The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 9 - It's an Ill Windfall - full transcript
This episode is one of misunderstandings stemming from a $5,000 donation from Juan Hernando. Juan Hernando is a former orphan of the convent before the Reverend Mother's time. He wants to show his appreciation of the convent for his growing up period. The misunderstandings start when the $5,000 check is destroyed and the sisters, who have never met Juan Hernando, try to find him so that he can write them another check. Sister Bertrille finds a Juan Hernando, who she thinks is the Juan Hernando for who she is is searching. This Juan Hernando - Honest Juan Hernando as he calls himself - is in fact not, but a crooked politician. When Sister Bertrille mentions the $5,000 donation, he misunderstands and thinks the sisters are donating to his mayoralty campaign. The next misunderstanding happens when Honest Juan Hernando tells his constituents that he is being supported by the sisters, after which the bishop reads about their support and thinks the sisters are indeed mixing religion and politics, but worse yet supporting a crook. Honest Juan Hernando finally figures out that the sisters have him confused with someone else, but fails to clear up the confusion as he figures their support will get him elected, when he can use public funds to do whatever he wants include donating $5,000 to the convent. The Reverend Mother perpetrates the next misunderstanding when the real Juan Hernando shows up at the convent, and she ultimately thinks that he is the crooked politician who was using the donation to bribe the convent for its political support. So she refuses to take his replacement check/donation. Before it's too late, all the misunderstandings are cleared up. However, the real Juan Hernando won't donate the $5,000 anymore since he agrees with the Reverend Mother that his wealth was primarily gained by dubious means. But he does ends up donating the proceeds from one legitimate business transaction, the proceeds being $100. It's better than a kick in the pants, but not by much. As for Honest Juan Hernando, the sisters make him repent for perpetrating the falsehood that he was the philanthropic Juan Hernando - they make him tell his constituents the political truth.
(BARKING)
JACQUELINE: There was
great joy at Convent San Tanco
that lovely spring day in April.
Sister Jacqueline, Sister
Sixto, Sister Bertrille!
Come here, Sisters, quickly. I
have something to show you.
JACQUELINE: The reason for our
happiness was a check for $5,000
donated to Convent San Tanco
by a certain Senor Juan Hernando.
The figures swam before my eyes.
So many lovely zeros.
As our spirits soared over
this unexpected windfall,
Sister Bertrille just soared.
Come down, Sister. Come down!
Reverend Mother
wants to talk to us.
About the big banana.
Bonanza, Sister. Bonanza.
Oh, we're going
to watch television?
She's going to open up the jar
of homemade brandied peaches
she's been saving to celebrate.
JACQUELINE: Sister Bertrille
may be aerodynamically sound,
but like any airliner,
she is occasionally at the
mercy of that old devil, wind.
(CRASHING)
Get a ladder, Sister.
Wait there. Don't go away.
(FABRIC RIPPING)
Sister Sixto, hurry.
Going my way?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, I just love
brandied peaches.
I thought only
cattle is brandied?
A toast to Senor Hernando.
ALL: Here! Here!
I think we've all had
one peach too many.
You still haven't told us
who Senor Hernando is.
I still don't know who he is.
Our Convent records show
that a boy by that name was
raised here in the orphanage.
That was before my time.
REV. MOTHER: When he was 17,
he left the Convent to seek his fortune.
He sure did. $5,000
is not grass, you know?
Hay, Sister.
That's what I say. Hey, Sister, what
are we gonna do with all that money?
SIXTO: How about a new stove?
Buy new cushions for the
prayer benches. Soft ones.
Oh, yes. That means there'll
be a lot more praying done.
Build a new playground
for the children.
Oh, and buy a new station wagon.
Mmm. Mmm.
A television set. Color.
Don't forget the remote control.
Sisters. Sisters, I promise
that I will take all of your
suggestions under advisement.
In the meantime, I think
it would be a good idea
if you, Sister Jacqueline,
or Sister Bertrille,
drive into town and
deposit the check.
Why don't we both go?
Sister Jacqueline could
drive, and I could ride shotgun.
You think the old
heap will start?
We haven't got much
time before the bank closes.
I hope so. I'd be terribly worried
carrying this around till Monday.
By the way, where did
you put it? My pocket.
Oh, do you think
that's a safe place for it?
Well, did you ever hear
of anyone losing a pocket?
On the other hand,
there's always a first time.
