The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Convent Gets the Business - full transcript
The convent is willed a dry goods business, which is free and clear of debt. However it is devoid of any sense of order. Unable to run the business themselves, the sisters look for someone to act as manager. Carlos suggests his cousin Luis, if only to get Luis out from working at the casino. Luis has some unique business ideas, which is causing havoc for Carlos at the casino. At the dry goods store, Luis' business ideas cause the store to go into the red after the first week. To keep the sisters from firing Luis which would in turn cause Luis to go back to working at the casino, Carlos pays people to buy things at the store, and the fortunes of the store obviously turn around. However Luis comes up with some more interesting business ideas, including advertising the fact that the store is owned by the charitable sisters, to which their dry goods competitors cry foul. The Reverend Mother sees no other way to undo this unfair advertising than to sell the store. Luis is initially distraught until he figures he can buy the store. To be more precise, he wants Carlos to buy it for him. When Luis approaches Carlos about this proposition, Carlos tells Sister Bertrille in secret the truth about why the store was doing so well. Sister Bertrille is mad at Carlos about how he treated Luis and what this news will do for his own self worth.
(ALL CHATTERING)
REV. MOTHER:
Quiet, Sisters, please.
Now, the reason that I have
called you all together is... Uh...
Where is Sister Bertrille?
Oh, I believe she was
out on the playground.
Uh, she's making a trampoline
out of an old mattress.
(KIDS CHEERING)
There she is.
Oh, I'll call her for
you. Sister Bertrille!
Sister Bert... Oh!
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry I'm late,
Reverend Mother.
I was trying out
my new trampoline.
You know, trampoline?
Doin, doin, doin...
And then I got
caught in an updraft.
Well, a-as I was saying,
the reason that I called
you all together is this.
A most unusual letter that
I've received from a lawyer.
Oh, don't tell me. Someone
died and left us a great fortune.
How did you know?
You're kidding. It's true?
There's our
playground equipment.
We can even get a Jungle John.
No, it's a jungle gym.
Who died, Reverend Mother?
Senor Clotario Diaz.
Um, would it be
out of line to ask
how much Senor
Diaz left the convent?
It says, "You therefore
inherit his entire estate
"which consists of
his place of business,
"with the inventory
of merchandise
"free and clear of debt."
Oh, wow! Someone
gave us the business.
Sorry.
Like I said, someone
gave us the business.
The Lord giveth and
the Lord taketh away.
REV. MOTHER: Well,
it's not Macy's, Sisters,
but it's ours.
Oh, my. Oh, dear. Goodness.
(EXCLAIMING)
REV. MOTHER: There must be
buckets and mops about, Sisters,
and I'm going to
look for some. Hmm.
A customer. A customer.
Hello. May I help you?
What has happened to Senor Diaz?
Every time I've been
here the store is closed.
Oh, well, he passed on.
Oh, that's a shame.
I want to return this nightgown.
My husband doesn't like it.
Oh well, perhaps your husband
would like to see you in some pajamas.
I wear pajamas. The
nightgown was for him.
Could I have my refund, please?
Refund?
How... How much of a refund?
What I paid, naturally. $3.98.
$3.98.
$3.98.
$1.50. .75, 2.75,
three and 91, eight...
Thank you. Ahem.
Here you are. $3.98.
There you are. Thank you.
Come again.
REV. MOTHER:
Here we are, Sisters.
Who was that?
Our first customer.
Senor, you know that
I don't like to complain
but your cousin Luis
is driving me crazy.
Isn't he working out
in the kitchen either?
I had to yank him yesterday.
He told Fernando,
our pastry chef,
that he should be working
i-i-in a doughnut stand.
He almost lost his
head. Fernando?
Luis.
Fernando came at
him with a meat cleaver.
So now I put him behind the bar,
and right away he decides
that peanuts and popcorn
aren't good enough.
He is giving them
hors d'oeuvres.
Well, that's not
such a bad idea.
How much can those little
meatballs and hot dogs cost?
He is serving them
imported Russian caviar.
Luis? LUIS ON
PHONE: Yes, Carlos?
I want to see you in
my office right away.
Russian caviar. Does he
want to put me out of business?
Next he'll want to serve,
probably, pate de foie gras.
How did you guess?
Luis, would you get here!
LUIS: I am right here, Carlos.
Ready to serve you.
Thank you, Ramon.
Nice guy.
