The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 29 - Divided We Sail - full transcript

Fred is invited to be a contestant on "The Price is the Price." He finds himself unable to appear due to stage fright, however, and Barney, taking his place, wins a houseboat. The two agree...

I see it, but I
don't believe it.

It's true. We hit
another houseboat.

'Okay, what happened?'

That landlubber tried
to make a starboard turn

without sticking his hand out.

Don't call me a landlubber,
you landlubber.

I've been a sailor
for over three weeks.

[theme music]



[siren blaring]



[music continues]


[music continues]






Mail man.

Oh, Mr. Emery,
you're early this morning.

Yup. Just a light mail today.

Uh, let's see now.

Here's a circular
for your Mrs. Flintstone.

Oh, those old things.

And a postcard from your aunt
in Glitter rock.

Her arthritis
has been buggin' her.

She's got aphids
in her Pansies.

And she sent you a recipe for
rutabaga pie that sounds good.

- Oh, thank you.
- Don't mention it.

After you copy it, maybe you'll
let me borrow it for the missus.

I'm getting sick and tried
of her marble cake.

Why, most husbands
like marble cake.

With real marbles?

Eh, here's somethin'
for Mr. Flintstone.

Oh? It's a ticket of some kind.

"Admit one to broadcast,
"The Prize Is Priced."

Yup, that's the TV show,
you win all the prizes.

- If you guess their price.
- I know, I never miss it.

Wonder why
they sent it to Fred?

[instrumental music]

But Fred doesn't know anything
about the prices of anything.

Does he, Wilma?

Of course not. That's why
I'm gonna go, in his place.

Women are much better
at guessing prices.

Especially the kind of prizes
they have on that program.

Furs, jewelry
and household appliances.

Oh, gee, I wish Barney
could get a ticket.

Speaking of appliances..

...I can use a new
washing machine.

Look at this one.
It's on it's last legs.

Close the lid. That air is cold
after you've been in the water.

Last week on
"The Prize Is Priced" program

they had an all automatic
combination drink mixer

food chopper, garbage disposal
and dishwasher.

[Wilma chuckles]

I've already got
a combination drink mixer

food chopper, garbage disposal
and dishwasher.

His name is Fred.


Oh, Wilma, it would be nice
if you could get on the program.

But what do you think
Fred will say

when you tell him,
you're gonna use his ticket.

He'll say, uh,
"Are you out of your mind?"

Are you out of your mind?

But, Fred, you said yourself

you didn't know anything
about the cost of things.

Don't you remember last time,
you went to the supermarket--

I said, I didn't know
where they got their prices.

I know a lot about
the cost of things.

Besides, it wouldn't be honest

you going to "The Prize
Is Priced" on my ticket.

It says right on it,
"Fred Flintstone."

All we'd have to do is carve
a little Mrs. in front of it.

Then I could get on and win
a lot of the things we need.

'No! N-O.'

Negative, absolutely,
positively, N-O-T.

What are you trying
to say, Fred?

I'm saying you can't do it.

If anybody's gonna go
on the program

and win a lot of prizes,
it's me.

[upbeat music]

That's tellin' her,
Freddy boy.

You'll show how
smart us men are.

And what do you care
if 30 million people

are watching you tonight and you
make a big fool of yourself.


Eh, 30 million people
watchin' me?

Yup. "The Prize Is Priced"
is one of the top ten TV shows.

Hey, I'll bet your boss
is lookin' in tonight.

- 'Mr. Slate?'
- Sure.

You have to give
his company a plug

so if you win,
it'll make him proud of you.

Of course,
if you turn out stupid

it'll give the firm,
a black eye.

But, I wouldn't worry.

You only got about one chance
in a 1000 of being picked.

Yeah, but-but, b-b-but suppose
they do pick me as a contestant

and I don't guess
any of the prices?

So? You can always
get another job.

It'll be much easier
than getting another wife.

Uh, Wilma's gonna
be pretty sore

if you don't bring
something home.

Gosh, 30 million people!

Oh, that's the TV audience.

There's about 2500 screaming
people in the studio audience.

