The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Soft Touchables - full transcript

Moonlighting private detectives Fred and Barney are misled by a sexy prospect into a dangerous scheme.

Flintstone and Rubble
capture bank robbers.

Ha ha. How about that?

Oh, boy, this publicity's
worth millions.

Our detective agency
will be swamped with business.

They'll be standing in line
outside my door.

[Fred laughs]

You mean,
my door, Fred.


The door leading
to the Wilma Flintstone

and Betty Rubble
Detective Agency.

[theme music]

[blows whistle]

[siren blaring]

[tires squealing]

[music continues]



"F. Flintstone
part-time private eye."

"B. Rubble likewise."

'"Office hours after dinner."'

Hey, what's the use of having
a sign on a door, Fred?

We don't do any business.

Will you take it easy, Barney?
I'm trying to read.

Boy, what some crooks
won't think of.

Did you all read this article
about Gus Granite

public enemy number one?

Sit down and relax, Barney.

You're making me nervous.

Sit where, Fred?

The finance company took back
all our furniture, remember?

Ah, we'll get it back, partner.

As soon as we land
our first case.

Yeah, but when will that be?

We've been in the private eye
racket for three weeks now

and the only one
that came through the door

was a drunk driver.

Yeah, I thought for a minute
we had a client.

Till he drove right by,
and out the window.

Anyway, guess what Gus Granite
public enemy number one

'tried to swipe?'

I give up, Fred. What?

'The Panama Canal.'

The Panama Canal?

Gee, how did he expect
to get it out of the country?

Long thin suitcase.

'Well, that's good thinkin'.'

'Do you think
we'll ever get a crack'

'at an exciting caper
like that?'

In this racket, pal,
anything can happen.

Now, sit down and be patient.

'We'll get an opportunity
to show how good we are.'

[knock on door]

'And this maybe it.'


Come in.

[sensual music]

Say, your sign says
private eye.

Yeah. Yeah, that's us.

The, uh, Messrs. Flintstone
and Rubble.

Which mess is Flintstone
and which mess is Rubble?


I'm Fred Flintstone
and this mess is Barney Rubble

my partner.

Uh, he he, how do you do,
I'm sure.

Gentlemen, I'm in a hurry.
I'll talk fast.

Okay, we'll listen fast.

This is strictly confidential,
but I represent a bank.

A bank. Why, you've come
to the right place, lady.

Guarding confidential banks
is our specialty.

This is going to be
a full-time job.

Are, uh,
you fellas married?

No, uh, just friends.

Barney, you lunk-head,
let me do the talking.

Yeah, we're married,
but our wives are at home.

'Only reason I ask is'

'because you're gonna
be available'

'at anytime, day or night.'

Oh, don't worry.
You can count on us.

Good. And about your fee.
Will five a day be enough?

Five dollars a day
will be fine, ma'am.

I was thinking
about $500 a day.

Be at the 3rd National Bank
tomorrow at 2:30

to talk to the president.

Arrivaderci, men.

Ooh, arriva-derci-rechie
to you, ma'am.

Barney, we're hired!
It's our first job!

- Fred?
- Yeah.

What did she say
our fee was?

Five hundred
bucks a day.

Uh, that's what
I thought she said.

Holy smoke, he fainted!

All I said was we're
gonna get 500 bucks a day.

Five hundred bucks a day?

(man on television)
'Alright you guys,
drop the guns.

'I got you covered.'

Ah, you'll never get away
with this, Perry.

Yeah, look behind ya.

Ha ha, you don't think

I'd fall for that
old trick, do you?


Every week it's the same thing.
He gets conked on the head.

Huh, those private eyes
must have skulls of iron.

I hope it happens
only on T.V..

I'd hate to have Fred
get hit like that

every time
he takes a case.

I wouldn't want Barney
to either.

But there's nothing
to worry about, Wilma.

Who'd give
our husbands a case?

Yeah, you're right.

Imagine those two characters

running a part time
detective agency after work.



Huh, let's listen
to the news for a while.

