The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 25 - Cousins by the Dozen - full transcript

On a day that Carlos has promised some of the convent children a boat ride, he reneges to go to Culebra for a date with Elena. He however tells the children and Sister Bertrille that he is ...

(BARKING)

CARLOS: I am Carlos Ramirez,

and I wish to say that although
there is a small generation gap

between Sister Bertrille and me,

I am broadminded enough to believe
that a person should do her thing.

Her talent for being at the
right place at the wrong time

was close to genius.

There was, for example,
that time in the country.

Or that time at the cabin.

One set of
footprints. He's alone.

BERTRILLE: Excuse me.



You should have seen her, Ramon.

You will not believe that
in a little island like Culebra,

you can find a girl like that.

Beautiful, huh? Oh,
just a pleasure to look at.

Unfortunately, that was
about the only pleasure I had.

When I tried to kiss her
she almost broke my jaw.

That is how it goes.

You win a few, you lose a few.

Well, I haven't lost this
one yet. You wait and see.

Before noon today, she'll
realize what she gave up,

and she will come crawling back.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Oh, a... a collect call from
Culebra. Yeah, I take it.



Two hours early.

How are you, my baby?

Uncle Antonio.

That's right, Carlos.
How are you, my boy?

What is it this time?
As if I didn't know.

Carlos, I was wondering, um,

w-would it be possible for
you to send us a little check?

(TALKING ANGRILY IN SPANISH)

What did he say?

He is thinking it over.

ANTONIO: (STAMMERING)
Carlos, I don't like to ask,

but at the moment we
seem to be very tight.

Things have been tight
with you for the past 18 years.

But not as tight as they
are going to get from now on.

Now, Uncle Antonio, if you
know what's good for you,

you'd better get a job.

A job? At my age?

It's never too late.

As a matter of fact, I
just happen to know

that the Culebra Construction
Company is hiring.

Now don't call me
anymore for money

because from now on that's out.

Uh, do you hear me? Out!

Sister Bertrille,
where are you going?

You just told me to get out.

Not you. I was talking to
my Uncle Antonio in Culebra.

Oh. You talk to
your uncle like that?

Well, that's the only
way to make him listen.

The poor man is so proud

that I have to yell my head
off before he lets me help him.

Oh, and did you get to help him?

Yeah. I... I just got him a job
with a construction company.

Oh! Carlos, I can see there are
sides of you I've never known before.

If we can't help each
other, what else is there?

Well, here we are.

Yeah, you certainly are.

Have you forgotten? Forgotten?

(CLEARING THROAT)
No, of course not.

You are here for the...

(CARLOS STAMMERING)

For the hood ride.

The hood ride?
For the boat ride!

Boat ride? On your
yacht, don't you remember?

What makes you think I
forgot? Of course I remember.

Uh, children, we are all
going for a ride on my boat.

Come on. Let's go.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello. Just a moment.

It's for you, from Culebra.

Again? Tell him that I'm
out. Come on, let's go.

Uh, Senor Ramirez, I think
you'd better take this one.

It sounds like an emergency.

(SIGHS)

Hello.

What is it now?

Carlos. You are still angry
with me for last night, hmm?

Oh... oh, no. How
could I have been angry

with somebody that
means so much to me?

Well, if you, uh,
still want to see me...

Uh, uh, yes, of
course. Of course.

Oh, you mean today?

Mmm-hmm. As soon
as you can come.

How about tomorrow? Tomorrow
I may not feel like a boat ride.

I'll be there in one hour.

I'll be waiting for you at, uh,
Jose's Cafe opposite the dock.

Oh, okay. Bye-bye, baby.

Uh, Sister, I am terribly sorry,

but I have to go
to Culebra at once.

Oh, well, that's okay. The
children don't care where they go,

just as long as it's on a boat.

No, no, you don't
understand. Um...

I might have to
stay there overnight.

Uh, it's something very serious.

Your family? Yes, my family.

Well, they are so poor, and
they need my help so badly.

Well, I thought you
just got your uncle a job.

I did, but he... he's
not happy with it.

You know, my uncle is very
fussy when it comes to work.

So I have to do
something for him.

