The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 1, Episode 3 - Old Cars for New - full transcript
Even mechanically inclined Sister Bertrille can't fix their jalopy of a station wagon, which they need to transport the children to the Feast of St. Anthony Carnival that day. The sisters talk the Reverend Mother into letting them trade in the jalopy and buy another used car with the $800 they have on hand. Sister Bertrille turns to Money Back Hernando, the most notorious used car dealer in San Juan. They strike a deal for a station wagon for $800, plus the trade-in. The new car ends up being a lemon. But luckily, it breaks down next to where Carlos is picnicking with his latest conquest, Diane. He manages to fix it to the best of his ability, but he suggests the sister take the car back to Hernando and get her money back. Money Back is not true to his name, and they negotiate $500 for the buy-back, but she has to come back later for the money. Vehicleless, Sister Bertrille talks Carlos into letting her use his station wagon to drive the children to the carnival. So Sister Bertrille drops Carlos' station wagon off at the convent, and tells the kids to tell the other sisters that she'll be back shortly and will explain the situation, while she heads back into town to pick up the $500. The sisters see the beautiful station wagon and assume it's the one Sister Bertrille bought with the $800. However just as the kids go off, the water heater in the convent falls apart, and they're going to need the $800 back. So Sister Jacqueline takes Carlos' car back to Money Back and sells it to him for $800. Money Back, never one to pass up a good deal however shady, agrees despite not knowing anything about Sister Jacqueline's story but indeed knowing that the car is well worth more than $800. He turns around and lists it for $1,500. So Sister Bertrille needs to go to Carlos to ask for a loan of $1,000, which added to her $500 will allow her to buy his car back. She is reluctant to tell him what she needs the money for, and he explodes when he finds out the reason. However, he comes up with a plan. Sister Bertrille is to go back and buy the old jalopy from Money Back, which she does for $15. Then Carlos goes to Money Back asking to buy the jalopy, implying that a wealthy investor is in town looking for old vehicles such as that and paying a fortune for such. So Carlos and Money Back go to the convent to bid on the jalopy. Money Back eventually buys it back for $3,000, at which time Carlos infers that the investor, while real, is not in town nor might he ever be. Money Back realizes that he has been had at his own game.
[barking]
(Jacqueline) THIS IS THE CONVENT
SAN TANCO IN SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO.
UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO, WE WERE
MUCH LIKE ANY OTHER TEACHING ORDER.
THAT WAS WHEN SISTER
BERTRILLE CAME TO JOIN US.
THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN
QUITE THE SAME SINCE.
YOU SEE, SISTER BERTRILLE FLIES.
OH, NOT IN AN AIRPLANE.
SHE ONLY WEIGHS 90 POUNDS
AND WHEN THE WIND IS RIGHT,
SHE JUST... FLIES.
HER TALENTS ARE NOT
LIMITED TO AEROBATICS.
SHE ALSO HAS A
GIFT FOR MECHANICS,
A BLESSING AS FAR AS OUR
STATION WAGON IS CONCERNED.
ON THE DAY WE HAD PROMISED
TO TAKE THE CHILDREN
TO THE FEAST OF SAINT
ANTHONY CARNIVAL,
SISTER BERTRILLE FOUND
HERSELF, ONCE AGAIN,
TRYING TO COAX IT INTO ACTION.
OK, TRY HER AGAIN.
[engine sputtering]
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE TIGHTENED
EVERYTHING THAT WAS TOO LOOSE,
AND LOOSENED EVERYTHING
THAT WAS TOO TIGHT.
SISTER, THE CAR, SHE
CRANK OUT AGAIN, NO?
THE CAR, SHE CONK
OUT AGAIN, YES.
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS,
WE'LL GET IT STARTED.
I REPEAT, SISTER.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WE GET OURSELVES A NEW STATION
WAGON, THAT'S WHAT WE DO NOW.
SISTERS, UH, THE CONVENT HAS NO
MONEY FOR SUCH AN EXTRAVAGANCE
AS... AS A NEW CAR.
BUT, REVEREND
MOTHER, BELIEVE ME,
THIS IS ONE EXTRAVAGANCE
THAT'S A... A NECESSITY.
THAT OLD CAR, SHE'S
A REAL CLUNKER.
CLINKER, SISTER.
THIS MORNING, IT
WILL NOT START AT ALL.
WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE
THE CHILDREN TO THE CARNIVAL.
THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS HOLIDAY
FOR WEEKS. HOW CAN
WE DISAPPOINT THEM?
AND WE DON'T HAVE
TO BUY A NEW CAR.
NO, WE CAN TAKE OUR
OLD STATION WAGON
AND TRADE IT IN ON A GOOD
USED CAR, FOR VERY LITTLE MONEY.
SISTERS, WE... WE
HAVE ONLY ABOUT
$800 PUT BY.
WELL, WHY NOT LOOK
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE?
I MEAN, THERE HASN'T BEEN
AN EMERGENCY AROUND HERE
FOR AS LONG AS
ANYONE CAN REMEMBER.
AND EVEN BEFORE THAT.
SO WHY SHOULD THERE EVER BE?
(Jacqueline) AND THAT, AFTER A
FASHION, WAS HOW SISTER BERTRILLE
NEGOTIATED HER FIRST DEAL.
THE NEXT WAS WITH
"MONEY BACK" HERNANDO.
THE MOST HONEST USED CAR
DEALER IN ALL OF SAN JUAN.
STILL TOO MUCH. AH.
TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.
MY CREDITORS HAVE
ME AGAINST THE WALL.
$900.
$850.
$825.
SENOR HERNANDO, YOU HAVEN'T
SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY TRADE-IN YET.
WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
ARE SO DEVOTEDLY ATTACHED TO IT.
I WILL GIVE YOU $25.
IT'S A DEAL.
[engine backfiring]
(Jacqueline) SISTER
BERTRILLE SOON LEARNED
THAT DRIVING A
BARGAIN IS ONE THING,
BUT DRIVING WHAT YOU
BARGAINED FOR IS SOMETHING ELSE.
[sighing]
AFTER ALL THAT, DON'T TELL
ME I WOUND UP WITH A STINKER.
WE SHOULD DRINK TO THE FATE
THAT MADE OUR PATHS CROSS.
OR TO THE TRAVEL
FOLDERS THAT ENTICED ME
TO COME TO PUERTO
RICO FOR MY VACATION.
WE'LL DRINK TO THEM,
TOO. THEN WE WILL LUNCH.
AND THEN... AND THEN?
THEN WE'LL SPEND THE HOURS
BLISSFULLY, JUST THE TWO OF US.
ALONE.
CARLOS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT,
BUT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
GIRL IN WISCONSIN, WELL, I,
I JUST HATED TO GO
ON PICNICS BECAUSE
SOMETHING ALWAYS
HAPPENED TO SPOIL THEM.
