The Fix (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Let's Fix Gentrification - full transcript
[cheering and applause]
Hello, I’m Jimmy Carr
and this is The Fix.
Where we try to solve major world problems
using intellectual prowess,
radical ideas, and dick jokes.
[laughter]
In this episode,
we’re going to fix the problem
of gentrification.
Gentrification occurs
when affluent people move
into a poor area and change its character.
Basically, it's white people moving in
and everyone saying,
"There goes the neighborhood."
[laughter]
Gentrification is a real problem.
It can lead to people being priced out
the property market,
a loss of community spirit,
and the need to travel much further
to score off a street dealer.
[laughter]
No one's working
those corners in Brooklyn anymore,
unless you're buying kombucha.
[laughter]
And thanks to gentrification,
one of the worst places
for rent is in America is Oakland,
due to dodgy landlords, rising rents,
and the fact you're in Oakland.
[laughter]
There simply aren't enough
affordable houses in America.
For any New Yorkers watching,
a house is a building you live in
where the kitchen, bedroom, and toilet
are allseparate rooms.
[laughter]
[whooping and applause]
Many young people simply can't afford
to move out of home.
Of course, the best thing
about living with your mom
is getting your laundry done,
home cooking, and obviously the sex.
[laughter]
But we need a more practical solution.
And who better to come up with a solution
than comedians?
Welcome to The Fix.
[cheering and applause]
[intro music plays]
So here's how the show works,
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a solution for
gentrification, and our studio audience
will be voting at the end of the show
for their favorite fix.
So, here to fix gentrification are
Katherine Ryan and Nicole Byer.
[cheering and applause]
And DL Hughley and Moshe Kasher.
[cheering and applause]
Later on,
we'll be hearing both team's fixes,
but before that
let's take a closer look at the problem.
Gentrification, what do you think?
What are your views?
Gentrification is complicated, right?
'Cause the problem with it is,
once you’ve noticed it’s happening,
It's too late to stop it, right?
It's like, you look out the window,
there's one guy on a unicycle.
You look, you're like,
"Look, one weirdo!" Right?
Four guys on a unicycle and you’re like,
“Oh shit, it’s too late,
I’m in Unicycle Town.”
[laughter]
Nine guys on a unicycle.
“Dude, you’re at Burning Man.
Welcome home, brother.”
[laughter]
So, the neighborhood you grew up in,
has it changed?
My neighborhood?
- Yeah.
- I'm from Oakland, California.
The neighborhood you...
disparaged in your monologue, yeah.
I'm from Oakland. [imitates gunfire]
[laughter]
No, actually, the truth is,
due to the effects of gentrification,
that “bra-bra” sound effect makes
decreasing sense
every time I go back for a visit.
Now, it's more like,
"I'm from Oakland."
[imitates coffee machine]
"Latte?"
[laughter]
What about you, DL?
Has the neighborhood you grew up in...
I grew up on 135th and Avalon.
White people ain’t never gonna move there.
Never.
135th and Avalon?
They'll never get that back.
Never.
My mother added on to our house.
You know they ain't moving out, so.
[laughter]
- Nicole, what about you?
- What?
My neighborhood or gentrification?
What do you think about gentrification?
I love it!
I love when a Whole Foods comes,
because then I can steal from the hot bar.
I love it.
- [applause]
- I love when little boutiques come,
cause then I can steal
little knick-knacks,
and I love paying $15
for some simple eggs at brunch.
I love it. I'm here for it.
What about the neighborhood
you grew up in? Has that changed?
I grew up around a bunch of white people,
so I was trying to reverse gentrify,
and they said, “Get out!”
[laughter]
Didn't work.
Katherine, what about you?
Gentrification is disgusting,
I hate white people
and I don't want to be around them.
[laughter]
No one show her a mirror.
Listen, Jimmy,
I feel safest around black women.
I like the way they vote,
I like the way they parent,
the way they don't put up
with Tristan Thompson's nonsense.
[crowd exclaims, applauds]
Tristan...
Obviously I know what you’re talking about
when you say Tristan Thompson’s nonsense.
But who is Tristan Thompson's Nonsense?
Khloe Kardashian's baby daddy,
he cheated on her
while she was giving birth.
- It was a whole thing!
- It was a mess!
What? Of course he cheated on her
while she was giving birth, it was busy.
[laughter]
This is why I hate white people.
[laughter]
I mean, my issue is,
I grew up in a predominantly black city,
on welfare, Jews on welfare.
Very, very rare. Very rare.
Can I get a picture of this?
Somebody take this, right here.
[laughter]
[DL] That's so...
That's the dopest shit I've ever heard.
Go ahead.
If you can catch me, I'll grant you
a wish, but I'm very tricky.
[laughter]
I had two disabled parents,
public school, latchkey kids, so like...
And when Oakland became gentrified,
I couldn't participate.
I wasn't at the socio-economic bracket
to be able to do that,
which is why,
when I finally got old enough,
I packed up my hobo sack,
threw an ukulele there
all my pickling gear, moved to L.A.,
to the historically Mexican neighborhood
of Los Angeles, so that I could finally
be a participant in gentrification.
- Not just a bystander.
- You're living the dream.
Living the dream.
[applause]
I'm from a very discounted neighborhood
in Canada.
And recently I moved to the UK, and now,
I live in a fancy London neighborhood
where all kinds of white women
in their activewear are asking me to like,
go skiing and play tennis,
but I'm not interested in that at all.
I bought
one of the most expensive properties
anyone's ever owned in my family,
but it's also the smallest
and they're very confused.
[laughter]
Very confused. They're like,
"Don't you know
what size house
you could get in your home town?"
I'm like,
"What room would I kill myself in?"
[laughter]
What's the worst neighborhood
you've ever lived in?
I mean, I lived in Harlem
and I loved Harlem,
and it made me sad when white people
moved in, 'cause like
I don't want soul food with like,
mayonnaise in it, or like...
Soul food with whatever imaginary spice
white people cook with.
Mayonnaise is a spice.
[laughter]
I lived in Hawthorne, California,
and one Christmas,
this girl got mad at her boyfriend
and stuck a Christmas tree in his car
and lit it on fire.
[laughter]
And she's here tonight.