You mean I'll be up there
lookin' foolish

in front
of all those strangers?

Don't worry about strangers,
all you gotta think about

is not losing
to friends watchin'.

I mean who likes to be
associated with a dope, right?

Almost time for the program.

Oh, do you suppose Fred
got on the panel?

He better have.

(man on TV)
'And now Gypsum And Caveman
present, "The Prize Is Priced."'

[audience cheering]

'And here is your
genial master of ceremonies'

'Smiling Will Carson.'

[audience cheering on TV]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I called you
ladies and gentlemen.

I've forgotten
some of your names.

[audience laughing]

And welcome to another session
of "The Prize Is Priced".

And now let's meet
our contestants.

First, the big winner
from last week

the little old
retired school teacher

who has won a total
of $14000.

Ms. Agatha Aggot.

[audience applauding]

Well, Agatha,
how do you feel tonight?

I feel like winning
some more loot, Will.

I see, what are you going
to do with the red sports car

you won last week?

Are you kidding?
I'm racing with it.

Won three drags already.

They're calling me,
Lead Foot, Aggie.


Queen of the hot rods.


Eh, fine.

Now let's meet
the two, new challengers

chosen from
our studio audience, tonight.

Oh, I hope it's Fred.

(Will on TV)
'First, an unemployed plumber'

'from Pebble Beach,
Mr. John Sludge.'

Darn, I bet
Fred didn't make it.


And how do you feel tonight,
Mr. Sludge?

Well, Will,
I'm unemployed, you know.

I've a tough time takin' care
of eleven helpless children

and one sweet,
little missus at home.

So, I'm sure hopin'
I can win somethin' useful.

Eh, like a set of golf clubs
or a trip around the world.

A good time to go, Will.
I'm not workin', you know.

Eh, fine. And now--

Of course,
I'll take cash, Will

if it won't put me
in a higher income bracket.

Fine and now let's--

They always give me cash
on that other program.

- "Beat The Sun Dial."
- Thank you, Mr. Sludge.

And now let's meet
our third contestant

the geological engineer,
Mr. Fred Flintstone.

Oh, Wilma, Fred made it.

Betty, that isn't Fred.

And how do you feel
about tonight, Mr. Flintstone?

To tell the truth, Will,
I don't feel like, eh, myself.


Why don't you feel like yourself
tonight, Mr. Flintstone?

Because, I'm Barney Rubble,
a friend of poor Mr. Flintstone.

I don't understand.
Poor Mr. Flintstone?

Yup. He's allergic
to crowds, Will.

And at the very last minute,
he got sick.

Chickened out,
I think they call it.

But like a good friend,
I, Barney Rubble, am prepared

to win a lot of loot
in Fred's place, Will.

Well, how do you like that?

After Fred wouldn't
let me go in his ticket?

Oh, Wilma,
this'll be a disaster.

The only figures Barney
can keep in his head

are the contestants
in the Miss Neanderthal contest.

Big, brave Fred
having stage fright.

Can you imagine? O-o-o-h!

And here comes
our first prize now

'This luxurious, genuine, wild,
extinct Shmikasaurus stole'

'styled by I.J. Wolf.'

Famous furrier who's been in the
skin game for quite some time.

Beautiful, isn't it?

'How would you like to
take that home, Barney?'

Love to. But I'm a married man.


I'll skin him
if he muffs it.

'What do you think, Agatha?'

Ball of fire, Will.
I sure need a fur.

Gets cold ridin'
in my sports car.

I bid 2000.

'Fine. Mr. Sludge,
what's your bid?'

I'd just love to take that coat
to my pitiful, little wife.

I bid 2500.

Now, your bid, Barney.'

'Higher, higher.'

I'll say higher, higher.

You'll have to be more specific.

And if you go over
the retail price, you can't win.

Oh, well in that case,
I'll say, uh..

...thirty two hundred,
seventy eight dollars

and sixty nine cents.

Oh, wouldn't
it be wonderful, if I won?

I don't wanna
say anything, Betty.

But what do you mean, you?

