The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Convent Is Condemned - full transcript

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: The monthly
old clothes drive was always

a busy time around
the Convent San Tanco.

Some of the old clothes we
collected were in fine condition.

Take this suit I'm holding.

Obviously worn by a
little old man in Pasadena

to go to and from the bank.

In a getaway car.

JACQUELINE:
Speaking of getaway cars,

that brings us to
Senor Gaspar Fomento,

our fearless Captain of Police.



A man who has dedicated his life

to stamping out
crime in San Tanco.

How do you do, Captain
Fomento? Captain.

So my information was correct.

You are collecting clothes, huh?

Well, we might as well confess.

Uh, we're a front for
a used clothing ring.

Making light of the situation

does not alter the fact

that you are breaking the law.

Well, Captain, what
is the charge this time?

I'm glad you asked.

Ah. Yes.

Page 67.



Sixty... Ah. Yes.

"According to the Civil Code,
Article 27, Paragraph Two,

"all charitable organizations
must apply for permits

"for fundraising activities
30 days in advance.

"Violators are
subject to a fine."

Please understand,
Reverend Mother,

I am as pious as the next man.

I have the utmost respect

for the sisters of the convent,

but as an officer of the law,

I cannot take sides.

I must act as if it
was my own mother,

who I arrested yesterday.

You're kidding?

A jaywalker is a jaywalker.

JACQUELINE: We got the permit

and began searching far
and wide for used clothing.

Sister Bertrille, naturally,
searched farther and wider.

As usual, she ended
up with a donor

who would give
the shirt off his back.

Without my casino, San
Tanco would be a ghost town.

Okay. No, no.

That's very nice of you.

If I change my mind
I will let you know.

Okay. Bye-bye.

The Mayor of San
Felipe again? Again.

Now he's offered to
give me the land free

and to build a new casino,

if I bring my
business into his town.

You have to be crazy to
turn down an offer like that.

Yeah, but I have loyalty
to the people of this town,

and then there is the sisters.

Sisters? Yeah.

I thought you only
had one sister.

At the convent, those sisters.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hi, Ramon. Hi, Carlos.

(EXCLAIMING) Speaking of the
devil, if you excuse the expression.

Excuse me.

What can I do for you, Sister?

Well, it's that time
of the year again.

What time of the
year is that exactly?

The milk fund drive?

No.

The building fund drive?

No. The old clothes drive.

Too late.

My brother-in-law
beat you to it.

Well, who's he
collecting for? Himself.

He's the best-dressed man
in the unemployment office.

Well, better luck next year.

Lovely. Bye.

It's brand new. Bye.

I just love that
new mature look.

Dibs on it next year
when you get tired of it.

Bye.

Bye. Wait.

What do you mean, mature look?

I mean, mature, like older.

I'm glad you're finally
giving up that playboy image.

Bye.

Wait a minute.

This makes me look older?

I'm sorry I said it. Bye.

No, no, no. I mean, this
is a very youthful style.

It certainly is.

On the right person.

What?

Boy, it will look really fantastic
with a pair of oxford gray slacks.

Senor Ramirez, five more
ashtrays have been stolen.

Yeah, I know.

But Senor Ramirez, that makes
15 ashtrays in the last week

that have been
stolen. Yeah, I know.

Mmm.

I don't think so.

You don't think so what?

Well, that coat makes you look
like a young man who's trying very...

Out, Sister. Out the door.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

I know, I'm walking
15 miles an hour

in a five-mile-an-hour
zone, right?

Very funny, Sister,
very, very funny.

But this has to do with
your old clothes drive.

I'll be right there.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Captain, you have
something you'd like to donate?

Can you use a
second-hand captain uniform?

Sure. Where do I pick it up?

Right here. I'm wearing it.

I'm thinking of turning
in my resignation.

Your resignation? Why? Why?

Number one,

this town offers no challenge

for a man who has
been formally trained

in the science of criminology.

Number two,

the Chief of Police
has requested it.

Your own brother-in-law?

Yes, we had a
difference of opinion.

You see, I made out a citation

for litterbugging
and he got angry.

Why? He was the litterbug.

I could get my sister to talk
him out of it. But why bother?

Nothing ever
happens here anyway.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, as soon as the
tour season starts,

I'm sure there'll be lots
more crime, so cheer up.

Sister, how can you take
matters so lightly? I really...

How would you like it,

if suddenly there will
be no more sinners?

Huh? Huh?

I can't believe there aren't
any crooks in San Tanco.

As a matter of fact, I
happen to know that there are.

Where? Where? Where?

Carlos' casino.

Someone's been
stealing ashtrays.