[laughter]
And my wife wanted to move,
she said it's getting too rough,
but the landlord said,
"We'll drop your rent by $300."
I said, "Let's stay."
[laughter]
You still live in the mean streets?
No.
I live in Calabasas, I do.
But this is a true story.
So I moved in...
I moved in about 18 years ago to Calabasas
and then Justin Bieber moved there,
and all the police would come in
our neighborhood all the time,
and I was like,
"I moved away from Compton...
[laughter]
...and now I'm calling the police
on the Canadian, how shit has changed."
[laughter]
Well, he did throw eggs at your house.
[laughter]
Okay, here's a fact for you.
Downtown Los Angeles is the most
gentrified neighborhood in the US.
Since 2000, the cost of a home
has increased by 707%.
Downtown is really expensive.
Y’all pay like 500 dollars
for dinner, then look out the window
and see some man taking a shit.
- Because...
- [laughter]
The restaurant took
the place of his toilet.
[laughter]
Truly. You'll be like,
"That was delicious."
- Oh!
- [laughter]
But sometimes,
the butt is nice and you're like,
"Hoo! Dessert!"
[laughter]
Do you think cities get less interesting
when rich people move in?
I do. White people are boring, no offense.
I can only hear about kale so many times.
I get it. Kale is kale.
[laughter]
I love the idea of a blind person
watching this program
and hearing your voice,
"I think that white people are boring!"
[laughter]
They'd be like, "Why is she talking
about herself?"
[laughter]
I grew up around a bunch of white people
so I stole from them.
- [laughter]
- Now that's culture appropriation,
and it's a different episode.
[laughter]
But it's weird, 'cause you find yourself
in weird situations, like, I remember...
This dude who lives in my neigh...
I don't wanna say his name,
'cause he could sue me
and I'm sure he got great lawyers, but...
[laughter]
He comes to my door,
he's a famous musician.
He comes to my door and he goes,
"Do you have any weed?" And I'm like,
"How you going to come to me
and ask me if I have weed?"
And then I said, "Hold on a minute."
And then I had...
[laughter]
[applause]
I couldn't get mad so we got high together
and wrote a song, it was dope.
[laughter]
My favorite part of that story is that
minutes ago, you told me Justin Bieber
moved into your neighborhood.
[laughter]
And now you're like,
"Well, I don't wantto get litigious
and say his name,
but he's a juvenile delinquent
that smoked weed with me."
I know it's Justin.
[laughter]
Gentrification often starts
with hipsters moving in
and opening tone-deaf businesses.
The Cereal Killer Cafe in London
is a prime example.
It sells bowls of imported cereal
for $5 a piece.
Here's the owner.
You might not have that
- for breakfast every morning, though.
- Yeah.
But it's good, like,
with the strawberry milk as well,
it's strawberries and sort of cream flavor
to it as well.
- And this one was three pounds?
- Yeah.
- Do you think that's...
- Sorry, three-twenty.
- Three-twenty?
- Yeah.
Do you think that's affordable
for the area considering...
- I think it's cheap for the area. Yeah.
- Really?
Because it's one
of the poorest parts of London.
Three pounds for a bowl of cereal...
It's imported cereal from America.
So, what does that mean?
What does that mean
for people that live locally?
This isn't one
of the poorest areas, is it?
Yeah, Tower Hamlets is one
of the poorest areas in London.
- Okay.
- You think local people
will be able to afford
three-pound-twenty cereal?
Well, if they're poor, probably not then.
- [audience booing]
- In the shop owner's defense,
that interview was clearly
after his Lucky Charms.
[laughter]
Cereal Killer Cafe is great!
You can have banana milk.
You can have mint chocolate milk,
chocolate milk, strawberry milk.
All these lovely cereals,
I've been living in England ten years,
there's only gruel.
There's porridge, and there's bacon,
and there's death.
Go to the Cereal Killer Cafe,
and it's all lovely, and you can put
marshmallows in it and chocolate chips.
They're good people.
They're taking money from hipsters
and getting them hooked on sugar
till they die of diabetes.
[laughter]
- Okay. What do you think, Nicole?
- I don't know, that's some white nonsense.
Who leaves their house
for a bowl of cereal?
- [laughter]
- Who?
- [applause]
- I would never!
[Carr] Well, okay.
Nicole, you make a very good point,
because, what we're talking about
these hipster businesses is
white nonsense.
Okay, there's a store.
This is a genuine business.
It's called Empire Mayonnaise.
It only sells artisanal mayonnaise.
- Who's just eating scoops of mayonnaise?
- [laughter]
This boy.
Okay, there's a place in London,
where there's like crazy golf,
you know, crazy golf,
and they put that inside
in the middle of London.
And it's called Swingers.
- [DL chuckles]
- [Nicole] What did you say?
- Crazy golf?
- He means mini golf.
Oh. [laughs]
[laughter]
[Nicole] I was like, what...
I truly was like, what is that?
People are like... "Goo-ga boo-ga!"
[laughter]
I didn't know what crazy golf meant.
So, what was your crazy?
Your read on crazy was what?
- [vocalizes]
- [laughter]
You know, how crazy people go.
[laughter]
If you had to start
a hipster business, Moshe?
Dude, I could open a Kinkos
and it would be a hipster business.
- Look at me.
- [laughter]
You do look like such a hipster.
Well, your ancestors gentrified India.
What did my people take,
like, Williamsburg?
[laughter]
I'm a jew, we were there first!
[laughter and applause]
Can I say?
This white on white violence gotta stop.
[laughter]
Okay.
Because of a lack of affordable housing,
a third of American millennials
still live with their parents.
They're called "Boomerang Children,"
cause they're tough to throw away.
- [laughter]
- [DL] It's true.
I've three grown-ass Millennials
that live with me.
Yes, you live in Calabasas,
- they're never leaving.
- [DL] Right!
[laughter]
I paid for all of them to graduate
from college, paid my wife to graduate,
I got a GED, but I'm the only one working.
I'm like "What the fuck is this?"
[laughter]
In Italy, the kids
that are still living at home
are called bamboccioni,
which means "big babies."
- [crowd "awws"]
- [Carr] Kind of adorable, right?
In Japan, they're called...
Parasito Shinguru,
which means,
"single parasites."
[laughter]
Thank you, Japanese mom and dad.
