The Fix (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Let's Fix Immigration - full transcript
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix,
the show where we try and solve problems.
This time,
the controversial issue of immigration.
And we'd better be quick,
because, as a British man in the US
without a green card,
I'm living on borrowed time.
Immigration. Some people are pro,
some people are anti.
Some people are on the fence.
And some people are frantically
climbing over that fence
before Border Patrol arrive.
I like my border security
like I like my sex.
Sure, I have boundaries, but occasionally
I let a Mexican man sneak in.
There are immigrants
that have come to America,
stolen jobs
and murdered the local population.
And we call those immigrants
the Founding Fathers.
I can say that because I saw Hamilton.
Loved it.
Some people worry
an immigrant will take their job.
Here's a thought. If someone shows up,
doesn't speak the language,
has no connections or support network
and takes your job on day one,
maybe America doesn't need you.
Now, to fix immigration,
we've got four comedians.
And if they don't get this done
in half an hour,
I'm going to pick up some day laborers
from outside Home Depot
who'll get it done for half the price.
Welcome to The Fix.
So here's how the show works.
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for immigration.
Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show for their favorite,
and that'll be that, problem solved,
civic duty done.
So here to fix immigration
are Katherine Ryan and Joel Kim Booster...
Hey!
And DL Hughley and Al Madrigal!
Later on,
we'll be hearing the team's fixes,
but, before that,
let's take a closer look at the problem.
Joel, what are your experiences
of immigration?
You know, I'm actually adopted.
My family is whiter
than a fresh sheet of snow.
And it's weird,
because I've been here my entire life.
I grew up in the Widwest,
I am as corn-fed as they come.
But if Katherine and I went out to dinner,
people would assume I'm the immigrant.
Whereas you're the person in America
right now
stealing a job from an American comedian.
So...
I guess you didn't see me.
I love the idea that we'd be out on a date
in a restaurant together.
We look like we're from 90 Day Fiancé.
It'd be like...
"Does that old lady know her younger
boyfriend's gay? Does she know?"
"I have no secrets.
I have no secrets at all."
So your experience as an immigrant...
So you're first generation then, right?
Well, kind of.
I mean I was adopted from Korea
as a baby,
so I'm sort of like
a forced immigration situation.
Korean babies in the mid-1980s,
we were the hottest accessory.
Every white family needed one.
It's funny you should mention
forced immigration, because...
What?
If you think you were forced...
Katherine, what about you?
You're Canadian.
You live in Great Britain
and you're here working in America.
- What's your experience as an immigrant?
- My existence anywhere I go
is proof that immigration policy
is just thinly veiled racism.
Everyone's so nice to me.
British people will slag off immigrants
to me.
They're like, "Can you believe so many
immigrants are coming into the country?"
You're dumb as fuck. Look!
But I have the two greatest nationalities
for the current political climate.
I'm Canadian and Irish.
So when Americans were like,
"Screw this vote, I'm moving to Canada,"
and British people were like,
"Screw this vote, I'm moving to Ireland,"
I was like, "Hey, hey, hey."
Still nobody wanted to hit it.
Not even...
My immigration experience is that
my grandfather came to the United States
with nothing but a wound and...
Nothing but a wound?
He just came in injured.
He got stabbed a couple of times,
came in...
He worked with the Chinese
building the railroad.
You're welcome.
Then...
he met my grandmother and,
long story short,
that's why I'm on Netflix
with one of The Original Kings of Comedy,
so there you go.
That's it.
Now, here's a fascinating fact.
Most Americans think immigrants
make up 36% of the population.
But in reality it's only 13.5%.
Because Americans
don't know math for shit.
I wish there were 36% of immigrants
in the United States,
because I'd be more popular.
The fact that that didn't get
a bigger reaction is the problem.
Very nice!
People always feel like there are
more immigrants than there really are.
In the UK, we have the same problem.
They said the city of Birmingham
was 99% Muslim
and that was completely debunked.
No, it's not.
And the guy goes,
"Well, it feels like more."
Feels... He added a racist windchill.
He was like...
- "Well, it feels a bit more Muslim."
- Well, I've got...
Do you want to know what the fact is
in America?
The fact in America is Americans think
23% of immigrants are Muslim.
In reality, it's about 10%.
But it feels like more.
I blame Fox News,
because a lot of Americans don't live
in urban areas, so they don't know.
They're like,
"What's going on in the urban areas?"
and then Fox,
named after a weasely, omnivorous mammal
that digs through the garbage...
...and spends all night
fighting and screaming...
Fox by name, fox by nature.
It's weird that they want
to kick out all the Muslims,
who will probably save them from their
opiate addiction because they're doctors.
If your doctor speaks English,
that means your insurance ain't shit,
you know what I mean?
What cracks me up when they go,
"We want our country back,"
was, as I recall,
when you had the country all to yourself,
you invited us to the party.
It ain't like...
It ain't like we booked the cruise here
because we heard they was hiring.
If you're broke and white in America...
you basically blew a 400-year head start.
But I really think that they think
that somebody's coming
to take something from them
that they should have.
Like there's this inherent believe
that they are entitled to stuff
and anybody else who comes in
is taking something they should have.
I think it should be
the greatest compliment to a nation
that people want to come to America
because it's seen as being
the greatest country in the world.
America has always needed people
that were willing to be taken advantage of
for the betterment of their families.