NOTHING CAN SPOIL THE BLISS
OF THIS MOMENT, MY DARLING.
[moaning]
CARLOS, THERE'S SOMEONE
HERE, STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
OH, NO. NO, IT CAN'T BE.
NOT HERE. NOT NOW...
CARLOS, HI.
I DIDN'T EXPECT
TO FIND YOU HERE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE
DIFFERENT, SISTER BERTRILLE.
I'VE COME TO EXPECT YOU TO
FIND ME HERE AND EVERYWHERE.
THIS IS SISTER BERTRILLE,
CONVENT SAN TANCO.
HOW DO YOU DO? HOW
LOVELY SHE LOOKS.
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE A
LITTLE ANGEL STANDING THERE.
OH, YES. AND SHE WILL SPREAD
HER WINGS AND GO AWAY QUICKLY
LIKE A GOOD LITTLE ANGEL.
WON'T YOU, SISTER BERTRILLE?
WELL, NO. I... I MEAN, YES. IF YOU'LL
JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF HELP.
YOU SEE, I BOUGHT THIS
STATION WAGON TODAY,
AND IT BROKE DOWN ON
THE ROAD JUST NEAR HERE.
AND YOU WANT ME TO FIX IT?
WELL, I TRIED, BUT I CAN'T.
DIANE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
YOU WON'T BE LONG,
WILL YOU, CARLOS?
OH, NO, HE'LL BE
BACK IN A JIFFY.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING
THAT COULD BE FIXED
WITH A LITTLE
TWIST OF THE WRIST.
THIS IS THE BEST
I CAN DO. TRY IT.
OK.
[engine starting]
OH, IT'S FINE.
THANK YOU, CARLOS.
[gears grating]
ONLY THING IS THE GEAR
SHIFT IS STUCK IN REVERSE.
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY YOU'LL
HAVE TO DRIVE IT. IN REVERSE.
WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE
A CAR BACKWARDS.
WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE,
IT SHOULDN'T BE DIFFICULT.
NOW, TELL ME ONE THING. WHO
DID YOU BUY THIS CAR FROM?
WELL, HIS NAME IS
MONEY-BACK-HERNANDO.
AND HE'S THE MOST HONEST USED
CAR DEALER IN ALL OF SAN JUAN, I KNOW.
WOULD YOU TAKE MY ADVICE?
YOU GO BACK TO MONEY-BACK,
AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
THAT'S WHAT I INTEND TO DO, JUST AS
FAST AS THIS CRATE WILL GET ME THERE.
[car horn honking]
YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU $800
FOR A CAR THAT DOES
NOT WORK? SISTER,
[clicking tongue] THAT IS NOT
THE WAY TO DO BUSINESS.
I'LL SAY IT ISN'T.
I'M GLAD YOU AGREE.
I WILL GIVE YOU
$500 FOR THE CAR.
I GAVE YOU $800.
OH, SISTER, SURELY I AM
ENTITLED TO A LEGITIMATE PROFIT?
I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MONEY.
IT BELONGS TO THE CONVENT.
AND FOR THE SAKE OF THE CONVENT,
I AM WILLING TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
$500. [sighs]
I'LL TAKE IT. I HAVE TO.
MAY I HAVE IT, PLEASE?
THE VERY MINUTE MY ASSISTANT
RETURNS FROM THE BANK.
WHAT DOES YOUR ASSISTANT
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
HE WENT TO MAKE THE DEPOSIT.
BUT, SISTER, I
HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
WHAT?
WHY NOT DO THIS WITHOUT
EXCHANGING ANY CASH AT ALL. HMM?
I MEAN, YOU STILL NEED A
STATION WAGON, DON'T YOU?
NEVER MIND, SENOR HERNANDO. I HAVE
TO GO NOW, BUT I'LL BE BACK REAL SOON,
SO PLEASE HAVE MY MONEY READY.
HERNANDO IS A MAN OF HIS WORD.
BUT, SISTER, UH, WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
SENOR MONEY-BACK, EVEN IF YOU
SAW IT, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
HAPPY?
MMM-HMM.
BUT ALSO A LITTLE SAD.
WHY, MY DARLING?
BECAUSE WE'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN AFTER I GO HOME.
OH, I'D FOLLOW YOU TO
THE ENDS OF THE EARTH.
[laughing]
NO, YOU WON'T.
YOU'LL FORGET ME JUST LIKE
YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER GIRLS.
OH, FOOLISH GIRL.
HOW CAN I FORGET A
SUBLIME MOMENT LIKE THIS?
HI, I'M BACK.
OH, WHY ME? WHY
ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I'M... I'M SORRY TO BUST IN ON YOU TWO
LIKE THIS AGAIN, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.
OF COURSE YOU COULDN'T
HELP IT, SISTER BERTRILLE.
IT IS PREORDAINED THAT
WE MEET IN STRANGE,
OUT OF THE WAY PLACES.
CARLOS, I NEED ANOTHER
FAVOR. WHAT NOW?
WELL, I TOOK YOUR ADVICE, AND I GOT
RID OF THAT NO-GOOD HEAP THAT I BOUGHT.
AW, I'M OVERJOYED.
AND NOW I WONDERED IF I COULD
BORROW YOUR STATION WAGON.
MY STATION WAGON?
JUST FOR A SECOND. YOU SEE, THE KIDS
ARE WAITING TO BE TAKEN TO THE CARNIVAL.
I PROMISE, I'LL
BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
OF COURSE YOU WILL BE
BACK, SISTER BERTRILLE,
IT IS INEVITABLE.
PLEASE, TAKE THE CAR.
OH, THANK YOU, CARLOS.
YOU'RE A REAL GOOD EGG.
THANK YOU. HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.
[children chattering]
(Bertrille) THANK YOU.
UH, HEY, CHARLIE. YES, SISTER?
ARE YOU GOING INTO
TOWN? THAT'S RIGHT.
GREAT. WILL YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?
OK. BUT STEP ON
IT. I'M IN A BIG HURRY.
OK, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
NOW, KIDS, KIDS, COME HERE.
I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO WAIT
FOR THE OTHER SISTERS,
SO I WANT YOU TO GIVE
THEM A MESSAGE FOR ME, OK?
OK. OK.
OK. NOW, TELL THEM TO
DRIVE YOU INTO THE VILLAGE
AND THEN BRING THE STATION
WAGON RIGHT BACK, PRONTO.
AND THAT I'LL GIVE THEM THE SCOOP
ON EVERYTHING LATER, WHEN I GET BACK.
OK, YOU'VE GOT IT? WE'VE GOT IT.
OK, SISTER, LET'S GO.
OK. OK, I'M COMING.