(WIND BLOWING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Well, I've heard of a check
bouncing, but this is ridiculous.
Sister Bertrille,
prepare for takeoff.
Roger and out.
That a boy.
Come on, give it here now.
Well, you can't even
cash it. It isn't endorsed.
Come back here, you embezzler!
Drop that check. You understand?
Drop that check
this very instant.
Oh, no.
Now he listens to me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me. I got it.
Oh, I got it.
It's only scorched a little bit
down here where the signature is...
Was.
Now what are we gonna do?
How about crying?
Oh...
Oh, excuse us.
Enjoy your dinner.
Goodbye.
JACQUELINE: And there was no
address or phone number on his note?
Unfortunately, no.
Maybe we could call the bank. They're
sure to know who Juan Hernando is.
Yes, we can. When
it opens on Monday.
Oh.
For all we know, Juan Hernando
might leave this island over the weekend.
A man as rich as he is could go
away and not come back for months.
Sisters, you're all
missing the important point.
I don't think you should
let a whole weekend go by
without thanking Senor
Hernando for his generosity.
It's just not polite.
REV. MOTHER: That's a very
excellent suggestion, Sister Bertrille.
But how do you
propose we implement it?
Reverend Mother, may I
borrow your telephone book?
Here's his name.
And here. And here. And here.
It seems Juan Hernando is
the John Smith of Puerto Rico.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
With a little bit of luck,
and a lot of patience,
we just might find him.
(PHONE DIALING)
Hello? This is Sister Bertrille
of the Convent San Tanco.
I... I'm looking for
Juan Hernando.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Well, thank you very
much, Mrs. Hernando.
She's looking for him,
too. Has been for 10 years.
May I suggest a more
scientific approach,
such as starting at the top
and working your way down?
Oh, good idea. Why
didn't I think of it?
BERTRILLE: Keep your
fingers crossed, girls.
Uh. Hello? This is Sister
Bertrille of the Convent San Tanco.
May I please speak with
Senor Juan Hernando?
Oh.
When will he be out?
Five years?
Cheer up. Maybe he'll get
time off for good behavior.
(RINGING)
Hello.
Yes, yes, this is Juan Hernando.
Uh, this is Sister Bertrille
of the Convent San Tanco.
Yes, Sister. What
can I do for you?
Well, first I wanna make sure
you're the real Senor Hernando.
Yes. I am the real
Senor Hernando.
The orphan?
Yes, you could say
that. Mmm-hmm.
And, and you were
raised by the Sisters?
Yes, you could say that also.
He's an orphan.
He's the real Juan Hernando.
I found him. I found him.
Yes. Yes, Sister,
I am still here,
but I am very, very
busy. Perhaps you could...
What are you doing?
I am taking this typewriter.
You can't do that.
Do you have the
money you still owe on it?
No, but...
Then I'm taking this typewriter.
Yes, Sister, yes, I am,
I am still on the line.
Perhaps you could tell me
what is on your mind quickly.
I'm calling about the donation.
Sit.
Yes, Sister, you were saying
something about a... a donation?
Yes. The $5,000 check.
Tell him we'll
bring it right over.
Yes, Senor Hernando, if it's all right
with you, we'd like to bring it right over?
Sister, let me try to understand
what it is you are saying.
You are saying, if
it is all right with me,
you are going to bring
the check for $5,000?
Yes.
Of course it is
all right with me.
A miracle, a miracle.
Senor Hernando, I'd like
to explain what happened.
Never mind, Sister. Tell me when
you get here, and the sooner the better.
HERNANDO: Do you
know where San Rafael is?
I'll find it.
Well, it is just
outside of San Juan.
A little town of 3,500 souls
and 260 donkeys.
How far away are you?
Oh, about 10 miles
as the crow flies.
I'm talking about decent crow.
Now, listen to me
very carefully, Sister.
I have a very important meeting
at my campaign headquarters
at the corner of Alverez
and Montenegro Streets.
You will meet me there
and bring the check, yes?
Well, yes. But how
will I recognize you?
Sister, there is no need for you to
recognize me. I will recognize you.
Goodbye, Sister, and hurry.
Do you know what that
means, Senor Tomas?
That the Sisters of the
Convent of San Tanco
are supporting me
in my campaign.
Well, what'd he say?
Well, he's giving us a
new check for $5,000.
After what you have heard, you
are still taking back the typewriter?
Only to go out to the truck to
get you another one, Your Honor.