Like when I hear white supremacists go,
"We built this country,"
no, you all supervised.
Okay moving on, immigration
is a highly-charged political issue.
Take a look at this campaign ad
from Michael Williams,
who ran for Governor of Georgia.
Hi, I'm Michael Williams and, boy,
do we have some exciting news for you.
We have our bus tour ready to go.
But it's not going to be one of those
pansy political bus tours.
We've got the Deportation Bus.
That's right, you heard me.
The Michael Williams Deportation Bus.
We're going to implement
my 287 deportation plan
that's going to fill this bus
with illegals
to send them back
to where they came from.
We're not just going to track them
and watch them roam around our state.
We're going to put them on this bus
and send them home.
See you there.
All I'd like to say is fuck that dude.
And also...
what an idiot.
He's going to tell people where he's
going to be and then round them up?
It looks like just another creepy white
guy trying to lure people into a van.
Honestly, it just sounds
like a really cheap vacation.
Like I'd just go and be like,
"Yeah, I'm a Mexican immigrant.
Can I go back?"
And then it's Cancun, baby!
I do...
I do wonder about the Mexican border,
because obviously that guy wants to drive
a bus full of criminals to Mexico...
and just go, "Can we come in?"
and obviously the Mexican border
just go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Course you can.
Lovely to have you back, fellas."
Okay, do you think open borders
could be the answer?
Yes!
Okay, we've got her, officers. Move in.
I'm all for open borders.
I don't understand why they closed
and Barnes & Noble was able to stay open.
They...
My thing was I know the wall
has been very controversial,
but I think that's Trump's one good idea
because walls work.
- Totally.
- I was in China last year.
I didn't see one Mexican.
Right, I've got a question for you.
Are there any positives
to being an immigrant?
Yeah, there's plenty of positives.
First of all, why don't you tell me?
And secondly...
Everyone thinks I'm British.
I'm actually Irish.
I'm from an Irish family and we moved over
in the early '70s, so I was born...
- Did you get any blowback?
- Yeah, quite a lot.
There would be signs up saying,
"No blacks, no dogs, no Irish."
- Wow.
- I don't get that...
You guys are all the same over there.
You have, like, a different accent.
What is everyone mad about?
I'm so glad you said that to me.
Because I feel that would be
a career-ender for me, my friend.
They do that with Latinos all the time.
They lump everybody together when really
Puerto Ricans don't like Dominicans,
right, or Panamanians and Hondurans.
You can't lump all Latinos together.
It doesn't work.
It's not something that you can do,
but they do it all the time.
They do.
Basically anybody with...
But black guys you can put... No problem.
Absolutely.
And really I found that Puerto Ricans
are just black people who can swim, so...
Okay, what's the dumbest thing
anyone's ever said about your ethnicity?
I remember one time
me and my wife were out to dinner
and they said,
"Your kids are so well behaved and clean."
Like...
Then I made my kids
shit all over everything.
I remember doing stand-up
and I think it was in Des Moines, Iowa,
and somebody came up after the show
and he goes,
"Hey, man, I just want to say
you speak really good English."
I swear to God.
I mean, he's got a point.
You do speak great English.
No, I was gracious.
I just said, "Gracias, puto."
Which...
means, "Thank you, sir."
You know, I've also gotten a lot
of comments about how great my English is
and every time someone says that to me,
I'm like, "No, I'm fully American.
Like most Americans,
I don't know any other languages."
Then, of course, the other one
that I get all the time is like,
"Oh, you're Asian. Is your dick
really small?" And in fact it's...
It's huge. I'm so sorry.
I don't know if that's
because I was adopted by white people
or what happened, but...
That's the best shit
I've ever heard in my life, man.
We're changing the world.
You have a big dick
and I know math. It's fucking great.
You're not going to ask me?
- Oh, sorry, I didn't ask you...
- How big is your dick, Katherine?
Huge.
This long.
That was good.
- Sorry, Katherine. Go on.
- I'm just tired of being overlooked.
I am an immigrant as well
and some people...
Yes, white women have had it too hard
for too long.
Well, that's true.
And now people sometimes say
that I'm privileged...
and entitled...
and it hurts my feelings
and I deserve better.
One of the great things about immigration
is the mixing of cultures.
I've got some fusion foods for you to try.
These are all absolutely genuine foods
available in Los Angeles.
I've got a sushi corndog, a spaghetti taco
and a nacho donut.
No!
And these are all sexual innuendos
as far as I can tell.
Sushi corndog, let's try that first.
Well, I can see
why you're so popular, Joel.
Joel, what does that taste like?
I'm out right now.
I don't believe that cultures should mix.
Try the spaghetti taco.
It's a fusion of cultures.
You literally just took a fucking
taco shell and put spaghetti in it.
That's not an invention.
This is literally something
I would have done in college,
like after smoking a huge-ass blunt.
The original taco is perfect.
There's no need to mess with the taco,
to hollow it out and put pasta in it.
What an outrage.
I mean, I'm kind of into it,
I'm not going to lie.
I'm half Mexican and half Sicilian,
so on paper...
Also, full disclosure,
I came in here with diarrhea.
Nothing we can do can make it worse.
Our last thing is a nacho...
It's a nacho donut.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, what...
Oh, hang on, what happened there?
- It's fucking horrible.
- No!
What is it? Just like...
I would wait an hour in line for this.