HAVE A GOOD TIME, AND
DON'T FORGET MY MESSAGE.
GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
[station wagon horn honking]
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
SISTER BERTRILLE BROUGHT IT.
SISTER BERTRILLE. WHERE IS SHE?
SHE HAD TO GO IN A HURRY,
SO SHE LEFT THIS CAR FOR US.
REVEREND MOTHER.
TAKE A LOOK AT OUR
NEW STATION WAGON.
IT'S A MIRACLE. OH, FOR $800.
YOU COULD SAY
THAT AGAIN, SISTER.
SISTER BERTRILLE,
SHE'S SHARP AS A TICK.
TACK, SISTER. OH, MY.
(girl) IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.
(boy) AND POWER STEERING.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY IN.
HAVE A GOOD TIME,
CHILDREN. (boy #2) BYE.
BYE-BYE. BYE.
[pipe bursting]
(Rev. Mother) OH, SISTER.
WELL, IF IT HAD TO HAPPEN, THIS
WAS THE PERFECT TIME FOR IT.
JUST WHEN WE SPEND
$800 FOR A NEW CAR.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE
GOING TO NEED THAT $800 NOW.
AND MORE. I KNOW.
SO BACK GOES THE STATION
WAGON WHERE IT CAME FROM.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SISTER
BERTRILLE IS OR HOW LONG SHE'LL BE.
OH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, AS
SOON AS SISTER SIXTO RETURNS.
OH, WAIT TILL SISTER
BERTRILLE FINDS OUT
WE HAD TO GET RID
OF IT. SHE'LL FLIP.
FLIP, SISTER JACQUELINE?
FLIP, REVEREND MOTHER.
YES, SISTER.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
SAY THIS, UH, SENOR HERNANDO.
[stammering] IT'S A LOVELY CAR.
OH, YES.
AND ALL THE, UH,
SISTERS AT THE CONVENT,
AS WELL AS THE MOTHER
SUPERIOR LIKE IT VERY MUCH.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
BUT, WE CAN'T KEEP IT.
YOU... YOU CAN'T KEEP IT?
NO. YOU SEE, WE NEED
THE $800 MUCH MORE.
YOU NEED THE $800 MUCH MORE.
IN FACT, DESPERATELY,
OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE.
SO, IF YOU WOULD, UM,
IF... IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
TAKING THE CAR AND
GIVING ME THE MONEY.
[stammering] NO, I
WOULDN'T MIND.
THE TIRES ARE, UH, WORN.
AND THE ENGINE IS NOISY.
BUT I WOULD BE GLAD
TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
OH, SENOR HERNANDO, YOU-YOU'RE
A KIND AND GENEROUS MAN.
WELL, I TRY TO BE,
SISTER. I... I TRY TO BE.
NOW STEP IN AND SEE MY CASHIER.
THANK YOU.
BUT, SISTER JACQUELINE CAN'T
SELL OUR NEW STATION WAGON.
AND WHY NOT?
WELL, FOR ONE
REASON, IT'S NOT OURS.
SISTER BERTRILLE, WE DID SEND
YOU TO SAN JUAN TO BUY A CAR.
YES, AND I BOUGHT ONE.
AND I STARTED TO DRIVE IT
BACK HERE, AND IT CONKED OUT.
I HAD TO DRIVE IT ALL
THE WAY BACK BACKWARDS
TO "MONEY BACK," TO
GET MY MONEY BACK.
SISTER BERTRILLE, I AM SURE
THAT IF YOU TRY VERY HARD,
YOU WILL FIND A WAY TO
MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT.
I'M SORRY. WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
I DIDN'T BUY THE CAR THAT
SISTER JACQUELINE IS SELLING.
I BORROWED IT FROM
CARLOS RAMIREZ.
GOSH.
A THING LIKE THIS
COULD SPOIL HIS PICNIC.
[thunder rumbling]
I KNEW IT.
I KNEW... SOMETHING ALWAYS
HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I GO ON A PICNIC.
OH, COME ON, IT'S JUST A LITTLE SUMMER
SHOWER, NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT.
[shrieking]
I LOOK A MESS.
TO CARLOS, YOU'RE
MORE EXCITING THAN EVER.
FUNNY. I DON'T
FEEL VERY EXCITING.
I FEEL LIKE I'M CATCHING A COLD.
CARLOS, I WANT TO GO BACK
TO MY HOTEL ROOM, NOW.
WOULD YOU TAKE ME
BACK? PLEASE TAKE ME.
OK.
IF YOU WISH.
HOW?
WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE?
I'M GOING TO WALK YOU BACK.
GIVE ME A HAND HERE, PLEASE.
[screaming]
BUT, SENOR HERNANDO,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN SISTER JACQUELINE
SELL YOU A CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE
THAT SHE DOESN'T EVEN
OWN IN THE SECOND PLACE.
ALL I KNOW IS SHE
CAME IN THIS PLACE,
I BOUGHT THE CAR,
IT BELONGS TO ME.
HOW CAN IT?
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE REGISTRATION SLIP.
THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I WANT THIS CAR.
AND I WILL BE GLAD TO
SEE THAT YOU GET IT.
FOR $1,500.
[sighs]
SENOR HERNANDO, WHAT
KIND OF A MAN ARE YOU?
FIRST, YOU SELL
ME A CAR FOR $800.
AND THEN YOU BUY IT
BACK FOR $500, MAKING $300.
AND THEN YOU BUY A CAR FOR
$800, AND TRY TO SELL IT FOR $1,500.
AM I AHEAD OR BEHIND?
TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO,
I'LL GIVE YOU $500 NOW,
AND THEN USE THE
HERNANDO EASY PAYMENT PLAN
WITH LOW, LOW INTEREST
RATES FOR THE REST OF THE TIME.
NOT WITH THIS CAR.
I WANT THE REST NOW.
$1,000.
BUT WHERE AM I
GOING TO GET $1,000?
$1,000.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU $1,000.
ONE GOOD REASON.
JUST ONE. I NEED IT?
IS THAT A GOOD REASON?
WELL, I COULD DO WITH A FAVOR.
SISTER BERTRILLE, HOW
MANY DOES THAT MAKE TODAY?
SISTER BERTRILLE,
I'M... I'M PATIENT, KIND,
AND VERY, VERY UNDERSTANDING.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO ME TODAY?
YOU RUINED MY DATE
WITH A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
YOU MADE ME GET
SOAKED IN THE RAIN.
YOU MADE ME WALK ALL
THE WAY BACK TO TOWN
IN A PAIR OF BRAND NEW SHOES.
YOU BORROWED MY STATION WAGON.
YOU DID BRING IT BACK?
WELL, THAT'S THE
WHOLE POINT. WHAT IS?
WHY I NEED $1,000.