For the next Governor
of Puerto Rico,
only a brand-new
electric typewriter will do.
And, my friends, I promise you
that if I am elected Mayor,
I promise you that I
will keep my promises.
I will build a new
super highway.
A bridge connecting the islands.
And a football stadium.
How will you get the money?
By lowering the
taxes, that is how.
Who will pay for all
these improvements?
What is the question? Oh,
yes. That is a very good question.
And I will answer it
in my first State of the Union
message after I'm elected.
The Sisters. Tell
them about the Sisters.
Yes, yes, I was
just coming to that.
And now, my dear friends,
you will be happy to learn
that I am not only
the candidate of labor,
and of management,
of the working class,
and of the propertied class,
but also of that most
sacred of all institutions,
the church itself.
Yes, the church
as represented by the Sisters
of the Convent of San Tanco.
Oh, I see you do not believe me.
Well, what if I were to tell
you that at this moment,
the Sisters are bringing
to me a check of $5,000
in support of my campaign?
(ALL MURMURING)
You would think that I,
honest Juan Hernando,
am stretching the truth.
Well, then, look,
for the truth comes marching on.
Excuse me.
Sisters, I am Juan
Hernando and I am delighted.
Oh, well, we're
glad to see you, too.
Come. Come. You must share
the place of honor with me.
Yes, my friends, look, as I
have promised, these Sisters...
Watch your step, Sisters.
Watch the step. It
is a very high step.
I hope you have thought
of a few well-chosen words
to say to my constituents.
About what?
About me. Say something nice.
Of course. Yes.
Ahem.
It's a great honor
to be able to tell you
what a kind and generous
person Senor Hernando is.
And furthermore...
HERNANDO: Thank you, Sister.
There, my friends, you have
heard it from the horse's mouth.
Forgive me, Sister. I hope
you will vote accordingly.
You have brought
the check, Sister?
Well, now, may-maybe
you'd rather wait
until you're finished
with your little meeting.
On the contrary, I
want all my constituents
to witness our
little transaction.
Uh...
I'd like to explain
what happened to it.
What could happen to it safe
and snug in your little purse?
Intermission time.
And to while away
your waiting hours,
San Rafael's most distinguished
artist will play for you.
Play, Jose.
Play, Jose.
Sisters, I'd like to have
your ears for a moment.
Sisters, what kind
of a joke is this?
Oh, it was no joke.
Especially trying to find you.
What has happened to this check?
Well, let me try
to explain to you.
You see, it fell in the fire
and the signature burned off.
And, of course, a
check isn't any good
without a signature,
is it, Senor Hernando?
No, Sister, it is not.
So, if you don't mind, you
can give us a new check.
You want me to give you...
In other words, Sisters, if
my mind is still functioning,
I am going to give
you a check for $5,000?
Thank you very much, Senor
Hernando. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. You will be
remembered in our prayers.
And I won't forget you. Never.
So if you'll just give us a new
check we'll be running along.
I cannot give you a new check.
Pardon?
Come, let me explain to you.
You see, it is not that I do not
want to, or that you do not deserve it,
I would not want you
to lose confidence in me.
That would be disastrous,
especially right now.
Just exactly what do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, what do I mean?
Yes, what I mean is
I cannot give you a new check
until the old check is canceled.
Oh, well, that's practically
canceled right now.
Oh, yes, we could
just tear it up.
Right up.
No, no, no. I'm afraid that would make
shambles of my bookkeeping system,
but we will work something out.
What I will do is transfer funds
from my campaign
account to my joint account,
which will take a
little time, of course.
How much time?
A few days. Until
I'm elected Mayor.
At which time,
Sisters, believe me,
I will be writing checks
all over the place.
Thank you very much.
You are very welcome.
And here is your old check.
What'll we do with it?
Let me not keep you
from your duties, Sisters.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.
And do not worry, you will
hear from me, I promise.
Goodbye.
Sisters, there is nothing
to be concerned about.
I am certain that Senor
Hernando will keep his word.
In fact, he just telephoned
me a few moments ago,
just before you returned.
He did? Yes.
He said that he is on his
way over here right now.
He is?
That's the fastest
transfer of funds in history.
Especially with banks closed.
He couldn't have been
elected Mayor already?
Well, it's a very small town.
3,500 souls, 260 donkeys.
Well, in any case, he
will be here momentarily.