I would.
DL, you could not look
any less impressed by this food.
I would rather eat an actual immigrant.
That's what I'm...
I don't want to racially profile here,
but Al Madrigal's going back for more
of the spaghetti taco.
Pretty fucking good. It is.
Joel, what are you... How have you...
Have you seen a taco before?
- That's not how that's done.
- I don't want to eat the shell anymore!
The only part that's bad is the shell.
I like the spaghetti though.
I'm hungry.
They don't feed you at The Fix.
- Let's get rid of the food.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Get that out of here.
That was brutal.
Here on The Fix, we have our very own
data expert. Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
Hey, Mona.
So, Mona, what have you got for us
in the way of data on immigration?
Well, Jimmy, I'm a second-generation
immigrant. Here I am.
And growing up with foreign parents,
here's my mum, Mrs. Chalabi,
made me very aware
about the importance of fitting in.
So I wanted to find out how different
generations of immigrants,
like my mum and me,
assimilate with non-immigrants,
like Chad here.
Let's take a look at the data
in some charts I've drawn.
If you compare a first generation
immigrant with a native-born American,
on average, the Immigrant
is much less likely to commit a crime.
But look what happens when you get to
second-generation immigrants like me.
Well, you want us to integrate, so we do.
We commit crimes at the same rate as
people whose parents aren't foreign-born.
I found similar patterns when it came to
other subjects too, like household income.
First-generation immigrants
typically earn around $45,800 per year.
That's considerably less than
the national number, which is $58,200.
But us second-generation immigrants
do much better than our parents did,
earning just $100 less
than non-immigrants.
You see a similar pattern when it comes
to the likelihood of owning a home
or being in poverty.
However, there is one statistic
where kids who have immigrant parents
out-perform kids who don't.
Education.
Second-generation kids are more likely to
go to college than their Immigrant parents
and their friends
from a native-born family.
So, Jimmy, in conclusion,
I think this means I'm cleverer than you.
Yeah, that story checks out. Okay.
I think it's useful to have
immigrant parents kicking your butt
and reminding you of their journey over
and what they sacrificed just for you.
That's going to keep you in school.
And if they're too heavy-handed,
you might commit a crime.
Al, do you find Mona's data surprising?
No, I'm not surprised by Mona's data,
because I am Mona's data.
What do you mean you are Mona's data?
This is me. We're the same.
This is every generation.
People come here
and they work horrible jobs
so eventually we can wear fancy hats.
It's...
- DL's story starts a lot earlier...
- Sure.
And is a slightly harder journey
than most, I would venture.
They're all hard journeys.
I mean, look, you came over here
on a fucking Virgin flight
on somebody else's dime, so...
It's true.
They are not all hard journeys.
But a lot of us have these rich, rich
immigration stories
where people had to fight for their lives
to make it here
just so they could have a house,
have a job,
and then the second-generation people
are taught to appreciate that.
Can I ask what your parents
make of you being a comedian?
Well, my dad would, when he was alive
and I was starting to do stand-up,
he would he yell at me
every single chance he would get,
because I was supposed to take over
the family business.
So I would be driving up to Sacramento
and he'd go,
"Where the hell are you right now?"
And I'd go, "I'm driving to Sacramento."
"Why in the fuck
are you driving to Sacramento?"
And I would get yelled at
every step of the way.
And then, when I got on TV,
headshot on nightstand.
He is very, very proud.
So cute.
Okay, fascinating stuff. Thank you, Mona.
Bye.
I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted, Jimmy.
The spaghetti taco is...
sort of kicking in right now.
Is it the spaghetti or the taco?
What do you think is the issue here?
A combo, man. Really...
You add some of that sushi corndog
in there.
A bite of the nacho donut.
Okay, we've got to get on with the show
because Al is living
on borrowed time here.
Al, just let it go. Open your borders.
This is the one border
that needs to remain closed, trust me.
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
Time to solve the problem of immigration.
And who better to solve it than someone
who's clearly unwanted in this country?
Please give it up for Katherine Ryan!
Thanks!
Jimmy, my parents were immigrants.
I'm an immigrant.
But nobody treats me like one,
because I look like a harmless,
homegrown white nationalist.
Watch how seamlessly I can blend in.
The lady at the Costco ought to learn
to speak American
or else Brayson and I'll find
someplace else to get our Cheez-Its.
See?
Many racists have decided there are
good immigrants and bad immigrants,
but I can fix
immigrant disapproval statistics
by making immigrants celebrities.
Celebrities get fast-tracked visas
and are classed
as "aliens with extraordinary abilities,"
in stark contrast
to how the government treated ET,
because...
Crucially, before his documentary
with Drew Barrymore came out,
he wasn't famous.
Our fix? A new program, E-Migrants.
A 24-hour channel where you can be
entertained by celebrity asylum-seekers.
Oh, what are they wearing?
What hotspots are they partying at?
How do they stay so thin?
They love a red carpet.
Oh, red is a lucky color
in many Chinese countries.
I'm learning already!
They have great seats at basketball games.
Looks like Leo's got
a new flavor of the month,
and it's curry.
So in summation, since it's too difficult
for us to treat immigrants like people,
we need to start treating them
like celebrities.
It's basically a watch program.
Everybody wins.
Thank you.
So you're saying we treat immigrants
like celebrities,
make a few of them big celebrities, and
then we become well-disposed towards them.