YOU SEE, SISTER JACQUELINE DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS YOUR CAR WHEN SHE SOLD IT.
SISTER JACQUELINE DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS MINE WHEN SHE...
[screaming] SOLD IT?
PLEASE... PLEASE,
IT WAS ALL A MIX-UP,
AND I'LL EXPLAIN THE
WHOLE MIXED-UP STORY...
OH, PLEASE, DON'T. NO, PLEASE,
STOP. PLEASE, SPARE ME...
THAT'S WHY, HE NOW WANTS $1,500
FROM ME TO GET THE CAR BACK,
AND ALL I HAVE IS $500.
WHO DOES?
NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME!
YOU WANT TO
BORROW $1,000 FROM ME
TO BUY BACK MY STATION
WAGON WHICH SISTER JACQUELINE
DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT
TO SELL IN THE FIRST PLACE,
TO THE BIGGEST CROOK
IN ALL OF SAN JUAN?
I GUESS THAT SUMS IT UP NICELY.
THAT IS TOO MUCH!
OH, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE, CARLOS.
I'M REALLY SORRY
FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, I CAN WORK IT OUT MYSELF.
OH, NO, SISTER... SISTER
BERTRILLE, PLEASE.
PLEASE, STAY.
LET ME, LET ME
THINK FOR A MOMENT.
[sighs]
I THINK THIS IS ALL THE
FAULT OF HERNANDO. YEAH.
FOR SELLING YOU ONE OF
THE BROKEN-DOWN USED CARS.
YEAH, MAYBE SO.
BUT, RIGHT NOW, I WISH I HADN'T
SOLD THAT OLD JALOPY OF OURS,
[muttering] EVEN THOUGH
IT WAS JUST AN OLD RELIC.
IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WENT AND THAT
WAS ALL WE NEEDED. WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHAT? WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST SAID I... I WISH WE
HADN'T SOLD THE OLD RELIC, AND I MEANT IT.
RELIC? YEAH.
IT WAS A VERY
OLD CAR, WASN'T IT?
YES, BUT IT RAN, SOMETIMES.
DOWNHILL. IF WE PUSHED IT.
SISTER BERTRILLE? WHAT?
I WAS JUST READING ABOUT
AN OLD CAR LIKE YOURS.
HERE.
"MARMON 1914 PHAETON,
"BOUGHT BY MILLIONAIRE
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
LATEST ADDITION TO HIS GROWING
NUMBER OF COLLECTOR'S ITEMS."
I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN
ME A GREAT IDEA.
NOW, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO DO
EXACTLY AS I TELL YOU.
AND, NO QUESTIONS, PLEASE. WHY?
NO QUESTIONS, PLEASE.
$100?
FOR THIS OLD THING?
WELL, YOU TOLD ME IT
WAS ONLY WORTH $25.
SISTER, I SINCERELY HOPE
YOU DID NOT BELIEVE ME.
SENOR HERNANDO, I'M
LEARNING HOW YOU OPERATE.
I'LL GIVE YOU $50,
TAKE IT OR TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT. I THOUGHT SO.
MAY I HELP YOU IN? YES.
THANK YOU, SISTER. ENJOY IT.
DRIVE CAREFULLY.
AH, GOOD AFTERNOON, SENOR.
I AM HERNANDO. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
OH, MR. HERNANDO, IT'S SUCH
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
WELL, THE WORD DOES GET AROUND.
OH, IT DOES INDEED.
MR. HERNANDO, I'M INTERESTED
IN BUYING A STATION WAGON.
WELL, MY LOT IS FULL
OF STATION WAGONS.
OH, NO, NO, NO. A VERY
PARTICULAR ONE. VERY OLD,
PAINTED PURPLE.
YES. YES, I... I KNOW THE
ONE SENOR IS REFERRING TO,
BUT YOU WOULD NEVER BE
INTERESTED IN THAT. NEVER.
OH, BUT I'M VERY
INTERESTED, MR. MONEY-BACK.
UH, AND I'M READY TO PAY
A VERY GOOD PRICE FOR IT.
WHAT WOULD THE SENOR
CALL A GOOD PRICE?
$500.
$500.
WELL, I CAN SEE THAT I INSULTED
YOU WITH MY OFFER, MR. MONEY-BACK.
LET'S MAKE IT $1,000.
YOU WOULD PAY ME
$1,000 FOR THAT OLD CAR?
YES, LET'S SHAKE ON THE DEAL.
NO!
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM,
MR. HERNANDO?
I THINK YOU ARE DRIVING TOO
HARD A BARGAIN. I HAVE MY LIMITS.
WELL, WE ARE BOTH BUSINESSMAN.
WE KNOW THE VALUE
OF WHAT WE SELL.
LET'S MAKE IT $1,500.
I HAVE A CONFESSION
TO MAKE, SENOR.
I DO NOT HAVE THE CAR.
OH, NO, NO. YOU MUST BE
MISTAKEN. I JUST SAW IT HERE
WITH MY OWN EYES
A FEW SECONDS AGO.
I AM TELLING YOU THE
TRUTH. I JUST SOLD IT TO A NUN,
FROM THE CONVENT OF SAN TANCO.
AH, SHE PAID A GOOD
PRICE FOR IT, HUH?
OH, THE CLEVER ONE.
SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WI... WI... WHO?
(both) WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM? NO.
HE COLLECTS OLD CARS.
HE PAYS A FORTUNE FOR THEM. HUH?
HE'S ALL OVER THE
WORLD LOOKING FOR THEM.
EVEN HERE IN PUERTO RICO.
OH, MR. HERNANDO,
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BEEN
THE VICTIM OF A SWINDLE.
I CAN'T STAND IT. I
CANNOT STAND IT.
WELL, I CAN'T STAY
HERE ANY LONGER.
[stammering] WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
TO THE CONVENT SAN TANCO.
I'M GOING TO BUY THE CAR, NO
MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
OH. WAIT... WAIT... WAIT
FOR ME. WAIT FOR ME.
I'LL GO WITH YOU. WAIT.
OH. OK.
[car tires screeching]
WAIT FOR ME.
[engine sputtering]
[car door slams]
[tires squealing]
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
I WON'T IF YOU WON'T. HI.
SISTER, ARE YOU
PREPARED TO SELL?
WELL, I DON'T... I'LL MAKE AN
OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T REFUSE.
I WILL TOP ANY OFFER HE MAKES.
$250. $500.
$750. $1,000.
$1,500. $2,000.
$2,250. $2,500.
$3,000.
SOLD. CONGRATULATIONS,
MY FRIEND,
YOU OUTBID CARLOS RAMIREZ.
YOU MAY PAY THE
NUN. OH, THANK YOU.
(Hernando) THANK
YOU. GLADLY, GLADLY.
I... I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS MONEY.
