The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 1, Episode 26 - Where There's a Will - full transcript
In the will of a benefactor, the convent is the sole beneficiary of the estate. Unfortunately the only asset of the estate is the contract of a boxer, the Buffalo Buzzsaw aka Mike Sever. The sisters cannot keep Mike in any sense of the word, let alone let him stay at the convent, and Mike has no where else to go. So they let him stay temporarily in the gardener's quarters and work as the convent's odd job man. They learn that Mike is not a prize winning fighter, and has not had a bout in over two years. The sisters want to give him his freedom, but Mike likes it at the convent. They can't "sell" his contract out of principle, but with Carlos' help, they decide that it may be for the best. They get Mike into training and eventually get him a bout, at which they hope to attract a manager who will buy Mike's contract and give him the boxer's life he really deserves. When Mike finds out, he runs off. Sister Bertrille finds him and finds out the reason for running off and for not having a bout in two years: he likes it at the convent, doesn't want to sold like chattel anymore, and most importantly hates boxing, at least the hitting others part of it. He would prefer to get beaten to a pulp than to punch someone else out cold. Mike decides to fight to help the sisters, and with a one-two punch, knocks his opponent out cold, although he is traumatized by it. But they receive several offers for his contract. What the sisters decide to do is give Mike his own contract to negotiate. What he wants and decides to do is to tear up the contract and work for Carlos, not as a fighter but as a chef in his restaurant. This act starts a new career for the Buffalo Buzzsaw.
[barking]
(Jacqueline) GREAT EXCITEMENT
AT CONVENT SAN TANCO.
C. EVERETT PRYNNE, THE LATE
SPORTSMAN AND WORLD TRAVELER
HAD NAMED OUR CONVENT
SOLE HEIR TO HIS ESTATE.
WELL, NOW, SISTERS,
MR. BRAGEN IS HERE THIS EVENING
TO GIVE US THE DETAILS
OF MR. PRYNNE'S LEGACY.
BUT, UH, FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD
LIKE TO SAY A WORD OF APPRECIATION
TO ONE OF THE
MEMBERS OF OUR ORDER
WHO MADE MR. PRYNNE
FEEL SO KINDLY
TOWARD THE CONVENT SAN TANCO.
SISTER BERTRILLE.
MR. PRYNNE WAS ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN WHAT WAS HAPPENING
AT THE CONVENT
IN WHAT WE WERE
DOING AND TRYING TO DO.
BUT I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS
GONNA MAKE US HIS HEIRS.
(Rev. Mother) HIS
GENEROSITY IS...
WELL, IT'S... IT'S LIKE AN
ANSWER TO OUR PRAYERS.
UH, WE HAVE SO
MANY PRESSING NEEDS.
(Bertrille) LIKE THE
ELECTRICAL WIRING.
[banging on wall]
UM, WELL, NOW,
WE MUST NOT TAKE UP ANY
MORE OF MR. BRAGEN'S TIME.
[clears throat]
(Bragen) UH, REVEREND
MOTHER, SISTERS,
THE CONVENT IS HEIR
TO THE PRYNNE ESTATE.
HOWEVER, MR. PRYNNE
WAS A SPORTSMAN
IN EVERY SENSE OF THAT WORD
AND UNFORTUNATELY, LEFT A GREAT
MANY, UH, AHEM, GAMBLING DEBTS.
NOW, THOSE DEBTS IN ADDITION TO
FEDERAL ESTATE TAX,
DEATH TAX, PROBATE
AND, UH, AHEM, GENERAL
ADMINISTRATIVE EXPENSES
HAVE GREATLY REDUCED THE ESTATE.
OH.
I SEE.
IN FACT, THE... THE ONLY
THING THAT'S LEFT IS THIS.
THE CONTRACT ON
THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
WHAT IS A BUFFALO BUZZSAW?
UH, NOT "WHAT," REVEREND
MOTHER, BUT "WHO."
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
HI.
HE'S A PRIZEFIGHTER.
(Mike) THAT'S RIGHT, SISTER.
YOU'LL SEE IN THOSE
ATTACHED CLIPPINGS
THAT MIKE HAS
EVERY QUALIFICATION
TO BE A... A LEADING CONTENDER
FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
A PRIZEFIGHTER?
UH, WE CANNOT
OWN A PRIZEFIGHTER.
OH, BUT, REVEREND
MOTHER, YOU DO.
(Jacqueline) AFTER
THE INITIAL SHOCK
OF INHERITING A
PUGILIST HAD WORN OFF
IT QUICKLY BECAME CLEAR
THERE WAS ONLY ONE SOLUTION.
WE OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T HAVE A
PRIZEFIGHTER AT CONVENT SAN TANCO.
IT WAS OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MIKE SEVRE MUST GO.
THAT WAS APPARENT TO EVERYONE
EXCEPT THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
GO? GO WHERE?
HOME.
OH, THIS IS MY HOME.
YOU JUST CAN'T
STAY HERE, MR. SEVRE.
CALL ME MIKE.
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
(Bertrille) SISTER BERTRILLE.
BUT, MR. SEVRE... UH, MIKE,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR US TO OWN YOU.
OH, WELL, EVERYTHING
IS LEGAL. I'M YOURS.
BUT THERE'S NO PLACE
FOR YOU TO STAY HERE.
OH, WELL, HEY, I'M
NOT HARD TO PLEASE.
BESIDES, I AIN'T GOT
NO PLACE ELSE TO GO.
OH, THERE ARE, UH,
LOTS OF NICE HOTELS.
SEE THAT?
53 CENTS.
THOSE ARE MY WORLDLY GOODS.
PERHAPS IF YOU
TELEGRAPHED A FRIEND...
WELL, THERE'S NOBODY
ELSE, EXCEPT YOU LADIES.
UH, SISTERS.
[sighing] I, UH... TSK.
WELL, I GUESS I
COULD SLEEP OUTSIDE.
I MEAN, IT DON'T GET COLD
LIKE IT DOES IN BUFFALO.
AND OUT THERE IN THE JUNGLE, I... I
SUPPOSE I COULD GET BY ON WILD FRUIT.
BERRIES, STUFF LIKE THAT.
OH, THERE'S A WILD BANANA
GROVE ABOUT 10 MILES FROM HERE.
UH, NORTH.
THANKS.
REVEREND MOTHER, THE
GARDENER'S COTTAGE IS EMPTY.
SISTER BERTRILLE...
WE DO OWN HIM, TEMPORARILY.
MR. SEVRE.
WELCOME TO SAN TANCO.
[chuckling] THANK YOU.
(Jacqueline) SO, OUR PRIZEFIGHTER
MOVED INTO THE GARDENER'S COTTAGE
TEMPORARILY.
AS HE SAID, HE WASN'T
HARD TO PLEASE.
AND HE WAS CHARMING.
INDUSTRIOUS.
WONDERFUL WITH THE CHILDREN.
AND A GREAT COOK.
WE WERE ALL SKEPTICAL AT FIRST.
HE INSISTED ON PREPARING A
SPECIAL MEAL AND SHARING IT WITH US.
50 PERCENT FOR US,
50 PERCENT FOR HIM.
BUT AFTER A FEW
DAYS OF ENTERTAINING
AND BEING ENTERTAINED
BY THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW,
REVEREND MOTHER CALLED A
MEETING OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
SISTER BERTRILLE, H-HOW
LONG IS TEMPORARILY?
HE'S A VERY HARD
WORKER, REVEREND MOTHER.
ALL SORTS OF ODD JOBS.
NO ONE HAS TO ASK HIM.
HE'S A REAL EAGER BADGER.