Ashtrays?

Yeah, I know it's not much,

but those ashtrays
mount up, and they're...

No, Sister, Sister. There is
no such thing as small crime.

Only small criminals.

A crime wave at my
casino? Who told you that?

We are not allowed
to give out names.

We protect our police informers.

Well, I assure you, Captain, that
nothing has been stolen from here.

I know you are denying
it because you are afraid

that the publicity is
bad for your casino.

I will assure you that
when I will handle the case,

it will be done with
the greatest discretion.

Now, it need not go any
further than these four walls.

Captain, I really
don't want you to...

What are you doing? Oh, I
am inspecting for fingerprints.

On my desk?

Could be an inside job.

You know something? I don't
believe you. Now, you listen to me...

Look, it's a beautiful print.

That's my hand.

Then I was right.
It is an inside job.

Captain, if I knew what
you heard was stolen,

maybe I can help you.

I have received a report

from, uh, one of
the police informers

that your casino is a victim
of a stolen ashtray ring.

(BLOWING)

That's why I never wear blue.

Picks up so many of
these little things, you know.

You don't understand, Captain.

I wanted those
ashtrays to be stolen.

In fact, I encourage the
customers to steal them.

Let me read to you
from the Criminal Code.

Page 79,

hmm-mmm, Section
C, Paragraph Two.

"Any person convicted of
inciting another to a criminal act"

No, Captain.

"shall himself be deemed
as abetting the crime"

But what happened...

"and subject to up to
five years imprisonment

"and a maximum fine of $10,000."

Captain, customers like to
take ashtrays as souvenirs.

That's why I had printed on
them, "Stolen from Casino Carlos."

It's supposed to be amusing.

All right. I will
have a look around.

Captain.

Captain, please. No, no. Please.

There are customers out there.

Are you afraid of
something, senor? Yes.

I have this terrible
fear of bankruptcy.

Senor Ramirez, I order
you to step aside, please.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You are under arrest.

I demand to know
the meaning of this.

Sit down.

(SCREAMING)

You're under
arrest, too. Oh, no.

FOMENTO: You're under arrest...
Please... Please, everybody.

It's just a little
misunderstanding.

You are under arrest, too.

So lock your front door,
and do not let anyone leave.

Uh-huh. No one leave.

Your brother-in-law said I could
have this suit if you're ready to part

with your brown gabardine
double-breasted... Not now, Sister.

Please, not now.

That man, Fomento,
is raiding my place.

Ask me who I'm calling.
Who are you calling?

I'm calling the
Mayor of San Felipe.

Ask me why I'm calling
the Mayor of San Felipe.

Why are you calling the...

Because I'm accepting the
offer to move my casino there.

Carlos, you're not serious?

(ENGAGED TONE)

It's not my day.
His line is busy.

You know, Carlos, it isn't entirely
Captain Fomento's fault, you know?

Oh, it isn't? Isn't
he out there now,

ruining my business

because somebody
reported stolen ashtrays?

Well, I only told him
that to cheer him up.

You told him that?

Well, I thought it would
give him something to do...

Oh. That I don't believe.

So you're not really gonna
call the Mayor... Oh, no.

I'm going to fly there and
make the deal in person

so I'm sure that
nothing goes wrong.

Oh.

There we are.

A nice little slip
for a young girl,

or a miniskirt
for a stylish stout.

Oh, we're doing
fine, Sister Sixto.

There's only a few
more things left.

But I'm afraid you're doing
all the work, Sister Jacqueline.

I'm not very fast with
needle and thread,

I sew like molasses in February.

January.

My molasses is so slow, it
takes them two months to move.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

(SCREAMS)

I think you'd better take
an iodine break, Sister.

(GROANING)

Sister Jacqueline? Mmm-hmm.

Shall I use red
thread or white thread?

Well, that depends on
what you're planning to sew.

My mouth.

Maybe then I wouldn't be
so apt to put my foot in it?

You shouldn't feel
that way, Sister.

Because of me, the convent is
losing the best friend it ever had.

You acted with the
best of intentions.

If one is willing
to forgive others,

one should be willing
to forgive oneself.

What would you say
if you weren't a nun?

Use white thread.

I wonder if it's too late
to take the vow of silence.

When the Reverend
Mother returns from San Juan

and finds out that we're losing

the most generous patron
the convent ever had,

and it's all my
fault, she'll flip.

The Reverend Mother is a
very understanding woman.

I'm sure she'll
unflip eventually.

Look, why don't you try to find

a nice tail wind this
afternoon and relax?

Good thinking.

The worst part is, Carlos needs
us just as much as we need him.

