The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 4 - Alvin Brickrock Presents - full transcript

What a gloomy place this is.

'Your suspicions
were correct, Fred.'

'There she is Agatha Brickrock,
with her outside removed.'

(Fred)
'That's not Agatha,
that's a mastodon'

(Barney)
'A what's-it-on?'

A big thing with a lumpy body,
thick legs, a long nose

flappy ears, and tusks.

Sounds like Agatha to me.

[theme music]

whistle

[siren blaring]



[music continues]

[tires screeching]

crash

thud

- 'One club.'
- 'Two hearts.'

- 'Three clubs.'
- 'Fred, it's your bid.'

'I know. I'm trying
to figure out something.'

Barney, what would you do if you
were holding the queen alone?

I don't know.

It all depends on what time
the king is expected home.

ha ha ha

[knock on the door]

(Wilma)
'You're the dummy, Fred,
can you get it?'

[knocking continues]



Alright, alright,
I'm coming.

Oh, hi, Arnold.

Collect for the paper,
Mr. Flintstone.

- How much?
- One-seventy-five.

One-seventy-five!
Only four weeks' newspapers?

Four weeks' newspapers and
a month's rental on my comics.

"Harry Gun Knight"
and "Bold Blonde Caper"

and "I Was The Member
Of The Mafia For The FBI"

and "I Was Member Of The FBI
For the Mafia"

and "Peter Masonite And The
Permanent Wave Murders.."

- I don't remember that one.
- Oh, sure.

The killer throws his victims in
a vat of permanent wave lotion

and they get curled to death.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he buries them
in snail shells. Go on.

And you're 26 cents overdue

for "My Little Golden Treasury
Of Children's Murder Mystries."

Well, I'm not finished
with that yet.

- Here's your money, Arnold.
- Thanks.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

How did a nice adult like you
get hooked on such trash?

Hmm. Smart alleck kid.

Well, the girl's won
that hand too.

And the game
and the rubber.

'You men wanna play
another game?'

Ah, say, Fred, ain't it time
for the big fight?

Hey-hey!
I'm glad you remembered.

You fix the chairs, I'll get
the soda and the popcorn.

I didn't know
there was a fight scheduled.

Are you kidding?
Tonight's for the championship.

Oh, it should be
a real grudge bout.

Heavyweight or lightweight?

Both. A heavyweight
versus a lightweight.

Why are you putting the chairs
over there by the window?

The TV set is here.

This is not on TV.
It's a closed circuit.

(Betty)
'But who's fighting?'

The new neighbours.
Mrs. and Mr. Brickrock.

Fred, you don't
intend to eavespeep?

Ha ha ha, I wouldn't miss
tonight's bout for anything.

Those two have been putting on
the greatest fight of century.

Last night's bout
was a doozie.

Did you ever hear
such hysterics?

'All that screaming and
shrieking in that high voice?'

Yeah, I thought
he'd never stopped.

Oh, that's terrible!

You mean that that
meek little man hits his wife?

No. In the last three bouts, he
didn't even lay a glove on her.

He's strictly
a defensive fighter.

You think she'd let him win
once in a while.

Just to keep up his interest.

It's funny how little you know
about your neighbors.

What really goes on behind
closed doors?

Hmm. We don't even know
what business he's in.

They've been living in that old
gloomy house for a whole week.

You never seen that
Brickrock guy going to work.

You suppose he's retired?

No, Fred, the light's
are still on.

No, I mean what kind of work
is he out of?

Well, did you see some of those
spooky crates and boxes?

What do you mean? What's spooky
about crates and boxes?

Shaped like coffins.

ha ha ha

Here's some action.

Well, if they
ain't unconsiderate.

After keeping us waiting
all this time.

You scrape the dishes,
I'll wash them.

I can't imagine what a nice
little man like him

ever saw in a big bully
like her.

For those who can't brush
after every meal.

Maybe, it was love
at first fight.

ha ha ha

Oh, hello, boxing fans.
Main event over?

