The Fix (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Let's Fix Social Media - full transcript
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr
and this is The Fix,
the show where we tackle
the world's biggest problems,
because, well, Carpool Karaoke
has already been done.
In this episode,
we'll be fixing social media.
Specifically how it's ruining our lives.
Hashtag sad face.
Face-to-face human interaction
is becoming the exception.
These days, we communicate online,
anonymously,
and with our trousers round our ankles.
If things carry on like this,
pretty soon actual conversation
will become something done
solely by old people,
like sending letters or racism.
But there are positives to social media.
YouTube can teach you all sorts of things.
I learned how to apply eyeliner
whilst making a pipe bomb
and eating a Tide Pod.
I know it has its critics,
but social media is a great way
for kids to meet like-minded peadophiles.
And social media has allowed people
to groom children
without all the hassle
of having to join the Catholic Church.
Oh, I'm the bad guy?
We're going to try to solve the problem
of social media
using a bunch of comedians with fewer
followers than Kim Kardashian's gardener.
Welcome to The Fix.
So here's how the show works.
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for social media.
Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show.
The idea that gets the most likes
will be upvoted the verified winner.
So here to fix social media
are Katherine Ryan and Nikki Glaser.
Hello. Thank you for being here.
And DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black.
Later on,
we'll be hearing the teams' fixes,
But, before that, let's take a closer look
at the problem.
So social media,
what are your thoughts?
It sucks.
It's both the best thing
that ever happened to me
and the worst thing
that ever happened to me.
It's sort of like my kids.
It's kind of the same.
I think about it all the time
and I feel like I lavish
a lot of attention on it,
but it gives me really nothing in return.
Again, like my children.
It is like kids, isn't it?
It's weird having 5,000 friends
and only one them will help you move.
I find it's really depressing
as a single woman.
I'm 34 and my mood will be determined
by whether or not a guy I like
watches my Instagram story.
And, if he didn't watch it,
I'm meaner to my dogs that day.
That's... That's crazy.
But that's my reality right now.
And it's sad.
I'm absolutely addicted to my phone.
Absolutely.
What's the longest you've gone
not looking at your phone?
I don't go without it.
I'll take off one social...
I'll take off Instagram.
But you know I'm on the others then.
There's no way I'm...
The day that I'm not on any of them
is the day that I'm trending on Twitter
because I'm dead.
Which is the irony.
What's your relationship
with social media?
I love social media.
It ruins lives. But not mine, because...
...I'm shallow and unfriendly.
Anyone who thinks...
It's funnier if you know her.
Anyone who thinks we need
more eye contact
and human interaction
has never been a woman on a bus.
We don't need those things,
and it does ruin lives.
The other day, I was introduced
to a very charming Instahoe...
Have you met one of these?
I'm aware of them.
An Instahoe is a special kind of creature
who's not...
It's not her fault. She was beautiful.
- Right.
- Beautiful.
But awful. And I feel...
I feel we have participated
in the dismantling
of this woman's personality
by rewarding vacuous beauty.
It's not her fault.
A horrible person. Great tits.
Not her fault.
Right, and every Instahoe is like...
All the guys that I'm trying to pursue,
I'll see who they like on Instagram.
And all the women just look
different versions of wet.
They're just all saturated now.
Every woman just must have this dewy look,
just embryonic.
You know, like just came out...
- They're just getting wetter and wetter.
- They're wet.
And I'm trying to do it,
but it's exhausting.
I'm dry as fuck and I can't keep up.
But everyone on Instagram is wet.
What are we talking about now?
I'm talking about Instahoes.
These women are just wet.
I think you're supposed to look as wet
as you are on the inside on the outside.
I just can't tell you how much
I love hearing white woman say "hoe."
It's so nice to me.
I'm moist right now.
Do you have a lot of followers, DL?
- I do.
- You do.
I do, but I think it's amazing.
You're right, the more voyeuristic,
the more, like, willing...
If you set yourself on fire
or do something crazy,
you get a lot of followers.
It does seem
like it's a competitive thing now
where people are judging their self-worth.