I mean, we're like family to
him. We're a pain in the neck,

we're always interfering
with his personal life,

and we're always needing money.

I mean, what are relatives for?

I'm serious.

With all of Carlos' yelling and
screaming, he loves helping us out.

It gives him the
feeling of being needed.

(CAWING) You're right.

We got to stop Carlos from making
the biggest mistake of his whole life.

Yeah. Okay.

Shoo away home. Shoo
away. Shoo away home.

I'm positive, Sister Jacqueline.

I know Carlos and he just isn't
happy unless he's miserable.

Then we've made him the
happiest man in the world.

Sister Jacqueline, put down
the needle and get the wrench.

The hot water
heater just blew up.

(GROANS)

You know there
are teaching orders,

nursing orders, but I daresay

we're the first plumbing order.

In the old days, I
could have just gone

to Carlos and asked him
to donate a new heater.

Well, those days are
gone forever, Sister. Hmm.

Not necessarily.

Just what did you have in mind?

Well, if Carlos thought the
convent was in real trouble,

I'm sure he'd stay in San Tanco.

Well, I hardly think a hot water
heater is going to change his plans.

No, but suppose it was
something more serious?

Captain Fomento is here. Good.

Sister Bertrille,
you sent for me?

Yes. Nice to see you, Captain.
Now, won't you have a seat?

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Uh, I think this one over here
is much more comfortable.

Thank you.

Now, you're probably
wondering why I asked you here.

You see, I have kind
of a special request.

I thought perhaps I might be
able to bring some of the children

down to the police
station on sort of a field trip.

Being that we've never had
such a famous criminologist

here in San Tanco before. I...

I appreciate your
compliment, Sister,

but I... I still have
to give you a citation.

Citation? What for?

The faulty wiring. Oh, yes.

Well, how can it
be faulty if it works?

Sometimes I wish my eyes
were not so sharp. Hmm.

Let me read to you
something, yeah? Hmm-mmm.

Page 99,

Section A, Paragraph Two.

"All electrical conductors
must be properly insulated

"and no single outlet can carry

"over 400 watts of
AC or DC current."

(COUGHING)

Well, if we're breaking the law,

I guess you must do your duty.

That's right. Excuse me, Sister.

What... What is it,
Sister Jacqueline?

Be sure nobody lights
a match in the kitchen.

I think there's a leak in
the gas pipe. My word.

Gas pipe.

Faulty wiring, leak
in the gas pipe.

And we're not absolutely
sure of that, Captain.

(EXPLOSION)

Now you can write it down.

JACQUELINE: While I kept
Captain Fomento occupied,

Sister Bertrille arranged
another disaster, or two.

It appears to me that there are some
serious violations of the building code

in your convent, Sister.

I can assure you, Captain,

that outside of a
little faulty wiring

and an explosion in the kitchen,

you will find that the
rest of the convent

is in, uh, fair condition.

The prediction
was for clear skies.

Oh, my goodness, Captain.

What seems to
have happened here?

Obviously, there is
something wrong with your roof.

Oh, yes, well, I... I guess perhaps
some of the tiles have blown loose

and the insulation is
cracked in a few places.

Defective roofing.

Oh, excuse me, Sister Jacqueline,
we need some more candles.

Oh, there are some
in the basement, Sister.

Thank you.

Uh, Captain, step
over to the fire

and you can dry yourself.

Why don't you sit
closer to the fire?

Yes. Thank you.

(CLATTERING)

What was that?

To me it sounded like Sister Sixto
falling down the rotten basement steps.

Excuse me, but aren't you
going to find out if she's hurt?

JACQUELINE: Oh,
she never gets hurt.

And besides, the
water will break her fall.

Oh, the water. The water?

In the basement.

You got a flooded basement?

But don't worry about a thing.

Sister Sixto's a
very strong swimmer.

Rotting stairs,
strong swimmer...

Strong swimmer.

Flooded basement.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

Why, that must be that
clogged chimney again.

Naturally.

(COUGHING)

You giving us another
citation, Captain?

Another citation? Of course not.

(COUGHING)

This convent is condemned.

The convent is condemned?

That's right.

I... I guess it's the
end of the convent,

unless a miracle happens.

Well, you are in that business.

Yes. Well, I... I
realize, Carlos,

that it really isn't
any of your concern.

After all, you're
going to San Felipe,

and I imagine you'll
be very happy there.

I'm sure I will be.

I mean, there won't be
any Captain Fomento

or... or any nuns
like me to bother you.

That's true.

Well, I just thought
I'd tell you the news.

Okay. Thank you.

Well...

Good... Goodbye, Carlos.

