The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Return of Father Lundigan - full transcript

(BARKING)

You're being very
foolish, Sister Bertrille.

We've been taking the
children to Dr. Paredes for years,

and not one of them has ever
complained about being hurt.

Well, that's because
they have baby teeth,

and adult teeth hurt
like... like the dickens.

A shot of Novocain and
you won't feel a thing.

Of course, I've never
been to him personally,

but from what I
hear he's very skillful.

See, what they do is they
swab the gum with some solution

that freezes the area, so
even the needle doesn't hurt.



From then on
there's nothing to it.

Your jaw freezes and he
can hack away while you relax.

Oh, do you want
something, Sister Ana?

I would like to
ask you a question.

Mmm-hmm.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, Sister...

Sister Bertrille.

I'm up here.

What are you doing up there?

Just trying something
out and it works.

When I'm up here,
my tooth doesn't hurt.

See, doesn't hurt.

Well, you can't spend your
whole life up there, can you?



Well, can you?

I'm thinking it over.

Just give it a try,
Reverend Mother.

It's drip-dry, and it's the
rage now in the States.

We call it the minihabit.

No, thank you, Senor Quesada.

I will leave it with
you on consignment.

You can think about it

until I come back this afternoon

with the rest of your order.

You would be wasting
your time, senor.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
REV. MOTHER: Come in.

You wanted to see me, Reverend
Mother? Yes, Sister Bertrille.

That will be all,
thank you, senor.

What do you think of this
little number, huh, Sister?

Oh, wow, that's really
cool. Sister Bertrille.

I mean, it seems that it would
be very cool in the warm weather.

There, you see?

Good day, Senor Quesada.

Well, until this afternoon,
Reverend Mother.

(SIGHING)

If persistence is a virtue,
then Senor Quesada

must be the most virtuous
salesman in all of Puerto Rico.

Uh, is there something you wanted
to see me about, Reverend Mother?

(GROANS) That is what I
wanted to see you about.

Our morning prayers
were regularly punctuated

by the sound you just made.

Well, I'll try to pray
more quietly in the future.

(GROANS)

You have a toothache.

Well, a little pain
never hurt anybody.

Hmm. I want you to see
Dr. Paredes as soon as possible.

JACQUELINE: While
Sister Bertrille was making

(HONKING) her painful
journey to the dentist,

an old friend of ours arrived
at Convent San Tanco.

Father Lundigan is a
professional psychologist.

His last visit with us was
rather traumatic for him.

He came to the conclusion

that he had landed in a
convent full of demented nuns,

because we believed
Sister Bertrille could fly.

Until he saw her fly,

and then came to the
conclusion that he was demented.

After a year's
therapy, he returned.

He couldn't have
picked a worse day.

What happened at
the dentist's office

would send him back to
therapy for another year.

Oh, Reverend
Mother. Sister Bertrille.

How are you? Carlos.

Senor Ramirez. What
are you doing here?

Waiting for the dentist.
What do you think?

Well, if... if the
doctor's busy,

I'll come back next month.

Next week?

What about tomorrow?

We'll wait till he's free.

What's the matter, Sister?
You got a little toothache?

You wouldn't call it a little
toothache if it were in your head.

(GRUNTS)

Aren't you the one that always
tells me, "Give until it hurts"?

Good morning, Reverend
Mother, Sister, Carlos.

How are you doctor?
How is your wife?

Oh, I'm expecting word
from the hospital any minute.

Dr. Paredes, is your wife ill?

She's fine.

I'm the one who's
not feeling so good.

We're having a baby.

Your wife is having a baby
and you're not at the hospital?

Oh, well, that's terrible. Listen,
I'll come back some other time.

No, no, Mrs. Paredes insists
I take care of my patients

until the last possible moment.

Come, Carlos, I believe
you're next. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I believe that Sister Bertrille's
need is greater than mine.

She can go first. Oh, well, I
know what a busy man you are, I...

This is my day
off. You go first.

You can even have
my lollipop. Here.

Thanks a lot.

Doctor, she needs reassurance.

She's... She's really
very frightened.

Perhaps you'd like
to come in with her?

Oh, thank you. Yes.

Just sit down, please.

What are you doing?

This is just to
protect your clothing.

Protect it? From what?

Now you must relax.

Mmm.

Now, which tooth is it?

(MUMBLING)

Open wide, please.

You're not gonna touch it,
are you? It's very sensitive.

How am I going to examine
it without touching it?

Isn't there some other way?

I'll try.

Sister Bertrille, you must
stop acting like a child.

Yes, ma'am.

(GROANS)

Now, open wide.

Yeah. That's a nasty
cavity. I'll have to fill it.

