The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 30 - Kleptomaniac Caper - full transcript

We got to find a place to hide.

There sure
isn't any place in here.

Hey, why don't you give
yourself up?

Aha! Here, here, Barney.
Slip this on.

Gee, I always wanted
a head like this.

Hey, how do I look?

(Fred)
'It's an improvement.'

Hey, you look
pretty good yourself.

[chuckling]

Alright, alright, at least
no one will recognize us.

Here comes the detective.
We're trapped.



Not yet, just act natural.

Say, either of you see

a couple of kookie lookin'
guys come in here?

Uh, yeah, they went that way.

Thanks, ain't nobody's gonna
gimme the slip.

[instrumental music]

preee

[siren wailing]

preee

screech

[music continues]

screech

vroom

bam



thud

Betty, are you up here?

(Betty)
'Over here, Wilma.'

My, you're up early
this morning.

Is that your stuff
for the rummage sale?

Uh, huh.

Phew, that's heavy.

How are you doing?

Umm, I don't know
where to start.

Barney saved everything
from his first teething ring.

Look here.

"Pledge Rubble. Beta Slata Gamma
Class of 1,000,020"

(Wilma)
'What's it for?'

Whacko.

A souvenir from Barney's
high school fraternity.

Our closet's so crowded
with stuff like this

a flea couldn't get in
if he made reservations.

I know what you mean. Look.

Wilma, that's Fred's
old football uniform.

How'd you ever get him
to part with it?

Simple, I merely use
feminine strategy.

What do you mean?

- I didn't tell him.
- Oh, Wilma.

What he doesn't know
won't make him mad.

Oh but, Wilma, that's sneaky.

That's dishonest.

That's brilliant.

[chuckling]

How are you gonna
get away with it?

'Easy.'

Show me a closet
filled with souvenirs

and I'll show you a man
who's forgotten he ever had 'em.

- You really think so?
- I know so.

For weeks I've been taking
things from our closet

and bringing them down

to the ladies
auxiliary rummage sale.

Fred never missed one thing.

Well, alright.
Here goes nothing.

Say, this will be fun.

Good, girl.

From now on it'll be easy.

Okay, Wilma, coast is clear.

Where's Barney?

In back of the house
doing some gardening.

Put the boxes on the floor
in the back seat.

Say, before we take
this stuff downtown

let's have some breakfast.

Okay, that's uh, um..

Why are we whispering?

I don't know.

[chuckling]

[yawning]

Wilma...where,
where's my breakfast?

What's this?

"Dear, Fred, gone to Betty's.

Your breakfast
is on the table. Back soon."

Hey! This is Saturday.

I can watch the big
football game, while I eat.

(male announcer on TV)
'And now, a word
from our sponsor.'

Aah, well, I get
this real heavy beard, see?

And it used to be kind
of a drag like.

Until I discovered,
flint ridge razors.

Now I'm not only
a star athlete

I got this here,
cave-man appeal.

(male announcer on TV)
'Alright, ladies and gentlemen.'

'Back to your football
game of the week.'

'They're out of the huddle
into a split tee.'

'Rockhouse Keys
fading back, back.'

'Looks like he's gonna pass.'

'Yes, looks like
it'll be a long one.'

'And there it goes,
way downfield and..'

crash

Receive by Brunately.

A beautiful pass.

[laughing]

Naturally. I threw it.

What a game,
ladies and gentlemen.

What excitement.

Alright. Out of the huddle,
single wing formation.

'It's Brunately to Rockowski.

'Rockowski has the ball.'

'Look at him go.'

'He's over the end-zone
for a touchdown.'

crash

'Gee, Rockowski
has done it again.'

That magic number 22 has won
87 yards for a touchdown.

And now for the
halftime activities.

How do you like that?
22. My old number.

What a game.

Hey, I think I'll put on my
jersey for the second half.

'It's right here in the closet.'

Wait a minute, where is it?
Where'd it go?

My football uniform's gone.

My helmet, my hockey stick.

Even my junior
frog band's swim fins.

That does it.

Somethin' fishy
is goin' on here.

Now think, Flintstone. Think.

Nothing's in the under
closet except Wilma's junk.

Nothing in the garage
because Wilma

made me clean out
that junk last week.

All the important junk
was in this closet.