All quiet
on the western front?

- Too quiet. I don't like it.
- Maybe they kissed and made up.

I hope he's not that punchy.

We ought to invite
the Brickrock's over some night.

- Get to know them.
- They're awful standoffish.

I don't think
they would come over.

[knock on the door]

I'll get it.

Something bothers me
about Brickrock.

I swear I met him
someplace before.

Good evening.

Mr. Flintstone I presume.

Ah, hi. We were just talking
about you, neighbor.

Looks like you got hit
with a guy with muscle.

Ha ha, I bet I want
to see the other guy, eh?

Oh, this.
I cut myself shaving.

Sure, sure.
Well, what can I do for you?

Do you have a spade?

A spade. You should have
been here half hour ago.

I was holding seven spades.
Ha ha.

'Seven spades, you get it?
We were playing bridge.'

Nevertheless, I wonder
if I might borrow a shovel.

Of course.
I'll get it.

Why, Mr. Brickrock,
how nice.

Are you folks all settled
in your new home?

I'm afraid it's unsettled,
Mrs. Flintstone.

I've been transferred
to another territory.

Moving again?

Oh, what a shame! You've only
been here a little while.

Do you know the Rubbles?

We' never met, but I've admired
your footwork many times.

Ah-ah, we've been trying
to drop in on your wife

and now it looks like we'll just
have to meet her to say goodbye.

I'm afraid that
won't be possible.

I had to send Agatha off
ahead of me.

She didn't like
the idea of leaving.

- She fights moving.
- I'll say.

Funny, how a large woman
like that can breakdown.

Go all to pieces.

Now, I have to do
all her packing myself.

It'll take me a week
to clean up everything.

Need any help?

No. In my line of work, I've
become quite efficient at it.

Here you are, Alvy.
One shovel to go.

Sorry you have to be shoveling
off so soon. Ha ha ha.

That's calling
a spade a spade.

Yes. Well, thank you

and good evening.

Poor little man.
I feel sorry for him.

Fred why you gonna turn of
the light and go to sleep?'

'As soon as I finish this
"Weird Detective" magazine.'

"Weird Detective?"
Why do you read that old junk?

Junk? For your information,
there's a lot of money

in this old junk.

How about this?

"Attention all
red-blooded citizens

"with suspicious natures.

"Nation crime rate up.

"Big increase in murders,
muggings and parking violations.

"Get in on it.

"Earn big money
as a Pincus-Stone Detective.

"Our operators are wanted by
police departments everywhere.

"Mail coupon today and receive
diploma entitling you

"to pry into
other people's business.

"Stool pigeons
collect huge rewards

for their patriotic service.
Why not you?"

How about that, Wilma?

Ah, I still think it's junk.

Yeah, get a load of some of
these true criminal confessions.

"I call Machine Gun McGerk
a jerk.

By the lights,
Swiss Cheese Charlie Slate."

- 'Oh, here's a great one.'
- Oh, brother.

"He was a midget in a big house,
and he tried to escape

"by wrigling through
a mouse hole after lights out.

"But he outsmarted
himself, see?

"'Cause it wasn't a mouse hole
he screwed himself into

it was a light socket, and
someone turned the lights on."

'And...Wilma, Wilma.'

[snoring]

yawn

Hmm, here's the crook
of the month.

"$15,000 reward for information
leading to apprehension

"of Albert Boneheart.
Wanted for questioning

"in disappearance
of three former wives.

"Boneheart's fourth wife
was last seen

"in a little railroad
station in a valise

a ladies hatbox
and an executive's briefcase."

Well, that's one way to send
your wife to the country.

"Description, Boneheart
is 5'10", has wavy hair

"a natty moustache,
and walks with a limp.

"Due to an impediment,
Boneheart speaks

"with a slight British accent
and has difficulty

pronouncing "Good evening."
Approach with caution."

How would I know?

Oh, well. 'Night, Wilma.