JACQUELINE: While we were preparing
for the arrival of Senor Hernando,
we were too busy to notice
the arrival of Senor Hernando.
Although even if we had noticed
him, we wouldn't have noticed him.
Does that sound
confusing? It was.
Oh, yes, Senor Hernando, we
plan to do all sorts of wonderful things
for the Convent with
your generous donation.
That is why I dropped by, Reverend
Mother, to see that all was well.
Well, uh, now that you are here,
I am sure that
everything will be well.
What happened to it?
I thought that Sister
Bertrille explained.
Sister Bertrille? Who is...
(PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, yes, Your Excellency.
Reverend Mother, have you
seen the San Rafael Herald?
Not recently, no.
Is there something in it that
would be of interest to me?
Reverend Mother, my
capacity is strictly advisory.
However, do you think it's wise
to involve the Convent
in local politics?
Your Excellency,
I... I am not certain
that I know exactly what
you are talking about.
Well, then, let me
read this to you.
"San Tanco Sisters support
Honest Juan Hernando."
What?
Honest Juan Hernando
has a reputation
for being a little
less than honest.
Why, that is dreadful.
He is simply an opportunist. And
he'll do almost anything to get elected.
I only wish you could
see him in action.
Your Excellency, I am
seeing him in action.
And while I don't know how
you, uh, got involved with this man,
but my advice is...
Your Excellency, I know
exactly how we got involved.
And I will take care of
this matter immediately.
And thank you, Your Excellency,
for calling us. Good day.
Senor Hernando,
we do not want your check.
You don't?
No.
Now I know why you gave
us a donation of $5,000.
You do?
Senor Hernando, you
should be ashamed
of yourself for
what you have done.
What did I do?
That telephone call was from
His Excellency, the Bishop.
Yes, yes.
It was about you,
Senor Hernando.
He explained everything.
Reverend Mother, I have committed
a sin or two in my lifetime, but...
Senor Hernando, there is one sin
which exceeds all others in perfidy.
And that is the sin of
attempting to bribe the church.
Senor Hernando, you are a
self-serving, heartless, evil man.
Reverend Mother!
Good day, Senor Hernando.
Well, the meat's cooking, the
table's set. And who was that man?
Why that was your good,
kind, generous Senor Hernando.
Oh, no. It wasn't our good,
kind, generous Senor Hernando.
It is not?
No. Our good, kind, generous Senor
Hernando is a short man with a mustache.
So who was that?
That was my good, kind,
generous Senor Hernando.
The real one, I presume.
And I just gave him his
$5,000 and a piece of my mind.
Quickly, Sisters.
Before he leaves.
No apologies, Sisters, please.
I understand perfectly.
Senor Hernando, the Sisters have
explained the misunderstanding?
Oh, we would not have wanted you
to leave under such circumstances.
Why, with a name as common
as mine, anything can happen.
Then you bear us no ill will?
Of course not, Reverend
Mother. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Oh, won't you stay for
dinner, Senor Hernando?
Yes, we have some fantastic
brandied peaches. Ninety proof.
A-A-And a lovely
roast. Rarely done.
Done rare, Sister. Thank
you, but I must be going.
(SISTERS CHATTERING)
Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, of course. My hat.
And your check? No.
I beg your pardon?
The Reverend Mother was right.
The Reverend Mother was
wrong, whatever she said.
Yes, actually, you do
understand, Senor Hernando,
that I was referring
to another scoundrel.
Another Senor Hernando.
It does not matter.
You hit on the truth.
My life has been
anything but pure.
I have become wealthy
in ways I am not proud of.
My money's tainted.
Could I ask you to accept that?
Well, if you ever happen to
run across any untainted money,
will you keep us in
mind? Sister Bertrille.
I was just thinking
of his conscience.
As a matter of fact,
yes. Yes, I have.
Five years ago, I
bought a piece of land,
and sold it a year later
for a handsome profit.
It was a clean, no
monkey-business transaction.
That profit, I would
be glad to donate.
Oh, thank you. Thank you
very much, Senor Hernando.
The check is for $100.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Not at all. Good
day, and thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Well, Sisters,
there's a great deal that
can be done with $100.
We could always plunge
it into the campaign
against Juan
Hernando, the crook.
But I thought I was
the real Juan Hernando.
I mean, all my life I have
been the real Juan Hernando.
And now, suddenly,
I am no longer
the real Juan Hernando anymore.