I guess I'm not welcome.
Have you ever lived with your parents
as an adult? Nicole?
[Nicole] No,
cause my parents are dead,
which is sad, but, like, it's the truth.
Let me just do a recheck of that,
are your parents dead?
[laughter]
Yeah, they're real dead.
- Okay, I was just checking...
- So if I lived with them, that'd be scary.
I'd be living with a bunch of ghosts.
They'd be haunting me to
go get another job and do chores.
I'd be like, "Stop it!"
[laughter]
I think we've just come up
with a sitcom idea.
[laughter]
Catherine, you've got a daughter,
how long does she got?
I want my daughter
to live with me forever.
If anything, I'm trying to keep my parents
out from moving back in with me,
'cause I've got the nicer place.
My daughter can live with me
as long as she wants,
I just really hate her friends.
Those are the ones that are the problem.
Because they wanna have their friends over
all the time, and all these girls,
"Hello Catherine, I think you're so nice,
I love your house,
I love your dogs."
You're friends with my kid, not with me.
Don't look at me, don't talk to me,
get out.
[laughter]
[Carr] Now,
here on The Fix, we have
our very own data expert,
please welcome Mona Chalabi.
[cheering and applause]
- Hi, Mona.
- Hi, Jimmy.
We're talking about gentrification,
have you got data for us, Mona?
[Mona] I do.
There are lots of different ways
to measure gentrification.
You can see where the coffee shops pop up,
how rents change, or you can take a look
at something a bit different,
which dogs are moving
into the neighborhood.
- [Katherine gasps]
- [laughter]
In some cities, you have to register
your dog with local authorities,
which means there's reliable data
about how those cities are changing.
Let's take a look at just one, New York.
I've made some illustrations to explain.
In Manhattan, the rich are leaving
their traditional stronghold
on the upper east side
and trading in their homes
for ones downtown. Why?
Because downtown home prices are
fast increasing
so they know they'll get a good return.
As a result, these downtown areas
have seen their racial makeup change.
The Asian population has declined
and the white population has risen.
And with the new residents,
comes a new pet to the area, the Poodle.
[Poodle barks]
That's not the only place expensive dogs
and their gentrifying owners
are moving in.
In Brooklyn, the borough where rents
are rising the fastest,
there's been an increase in pedigree dogs,
like French Bulldogs.
- [barking]
- Elsewhere, though,
where hipsters are still fronted to shop,
let alone live,
and families in lower socioeconomic groups
haven't yet been pushed out,
the breeds have stayed pretty stable,
the Rottweiler continues to reign supreme
in the Bronx.
- [barking]
- [laughter]
Meanwhile, the American pitbull
holds steady in Queens.
In Staten Island, there are very few
expensive Pinschers to be found,
as it's a borough relatively
untouched by gentrification.
So, German Shepherds continue to be
the dog of choice.
But it might not be long
before gentrifiers realize
there are low rents and green space
to be had in Staten Island,
and then a different breed of dog
might take up residence.
So Jimmy, the data suggests that
the dog you own says a lot about you.
Which dog do you own?
Well, I've got pit bulls,
but it's not what you think,
I use them for fighting.
[laughter]
No, I've got... I've got dogs.
I think they're called Min Pins
in the States. They're like,
sort of a Doberman Pinscher,
but far away.
- [laughter]
- [Carr] I've got a picture.
[Mona] We'll take a look.
- [Carr] There's my dogs.
- [crows "awws"]
- [Carr] Yeah.
- [Mona] This type of breed
is overwhelmingly found
among Manhattan residents.
So, basically, this is a bit of a clue
that maybe you're a gentrifier, Jimmy.
Have a look at another picture of my dog,
and then make up your mind
if I'm a gentrifier.
[laughter]
[applause]
Sure, he's smoking a pipe. I love him.
You know what's funny, Jimmy,
I have an apartment in Tribeca.
And I knew
that the neighborhood was different
when I saw a dog
with wheels on the back, you know,
when the back legs don't work.
[laughter]
And they got a wheelie dog
and they won't...
Like, something happened to him.
But he rolls past the doorman,
and I go,
"I made it."
[laughter]
Yeah, in Compton the dog would be like,
"Go on without me."
[laughter]
Do you have a dog now? What have you got?
I have five dogs.
- Five dogs? What are you...
- I have an Akita there for me,
and the funny thing about it, 'cause,
he has cataracts,
he's blind,
and they won't put him down.
So I just gave him a little harmonica
and made him play a Stevie Wonder song.
It's so dope.
[laughter]
Okay, Nicole, do you have a dog?
- I have two dogs.
- What have you got?
Little dumpsters dogs,
they were found on the street,
I brought them inside
and then I dyed their tails
and now they're fancy.
Yeah!
One has a purple tail
and one has an orange tail.
They look so dumb and I love it.
[laughter]
The best dogs you can ever get
are rescue dogs.
Like, you go in right before the time
they're gonna put people to sleep
and you grab one.
That dog will love you for life,
he'd be like, "Thank you, man."
You open the door,
they don't try to run away.
I did the exact same thing
with boyfriends.
[laughter]
[applause]
[DL] Well played.
Where do you go to get
one of those boyfriends?
What kill shelter do you go to?
- [laughter]
- [Nicole] Scoop one up!
You take a man home
and dye his little butt purple.
[laughter]
What about you?
You've got dogs, Katherine?
Yes.
I have exclusive fancy pets.
I have a Tibetan Spaniel, she's Buddhist.
I have a Teacup Yorkshire Terrier,
I have a Teacup Shih Tzu,
a pony, and a cat.
[laughter]
Didn't you start this whole show
by saying you hate white women's nonsense?
[laughter]
Yeah.
Okay, let's fast things up.
Thank you very much indeed, Mona!
[cheering and applause]
Let's get to the heart of the show,
let's get to the fixes.
Catherine and Nicole,
it's time for you to make up for
all the home wrecking you've done
by fixing gentrification.
Please, give it up for Katherine Ryan.
- Thank you.
- [applause]
I was all for gentrification,
until I learned the harsh truth.
It is not a reality show about
transforming bad boys into gentleman.
So now I absolutely hate it,
but I can fix it with Home a-loan!