Luis, would you mind telling me
what's wrong with serving
peanuts and popcorn?
For peasants, nothing.
But we are of the
Ramirez family.
We have a tradition for elegant
dining that dates back to Felipe II.
Yeah, that's fine for
private entertaining
but I'm running a business.
Then allow me to help
you run it with style.
Caviar puts you in
a class by yourself.
Oh, yeah. The bankrupt class.
Oh, I have disappointed you.
Luis, please don't be hurt.
It's just that I haven't found
the right place
for your talents.
Well, I was happy
in the dining room.
Yeah, but the maitre d' was not.
He said you argued
with the customers.
I didn't argue.
I was just explaining
to that tourist
how to pronounce
"bouillabaisse."
What for? He wanted
Yankee bean soup.
He didn't even
mention bouillabaisse.
That's because he didn't
know how to pronounce it.
Luis, I know I
promised your mother
I would give you a chance here,
but I was thinking maybe
this is not the right place
for a man with your imagination.
Now, Uncle Ignazio has a
big furniture store in San Juan.
So maybe if you went to work...
You don't know.
That is where I was
before I came here.
Oh, besides, I was
told that, with my talent,
this is where I belong.
Who told you that?
Uncle Ignazio.
I should've guessed it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Am I interrupting something?
Sister Bertrille, your
delightful presence
always illuminates
the Casino Carlos.
Well, he certainly knows
how to make a girl feel wanted.
Oh, yes. Luis, you'd
better get back to the bar.
And remember, no more
free caviar with the drinks, huh.
No wonder the bar
looked so crowded today.
How are things going, Sister?
Guess what? The Convent
owns a dry goods store
and the Reverend Mother
thought perhaps you could help us.
Okay. Send me a dozen
shirts, fifteen and a half.
French cuffs, a tab collar.
Well, that's not exactly what I
had in mind, but I'll take the order.
What did you have in mind?
Well, we're not allowed
to operate a business.
And so we have to find
someone to run it for us.
I thought perhaps you'd
help me write an ad.
Well, of course.
Let's see.
"Wanted: Man with
dry goods experience,
"available for full
time employment.
"Intelligent, efficient
and with imagination."
Wait a minute.
What is it?
You don't have to advertise.
I think I have just
the right man for you.
Efficient, intelligent,
with imagination
and completely available.
LUIS: Patience,
lovely ladies, patience.
Here. Here you are.
Your free shopping
bag and your sewing kit.
Sewing kit and a
free shopping bag.
This is for you. There you are.
Your sewing kit and
your shopping bag.
Come back.
Did you see the way
business is booming?
What business? It looks
like you're giving stuff away.
Oh, you don't understand the
psychology of merchandising.
I give them the tools
and they have to come back
here to buy the raw materials.
Hello there.
Hey, I hear you're giving away
free shopping bags and sewing kits.
Yes, that's it.
Here you are. Oh.
And this is the shopping bag.
Oh, thank you. Oh,
they're very nice.
Hey, no green thread.
Oh, there you are. 12 cents.
WOMAN: You're selling it?
That's why we're in business.
Huh, if I wanted to buy
it I could get it wholesale.
Good-bye.
So much for the
psychology of merchandising.
JACQUELINE: We managed
to survive the grand opening
and it was decided to
assign Sister Bertrille
as liaison with the store for
any unusual emergencies.
Okay, Okay, Okay.
Okay, kids, everyone
back to class. Come on.
Recess is over. Come on.
JACQUELINE: As it turned
out, we didn't have to wait long.
Sister Bertrille,
Luis just called.
He needs you at the
store. It's an emergency.
Oh, not again.
Okay, kids, everyone
back to recess! Come on.
Uh, where are the keys to the
station wagon? In the station wagon.
Uh, the Reverend Mother's
using it. You're gonna have to...
Hmm.
Luis, what's the emergency?
Oh, I'm so glad you came.
Hold it here. Good.
Do you know Senor
a Vallejo? Yeah.
Who lives at the beach? Yeah.
She phoned in an
order for a bath mat.
That's an emergency?
No, but she needs it today. So?
Well, I advertised
free delivery.
Luis, you don't
have a delivery man.
I do now.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Sister Sixto, would you
please answer the telephone?
Certainly, Reverend Mother.
Oh, sausage and eggs,
my favorite breakfast.
SIXTO: Convent San Tanco.
Oh, hello, Luis.