Certainly not the Juan
who sent us the check.
Well, is... is that my fault?
Why didn't you
tell us the truth?
In front of my constituents?
I'm a politician, not a martyr.
Well, you're going to
have to call the newspapers
and tell them it was
a misunderstanding.
Well, it was as much your
misunderstanding as it was mine.
Why should I be the
only one to suffer?
(INAUDIBLE)
We've reached a compromise.
Yes, and so, my friends,
with the help of the
good Sisters here,
we have developed
a marvelous platform.
And so, I want to promise you,
that if I am elected
Mayor of our fair city,
that I will not do away
with all of the taxes.
And I promise you also
that you could forget
about the super highway.
And you could forget about the
new bridges and the stadiums...
Senor Hernando,
uno momento, tell us,
just what would you
do if you are elected?
I will go to church every
day of my life and give thanks
because if I am elected,
I will be the most surprised
man in all of Puerto Rico.
JACQUELINE: There was
great joy at Convent San Tanco
that lovely spring day in April.
Sister Jacqueline, Sister
Sixto, Sister Bertrille!
Come here, Sisters, quickly. I
have something to show you.
JACQUELINE: The reason for our
happiness was a check for $5,000
donated to Convent San Tanco
by a certain Senor Juan Hernando.
The figures swam before my eyes.
So many lovely zeros.
As our spirits soared over
this unexpected windfall,
Sister Bertrille just soared.
Come down, Sister. Come down!
Reverend Mother
wants to talk to us.
About the big banana.
Bonanza, Sister. Bonanza.
Oh, we're going
to watch television?
She's going to open up the jar
of homemade brandied peaches
she's been saving to celebrate.
JACQUELINE: Sister Bertrille
may be aerodynamically sound,
but like any airliner,
she is occasionally at the
mercy of that old devil, wind.
(CRASHING)
Get a ladder, Sister.
Wait there. Don't go away.
(FABRIC RIPPING)
Sister Sixto, hurry.
Going my way?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, I just love
brandied peaches.
I thought only
cattle is brandied?
A toast to Senor Hernando.
ALL: Here! Here!
I think we've all had
one peach too many.
You still haven't told us
who Senor Hernando is.
I still don't know who he is.
Our Convent records show
that a boy by that name was
raised here in the orphanage.
That was before my time.
REV. MOTHER: When he was 17,
he left the Convent to seek his fortune.
He sure did. $5,000
is not grass, you know?
Hay, Sister.
That's what I say. Hey, Sister, what
are we gonna do with all that money?
SIXTO: How about a new stove?
Buy new cushions for the
prayer benches. Soft ones.
Oh, yes. That means there'll
be a lot more praying done.
Build a new playground
for the children.
Oh, and buy a new station wagon.
Mmm. Mmm.
A television set. Color.
Don't forget the remote control.
Sisters. Sisters, I promise
that I will take all of your
suggestions under advisement.
In the meantime, I think
it would be a good idea
if you, Sister Jacqueline,
or Sister Bertrille,
drive into town and
deposit the check.
Why don't we both go?
Sister Jacqueline could
drive, and I could ride shotgun.
You think the old
heap will start?
We haven't got much
time before the bank closes.
I hope so. I'd be terribly worried
carrying this around till Monday.
By the way, where did
you put it? My pocket.
Oh, do you think
that's a safe place for it?
Well, did you ever hear
of anyone losing a pocket?
On the other hand,
there's always a first time.
(WIND BLOWING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Well, I've heard of a check
bouncing, but this is ridiculous.
Sister Bertrille,
prepare for takeoff.
Roger and out.
That a boy.
Come on, give it here now.
Well, you can't even
cash it. It isn't endorsed.
Come back here, you embezzler!
Drop that check. You understand?
Drop that check
this very instant.
Oh, no.
Now he listens to me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me. I got it.
Oh, I got it.
It's only scorched a little bit
down here where the signature is...
Was.
Now what are we gonna do?
How about crying?
Oh...
Oh, excuse us.
Enjoy your dinner.
Goodbye.
JACQUELINE: And there was no
address or phone number on his note?
Unfortunately, no.
Maybe we could call the bank. They're
sure to know who Juan Hernando is.
Yes, we can. When
it opens on Monday.
Oh.
For all we know, Juan Hernando
might leave this island over the weekend.
A man as rich as he is could go
away and not come back for months.
Sisters, you're all
missing the important point.