(man on television)
'And now, for the latest news'

'Police are still on the lookout
for escaped bank robber'

'Dagmar, the Peroxide Kid.'

'She is known to be a member
of a notorious gang of thieves'

'reported to be in the city.'

'If you see this woman,
call the police at once.'

'Do not try to apprehend.
She is extremely dangerous.'

Can you imagine that?
A female bank robber.

[door opens]

'Wilma, we're home.'

And have I
got news for you.

Uh, yeah.
Guess what happened?

'You're giving up the
private eye business, I hope.'

No, better than that.
We got our first--

Hold it, Barney!
Hold it!

I'm the senior partner
in this organization

and I will tell them.

'Oh, sorry, Fred.'

Girls, not only ain't we
not going out of business

but we might soon be
in the private eye profession

on a full-time basis.

Why? What happened, Fred?

'We got our first job.'

Uh-oh, I was afraid of that.

This calls for
a celebration, Wilma.

Open a bottle of champagne.

We have no champagne, Fred.

All I got in the ice box
is a can of tuna.

Well, open that.

We gotta celebrate
our first case somehow.

I don't like it, Fred.

I want you to give up
this private eye business

and go back to work
at your regular job.

And the same goes
for you, Barney.

Are you kidding?
We got it made. M-A-I-D, made!

We're gonna get
500 clams a day.

And that's a lot more dough
than I can

scratch outta the gravel pit
in six months.

And, that's what bothers me.

Whoever hired you must be
an escaped lunatic.

'Oh, yeah?'

Well, for your information,
the money is coming

from one of the most
important men in this town.

Who is he?

I can't tell you.
It's strictly confidential.

Oh, come on.
Tell us.

Don't say anything, Fred.

Don't worry, Barney.

What kind of a private eye
do you think I am?

Heh heh.

All I can say is that he's
the president of a bank.

There are four banks
in this town. Which one?

'I'll tell you one thing'

'it ain't the First National
and it ain't the second.'

And, it ain't
the fourth either.

And that's all you're
gonna get out of us.

We got ethics.

Look, boss, I got an idea
about the bank job

we're gonna pull
tomorrow night.

- I think--
- Shut up!

I do the thinking around here.
You understand, Knuckles?

Oh, sure, boss, sure.
Excuse me.

You just think
about getting some bags

to haul the money away in.
You understand?

Yeah boss, I get it.
I bring the bags

and you do the thinking
around here.

[knock on door]

It's Dagmar.
Come in, baby.

Hello, fellas.

Hello, Dagmar.

Well, did you find a couple
of private eyes?

Mm-hmm. The Messrs. Flintstone
and Rubble.

'A couple of eager beavers.'

Ha ha ha.
Eager beavers, huh?

Hey, you think
they're stupid enough?

I checked on 'em, boss.

One of 'em was kicked outta
school for flunking recess.

'How about the other one?'

He's the stupid one.

They're gonna meet you
at the bank tomorrow.

Hey, that's great, that's great.
The plan is working perfect.

Baby, when this job is over

you're gonna get a full length
sabre tooth tiger coat

with a pterodactyl collar.

Hmm. Thanks, boss.

Gee, boss.
Ha ha.

What will I get
when the job is over?

You can keep
the empty bags.

Now, shut up,
and let me read.

Third National Bank.
Here we go, Barney.

Our first job as private eyes.
You all set?

Yep, lead the way, Fred.

Hey, we better check out
our equipment first.

A private eye has gotta be ready
for any emergency, you know?

'You're right, Fred.
Start checking.'

- Okay, magnifying glass?
- 'Check.'

- 'Handcuffs?'
- Check.

- 'Finger print outfit?'
- Check-a-roony.

- 'False moustaches?'
- Check and recheck.

- Oh-oh, we forgot one thing.
- 'What's that?'

- We forgot our badges.
- 'Oh, yeah.'

Oh, you numbskull

we got 'em pinned
onto our jacket.

Now, let's go inside.

You're better let me
do the talking, Barney.

I know how to handle
bank presidents.

[knocks on door]

Are you..

Ha ha ha.