Wilma!

Do I know where
your football uniform is?

Goodness, Fred,
d-don't you?

Sneaky.

I can't imagine what you
could've done with it?

Very sneaky.

Didn't you throw
it away years ago?

[Fred yelling on the phone]

About your feminine strategy.

Don't look now,
but I think it backfired.

Yes, Fred. Bye.

(Betty)
'Well, you gonna
take the stuff back?'

I can't now.

Fred would never speak
to me again.

We gotta get everything down

to the rummage sale
before we get caught with it.

But the car isn't here.
Barney took it to run an errand.

Oh, no. All that stuff's in it.
Suppose he sees it?

Calm down, Wilma.
It's on the floor in the back.

He won't notice.

Gee, Betty.
I've never deceived Fred before.

I feel just terrible.

Well we can't do anything
about it now. So relax.

Fred'll probably forget
all about it.

Well it took you
long enough to get here.

I called over
half an hour ago.

The closet's over there.

I'm a tax payer,
I've been robbed, I want action.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Uh-huh, just as I thought.

- What, what?
- Inside job.

Funny though.

Funny? Heh!
I'm hysterical.

Now who took my stuff?

It's not the work
of a professional.

A pro wouldn't take
the junk you described.

- Now wait a min..
- I got it.

It's the work
of a kleptomaniac.

- Typical case.
- A klepto, who?

Kleptomaniac. Someone
with a compulsion to steal.

One of your friends
is sick, Mr. Flintstone.

- Real sick.
- Hold it.

Are you tryin' to say
someone I know is a thief?

The criminal had free access
to this house

and he took stuff no one
would want in his right mind.

Yeah, you got
a point there.

Hey, wait a minute.

No question about it.
Typical case.

Now you must be kiddin'.
I don't know anyone like that.

You'll never know
until they strike.

These guys go along
perfectly normal for years

and then one day, whamo!

Start to steal,
can't control themselves.

We see a lot of it.

screech

Hiya, Fred. Can I borrow
your hedge trimmer?

Why, sure, Barney boy.

Help yourself.
It's in the garage.

(Barney)
'Oh, thank you.'

[whistling]

It won't take us long to crack
this case, Mr. Flintstone.

Kleptomaniac's aren't your
typical thieves.

- They always get caught.
- How come?

It's part
of the sickness.

They wanna get caught
and go to prison.

Why I seen 'em steal
stuff from a guy

and drive right by his house
with the goods in his car.

- No kiddin'.
- Sure. Give you an example.

Now, let's say,
this was yours.

A kleptomaniac
wouldn't think twice

about drivin' right
by your house and..

Hey, wait a minute.

Orange jersey.

White dots, number 22.

This is yours.

In Barney's car?
It can't be.

Flintstone, I think
we've caught our thief.

Uh, ho-ho-hold it.

There, there, there, there,
there's a mistake.

I didn't say orange
with white dots

I-I said...white
with orange dots.

I..

Well then, how about this?

Look familiar?

I-I-I never seen it before.

Wh-What is it?

It's a hockey stick in and
it answers your description.

Look, Mr. Flintstone.
You filed a complaint.

Now if this is your stuff,
I gotta take the guy in.

[stammering]

That's not my, my hockey stick.

You-you know how
hockey sticks are.

You've seen one of 'em.
You-you've seen 'em all.

[laughing nervously]

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

(officer on phone)
'Car 34, where are you?'

That's my call.

'Come in car 34.'

Ol' Rockery here.

'Proceed to Stoneyway in Wine.'

'Code three.'

I gotta go now, Flintstone.

But keep an eye
on that guy.

He looks suspicious
to me.

Ah, yeah, I'll,
I'll do that thing.

Thanks a lot, officer.

[engine revving]

Say, uh, Fred,
what's with the police?

Oh, no, nothin', Barney.
He was...just askin' directions.

- How do you feel?
- O-oh, Fine.

And say, Fred,
thanks for the hedge clippers.

I've been wantin' to take
'em but I kept on forgettin'.

Barney, old pal, why didn't
you tell me you had trouble?

Oh, gee,
I don't know, Fred.

I didn't think the hedge
looked that bad.

Does Betty know?

No, I don't think so.

Well, it's just as well.