WELL, YOU SAID THE CAR
WAS HARDLY WORTH ANYTHING.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SISTER.
WI... WI...
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WILL PAY PLENTY FOR IT.
OH.
OH. WHERE IS HE STAYING?
WHO?
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WHAT... WHAT HOTEL IS HE IN?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
BUT YOU SAID HE
WAS IN PUERTO RICO.
OH, NO, MY FRIEND, I THINK
YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME. I SAID,
HE TRAVELS ALL OVER THE
WORLD COLLECTING OLD CARS,
EVEN HERE IN PUERTO RICO.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT HE'S HERE NOW.
I THINK THAT NOW HE'S IN
AFRICA, SHOOTING BIG GAME.
WITH A CAMERA, OF COURSE.
A-AFRICA?
WHEN WILL HE BE
IN P-P-PUERTO RICO?
I DON'T KNOW. OH, MAYBE NEVER.
MY FRIEND, I DON'T
PLAN HIS ITINERARY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE MAN.
[engine sputtering]
[engine backfiring]
[nuns laughing]
[laughing]
[both laughing]
(Jacqueline) THIS IS THE CONVENT
SAN TANCO IN SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO.
UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO, WE WERE
MUCH LIKE ANY OTHER TEACHING ORDER.
THAT WAS WHEN SISTER
BERTRILLE CAME TO JOIN US.
THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN
QUITE THE SAME SINCE.
YOU SEE, SISTER BERTRILLE FLIES.
OH, NOT IN AN AIRPLANE.
SHE ONLY WEIGHS 90 POUNDS
AND WHEN THE WIND IS RIGHT,
SHE JUST... FLIES.
HER TALENTS ARE NOT
LIMITED TO AEROBATICS.
SHE ALSO HAS A
GIFT FOR MECHANICS,
A BLESSING AS FAR AS OUR
STATION WAGON IS CONCERNED.
ON THE DAY WE HAD PROMISED
TO TAKE THE CHILDREN
TO THE FEAST OF SAINT
ANTHONY CARNIVAL,
SISTER BERTRILLE FOUND
HERSELF, ONCE AGAIN,
TRYING TO COAX IT INTO ACTION.
OK, TRY HER AGAIN.
[engine sputtering]
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE TIGHTENED
EVERYTHING THAT WAS TOO LOOSE,
AND LOOSENED EVERYTHING
THAT WAS TOO TIGHT.
SISTER, THE CAR, SHE
CRANK OUT AGAIN, NO?
THE CAR, SHE CONK
OUT AGAIN, YES.
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS,
WE'LL GET IT STARTED.
I REPEAT, SISTER.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WE GET OURSELVES A NEW STATION
WAGON, THAT'S WHAT WE DO NOW.
SISTERS, UH, THE CONVENT HAS NO
MONEY FOR SUCH AN EXTRAVAGANCE
AS... AS A NEW CAR.
BUT, REVEREND
MOTHER, BELIEVE ME,
THIS IS ONE EXTRAVAGANCE
THAT'S A... A NECESSITY.
THAT OLD CAR, SHE'S
A REAL CLUNKER.
CLINKER, SISTER.
THIS MORNING, IT
WILL NOT START AT ALL.
WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE
THE CHILDREN TO THE CARNIVAL.
THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS HOLIDAY
FOR WEEKS. HOW CAN
WE DISAPPOINT THEM?
AND WE DON'T HAVE
TO BUY A NEW CAR.
NO, WE CAN TAKE OUR
OLD STATION WAGON
AND TRADE IT IN ON A GOOD
USED CAR, FOR VERY LITTLE MONEY.
SISTERS, WE... WE
HAVE ONLY ABOUT
$800 PUT BY.
WELL, WHY NOT LOOK
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE?
I MEAN, THERE HASN'T BEEN
AN EMERGENCY AROUND HERE
FOR AS LONG AS
ANYONE CAN REMEMBER.
AND EVEN BEFORE THAT.
SO WHY SHOULD THERE EVER BE?
(Jacqueline) AND THAT, AFTER A
FASHION, WAS HOW SISTER BERTRILLE
NEGOTIATED HER FIRST DEAL.
THE NEXT WAS WITH
"MONEY BACK" HERNANDO.
THE MOST HONEST USED CAR
DEALER IN ALL OF SAN JUAN.
STILL TOO MUCH. AH.
TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.
MY CREDITORS HAVE
ME AGAINST THE WALL.
$900.
$850.
$825.
SENOR HERNANDO, YOU HAVEN'T
SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY TRADE-IN YET.
WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
ARE SO DEVOTEDLY ATTACHED TO IT.
I WILL GIVE YOU $25.
IT'S A DEAL.
[engine backfiring]
(Jacqueline) SISTER
BERTRILLE SOON LEARNED
THAT DRIVING A
BARGAIN IS ONE THING,
BUT DRIVING WHAT YOU
BARGAINED FOR IS SOMETHING ELSE.
[sighing]
AFTER ALL THAT, DON'T TELL
ME I WOUND UP WITH A STINKER.
WE SHOULD DRINK TO THE FATE
THAT MADE OUR PATHS CROSS.
OR TO THE TRAVEL
FOLDERS THAT ENTICED ME
TO COME TO PUERTO
RICO FOR MY VACATION.
WE'LL DRINK TO THEM,
TOO. THEN WE WILL LUNCH.
AND THEN... AND THEN?
THEN WE'LL SPEND THE HOURS
BLISSFULLY, JUST THE TWO OF US.
ALONE.
CARLOS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT,
BUT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
GIRL IN WISCONSIN, WELL, I,
I JUST HATED TO GO
ON PICNICS BECAUSE
SOMETHING ALWAYS
HAPPENED TO SPOIL THEM.
NOTHING CAN SPOIL THE BLISS
OF THIS MOMENT, MY DARLING.
[moaning]
CARLOS, THERE'S SOMEONE
HERE, STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
OH, NO. NO, IT CAN'T BE.
NOT HERE. NOT NOW...
CARLOS, HI.
I DIDN'T EXPECT
TO FIND YOU HERE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHY WE
DIFFERENT, SISTER BERTRILLE.
I'VE COME TO EXPECT YOU TO
FIND ME HERE AND EVERYWHERE.
THIS IS SISTER BERTRILLE,
CONVENT SAN TANCO.
HOW DO YOU DO? HOW
LOVELY SHE LOOKS.
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE A
LITTLE ANGEL STANDING THERE.
OH, YES. AND SHE WILL SPREAD
HER WINGS AND GO AWAY QUICKLY
LIKE A GOOD LITTLE ANGEL.
WON'T YOU, SISTER BERTRILLE?
WELL, NO. I... I MEAN, YES. IF YOU'LL
JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF HELP.