I don't think you should
let a whole weekend go by
without thanking Senor
Hernando for his generosity.
It's just not polite.
REV. MOTHER: That's a very
excellent suggestion, Sister Bertrille.
But how do you
propose we implement it?
Reverend Mother, may I
borrow your telephone book?
Here's his name.
And here. And here. And here.
It seems Juan Hernando is
the John Smith of Puerto Rico.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
With a little bit of luck,
and a lot of patience,
we just might find him.
(PHONE DIALING)
Hello? This is Sister Bertrille
of the Convent San Tanco.
I... I'm looking for
Juan Hernando.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Well, thank you very
much, Mrs. Hernando.
She's looking for him,
too. Has been for 10 years.
May I suggest a more
scientific approach,
such as starting at the top
and working your way down?
Oh, good idea. Why
didn't I think of it?
BERTRILLE: Keep your
fingers crossed, girls.
Uh. Hello? This is Sister
Bertrille of the Convent San Tanco.
May I please speak with
Senor Juan Hernando?
Oh.
When will he be out?
Five years?
Cheer up. Maybe he'll get
time off for good behavior.
(RINGING)
Hello.
Yes, yes, this is Juan Hernando.
Uh, this is Sister Bertrille
of the Convent San Tanco.
Yes, Sister. What
can I do for you?
Well, first I wanna make sure
you're the real Senor Hernando.
Yes. I am the real
Senor Hernando.
The orphan?
Yes, you could say
that. Mmm-hmm.
And, and you were
raised by the Sisters?
Yes, you could say that also.
He's an orphan.
He's the real Juan Hernando.
I found him. I found him.
Yes. Yes, Sister,
I am still here,
but I am very, very
busy. Perhaps you could...
What are you doing?
I am taking this typewriter.
You can't do that.
Do you have the
money you still owe on it?
No, but...
Then I'm taking this typewriter.
Yes, Sister, yes, I am,
I am still on the line.
Perhaps you could tell me
what is on your mind quickly.
I'm calling about the donation.
Sit.
Yes, Sister, you were saying
something about a... a donation?
Yes. The $5,000 check.
Tell him we'll
bring it right over.
Yes, Senor Hernando, if it's all right
with you, we'd like to bring it right over?
Sister, let me try to understand
what it is you are saying.
You are saying, if
it is all right with me,
you are going to bring
the check for $5,000?
Yes.
Of course it is
all right with me.
A miracle, a miracle.
Senor Hernando, I'd like
to explain what happened.
Never mind, Sister. Tell me when
you get here, and the sooner the better.
HERNANDO: Do you
know where San Rafael is?
I'll find it.
Well, it is just
outside of San Juan.
A little town of 3,500 souls
and 260 donkeys.
How far away are you?
Oh, about 10 miles
as the crow flies.
I'm talking about decent crow.
Now, listen to me
very carefully, Sister.
I have a very important meeting
at my campaign headquarters
at the corner of Alverez
and Montenegro Streets.
You will meet me there
and bring the check, yes?
Well, yes. But how
will I recognize you?
Sister, there is no need for you to
recognize me. I will recognize you.
Goodbye, Sister, and hurry.
Do you know what that
means, Senor Tomas?
That the Sisters of the
Convent of San Tanco
are supporting me
in my campaign.
Well, what'd he say?
Well, he's giving us a
new check for $5,000.
After what you have heard, you
are still taking back the typewriter?
Only to go out to the truck to
get you another one, Your Honor.
For the next Governor
of Puerto Rico,
only a brand-new
electric typewriter will do.
And, my friends, I promise you
that if I am elected Mayor,
I promise you that I
will keep my promises.
I will build a new
super highway.
A bridge connecting the islands.
And a football stadium.
How will you get the money?
By lowering the
taxes, that is how.
Who will pay for all
these improvements?
What is the question? Oh,
yes. That is a very good question.
And I will answer it
in my first State of the Union
message after I'm elected.
The Sisters. Tell
them about the Sisters.
Yes, yes, I was
just coming to that.
And now, my dear friends,
you will be happy to learn
that I am not only
the candidate of labor,
and of management,
of the working class,
and of the propertied class,
but also of that most
sacred of all institutions,
the church itself.
Yes, the church
as represented by the Sisters
of the Convent of San Tanco.
Oh, I see you do not believe me.
Well, what if I were to tell
you that at this moment,
the Sisters are bringing
to me a check of $5,000
in support of my campaign?