THE CHILDREN LOVE HIM.
HE'S DEPENDING ON US.
WE CAN'T JUST TURN HIM OUT.
OH, DEAR.
I HAD HOPED THAT THE
INHERITANCE WOULD MEAN
A FEW ASSETS FOR THE CONVENT,
NOT AN ADDITIONAL LIABILITY.
MIKE IS AN ASSET.
AN UNEMPLOYED PUGILIST?
SUPPOSE SOMEONE
COULD GET HIM A JOB.
SOMEONE?
COOKIE?
YOU... YOU INHERITED
A PRIZEFIGHTER?
OOH.
IT MIGHT BE A GREAT IDEA.
IF ANYBODY EVER NEEDED A
FULLTIME BODYGUARD, IT'S YOU.
MAYBE NOW I DON'T HAVE
TO SPEND ALL MY TIME
TRYING TO GET YOU
OUT OF TROUBLE.
[sighing]
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
OH, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW?
I NEVER HEARD
OF HIM. LET ME SEE.
MAYBE HE'S NOT EVEN
HERE IN THIS BOOK.
OH, IT'S GOT TO BE THERE.
HE MUST BE A GOOD FIGHTER.
MR. PRYNNE NEVER BOUGHT
ANYTHING BUT THE BEST.
SERRANO, SETON, SEVRES.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
UH, "3 WINS IN 17 STARTS."
AND HE HASN'T HAD A
BOUT IN ALMOST 2 YEARS.
WELL, I'D GUESS HE'S LUCKY
TO END UP AS YOUR BODYGUARD.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO
KEEP HIM AS A BODYGUARD.
HE HAS A VERY HEARTY APPETITE.
WHY DON'T YOU SELL HIM?
SELL HIM?
IF YOU CAN FIND SOMEBODY DUMB
ENOUGH WHO WANTS TO BUY HIM.
WE CAN'T SELL HIM. WE
COULDN'T SELL ANYBODY.
WELL, GIVE HIM HIS FREEDOM.
LIKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
I DON'T WANT MY FREEDOM.
[children chattering] BUT YOU COULD
GET A MANAGER WHO KNOWS BOXING.
BUT I LIKE IT HERE.
I LIKE THE KIDS, AND I LIKE YOU
AND SISTER JACQUELINE, AND
SISTER SIXTO, AND REVEREND MOTHER.
AND I PROMISED
SISTER ANNA I-I-I'D BAKE
A DUTCH CHOCOLATE
CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
ARE YOU A FIGHTER OR AREN'T YOU?
SURE, I'M... I'M A FIGHTER.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING
PLAYING FOLLOW THE LEADER
AND BAKING DUTCH
CHOCOLATE CAKES?
A PRIZEFIGHTER'S
PLACE IS IN THE RING.
[sighing] YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THAT, SISTER.
UH, BUT FIRST, A FIGHTER'S
GOT TO GET IN SHAPE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME NOW, SISTER,
I PROMISED THE KIDS I'D TEACH
THEM HOW TO PLAY RED ROVER.
[inaudible]
I AM NOT ASSUMING
ANY RESPONSIBILITY.
WE'RE PREPARED TO GIVE
YOU 25% OF MIKE'S CONTRACT.
SISTER BERTRILLE, IN SCHOOL I
GOT MY BEST GRADES IN ARITHMETIC.
25% OF NOTHING IS NOTHING.
33-AND-A-THIRD.
NO.
EVEN 100% OF NOTHING
IS STILL NOTHING.
YOU ARE CAUGHT IN
YOUR BUFFALO BUZZSAW
AND YOU ARE NOT
DRAGGING ME IN WITH YOU.
AND THAT IS MY LAST WORD.
OK. THANKS ANYWAY.
BYE.
BYE.
HEY! YOU'RE GIVING UP?
I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT YOU TO
HELP US OUT THIS TIME, CARLOS.
BUT YOU NEVER GIVE UP.
MIKE'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY. I'LL
TRAIN HIM AND SET UP HIS FIGHTS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT TRAINING A BOXER?
NOTHING, BUT I'LL LEARN.
OH, YOU'LL LEARN? JUST LIKE
THAT, HUH? MMM-HMM. MMM-HMM.
WELL, BOXING IS A SCIENCE.
NOT SOMETHING YOU
LEARN OVERNIGHT. I KNOW.
I USED TO BE A PRETTY CLASSY
AMATEUR BOXER MYSELF.
WELL, I'LL JUST
DO THE BEST I CAN.
[sighing] YOU THINK YOU
CAN DO ANYTHING, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU THIS IS A TIME
YOU BETTER LET SOMEBODY
WITH EXPERIENCE TAKE OVER.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE, I'M RIGHT.
YEAH. YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.
SO LET'S GO TO THE CONVENT
AND MEET OUR NEW FIGHTER.
25%.
33-AND-A-THIRD.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE MIKE.
YOU'LL BE REALLY IMPRESSED.
WELL, I HOPE SO, AFTER ALL THE
MONEY I SPENT ON THIS EQUIPMENT.
HE'S GOT A GREAT PHYSIQUE.
AND PROBABLY THE ONLY REASON
HE HASN'T WON MORE FIGHTS
IS THAT HE NEVER HAD A
GOOD MANAGER AND TRAINER.
HI, WHERE'S MIKE?
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.
IN THE KITCHEN?
YES, FOOD'S HIS THING.
WELL, I'M GONNA PUT HIM
ON A VERY STRICT DIET.
[crashing]
MIKE?
(Mike) SHH.
I GOT A CHEESE
SOUFFLE IN THE OVEN.
WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.
(Jacqueline) WHILE SENOR
RAMIREZ OCCUPIED HIMSELF
WITH THE MORE DIFFICULT JOB OF
TRYING TO SET UP A FIGHT FOR MIKE,
HE DEPUTIZED SISTER BERTRILLE
TO LAUNCH THE TRAINING PROGRAM.
[children chattering]
OK, MIKE, LEFT, RIGHT.
RIGHT, LEFT. LEFT, RIGHT.
KEEP THAT RIGHT UP THERE GOING!
OK, IT FEELS A LITTLE
SLOW IN YOUR PUNCHES.
OK, MIKE, TAKE 1-2.
[girls chanting] HE SANG AND HE
SANG AND HE SANG SO SWEET.
ALONG CAME A PRETTY GIRL
AND KISSED HIM ON THE CHEEK.
HOW MANY KISSES
DID SHE GIVE HIM?
1, 2, 3, 4.
[children giggling]
SON OF A GUN.
(Bertrille) CIRCLE, DODGE.
DODGE, CIRCLE. ROUND.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
UH-HUH. UP, YEAH.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'VE GOT TO CHECK
MY BOUILLABAISSE.
[Bertrille yelling]
COME ON, MIKE,
YOU'RE DOGGING IT.
I'M DOING MY BEST.
COME ON, GET THOSE
LEGS UP HIGHER. HIGHER!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. NOTHING!
YOU, UH... YOU... RIGHT.
WHICH GOES TO SHOW
THAT NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE
IF YOU REALLY TRY. RIGHT?
SO I WANT YOU TO REALLY TRY
AND GET THOSE LEGS UP HIGHER. OK?
OK, SISTER. OK.
(Jacqueline) SISTER BERTRILLE'S
TRAINING PROGRAM PAID OFF.
[exclaiming]
WELL, DOESN'T HE LOOK GREAT?
(Carlos) OH, YEAH.
HE'S SHAPING UP.
YES, WELL, I THINK HE'S
GONE AS FAR AS HE CAN
WITH SHADOWBOXING
AND PUNCHING BAG.