Goodbye, Sister.

Good... Good luck.
Good luck to you. Bye-bye.

You, too.

I just thought...

I never thanked you for all the
wonderful things you've done

for the grand old Convent of San
Tanco and we'll never forget them.

And when we're standing
there with tears in our eyes,

watching the grand old Convent
of San Tanco being torn down,

we'll always remember that if it hadn't
been for our good friend Carlos Ramirez,

the grand old Convent of San Tanco
would have been torn down a long time ago.

Sister Bertrille, I could cry.

You could?

If I didn't feel like laughing.

To think that you would go
through all this just to keep me here.

Just to... Just to keep me here.

You're angry? Of
course I'm angry.

And touched.

Now confess it.
You made all this up.

Well, it's a nice
feeling to be wanted,

but why do I have to be wanted

by a convent of kooks?

You're right, Carlos.

We don't have any
right to ask you to stay.

I mean, it's your life to live,

such as it is.

So, don't worry about us.

We'll get along
without you somehow.

Sister Bertrille, why don't
you quit when you're ahead?

You'll stay?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. I would be crazy
to move to San Felipe

and have a happy, carefree life

when I can stay
here and have a crisis

every hour on the hour.

Don't look now, but one of those
little hour hands is coming up.

What now?

Captain Fomento is coming back

to formally hang up
the condemned sign.

But you just confessed
you made the whole thing up.

That part we didn't make up.

You mean, the clogged chimney

and the rotting
stairs, the basement...

That part we made up.

Okay.

How are we gonna
get you out of this now?

Well, I... I have one idea.

What is that?

You'd never do it. Do what?

Forget it.

Forget what?

No, I'm sorry I asked.

I demand that you ask me.

How would you like to
buy a 400-year-old convent?

He just drove up.
Good. Pass the word.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sister Jacqueline, word
has reached my ears

that you have the
convent up for sale.

That's right, Captain.

It's the only way out.

Please, do not be hasty, Sister.

You see, my chief has
asked me to review the case.

In fact, he has urged
me quite strongly.

Well, that's very
kind of the Chief,

but in our financial position,
we have no alternative.

(STUTTERING) But perhaps we
could overlook the clogged chimney.

Well, that would
save us about $300.

No problem.

Once we drain the
water in the basement,

it will be ideal for
the topless revue.

In the convent? Oh, yes.

Senor Ramirez has made a
generous offer to take over the place.

You plan to turn the
convent into a nightclub?

Oh, no, only the basement.

No, the upstairs would
be the gambling casino.

The meditation room
would be ideal for roulette.

BERTRILLE: And then we
could tear out the prayer benches

and put in slot machines.

CARLOS: The Mother Superior's office
would be a great place for blackjack.

On the contrary,

I think my office would be much
more suitable for the dice table.

Oh my goodness, Reverend Mother.

I beg of you, Reverend
Mother, do not sell the convent.

My chief was so furious when he
found out that I condemned the building...

You condemned it?

Oh, but I have the
power to overrule myself.

And I say that to turn the convent
into a casino and the basement into a...

It would be sacrilegious.

I quite agree.

Yes. Now, I came
across a... a paragraph.

"Any building
erected before 1765

"shall be of such historical significance
to be designated a national monument

"and not subject to the
current building standard."

Now, in my capacity
as Captain of the Police,

I designate the Convent of San
Tanco into a national monument.

Oh, very good, very good.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I will report the new
development to my chief.

With your permission,
Reverend Mother. Thank you, yes.

I know this must all sound absolutely
crazy to you, Reverend Mother,

but I'm sure once I
explain how it happened,

it'll all sound
absolutely crazy.

Somehow, I'm prepared for that.

Well, you see, it all started when these
ashtrays were stolen from Carlos' casino.

Well, the ashtrays
weren't stolen,

they were souvenirs...

Hello, Captain.

The Reverend Mother said
you had some clothes to donate.

Yes, due to the fact that
the city council have voted

to cut the yearly appropriation
for the Police Department,

regretfully, I've had to
cut the police force in half.

(EXCLAIMING) Well, I'm sure Senor
Salazar can find another line of work.

No need to remind you of
the grave situation that it is

to have a one-man police force.

Oh, I know.

And there won't be too many laughs
at the policeman's ball this year.

However,

I want to make it clear to you,

and to the sisters
at the convent,

and Carlos Ramirez
and the whole town,

that I will continue to
fight crime in San Tanco.

And that I will not tolerate
any violations of the law,

no matter how big or how small.

Captain, I...

I hope this building
is over 200 years old.

It would be a shame to
condemn the police station.