Listen, pal.
I-I just want you to know

that anything I have,
you can have.

'It's alright with me.'

Oh, you're a real sport, Fred.

It's a pleasure
to do business with you.

Yeah, sure, everything's
gonna be alright.

This afternoon we're
goin' to a good doctor.

We are? How come?

Don't you know?

Gee, Fred,
you've been sick?

Oh, Barney.

I should've known
somethin' was wrong

the way you've been acting.

Uh, what's the matter, Fred?
Headaches?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's it.

Oh, you poor little meathead.

I-I-I got a terrible headache.

C-c-come on, come on,
let's go see the doctor now.

Well, sure, Fred.
Anything for a pal.

screech

Dr. Stonewall.
The psychia, the psychiaci..

Hey, hey, Fred.
What's a pasychiachiatrist?

That's psychiatrist, Barney.

He treats sick heads.

Oh, gee, I hope he can help.

Me too, Barney.

Uh, you wait here
while I see if he's in.

Yes. Well now, Mr. Stoneflint,
uh, uh, Flintstone.

You did the right thing.
Yes you did, yes.

Sounds as if your friend
needs help. Help, help.

Now, now, you're sure
you got it straight, doc?

Barney thinks we're here
because of my headache.

Headaches, oh, yes, yes.

Oh, that was the right
thing to do.

In early stages of illness,
the patient

doesn't recognize
his sickness.

Say, speaking of sickness

did I tell you about
my latest operation?

Yeah, ten minutes ago.

Now, what about my friend,
Mr. Rubble?

- He's..
- Pardon me.

Time for my pill.

As I was saying, if he knew
of his illness, the patient..

...would only
deny treatment.

Uh, treatment. Oh my, oh-oh..

I think I'm comin' down with
something. Do I look flushed?

Listen, may be we should
come back another day.

No, no, no.
Your friend is sick, sick, sick.

And when you're sick
you need help.

'I oughta know.'

- Oh, come in, Mr. Hubble.
- Uh, it's Rubble.

Uh, so tell me, doc,
what's with the headaches?

Umm, oh, yes, yes, oh, I wish
you hadn't asked that.

Oh, eegh..

Yesterday, I really had a doozy,
one of the worst I've ever had.

No, no, no.
I meant him, Fred.

Hmm? Oh, oh, well,
if you want to compare..

What I wanted to talk to you
about, doc, is Fred here.

I've been worried
about him, you know.

He's been acting kinda funny
lately, and well, uh..

That's what friends are for.

Say, that's a good
looking lighter, uh..

I've never seen one like it.

I'll have to pick
one up someday.

Anyway, I hope
you can help, doc.

Well, well, don't worry
about a thing.

We'll do all we can,
Mr. Trouble.

The name's Hubble,
uh, Rubble.

(Barney)
'I'll wait for you
outside, Fred.'

Oh, Mr. Rubble.

Uh, may I have
my lighter please?

Huh, oh, oh, sure thing.
I almost forgot.

It sure is pretty.

And speaking of pretty things,
that big leopard skin lamp

in your reception room
is a beaut.

I'd sure like to have that.

Oh, I gotta stop him
before he steals your lamp.

Oh, now, now, now, don't worry.
It's nailed down.

I've had his type before.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it,
he's a kleptomaniac.

We'll start regular appointments
next week.

In the meantime, don't
let him out of your sight.

But can you cure it?

'Can I cure..'

I can assure you, sir, that any
man who walks into this office

walks out a different man

or my name isn't
Dr. uh, uh, Dr.--

Stonewall!

Oh, how do you do, sir?

I've heard some nice things
about your work.

No, no, no.
You're the doctor.

Say, that's right!

Which reminds me, I'm late
for my doctor's appointment.

See you next week. Remember,
don't let him alone a minute.

He's sicker than I am.

I'll have you home
in a minute, Fred.

Well, I could've
driven, Barney.

But, I want you
to just relax.

Here we are.

Now go in, sit down
and close your eyes

and your headache
will go away.

Uh, sure, sure, Barney.

Uh, where are you going?

- Home.
- Straight home?

Oh sure, Fred.
Now get some rest.

Poor old Fred.

Poor old Barney.

He doesn't know how sick
he really is.

Gee, Betty, I'm bushed.