I mean...after all,
it was Fred's ticket.

Well, yes.

But it's our guesses that are
winning the Shmikasaurus fur.

Well, we'll see.
Maybe we can work out something.

The prices are all in

and I wonder who's gonna
steal the stole.

And here is the retail price

'thirty two hundred,
seventy eight dollars'

'and sixty eight cents.'


I'm sorry, Mr. Rubble but
you went over the prize price.

The Shmikasaurus stole goes
to John Sludge.

You mean that,
I, oh, Will, that's wonderful.

I-I-I'm so excited.

Please, please,
Get a hold on yourself.

I won, I won.

I'm so, so happy.
I won. I won.

'Please, that's enough.'


I'm sorry, Will.

I just got carried away.

It's just that, gosh,
this is only the 24th thing

I ever won on these
panel of shows.

Eh, wait a minute. Eh,
where are my tradin' stamps?

Well, there goes both
of our stoles, Wilma.

I'm sorry.
I must've sounded awful.

It was silly to be so selfish.

It's okay, Betty.
Me too.

It shows you how even good
friends can be split by greed.


Whatever Barney wins from
now on is both of ours. Okay?

You know we could learn
from the boys too.

They're good losers. Look
how calm Barney's taking it.

Our next item is a blind bid.

What price do you put
on a complete sporting outfit?

Ladies, first.

A complete sporting outfit?

Ha ha, you're tricky, Will.

That could be anything
from a bikini bathing suit

to the whole
New Rock Yankee Baseball team.

Well, I need 'em both.

So I'll start high.

'Higher, higher, higher.'

Seven hundred bucks.

Well, Will I've got a complete
outfit at home already.

But, uh, I could use
any kind of sporting equipment.

I'm unemployed, you know.

I'll say, eight hundred dollars.

'Seven hundred, eight hundred,
eh, Mr. Rubble?'

'Higher, higher, higher.'

Well, I'll just put
in my two cents and uh..

'Two cents.
The bidding's closed.'

But, but..

Now, let's just see what
this complete sporting outfit

consists of?

Aren't we devils?

'It's a fishing outfit'

'a bamboo pole, a pin
and a five pound box of bait'

retail value, 47 cents.

And Mr. Rubble wins.

[bell ringing]

Oh, that means you've also won
the surprise prize, Mr. Rubble.

[instrumental music]

Open the curtains, please.

(audience gasps)

'Yes, Mr. Rubble
a brand new Clayaforn'

modern split level ranch
styled house boat.

Complete with contour bunks,
wall to wall bear skin

ceramic tile rumpus room.

And to power your aqua home
over the foam

you have a pair of Johnstone
sea horse outboard motors.


'And motors that develop almost
four sea horse power'

'on high octane plankton.'

'And to roll your new house boat
down to the sea'

'this beautiful trailer.

'Tailored for the sailor
by Sailor.'

Plus a genuine captain's hat.

The Hullshmear is yours,
Barney Rubble

from "The Prize Is Priced."

And, boy were you corny.
You even forgot to thank me.

For what?

For unselfishly
giving you my ticket

so you could be
on television instead of me.

Oh, that's okay, Fred.
Always glad to help out a buddy.

You and Wilma have to take

a trip with me and Betty
aboard our houseboat, sometime.

Eh, when you say,
our houseboat

do you mean your houseboat
or our houseboat.

Well, our houseboat will always
be your houseboat, Fred.

Never mind, your houseboat,
let's start talking

about my houseboat.

I'm so excited, I wonder
when the boys will be home

with their houseboat?

Yeah, wouldn't it be fun,
living together this summer

drifting with the tide,
no worries.

Barney and Fred are the only men

I know who don't get on
each other's nerves.

[door opens]

Oh, that must be the boys now.

'Of all the..'

[Fred grumbling]

You know, Wilma

I think the S.S. Friendship
just hit a rock.

Betty, you better come home.

Those water buffaloes are nasty
when they're crossed.

Don't talk to me of crossin',
you triple-crosser.

Fred, is that any way
to talk to your best friend?