I remember when Kanye trended
because he said slavery was a choice,
which would mean that Harriet Tubman
was just a travel agent.
That would probably mean that.
Michael, how much of your life
do you share on social media?
Er, you know, I don't...
Here's the thing. I don't
pay much attention to my social media.
I'm on Twitter. I've got...
I don't even keep track of the followers.
I think it's like 2.187 million followers.
But I couldn't tell you to the tens
how many it is.
I share a lot. I do share a lot.
Do you overshare, do you feel?
I don't... Well, here's the thing.
I share exactly how I'm feeling
at any given moment,
but I don't share particularly personal
moments about my life.
I won't say a thing about
this stupid show. You know what I mean?
Great to have you here.
No, that is the problem, Jimmy.
Our mother's biggest fear for us
growing up
was, "Don't tell anyone where you are."
As a young girl,
you're supposed to be private
and every night, I'm like, "I'm at
The Comedy Store at 8:10. Come murder me."
And then I give a discount code
so they can get in cheaper to murder me.
You can murder me any night you want,
I am broadcasting it out there.
It's so dangerous.
But here's the thing, Nikki.
If you just stay wet enough,
the knife will slide right off.
That's where it comes in handy.
Right off.
You're right, Michael.
It's a lubricant, yeah.
Weirdly, your shoulder looks kind of wet.
It is.
What have you got on there?
I sprayed...
You have to look
like you're glowing constantly.
People go to me,
"Oh, my God, Nikki, you're glowing."
I'm like, "I literally sprayed
metallic paint on myself.
It's not some inner radiance. I'm sad."
Have you...
I literally have Sally Hansen leg spray
on me, Jimmy.
Don't hug me, it'll come off on you.
I'm so 34 and lonely.
Have you... Have you ever overshared?
Yes, I just did!
I can't stop.
Here's an amazing fact for you.
50% of people using social media
said it had a negative effect
on their relationship.
I feel like my relationship has suffered.
I'm married. I've been married forever.
And it was sort of like...
What's nice is, like, I'm on social media
and my wife will be like,
"Can you get off that, please?"
But I also ordered
a bag of Oxycodone from India once
and she was like, "Can you get off that?"
I was like, "Sure.
But let me keep the social media."
She's like, "Deal."
Smart.
That's genius.
I like using it as a tool to investigate
and assess my relationship.
Yeah.
Don't shake your head, sir.
You should never have been DM-ing
those women in the first place.
Not just how they use it
and who they message,
but just their personality really unfolds
on social media.
I used to look at one of my ex's feeds
and go, "He seems
like a narcissistic psychopath,"
and it wasn't until eight months later
in my relationship,
I was like,
"Oh, a narcissistic pychopath."
Yes.
You know what?
I think you're really right about that.
You'll be interested in a guy and then...
Have you ever checked a guy's Twitter feed
and been like, "Urgh."
Like, "Shut up."
It is so hot to find a guy not on Twitter.
So rare.
Who keeps his thoughts to himself. Ugh!
It's... You can't find it anymore.
Nikki, has social media
affected your relationships?
Yeah. I wouldn't have relationships
if it wasn't for men sliding into my DMs,
so I'm grateful for it.
Well, they're so wet.
It's a Slip 'n' Slide.
Social media can be highly addictive.
Here's a report about some British
teenagers going cold turkey.
The girls agreed
to keep a video diary
using a mini-camera, no screen obviously,
to document how they coped.
It's raining outside,
and because I didn't have a phone
or Wi-Fi,
I couldn't search up the weather.
So I just left and started walking
and it started to rain.
I know in about five to ten minutes,
when I arrive at the pub,
not having my phone is going to be
a real struggle for me,
because I'm going to be sitting there
and I'm going to be bored,
because I'm just...
It's only going to be me, my sister,
my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.
So we're not going to do much.
Of course, another great way
to check the weather is the cloud.
Or as I call them, clouds.
How would you feel
about every embarrassing thing you've done
as a teenager being recorded forever?
It's the most horrifying thing
I can think of.
We're so lucky.
So lucky. That's why I never signed up
for The Real World.