Yes, I'll tell her.
Well, hearty
appetites, everyone.
Luis?
LUIS: Uh, Sister
Bertrille, o-over here.
I'm sorry I had to bother you at
breakfast. What are you doing?
Well, the whole
thing got jammed.
Uh, I cannot get out.
Well, here are the scissors. Why
didn't you just cut yourself free?
Oh, no, I couldn't
do that to Carlos.
This is his favorite tie.
Well, sausage and eggs just
happens to be my favorite breakfast.
Good evening,
Reverend Mother, Sister.
Here is the account
for the week. Ah.
I invented a new
bookkeeping system
that makes it easier to
see everything at a glance.
Uh, what are all these colors?
That's my new system.
You see, instead of the same
old black for profit and red for loss,
I thought I should
be more creative.
So for profit I
selected a happy color.
Emerald green.
And for loss something
more unpleasant.
Brown.
Uh, and what is this?
Unusual expenses.
I might've known. Shocking pink.
Well, now, how do we stand?
It's all right there.
You see, the brown color
shows the expenses for the week
and on this column
is our income.
To find our profits we simply
subtract the expenses from the income.
Oh, I see.
But since that is
impossible, we just subtract
the income from the expenses.
Well, it looks like
we're $78 and 43 cents
in the brown.
Yes.
How many people do
you think I should get?
As many as you need
to spend the money.
Figure $20 to a customer.
Anything special
you want them to buy?
No, anything he has to sell.
This week Luis is
going to show a profit,
even if I have to show a loss.
This is a lot of money.
If the sisters fire Luis
he has to come back
here to work for me.
Do you think this is enough?
Considering what we've
been through with Luis,
I don't know how you could've
let Carlos talk you out of it.
Well, Luis is his cousin and
blood is thicker than water.
But it's our blood.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Look.
Thank you very much.
Well, I believe you are next.
Oh, no, he must be
giving things away again.
Uh, I would like
some handkerchiefs.
Handkerchiefs. We have
some very nice plain white ones.
40 cents each.
Good. I'll have $20 worth.
$20 worth.
$20? That's 50 handkerchiefs.
I go to a lot of funerals.
Here you are. $20 even.
Thank you. Call again.
Senora? Well now, let me see.
Well, sheets, pillow cases,
kitchen towels. Okay.
Okay what?
What you said. I'll
take a dozen of each.
A dozen of each.
Can you believe it?
No.
But I'm going to enjoy the
hallucination as long as I can.
This is also yours.
Thank you very much. Call again.
(CASH REGISTER RINGING)
Now, what do you think?
Well, Luis, you've turned
out to be quite a salesman.
Oh, thank you, but
it's a God-given talent.
You're so good I bet you
could sell buttonhooks.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
JACQUELINE: Hello.
Uh... LUIS: Yes?
I'll have six yards of
white linen for shirts
and six large spools
of white thread.
How about a buttonhook?
Okay, I'll take
six of those, too.
Well, this is a
decided improvement.
Yeah, look at all
that emerald green.
The Bank of Ireland
couldn't do any better.
Perhaps now we can forget
about the dry goods business
and get back to
convent business.
PEDROZA: If you don't mind
I'd rather speak to the
Reverend Mother about it myself!
(EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me, Sister.
I was only going to
knock on the door.
Ah, Reverend Mother.
Oh, Reverend Mother,
I am Flavio Pedroza.
And I'm here on business.
What kind of business, Senor?
Uh, your kind of business.
We are competitors.
In God's work there
are no competitors.
Uh, I am talking about
the dry good business.
I have a store on
the Calle Pereira.
Oh, that's a coincidence. We
have one on the Calle Escobar.
You're telling me.
What seems to be
the problem, Senor?
The problem is this,
Reverend Mother.
With all due respect, is it fair
to use unfair business practices
under the cloak of the church?
REV. MOTHER: I beg your pardon?
I must warn you,
Reverend Mother,
if you do not cease and desist,
I, I will have to take the
matter up with the Bishop.
And if that doesn't work, I
will go straight to the top.
The top?
The Better Business Bureau.
I am afraid I do not know what
you are talking about, Senor.
The sign. The sign!
You've seen a
sign? That's right.
And I don't mean
a sign from heaven.
Oh, dear!
REV. MOTHER: I see
what Senor Pedroza means.
Yes, that is kind of
hitting below the belt.