I don't know what, but
I have to do something.

Well, why don't
you bring him here?

My family? To... to San Tanco?

Yeah. They could live in that
empty house you own on Moreno Hill.

At least they wouldn't
have to pay rent.

That's a great idea.

Now, that's exactly what
I'm going to insist they do.

Oh! Now, you will have to go.

(VIOLETTA CRYING)
CARLOS: Come on. Okay. Okay.

What about the boat ride?

Well... No, I... I'm sorry.

We'll have to go on a
boat ride some other time.

Carlos is busy today.

No boat ride?

(SOBBING) Here. Don't cry, here.

Oh, Carlos... Buy
some toys. There.

Oh!

Sister Bertrille is going to
buy you very nice toys, huh?

Carlos, now... Oh, that is...

Oh, come on, don't
cry, little one. Here.

I want you to buy the biggest
doll in all of San Tanco.

Oh, Carlos, really, that...
that's not necessary.

(WAILING)

That one drives a hard bargain.

Come on, Carlos said he'd take
us on a boat ride some other time.

I don't care about
the boat ride.

Well, then why are you crying?

I don't feel good.

My neck hurts.

Aw.

Well? Mumps.

Mumps?

The doctor is certain of it. He's
checking the other children now.

Oh, poor little Violetta.

(STAMMERING) Sister
Bertrille, please, don't touch her.

She is contagious.

Oh, well, that's all right. I
already had the mumps,

I think.

The doctor will stick you
with a big needle if you didn't.

I had them.

You're certain of that now?

Uh, yes, the needle
brought it all back to me.

It was the summer
we went to Indian Point.

I see.

Well, now, uh, who else has
come in close contact with Violetta?

Well, the... the two boys,
and Carlos hugged her.

Oh, then you must call Carlos
and... and tell him to get a shot.

Well, I can't. He's in his
yacht on his way to Culebra.

Oh, dear.

We must try to warn him.

If... if... if he
doesn't get a shot,

then he might start an epidemic.

Isn't there some
way to warn him?

Well, I just know one way.

Hello. I am looking
for the Ramirez family.

Oh, they are all over the island,
Sister. It's a very big family.

Well, I'm looking for
Antonio Ramirez. Oh.

That makes it easier.

There are only three
Antonio Ramirezes.

Oh... oh, well, the... the one
I'm looking for just got a job.

A job? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

(LAUGHING) A job job? A job.

That brings it
down even further.

To how many? None.

Oh, Constancia.

Constancia,

you wouldn't believe how
heavy those cement bags are.

And how far they
have to be carried.

Oh, Antonio, it sounds terrible.

Ay, si. And tomorrow it will
be worse when I start to work.

It'll probably kill me.

And it's all Carlos' fault.

If he expected me to get a job,

why did he have to
support me all this time?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Constancia,
please. Ay, all right.

(ANTONIO GRUNTS)

Excuse me. I'm looking
for Carlos Ramirez.

Won't you sit down,
please. Come in.

Oh, thank you. Sit down, please.

Carlos? Why would you
expect to find him here?

Well, he said he was
coming here. Carlos?

Carlos Ramirez?

Carlos Ramirez who
owns a gambling casino,

but makes his uncle
work himself to the bone?

You're wrong about
that. What do you mean?

Well, the reason
he's coming here

is because he knows you're unhappy
with your job and he wants to help you.

Carlos?

Carlos Ramirez?

Carlos Ramirez who at
one time... Enough, Antonio.

He is the same Carlos Ramirez.

CONSTANCIA: How does
he want to help us, Sister?

Well, I think he'd
better tell you that.

Why can't you tell us?
Well, I... I guess it's all right.

He wants you and your whole
family to move to San Tanco

and live in the house
he owns on Moreno Hill.

Oh, this Carlos.

What have I always
said to you about him?

It's better I don't repeat it.

When did you say
he is coming, Sister?

Well, he should have
been here by now.

I can't imagine
what's keeping him.

I... I hope nothing's
happened to him.

I've got something
very important to tell him.

He is in trouble? Oh, no.

But you see he's been
exposed to the mumps.

Maybe I ought to go back to
the docks and look for him there.