This could work, because I hated Armenians
before the Kardashians.
Now I can't get enough of them.
Yeah, we're going to make all immigrants
celebrities on a 24-hour channel,
E-Migrants.
Okay, how are you going to choose
the celebrities that you make celebrities?
Well, to star on the program,
to really get a good storyline,
you've just got to have some star quality.
You don't have to be a good person.
You could be like that,
"Cash me outside, how bah dat" girl.
She's pretty famous.
Literally, it's like, have
a drinking problem, have a drug problem,
have a past, you know, like...
Sleep with your brother or your mother,
you know.
- Do something interesting.
- Be interesting!
And, you know,
this is the new American Dream.
Get famous on E-Migrants.
And America's going to fall in love
with them, Jimmy.
24 hours a day.
Maybe we could take little immigrant kids
and have them crying in the fucking cage,
yeah, no problem at all.
So, yeah, let's give him a makeover.
That's a great idea, Katherine.
Alright, yes.
Thank you, Al.
We will get the children and put them
in a cage pageant. We will do that.
For Al.
That's what Al wants.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I really apologize.
That's the fucking spaghetti taco talking.
Actually, I've already got another show
called Mextra.
It's very similar.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for immigrant celebrities.
Thank you.
Now, DL and Al,
I know you came on The Fix
looking for a better life
for you and your families.
Let's hear your solution for immigration.
Okay, give it up for DL Hughley!
I alone have figured out how to solve
the immigration problem in America.
My fix, revamp the citizenship test.
Legal immigration is expensive
and a long process.
Just like Jimmy's sex life.
Immigration lawyers charge clients
more than US$ 7,500
to go through the process.
Again, like Jimmy's sex life.
Now, the citizenship test
is too hard and outdated.
It's damn near impossible
for immigrants to become US citizens.
On the flipside,
people against immigration
argue that it's just getting
too crowded up here.
Well, we have a fix
that I think will satisfy both sides.
A new test that covers things
Americans actually know
and what immigrants should know
about America.
Like who is the newest Bachelorette?
And how many boxes of wine
can you put away in one episode?
The answer is three.
But get this, immigrants
won't be the only ones taking this test.
We'll also make current residents take it.
We'll choose them at random,
like jury duty.
But, unlike jury duty, you can't
get out of it by pretending to be racist.
If you fail this new immigration test,
you will be deported.
If you are a US citizen
and you fail the new test,
you will have to do a 23andMe swab.
Whatever nationality
has the highest percentage in your DNA,
that's where your ass is going.
So if you're one 28th Dutch, it is time
to buy some wooden shoes, bitch.
We're going to implement this right now
by taking some old busted questions
and updating them.
Al, ask me some questions.
- Okay, here we go.
- Alright.
Old test. "How many justices
are on the Supreme Court?"
I don't care.
New test. "How many ingredients
are in a Burrito Supreme?"
Ooh!
- Six.
- That is correct.
Old test.
"Who is the father of our country?"
I don't care.
New test. "Who is the father of Blue Ivy?"
Jay-Z.
Another one correct. Old test.
"Who wrote
the Declaration of Independence?"
Who knows?
New test. "Who stole
the Declaration of Independence?"
Nicolas Cage in National Treasure.
Now see, that is a test
that makes me proud to be an American.
So you're going to dictate
who lives in America
with a new,
more relevant citizenship test.
- Absolutely.
- Fantastic idea.
Is it gonna bring
the best and brightest to America
and get rid of the worst and the dumbest?
We don't want all
the rednecks to leave, but...
- Yes, you do.
- We have to feel better than somebody!
Okay, what do you love
about this idea, Al?
You know, it's just dumb enough to work.
It's...
I think
it's an absolutely brilliant plan, DL.
I love the new test,
because it'll keep out the people
that the administration's saying
are coming in with ill will.
To pass that test, you're going to
have to be a fan of America.
How do you know about the burrito?
How do you know about Nicolas Cage
unless you're a true fan?
By the way, Nicolas Cage
stole the Declaration of Independence
at the beginning
and at the end of that movie.
You should need to know that as well.
Knowing that, you're allowed
to bring a friend into the country.
You get... Al gets a plus one.
Okay, has anyone done the 23andMe test?
Have you ever done that?
I am too Irish as it turns out.
Most people, you might be 20%
of what you think that you are.
I'm 94% Irish.
And they asked me to take the test again
just to see.
94% Irish and, what, 6% potato?
I mean...
It just means the women in my family
never went on holiday.
No-one got pregnant in Greece.
They just banged in a circle
in the village...
for, like, thousands
and thousands of years.
- Awesome. Have you ever done this?
- I didn't even know...
I thought 23andMe was a documentary
about Michael Jordan
spending time with an old lady.
Okay, give it up
for the new citizenship test.
Right, so Katherine and Joel are proposing
making immigrants famous in America
and DL and Al are suggesting a test
that dictates
if you can stay in America or not.
It's like Jeopardy,
but with real jeopardy.
On The Fix, we are a democracy,
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
Okay, audience, please vote
for your favorite fix now.
And, remember, if you vote for the winning
team, you get to stay in America.
And I can tell you the votes are in
and the winner, with 68% of the vote,
- DL and Al!
- Oh, no!
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Joel Kim Booster,
DL Hughley and Al Madrigal,
our brilliant data expert Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving more of the world's
problems in five, four, three, two, one...
the show where we try and solve problems.