YOU SEE, I BOUGHT THIS
STATION WAGON TODAY,
AND IT BROKE DOWN ON
THE ROAD JUST NEAR HERE.
AND YOU WANT ME TO FIX IT?
WELL, I TRIED, BUT I CAN'T.
DIANE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
YOU WON'T BE LONG,
WILL YOU, CARLOS?
OH, NO, HE'LL BE
BACK IN A JIFFY.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING
THAT COULD BE FIXED
WITH A LITTLE
TWIST OF THE WRIST.
THIS IS THE BEST
I CAN DO. TRY IT.
OK.
[engine starting]
OH, IT'S FINE.
THANK YOU, CARLOS.
[gears grating]
ONLY THING IS THE GEAR
SHIFT IS STUCK IN REVERSE.
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY YOU'LL
HAVE TO DRIVE IT. IN REVERSE.
WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE
A CAR BACKWARDS.
WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE,
IT SHOULDN'T BE DIFFICULT.
NOW, TELL ME ONE THING. WHO
DID YOU BUY THIS CAR FROM?
WELL, HIS NAME IS
MONEY-BACK-HERNANDO.
AND HE'S THE MOST HONEST USED
CAR DEALER IN ALL OF SAN JUAN, I KNOW.
WOULD YOU TAKE MY ADVICE?
YOU GO BACK TO MONEY-BACK,
AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
THAT'S WHAT I INTEND TO DO, JUST AS
FAST AS THIS CRATE WILL GET ME THERE.
[car horn honking]
YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU $800
FOR A CAR THAT DOES
NOT WORK? SISTER,
[clicking tongue] THAT IS NOT
THE WAY TO DO BUSINESS.
I'LL SAY IT ISN'T.
I'M GLAD YOU AGREE.
I WILL GIVE YOU
$500 FOR THE CAR.
I GAVE YOU $800.
OH, SISTER, SURELY I AM
ENTITLED TO A LEGITIMATE PROFIT?
I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MONEY.
IT BELONGS TO THE CONVENT.
AND FOR THE SAKE OF THE CONVENT,
I AM WILLING TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
$500. [sighs]
I'LL TAKE IT. I HAVE TO.
MAY I HAVE IT, PLEASE?
THE VERY MINUTE MY ASSISTANT
RETURNS FROM THE BANK.
WHAT DOES YOUR ASSISTANT
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
HE WENT TO MAKE THE DEPOSIT.
BUT, SISTER, I
HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
WHAT?
WHY NOT DO THIS WITHOUT
EXCHANGING ANY CASH AT ALL. HMM?
I MEAN, YOU STILL NEED A
STATION WAGON, DON'T YOU?
NEVER MIND, SENOR HERNANDO. I HAVE
TO GO NOW, BUT I'LL BE BACK REAL SOON,
SO PLEASE HAVE MY MONEY READY.
HERNANDO IS A MAN OF HIS WORD.
BUT, SISTER, UH, WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
SENOR MONEY-BACK, EVEN IF YOU
SAW IT, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
HAPPY?
MMM-HMM.
BUT ALSO A LITTLE SAD.
WHY, MY DARLING?
BECAUSE WE'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN AFTER I GO HOME.
OH, I'D FOLLOW YOU TO
THE ENDS OF THE EARTH.
[laughing]
NO, YOU WON'T.
YOU'LL FORGET ME JUST LIKE
YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER GIRLS.
OH, FOOLISH GIRL.
HOW CAN I FORGET A
SUBLIME MOMENT LIKE THIS?
HI, I'M BACK.
OH, WHY ME? WHY
ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I'M... I'M SORRY TO BUST IN ON YOU TWO
LIKE THIS AGAIN, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.
OF COURSE YOU COULDN'T
HELP IT, SISTER BERTRILLE.
IT IS PREORDAINED THAT
WE MEET IN STRANGE,
OUT OF THE WAY PLACES.
CARLOS, I NEED ANOTHER
FAVOR. WHAT NOW?
WELL, I TOOK YOUR ADVICE, AND I GOT
RID OF THAT NO-GOOD HEAP THAT I BOUGHT.
AW, I'M OVERJOYED.
AND NOW I WONDERED IF I COULD
BORROW YOUR STATION WAGON.
MY STATION WAGON?
JUST FOR A SECOND. YOU SEE, THE KIDS
ARE WAITING TO BE TAKEN TO THE CARNIVAL.
I PROMISE, I'LL
BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
OF COURSE YOU WILL BE
BACK, SISTER BERTRILLE,
IT IS INEVITABLE.
PLEASE, TAKE THE CAR.
OH, THANK YOU, CARLOS.
YOU'RE A REAL GOOD EGG.
THANK YOU. HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.
[children chattering]
(Bertrille) THANK YOU.
UH, HEY, CHARLIE. YES, SISTER?
ARE YOU GOING INTO
TOWN? THAT'S RIGHT.
GREAT. WILL YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?
OK. BUT STEP ON
IT. I'M IN A BIG HURRY.
OK, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
NOW, KIDS, KIDS, COME HERE.
I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO WAIT
FOR THE OTHER SISTERS,
SO I WANT YOU TO GIVE
THEM A MESSAGE FOR ME, OK?
OK. OK.
OK. NOW, TELL THEM TO
DRIVE YOU INTO THE VILLAGE
AND THEN BRING THE STATION
WAGON RIGHT BACK, PRONTO.
AND THAT I'LL GIVE THEM THE SCOOP
ON EVERYTHING LATER, WHEN I GET BACK.
OK, YOU'VE GOT IT? WE'VE GOT IT.
OK, SISTER, LET'S GO.
OK. OK, I'M COMING.
HAVE A GOOD TIME, AND
DON'T FORGET MY MESSAGE.
GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
[station wagon horn honking]
WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
SISTER BERTRILLE BROUGHT IT.
SISTER BERTRILLE. WHERE IS SHE?
SHE HAD TO GO IN A HURRY,
SO SHE LEFT THIS CAR FOR US.
REVEREND MOTHER.
TAKE A LOOK AT OUR
NEW STATION WAGON.
IT'S A MIRACLE. OH, FOR $800.
YOU COULD SAY
THAT AGAIN, SISTER.
SISTER BERTRILLE,
SHE'S SHARP AS A TICK.
TACK, SISTER. OH, MY.
(girl) IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.
(boy) AND POWER STEERING.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY IN.
HAVE A GOOD TIME,
CHILDREN. (boy #2) BYE.
BYE-BYE. BYE.
[pipe bursting]
(Rev. Mother) OH, SISTER.
WELL, IF IT HAD TO HAPPEN, THIS
WAS THE PERFECT TIME FOR IT.
JUST WHEN WE SPEND
$800 FOR A NEW CAR.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE
GOING TO NEED THAT $800 NOW.