Maybe you'd better. Si.

Antonio, go with her. No, I
can't. I have someplace to go.

Where? To the
construction company.

Why? To tell them I quit.

Was there a lady here
looking for me? I don't know.

Who are you? ELENA: Carlos.

That's me.

Oh, Carlos. Where have you been?

I've been looking all over for
you. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

But I... I had engine trouble. And I
had to go to Punta Leona to get it fixed.

(MOANING) You mean,
we can't go on the yacht?

Of course we can. I
told you I got it fixed.

Come on, let's go.

What is it, Carlos?

(STAMMERING)
Well, I just realized,

we'd better not take a
chance with the engine.

Let's do something else.

How about going to your
place? (EXCLAIMING) My place?

(CARLOS SHUSHING)

Get into the cab.

Lopez Street.

Carlos!

Carlos!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING)

Come on. Get going.
Get us out of here.

You want to drive, Senor?

(KNOCKING ON CAR DOOR)

Excuse me.

(LAUGHING)

You didn't catch him?

No. I must have been
chasing the wrong cab.

Maybe you can find
him on Lopez Street.

Lopez Street?
Where the lady lives.

That's what he told the driver.

What lady? He
came to see his uncle.

(CHUCKLES) She didn't
look like an uncle to me.

She didn't even
look like an aunt.

Can you tell me what
number on Lopez Street?

How should I know? I don't
butt into other people's business.

Carlos, if this Sister came
all the way from San Tanco,

shouldn't you at least see her?

Oh, I can see her
anytime I want to.

Not to mention
anytime I don't want.

I don't think
it's... Oh, oh, oh.

Let's not spoil
this beautiful day

talking about Sister
Bertrille, hmm?

Oh, no!

It's her.

How did she ever find you?

She's got connections.

Carlos?

Oh, excuse me.

You are looking for
someone, Sister?

Oh, yes. I... I was
looking for a friend of mine.

I... I guess he's not here.

I've just about worn
myself out looking for him.

Sit down, Sister, and rest.

I've looked just
everywhere for him.

No man is worth
all that trouble.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

But Carlos is really very
nice. I'm sure you'd like him.

Most women do,

and he likes most women,
if you know what I mean.

I think I do.

Sister, your friend, um,
does he know many women?

Well, sometimes I
think he knows them all.

He's what you
call a playboy type,

you know, love
'em and leave 'em.

Yes, I know.

But actually, he's very nice.

He's probably one of the kindest

and most warm-hearted
men I know.

The reason he came to Culebra
was to take care of his poor relatives.

Really?

Oh, you should have seen
the look on his uncle's face

when he heard that Carlos was gonna
take his whole family to live in San Tanco.

What?

BERTRILLE: Carlos,
what are you doing here?

If you're looking for Mr. Love
'Em and Leave 'Em, Sister.

I don't know who's going to
love him, but guess who's leaving.

CARLOS: Elena. Elena, wait.

E-Elena, wait for me.

Wait... wait for me. Carlos!

(SIGHING WITH FRUSTRATION)

You're supposed to
be with your family.

Well, this girl is... is
practically family to me.

You mean she was the
emergency in Culebra? Yes.

And all that stuff
about your family,

you made that up, isn't it true?

Well, but what is truth? Oh,
Carlos, I'm ashamed of you.

Well, if you didn't check
up on everything I said,

you wouldn't have to be ashamed
of me. I wasn't checking up on you.

I came to warn you you've
been exposed to the mumps.

Thank you. I already
had the mumps.

Good. Then I can go.

No, no. Wait.

How did my uncle
get this crazy idea

that I am taking the
whole family to San Tanco?

I told him.

You didn't.

Oh, that's terrible.

What's worse is
he's quitting his job.

A job? My uncle had
a job and he's quitting?

The only job he's had in his
whole life and he is quitting. Why?

Why? To go to San Tanco.

How could you mislead
this poor man this way?

Well, I just told him
what you told me.

Sister, by this time you
should know me well enough

not to believe
everything I tell you.

(RAMIREZ FAMILY CHATTERING)

It's going to be very hard
to break the news to them.

Why don't I write them a letter?