(SIGHING)
Good morning,
Reverend Mother, Sisters.
Well, what do you think?
I think you had better
take it down, Luis.
Why?
Because it is
unfair competition.
LUIS: W-W-What's
so unfair about it?
Every word in that sign is true.
Yes, but Senor Pedroza,
who owns the dry goods
store on the Calle Pereira,
says that you are taking
all of his customers away.
That's the whole idea.
But you don't understand.
We can't use the
influence of the convent
to undermine a
business enterprise.
But if you make me
take that sign down,
you will be undermining
this business enterprise.
I am afraid there is
no alternative, Luis.
Okay, okay, I'll take it down.
But don't blame me if we end up
in the unpleasant brown again.
I have been a friend of the
convent for years, Reverend Mother.
I have a whole drawer full
of raffle tickets to prove it.
Why? Porque?
Why am I being
punished like this?
Senor Pedroza, we took
down the sign. Too late.
Too late, Reverend Mother.
Everybody in town knows
the convent owns the store.
It's been spread
around by word of mouth.
And we have some pretty
big mouths in this town.
Like your manager.
Do you mean that
Luis is still telling people
about our connection
with the store?
Hmm. You be the judge.
Every time he makes a sale
he says, "May the Sisters
of San Tanco bless you."
Well, I will certainly
put a stop to,
to that practice.
But I do not know
what else we can do.
You can put up, you can put
up a sign, Reverend Mother,
saying that the convent has
nothing to do with the store.
Senor Pedroza,
how can we do that?
I will pay for the sign.
Uh, this is a dilemma. Mmm-hmm.
And I,
I know of only
one way to solve it.
Sell the store?
Why?
Well, it was the
Reverend Mother's idea.
Really, we all
feel terrible about it
because you really
got it rolling along.
Who are you selling it to?
I don't know. I
thought we'd advertise.
Hey, save your money.
I have the buyer.
You do? Who? Me.
You?
Luis, do you have the
money to buy this store?
No, but with a cousin like
Carlos, who needs the money?
He has enough to
buy 50 of these stores.
I'm not interested.
But, but it's a good
proposition, Carlos.
You don't have to
take my word for it.
Ask the Sister.
Well, it's all there
in... in black and white.
I mean, brown and green.
What is this, a coloring book?
It's my new bookkeeping system.
Forget it.
Luis, do you mind stepping
outside for a moment?
No, no, no, I don't mind at all.
Carlos, I'm really
surprised at you.
Aren't you the one that said Luis
was so imaginative and efficient
and competent and dynamic?
So I exaggerated a little.
BERTRILLE: But
you didn't exaggerate.
You have no idea
how much merchandise
Luis sold this
week at the store.
I have a much better
idea than you think.
Draperies,
handkerchiefs, shirts,
pillowcases, towels,
six buttonhooks.
Oh, Carlos, you didn't.
Well, I'm sorry. I
wanted Luis to look good.
I didn't want the Reverend
Mother to fire him.
Oh, Carlos, that's terrible.
Well, I didn't mind
spending a few dollars.
No, that's not what's terrible.
It's... It's what
you did to Luis.
What did I do? I
tried to get him a job.
But I have to be out of my
mind to, to buy the store for him.
I'll just have to tell him.
Oh, sure. And tell him
that he's a complete failure
and what a clever trick his
cousin Carlos pulled on him.
And then you all can
have a good laugh.
But I don't need
to tell him that.
No, I'm sorry, Carlos.
I'm sure you know what
to tell him without me.
Uh, Sister.
Luis, Carlos has
something to tell you.
Yes, cousin Carlos?
Luis, it's not easy
for me to say this.
I understand.
When one's heart is
full, one's tongue is thick.
Luis, would you please listen
what I have to say to you?
When two hearts beat as one,
are words necessary, Cousin?
When we were children we
used to play in the country.
I remember one day I
caught a frog that I cherished.
I even called it
Carlos, after you.
He wanted that frog very badly.
Did I hesitate in
giving it to him?
Not for a moment.
You never knew this, but that
night I cried myself to sleep.
I loved that frog.
What am I going on and on?
What did you want to say to me?
I hope you'll be very happy
in the dry goods business.
I knew it.
I never doubted
you for a minute.
Some cousin, huh?
Up!
Down!
Across!
Beautiful!
Ridiculous.
The Reverend
Mother will have a fit.
Sisters,
have any of you
seen Sister Bertrille?