Gentrification is basically
a homeless maker,
when affluent people move into
a low income urban neighborhood,
it pushes rental prices up
and forces the relocation
of current establishedresidents
and businesses.
The investors buying these properties
aren't even using them.
In 2015, there were 18.6 million
vacant homes in the United States,
enough for every homeless person
in the country to have six.
A homeless doesn't need six homes.
And rich people, neither do you.
[laughter]
Oprah can only bang Stedman
on so many kitchen counters, you know.
[laughter]
Now, this is a very left-wing fix,
very left-wing.
So if you're feeling angry,
just focus on how right-wing I look.
[laughter]
Multiple property owners,
we're going to help ease your house
burden, save you from costly maintenance
and upkeep by giving your extra houses
to people who don't have
any houses at all.
Home-a-loan!
[applause]
So let me get this straight,
you're suggesting we take empty houses
and give them to people that need them.
- Yes.
- So, rich people
aren't gonna give away their second homes.
- How are you gonna convince them?
- The government
will continue to look the other way
on all the tax dodging they're up to...
[laughter]
...if they open their homes
to homeless people,
and then the homeless people
will feel inspired.
You know, Jimmy, it's aspirational to get
a little taste of a lifestyle
that you might be able to get on your own,
and some of these people,
they just, they don't need a handout,
they need a hand up,
- and a free mansion.
- [laughter]
You're sort of being Robin Hood.
What do you like about this idea, Nicole?
I mean, aside from being
a very well written joke,
that's how you solve the homeless problem.
You give them homes, and then,
they can, you know, rebuild their lives.
You've taken away their identity.
[laughter]
I guess, but then they could
become unhomeless
and find a new identity as a home liver.
I don't know.
Once you've shit on the street a bunch,
you deserve a mansion.
So the idea is that
you take people's second homes
and put homeless people into that.
So this is kind of a fun idea
to think of like,
you know, the Hamptons and Aspen
suddenly just
filled with people
from downtown L.A., like,
- "Welcome to the neighborhood."
- [laughter]
But also if you gave them vacation homes,
the white people aren't there to see it,
'cause they're not on vacation that time
of the year, you know what I mean?
So you could just...
In the winter, in the Hamptons,
you could have a bunch of homeless people
just living, having fun.
And then in the summer,
they can go to Aspen,
live and have fun,
and they can just travel
from mansion to mansion.
I'm here for it! They become
well-versed and traveled,
- this is good!
- Yeah.
Thanks, Nicole.
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together, the Home-a-loan.
[Katherine] Thank you!
[applause]
Moshe and D.L., you look like
a hipster crime-fighting duo.
It's your turn to fix gentrification,
so please give it up for DL Hughley!
[applause]
In places like Brooklyn,
in downtown Los Angeles,
home values have risen over 700%.
And because of this,
low-income families are being driven
from urban areas.
Now, who's moving in? Hipsters,
a.k.a. rich people spending a lot of money
trying not to look rich.
[laughter]
So my solution is to get those hipsters
out of there,
The Hipsters Homestead Act.
It's similar to the Homestead Act of 1862,
which allows settlers
to take land as long as they farmed it.
We will take the thousands of acres
of government land in the Dakotas,
and give it to hipsters,
willing to give it a cool name,
so hipster feel at home.
We're going to call it Socabo,
[laughter]
which stands
for "South of the Canadian border."
[laughter]
[applause]
[DL] Not into it yet, hipsters?
Check this out.
Couldn't afford tickets to Coachella?
We've got all your favorite bands
doing the show in Socabo,
B.Y.O.M. "Bring your own molly."
[laughter]
Having a hard time reserving the field
so you and your friends
can play kickball or quidditch?
- [laughter]
- Move...
Move to the Dakotas and you'll have
thousands of acres to play
your stupid hipster games, nerds.
[laughter]
So there you have it.
Hipsters won't be able to resist Socabo
and we just fixed gentrification.
[cheering and applause]
So you're suggesting we create a hipster
paradise and in so doing,
protect great neighborhoods
from gentrification.
- Absolutely.
- Would you live there?
No.
- [laughter]
- What if Justin Bieber lived there too?
Then I'd have to.
[laughter]
But I just think giving them
an opportunity...
You tell hipsters it's cool,
they'll do it.
I genuinely think it's brilliant idea
'cause there's huge swathes of America
with very little population.
- Right.
- And if those people went,
and they could set up
their own businesses, farm,
or do go back to the land,
do something fun.
Moshe, what do you like about this idea?
Well, first of all, I love that DL
is deriding hipsters
covered in tattoos with a fedora on.
You, my friend,
are a member of my community.
- [laughter]
- I love it. I would do it.
I would move to South Dakota,
that sounds great.
It would be cool to be like,
"I was into the Dakotas
before they were cool."
You know what I mean?
It's awesome, Dakotas have already
become pre-gentrified.
White people are so pervasive
in that region, they've literally
gentrified the geography of the place.
There are mountains
with white men's faces on them.
- [laughter]
- I'm in.
What about you? Would you move to Socabo?
No.
[laughter]
Not at all.
There are too many white people
in the Dakotas.
So, like, I don't want to be
the only black person there
and be like, "Who can I trust?"
[laughter]
"What's gonna happen? You gonna take me?"
- [laughter]
- [Carr] Okay, give it up
for the Hipster Homestead Act.
[cheering and applause]
So, Katherine and Nicola proposing
stealing houses from the rich
to give to the poor,
literally robbing a hood.
[laughter]
And DL and Moshe are suggesting
building a hipster colony
in states where no one wants to live,
so internment camps but with kombucha.
[laughter]
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
so our audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
Audience, please vote
for your favorite now.
And remember,
this vote is legally binding,
terms and conditions apply,
see small print for details,
your home may be at risk.
[laughter]
I can tell you, the votes are in,
it couldn't be much closer,
the winner with 55% of the votes,
Katherine Ryan.
- Yeah! Thank you!
- [cheering and applause]
- Thank you!
- [Carr] That's that, gentrification fixed.
If you see a mustachioed man riding
a unicycle in your neighborhood,
contact the relevant authorities.
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Nicole Byer,
DL Hughley, and Moshe Kasher,
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio,
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving more
of the world problems
in five, four, three, two, one...