Oh! Then we'd better make
an appointment... Sister Bertrille!

She is a rather difficult
patient, isn't she?

Not difficult. Impossible.

May I suggest a technique that is
very effective for this type of patient?

CARLOS: You hypnotized her?

Amazing!

I've never seen her
so quiet for so long.

You are a
miracle-worker, Doctor.

Reverend Mother,
isn't he just...

Doctor?

She's under, too.

Oh, no.

How come?

She must be very suggestible.

It happens sometimes. I'd
better bring them both out of it.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Can you do a
post-hypnotic suggestion?

Carlos, I'm a dentist,
not a nightclub performer.

Too bad.

It would be great if you can make
Sister Bertrille behave more like a nun.

But if you cannot do
it, you cannot do it.

I didn't say I couldn't.

If I wanted to, I could make
her act like the Reverend Mother.

No. Yes.

And I could make the Reverend
Mother act like Sister Bertrille.

That I don't believe. Oh? Wait.

Just to humor you, I'll do just one
trick and then take them out of it.

Watch this.

Sister Bertrille, you
will awake and feel fine

until you hear the word "red."

When you do, you will act
like the Reverend Mother.

And, Reverend Mother,
when you hear the word "red,"

you will behave
like Sister Bertrille.

You will awaken at
the count of three.

One, two, three.

(MOANS)

Carlos, who let
you in? Well, I...

Doctor, I... I'm terribly sorry.

I'm afraid I dozed off.

Oh, that's quite all
right, Reverend Mother.

Uh, you did look a bit weary.

In fact, your
eyes are quite red.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey, Carlos, that's a
crazy suit you're wearing.

Isn't it, Sister Bertrille?

I find it a bit garish myself.

Do you not have something
a bit more conservative

in your wardrobe, Senor Ramirez?

Incredible.

How long could this last?

Until the post-hypnotic
suggestion is removed.

Well, enough of
this. Sleep. Sleep.

When you awake, you
will feel fine and then...

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, boy, that must
be the hospital.

Dr. Paredes here. Yeah?

Yeah.

Yes, I'll be right over.

My wife is in labor!

Please forgive
me, but I must go.

Dr. Paredes, the Reverend Mother

and Sister Bertrille,
they are still under.

Yes, yes, of course.

Madre Mia, I'm losing my mind.

When I snap my finger,

you will awaken
feeling refreshed.

One, two, three. Awaken.

Is it all over? It's all over.

Well, there, you see.
There was nothing to fear.

Forgive me for not visiting, ladies,
but I must drive over to the hospital.

My wife is in labor.

I can't drive to the hospital.

Why not? I don't have a car.

I'll drive you.

So, how have things been
going with you, Father Lundigan?

Well, if you recall, after
I visited here last year

I was a little rocky.

So were we.

But after nine months
with Dr. Cooper, my analyst,

I think my id has finally come
to basic grips with my ego,

thus controlling
my disorientation.

And how are things at San Tanco?

Oh, because of Sister Bertrille,

they're a bit up in
the air right now.

How... How do you
mean that exactly?

Reverend Mother has had
to take her to the dentist.

I'm afraid Sister Bertrille
is a bit of a scaredy-cat.

Yes. A common phobia,

sometimes
atavistic in its origin.

Her anxiety reactions
feed upon themselves

and in so doing,

heighten her internal conflict.

What does that mean?

She's a scaredy-cat.

Well, what brings you
here, Father Lundigan?

Actually, I'm on a tour
of various convents

to report on mental health.

Whose?

Pardon?

Last time, my wife was
in labor for 24 hours.

If you are so good,

why don't you hypnotize her and
make her believe it is tomorrow?

Her I could hypnotize,

but an unborn baby is
a very difficult subject.

Good heavens.

What is it?

In the excitement,

I forgot to remove the
post-hypnotic suggestion.

You are not talking about the
Reverend Mother and Sister Bertrille?

Yes. But you did bring
them out of their trance.

I know, but the post-hypnotic
suggestion, it will still operate.

You are not
serious? I am serious.

Every time they
hear the word "red,"

Sister Bertrille will assume the
personality of the Reverend Mother.

Oh, that's nothing
to worry about.

And the Reverend Mother will
assume the personality of Sister Bertrille.

That's something to worry about.

Oh, Sister Jacqueline,
that dentist is really the end.

An hour in his office is
like a week in the country.

You've just got to go to him.

Well, he sounds divine,

but I haven't got a
cavity in my mouth.

Well, then eat more candy.

Am I exaggerating,
Reverend Mother?

Well, Dr. Paredes certainly
does have a great talent

for inspiring
confidence in people.