This time,
the controversial issue of immigration.
And we'd better be quick,
because, as a British man in the US
without a green card,
I'm living on borrowed time.
Immigration. Some people are pro,
some people are anti.
Some people are on the fence.
And some people are frantically
climbing over that fence
before Border Patrol arrive.
I like my border security
like I like my sex.
Sure, I have boundaries, but occasionally
I let a Mexican man sneak in.
There are immigrants
that have come to America,
stolen jobs
and murdered the local population.
And we call those immigrants
the Founding Fathers.
I can say that because I saw Hamilton.
Loved it.
Some people worry
an immigrant will take their job.
Here's a thought. If someone shows up,
doesn't speak the language,
has no connections or support network
and takes your job on day one,
maybe America doesn't need you.
Now, to fix immigration,
we've got four comedians.
And if they don't get this done
in half an hour,
I'm going to pick up some day laborers
from outside Home Depot
who'll get it done for half the price.
Welcome to The Fix.
So here's how the show works.
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for immigration.
Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show for their favorite,
and that'll be that, problem solved,
civic duty done.
So here to fix immigration
are Katherine Ryan and Joel Kim Booster...
Hey!
And DL Hughley and Al Madrigal!
Later on,
we'll be hearing the team's fixes,
but, before that,
let's take a closer look at the problem.
Joel, what are your experiences
of immigration?
You know, I'm actually adopted.
My family is whiter
than a fresh sheet of snow.
And it's weird,
because I've been here my entire life.
I grew up in the Widwest,
I am as corn-fed as they come.
But if Katherine and I went out to dinner,
people would assume I'm the immigrant.
Whereas you're the person in America
right now
stealing a job from an American comedian.
So...
I guess you didn't see me.
I love the idea that we'd be out on a date
in a restaurant together.
We look like we're from 90 Day Fiancé.
It'd be like...
"Does that old lady know her younger
boyfriend's gay? Does she know?"
"I have no secrets.
I have no secrets at all."
So your experience as an immigrant...
So you're first generation then, right?
Well, kind of.
I mean I was adopted from Korea
as a baby,
so I'm sort of like
a forced immigration situation.
Korean babies in the mid-1980s,
we were the hottest accessory.
Every white family needed one.
It's funny you should mention
forced immigration, because...
What?
If you think you were forced...
Katherine, what about you?
You're Canadian.
You live in Great Britain
and you're here working in America.
- What's your experience as an immigrant?
- My existence anywhere I go
is proof that immigration policy
is just thinly veiled racism.
Everyone's so nice to me.
British people will slag off immigrants
to me.
They're like, "Can you believe so many
immigrants are coming into the country?"
You're dumb as fuck. Look!
But I have the two greatest nationalities
for the current political climate.
I'm Canadian and Irish.
So when Americans were like,
"Screw this vote, I'm moving to Canada,"
and British people were like,
"Screw this vote, I'm moving to Ireland,"
I was like, "Hey, hey, hey."
Still nobody wanted to hit it.
Not even...
My immigration experience is that
my grandfather came to the United States
with nothing but a wound and...
Nothing but a wound?
He just came in injured.
He got stabbed a couple of times,
came in...
He worked with the Chinese
building the railroad.
You're welcome.
Then...
he met my grandmother and,
long story short,
that's why I'm on Netflix
with one of The Original Kings of Comedy,
so there you go.
That's it.
Now, here's a fascinating fact.
Most Americans think immigrants
make up 36% of the population.
But in reality it's only 13.5%.
Because Americans
don't know math for shit.
I wish there were 36% of immigrants
in the United States,
because I'd be more popular.
The fact that that didn't get
a bigger reaction is the problem.
Very nice!
People always feel like there are
more immigrants than there really are.
In the UK, we have the same problem.
They said the city of Birmingham
was 99% Muslim
and that was completely debunked.
No, it's not.
And the guy goes,
"Well, it feels like more."
Feels... He added a racist windchill.
He was like...
- "Well, it feels a bit more Muslim."
- Well, I've got...
Do you want to know what the fact is
in America?
The fact in America is Americans think
23% of immigrants are Muslim.
In reality, it's about 10%.
But it feels like more.
I blame Fox News,
because a lot of Americans don't live
in urban areas, so they don't know.
They're like,
"What's going on in the urban areas?"
and then Fox,
named after a weasely, omnivorous mammal
that digs through the garbage...
...and spends all night
fighting and screaming...
Fox by name, fox by nature.
It's weird that they want
to kick out all the Muslims,
who will probably save them from their
opiate addiction because they're doctors.
If your doctor speaks English,
that means your insurance ain't shit,
you know what I mean?
What cracks me up when they go,
"We want our country back,"
was, as I recall,
when you had the country all to yourself,
you invited us to the party.
It ain't like...
It ain't like we booked the cruise here
because we heard they was hiring.
If you're broke and white in America...
you basically blew a 400-year head start.
But I really think that they think
that somebody's coming
to take something from them
that they should have.
Like there's this inherent believe
that they are entitled to stuff
and anybody else who comes in
is taking something they should have.
I think it should be
the greatest compliment to a nation
that people want to come to America
because it's seen as being
the greatest country in the world.
America has always needed people
that were willing to be taken advantage of
for the betterment of their families.