[cheering and applause]
[theme music playing]
Hello, I’m Jimmy Carr
and this is The Fix.
Where we try to solve major world problems
using intellectual prowess,
radical ideas, and dick jokes.
[laughter]
In this episode,
we’re going to fix the problem
of gentrification.
Gentrification occurs
when affluent people move
into a poor area and change its character.
Basically, it's white people moving in
and everyone saying,
"There goes the neighborhood."
[laughter]
Gentrification is a real problem.
It can lead to people being priced out
the property market,
a loss of community spirit,
and the need to travel much further
to score off a street dealer.
[laughter]
No one's working
those corners in Brooklyn anymore,
unless you're buying kombucha.
[laughter]
And thanks to gentrification,
one of the worst places
for rent is in America is Oakland,
due to dodgy landlords, rising rents,
and the fact you're in Oakland.
[laughter]
There simply aren't enough
affordable houses in America.
For any New Yorkers watching,
a house is a building you live in
where the kitchen, bedroom, and toilet
are allseparate rooms.
[laughter]
[whooping and applause]
Many young people simply can't afford
to move out of home.
Of course, the best thing
about living with your mom
is getting your laundry done,
home cooking, and obviously the sex.
[laughter]
But we need a more practical solution.
And who better to come up with a solution
than comedians?
Welcome to The Fix.
[cheering and applause]
[intro music plays]
So here's how the show works,
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a solution for
gentrification, and our studio audience
will be voting at the end of the show
for their favorite fix.
So, here to fix gentrification are
Katherine Ryan and Nicole Byer.
[cheering and applause]
And DL Hughley and Moshe Kasher.
[cheering and applause]
Later on,
we'll be hearing both team's fixes,
but before that
let's take a closer look at the problem.
Gentrification, what do you think?
What are your views?
Gentrification is complicated, right?
'Cause the problem with it is,
once you’ve noticed it’s happening,
It's too late to stop it, right?
It's like, you look out the window,
there's one guy on a unicycle.
You look, you're like,
"Look, one weirdo!" Right?
Four guys on a unicycle and you’re like,
“Oh shit, it’s too late,
I’m in Unicycle Town.”
[laughter]
Nine guys on a unicycle.
“Dude, you’re at Burning Man.
Welcome home, brother.”
[laughter]
So, the neighborhood you grew up in,
has it changed?
My neighborhood?
- Yeah.
- I'm from Oakland, California.
The neighborhood you...
disparaged in your monologue, yeah.
I'm from Oakland. [imitates gunfire]
[laughter]
No, actually, the truth is,
due to the effects of gentrification,
that “bra-bra” sound effect makes
decreasing sense
every time I go back for a visit.
Now, it's more like,
"I'm from Oakland."
[imitates coffee machine]
"Latte?"
[laughter]
What about you, DL?
Has the neighborhood you grew up in...
I grew up on 135th and Avalon.
White people ain’t never gonna move there.
Never.
135th and Avalon?
They'll never get that back.
Never.
My mother added on to our house.
You know they ain't moving out, so.
[laughter]
- Nicole, what about you?
- What?
My neighborhood or gentrification?
What do you think about gentrification?
I love it!
I love when a Whole Foods comes,
because then I can steal from the hot bar.
I love it.
- [applause]
- I love when little boutiques come,
cause then I can steal
little knick-knacks,
and I love paying $15
for some simple eggs at brunch.
I love it. I'm here for it.
What about the neighborhood
you grew up in? Has that changed?
I grew up around a bunch of white people,
so I was trying to reverse gentrify,
and they said, “Get out!”
[laughter]
Didn't work.
Katherine, what about you?
Gentrification is disgusting,
I hate white people
and I don't want to be around them.
[laughter]
No one show her a mirror.
Listen, Jimmy,
I feel safest around black women.
I like the way they vote,
I like the way they parent,
the way they don't put up
with Tristan Thompson's nonsense.
[crowd exclaims, applauds]
Tristan...
Obviously I know what you’re talking about
when you say Tristan Thompson’s nonsense.
But who is Tristan Thompson's Nonsense?
Khloe Kardashian's baby daddy,
he cheated on her
while she was giving birth.
- It was a whole thing!
- It was a mess!
What? Of course he cheated on her
while she was giving birth, it was busy.
[laughter]
This is why I hate white people.
[laughter]
I mean, my issue is,
I grew up in a predominantly black city,
on welfare, Jews on welfare.
Very, very rare. Very rare.
Can I get a picture of this?
Somebody take this, right here.
[laughter]
[DL] That's so...
That's the dopest shit I've ever heard.
Go ahead.
If you can catch me, I'll grant you
a wish, but I'm very tricky.
[laughter]
I had two disabled parents,
public school, latchkey kids, so like...
And when Oakland became gentrified,
I couldn't participate.
I wasn't at the socio-economic bracket
to be able to do that,
which is why,
when I finally got old enough,
I packed up my hobo sack,
threw an ukulele there
all my pickling gear, moved to L.A.,
to the historically Mexican neighborhood
of Los Angeles, so that I could finally
be a participant in gentrification.
- Not just a bystander.
- You're living the dream.
Living the dream.
[applause]
I'm from a very discounted neighborhood
in Canada.
And recently I moved to the UK, and now,
I live in a fancy London neighborhood
where all kinds of white women
in their activewear are asking me to like,
go skiing and play tennis,
but I'm not interested in that at all.
I bought
one of the most expensive properties
anyone's ever owned in my family,
but it's also the smallest
and they're very confused.
[laughter]
Very confused. They're like,
"Don't you know
what size house
you could get in your home town?"
I'm like,
"What room would I kill myself in?"
[laughter]
What's the worst neighborhood
you've ever lived in?
I mean, I lived in Harlem
and I loved Harlem,
and it made me sad when white people
moved in, 'cause like
I don't want soul food with like,
mayonnaise in it, or like...
Soul food with whatever imaginary spice
white people cook with.
Mayonnaise is a spice.
[laughter]
I lived in Hawthorne, California,
and one Christmas,
this girl got mad at her boyfriend
and stuck a Christmas tree in his car
and lit it on fire.
[laughter]
And she's here tonight.
[laughter]
And my wife wanted to move,
she said it's getting too rough,
but the landlord said,
"We'll drop your rent by $300."