WHAT HE NEEDS NOW
IS A SPARRING PARTNER.
SPARRING PARTNER?
LOOK, SISTER, I'M NOT
SPENDING ANY MORE MONEY
TO HIRE A SPARRING PARTNER.
YOU CAN'T TRAIN A FIGHTER
WITHOUT A SPARRING PARTNER,
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
ESPECIALLY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE,
A MAN WHO WAS A PRETTY
CLASSY BOXER HIMSELF.
WHY YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?
CARLOS, YOU DON'T NEED
TO HIRE A SPARRING PARTNER.
YOU CAN GO A FEW
ROUNDS WITH HIM YOURSELF.
ME? SPAR WITH MIKE?
SOMETIMES I THINK YOU
HAVE A DEATH WISH FOR ME.
WELL, YOU DID SAY YOU
WERE A CLASSY BOXER.
I TALK TOO MUCH.
WELL, MIKE CERTAINLY MOVES WELL.
HE MOVES, BUT ALWAYS IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION, AWAY.
YEAH, IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A WALTZING
CONTEST THAN A BOXING MATCH.
MOVE IN THERE, MIKE! LAY
A LITTLE LEATHER ON HIM!
DON'T HOLD BACK. I CAN
LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF.
(Mike) YOU'RE, UH,
YOU'RE TOO FAST FOR ME.
COME ON, TRY TO HIT ME. EVEN
WHEN I OPEN UP, YOU DON'T HIT ME.
YEAH. I'M SAVING MYSELF.
FOR CHRISTMAS?
COME ON HIT ME!
(Mike) DO I HAVE TO? YES.
THAT'S AN ORDER
FROM YOUR MANAGER.
HIT ME!
(Bertrille) OH, THAT
WAS WONDERFUL!
CARLOS, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, MIKE, THAT WAS
SO WONDERFUL. OH.
CARLOS, I'M SO SORRY.
MAN, WHAT A PUNCH. BOY, 1-2.
CARLOS, WASN'T THAT GREAT?
[panting] JUST GREAT.
I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
JUST ONE SUGGESTION.
YES, SENOR RAMIREZ?
WHEN YOU ARE IN THE RING,
DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE OTHER
GUY BEGS YOU TO HIT HIM.
HUH?
YOU GOT US A FIGHT?
ONE OF THE GUYS
WHO WAS SCHEDULED
FOR THE SEMI-FINALS
FRIDAY NIGHT, CANCELED OUT.
THEY NEEDED A QUICK REPLACEMENT,
SO I TALKED THEM
INTO TRYING MIKE.
THE CONTRACTS ARE ALREADY SIGNED
AND THE WEIGH-IN WILL
BE TOMORROW MORNING.
OH, WHO DOES HE
FIGHT? EL CARNICERO.
IS HE ANY GOOD?
UH, HE'S GOOD, BUT NOT TOO GOOD.
I THINK MIKE CAN HANDLE HIM.
I ALSO LET THE WORD LEAK OUT
THAT WE HAVE A
SENSATIONAL NEW BOY
WHO'S GOING TO
SURPRISE EVERYBODY.
WE CAN EXPECT AT LEAST A COUPLE
OF TOP PROMOTERS FROM MIAMI.
WITH A LITTLE LUCK, WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO UNLOAD MIKE'S CONTRACT.
OH, CARLOS, I DON'T KNOW HOW I
CAN THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
OH, IT'S NOTHING.
YOU JUST HAVE MIKE HERE
TOMORROW MORNING AT 10:30.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
HIM TO THE WEIGH-IN.
OH, YEAH, OK. HE'LL BE HERE.
BY THE WAY, I... I FORGOT,
WHAT DOES EL CARNICERO MEAN?
OH, THE BUTCHER.
[inaudible]
DOES MICHAEL KNOW
WHO HE IS GOING TO FIGHT?
A MAN BY THE NAME
OF EL CARNICERO.
EL CARNICERO? BUT THAT MEANS...
(Bertrille) WHAT'S IN A
NAME, REVEREND MOTHER?
CARLOS SAYS HE ISN'T TOO GOOD.
HAVE YOU TOLD MICHAEL?
NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
YET. I'LL TELL HIM AT LUNCH.
CARLOS SAYS THERE OUGHT TO BE A
COUPLE OF TOP PROMOTERS AT THE FIGHT
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO SELL
HIS CONTRACT TO ONE OF THEM.
THAT'S LOVELY.
YOU KNOW, I MUST
ADMIT, SISTER BERTRILLE,
THAT I WAS QUITE
SKEPTICAL AT FIRST.
OH, IT'LL TURN OUT GREAT FOR
EVERYONE, REVEREND MOTHER.
MIKE'LL HAVE A GOOD
MANAGER AND A GOOD HOME
AND WE SHOULD END
UP WITH ENOUGH MONEY
TO TAKE CARE OF THE
ELECTRICAL WIRING
AND MAYBE REPLACE
SOME OF THE PLUMBING.
MARVELOUS.
EXCUSE ME, REVEREND
MOTHER, BUT HE'S GONE.
WE LOOK LOW AND HIGH. YES.
WELL, MAYBE HE JUST
WENT INTO SAN JUAN.
HIS SUITCASE IS GONE.
MAYBE HE TOOK SOME POWDERS.
TOOK A POWDER.
UH, HAD YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE FIGHT, SISTER BERTRILLE?
(Bertrille) UH, NO, I EXPECTED
TO TELL HIM TODAY AT LUNCH.
OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. HE'S
SUPPOSED TO WEIGH-IN TOMORROW.
SENOR RAMIREZ HAS GONE TO SO
MUCH TROUBLE TO SET UP EVERYTHING
AND MEN COMING IN FROM MIAMI.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO FIND MIKE.
BUT WE HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE HE MIGHT HAVE GONE.
WE HAVE TILL 10:30
TOMORROW MORNING.
EXCUSE ME.
(Jacqueline) WHILE
SISTER SIXTO AND I
USED THE CONVENTIONAL
METHODS OF SEARCH,
SISTER BERTRILLE TURNED
TO AERIAL RECONNAISSANCE.
SISTER BERTRILLE KNEW
THAT MIKE HAD NO FRIENDS
IN PUERTO RICO EXCEPT US.
HE HAD NO MONEY, AND HE
HADN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST.
REMEMBERING THE
SIZE OF MIKE'S APPETITE,
SHE FINALLY GOT A FIX ON
WHERE SHE MIGHT FIND HIM.
UH, MIKE, WHY DID
YOU RUN OUT ON US?
NOW, LOOK, SISTER...
GEE, MIKE, WE TOOK YOU IN AND WE
WORKED WITH YOU, WE BELIEVED IN YOU
AND WHEN YOU FINALLY HAD A
CHANCE TO PROVE WE WERE RIGHT,
YOU DISAPPEAR.
MIKE, WE HAVE A FIGHT FOR YOU.
I HEARD YOU TELLING
THE REVEREND MOTHER.
YOU KNEW AND YOU
STILL WALKED OUT?
THAT'S WHY I WALKED OUT.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU
PEOPLE WERE DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, I FELT LIKE WE WERE
GOOD FRIENDS, ALMOST LIKE FAMILY.
BUT YOU WAS JUST BUILDING ME UP
SO AS YOU COULD PEDDLE
ME FOR A FEW BUCKS.
UNLOAD ME.
NO, MIKE. THAT'S
NOT TRUE AT ALL.
WHAT DID I EXPECT?
ANYTIME ANYBODY
EVER TREATED ME NICE...