Like when I hear white supremacists go,
"We built this country,"
no, you all supervised.
Okay moving on, immigration
is a highly-charged political issue.
Take a look at this campaign ad
from Michael Williams,
who ran for Governor of Georgia.
Hi, I'm Michael Williams and, boy,
do we have some exciting news for you.
We have our bus tour ready to go.
But it's not going to be one of those
pansy political bus tours.
We've got the Deportation Bus.
That's right, you heard me.
The Michael Williams Deportation Bus.
We're going to implement
my 287 deportation plan
that's going to fill this bus
with illegals
to send them back
to where they came from.
We're not just going to track them
and watch them roam around our state.
We're going to put them on this bus
and send them home.
See you there.
All I'd like to say is fuck that dude.
And also...
what an idiot.
He's going to tell people where he's
going to be and then round them up?
It looks like just another creepy white
guy trying to lure people into a van.
Honestly, it just sounds
like a really cheap vacation.
Like I'd just go and be like,
"Yeah, I'm a Mexican immigrant.
Can I go back?"
And then it's Cancun, baby!
I do...
I do wonder about the Mexican border,
because obviously that guy wants to drive
a bus full of criminals to Mexico...
and just go, "Can we come in?"
and obviously the Mexican border
just go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Course you can.
Lovely to have you back, fellas."
Okay, do you think open borders
could be the answer?
Yes!
Okay, we've got her, officers. Move in.
I'm all for open borders.
I don't understand why they closed
and Barnes & Noble was able to stay open.
They...
My thing was I know the wall
has been very controversial,
but I think that's Trump's one good idea
because walls work.
- Totally.
- I was in China last year.
I didn't see one Mexican.
Right, I've got a question for you.
Are there any positives
to being an immigrant?
Yeah, there's plenty of positives.
First of all, why don't you tell me?
And secondly...
Everyone thinks I'm British.
I'm actually Irish.
I'm from an Irish family and we moved over
in the early '70s, so I was born...
- Did you get any blowback?
- Yeah, quite a lot.
There would be signs up saying,
"No blacks, no dogs, no Irish."
- Wow.
- I don't get that...
You guys are all the same over there.
You have, like, a different accent.
What is everyone mad about?
I'm so glad you said that to me.
Because I feel that would be
a career-ender for me, my friend.
They do that with Latinos all the time.
They lump everybody together when really
Puerto Ricans don't like Dominicans,
right, or Panamanians and Hondurans.
You can't lump all Latinos together.
It doesn't work.
It's not something that you can do,
but they do it all the time.
They do.
Basically anybody with...
But black guys you can put... No problem.
Absolutely.
And really I found that Puerto Ricans
are just black people who can swim, so...
Okay, what's the dumbest thing
anyone's ever said about your ethnicity?
I remember one time
me and my wife were out to dinner
and they said,
"Your kids are so well behaved and clean."
Like...
Then I made my kids
shit all over everything.
I remember doing stand-up
and I think it was in Des Moines, Iowa,
and somebody came up after the show
and he goes,
"Hey, man, I just want to say
you speak really good English."
I swear to God.
I mean, he's got a point.
You do speak great English.
No, I was gracious.
I just said, "Gracias, puto."
Which...
means, "Thank you, sir."
You know, I've also gotten a lot
of comments about how great my English is
and every time someone says that to me,
I'm like, "No, I'm fully American.
Like most Americans,
I don't know any other languages."
Then, of course, the other one
that I get all the time is like,
"Oh, you're Asian. Is your dick
really small?" And in fact it's...
It's huge. I'm so sorry.
I don't know if that's
because I was adopted by white people
or what happened, but...
That's the best shit
I've ever heard in my life, man.
We're changing the world.
You have a big dick
and I know math. It's fucking great.
You're not going to ask me?
- Oh, sorry, I didn't ask you...
- How big is your dick, Katherine?
Huge.
This long.
That was good.
- Sorry, Katherine. Go on.
- I'm just tired of being overlooked.
I am an immigrant as well
and some people...
Yes, white women have had it too hard
for too long.
Well, that's true.
And now people sometimes say
that I'm privileged...
and entitled...
and it hurts my feelings
and I deserve better.
One of the great things about immigration
is the mixing of cultures.
I've got some fusion foods for you to try.
These are all absolutely genuine foods
available in Los Angeles.
I've got a sushi corndog, a spaghetti taco
and a nacho donut.
No!
And these are all sexual innuendos
as far as I can tell.
Sushi corndog, let's try that first.
Well, I can see
why you're so popular, Joel.
Joel, what does that taste like?
I'm out right now.
I don't believe that cultures should mix.
Try the spaghetti taco.
It's a fusion of cultures.
You literally just took a fucking
taco shell and put spaghetti in it.
That's not an invention.
This is literally something
I would have done in college,
like after smoking a huge-ass blunt.
The original taco is perfect.
There's no need to mess with the taco,
to hollow it out and put pasta in it.
What an outrage.
I mean, I'm kind of into it,
I'm not going to lie.
I'm half Mexican and half Sicilian,
so on paper...
Also, full disclosure,
I came in here with diarrhea.
Nothing we can do can make it worse.
Our last thing is a nacho...
It's a nacho donut.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, what...
Oh, hang on, what happened there?
- It's fucking horrible.
- No!
What is it? Just like...
I would wait an hour in line for this.
I would.
DL, you could not look
any less impressed by this food.