Are you guys
Flintstone and Rubble

the famous private eyes?

That's us, mister uh..


Please to meet you,
Mr. Rockhead.

Fine, fine. You guys wait for me
across the street, in the park.

In the park?

How come we ain't having
this meeting in your office?

I, uh, can't take a chance.
There are spies everywhere.

My office is probably wired.

No, kidding. Okay, we'll
meet you in the park.

Come on, Barney.

Boy, Dagmar was right!

These guys are a couple
of real kooks.

This is gonna be a real cinch.

I don't need this anymore.
He he he.

So, with all
the bank robberies going on

I'm afraid my bank
will be next.

Gee, what are you gonna do
about it, Mr. Rockhead?

I'm gonna move all the money
out of the bank to a safe place.

Say, that's a smart move.

I don't get it. What place
is safer than a bank?

Barney, don't you recognize
a smart move when you hear one?

Sorry, sir. I'm just breaking
him in. Please continue.

'Now, here's the plan.'

Tonight, me and Knuckles..

Uh, P.J. Knuckles,
he's vice president

are gonna remove all
the money from the bank

load it into my car, and take it
to a safe hiding place.

I get it. And you want me
and Barney to help you.


'I want you guys
to stand guard'

'in case the robbers
try to jump us.'

Don't worry, Mr. Rockhead.
You can count on us.

These crooks are pretty clever.

They usually show up,
dressed as cops.

Hey, that is smart!'

But, not smart enough
for you, eh, Flintstone?

That's right. Us private eyes
can spot a fake cop like that.

Good, see you
tonight at 8:00.

Oh, gee, Mr. Rockhead.

We gotta take our wives
to a concert at 9:00.

Don't worry,
we'll grab the loot..

I mean, uh,
transfer the money

and you'll be home
in plenty of time

to face the music.

That's swell,
Mr. Rockhead!

We'll meet you
and Mr. Knuckles at 8:00.

I've been so a goopy.
Take Mr. Rockhead can't nobody.

- This job is a cinch.
- Yeah.

Only, I hope
we get back in time

to take Betty and Wilma
to the concert.

You know, Betty is pretty sore
about the whole thing.

Yeah, yeah,
Wilma is, too.

But we'll transfer the
money to Mr. Rockhead's car

pick up our 500 bucks,
and be home in plenty of time.

You better step on it, Fred.

It's almost 8 o'clock.

Right. Hold on.

You better stop, Fred.
There's a cop after us.


Let me talk
to him, Barney.

I know how
to handle cops.

[tires screeching]

Where do you guys
think you're goin'?

Sorry, officer, we're
on official business.

Here's my card.

In case you ever need a favor,
don't hesitate to call on me.

Well, thank you.

"Flintstone and Rubble.

"Private investigators.

Available every night
after 6:00."

'Well, ain't that nice.'

'My name is O'Shea.'

And here's my card, buster.

Oh, thank you, officer.

Hey, this is a traffic ticket.

That's right.

And make sure you're available
tomorrow mornin' in court.

Did you get
the empty bags, Knuckles?

Uh, yeah, boss.

- Yeah, they're in the car.
- Good.

[tires screeching]

And here come
our pigeons, right on time.

Hello, Mr. Rockhead.

Here we are,
like we said we'd be.

Ah, that's swell, fellas.

And now
we can get to work.

Let it go, uh,
Mr. Knuckles.

Right, uh, Mr. Boss.


Hey, what's the idea?

Wouldn't you know it?

Mr. Knuckles forgot
the key in his other suit.

Now, you guys keep an eye
out for anything suspicious.

Excuse me.

Okay, Knuckles,
start loadin' the moolah!

'Right, boss.'

These bankers are pretty
efficient, huh, Barney?

Now, lets
earn our dough.

Keep your eye peeled
for anything suspicious.

Right, Fred.

Uh, but tell Mr. Rockhead
to hurry it up.

We can't stay too long.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hey, Mr. Rockhead!

You mind workin'
a little faster?

'We gotta get home
by 9:00, remember?'