I FOUND OUT SOONER OR LATER
IT WAS JUST SO AS THEY COULD
GET A BETTER PRICE FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, I-I'VE BEEN SOLD
AND TRADED SO MANY TIMES
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
HOW MANY MANAGERS I HAD.
ONE TIME, THEY EVEN TRADED
ME AS DOWN PAYMENT ON A HORSE.
A DOWN PAYMENT.
HONESTLY, MIKE, I ONLY
WANTED TO HELP YOU.
WE ALL DID.
THE ONLY REASON
WE SET UP THIS FIGHT
WAS TO TRY AND INTEREST
THE RIGHT MANAGER.
SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE
OF YOU, BUILD YOU UP.
MAYBE EVEN GIVE YOU A CHANCE
AT THAT BIG TITLE SOME DAY,
LIKE IN THE CLIPPING, YOU KNOW?
IF WE GOT ENOUGH
MONEY TO TAKE CARE
OF THAT OLD ELECTRICAL
WIRING SYSTEM, FINE.
BUT OUR MAIN CONCERN
WAS JUST TO DO
WHAT WE THOUGHT
WOULD BE BEST FOR YOU.
YEAH. THAT WIRING IS DANGEROUS.
I-IT OUGHT TO BE FIXED.
BUT, SISTER, FIGHTING
ISN'T WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.
I NEVER WANTED TO FIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT?
I HATE IT. I'M SCARED.
OH, NOT OF GETTING HURT MYSELF,
BUT... BUT OF HURTING THE OTHER GUY.
WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO HIT CARLOS.
I FEEL ROTTEN
WHEN I HIT ANYBODY.
NO WONDER YOU ONLY
WON 3 OUT OF 17 FIGHTS.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T HIT
BACK, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I JUST STAND
THERE AND I TAKE IT.
SOMETIMES IT GETS PRETTY BAD, LIKE
WHEN RINTY ROSE DID THIS TO MY NOSE.
AND VIC DELANEY
DID THAT TO MY EYE
BUT IT'S STILL A LOT
BETTER THAN HITTING THEM.
COULDN'T YOU GIVE
THEM THAT OLD 1-2 PUNCH?
I MEAN, CARLOS SAID
HE DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING
AND IT SEEMS LIKE A MORE
MERCIFUL WAY OUT, JUST 1-2.
SISTER, PLEASE. LET'S
NOT TALK ABOUT IT, HUH?
MIKE, IF YOU FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT IT
WHY DIDN'T YOU QUIT
FIGHTING A LONG TIME AGO?
GET SOME OTHER KIND OF A JOB?
[sighing] LIKE WHAT?
I NEVER EVEN
FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL.
I'M BIG AND I'M DUMB,
SO I END UP IN A RING.
AND EVEN THERE I'M NO GOOD.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WIRING.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE CONVENT SAN TANCO'S BEEN
AROUND FOR ABOUT 200 YEARS.
IT'LL SURVIVE FOR
ANOTHER 2 OR 3.
YEAH, BUT THE REVEREND
MOTHER'S GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED,
AND SENOR RAMIREZ.
DON'T WORRY. THINGS
WILL WORK OUT. OK?
OK.
(Jacqueline) IT WAS ALMOST
NOON THE NEXT DAY
BEFORE SISTER BERTRILLE WAS ABLE
TO GET THROUGH TO SENOR RAMIREZ.
CARLOS, HE CAN'T FIGHT.
OF COURSE, HE'S GOING TO FIGHT.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO. HE HATES
IT. HE EXPLAINED IT ALL TO ME.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO CANCEL
HIM OUT OR SOMETHING.
HE WEIGHED IN 30 MINUTES
AGO AND HE LOOKS GREAT.
MIKE WEIGHED IN? YES.
I WONDERED WHERE HE
WENT SO EARLY THIS MORNING.
BUT WE CAN'T LET HIM
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE WANTS TO.
WHERE IS HE NOW?
I PROMISED NOT TO TELL YOU.
CARLOS, HE WON'T HIT BACK.
HE'LL JUST STAND THERE
AND LET EL CARNICERO
BEAT HIM TO A PULP,
AND WHAT FOR?
WELL, HE WANTS TO DO IT FOR
YOU AND THE OTHER SISTERS.
OH.
YOU WANT ME TO
GET TICKETS FOR YOU?
NO.
WELL, YOU CAN WATCH ON THE
TELEVISION SET I GAVE TO THE CONVENT.
POOR MIKE.
(male announcer on T.V.) CERTAINLY,
THERE'S BEEN ACTION FOR THIS CROWD
WITH ONE KNOCKOUT SO FAR
IN THE 3 BOUTS WE'VE SEEN.
BUT NOW, WE'RE READY FOR
THE SEMI-WINDUP OF THE EVENING
AND THIS BRINGS
ON EL CARNICERO...
AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO WATCH?
I CAN'T BEAR IT.
MMM. THERE'S MIKE.
I'M PRAYING FOR HIM.
OH, NO.
OF ALL THE TIMES.
(Rev. Mother) OH, DEAR.
(Jacqueline) I'LL
FIX IT. I'LL FIX IT.
THERE! OH.
OH.
(Sixto) COME ON. COME ON.
[crowd cheering]
DID YOU SEE THAT?
NO, WE DIDN'T. NO, WE
DIDN'T. WHAT HAPPENED?
1-2. JUST 1-2 AND EL CARNICERO
WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
[all exclaiming]
MIKE WON!
THIS HAS TO BE THE
SHORTEST FIGHT ON RECORD
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT WHEN
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW
DELIVERED THAT 1-2 PUNCH, I ACTUALLY
THOUGHT HE HAD HIS EYES CLOSED.
[all cheering]
YEAH. I NEVER COULD HAVE DONE IT
EXCEPT FOR THINKING
ABOUT ALL OF YOU BACK HERE.
I TALKED TO EL CARNICERO
AFTERWARDS, SISTER.
HE SAID HE NEVER FELT A THING.
OH, HERE'S YOUR SHARE OF
THE PURSE, REVEREND MOTHER.
(Rev. Mother) THANK YOU, SENOR.
ALSO, WE HAVE 3 FIRM
OFFERS FOR MIKE'S CONTRACT.
WE CAN PLAY THEM OFF
AGAINST EACH OTHER.
I, UH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE
MY SHARE OF THE PURSE, TOO.
UH, USE IT TO FIX THE WIRING.
(Rev. Mother) THANK
YOU, MICHAEL.
OH, MIKE, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.
ISN'T THAT NICE OF HIM, CARLOS?
VERY NICE. OH,
HERE'S MY SHARE, TOO.
[chuckling] WELL,
THANK YOU, SENOR.
THANK YOU.
THEN MAYBE THE NEXT TIME MIKE
FIGHTS OUR T.V. SET WON'T GO...
OH, I PROMISED THESE 3 PARTIES.
HOW MUCH YOU'RE ASKING
FOR MIKE'S CONTRACT?
UH, SENOR RAMIREZ,
WE HAVE DECIDED
NOT TO SELL MICHAEL'S CONTRACT.
BUT THE WHOLE PURPOSE
OF THE FIGHT WAS...
WE'RE GIVING MIKE HIS CONTRACT.
HE CAN NEGOTIATE FOR HIMSELF.
THANK YOU.
ALL OF YOU.
OK, WHAT'S YOUR PRICE?
I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU.
FOR ME? HUH. BUT I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN HANDLING A FIGHTER.
OH, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A
FIGHTER. HE'S RETIRING FROM THE RING.
YEAH. I WANT TO BE A
CHEF IN YOUR RESTAURANT.
A CHEF?
HE'S THE GREATEST.