I would rather eat an actual immigrant.
That's what I'm...
I don't want to racially profile here,
but Al Madrigal's going back for more
of the spaghetti taco.
Pretty fucking good. It is.
Joel, what are you... How have you...
Have you seen a taco before?
- That's not how that's done.
- I don't want to eat the shell anymore!
The only part that's bad is the shell.
I like the spaghetti though.
I'm hungry.
They don't feed you at The Fix.
- Let's get rid of the food.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Get that out of here.
That was brutal.
Here on The Fix, we have our very own
data expert. Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
Hey, Mona.
So, Mona, what have you got for us
in the way of data on immigration?
Well, Jimmy, I'm a second-generation
immigrant. Here I am.
And growing up with foreign parents,
here's my mum, Mrs. Chalabi,
made me very aware
about the importance of fitting in.
So I wanted to find out how different
generations of immigrants,
like my mum and me,
assimilate with non-immigrants,
like Chad here.
Let's take a look at the data
in some charts I've drawn.
If you compare a first generation
immigrant with a native-born American,
on average, the Immigrant
is much less likely to commit a crime.
But look what happens when you get to
second-generation immigrants like me.
Well, you want us to integrate, so we do.
We commit crimes at the same rate as
people whose parents aren't foreign-born.
I found similar patterns when it came to
other subjects too, like household income.
First-generation immigrants
typically earn around $45,800 per year.
That's considerably less than
the national number, which is $58,200.
But us second-generation immigrants
do much better than our parents did,
earning just $100 less
than non-immigrants.
You see a similar pattern when it comes
to the likelihood of owning a home
or being in poverty.
However, there is one statistic
where kids who have immigrant parents
out-perform kids who don't.
Education.
Second-generation kids are more likely to
go to college than their Immigrant parents
and their friends
from a native-born family.
So, Jimmy, in conclusion,
I think this means I'm cleverer than you.
Yeah, that story checks out. Okay.
I think it's useful to have
immigrant parents kicking your butt
and reminding you of their journey over
and what they sacrificed just for you.
That's going to keep you in school.
And if they're too heavy-handed,
you might commit a crime.
Al, do you find Mona's data surprising?
No, I'm not surprised by Mona's data,
because I am Mona's data.
What do you mean you are Mona's data?
This is me. We're the same.
This is every generation.
People come here
and they work horrible jobs
so eventually we can wear fancy hats.
It's...
- DL's story starts a lot earlier...
- Sure.
And is a slightly harder journey
than most, I would venture.
They're all hard journeys.
I mean, look, you came over here
on a fucking Virgin flight
on somebody else's dime, so...
It's true.
They are not all hard journeys.
But a lot of us have these rich, rich
immigration stories
where people had to fight for their lives
to make it here
just so they could have a house,
have a job,
and then the second-generation people
are taught to appreciate that.
Can I ask what your parents
make of you being a comedian?
Well, my dad would, when he was alive
and I was starting to do stand-up,
he would he yell at me
every single chance he would get,
because I was supposed to take over
the family business.
So I would be driving up to Sacramento
and he'd go,
"Where the hell are you right now?"
And I'd go, "I'm driving to Sacramento."
"Why in the fuck
are you driving to Sacramento?"
And I would get yelled at
every step of the way.
And then, when I got on TV,
headshot on nightstand.
He is very, very proud.
So cute.
Okay, fascinating stuff. Thank you, Mona.
Bye.
I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted, Jimmy.
The spaghetti taco is...
sort of kicking in right now.
Is it the spaghetti or the taco?
What do you think is the issue here?
A combo, man. Really...
You add some of that sushi corndog
in there.
A bite of the nacho donut.
Okay, we've got to get on with the show
because Al is living
on borrowed time here.
Al, just let it go. Open your borders.
This is the one border
that needs to remain closed, trust me.
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
Time to solve the problem of immigration.
And who better to solve it than someone
who's clearly unwanted in this country?
Please give it up for Katherine Ryan!
Thanks!
Jimmy, my parents were immigrants.
I'm an immigrant.
But nobody treats me like one,
because I look like a harmless,
homegrown white nationalist.
Watch how seamlessly I can blend in.
The lady at the Costco ought to learn
to speak American
or else Brayson and I'll find
someplace else to get our Cheez-Its.
See?
Many racists have decided there are
good immigrants and bad immigrants,
but I can fix
immigrant disapproval statistics
by making immigrants celebrities.
Celebrities get fast-tracked visas
and are classed
as "aliens with extraordinary abilities,"
in stark contrast
to how the government treated ET,
because...
Crucially, before his documentary
with Drew Barrymore came out,
he wasn't famous.
Our fix? A new program, E-Migrants.
A 24-hour channel where you can be
entertained by celebrity asylum-seekers.
Oh, what are they wearing?
What hotspots are they partying at?
How do they stay so thin?
They love a red carpet.
Oh, red is a lucky color
in many Chinese countries.
I'm learning already!
They have great seats at basketball games.
Looks like Leo's got
a new flavor of the month,
and it's curry.
So in summation, since it's too difficult
for us to treat immigrants like people,
we need to start treating them
like celebrities.
It's basically a watch program.
Everybody wins.
Thank you.
So you're saying we treat immigrants
like celebrities,
make a few of them big celebrities, and
then we become well-disposed towards them.