Fighting bargain hungry women
all day is hard work.

I'll say.

The fellas don't know what we
go through to save their money.

What I need
is a nice warm bath.

[sighing]

What you need even more
is a nice, cool husband.

Do you think the old hothead
simmered down yet?

Fred? I hope so.

Anyway, his temper should
improve when he opens

the birthday present
I bought for him.

By the way, I'm sorry I
filled up the car with my stuff.

Are you having yours delivered?

Uh-uh. I left it
at the Will Call desk.

Barney will get it
for me later.

Yoo-hoo!

Fred, I'm home!

Fred. What are you
looking at?

- Barney.
- 'Why?'

'Cause I can't let him
out of my sight, that's why.

Oh, my gosh.
He's walking out to the car.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

You come back here, Fred.

Well, honestly. Men!

- Hiya, Barney.
- Hiya, Fred.

How's the headache?

Oh, better,
m-much better.

Uh, where are you going?

Down to the Bedrock
department store.

I'm gonna pick up
a few things.

Oh, look, Barney, you don't
really wanna go down

to that crowded
department store, do you?

No, I don't want to.
I have to.

- You know how it is.
- Yeah, buddy.

I know how it is.

Now you just take it easy.

I understand
and I'm going with you.

How come, Fred?
You hate shopping.

Barney, there's times when pals
have to stick together.

Even if it means
going shopping.

Are you sure
you have to do this?

'Yeah, Fred, I'm sure.'

Oh, boy. This is worse
than I thought.

It won't take me
too long.

Wait, Barney, wait.
There's too many people.

We'll come back
when it's safer.

Uh-hey, Fred!
Where are you goin'?

We're goin' home.

Boy, that Fred is a fast worker.

Wonder what Wilma will say
when he gets home.

My wife asked me
to pick up some things.

Don't fight it,
I know what's best for you.

bam bam bam

You fresh thing.

Mother told me
about men like you.

I'm-I'm sorry, lady.
B-b-but you see I..

I thought you were
my friend Barney and, and..

Oh, my gosh, Barney.
He's still in the store.

I'm sorry, we haven't had time
to wrap these yet.

- But if you'll wait--
- Oh, no, that's okay.

I'll take 'em like this.

I wonder what this stuff is.

"Madam Ruben Stone's
Cold Cream."

Hmm, doesn't feel cold to me.

Don't hold that
up like that.

Someone might see it.

All this so fast.
Where did you get so much?

Oh, I just picked it up
back there at the--

Never mind, never mind.
We gotta get outta here.

Start walking, I'll hide you.
Nobody's suspicious yet.

Oh-oh, I think
the store detective spotted us.

'He's coming this way.'

I think we lost him.

What's up, Fred?
Why are we hiding?

Because you go to prison
for stealing things

in a department store,
you dumb dodo.

Fred, did you
steal something?

Oh, boy.

Look. Barney,
the detective spotted us.

But if we put everything back,
he can't prove a thing.

I'll hold this stuff and you be
on the lookout for--

Uh, Fred, the store detective
is coming this way again.

Oh no. Come on!

We can't get caught
with the goods.

Hey, you two!
Wait a minute!

(Fred)
Maybe we can lose him in
the sporting goods department.

Hey, Fred, look.
I always wanted one of these.

The latest model too.

Pow! Pow-pow!

Pow! Pow-pow-pow!

Oh, quiet, Barney,
what are you trying to do?

Get the whole world in here?
We got to find a place to hide.

There sure isn't
any place in here.

Hey, why don't you
give yourself up?

Aha! Here, here, Barney.
Slip this on.

Gee, I always wanted
a head like this.

- Hey, how do I look?
- 'It's an improvement.'

You look pretty good yourself.

[chuckling]

Alright, alright.

At least no one
will recognize us.

Here comes the detective.
We're trapped.

Not yet.
Just act natural.

Say, did either of you see

a couple of kookie looking guys
come in here?

Ah, yeah. They,
uh, went that way.

Thanks. Ain't nobody
is gonna give me the slip.

We'll hold up in this
toy department

till things quiet down.

(Barney)
'Hey, Fred. Look.'

Come down from there, Barney.
This is no time for games.

Oh-oh, here comes
the detective again.

Oh, my gosh.