SOUFFLES, BOUILLABAISSE,
THE CREPES SUZETTES.
MY FATHER WAS FRENCH.
AND HE WHIPS UP A GREAT IRISH
STEW. AT LEAST, GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
CARLOS, YOU CAN TRADE IN THE
PUNCHING BAG AND THE GLOVES
FOR A CHEF'S OUTFIT AND
SOME SOUFFLE DISHES.
CARLOS, HAVE I EVER
ASKED YOU TO DO ANYTHING
YOU EVER HAD ANY
REASON TO REGRET?
LET'S GO, OR SHE'LL TALK YOU OUT
OF THE JOB, EVEN BEFORE I HIRE YOU.
BYE. THANKS.
BYE.
(Jacqueline) GREAT EXCITEMENT
AT CONVENT SAN TANCO.
C. EVERETT PRYNNE, THE LATE
SPORTSMAN AND WORLD TRAVELER
HAD NAMED OUR CONVENT
SOLE HEIR TO HIS ESTATE.
WELL, NOW, SISTERS,
MR. BRAGEN IS HERE THIS EVENING
TO GIVE US THE DETAILS
OF MR. PRYNNE'S LEGACY.
BUT, UH, FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD
LIKE TO SAY A WORD OF APPRECIATION
TO ONE OF THE
MEMBERS OF OUR ORDER
WHO MADE MR. PRYNNE
FEEL SO KINDLY
TOWARD THE CONVENT SAN TANCO.
SISTER BERTRILLE.
MR. PRYNNE WAS ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN WHAT WAS HAPPENING
AT THE CONVENT
IN WHAT WE WERE
DOING AND TRYING TO DO.
BUT I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS
GONNA MAKE US HIS HEIRS.
(Rev. Mother) HIS
GENEROSITY IS...
WELL, IT'S... IT'S LIKE AN
ANSWER TO OUR PRAYERS.
UH, WE HAVE SO
MANY PRESSING NEEDS.
(Bertrille) LIKE THE
ELECTRICAL WIRING.
[banging on wall]
UM, WELL, NOW,
WE MUST NOT TAKE UP ANY
MORE OF MR. BRAGEN'S TIME.
[clears throat]
(Bragen) UH, REVEREND
MOTHER, SISTERS,
THE CONVENT IS HEIR
TO THE PRYNNE ESTATE.
HOWEVER, MR. PRYNNE
WAS A SPORTSMAN
IN EVERY SENSE OF THAT WORD
AND UNFORTUNATELY, LEFT A GREAT
MANY, UH, AHEM, GAMBLING DEBTS.
NOW, THOSE DEBTS IN ADDITION TO
FEDERAL ESTATE TAX,
DEATH TAX, PROBATE
AND, UH, AHEM, GENERAL
ADMINISTRATIVE EXPENSES
HAVE GREATLY REDUCED THE ESTATE.
OH.
I SEE.
IN FACT, THE... THE ONLY
THING THAT'S LEFT IS THIS.
THE CONTRACT ON
THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
WHAT IS A BUFFALO BUZZSAW?
UH, NOT "WHAT," REVEREND
MOTHER, BUT "WHO."
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
HI.
HE'S A PRIZEFIGHTER.
(Mike) THAT'S RIGHT, SISTER.
YOU'LL SEE IN THOSE
ATTACHED CLIPPINGS
THAT MIKE HAS
EVERY QUALIFICATION
TO BE A... A LEADING CONTENDER
FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
A PRIZEFIGHTER?
UH, WE CANNOT
OWN A PRIZEFIGHTER.
OH, BUT, REVEREND
MOTHER, YOU DO.
(Jacqueline) AFTER
THE INITIAL SHOCK
OF INHERITING A
PUGILIST HAD WORN OFF
IT QUICKLY BECAME CLEAR
THERE WAS ONLY ONE SOLUTION.
WE OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T HAVE A
PRIZEFIGHTER AT CONVENT SAN TANCO.
IT WAS OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MIKE SEVRE MUST GO.
THAT WAS APPARENT TO EVERYONE
EXCEPT THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
GO? GO WHERE?
HOME.
OH, THIS IS MY HOME.
YOU JUST CAN'T
STAY HERE, MR. SEVRE.
CALL ME MIKE.
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
(Bertrille) SISTER BERTRILLE.
BUT, MR. SEVRE... UH, MIKE,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR US TO OWN YOU.
OH, WELL, EVERYTHING
IS LEGAL. I'M YOURS.
BUT THERE'S NO PLACE
FOR YOU TO STAY HERE.
OH, WELL, HEY, I'M
NOT HARD TO PLEASE.
BESIDES, I AIN'T GOT
NO PLACE ELSE TO GO.
OH, THERE ARE, UH,
LOTS OF NICE HOTELS.
SEE THAT?
53 CENTS.
THOSE ARE MY WORLDLY GOODS.
PERHAPS IF YOU
TELEGRAPHED A FRIEND...
WELL, THERE'S NOBODY
ELSE, EXCEPT YOU LADIES.
UH, SISTERS.
[sighing] I, UH... TSK.
WELL, I GUESS I
COULD SLEEP OUTSIDE.
I MEAN, IT DON'T GET COLD
LIKE IT DOES IN BUFFALO.
AND OUT THERE IN THE JUNGLE, I... I
SUPPOSE I COULD GET BY ON WILD FRUIT.
BERRIES, STUFF LIKE THAT.
OH, THERE'S A WILD BANANA
GROVE ABOUT 10 MILES FROM HERE.
UH, NORTH.
THANKS.
REVEREND MOTHER, THE
GARDENER'S COTTAGE IS EMPTY.
SISTER BERTRILLE...
WE DO OWN HIM, TEMPORARILY.
MR. SEVRE.
WELCOME TO SAN TANCO.
[chuckling] THANK YOU.
(Jacqueline) SO, OUR PRIZEFIGHTER
MOVED INTO THE GARDENER'S COTTAGE
TEMPORARILY.
AS HE SAID, HE WASN'T
HARD TO PLEASE.
AND HE WAS CHARMING.
INDUSTRIOUS.
WONDERFUL WITH THE CHILDREN.
AND A GREAT COOK.
WE WERE ALL SKEPTICAL AT FIRST.
HE INSISTED ON PREPARING A
SPECIAL MEAL AND SHARING IT WITH US.
50 PERCENT FOR US,
50 PERCENT FOR HIM.
BUT AFTER A FEW
DAYS OF ENTERTAINING
AND BEING ENTERTAINED
BY THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW,
REVEREND MOTHER CALLED A
MEETING OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
SISTER BERTRILLE, H-HOW
LONG IS TEMPORARILY?
HE'S A VERY HARD
WORKER, REVEREND MOTHER.
ALL SORTS OF ODD JOBS.
NO ONE HAS TO ASK HIM.
HE'S A REAL EAGER BADGER.
THE CHILDREN LOVE HIM.
HE'S DEPENDING ON US.
WE CAN'T JUST TURN HIM OUT.
OH, DEAR.
I HAD HOPED THAT THE
INHERITANCE WOULD MEAN
A FEW ASSETS FOR THE CONVENT,
NOT AN ADDITIONAL LIABILITY.
MIKE IS AN ASSET.
AN UNEMPLOYED PUGILIST?
SUPPOSE SOMEONE
COULD GET HIM A JOB.
SOMEONE?
COOKIE?
YOU... YOU INHERITED
A PRIZEFIGHTER?
OOH.
IT MIGHT BE A GREAT IDEA.
IF ANYBODY EVER NEEDED A
FULLTIME BODYGUARD, IT'S YOU.