Actually, Sister Jacqueline,

I was so relaxed that
I think I fell asleep.

LUNDIGAN: Reverend Mother.

Father Lundigan, I... I didn't
know you were visiting us.

I was just going
to let you know.

Uh, well, how nice
to see you again.

It's good to be back, I hope.

How did it go at the
dentist, Sister Bertrille?

Oh, it was a breeze.

Reverend Mother, I
should like a chat with you

at your earliest convenience.

(BELL RINGING)

Well, I'll be late for
class if I don't fly.

That is the reason I came back
to San Tanco, Mother Superior.

To observe Sister
Jacqueline's class?

Oh, no.

Don't you recall my
visit about a year ago?

Do we? You ran out of
here like gangbusters.

Oh, Sister Bertrille means

that your, uh, departure was,
uh, somewhat precipitous.

That was part of the
disorientation to my hallucinations.

I beg your pardon.

Actually, I'm paraphrasing
Dr. Cooper's analysis

of why I thought I saw
Sister Bertrille flying.

I have studied a good deal
of related material since then

and I'm persuaded
Cooper is correct.

Sister Bertrille cannot,
of course, actually fly.

Well... I'm convinced of this,

from the case
histories that I've read.

Doc Cooper must
be a real ding-a-ling.

I... I beg your pardon.

She means his veracity
is open to, uh, question.

What?

Look, I... I don't
think I understand.

Uh, Father, you have
got the right place,

but you got the wrong nun.

The wrong nun? Right.

I'm the one who does
the flying around here.

(EXHALING)

Reverend Mother, I find this
conduct most unbecoming.

Oh, fiddle-de-dee!

Will you call up...

Senor Quesada for me?

I wanna talk to him about,
uh, those crazy minihabits.

T-T-Taxi!

Taxi!

I have to call the auto
club. Why would you want...

Won't it be faster if you change it
yourself? Yeah, it would be faster,

except that I have the same
problem with my spare tire

that you had with your car.

What is it?

I don't have one.

I'm convinced, Your Excellency,

that things are even worse
here now with the Sisters

than they were a year ago.

Then it was Sister Bertrille
that thought she could fly.

But now, the Reverend Mother,

suffering from an over-developed

wish-fulfillment syndrome,

actually believes
she can fly, too.

I feel the situation is an emergency
and requires immediate attention

before the idea spreads
to the whole convent.

And...

Okay, toss it up.

(WHOOPING)

Jump high. Move
it around, all right?

Play, play! Let's go!

(WHOOPING)

(REV. MOTHER EXCLAIMING)

Let's hustle it
up a little, huh?

Hi, there.

Time out, team.

Hi, there, Senor Quesada.

Uh, bring your order book?

You changed your mind?
You wish to order something?

Mmm-hmm.

Minihabits. Those
crazy minihabits.

Minihabits? But this
morning you said...

Well, a girl's entitled to
change her mind, isn't she?

Minihabits for everybody!

Yes... Yes, ma'am.

Sizes, please?

You gotta ask the girls.

Okay.

What size are you?

I hardly see how
that concerns you.

The Reverend Mother is
ordering minihabits for everybody.

I find that hard to believe.

Oh, Sister Bertrille,
they're real cool.

Personally, I find them
in exceedingly poor taste.

Sister, please, don't
ruin the sale for me.

I'm a poor man.

Quiet, young man.

Frankly, I am
shocked at your choice.

We've worn these habits
since the turn of the century

and I see no reason why
we should not wear them

into the next century.

That's 'cause you're
an old fuddy-duddy.

I shall pretend I never
heard that remark.

Did you notice the
Reverend Mother's

impression of Wilt Chamberlain?

It's like she found the
fountain pen of youth.

Fountain is sufficient.
More than sufficient.

If she acts any younger
I'm really gonna get worried.

Oh, Sister Bertrille, you're
just the person I wanted to see.

Have you noticed how strange

the Reverend Mother
is acting lately?

I certainly have.

And I find her behavior
most unbecoming.

(LAUGHING)

That amuses you?

Stop it, Sister Bertrille.
She's liable to hear you.

Who is liable to hear me?

Now look, if you
want to do imitations,

try Bette Davis. It's safer.

I should think you ought
to have better things to do

then stand around
like cackling hens.

Now if you will excuse me,

I'm going to the chapel
for meditation and prayer.

Let's all say a little prayer.

I think we're in
a lot of trouble.

That kid's ready for
the laughing ranch.

Funny farm.

It's not so funny,
anything about it.

I don't know what's going on,

but I think I'm going to
try consulting an expert.

In my opinion, Your Excellency,
there is only one person

who can be left in charge
of this very sick convent

and that is Sister Jacqueline.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Y-Yes?