I missed her at
mass this morning.
Well, she's doing a
little advertising for Luis.
Advertising?
I thought that was in your
line, Sister Jacqueline.
Not that kind of advertising.
Oh, dear.
What are we going
to do with Luis?
Well, like they say,
let the seller beware.
The expression is
"Let the buyer beware"
but in this case
you may be right.
Well, I... I'm sorry I... I missed
mass, Reverend Mother,
but I did a little
in-flight praying.
I see.
Well, how do you like it?
JACQUELINE: "Dry goo?"
I ran out of smoke.
REV. MOTHER:
Quiet, Sisters, please.
Now, the reason that I have
called you all together is... Uh...
Where is Sister Bertrille?
Oh, I believe she was
out on the playground.
Uh, she's making a trampoline
out of an old mattress.
(KIDS CHEERING)
There she is.
Oh, I'll call her for
you. Sister Bertrille!
Sister Bert... Oh!
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry I'm late,
Reverend Mother.
I was trying out
my new trampoline.
You know, trampoline?
Doin, doin, doin...
And then I got
caught in an updraft.
Well, a-as I was saying,
the reason that I called
you all together is this.
A most unusual letter that
I've received from a lawyer.
Oh, don't tell me. Someone
died and left us a great fortune.
How did you know?
You're kidding. It's true?
There's our
playground equipment.
We can even get a Jungle John.
No, it's a jungle gym.
Who died, Reverend Mother?
Senor Clotario Diaz.
Um, would it be
out of line to ask
how much Senor
Diaz left the convent?
It says, "You therefore
inherit his entire estate
"which consists of
his place of business,
"with the inventory
of merchandise
"free and clear of debt."
Oh, wow! Someone
gave us the business.
Sorry.
Like I said, someone
gave us the business.
The Lord giveth and
the Lord taketh away.
REV. MOTHER: Well,
it's not Macy's, Sisters,
but it's ours.
Oh, my. Oh, dear. Goodness.
(EXCLAIMING)
REV. MOTHER: There must be
buckets and mops about, Sisters,
and I'm going to
look for some. Hmm.
A customer. A customer.
Hello. May I help you?
What has happened to Senor Diaz?
Every time I've been
here the store is closed.
Oh, well, he passed on.
Oh, that's a shame.
I want to return this nightgown.
My husband doesn't like it.
Oh well, perhaps your husband
would like to see you in some pajamas.
I wear pajamas. The
nightgown was for him.
Could I have my refund, please?
Refund?
How... How much of a refund?
What I paid, naturally. $3.98.
$3.98.
$3.98.
$1.50. .75, 2.75,
three and 91, eight...
Thank you. Ahem.
Here you are. $3.98.
There you are. Thank you.
Come again.
REV. MOTHER:
Here we are, Sisters.
Who was that?
Our first customer.
Senor, you know that
I don't like to complain
but your cousin Luis
is driving me crazy.
Isn't he working out
in the kitchen either?
I had to yank him yesterday.
He told Fernando,
our pastry chef,
that he should be working
i-i-in a doughnut stand.
He almost lost his
head. Fernando?
Luis.
Fernando came at
him with a meat cleaver.
So now I put him behind the bar,
and right away he decides
that peanuts and popcorn
aren't good enough.
He is giving them
hors d'oeuvres.
Well, that's not
such a bad idea.
How much can those little
meatballs and hot dogs cost?
He is serving them
imported Russian caviar.
Luis? LUIS ON
PHONE: Yes, Carlos?
I want to see you in
my office right away.
Russian caviar. Does he
want to put me out of business?
Next he'll want to serve,
probably, pate de foie gras.
How did you guess?
Luis, would you get here!
LUIS: I am right here, Carlos.
Ready to serve you.
Thank you, Ramon.
Nice guy.
Luis, would you mind telling me
what's wrong with serving
peanuts and popcorn?
For peasants, nothing.
But we are of the
Ramirez family.
We have a tradition for elegant
dining that dates back to Felipe II.
Yeah, that's fine for
private entertaining
but I'm running a business.
Then allow me to help
you run it with style.
Caviar puts you in
a class by yourself.
Oh, yeah. The bankrupt class.
Oh, I have disappointed you.
Luis, please don't be hurt.
It's just that I haven't found
the right place
for your talents.
Well, I was happy
in the dining room.
Yeah, but the maitre d' was not.