I was like, "I'm going to get drunk
and throw up on some guy
while I'm blowing him,
and it's gonna out there forever."
That would have been me.
New Orleans, Season 10.
I wish what I had been doing
as a teenager was online.
I was cool. I was in a band when I was...
I played CBGB's when I was a teenager.
Sorry?
What band were you in?
Well, please don't misunderstand me.
The band... They had an open mic night
essentially at CBGB's on Monday nights.
Anybody could show up,
but we showed up
and we played and it was fucking rad
that we did that
That's the coolest thing I ever did.
I was 16 years old. Ever since then...
If you're a younger person watching,
"rad" is what dads call "good."
DL, do you think you could go a day
without your phone?
Yeah, of course. But I never like...
I'm not...
I never needed for anything I did
to be published, because I've got a mother
who won't forget shit, so it's...
I'm just trying to think of a time
when you're not on your phone...
Do you ever do that?
You congratulate yourself a little bit.
Like you go to a movie
and you don't check it for half the movie,
because I can't last the whole time,
but, like...
You go half the movie
and I kind of look at it in my purse,
and I'm like, "I'm so strong."
I've genuinely...
Genuinely, I have an issue with this.
I'm obsessed now by watching
foreign films and foreign TV shows
where there's subtitles,
because you have to actually watch it
and not check your phone.
Yes, that's good.
You force yourself to read.
Yeah.
But you are reading
when you use your phone.
There's a lot of shame involved.
"Oh, she's on her phone."
You're reading things on it.
If it were a book,
"Oh Nikki's such a little bookworm."
She's reading!
Katherine,
what are you reading on your phone?
What is your favorite site?
What do you visit?
Well, I'm on Instagram,
Instagram Stories, Twitter.
The period tracker app,
WhatsApp, Facebook.
Can anybody sign up
for the period tracker?
Yes.
Is that just a social media thing
where you're like, "I'm on the rag,"
and everybody can be like, "Me too"?
Can I...
You could do that.
No, you put your period
in your phone once,
you just bleed on it a little bit,
and then...
Just a bit.
You just...
I'm kidding.
You just manually rub blood on it.
And then it...
It tells you when it's coming.
It tells you other stuff too.
"Today's the day
you're most likely to cry on a treadmill."
It'll warn you, so you don't stab someone
in the grocery store.
It'll be like, "Keep it together today."
I don't know about other guys.
I'm just finding out about this.
Why am I not linked
to my other half's period tracker?
It would help me tremendously.
You should be.
A designer in Austria has created
something to help social media addicts.
I think you might like these.
- These are substitute phones.
- Oh.
So they're just marbles
in a little block.
- The idea is... Grab one.
- Thank you.
You can replicate the swiping motion.
So if you're horribly addicted
to your phone,
you could just be pretending
the whole time.
But didn't Blackberry already do this?
I don't hate this.
And I thought I would.
It's like when you try to quit smoking
and the cool people just walk around
with a cigarette that they never light,
but it's just in their lip.
- Yeah.
- I think it's the same thing.
- I like it...
- No, it's not okay.
People have sex dolls.
They don't bring them out in public.
Okay. Phones back
because the producer has said,
"Otherwise they'll play with them."
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's like a fidget spinner for pricks.
As opposed to the regular fidget spinners,
which are for cool people.
Okay, in the quest for likes
and followers,
people go to extremes
to get the perfect selfie.
Take a look at this.
That's great.
Wow, "Camel bites
can cause your bones to dissolve"?
Jesus Christ!
Camel toe can cause your pride
to dissolve.
Has taking a selfie
ever got you into trouble?
No, actually. I...
The photo thing is one thing that I...
I don't like looking at my own face
very much, so I rarely take...
- I get that.
- Right? Don't you?
About my face?
- No, I think you're very handsome.
- Thank you.
I'm going to slide into your DMs
a little bit later.
Thank you.
Wear a raincoat.
I saw an extraordinary thing
the other morning.
I was in a hotel, having breakfast,
and I saw these ladies come in,
beautiful ladies.
They came in, got on their bikinis,
sat by the pool, took a selfie,
got up and left.
That was their day by the pool.