MAYBE NOW I DON'T HAVE
TO SPEND ALL MY TIME
TRYING TO GET YOU
OUT OF TROUBLE.
[sighing]
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW.
OH, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW?
I NEVER HEARD
OF HIM. LET ME SEE.
MAYBE HE'S NOT EVEN
HERE IN THIS BOOK.
OH, IT'S GOT TO BE THERE.
HE MUST BE A GOOD FIGHTER.
MR. PRYNNE NEVER BOUGHT
ANYTHING BUT THE BEST.
SERRANO, SETON, SEVRES.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
UH, "3 WINS IN 17 STARTS."
AND HE HASN'T HAD A
BOUT IN ALMOST 2 YEARS.
WELL, I'D GUESS HE'S LUCKY
TO END UP AS YOUR BODYGUARD.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO
KEEP HIM AS A BODYGUARD.
HE HAS A VERY HEARTY APPETITE.
WHY DON'T YOU SELL HIM?
SELL HIM?
IF YOU CAN FIND SOMEBODY DUMB
ENOUGH WHO WANTS TO BUY HIM.
WE CAN'T SELL HIM. WE
COULDN'T SELL ANYBODY.
WELL, GIVE HIM HIS FREEDOM.
LIKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
I DON'T WANT MY FREEDOM.
[children chattering] BUT YOU COULD
GET A MANAGER WHO KNOWS BOXING.
BUT I LIKE IT HERE.
I LIKE THE KIDS, AND I LIKE YOU
AND SISTER JACQUELINE, AND
SISTER SIXTO, AND REVEREND MOTHER.
AND I PROMISED
SISTER ANNA I-I-I'D BAKE
A DUTCH CHOCOLATE
CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
ARE YOU A FIGHTER OR AREN'T YOU?
SURE, I'M... I'M A FIGHTER.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING
PLAYING FOLLOW THE LEADER
AND BAKING DUTCH
CHOCOLATE CAKES?
A PRIZEFIGHTER'S
PLACE IS IN THE RING.
[sighing] YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT THAT, SISTER.
UH, BUT FIRST, A FIGHTER'S
GOT TO GET IN SHAPE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME NOW, SISTER,
I PROMISED THE KIDS I'D TEACH
THEM HOW TO PLAY RED ROVER.
[inaudible]
I AM NOT ASSUMING
ANY RESPONSIBILITY.
WE'RE PREPARED TO GIVE
YOU 25% OF MIKE'S CONTRACT.
SISTER BERTRILLE, IN SCHOOL I
GOT MY BEST GRADES IN ARITHMETIC.
25% OF NOTHING IS NOTHING.
33-AND-A-THIRD.
NO.
EVEN 100% OF NOTHING
IS STILL NOTHING.
YOU ARE CAUGHT IN
YOUR BUFFALO BUZZSAW
AND YOU ARE NOT
DRAGGING ME IN WITH YOU.
AND THAT IS MY LAST WORD.
OK. THANKS ANYWAY.
BYE.
BYE.
HEY! YOU'RE GIVING UP?
I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT YOU TO
HELP US OUT THIS TIME, CARLOS.
BUT YOU NEVER GIVE UP.
MIKE'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY. I'LL
TRAIN HIM AND SET UP HIS FIGHTS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT TRAINING A BOXER?
NOTHING, BUT I'LL LEARN.
OH, YOU'LL LEARN? JUST LIKE
THAT, HUH? MMM-HMM. MMM-HMM.
WELL, BOXING IS A SCIENCE.
NOT SOMETHING YOU
LEARN OVERNIGHT. I KNOW.
I USED TO BE A PRETTY CLASSY
AMATEUR BOXER MYSELF.
WELL, I'LL JUST
DO THE BEST I CAN.
[sighing] YOU THINK YOU
CAN DO ANYTHING, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU THIS IS A TIME
YOU BETTER LET SOMEBODY
WITH EXPERIENCE TAKE OVER.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OF COURSE, I'M RIGHT.
YEAH. YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.
SO LET'S GO TO THE CONVENT
AND MEET OUR NEW FIGHTER.
25%.
33-AND-A-THIRD.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE MIKE.
YOU'LL BE REALLY IMPRESSED.
WELL, I HOPE SO, AFTER ALL THE
MONEY I SPENT ON THIS EQUIPMENT.
HE'S GOT A GREAT PHYSIQUE.
AND PROBABLY THE ONLY REASON
HE HASN'T WON MORE FIGHTS
IS THAT HE NEVER HAD A
GOOD MANAGER AND TRAINER.
HI, WHERE'S MIKE?
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.
IN THE KITCHEN?
YES, FOOD'S HIS THING.
WELL, I'M GONNA PUT HIM
ON A VERY STRICT DIET.
[crashing]
MIKE?
(Mike) SHH.
I GOT A CHEESE
SOUFFLE IN THE OVEN.
WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.
(Jacqueline) WHILE SENOR
RAMIREZ OCCUPIED HIMSELF
WITH THE MORE DIFFICULT JOB OF
TRYING TO SET UP A FIGHT FOR MIKE,
HE DEPUTIZED SISTER BERTRILLE
TO LAUNCH THE TRAINING PROGRAM.
[children chattering]
OK, MIKE, LEFT, RIGHT.
RIGHT, LEFT. LEFT, RIGHT.
KEEP THAT RIGHT UP THERE GOING!
OK, IT FEELS A LITTLE
SLOW IN YOUR PUNCHES.
OK, MIKE, TAKE 1-2.
[girls chanting] HE SANG AND HE
SANG AND HE SANG SO SWEET.
ALONG CAME A PRETTY GIRL
AND KISSED HIM ON THE CHEEK.
HOW MANY KISSES
DID SHE GIVE HIM?
1, 2, 3, 4.
[children giggling]
SON OF A GUN.
(Bertrille) CIRCLE, DODGE.
DODGE, CIRCLE. ROUND.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
UH-HUH. UP, YEAH.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'VE GOT TO CHECK
MY BOUILLABAISSE.
[Bertrille yelling]
COME ON, MIKE,
YOU'RE DOGGING IT.
I'M DOING MY BEST.
COME ON, GET THOSE
LEGS UP HIGHER. HIGHER!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. NOTHING!
YOU, UH... YOU... RIGHT.
WHICH GOES TO SHOW
THAT NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE
IF YOU REALLY TRY. RIGHT?
SO I WANT YOU TO REALLY TRY
AND GET THOSE LEGS UP HIGHER. OK?
OK, SISTER. OK.
(Jacqueline) SISTER BERTRILLE'S
TRAINING PROGRAM PAID OFF.
[exclaiming]
WELL, DOESN'T HE LOOK GREAT?
(Carlos) OH, YEAH.
HE'S SHAPING UP.
YES, WELL, I THINK HE'S
GONE AS FAR AS HE CAN
WITH SHADOWBOXING
AND PUNCHING BAG.
WHAT HE NEEDS NOW
IS A SPARRING PARTNER.
SPARRING PARTNER?
LOOK, SISTER, I'M NOT
SPENDING ANY MORE MONEY
TO HIRE A SPARRING PARTNER.
YOU CAN'T TRAIN A FIGHTER
WITHOUT A SPARRING PARTNER,
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
ESPECIALLY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE,
A MAN WHO WAS A PRETTY
CLASSY BOXER HIMSELF.
WHY YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?
CARLOS, YOU DON'T NEED
TO HIRE A SPARRING PARTNER.
YOU CAN GO A FEW
ROUNDS WITH HIM YOURSELF.
ME? SPAR WITH MIKE?
SOMETIMES I THINK YOU
HAVE A DEATH WISH FOR ME.