Goodnight, Fred.

yawn

- Good evening!
- What?

- 'Good evening, good evening.'
- I said, "Goodnight," Fred.

- I mean, Alvin Brickrock.
- 'He said "Goodnight" too.'

Ba-ba...he borrowed my shovel.

Really, Fred, he's only had
the shovel 45 minutes

'you're not gonna
start nagging him already?'

Be right back, Wilma.

Psst. Barney, Barney.

Eh, Fred, what are you doing
in the middle of my begonias

- in the middle of the night?
- Here, here. Read this.

[muttering]

Yeah, thanks a lot for letting
me read your magazine, Fred.

I guess you can return it
to Arnold the newsboy, you know.

- I'll see you tomorrow, huh?
- Barney, don't you get it?

Ah, no, I take
the "Wallstreet Journal."

Boy, when they were dishing
out the brains

you must have been standing
there with a symbol.

Don't you see?
Our neighbor Alvin Brickrock

he borrowed my shovel,
he could be a viscous monster.

A diabolical fiend.

Oh, now, Fred, you haven't
returned my lawn mower

and I don't feel
that way about you.

Here, read this
again, will you?

zab zab zab

Skip the "zab zab,"
will you?

Get down to the description
of Albert Boneheart.

It's Alvin Brickrock.

Uh, 5'10", wavy hair,
moustache.

Well, Alvin is clean-shaven
and bald.

It's just a disguise he puts on.
It's him alright.

- Remember what he said?
- Uh, let's see.

"I had to send Agatha off,
she didn't like the idea.

"Funny, how a large woman could
breakdown

"into little pieces.

"I'll have to do
her packing myself.

"Take a week to clean up.

Thank you for the shovel."

Shovel! And the ropes
and the axe.

[muttering]
Fred, you mean..

I mean he.
Let's go see.

Bu-but, Fred, the killer has a
limp, and Alvin doesn't have it.

Of course not, stupid.

He walks without a limp
to fool us.

And Boneheart is 5'10".

Alvin is only 4'10".

We are dealing
with a very clever man.

And we've gotta ask ourselves
if we did away with our wives

'what's the first
thing we'd do?'

Well, the first thing I'd do
would be put an ad in the paper.

I'm no longer responsible
for my wife's death.

He must have her hidden inside
the house in someplace.

'Here, Barney, I'll give you
a boost up this back window.'

Wowie-wow.
What a gloomy place this is.

'Your suspicions
were correct, Fred.'

'There she is Agatha Brickrock
with her outside removed.'

(Fred)
'That not Agatha,
that's a mastodon.'

A what's-it-on?

A big thing with a lumpy body,
thick legs, long nose

flappy ears, and tusks.

Sounds like Agatha to me.

This thing has been dead
for a million years.

- Eh, look what I found.
- 'What is it?'

Well, I don't think
it's a phone booth.

boink

It's not a phone booth.
We found Agatha.

[gibberish]

I'll, I'll go down to
the corner and get the cop

while you stay here
and keep an eye on her.

Eh, wait a minute.
Why me?

Alright, you stay here
and keep an eye

- while I go get the cop.
- 'That's better.'

'Hey!'

[whistling]

[creaking]

Mr. Brickrock, what are you
doing in your living room?

It was I who was
about to ask you.

Eh, oh, well, Fred and I were in
the neighborhood, so we thought

we'd drop in. But you were out,
so he went out to look for...

Oh, hello there, Freddy.

Shh. Not so loud...

Hi, there, hi.

Just came over to tell you
I don't need the shovel

for a while, if you wanna
keep using it, you know..

May I show you my workshop?

- We've seen it.
- Any questions?

- Yeah, I've got one.
- 'Yes.'

What are you? Some kind of
screwball or something?

'I don't understand.'

I mean, this whole setup and
that phony name Alvin Brickrock.

You know, your real name
is Archie Ogly.

Archie Ogly?