He said you argued
with the customers.
I didn't argue.
I was just explaining
to that tourist
how to pronounce
"bouillabaisse."
What for? He wanted
Yankee bean soup.
He didn't even
mention bouillabaisse.
That's because he didn't
know how to pronounce it.
Luis, I know I
promised your mother
I would give you a chance here,
but I was thinking maybe
this is not the right place
for a man with your imagination.
Now, Uncle Ignazio has a
big furniture store in San Juan.
So maybe if you went to work...
You don't know.
That is where I was
before I came here.
Oh, besides, I was
told that, with my talent,
this is where I belong.
Who told you that?
Uncle Ignazio.
I should've guessed it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Am I interrupting something?
Sister Bertrille, your
delightful presence
always illuminates
the Casino Carlos.
Well, he certainly knows
how to make a girl feel wanted.
Oh, yes. Luis, you'd
better get back to the bar.
And remember, no more
free caviar with the drinks, huh.
No wonder the bar
looked so crowded today.
How are things going, Sister?
Guess what? The Convent
owns a dry goods store
and the Reverend Mother
thought perhaps you could help us.
Okay. Send me a dozen
shirts, fifteen and a half.
French cuffs, a tab collar.
Well, that's not exactly what I
had in mind, but I'll take the order.
What did you have in mind?
Well, we're not allowed
to operate a business.
And so we have to find
someone to run it for us.
I thought perhaps you'd
help me write an ad.
Well, of course.
Let's see.
"Wanted: Man with
dry goods experience,
"available for full
time employment.
"Intelligent, efficient
and with imagination."
Wait a minute.
What is it?
You don't have to advertise.
I think I have just
the right man for you.
Efficient, intelligent,
with imagination
and completely available.
LUIS: Patience,
lovely ladies, patience.
Here. Here you are.
Your free shopping
bag and your sewing kit.
Sewing kit and a
free shopping bag.
This is for you. There you are.
Your sewing kit and
your shopping bag.
Come back.
Did you see the way
business is booming?
What business? It looks
like you're giving stuff away.
Oh, you don't understand the
psychology of merchandising.
I give them the tools
and they have to come back
here to buy the raw materials.
Hello there.
Hey, I hear you're giving away
free shopping bags and sewing kits.
Yes, that's it.
Here you are. Oh.
And this is the shopping bag.
Oh, thank you. Oh,
they're very nice.
Hey, no green thread.
Oh, there you are. 12 cents.
WOMAN: You're selling it?
That's why we're in business.
Huh, if I wanted to buy
it I could get it wholesale.
Good-bye.
So much for the
psychology of merchandising.
JACQUELINE: We managed
to survive the grand opening
and it was decided to
assign Sister Bertrille
as liaison with the store for
any unusual emergencies.
Okay, Okay, Okay.
Okay, kids, everyone
back to class. Come on.
Recess is over. Come on.
JACQUELINE: As it turned
out, we didn't have to wait long.
Sister Bertrille,
Luis just called.
He needs you at the
store. It's an emergency.
Oh, not again.
Okay, kids, everyone
back to recess! Come on.
Uh, where are the keys to the
station wagon? In the station wagon.
Uh, the Reverend Mother's
using it. You're gonna have to...
Hmm.
Luis, what's the emergency?
Oh, I'm so glad you came.
Hold it here. Good.
Do you know Senor
a Vallejo? Yeah.
Who lives at the beach? Yeah.
She phoned in an
order for a bath mat.
That's an emergency?
No, but she needs it today. So?
Well, I advertised
free delivery.
Luis, you don't
have a delivery man.
I do now.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Sister Sixto, would you
please answer the telephone?
Certainly, Reverend Mother.
Oh, sausage and eggs,
my favorite breakfast.
SIXTO: Convent San Tanco.
Oh, hello, Luis.
Yes, I'll tell her.
Well, hearty
appetites, everyone.
Luis?
LUIS: Uh, Sister
Bertrille, o-over here.
I'm sorry I had to bother you at
breakfast. What are you doing?
Well, the whole
thing got jammed.
Uh, I cannot get out.
Well, here are the scissors. Why
didn't you just cut yourself free?
Oh, no, I couldn't
do that to Carlos.
This is his favorite tie.
Well, sausage and eggs just
happens to be my favorite breakfast.
Good evening,
Reverend Mother, Sister.
Here is the account
for the week. Ah.