(ALL MURMURING)
You would think that I,
honest Juan Hernando,
am stretching the truth.
Well, then, look,
for the truth comes marching on.
Excuse me.
Sisters, I am Juan
Hernando and I am delighted.
Oh, well, we're
glad to see you, too.
Come. Come. You must share
the place of honor with me.
Yes, my friends, look, as I
have promised, these Sisters...
Watch your step, Sisters.
Watch the step. It
is a very high step.
I hope you have thought
of a few well-chosen words
to say to my constituents.
About what?
About me. Say something nice.
Of course. Yes.
Ahem.
It's a great honor
to be able to tell you
what a kind and generous
person Senor Hernando is.
And furthermore...
HERNANDO: Thank you, Sister.
There, my friends, you have
heard it from the horse's mouth.
Forgive me, Sister. I hope
you will vote accordingly.
You have brought
the check, Sister?
Well, now, may-maybe
you'd rather wait
until you're finished
with your little meeting.
On the contrary, I
want all my constituents
to witness our
little transaction.
Uh...
I'd like to explain
what happened to it.
What could happen to it safe
and snug in your little purse?
Intermission time.
And to while away
your waiting hours,
San Rafael's most distinguished
artist will play for you.
Play, Jose.
Play, Jose.
Sisters, I'd like to have
your ears for a moment.
Sisters, what kind
of a joke is this?
Oh, it was no joke.
Especially trying to find you.
What has happened to this check?
Well, let me try
to explain to you.
You see, it fell in the fire
and the signature burned off.
And, of course, a
check isn't any good
without a signature,
is it, Senor Hernando?
No, Sister, it is not.
So, if you don't mind, you
can give us a new check.
You want me to give you...
In other words, Sisters, if
my mind is still functioning,
I am going to give
you a check for $5,000?
Thank you very much, Senor
Hernando. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. You will be
remembered in our prayers.
And I won't forget you. Never.
So if you'll just give us a new
check we'll be running along.
I cannot give you a new check.
Pardon?
Come, let me explain to you.
You see, it is not that I do not
want to, or that you do not deserve it,
I would not want you
to lose confidence in me.
That would be disastrous,
especially right now.
Just exactly what do you mean?
What do I mean?
Well, what do I mean?
Yes, what I mean is
I cannot give you a new check
until the old check is canceled.
Oh, well, that's practically
canceled right now.
Oh, yes, we could
just tear it up.
Right up.
No, no, no. I'm afraid that would make
shambles of my bookkeeping system,
but we will work something out.
What I will do is transfer funds
from my campaign
account to my joint account,
which will take a
little time, of course.
How much time?
A few days. Until
I'm elected Mayor.
At which time,
Sisters, believe me,
I will be writing checks
all over the place.
Thank you very much.
You are very welcome.
And here is your old check.
What'll we do with it?
Let me not keep you
from your duties, Sisters.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.
And do not worry, you will
hear from me, I promise.
Goodbye.
Sisters, there is nothing
to be concerned about.
I am certain that Senor
Hernando will keep his word.
In fact, he just telephoned
me a few moments ago,
just before you returned.
He did? Yes.
He said that he is on his
way over here right now.
He is?
That's the fastest
transfer of funds in history.
Especially with banks closed.
He couldn't have been
elected Mayor already?
Well, it's a very small town.
3,500 souls, 260 donkeys.
Well, in any case, he
will be here momentarily.
JACQUELINE: While we were preparing
for the arrival of Senor Hernando,
we were too busy to notice
the arrival of Senor Hernando.
Although even if we had noticed
him, we wouldn't have noticed him.
Does that sound
confusing? It was.
Oh, yes, Senor Hernando, we
plan to do all sorts of wonderful things
for the Convent with
your generous donation.
That is why I dropped by, Reverend
Mother, to see that all was well.
Well, uh, now that you are here,
I am sure that
everything will be well.
What happened to it?
I thought that Sister
Bertrille explained.
Sister Bertrille? Who is...
(PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, yes, Your Excellency.
Reverend Mother, have you
seen the San Rafael Herald?
Not recently, no.
Is there something in it that
would be of interest to me?
Reverend Mother, my
capacity is strictly advisory.
However, do you think it's wise
to involve the Convent
in local politics?
Your Excellency,
I... I am not certain
that I know exactly what
you are talking about.