I said, "Let's stay."
[laughter]
You still live in the mean streets?
No.
I live in Calabasas, I do.
But this is a true story.
So I moved in...
I moved in about 18 years ago to Calabasas
and then Justin Bieber moved there,
and all the police would come in
our neighborhood all the time,
and I was like,
"I moved away from Compton...
[laughter]
...and now I'm calling the police
on the Canadian, how shit has changed."
[laughter]
Well, he did throw eggs at your house.
[laughter]
Okay, here's a fact for you.
Downtown Los Angeles is the most
gentrified neighborhood in the US.
Since 2000, the cost of a home
has increased by 707%.
Downtown is really expensive.
Y’all pay like 500 dollars
for dinner, then look out the window
and see some man taking a shit.
- Because...
- [laughter]
The restaurant took
the place of his toilet.
[laughter]
Truly. You'll be like,
"That was delicious."
- Oh!
- [laughter]
But sometimes,
the butt is nice and you're like,
"Hoo! Dessert!"
[laughter]
Do you think cities get less interesting
when rich people move in?
I do. White people are boring, no offense.
I can only hear about kale so many times.
I get it. Kale is kale.
[laughter]
I love the idea of a blind person
watching this program
and hearing your voice,
"I think that white people are boring!"
[laughter]
They'd be like, "Why is she talking
about herself?"
[laughter]
I grew up around a bunch of white people
so I stole from them.
- [laughter]
- Now that's culture appropriation,
and it's a different episode.
[laughter]
But it's weird, 'cause you find yourself
in weird situations, like, I remember...
This dude who lives in my neigh...
I don't wanna say his name,
'cause he could sue me
and I'm sure he got great lawyers, but...
[laughter]
He comes to my door,
he's a famous musician.
He comes to my door and he goes,
"Do you have any weed?" And I'm like,
"How you going to come to me
and ask me if I have weed?"
And then I said, "Hold on a minute."
And then I had...
[laughter]
[applause]
I couldn't get mad so we got high together
and wrote a song, it was dope.
[laughter]
My favorite part of that story is that
minutes ago, you told me Justin Bieber
moved into your neighborhood.
[laughter]
And now you're like,
"Well, I don't wantto get litigious
and say his name,
but he's a juvenile delinquent
that smoked weed with me."
I know it's Justin.
[laughter]
Gentrification often starts
with hipsters moving in
and opening tone-deaf businesses.
The Cereal Killer Cafe in London
is a prime example.
It sells bowls of imported cereal
for $5 a piece.
Here's the owner.
You might not have that
- for breakfast every morning, though.
- Yeah.
But it's good, like,
with the strawberry milk as well,
it's strawberries and sort of cream flavor
to it as well.
- And this one was three pounds?
- Yeah.
- Do you think that's...
- Sorry, three-twenty.
- Three-twenty?
- Yeah.
Do you think that's affordable
for the area considering...
- I think it's cheap for the area. Yeah.
- Really?
Because it's one
of the poorest parts of London.
Three pounds for a bowl of cereal...
It's imported cereal from America.
So, what does that mean?
What does that mean
for people that live locally?
This isn't one
of the poorest areas, is it?
Yeah, Tower Hamlets is one
of the poorest areas in London.
- Okay.
- You think local people
will be able to afford
three-pound-twenty cereal?
Well, if they're poor, probably not then.
- [audience booing]
- In the shop owner's defense,
that interview was clearly
after his Lucky Charms.
[laughter]
Cereal Killer Cafe is great!
You can have banana milk.
You can have mint chocolate milk,
chocolate milk, strawberry milk.
All these lovely cereals,
I've been living in England ten years,
there's only gruel.
There's porridge, and there's bacon,
and there's death.
Go to the Cereal Killer Cafe,
and it's all lovely, and you can put
marshmallows in it and chocolate chips.
They're good people.
They're taking money from hipsters
and getting them hooked on sugar
till they die of diabetes.
[laughter]
- Okay. What do you think, Nicole?
- I don't know, that's some white nonsense.
Who leaves their house
for a bowl of cereal?
- [laughter]
- Who?
- [applause]
- I would never!
[Carr] Well, okay.
Nicole, you make a very good point,
because, what we're talking about
these hipster businesses is
white nonsense.
Okay, there's a store.
This is a genuine business.
It's called Empire Mayonnaise.
It only sells artisanal mayonnaise.
- Who's just eating scoops of mayonnaise?
- [laughter]
This boy.
Okay, there's a place in London,
where there's like crazy golf,
you know, crazy golf,
and they put that inside
in the middle of London.
And it's called Swingers.
- [DL chuckles]
- [Nicole] What did you say?
- Crazy golf?
- He means mini golf.
Oh. [laughs]
[laughter]
[Nicole] I was like, what...
I truly was like, what is that?
People are like... "Goo-ga boo-ga!"
[laughter]
I didn't know what crazy golf meant.
So, what was your crazy?
Your read on crazy was what?
- [vocalizes]
- [laughter]
You know, how crazy people go.
[laughter]
If you had to start
a hipster business, Moshe?
Dude, I could open a Kinkos
and it would be a hipster business.
- Look at me.
- [laughter]
You do look like such a hipster.
Well, your ancestors gentrified India.
What did my people take,
like, Williamsburg?
[laughter]
I'm a jew, we were there first!
[laughter and applause]
Can I say?
This white on white violence gotta stop.
[laughter]
Okay.
Because of a lack of affordable housing,
a third of American millennials
still live with their parents.
They're called "Boomerang Children,"
cause they're tough to throw away.
- [laughter]
- [DL] It's true.
I've three grown-ass Millennials
that live with me.
Yes, you live in Calabasas,
- they're never leaving.
- [DL] Right!
[laughter]
I paid for all of them to graduate
from college, paid my wife to graduate,
I got a GED, but I'm the only one working.
I'm like "What the fuck is this?"
[laughter]
In Italy, the kids
that are still living at home
are called bamboccioni,
which means "big babies."
- [crowd "awws"]
- [Carr] Kind of adorable, right?
In Japan, they're called...
Parasito Shinguru,
which means,
"single parasites."
[laughter]
Thank you, Japanese mom and dad.