'Best friend, ha!'

I'm sorry, Barney.

It's okay, Wilma.

We ol' sailors have a saying

When the wind blows
out of the South

Fred Flintstone's running
off with the mouth.

Uh, you're a sore loser.
That's all.

Loser? Who's ticket got you
on the program?

Barney, you mean, you boys
are arguing about the houseboat?

- 'Of course.'
- Well isn't that silly.

If we owned it, we'd ask
Fred and Wilma to share it.

And I'm sure, if they owned it,
they'd ask us.

So, let's just say we all own
it together and share it.

What are you,
some kind of a radical?

Sure, whoever heard of a boat
being filleted like that?

There's an old wives'
saying that goes

"A houseboat divided
against itself cannot sail."


And if you two old salts

don't stop acting so salty

you're both gonna
have to look for new mates

to do your houseboat keeping.

- Aye aye, Betty?
- Aye aye, Wilma.

The aye ayes have it.
Now, let's get some sleep.

Aye aye.

Left is port
and right is starboard.

Front is bow and back is stern.

- Hey, Fred, Wilma, let's go.
- Be right out, Barney boy.

Oh, if he calls me,
Barney boy again

I'll throw him in a brig.

Barney, eh, oh, captain sir

who put this
on the back of the boat?

That's called a stern.

Uh, Fred and I both named her.

I wanted to call her,
"Nautical Lady"

and Fred wanted,
"Queen Of The Sea."

So we split the difference

and took the first three
letters of mine

and last three
letters of his.

N-A-U S-E-A.

That's Nausea and it's
a sickening name for a boat.

Okay, you landlubbers,
let's shove off.

I keep thinking
I've forgotten something.

Oh, you know, I used to
forget things on trips

until I started making a list

of everything
I wanted to remember.

- Does it work?
- I don't know.

I always leave the list behind.

[both laughing]

Come on, come on!
Let's go, girls.

You two ride in the houseboat
and Barney and I

will ride up front and navigate.

Uh, yeah. And if you
want anything, just yell.

[instrumental music]

Bear left some more.
Steady as she goes.

He's slowin' down.

Boy, I know we're lost,
but this is ridiculous.

Whoever heard of drivin'
a car as the crow flies?

It ain't a crow.
It's a gull.

And gulls always head
for the sea, sooner or later.

Of course, we could always
stop and ask somebody

where the ocean is?

Who you gonna stop and ask
when everybody's going

60 miles an hour?

Hey, hey, look out!


I see it, but I
don't believe it.

It's true. We hit
another houseboat.

(male #1)
'Okay, what happened?'

That landlubber tried
to make a starboard turn

without sticking his hand out.

Don't call me a landlubber,
you landlubber.

I've been a sailor
for over three weeks.

Yeah, sarge,
you heard me correct.

On the freeway.

A collision between two boats.

No, I didn't notify
the harbor patrol.

These boats were on wheels.
Like houses.

[indistinct mumbling on phone]

No. I never touch the stuff.

Now, just ease her
into the water and..

Hold it, Fred, hold it.
Where's your tradition?


You can't send her
down the waves

without a formal christening.

Where's the bottle
of champagne?

Are you kidding?

All we got is a thermos
full of Rocky Cola.

In a stirring moment like this,
it's expendable.

Which one of you girls
would like to christen

the good ship, Nausea.

Let Wilma have the honor.

I couldn't hit the side
of a houseboat. Heh heh.

Well, alright.
But I don't know how.

Do I bunt or swing
for the fences?

Just follow through
and hit it right there.

I hereby christen the Nausea.



Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, we lost the trailer,
but we still have the boat.

All we have to do now is wait
till the tide rolls in

and we'll be afloat.


'Hey, come on, Fred,
we're afloat.'

Yabba dabba doo!

Now hear this,
now hear this.

The good ship, Nausea
is now officially afloat.

Where are we going, captain?

Hold it, hold it!

He's not the only
captain around here.

Oh, Fred, you're not
gonna start that again.

And why not? It was
my ticket, wasn't it?

We're sailing South.
The captain has spoken.

Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.
What does it say?

Eh, let's see...
"Made in Japan."

Oh, boy.

Wilma, look, we're drifting
on to some rocks.

Unless you two want
a real sunken living room

you'd better do something
or we'll hit those rocks.

Not while I'm in command.

Quick, Barney, start
the outboard motors

'while I steer.'

'You start the motors.'

Oh, Wilma,
we better do something.

Help me throw out the anchor.


Oh, no!

It snagged our picnic basket.

- No, you start the motor.
- You start.

Forget it. We're anchored.

I hope you boys are convinced
that two captains

are not better than one.

Now, hear this.

If you captains don't want
a mutiny among the crew

stop this fighting.


Yeah, you're right.

Okay, Barney, we'll head
South like you wanted.

No, Fred, I insist
we'll head your way.

I said we'll head your way.

I said we'd head your way.

And I say, you'll both head
straight for the galley

and start peeling potatoes.

'Why? What's for supper?'

That's it. Potatoes.


Cream of potato soup,
French-fried potatoes

and flaming shish kebab
of potatoes on a skewer.

What happened to all that big
cider roast brontosaurus beef

we brought along?

That cider beef
went over the side.

Well, anyway,
we're safely moored.

We can decide where we're
goin' after supper.

Mmm, roast bronto beef.


Boy, this is the life.

A nice dinner

anchored in
a secluded little cove

nothin' around
to bother us.

No boats, no people, no land.

Eh, eh, where did
the line go, Fred?

Maybe it went out
with the tide.

It sure is windy
out here in a bay.

You know what, Fred?
I think we're movin'.

What makes you say
a stupid thing like that?

You know we're anchored.

'Well, so, how come
those buoys are goin' by'

'like a picket fence?'


'"If you're queazy'

'"sailing on the wave'

'"just open our mouth'

'shout terra firma shave.'"

'You know, Fred'

'I was reading an article
by this scientist'

'who claims, uh, there's
absolutely no evidence'

'to support the existence
of sea monsters.'

He says, they're only
harmless pieces of folklore.

So, a scientist doesn't believe
there's any sea monsters, so?

So, I was just wondering

if that sea monster
believes in scientists.

Heh heh heh.

Ha ha ha.
Sea monsters.

Betty and I think you boys
ought to slow down

and stop showing off.

You could tell the sea monster,
except sea monsters are just a

a harmless
piece of folklore.

Oh, that's a sea monster!
Oh, what can we do?

Beats me.

The operating instructions
don't cover anything

'that happens over 20 knots.
We're doing 60!'

'Oh, look, he's turnin' around.'

Well, at least we're headed
back in the right direction!

Yes, but we're heading
for that big rock.



We're okay now.
The rope broke.

We're sinking.

Oh, d-d-don't get excited!

W-w-we're close to shore
and we got a life raft.

Well, hurry, please!


'But that's too small
for all of us.'


The number one
tradition of the sea

says women first.

I'll force myself in somewhere
to keep you from panicking.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean,
you'll go? I'll go!

huff huff

'Shame on you, Fred.'

The number two tradition
of the sea says

the captain always
goes down with his ship.

You're the acting captain.

Yeah? Well a minute ago you
were acting like the captain.

Can I hold
the raft for you, Fred?

Yeah, thanks.
Now let's be fair, Rubble.

You won "The Prize Is Price"

you got to get down
with your bonus prize.

I'm sorry.

It was your ticket which won
this sinking ship, captain.

Alright, Barney, as captain

I command you to obey
and go to the bottom

while I go help
the girls ashore.

Some captain you are.

'Scared to down with his ship.'

'Look who's talking.'

'The ol' chicken
of the sea himself.'

[Barney babbling]

[Fred babbling]

[Barney babbling]

[Fred babbling]

I wonder how long
they can stay down there?

I don't know about Barney,
but Fred's so full of hot air

we may as well settle down
for a long, long wait.

[both laughing]

[theme music]



[music continues]



[music continues]





[banging on door]


'Come on, Wilma,
open this door!'


[music continues]