Well, then, let me
read this to you.
"San Tanco Sisters support
Honest Juan Hernando."
What?
Honest Juan Hernando
has a reputation
for being a little
less than honest.
Why, that is dreadful.
He is simply an opportunist. And
he'll do almost anything to get elected.
I only wish you could
see him in action.
Your Excellency, I am
seeing him in action.
And while I don't know how
you, uh, got involved with this man,
but my advice is...
Your Excellency, I know
exactly how we got involved.
And I will take care of
this matter immediately.
And thank you, Your Excellency,
for calling us. Good day.
Senor Hernando,
we do not want your check.
You don't?
No.
Now I know why you gave
us a donation of $5,000.
You do?
Senor Hernando, you
should be ashamed
of yourself for
what you have done.
What did I do?
That telephone call was from
His Excellency, the Bishop.
Yes, yes.
It was about you,
Senor Hernando.
He explained everything.
Reverend Mother, I have committed
a sin or two in my lifetime, but...
Senor Hernando, there is one sin
which exceeds all others in perfidy.
And that is the sin of
attempting to bribe the church.
Senor Hernando, you are a
self-serving, heartless, evil man.
Reverend Mother!
Good day, Senor Hernando.
Well, the meat's cooking, the
table's set. And who was that man?
Why that was your good,
kind, generous Senor Hernando.
Oh, no. It wasn't our good,
kind, generous Senor Hernando.
It is not?
No. Our good, kind, generous Senor
Hernando is a short man with a mustache.
So who was that?
That was my good, kind,
generous Senor Hernando.
The real one, I presume.
And I just gave him his
$5,000 and a piece of my mind.
Quickly, Sisters.
Before he leaves.
No apologies, Sisters, please.
I understand perfectly.
Senor Hernando, the Sisters have
explained the misunderstanding?
Oh, we would not have wanted you
to leave under such circumstances.
Why, with a name as common
as mine, anything can happen.
Then you bear us no ill will?
Of course not, Reverend
Mother. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Oh, won't you stay for
dinner, Senor Hernando?
Yes, we have some fantastic
brandied peaches. Ninety proof.
A-A-And a lovely
roast. Rarely done.
Done rare, Sister. Thank
you, but I must be going.
(SISTERS CHATTERING)
Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, of course. My hat.
And your check? No.
I beg your pardon?
The Reverend Mother was right.
The Reverend Mother was
wrong, whatever she said.
Yes, actually, you do
understand, Senor Hernando,
that I was referring
to another scoundrel.
Another Senor Hernando.
It does not matter.
You hit on the truth.
My life has been
anything but pure.
I have become wealthy
in ways I am not proud of.
My money's tainted.
Could I ask you to accept that?
Well, if you ever happen to
run across any untainted money,
will you keep us in
mind? Sister Bertrille.
I was just thinking
of his conscience.
As a matter of fact,
yes. Yes, I have.
Five years ago, I
bought a piece of land,
and sold it a year later
for a handsome profit.
It was a clean, no
monkey-business transaction.
That profit, I would
be glad to donate.
Oh, thank you. Thank you
very much, Senor Hernando.
The check is for $100.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Not at all. Good
day, and thank you.
God be with you.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Well, Sisters,
there's a great deal that
can be done with $100.
We could always plunge
it into the campaign
against Juan
Hernando, the crook.
But I thought I was
the real Juan Hernando.
I mean, all my life I have
been the real Juan Hernando.
And now, suddenly,
I am no longer
the real Juan Hernando anymore.
Certainly not the Juan
who sent us the check.
Well, is... is that my fault?
Why didn't you
tell us the truth?
In front of my constituents?
I'm a politician, not a martyr.
Well, you're going to
have to call the newspapers
and tell them it was
a misunderstanding.
Well, it was as much your
misunderstanding as it was mine.
Why should I be the
only one to suffer?
(INAUDIBLE)
We've reached a compromise.
Yes, and so, my friends,
with the help of the
good Sisters here,
we have developed
a marvelous platform.
And so, I want to promise you,
that if I am elected
Mayor of our fair city,
that I will not do away
with all of the taxes.
And I promise you also
that you could forget
about the super highway.
And you could forget about the
new bridges and the stadiums...
Senor Hernando,
uno momento, tell us,
just what would you
do if you are elected?
I will go to church every
day of my life and give thanks
because if I am elected,
I will be the most surprised
man in all of Puerto Rico.