'Come on, Barney,
we gotta get outta here.'

Be right down, Fred.

whoosh

Oh, no. Hold it.

thud crash

Hey, that was fun, Fred.
Can we do it again?

What's the matter with you?
Let's get outta here.

whoosh

I think we shook him.

But you keep watch
while I return this stuff.

- Oh, Fred.
- Quiet, Barney.

- 'But, but, Fred.'
- Shh. I'm busy.

- 'Fred, look.'
- Now, you look.

I, I, I, ah..

Okay, light fingers.
Let's go.

I told you, just be quiet,
I would handle everything.

Didn't I?

Well, sure, Fred. But I wanna
ask you a question.

'Yeah?'

How come you had to come
downtown with me today?

Simple, I came along
to keep you out of trouble.

Oh, thanks a lot, Fred.

The boys have been awfully
quiet since we bailed them out.

It's something
they won't forget for a while.

And we won't
let 'em forget.

After you, jailbirds.

[chuckling]

Very funny. Very funny.
Harr haar haar!

Hey, girls, how about
something to eat?

Bein' a criminal sure
gives a guy an appetite.

Oh, what do you think, Wilma?

Do the jailbirds deserve food?

Oh, but of course.

Let's bake them a cake
with a file in it.

To make them feel
right at home.

[chuckling]

Say, you're a comedian, Wilma.
You're a riot!

Now, get out in that kitchen.

Watch your tone, sir.

You're speaking to the girl
that sprung you.

[laughing]

It's lucky for you that I had
a receipt for those things.

Honestly, Fred.

Imagining Barney
was a kleptomaniac.

Yeah. Now I got a record.

I'll have to resign
my membership

at the "Captain Dangers
Boys Club."

Oh, it's just awful.

What I wanna know is
who started all of this?

That's what
I wanna know. Who?

(Wilma)
'Uh, sandwiches are ready.'

Just tell me who.
That's all.

Who took what from behind who's
back without telling who?

Huh? Who, huh? Who?

You're right, Fred.

This whole thing is my fault.

And I'm just as sorry
as I can be.

Will you ever forgive me?

I don't know.

I promise I'll never take
anything of yours

without telling you
again, okay?

That still doesn't
get my stuff back.

Oh yes it does. We never
got to the rummage sale.

Tell him, Wilma.

On our way, we stopped
at Mrs. Rockheads for tea.

And she was packing up
old stuff of Joe's.

(Wilma)
'To give away
without telling him.'

(Betty)
'And we both got this
awful attack of conscience.'

(Wilma)
'We couldn't
go through with--'

Hold it, hold it!
I'm gettin' sea sick.

Get to the point.

I took your things
back with me, Fred.

They're out in the car.
Now, will you forgive me?

Well...alright.

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

You fellows
start on the sandwiches.

You, Mrs. Flintstone?

Yes.

I'm Officer O' Rockery.

There's something
funny going on here.

I don't like
funny stuff on my beat.

What's wrong, officer?

This is my husband.

Yeah, we met.

Had a report of stolen goods

from a Mr. Joe Rockhead
down the street.

Found the goods in the car
parked in front of your house.

Second time it's happened.
Looks suspicious.

Oh, you've made a mistake.

I can explain. Ah, come on.
I'll show you.

You see, these things
belong to my husband.

Brace yourself, Wilma.
You took the wrong box.

Oh, no!

Well, let's hear
the explanation.

Gee, I don't know
where to start.

- I'll give it to you.
- But you'll never believe it.

You see, officer,
the "Ladies Auxiliary"

'was having this rummage sale.'

Sounds pretty fishy to me.

And her husband, had all this
junk he wouldn't throw away.

And so I took it
without telling him.

I wouldn't believe that story
if I saw it on television.

(Betty)
'But for some reason,
Fred thought Barney--'

(Wilma)
'Was a kleptomaniac.
And he was--'

Hold it, hold it.
One at a time.

I'm getting dizzy.

And he was tryin' to get
Barney to return everything.

Honestly, officer,
she's tellin' the truth.

[laughing]

[theme music]

boing

[yawning]

[music continues]

clink

thud

slam

rattle rattle

Wilma!

bang bang bang

'Wilma!'

'Come on, Wilma.
Open this door.'

'Wilma!'