I invented a new
bookkeeping system
that makes it easier to
see everything at a glance.
Uh, what are all these colors?
That's my new system.
You see, instead of the same
old black for profit and red for loss,
I thought I should
be more creative.
So for profit I
selected a happy color.
Emerald green.
And for loss something
more unpleasant.
Brown.
Uh, and what is this?
Unusual expenses.
I might've known. Shocking pink.
Well, now, how do we stand?
It's all right there.
You see, the brown color
shows the expenses for the week
and on this column
is our income.
To find our profits we simply
subtract the expenses from the income.
Oh, I see.
But since that is
impossible, we just subtract
the income from the expenses.
Well, it looks like
we're $78 and 43 cents
in the brown.
Yes.
How many people do
you think I should get?
As many as you need
to spend the money.
Figure $20 to a customer.
Anything special
you want them to buy?
No, anything he has to sell.
This week Luis is
going to show a profit,
even if I have to show a loss.
This is a lot of money.
If the sisters fire Luis
he has to come back
here to work for me.
Do you think this is enough?
Considering what we've
been through with Luis,
I don't know how you could've
let Carlos talk you out of it.
Well, Luis is his cousin and
blood is thicker than water.
But it's our blood.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Look.
Thank you very much.
Well, I believe you are next.
Oh, no, he must be
giving things away again.
Uh, I would like
some handkerchiefs.
Handkerchiefs. We have
some very nice plain white ones.
40 cents each.
Good. I'll have $20 worth.
$20 worth.
$20? That's 50 handkerchiefs.
I go to a lot of funerals.
Here you are. $20 even.
Thank you. Call again.
Senora? Well now, let me see.
Well, sheets, pillow cases,
kitchen towels. Okay.
Okay what?
What you said. I'll
take a dozen of each.
A dozen of each.
Can you believe it?
No.
But I'm going to enjoy the
hallucination as long as I can.
This is also yours.
Thank you very much. Call again.
(CASH REGISTER RINGING)
Now, what do you think?
Well, Luis, you've turned
out to be quite a salesman.
Oh, thank you, but
it's a God-given talent.
You're so good I bet you
could sell buttonhooks.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
JACQUELINE: Hello.
Uh... LUIS: Yes?
I'll have six yards of
white linen for shirts
and six large spools
of white thread.
How about a buttonhook?
Okay, I'll take
six of those, too.
Well, this is a
decided improvement.
Yeah, look at all
that emerald green.
The Bank of Ireland
couldn't do any better.
Perhaps now we can forget
about the dry goods business
and get back to
convent business.
PEDROZA: If you don't mind
I'd rather speak to the
Reverend Mother about it myself!
(EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me, Sister.
I was only going to
knock on the door.
Ah, Reverend Mother.
Oh, Reverend Mother,
I am Flavio Pedroza.
And I'm here on business.
What kind of business, Senor?
Uh, your kind of business.
We are competitors.
In God's work there
are no competitors.
Uh, I am talking about
the dry good business.
I have a store on
the Calle Pereira.
Oh, that's a coincidence. We
have one on the Calle Escobar.
You're telling me.
What seems to be
the problem, Senor?
The problem is this,
Reverend Mother.
With all due respect, is it fair
to use unfair business practices
under the cloak of the church?
REV. MOTHER: I beg your pardon?
I must warn you,
Reverend Mother,
if you do not cease and desist,
I, I will have to take the
matter up with the Bishop.
And if that doesn't work, I
will go straight to the top.
The top?
The Better Business Bureau.
I am afraid I do not know what
you are talking about, Senor.
The sign. The sign!
You've seen a
sign? That's right.
And I don't mean
a sign from heaven.
Oh, dear!
REV. MOTHER: I see
what Senor Pedroza means.
Yes, that is kind of
hitting below the belt.
(SIGHING)
Good morning,
Reverend Mother, Sisters.
Well, what do you think?
I think you had better
take it down, Luis.
Why?
Because it is
unfair competition.
LUIS: W-W-What's
so unfair about it?
Every word in that sign is true.
Yes, but Senor Pedroza,
who owns the dry goods
store on the Calle Pereira,
says that you are taking
all of his customers away.
That's the whole idea.
But you don't understand.
We can't use the
influence of the convent
to undermine a
business enterprise.
But if you make me
take that sign down,
you will be undermining
this business enterprise.
I am afraid there is
no alternative, Luis.