Oh, yeah, the concert.

Speed it up, Knuckles.

Our detectives
have to check in by 9:00.

'Right, boss.'

We'll have the loot loaded
in a minute, fellows.

Thanks, Mr. Rockhead.

[siren wailing]

Hey, Mr. Rockhead

here comes one of those phony
robbers dressed as a cop.

Well, you guys
take care of them.

We'll come back,
and pick you up in a minute.

Come on, Barney.

We'll hide in the doorway
so we can jump 'em.

Right, Fred.

Halt! In the name of the law.

'Get him, Barney.'


Good work, Barn.

You knocked him colder
than a frozen mackerel.

Hey, Fred.

That's no fake cop.

That's Mr. O'Shea, the cop
that gave you the ticket.

He-He's for real.

Huh? F-f-f-for real cop?

Uhh! Oh, my head!

Who hit me?

'I-I-I am sorry, sir.
It was a m-m-mistake.'

Oh, it's you, eh?

So, this is your
official business, eh?

Honest, Mr. O'Shea,
it's all of a mistake.

I can explain
the whole thing.

Sure you can.

Let's all go down
to the station

and you can
start explainin'.

Is this one of the crooks?

No, sir,
I never saw him before.

Are you sure? This is
the last picture we got.

I'm sure.

I'll get the rest
of the rogues gallery pictures

sent here in the mornin'.

You imbeciles be here
by 8 o'clock sharp

to look 'em over.

Yes, sir,
we'll be here.

Hey, there's one picture that
looks like one of the crooks.

'Which one is it?'

It's that one behind you.

'The one that's
hangin' on the wall.'

'You idiot, that's
the Chief of Police!'

Now, beat it!

Before I lock you up for
impersonating a private eye.

Barney, when we get home

we better not tell
the girls what happened.

We'd never
hear the end of it.

Uh, don't worry, Fred.

I feel stupid enough already.

Hey, uh, we better hurry up

if we're gonna take 'em
to that concert.

Hey, let's grab a bus.

Bus nothin'.
We'll take a cab.

Hey, taxi.

Wh-wh-wh-where to, sir?

First thing
tomorrow morning

we identify the pictures,
the cops grab the crooks

and stick 'em behind bars
for the rest of their lives.

Say, uh, Fred,
if we identify these guys

ain't we askin'
for troubles?

You think I am scared
of those no-good yellow rats?

Uh, yeah,
I guess you're right.

All of them no-good
crooks are yellow.

'I'd like to get my hands
on that phony banker'

'just for two minutes.'

'Okay, you can have 'em.'

'I wanna get my hands on that,
vice president, Mr. Knuckles.'

[both chuckle]

where are we?

I don't recognize
this neighborhood.

Hey, cabbie, you sure
you know where you goin'?

We gotta get to a concert.

Hey, uh, there's,
there's two cabbies.

Uh, you'll get
to your concert, alright.

Yeah. And they'll be
playin' the Funeral March.

[both laugh]

- M-M-M-Mr. Rockhead.
- M-M-Mr. Knuckles.

Hiya, boys.

Sorry we had to leave
in such a hurry.

But I told you
we'd be back.

Ha ha ha.

- What time is it, Betty?
- It's ten minutes to 9:00.'

'That does it!'

Come on, Betty, we're
leavin' without the boys.

Don't you think we ought
to wait five more minutes?

'Not on your life!'

'I don't wanna miss
one minute of this concert.'

I love to watch
Lenard Burnstone conduct.


'And the first thing
on the program'

'is that gorgeous symphony
by Rocky Manninov'

Well, let's go.
We'll take my car.

Honest, Mr. Rockhead..

...we wouldn't put
the finger on you.

Of course not.
You're our clients.

Ha ha ha.

Hey, that's
a good one, boss.

Shut up!

Head for that spot where
they keep the cement mixers

for the new highways.

C-c-c-cement m-m-m-mixers?

W-what are you goin'
to do with us there?

'Same as we do with anybody
who gets too nosey.'

'We're gonna drop
both of you guys in it.'