I guess I'm not welcome.
Have you ever lived with your parents
as an adult? Nicole?
[Nicole] No,
cause my parents are dead,
which is sad, but, like, it's the truth.
Let me just do a recheck of that,
are your parents dead?
[laughter]
Yeah, they're real dead.
- Okay, I was just checking...
- So if I lived with them, that'd be scary.
I'd be living with a bunch of ghosts.
They'd be haunting me to
go get another job and do chores.
I'd be like, "Stop it!"
[laughter]
I think we've just come up
with a sitcom idea.
[laughter]
Catherine, you've got a daughter,
how long does she got?
I want my daughter
to live with me forever.
If anything, I'm trying to keep my parents
out from moving back in with me,
'cause I've got the nicer place.
My daughter can live with me
as long as she wants,
I just really hate her friends.
Those are the ones that are the problem.
Because they wanna have their friends over
all the time, and all these girls,
"Hello Catherine, I think you're so nice,
I love your house,
I love your dogs."
You're friends with my kid, not with me.
Don't look at me, don't talk to me,
get out.
[laughter]
[Carr] Now,
here on The Fix, we have
our very own data expert,
please welcome Mona Chalabi.
[cheering and applause]
- Hi, Mona.
- Hi, Jimmy.
We're talking about gentrification,
have you got data for us, Mona?
[Mona] I do.
There are lots of different ways
to measure gentrification.
You can see where the coffee shops pop up,
how rents change, or you can take a look
at something a bit different,
which dogs are moving
into the neighborhood.
- [Katherine gasps]
- [laughter]
In some cities, you have to register
your dog with local authorities,
which means there's reliable data
about how those cities are changing.
Let's take a look at just one, New York.
I've made some illustrations to explain.
In Manhattan, the rich are leaving
their traditional stronghold
on the upper east side
and trading in their homes
for ones downtown. Why?
Because downtown home prices are
fast increasing
so they know they'll get a good return.
As a result, these downtown areas
have seen their racial makeup change.
The Asian population has declined
and the white population has risen.
And with the new residents,
comes a new pet to the area, the Poodle.
[Poodle barks]
That's not the only place expensive dogs
and their gentrifying owners
are moving in.
In Brooklyn, the borough where rents
are rising the fastest,
there's been an increase in pedigree dogs,
like French Bulldogs.
- [barking]
- Elsewhere, though,
where hipsters are still fronted to shop,
let alone live,
and families in lower socioeconomic groups
haven't yet been pushed out,
the breeds have stayed pretty stable,
the Rottweiler continues to reign supreme
in the Bronx.
- [barking]
- [laughter]
Meanwhile, the American pitbull
holds steady in Queens.
In Staten Island, there are very few
expensive Pinschers to be found,
as it's a borough relatively
untouched by gentrification.
So, German Shepherds continue to be
the dog of choice.
But it might not be long
before gentrifiers realize
there are low rents and green space
to be had in Staten Island,
and then a different breed of dog
might take up residence.
So Jimmy, the data suggests that
the dog you own says a lot about you.
Which dog do you own?
Well, I've got pit bulls,
but it's not what you think,
I use them for fighting.
[laughter]
No, I've got... I've got dogs.
I think they're called Min Pins
in the States. They're like,
sort of a Doberman Pinscher,
but far away.
- [laughter]
- [Carr] I've got a picture.
[Mona] We'll take a look.
- [Carr] There's my dogs.
- [crows "awws"]
- [Carr] Yeah.
- [Mona] This type of breed
is overwhelmingly found
among Manhattan residents.
So, basically, this is a bit of a clue
that maybe you're a gentrifier, Jimmy.
Have a look at another picture of my dog,
and then make up your mind
if I'm a gentrifier.
[laughter]
[applause]
Sure, he's smoking a pipe. I love him.
You know what's funny, Jimmy,
I have an apartment in Tribeca.
And I knew
that the neighborhood was different
when I saw a dog
with wheels on the back, you know,
when the back legs don't work.
[laughter]
And they got a wheelie dog
and they won't...
Like, something happened to him.
But he rolls past the doorman,
and I go,
"I made it."
[laughter]
Yeah, in Compton the dog would be like,
"Go on without me."
[laughter]
Do you have a dog now? What have you got?
I have five dogs.
- Five dogs? What are you...
- I have an Akita there for me,
and the funny thing about it, 'cause,
he has cataracts,
he's blind,
and they won't put him down.
So I just gave him a little harmonica
and made him play a Stevie Wonder song.
It's so dope.
[laughter]
Okay, Nicole, do you have a dog?
- I have two dogs.
- What have you got?
Little dumpsters dogs,
they were found on the street,
I brought them inside
and then I dyed their tails
and now they're fancy.
Yeah!
One has a purple tail
and one has an orange tail.
They look so dumb and I love it.
[laughter]
The best dogs you can ever get
are rescue dogs.
Like, you go in right before the time
they're gonna put people to sleep
and you grab one.
That dog will love you for life,
he'd be like, "Thank you, man."
You open the door,
they don't try to run away.
I did the exact same thing
with boyfriends.
[laughter]
[applause]
[DL] Well played.
Where do you go to get
one of those boyfriends?
What kill shelter do you go to?
- [laughter]
- [Nicole] Scoop one up!
You take a man home
and dye his little butt purple.
[laughter]
What about you?
You've got dogs, Katherine?
Yes.
I have exclusive fancy pets.
I have a Tibetan Spaniel, she's Buddhist.
I have a Teacup Yorkshire Terrier,
I have a Teacup Shih Tzu,
a pony, and a cat.
[laughter]
Didn't you start this whole show
by saying you hate white women's nonsense?
[laughter]
Yeah.
Okay, let's fast things up.
Thank you very much indeed, Mona!
[cheering and applause]
Let's get to the heart of the show,
let's get to the fixes.
Catherine and Nicole,
it's time for you to make up for
all the home wrecking you've done
by fixing gentrification.
Please, give it up for Katherine Ryan.
- Thank you.
- [applause]
I was all for gentrification,
until I learned the harsh truth.
It is not a reality show about
transforming bad boys into gentleman.
So now I absolutely hate it,
but I can fix it with Home a-loan!