WELL, YOU DID SAY YOU
WERE A CLASSY BOXER.
I TALK TOO MUCH.
WELL, MIKE CERTAINLY MOVES WELL.
HE MOVES, BUT ALWAYS IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION, AWAY.
YEAH, IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A WALTZING
CONTEST THAN A BOXING MATCH.
MOVE IN THERE, MIKE! LAY
A LITTLE LEATHER ON HIM!
DON'T HOLD BACK. I CAN
LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF.
(Mike) YOU'RE, UH,
YOU'RE TOO FAST FOR ME.
COME ON, TRY TO HIT ME. EVEN
WHEN I OPEN UP, YOU DON'T HIT ME.
YEAH. I'M SAVING MYSELF.
FOR CHRISTMAS?
COME ON HIT ME!
(Mike) DO I HAVE TO? YES.
THAT'S AN ORDER
FROM YOUR MANAGER.
HIT ME!
(Bertrille) OH, THAT
WAS WONDERFUL!
CARLOS, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, MIKE, THAT WAS
SO WONDERFUL. OH.
CARLOS, I'M SO SORRY.
MAN, WHAT A PUNCH. BOY, 1-2.
CARLOS, WASN'T THAT GREAT?
[panting] JUST GREAT.
I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
JUST ONE SUGGESTION.
YES, SENOR RAMIREZ?
WHEN YOU ARE IN THE RING,
DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE OTHER
GUY BEGS YOU TO HIT HIM.
HUH?
YOU GOT US A FIGHT?
ONE OF THE GUYS
WHO WAS SCHEDULED
FOR THE SEMI-FINALS
FRIDAY NIGHT, CANCELED OUT.
THEY NEEDED A QUICK REPLACEMENT,
SO I TALKED THEM
INTO TRYING MIKE.
THE CONTRACTS ARE ALREADY SIGNED
AND THE WEIGH-IN WILL
BE TOMORROW MORNING.
OH, WHO DOES HE
FIGHT? EL CARNICERO.
IS HE ANY GOOD?
UH, HE'S GOOD, BUT NOT TOO GOOD.
I THINK MIKE CAN HANDLE HIM.
I ALSO LET THE WORD LEAK OUT
THAT WE HAVE A
SENSATIONAL NEW BOY
WHO'S GOING TO
SURPRISE EVERYBODY.
WE CAN EXPECT AT LEAST A COUPLE
OF TOP PROMOTERS FROM MIAMI.
WITH A LITTLE LUCK, WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO UNLOAD MIKE'S CONTRACT.
OH, CARLOS, I DON'T KNOW HOW I
CAN THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
OH, IT'S NOTHING.
YOU JUST HAVE MIKE HERE
TOMORROW MORNING AT 10:30.
I'M GOING TO TAKE
HIM TO THE WEIGH-IN.
OH, YEAH, OK. HE'LL BE HERE.
BY THE WAY, I... I FORGOT,
WHAT DOES EL CARNICERO MEAN?
OH, THE BUTCHER.
[inaudible]
DOES MICHAEL KNOW
WHO HE IS GOING TO FIGHT?
A MAN BY THE NAME
OF EL CARNICERO.
EL CARNICERO? BUT THAT MEANS...
(Bertrille) WHAT'S IN A
NAME, REVEREND MOTHER?
CARLOS SAYS HE ISN'T TOO GOOD.
HAVE YOU TOLD MICHAEL?
NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
YET. I'LL TELL HIM AT LUNCH.
CARLOS SAYS THERE OUGHT TO BE A
COUPLE OF TOP PROMOTERS AT THE FIGHT
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO SELL
HIS CONTRACT TO ONE OF THEM.
THAT'S LOVELY.
YOU KNOW, I MUST
ADMIT, SISTER BERTRILLE,
THAT I WAS QUITE
SKEPTICAL AT FIRST.
OH, IT'LL TURN OUT GREAT FOR
EVERYONE, REVEREND MOTHER.
MIKE'LL HAVE A GOOD
MANAGER AND A GOOD HOME
AND WE SHOULD END
UP WITH ENOUGH MONEY
TO TAKE CARE OF THE
ELECTRICAL WIRING
AND MAYBE REPLACE
SOME OF THE PLUMBING.
MARVELOUS.
EXCUSE ME, REVEREND
MOTHER, BUT HE'S GONE.
WE LOOK LOW AND HIGH. YES.
WELL, MAYBE HE JUST
WENT INTO SAN JUAN.
HIS SUITCASE IS GONE.
MAYBE HE TOOK SOME POWDERS.
TOOK A POWDER.
UH, HAD YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE FIGHT, SISTER BERTRILLE?
(Bertrille) UH, NO, I EXPECTED
TO TELL HIM TODAY AT LUNCH.
OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. HE'S
SUPPOSED TO WEIGH-IN TOMORROW.
SENOR RAMIREZ HAS GONE TO SO
MUCH TROUBLE TO SET UP EVERYTHING
AND MEN COMING IN FROM MIAMI.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO FIND MIKE.
BUT WE HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE HE MIGHT HAVE GONE.
WE HAVE TILL 10:30
TOMORROW MORNING.
EXCUSE ME.
(Jacqueline) WHILE
SISTER SIXTO AND I
USED THE CONVENTIONAL
METHODS OF SEARCH,
SISTER BERTRILLE TURNED
TO AERIAL RECONNAISSANCE.
SISTER BERTRILLE KNEW
THAT MIKE HAD NO FRIENDS
IN PUERTO RICO EXCEPT US.
HE HAD NO MONEY, AND HE
HADN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST.
REMEMBERING THE
SIZE OF MIKE'S APPETITE,
SHE FINALLY GOT A FIX ON
WHERE SHE MIGHT FIND HIM.
UH, MIKE, WHY DID
YOU RUN OUT ON US?
NOW, LOOK, SISTER...
GEE, MIKE, WE TOOK YOU IN AND WE
WORKED WITH YOU, WE BELIEVED IN YOU
AND WHEN YOU FINALLY HAD A
CHANCE TO PROVE WE WERE RIGHT,
YOU DISAPPEAR.
MIKE, WE HAVE A FIGHT FOR YOU.
I HEARD YOU TELLING
THE REVEREND MOTHER.
YOU KNEW AND YOU
STILL WALKED OUT?
THAT'S WHY I WALKED OUT.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU
PEOPLE WERE DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, I FELT LIKE WE WERE
GOOD FRIENDS, ALMOST LIKE FAMILY.
BUT YOU WAS JUST BUILDING ME UP
SO AS YOU COULD PEDDLE
ME FOR A FEW BUCKS.
UNLOAD ME.
NO, MIKE. THAT'S
NOT TRUE AT ALL.
WHAT DID I EXPECT?
ANYTIME ANYBODY
EVER TREATED ME NICE...
I FOUND OUT SOONER OR LATER
IT WAS JUST SO AS THEY COULD
GET A BETTER PRICE FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, I-I'VE BEEN SOLD
AND TRADED SO MANY TIMES
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
HOW MANY MANAGERS I HAD.
ONE TIME, THEY EVEN TRADED
ME AS DOWN PAYMENT ON A HORSE.
A DOWN PAYMENT.
HONESTLY, MIKE, I ONLY
WANTED TO HELP YOU.
WE ALL DID.
THE ONLY REASON
WE SET UP THIS FIGHT
WAS TO TRY AND INTEREST
THE RIGHT MANAGER.
SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE
OF YOU, BUILD YOU UP.
MAYBE EVEN GIVE YOU A CHANCE
AT THAT BIG TITLE SOME DAY,
LIKE IN THE CLIPPING, YOU KNOW?