Okay, okay, I'll take it down.
But don't blame me if we end up
in the unpleasant brown again.
I have been a friend of the
convent for years, Reverend Mother.
I have a whole drawer full
of raffle tickets to prove it.
Why? Porque?
Why am I being
punished like this?
Senor Pedroza, we took
down the sign. Too late.
Too late, Reverend Mother.
Everybody in town knows
the convent owns the store.
It's been spread
around by word of mouth.
And we have some pretty
big mouths in this town.
Like your manager.
Do you mean that
Luis is still telling people
about our connection
with the store?
Hmm. You be the judge.
Every time he makes a sale
he says, "May the Sisters
of San Tanco bless you."
Well, I will certainly
put a stop to,
to that practice.
But I do not know
what else we can do.
You can put up, you can put
up a sign, Reverend Mother,
saying that the convent has
nothing to do with the store.
Senor Pedroza,
how can we do that?
I will pay for the sign.
Uh, this is a dilemma. Mmm-hmm.
And I,
I know of only
one way to solve it.
Sell the store?
Why?
Well, it was the
Reverend Mother's idea.
Really, we all
feel terrible about it
because you really
got it rolling along.
Who are you selling it to?
I don't know. I
thought we'd advertise.
Hey, save your money.
I have the buyer.
You do? Who? Me.
You?
Luis, do you have the
money to buy this store?
No, but with a cousin like
Carlos, who needs the money?
He has enough to
buy 50 of these stores.
I'm not interested.
But, but it's a good
proposition, Carlos.
You don't have to
take my word for it.
Ask the Sister.
Well, it's all there
in... in black and white.
I mean, brown and green.
What is this, a coloring book?
It's my new bookkeeping system.
Forget it.
Luis, do you mind stepping
outside for a moment?
No, no, no, I don't mind at all.
Carlos, I'm really
surprised at you.
Aren't you the one that said Luis
was so imaginative and efficient
and competent and dynamic?
So I exaggerated a little.
BERTRILLE: But
you didn't exaggerate.
You have no idea
how much merchandise
Luis sold this
week at the store.
I have a much better
idea than you think.
Draperies,
handkerchiefs, shirts,
pillowcases, towels,
six buttonhooks.
Oh, Carlos, you didn't.
Well, I'm sorry. I
wanted Luis to look good.
I didn't want the Reverend
Mother to fire him.
Oh, Carlos, that's terrible.
Well, I didn't mind
spending a few dollars.
No, that's not what's terrible.
It's... It's what
you did to Luis.
What did I do? I
tried to get him a job.
But I have to be out of my
mind to, to buy the store for him.
I'll just have to tell him.
Oh, sure. And tell him
that he's a complete failure
and what a clever trick his
cousin Carlos pulled on him.
And then you all can
have a good laugh.
But I don't need
to tell him that.
No, I'm sorry, Carlos.
I'm sure you know what
to tell him without me.
Uh, Sister.
Luis, Carlos has
something to tell you.
Yes, cousin Carlos?
Luis, it's not easy
for me to say this.
I understand.
When one's heart is
full, one's tongue is thick.
Luis, would you please listen
what I have to say to you?
When two hearts beat as one,
are words necessary, Cousin?
When we were children we
used to play in the country.
I remember one day I
caught a frog that I cherished.
I even called it
Carlos, after you.
He wanted that frog very badly.
Did I hesitate in
giving it to him?
Not for a moment.
You never knew this, but that
night I cried myself to sleep.
I loved that frog.
What am I going on and on?
What did you want to say to me?
I hope you'll be very happy
in the dry goods business.
I knew it.
I never doubted
you for a minute.
Some cousin, huh?
Up!
Down!
Across!
Beautiful!
Ridiculous.
The Reverend
Mother will have a fit.
Sisters,
have any of you
seen Sister Bertrille?
I missed her at
mass this morning.
Well, she's doing a
little advertising for Luis.
Advertising?
I thought that was in your
line, Sister Jacqueline.
Not that kind of advertising.
Oh, dear.
What are we going
to do with Luis?
Well, like they say,
let the seller beware.
The expression is
"Let the buyer beware"
but in this case
you may be right.
Well, I... I'm sorry I... I missed
mass, Reverend Mother,
but I did a little
in-flight praying.
I see.
Well, how do you like it?
JACQUELINE: "Dry goo?"
I ran out of smoke.