Precisely.
Right here on this book.

Take a look.

(Alvin)
My dear, sir,
that's pronounced Archeology.

And I'm an archaeologist.

You see, Fred?
He admits it.

Of course I admit it.
An archaeologist is a man

who tries to bring
the past back to life.

Someone who's concerned with
what lies below the surface.

A man who digs.

We're hip to you.

This happens to be a great
neighborhood for bones.

May I show you a few things
I've have uncovered recently?

This lady, for instance.

(Barney)
'I think we've met.'

This is my mummy.
She's 2000 years old.

Well, how do you do, ma'am?
Happy birthday.

Speaking of old fossils, are we?
What do you hear from your wife?

Nothing lately. Oh, I must give
you a peek of something special.

'Something everyone thinks
has disappeared.'

- 'Can you keep a secret?'
- We have so far.

Eddy-Freddy,
when's the op-k's somin'-k?

I couldn't nine-fe
an op-k, arne-bay.

Oy vey.

And now, gentlemen,
something that by right

should have been dead
long long ago.

Look.

- What is it, Fred?
- I don't know.

Is it bigger
than a breadbox?

Yeah, 'bout the size
of a large bird cage.

(Alvin)
'It is a bird cage.'

(Barney)
'Why would you keep
a fishy in a bird cage?'

(Alvin)
'Because it's a flying fishy.'

'World's rarest fishy.'

'Legendary man-eating
piranhakeet.'

[chirping]

That's cute. Is this
piranhakeet finger trained?

Look out!

Fingers, toes, whatever
it can get its teeth into.

The only flying man-eater
in the world.

The other scientists
think it's extinct. Extinct!

But I know better.

The whole thing smells
a little fishy to me.

I think that piranhakeet
is just a red herring

to throw us off his scent.

Hey, Barn,
I don't want Wilma to know

what we suspect about Agatha.

She even gets faint
when she fixes cold cuts.

'Hi, Fred, Barney.'

- Oh, hi, Wilma.
- Hi.

I'm going over to Betty's,
so when the express men come

give them Alvin's trunk. He left
it here for them to pick up.

Ah! Oh, oh, sure, sure.

The address and all the
information is right on it.

- Bye.
- Bye, dear.

[gibberish]

Barney, read what that says.

- '"This end up."'
- 'Oh, no those initials.'

- 'A.B.'
- 'A.B.'

(Barney)
'Yeah, Alvin Brickrock.'

- Or Albert Boneheart.
- 'Alias Bluebear'

Or Agatha Brickrock, Barney.

As public spirited citizens,
we got to open the trunk

produce the evidence and
collect the reward.

Great, let's get a sledgehammer
and bust it open.

- 'Use your head.'
- Use your own head.

Mrs. Brickrock.
Mrs. Brickrock.

- Did you hear a knock?
- Yeah.

Will you cut that out, I thought
she was knocking.

[tires screeching]

It's Wilma. Now look, Barney,
I don't want her to know.

She get's panicky
in these emergencies

so don't let the cat
out of the bag.

Barney, what are you looking
so suspicious for?

Oh, I don't know, Wilma.

What makes you think
there's a body in this trunk?

What an imagination?

Why can't you keep
your big mouth shut?

Oh, she cornered me
with a tricky question.

Hey, you know, Fred, there's no
sense in opening this trunk.

Did you ever get a look
at Mrs. Brickrock in the flesh?

- 'Sure.'
- It was a lot of flesh.

She was a big fat
mastodon like you.

And you never get that much lard
in such a small container.

Yeah? That trunk in the bedroom
is the same size as this one

and on our honeymoon,
I hid inside it

- 'to surprise Wilma.'
- Eeh!

I'll prove it to you.
Help me drag it out.

There, I was right.
Same size.

You must have been more petite
in the old days.

'I think you take
a size 48 long trunk now.'

Alright, alright, I'll show you
that Mrs. Brickrock could be

in that trunk.

Close me up.