Gentrification is basically
a homeless maker,
when affluent people move into
a low income urban neighborhood,
it pushes rental prices up
and forces the relocation
of current establishedresidents
and businesses.
The investors buying these properties
aren't even using them.
In 2015, there were 18.6 million
vacant homes in the United States,
enough for every homeless person
in the country to have six.
A homeless doesn't need six homes.
And rich people, neither do you.
[laughter]
Oprah can only bang Stedman
on so many kitchen counters, you know.
[laughter]
Now, this is a very left-wing fix,
very left-wing.
So if you're feeling angry,
just focus on how right-wing I look.
[laughter]
Multiple property owners,
we're going to help ease your house
burden, save you from costly maintenance
and upkeep by giving your extra houses
to people who don't have
any houses at all.
Home-a-loan!
[applause]
So let me get this straight,
you're suggesting we take empty houses
and give them to people that need them.
- Yes.
- So, rich people
aren't gonna give away their second homes.
- How are you gonna convince them?
- The government
will continue to look the other way
on all the tax dodging they're up to...
[laughter]
...if they open their homes
to homeless people,
and then the homeless people
will feel inspired.
You know, Jimmy, it's aspirational to get
a little taste of a lifestyle
that you might be able to get on your own,
and some of these people,
they just, they don't need a handout,
they need a hand up,
- and a free mansion.
- [laughter]
You're sort of being Robin Hood.
What do you like about this idea, Nicole?
I mean, aside from being
a very well written joke,
that's how you solve the homeless problem.
You give them homes, and then,
they can, you know, rebuild their lives.
You've taken away their identity.
[laughter]
I guess, but then they could
become unhomeless
and find a new identity as a home liver.
I don't know.
Once you've shit on the street a bunch,
you deserve a mansion.
So the idea is that
you take people's second homes
and put homeless people into that.
So this is kind of a fun idea
to think of like,
you know, the Hamptons and Aspen
suddenly just
filled with people
from downtown L.A., like,
- "Welcome to the neighborhood."
- [laughter]
But also if you gave them vacation homes,
the white people aren't there to see it,
'cause they're not on vacation that time
of the year, you know what I mean?
So you could just...
In the winter, in the Hamptons,
you could have a bunch of homeless people
just living, having fun.
And then in the summer,
they can go to Aspen,
live and have fun,
and they can just travel
from mansion to mansion.
I'm here for it! They become
well-versed and traveled,
- this is good!
- Yeah.
Thanks, Nicole.
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together, the Home-a-loan.
[Katherine] Thank you!
[applause]
Moshe and D.L., you look like
a hipster crime-fighting duo.
It's your turn to fix gentrification,
so please give it up for DL Hughley!
[applause]
In places like Brooklyn,
in downtown Los Angeles,
home values have risen over 700%.
And because of this,
low-income families are being driven
from urban areas.
Now, who's moving in? Hipsters,
a.k.a. rich people spending a lot of money
trying not to look rich.
[laughter]
So my solution is to get those hipsters
out of there,
The Hipsters Homestead Act.
It's similar to the Homestead Act of 1862,
which allows settlers
to take land as long as they farmed it.
We will take the thousands of acres
of government land in the Dakotas,
and give it to hipsters,
willing to give it a cool name,
so hipster feel at home.
We're going to call it Socabo,
[laughter]
which stands
for "South of the Canadian border."
[laughter]
[applause]
[DL] Not into it yet, hipsters?
Check this out.
Couldn't afford tickets to Coachella?
We've got all your favorite bands
doing the show in Socabo,
B.Y.O.M. "Bring your own molly."
[laughter]
Having a hard time reserving the field
so you and your friends
can play kickball or quidditch?
- [laughter]
- Move...
Move to the Dakotas and you'll have
thousands of acres to play
your stupid hipster games, nerds.
[laughter]
So there you have it.
Hipsters won't be able to resist Socabo
and we just fixed gentrification.
[cheering and applause]
So you're suggesting we create a hipster
paradise and in so doing,
protect great neighborhoods
from gentrification.
- Absolutely.
- Would you live there?
No.
- [laughter]
- What if Justin Bieber lived there too?
Then I'd have to.
[laughter]
But I just think giving them
an opportunity...
You tell hipsters it's cool,
they'll do it.
I genuinely think it's brilliant idea
'cause there's huge swathes of America
with very little population.
- Right.
- And if those people went,
and they could set up
their own businesses, farm,
or do go back to the land,
do something fun.
Moshe, what do you like about this idea?
Well, first of all, I love that DL
is deriding hipsters
covered in tattoos with a fedora on.
You, my friend,
are a member of my community.
- [laughter]
- I love it. I would do it.
I would move to South Dakota,
that sounds great.
It would be cool to be like,
"I was into the Dakotas
before they were cool."
You know what I mean?
It's awesome, Dakotas have already
become pre-gentrified.
White people are so pervasive
in that region, they've literally
gentrified the geography of the place.
There are mountains
with white men's faces on them.
- [laughter]
- I'm in.
What about you? Would you move to Socabo?
No.
[laughter]
Not at all.
There are too many white people
in the Dakotas.
So, like, I don't want to be
the only black person there
and be like, "Who can I trust?"
[laughter]
"What's gonna happen? You gonna take me?"
- [laughter]
- [Carr] Okay, give it up
for the Hipster Homestead Act.
[cheering and applause]
So, Katherine and Nicola proposing
stealing houses from the rich
to give to the poor,
literally robbing a hood.
[laughter]
And DL and Moshe are suggesting
building a hipster colony
in states where no one wants to live,
so internment camps but with kombucha.
[laughter]
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
so our audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
Audience, please vote
for your favorite now.
And remember,
this vote is legally binding,
terms and conditions apply,
see small print for details,
your home may be at risk.
[laughter]
I can tell you, the votes are in,
it couldn't be much closer,
the winner with 55% of the votes,
Katherine Ryan.
- Yeah! Thank you!
- [cheering and applause]
- Thank you!
- [Carr] That's that, gentrification fixed.
If you see a mustachioed man riding
a unicycle in your neighborhood,
contact the relevant authorities.
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Nicole Byer,
DL Hughley, and Moshe Kasher,
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio,
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving more
of the world problems
in five, four, three, two, one...
[cheering and applause]
[theme music playing]