AND MORE. I KNOW.
SO BACK GOES THE STATION
WAGON WHERE IT CAME FROM.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SISTER
BERTRILLE IS OR HOW LONG SHE'LL BE.
OH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, AS
SOON AS SISTER SIXTO RETURNS.
OH, WAIT TILL SISTER
BERTRILLE FINDS OUT
WE HAD TO GET RID
OF IT. SHE'LL FLIP.
FLIP, SISTER JACQUELINE?
FLIP, REVEREND MOTHER.
YES, SISTER.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
SAY THIS, UH, SENOR HERNANDO.
[stammering] IT'S A LOVELY CAR.
OH, YES.
AND ALL THE, UH,
SISTERS AT THE CONVENT,
AS WELL AS THE MOTHER
SUPERIOR LIKE IT VERY MUCH.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
BUT, WE CAN'T KEEP IT.
YOU... YOU CAN'T KEEP IT?
NO. YOU SEE, WE NEED
THE $800 MUCH MORE.
YOU NEED THE $800 MUCH MORE.
IN FACT, DESPERATELY,
OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE.
SO, IF YOU WOULD, UM,
IF... IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
TAKING THE CAR AND
GIVING ME THE MONEY.
[stammering] NO, I
WOULDN'T MIND.
THE TIRES ARE, UH, WORN.
AND THE ENGINE IS NOISY.
BUT I WOULD BE GLAD
TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
OH, SENOR HERNANDO, YOU-YOU'RE
A KIND AND GENEROUS MAN.
WELL, I TRY TO BE,
SISTER. I... I TRY TO BE.
NOW STEP IN AND SEE MY CASHIER.
THANK YOU.
BUT, SISTER JACQUELINE CAN'T
SELL OUR NEW STATION WAGON.
AND WHY NOT?
WELL, FOR ONE
REASON, IT'S NOT OURS.
SISTER BERTRILLE, WE DID SEND
YOU TO SAN JUAN TO BUY A CAR.
YES, AND I BOUGHT ONE.
AND I STARTED TO DRIVE IT
BACK HERE, AND IT CONKED OUT.
I HAD TO DRIVE IT ALL
THE WAY BACK BACKWARDS
TO "MONEY BACK," TO
GET MY MONEY BACK.
SISTER BERTRILLE, I AM SURE
THAT IF YOU TRY VERY HARD,
YOU WILL FIND A WAY TO
MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT.
I'M SORRY. WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
I DIDN'T BUY THE CAR THAT
SISTER JACQUELINE IS SELLING.
I BORROWED IT FROM
CARLOS RAMIREZ.
GOSH.
A THING LIKE THIS
COULD SPOIL HIS PICNIC.
[thunder rumbling]
I KNEW IT.
I KNEW... SOMETHING ALWAYS
HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I GO ON A PICNIC.
OH, COME ON, IT'S JUST A LITTLE SUMMER
SHOWER, NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT.
[shrieking]
I LOOK A MESS.
TO CARLOS, YOU'RE
MORE EXCITING THAN EVER.
FUNNY. I DON'T
FEEL VERY EXCITING.
I FEEL LIKE I'M CATCHING A COLD.
CARLOS, I WANT TO GO BACK
TO MY HOTEL ROOM, NOW.
WOULD YOU TAKE ME
BACK? PLEASE TAKE ME.
OK.
IF YOU WISH.
HOW?
WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE?
I'M GOING TO WALK YOU BACK.
GIVE ME A HAND HERE, PLEASE.
[screaming]
BUT, SENOR HERNANDO,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN SISTER JACQUELINE
SELL YOU A CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE
THAT SHE DOESN'T EVEN
OWN IN THE SECOND PLACE.
ALL I KNOW IS SHE
CAME IN THIS PLACE,
I BOUGHT THE CAR,
IT BELONGS TO ME.
HOW CAN IT?
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE REGISTRATION SLIP.
THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I WANT THIS CAR.
AND I WILL BE GLAD TO
SEE THAT YOU GET IT.
FOR $1,500.
[sighs]
SENOR HERNANDO, WHAT
KIND OF A MAN ARE YOU?
FIRST, YOU SELL
ME A CAR FOR $800.
AND THEN YOU BUY IT
BACK FOR $500, MAKING $300.
AND THEN YOU BUY A CAR FOR
$800, AND TRY TO SELL IT FOR $1,500.
AM I AHEAD OR BEHIND?
TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO,
I'LL GIVE YOU $500 NOW,
AND THEN USE THE
HERNANDO EASY PAYMENT PLAN
WITH LOW, LOW INTEREST
RATES FOR THE REST OF THE TIME.
NOT WITH THIS CAR.
I WANT THE REST NOW.
$1,000.
BUT WHERE AM I
GOING TO GET $1,000?
$1,000.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU $1,000.
ONE GOOD REASON.
JUST ONE. I NEED IT?
IS THAT A GOOD REASON?
WELL, I COULD DO WITH A FAVOR.
SISTER BERTRILLE, HOW
MANY DOES THAT MAKE TODAY?
SISTER BERTRILLE,
I'M... I'M PATIENT, KIND,
AND VERY, VERY UNDERSTANDING.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO ME TODAY?
YOU RUINED MY DATE
WITH A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
YOU MADE ME GET
SOAKED IN THE RAIN.
YOU MADE ME WALK ALL
THE WAY BACK TO TOWN
IN A PAIR OF BRAND NEW SHOES.
YOU BORROWED MY STATION WAGON.
YOU DID BRING IT BACK?
WELL, THAT'S THE
WHOLE POINT. WHAT IS?
WHY I NEED $1,000.
YOU SEE, SISTER JACQUELINE DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS YOUR CAR WHEN SHE SOLD IT.
SISTER JACQUELINE DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS MINE WHEN SHE...
[screaming] SOLD IT?
PLEASE... PLEASE,
IT WAS ALL A MIX-UP,
AND I'LL EXPLAIN THE
WHOLE MIXED-UP STORY...
OH, PLEASE, DON'T. NO, PLEASE,
STOP. PLEASE, SPARE ME...
THAT'S WHY, HE NOW WANTS $1,500
FROM ME TO GET THE CAR BACK,
AND ALL I HAVE IS $500.
WHO DOES?
NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME!
YOU WANT TO
BORROW $1,000 FROM ME
TO BUY BACK MY STATION
WAGON WHICH SISTER JACQUELINE
DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT
TO SELL IN THE FIRST PLACE,
TO THE BIGGEST CROOK
IN ALL OF SAN JUAN?
I GUESS THAT SUMS IT UP NICELY.
THAT IS TOO MUCH!
OH, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE, CARLOS.
I'M REALLY SORRY
FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, I CAN WORK IT OUT MYSELF.