There's still a lot of fall out
in the fringe area.

Yeaow!

[echoing knock]

Eh, Fred, we're in trouble.
I don't have the keys.

[indistinct]

What's that, Fred?
You've got 'em?

Phew! I was worried.
I thought I'd lost 'em.

[indistinct]

Now, don't get panicky, Fred,
because when you get panicky

you use up oxygen, and you've
only got enough of it

for about 30 seconds,
so keep smiling

and I'll be back
in a minute or so.

It's nothing to get
upset about, Wilma,

but you know
that old trunk Fred had.

- Yes.
- Well, it has Fred now.

What's Fred doing
in the trunk?

Well, to tell the truth,
he's suffocating.

'Barney, where are the keys?'

Fred's got 'em.

He was reconstructing
your honeymoon.

I'll try hair-pin, it worked
the time Fred got locked

in the bathroom.

'Well, Houdini, care to explain
that little trick?'

I'll break it
to you easy, Wilma.

[groaning]

This other trunk contains
the missing Agatha Brickrock.

You thought Mrs. Brickrock
was in that trunk

and you were trying to prove it
by getting into our trunk?

ha ha ha

And you think little Alvin
got rid of his wife?

You haven't seen her
around, have you?

And his real name
is Albert Boneheart.

So?

So, Albert Boneheart
is the famous wife killer.

Here, there's a picture of him
in the magazine.

(Wilma)
'This man has wavy hair
and a moustache.'

(Barney)
'A mere disguise, he doesn't
walk with a limp at all'

'and he photographs taller.'

A good psychiatrist
wouldn't touch you boys

with a 10-foot couch.

Wait till I tell Betty that
you thought that mild little..

[all laughing]

Alright, Mrs. Fred Flintstone
of 39, Stone Canyon Way.

You asked for it.

(Alvin)
'Good evening.'

Am I interrupting
a family discussion?

(Wilma)
'Not at all, Mr. Brickrock.'

I came to return your shovel.

Oh, is that trunk still here?

I was hoping to get rid of it.

'I wish it was possible
to just push it into the ocean.'

'And forget about it.'

See, smarty?
Tell her what's inside?

We already guessed.

I knew it would
come out eventually.

That trunk is Agatha's.
It's for her body.

[gasps]
Mr. Brickrock, no.

I'm afraid so.
I'll show you, it's open.

The lockers never works.

You see, dear Agatha
is a bug on physical culture.

This is her body building
equipment.

'Bar bells, weights, dumbbells.'

'She wouldn't feel secure
in New Rock City without them.'

Those aren't the only dumbbells
around here, Mr. Brickrock.

How do we know Agatha's
really in New Rock City?

Which reminds me of my other
motive for stopping by.

May I use your phone
to call, Agatha?

Mine has been disconnected.

(Wilma)
'Of course.
Right over here, Alvin.'

Watch him, Fred, I think
he's trying to build an alibi

- and run up your phone bill.
- Yeah.

Hey, reverse charges
on that alibi.

Certainly.

Hello, pussycat.

[indistinct]

But, pussycat, I am
sending the trunk

with your weights
and bar bells.

[indistinct]

I know you're out of shape,
but I didn't mean it that way.

Of course you need to work out.

'I'll try to be there
as soon as I can.'

Well, investigators,
any questions?

Mrs. Brickrock sounds
alive and kicking.

She sure does. Hey, you wanna
mark the case closed, Fred?

Can you imagine, Barney, you
suspecting a little mouse

like that of getting
rid of his pussycat?

Your suspicions are correct,
your story had a happy ending.

Science was indeed astounded
by my discovery

of a living man-eater.

Which can be trained to eat
wives too if necessary.

Chirp for the people.

[chriping]

Please forgive it's toothy grin.

That's just like a canary
that ate the pussycat.

Good evening.

[theme music]

yawn

Wilma!

'Wilma!'

'Come on, Wilma,
open the door.'

'Wilma!'