This could work, because I hated Armenians
before the Kardashians.
Now I can't get enough of them.
Yeah, we're going to make all immigrants
celebrities on a 24-hour channel,
E-Migrants.
Okay, how are you going to choose
the celebrities that you make celebrities?
Well, to star on the program,
to really get a good storyline,
you've just got to have some star quality.
You don't have to be a good person.
You could be like that,
"Cash me outside, how bah dat" girl.
She's pretty famous.
Literally, it's like, have
a drinking problem, have a drug problem,
have a past, you know, like...
Sleep with your brother or your mother,
you know.
- Do something interesting.
- Be interesting!
And, you know,
this is the new American Dream.
Get famous on E-Migrants.
And America's going to fall in love
with them, Jimmy.
24 hours a day.
Maybe we could take little immigrant kids
and have them crying in the fucking cage,
yeah, no problem at all.
So, yeah, let's give him a makeover.
That's a great idea, Katherine.
Alright, yes.
Thank you, Al.
We will get the children and put them
in a cage pageant. We will do that.
For Al.
That's what Al wants.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I really apologize.
That's the fucking spaghetti taco talking.
Actually, I've already got another show
called Mextra.
It's very similar.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for immigrant celebrities.
Thank you.
Now, DL and Al,
I know you came on The Fix
looking for a better life
for you and your families.
Let's hear your solution for immigration.
Okay, give it up for DL Hughley!
I alone have figured out how to solve
the immigration problem in America.
My fix, revamp the citizenship test.
Legal immigration is expensive
and a long process.
Just like Jimmy's sex life.
Immigration lawyers charge clients
more than US$ 7,500
to go through the process.
Again, like Jimmy's sex life.
Now, the citizenship test
is too hard and outdated.
It's damn near impossible
for immigrants to become US citizens.
On the flipside,
people against immigration
argue that it's just getting
too crowded up here.
Well, we have a fix
that I think will satisfy both sides.
A new test that covers things
Americans actually know
and what immigrants should know
about America.
Like who is the newest Bachelorette?
And how many boxes of wine
can you put away in one episode?
The answer is three.
But get this, immigrants
won't be the only ones taking this test.
We'll also make current residents take it.
We'll choose them at random,
like jury duty.
But, unlike jury duty, you can't
get out of it by pretending to be racist.
If you fail this new immigration test,
you will be deported.
If you are a US citizen
and you fail the new test,
you will have to do a 23andMe swab.
Whatever nationality
has the highest percentage in your DNA,
that's where your ass is going.
So if you're one 28th Dutch, it is time
to buy some wooden shoes, bitch.
We're going to implement this right now
by taking some old busted questions
and updating them.
Al, ask me some questions.
- Okay, here we go.
- Alright.
Old test. "How many justices
are on the Supreme Court?"
I don't care.
New test. "How many ingredients
are in a Burrito Supreme?"
Ooh!
- Six.
- That is correct.
Old test.
"Who is the father of our country?"
I don't care.
New test. "Who is the father of Blue Ivy?"
Jay-Z.
Another one correct. Old test.
"Who wrote
the Declaration of Independence?"
Who knows?
New test. "Who stole
the Declaration of Independence?"
Nicolas Cage in National Treasure.
Now see, that is a test
that makes me proud to be an American.
So you're going to dictate
who lives in America
with a new,
more relevant citizenship test.
- Absolutely.
- Fantastic idea.
Is it gonna bring
the best and brightest to America
and get rid of the worst and the dumbest?
We don't want all
the rednecks to leave, but...
- Yes, you do.
- We have to feel better than somebody!
Okay, what do you love
about this idea, Al?
You know, it's just dumb enough to work.
It's...
I think
it's an absolutely brilliant plan, DL.
I love the new test,
because it'll keep out the people
that the administration's saying
are coming in with ill will.
To pass that test, you're going to
have to be a fan of America.
How do you know about the burrito?
How do you know about Nicolas Cage
unless you're a true fan?
By the way, Nicolas Cage
stole the Declaration of Independence
at the beginning
and at the end of that movie.
You should need to know that as well.
Knowing that, you're allowed
to bring a friend into the country.
You get... Al gets a plus one.
Okay, has anyone done the 23andMe test?
Have you ever done that?
I am too Irish as it turns out.
Most people, you might be 20%
of what you think that you are.
I'm 94% Irish.
And they asked me to take the test again
just to see.
94% Irish and, what, 6% potato?
I mean...
It just means the women in my family
never went on holiday.
No-one got pregnant in Greece.
They just banged in a circle
in the village...
for, like, thousands
and thousands of years.
- Awesome. Have you ever done this?
- I didn't even know...
I thought 23andMe was a documentary
about Michael Jordan
spending time with an old lady.
Okay, give it up
for the new citizenship test.
Right, so Katherine and Joel are proposing
making immigrants famous in America
and DL and Al are suggesting a test
that dictates
if you can stay in America or not.
It's like Jeopardy,
but with real jeopardy.
On The Fix, we are a democracy,
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
Okay, audience, please vote
for your favorite fix now.
And, remember, if you vote for the winning
team, you get to stay in America.
And I can tell you the votes are in
and the winner, with 68% of the vote,
- DL and Al!
- Oh, no!
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Joel Kim Booster,
DL Hughley and Al Madrigal,
our brilliant data expert Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving more of the world's
problems in five, four, three, two, one...