Sister Bertrille?

You know, she with the
big heart that she has,

she would invite Jack the Ripper
to supper. Well, I must be going.

Well, you're not
leaving now, are you?

I will be back in an hour.

What is it, Mother General?

Yes.

You will like a gun
for your protection?

I'm afraid of guns.
She's afraid of guns.

Terrified.

"I am not." She is not.

Yes, but if you give us your gun
then you'll be unprotected and, well...

Well, but I always carry
an extra weapon in my car.

FOMENTO: Mother General,
do you know how to use a gun?

No. I'd like to show you.

This is a revolver, of course.

And it holds six rounds. Now, to
release the chamber, you must...

And...

I bet you were a general before
you were a Mother General.

And the first rule is
not to point the gun, no.

Because, you see, it has
a sensitive trigger and...

And it will go off unless you put
your hands on your head, pronto.

Ignacio Ferrante, it is my duty

to advise you of your
constitutional rights.

One, you have the
right to be silent.

Two, anything you say can and will be
held against you in any court of the law.

Three, you are allowed to make one
telephone call to speak to your attorney.

And four, you will never
get through the road block.

A captain of police
driving the car,

two nuns in the backseat,

one holding a gun to the
Captain's head, will get through.

I believe you are right.

However, I will not
take another step.

Repeat that statement.

I think what he means is
that he can't take another step

because his boots are too tight.

No.

I will not take another step
because I choose not to.

Ferrante, you will get to your
car only over my dead body.

As you wish.

Captain, this is no
time to be a hero.

What other time do I have?

Fining litterbugs?

Giving tickets for
overtime parking?

Arresting jaywalkers?

An opportunity like this comes
for only once in a lifetime.

Ferrante, as an
officer of the law,

I demand that you give
yourself up without a struggle

unless you wish to
experience the true meaning

(WIND BLOWING)

of police brutality.

Sister Bertrille,
I want you to...

I want you to witness a
single-handed capture.

I'll testify to that.

You see, Sister? The only way to
treat a bully is to stand up to him.

She...

You fly in the air like a bird.

She flew like a bird. In
the air like a bird. Big bird.

Senor, if you think
that you're going

to get out of this
by pleading insanity,

you're out of your mind.

March!

Like a bird.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

FOMENTO: Captain Fomento.

How do I know it's
Captain Fomento?

Oh, please, open
the door, Sister.

This is Captain Fomento.

Oh, it's Captain
Fomento, all right.

You can always
use the back door.

How'd it go?

H-H-How did it go? Ignacio
Ferrante is safely behind bars.

Mmm-hmm.

The Reverend Mother's office.

That will be the best place.

For what?

For the interview.

Interview? What interview?

On television. Yes.

On television.

We are going to be
interviewed for the 6:00 news.

They should be here any moment.

Oh, what kind of
questions will they ask?

What do reporters ask?
Well, questions, of course.

(RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

Oh, we're fine.

You did? She
heard it on the radio.

Uh, yes, and we're
going to be interviewed

on television in a few minutes.

I wasn't scared.
Terrified is the word.

Oh, Reverend Mother,
you should have seen him.

Those cold black eyes and
that horrible sneer on his face,

holding a gun at our heads.

But Captain Fomento
stood right up to him.

I've never seen a man so
brave in the face of death.

I mean, he was unarmed, facing
a loaded gun held by a madman.

It's a miracle
Ferrante didn't just

pull the trigger and
blow our heads...

(THUDDING)

I'll call you back, Reverend
Mother. I have another emergency.