May I speak to
you, Father? Please.

Uh, Father Lundigan,

have you had an
opportunity to observe

the Reverend Mother and Sister
Bertrille since you've arrived?

I have.

Well, did you...

Uh, did they seem
all right to you?

That depends.

By "all right," do you
mean normal? Yes.

No. Pardon?

I mean, the fact that the
Reverend Mother thinks she can fly

doesn't strike me as normal.

You heard her say she can fly?

I not only heard her,

I saw her flapping her arms
like an oversized seagull.

Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Well, I'm certainly glad to
hear you say that, Sister.

Of course!

The only one who
can fly is Sister Bertrille.

Strike that last paragraph.

Sister, for the past year

I've been undergoing a
thorough analysis with Dr. Cooper.

Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, Father.

Well, I certainly hope that
he's been of some help to you.

Oh, uh, some.

What I appear to
be suffering from

is a post-hallucinatory
suggestion

that's motivated by a
wish-fantasy fulfillment.

What does that mean?

I see things.

Oh.

Well, perhaps you
should see a psychiatrist.

Dr. Cooper is a psychiatrist.

Oh.

Well...

What exactly is it that you see?

I see you.

Me? In your dreams?

I'm not sure if it's a
dream or a nightmare.

When I left here
last year, Sister,

when I looked out the
window of the plane,

I... I thought I saw you

flying alongside the plane.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

You do need help.

Hey, Sister Bertrille,
I wanna talk to you.

Oh, hi, Father. Catch!

I wanna talk to you
about our basketball team.

Now look, either we
gotta get more height,

or you gotta lower the baskets.

Reverend Mother,

what is it that you are wearing?

Huh?

Oh, this is my new
minihabit. It's real cool, huh?

As a matter of fact,
it's such a nice day,

I think I'll just zoom
over to San Juan

and see what's
grooving over there.

Maybe I'd better
drive over with you.

Oh, who's driving? I'm flying.

Oh, Dr. Cooper.

I'm convinced that the situation
here has completely disintegrated.

Sister Bertrille's
flying frustration

appears to have infected
the Reverend Mother.

And in a... in a
post-schizoid development,

Sister Bertrille is emulating
the Reverend Mother.

And I'm also convinced

the only solution is to turn
this convent into a sanitarium,

and, finally,

before they regress to a
violent phase, I'm leaving.

Father Lundigan,
don't leave us, please.

Are you kidding?

Please, where is the Reverend
Mother and Sister Bertrille?

We must find them immediately.

Well, they're in no
condition to see anyone.

Oh, please tell us. Are
they acting strange?

Weird would be a
better description.

Somebody must have
said the word "red."

What? The key word.

I hypnotized them and gave
them a post-hypnotic suggestion

and forgot to remove it.

Oh.

Oh?

Oh!

Let's go.

Reverend Mother, come
down from there immediately.

I just wanna fly once
around the island.

Reverend Mother,
enough of this nonsense.

Reverend Mother, get down.

Reverend Mother, please, I
must have a word with you.

Later, Doc, I'm off into
the wild blue yonder.

If you're going up in
the wild blue yonder

(EXCLAIMING) you'll need
a key to start your airplane.

Who needs an airplane?

Oh, it's a very important key.

Look at it very carefully,
watch it, and sleep.

Sleep.

That's fine.

Now, when I count to
three, you will awaken

and not recall anything

you have done in
the last six hours.

You will be exactly as you were.

One, two, three.

Wake up!

(GASPING)

What am I doing up here?

Let me help you,
Reverend Mother.

It's my wife's fault.

She... She had a baby and...

Dr. Paredes, now, what are
you doing here at the convent?

You can read about
it in his memoirs.

JACQUELINE: Adios, Dr. Paredes.

And if I have to come to
your office, I'll take Novocain.

Merciful Father.

(STUTTERING)

(STUTTERING) Why
am I wearing this thing?

What... What happened was...

Here are the other
habits, Reverend Mother.

What other habits?

How dare you take advantage of
the Reverend Mother in her condition.

Have you all gone mad?

May I make a suggestion?

Yes, Sister Jacqueline.

Why don't we all come inside
and have a nice cup of tea.

It has? Oh, thank you.

His plane took off.

Oh, no.

It's bad enough
he thinks I can't fly,

but now he thinks the
Reverend Mother can fly.

Oh, what's the Bishop gonna think
when he gets Father Lundigan's report?

You know what I think?

I think you better do
something about it,

if you know what I mean.

Right.

And my only regret is

Sigmund Freud
wasn't alive to see it.

Bye.

Coffee, tea or milk?

No.

But could you force some
brandy down my throat?