IF WE GOT ENOUGH
MONEY TO TAKE CARE
OF THAT OLD ELECTRICAL
WIRING SYSTEM, FINE.
BUT OUR MAIN CONCERN
WAS JUST TO DO
WHAT WE THOUGHT
WOULD BE BEST FOR YOU.
YEAH. THAT WIRING IS DANGEROUS.
I-IT OUGHT TO BE FIXED.
BUT, SISTER, FIGHTING
ISN'T WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.
I NEVER WANTED TO FIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT?
I HATE IT. I'M SCARED.
OH, NOT OF GETTING HURT MYSELF,
BUT... BUT OF HURTING THE OTHER GUY.
WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO HIT CARLOS.
I FEEL ROTTEN
WHEN I HIT ANYBODY.
NO WONDER YOU ONLY
WON 3 OUT OF 17 FIGHTS.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T HIT
BACK, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I JUST STAND
THERE AND I TAKE IT.
SOMETIMES IT GETS PRETTY BAD, LIKE
WHEN RINTY ROSE DID THIS TO MY NOSE.
AND VIC DELANEY
DID THAT TO MY EYE
BUT IT'S STILL A LOT
BETTER THAN HITTING THEM.
COULDN'T YOU GIVE
THEM THAT OLD 1-2 PUNCH?
I MEAN, CARLOS SAID
HE DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING
AND IT SEEMS LIKE A MORE
MERCIFUL WAY OUT, JUST 1-2.
SISTER, PLEASE. LET'S
NOT TALK ABOUT IT, HUH?
MIKE, IF YOU FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT IT
WHY DIDN'T YOU QUIT
FIGHTING A LONG TIME AGO?
GET SOME OTHER KIND OF A JOB?
[sighing] LIKE WHAT?
I NEVER EVEN
FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL.
I'M BIG AND I'M DUMB,
SO I END UP IN A RING.
AND EVEN THERE I'M NO GOOD.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WIRING.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE CONVENT SAN TANCO'S BEEN
AROUND FOR ABOUT 200 YEARS.
IT'LL SURVIVE FOR
ANOTHER 2 OR 3.
YEAH, BUT THE REVEREND
MOTHER'S GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED,
AND SENOR RAMIREZ.
DON'T WORRY. THINGS
WILL WORK OUT. OK?
OK.
(Jacqueline) IT WAS ALMOST
NOON THE NEXT DAY
BEFORE SISTER BERTRILLE WAS ABLE
TO GET THROUGH TO SENOR RAMIREZ.
CARLOS, HE CAN'T FIGHT.
OF COURSE, HE'S GOING TO FIGHT.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO. HE HATES
IT. HE EXPLAINED IT ALL TO ME.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO CANCEL
HIM OUT OR SOMETHING.
HE WEIGHED IN 30 MINUTES
AGO AND HE LOOKS GREAT.
MIKE WEIGHED IN? YES.
I WONDERED WHERE HE
WENT SO EARLY THIS MORNING.
BUT WE CAN'T LET HIM
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE WANTS TO.
WHERE IS HE NOW?
I PROMISED NOT TO TELL YOU.
CARLOS, HE WON'T HIT BACK.
HE'LL JUST STAND THERE
AND LET EL CARNICERO
BEAT HIM TO A PULP,
AND WHAT FOR?
WELL, HE WANTS TO DO IT FOR
YOU AND THE OTHER SISTERS.
OH.
YOU WANT ME TO
GET TICKETS FOR YOU?
NO.
WELL, YOU CAN WATCH ON THE
TELEVISION SET I GAVE TO THE CONVENT.
POOR MIKE.
(male announcer on T.V.) CERTAINLY,
THERE'S BEEN ACTION FOR THIS CROWD
WITH ONE KNOCKOUT SO FAR
IN THE 3 BOUTS WE'VE SEEN.
BUT NOW, WE'RE READY FOR
THE SEMI-WINDUP OF THE EVENING
AND THIS BRINGS
ON EL CARNICERO...
AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO WATCH?
I CAN'T BEAR IT.
MMM. THERE'S MIKE.
I'M PRAYING FOR HIM.
OH, NO.
OF ALL THE TIMES.
(Rev. Mother) OH, DEAR.
(Jacqueline) I'LL
FIX IT. I'LL FIX IT.
THERE! OH.
OH.
(Sixto) COME ON. COME ON.
[crowd cheering]
DID YOU SEE THAT?
NO, WE DIDN'T. NO, WE
DIDN'T. WHAT HAPPENED?
1-2. JUST 1-2 AND EL CARNICERO
WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
[all exclaiming]
MIKE WON!
THIS HAS TO BE THE
SHORTEST FIGHT ON RECORD
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT WHEN
MIKE SEVRE, THE BUFFALO BUZZSAW
DELIVERED THAT 1-2 PUNCH, I ACTUALLY
THOUGHT HE HAD HIS EYES CLOSED.
[all cheering]
YEAH. I NEVER COULD HAVE DONE IT
EXCEPT FOR THINKING
ABOUT ALL OF YOU BACK HERE.
I TALKED TO EL CARNICERO
AFTERWARDS, SISTER.
HE SAID HE NEVER FELT A THING.
OH, HERE'S YOUR SHARE OF
THE PURSE, REVEREND MOTHER.
(Rev. Mother) THANK YOU, SENOR.
ALSO, WE HAVE 3 FIRM
OFFERS FOR MIKE'S CONTRACT.
WE CAN PLAY THEM OFF
AGAINST EACH OTHER.
I, UH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE
MY SHARE OF THE PURSE, TOO.
UH, USE IT TO FIX THE WIRING.
(Rev. Mother) THANK
YOU, MICHAEL.
OH, MIKE, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.
ISN'T THAT NICE OF HIM, CARLOS?
VERY NICE. OH,
HERE'S MY SHARE, TOO.
[chuckling] WELL,
THANK YOU, SENOR.
THANK YOU.
THEN MAYBE THE NEXT TIME MIKE
FIGHTS OUR T.V. SET WON'T GO...
OH, I PROMISED THESE 3 PARTIES.
HOW MUCH YOU'RE ASKING
FOR MIKE'S CONTRACT?
UH, SENOR RAMIREZ,
WE HAVE DECIDED
NOT TO SELL MICHAEL'S CONTRACT.
BUT THE WHOLE PURPOSE
OF THE FIGHT WAS...
WE'RE GIVING MIKE HIS CONTRACT.
HE CAN NEGOTIATE FOR HIMSELF.
THANK YOU.
ALL OF YOU.
OK, WHAT'S YOUR PRICE?
I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU.
FOR ME? HUH. BUT I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN HANDLING A FIGHTER.
OH, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE A
FIGHTER. HE'S RETIRING FROM THE RING.
YEAH. I WANT TO BE A
CHEF IN YOUR RESTAURANT.
A CHEF?
HE'S THE GREATEST.
SOUFFLES, BOUILLABAISSE,
THE CREPES SUZETTES.
MY FATHER WAS FRENCH.
AND HE WHIPS UP A GREAT IRISH
STEW. AT LEAST, GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
CARLOS, YOU CAN TRADE IN THE
PUNCHING BAG AND THE GLOVES
FOR A CHEF'S OUTFIT AND
SOME SOUFFLE DISHES.
CARLOS, HAVE I EVER
ASKED YOU TO DO ANYTHING
YOU EVER HAD ANY
REASON TO REGRET?
LET'S GO, OR SHE'LL TALK YOU OUT
OF THE JOB, EVEN BEFORE I HIRE YOU.
BYE. THANKS.
BYE.