Carlos.

Okay. I tell them right now.

But I want you to know
that I feel terrible about it.

In that case, why don't you
take them to San Tanco?

Because I don't
feel that terrible.

Carlos, my favorite
nephew. Come in. Sister.

(ANTONIO LAUGHING)

ANTONIO: Everybody,
look who is here.

Carlos, oh, my pet.
Come in. Come in.

You, too, Sister.

This is your rich cousin
Carlos from San Tanco.

What is going on here? We're
just having a little celebration.

Come, I want you to meet the
kids, eh? Come on over here.

Say hello to Cousin Carlos.
Say hello. Oh, never mind.

They're just a
little bit bashful,

but once we move to San Tanco
and they get to know you a little better,

they'll be very friendly.

Wait a minute. I... I... I
want to tell you something.

Carlos, you don't
have to tell us anything.

We know what it's all about,
and this is why the celebration.

No, no, there is a mistake.
Now listen to me, everyone.

Yes, my pet, what is it?

All right, everybody, we
drink a toast to Cousin Carlos.

All right, Miguel,
put on the music,

and, everybody, we
will eat and we will drink.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Carlos.

Well, Sister, it's no use.
You have to tell them.

Me? Shh!

Of course. You saw me trying.

Every time I open my mouth,
my uncle pours wine into it. Shh!

Well, what would I tell them?

Tell them the truth. Tell
them that you made a mistake.

Are you kidding? Shh!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, folks,
uh... Uh... Uh...

The Sister wants to... She
wants to tell you something.

(MUSIC STOPS) Now... Now,
you... you must listen to me.

All of you, I have something
very important to tell you.

It's about Carlos.

A toast for Carlos.
No, no, no, no.

No more toasts.

Y-You see, there's
been a mistake.

Mistake? What do you mean?

Well, uh, sometimes someone says
something that they don't really mean.

Like, uh, making a promise a-and
then deciding to change your mind.

Sister, you can't
mean our Carlos.

Well, I'm... I'm afraid so.

Impossible. My favorite nephew
would never go back on his word.

He... he didn't give his word.

I mean, he... he... he gave his
word but it was the wrong word.

With all due respect, Sister,

you have no right to talk
about our Carlos like that.

Sister, I know him
better than you.

When he's a baby and his
mother is sick with the fever,

it is I who take care of him.

You think he could forget
such a thing? No, I... I wouldn't.

And when he break
his nice new bicycle,

who does he bring it to to fix?

(STAMMERING) You.

Who do you think gave
him the party for his baptism?

Do you think he forget things
like that? (STAMMERING) No.

Sister, that's right.

Do you think a Ramirez
can forget these things?

I want you all to know that when
Carlos gives his word, he keeps it.

You are all coming
to San Tanco with me.

(ALL CHATTERING)
Let's have some more wine.

(INAUDIBLE)

CARLOS: So, kids, we come
to the end of our boat ride.

(BOY WHISTLING)

That was great, Carlos.

I'm sorry it had to be a movie,

but what else can I
do on a rainy day?

(RAIN FALLING)

Well, now you have to excuse me,

but I have a very important
business appointment.

Oh, sure. Come on, kids.

Come on, we don't want
to keep Uncle Carlos.

BERTRILLE: Come on. Come on.

I've been meaning to ask you,

how's your family doing at the
house on Moreno Hill? Fine. Fine.

(DOORBELL RINGS) That must
be your business appointment.

Yeah.

(DOOR OPENING)

Uncle Antonio, Aunt... Aunt
Constancia, what are you doing here?

Carlos, we can no
longer stay in that house.

But why? We're getting drowned.

The roof leaks.

Well, I'll have it fixed.
No, no, no, no, no.

You've gone to too much expense
as it is. No, no, no. We will move.

Back to Culebra? Ay.

Carlitos, no.

That would be
ungrateful of us. No.

No.

I have sent for Cousin
Arturo, the carpenter.

He will fix up the roof.

In the meantime,
we will move in here.

Okay, kids, everybody
in. Come on. Come on.

(BABY CRYING)

I guess sometimes it's not easy
to be the nicest person I know.

Good luck.