OH, NO, SISTER... SISTER
BERTRILLE, PLEASE.
PLEASE, STAY.
LET ME, LET ME
THINK FOR A MOMENT.
[sighs]
I THINK THIS IS ALL THE
FAULT OF HERNANDO. YEAH.
FOR SELLING YOU ONE OF
THE BROKEN-DOWN USED CARS.
YEAH, MAYBE SO.
BUT, RIGHT NOW, I WISH I HADN'T
SOLD THAT OLD JALOPY OF OURS,
[muttering] EVEN THOUGH
IT WAS JUST AN OLD RELIC.
IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WENT AND THAT
WAS ALL WE NEEDED. WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHAT? WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST SAID I... I WISH WE
HADN'T SOLD THE OLD RELIC, AND I MEANT IT.
RELIC? YEAH.
IT WAS A VERY
OLD CAR, WASN'T IT?
YES, BUT IT RAN, SOMETIMES.
DOWNHILL. IF WE PUSHED IT.
SISTER BERTRILLE? WHAT?
I WAS JUST READING ABOUT
AN OLD CAR LIKE YOURS.
HERE.
"MARMON 1914 PHAETON,
"BOUGHT BY MILLIONAIRE
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
LATEST ADDITION TO HIS GROWING
NUMBER OF COLLECTOR'S ITEMS."
I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN
ME A GREAT IDEA.
NOW, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO DO
EXACTLY AS I TELL YOU.
AND, NO QUESTIONS, PLEASE. WHY?
NO QUESTIONS, PLEASE.
$100?
FOR THIS OLD THING?
WELL, YOU TOLD ME IT
WAS ONLY WORTH $25.
SISTER, I SINCERELY HOPE
YOU DID NOT BELIEVE ME.
SENOR HERNANDO, I'M
LEARNING HOW YOU OPERATE.
I'LL GIVE YOU $50,
TAKE IT OR TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT. I THOUGHT SO.
MAY I HELP YOU IN? YES.
THANK YOU, SISTER. ENJOY IT.
DRIVE CAREFULLY.
AH, GOOD AFTERNOON, SENOR.
I AM HERNANDO. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
OH, MR. HERNANDO, IT'S SUCH
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
WELL, THE WORD DOES GET AROUND.
OH, IT DOES INDEED.
MR. HERNANDO, I'M INTERESTED
IN BUYING A STATION WAGON.
WELL, MY LOT IS FULL
OF STATION WAGONS.
OH, NO, NO, NO. A VERY
PARTICULAR ONE. VERY OLD,
PAINTED PURPLE.
YES. YES, I... I KNOW THE
ONE SENOR IS REFERRING TO,
BUT YOU WOULD NEVER BE
INTERESTED IN THAT. NEVER.
OH, BUT I'M VERY
INTERESTED, MR. MONEY-BACK.
UH, AND I'M READY TO PAY
A VERY GOOD PRICE FOR IT.
WHAT WOULD THE SENOR
CALL A GOOD PRICE?
$500.
$500.
WELL, I CAN SEE THAT I INSULTED
YOU WITH MY OFFER, MR. MONEY-BACK.
LET'S MAKE IT $1,000.
YOU WOULD PAY ME
$1,000 FOR THAT OLD CAR?
YES, LET'S SHAKE ON THE DEAL.
NO!
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM,
MR. HERNANDO?
I THINK YOU ARE DRIVING TOO
HARD A BARGAIN. I HAVE MY LIMITS.
WELL, WE ARE BOTH BUSINESSMAN.
WE KNOW THE VALUE
OF WHAT WE SELL.
LET'S MAKE IT $1,500.
I HAVE A CONFESSION
TO MAKE, SENOR.
I DO NOT HAVE THE CAR.
OH, NO, NO. YOU MUST BE
MISTAKEN. I JUST SAW IT HERE
WITH MY OWN EYES
A FEW SECONDS AGO.
I AM TELLING YOU THE
TRUTH. I JUST SOLD IT TO A NUN,
FROM THE CONVENT OF SAN TANCO.
AH, SHE PAID A GOOD
PRICE FOR IT, HUH?
OH, THE CLEVER ONE.
SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WI... WI... WHO?
(both) WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM? NO.
HE COLLECTS OLD CARS.
HE PAYS A FORTUNE FOR THEM. HUH?
HE'S ALL OVER THE
WORLD LOOKING FOR THEM.
EVEN HERE IN PUERTO RICO.
OH, MR. HERNANDO,
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BEEN
THE VICTIM OF A SWINDLE.
I CAN'T STAND IT. I
CANNOT STAND IT.
WELL, I CAN'T STAY
HERE ANY LONGER.
[stammering] WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
TO THE CONVENT SAN TANCO.
I'M GOING TO BUY THE CAR, NO
MATTER HOW MUCH I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
OH. WAIT... WAIT... WAIT
FOR ME. WAIT FOR ME.
I'LL GO WITH YOU. WAIT.
OH. OK.
[car tires screeching]
WAIT FOR ME.
[engine sputtering]
[car door slams]
[tires squealing]
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
I WON'T IF YOU WON'T. HI.
SISTER, ARE YOU
PREPARED TO SELL?
WELL, I DON'T... I'LL MAKE AN
OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T REFUSE.
I WILL TOP ANY OFFER HE MAKES.
$250. $500.
$750. $1,000.
$1,500. $2,000.
$2,250. $2,500.
$3,000.
SOLD. CONGRATULATIONS,
MY FRIEND,
YOU OUTBID CARLOS RAMIREZ.
YOU MAY PAY THE
NUN. OH, THANK YOU.
(Hernando) THANK
YOU. GLADLY, GLADLY.
I... I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS MONEY.
WELL, YOU SAID THE CAR
WAS HARDLY WORTH ANYTHING.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SISTER.
WI... WI...
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WILL PAY PLENTY FOR IT.
OH.
OH. WHERE IS HE STAYING?
WHO?
WINTHROP VANDERHAVEN IV.
WHAT... WHAT HOTEL IS HE IN?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
BUT YOU SAID HE
WAS IN PUERTO RICO.
OH, NO, MY FRIEND, I THINK
YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME. I SAID,
HE TRAVELS ALL OVER THE
WORLD COLLECTING OLD CARS,
EVEN HERE IN PUERTO RICO.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT HE'S HERE NOW.
I THINK THAT NOW HE'S IN
AFRICA, SHOOTING BIG GAME.
WITH A CAMERA, OF COURSE.
A-AFRICA?
WHEN WILL HE BE
IN P-P-PUERTO RICO?
I DON'T KNOW. OH, MAYBE NEVER.
MY FRIEND, I DON'T
PLAN HIS ITINERARY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE MAN.
[engine sputtering]
[engine backfiring]
[nuns laughing]
[laughing]
[both laughing]