This time tomorrow,
you guys will be

a right turn on Highway 66.

Ha ha ha.
That's a good one, boss--

Shut up!

And keep your eyes
on the road.


What happened?

Search me, boss.

Well, of all the luck!
The wheel came off.

Get out
and fix it, Knuckles.

Why should I get
my hands dirty, huh?

I mean, like, uh, let those
two guys in the back do it.

Yeah, why not?

Okay, you guys, out.
And make it snappy.

Nothin' doin'.

Give me one good reason
why we should fix that wheel?

Because if you don't, we'll
let you have it right here.

Uh, that's
a good reason, Fred.

Yeah. Let's get
to work, Barney.

There's absolutely no excuse
for Fred and Barney to be late.

We've have these
tickets for two weeks.

I've got the strangest
feeling they're playin' poker

with some of those loafers
from the pool hall.

Well, let's not
aggravate ourselves.

We want to enjoy the concert.


Wilma, do you see
what I see?

Why it's Barney and Fred.

Fixing a wheel.


Keep stalling, Barney, until
I can figure out what to do.

C'mon, you guys.

We ain't got all night.
Make it snappy.

Yeah, add that nice,
cozy cement mixer.

is waitin' for you.

- 'Fred.'
- 'Barney.'

The nerve that you two
letting us wait at home!

You knew we're all going
to the concert tonight.

'Now, you two march right
into this car and come with us.'

Sure, honey,
we'll be glad to.

And how!

Sorry, fellows.
We'll have to run along now.

You guys stay
right where you are!

And you two dames,
beat it.

Yeah, scram outta here.

- Well, of all the nerve!
- How dare you?

You better do
what he tells you, honey.

Yeah, you girls go
to the concert without us.


And leave you here to play poker
with these grown-up delinquents.

You're coming with us,
and that's final.

That's far enough, ladies!

Now, get back in your car,
before you get hurt.

These ain't water pistols
we're carryin' in our pockets.

Do as they say, Wilma.
Go on home.



'Good shot, Barney.'

Alright. wise guys,
you asked for it.

And you asked for this.


Come on, Barney.

Let's tie 'em up
before they come to.

Good work, girls!

The bank will probably
give us a reward for this.

A reward for what, Barney?

What are you
talkin' about?

'For capturing
Rockhead and Knuckles.'

They're a couple
of desperate bank robbers.

But they didn't have
us fooled for one minute.

- Bank robbers?
- Desperate?

- Uhhh!
- Uhhh!

"Flintstone and Rubble
capture bank robbers."

Ha ha, how about that?

Oh, boy, this publicity's
worth millions!

Our detective agency
will be swamped with business.

'They'll be standin'
in line outside my door.'

'Ha ha ha.'

You mean my door, Fred.


The door leading
to the Wilma Flintstone

and Betty Rubble
Detective Agency--

Just a minute,
just a minute!

No wife of mine
is gonna be a private eye.

'Why not?'

'I thought Betty and I did
pretty good on our first job.'

'Hold it! Hold it!'

You bellowed?

Okay, okay, you win.

'You forget about
the private eye business'

'and we'll do the same.'

Mmm, what do you think?

Well, I kinda hate giving up
all that excitement.

'Yeah, it is kind of glamorous.'

'And we can mingle
with all those'

'handsome private eyes.'


'Perry Granite and Sam Sla--'

Alright, knock it off.
Is it a deal?

Okay, it's a deal.

You buy that, Barney?

I buy that.
Ha ha ha.

With pleasure.

- Hey, Fred?
- Yeah, Barney?

You want this
for a souvenir?

What is it?

It's your private eye diploma.



Hey, what's that mean?

It means we're
out of business, pal.

That's what it means.

Oh, I get the message.


I-I get the message.
Ha ha ha.

[both laugh]

Hey, How's about a couple
of ex-private eyes

takin' another couple of
ex-private eyes out to dinner?

Do that, and we'll
consider the case closed.

That's a deal!

[all laugh]

[theme music]

[music continues]



Come on, Wilma,
open this door!