They just went, "Oh, I've got the photo.
I guess we're done here."
Yeah.
I know people that use that for an alibi.
You know, "I was really here," but...
We are visiting different hotels, DL.
You haven't lived till you've visited
a Snooty Fox on Manchester.
Let me tell you something.
Sorry, has anyone got a pen?
I need to write that down.
Is that a by-the-hour place?
Yeah, absolutely.
The Snooty Fox.
No, no.
You don't go. Don't go.
I'm very street, DL. You don't know me.
Um, okay, let's get a fresh perspective
on how social media is ruining our lives
with the help of our resident data expert,
Mona Chalabi!
Hi, guys.
Hey, Mona.
Great to have you here. So what have you
got for us on social media?
So, the amount of time we spend
on social media has grown and grown.
I've made some illustrations to explain.
Worldwide, people now spend
about 135 minutes per day
using social media platforms.
But what does that amount of time
really mean?
Let's compare it
to some other everyday activities.
On average, we have sex
for just one measly minute per day.
We...
We spend about 60 minutes a day
grooming ourselves.
We spend about 75 minutes each day
eating and drinking.
But perhaps most tellingly of all,
when you compare how many minutes
we spend on social media
to the time spent
with friends and family face-to-face,
the data paints
a pretty interesting picture.
We spend just 39 minutes per day
socializing and communicating
with the people that matter most.
So it looks like we prefer
our online lives to our offline lives.
So a minute a day having sex.
Who's having sex twice a day?
Crazy talk. You also described it
as "one measly minute a day."
You know what?
It's about quality, not quantity.
So give me that again.
How many minutes
on social media every day?
135.
Does that check out?
I would double that for me.
It's different though,
because it's kind of our job.
- to be on social media.
- It is.
We are working.
And I don't know
what real people do on there.
- Yeah.
- Besides send us pictures of their dicks.
Can I ask a question?
How frequenty do you, as women,
get dick pics from guys online?
Is that a real thing that happens a lot?
It's not just dick pics.
Because I do stand-up comedy
and people think I'm mean,
they confuse that with being a dominatrix.
There are men who send me
photos of themselves being humiliated
and ask me to retweet it.
A man sent me a photo of himself
squatting onto the bedpost of his room.
And he said, "Please retweet this
and humiliate me, mistress."
I'm impressed that a guy had a bedpost.
Yeah.
That is extraordinary.
Because we're from a previous generation.
We're pre-dick-pics.
I'm almost 24 years old,
so this is all new to me.
If you're watching this
in high definition 4K...
I would like to apologize
for the obvious lie.
Do you spend more time on social media
than with your family, DL?
Wait, people have sex for a minute?
Do you want me to tell you
how I calculated that?
- Yeah, tell us.
- So...
A study asked heterosexual couples
to keep a stopwatch
and see how long it took
for the man to ejaculate
when he was inside of a vagina.
We know how sex works!
Hold on.
- I'm not sure I understand this.
- Yeah.
And the average amount of time
it took for those men to ejaculate
was 5.4 minutes.
Oh, okay.
And if people have sex twice a week,
that averages out to about a minute a day.
Wait, so...
- "Go!"
- Yeah.
Wait.
- That's exactly it.
- No, baby, this is for science.
Mona, thank you very much indeed.
Fascinating stuff.
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
DL and Michael, you've got
the most followers on Instagram,
so you get to go first.
Well, ever since Al Gore
invented the internet,
60% of people reported
that it's hurt their self-esteem
and usually it's some troll
with an egg for a profile pic
calling someone a slut for eating a bagel.
That is why there's no more hiding
behind your avatar
with my fix, the internet license.
Now, the license
will be tied to your actual identity.
You're going to be held accountable
for every Facebook rant,
every selfie from a super high angle
that shows just a hint of a nipple, Nikki.
One in 20 men have been teased or trolled
or body-shamed online
and men have it easy.
For women, going online
is like sky diving into a landfill,
except the landfill asks you
to post photos of your feet.
Basically, if we know who you are,
you'll be way less likely to troll
and, if you do slip up,
there's a special task force
that will track you down
and throw your candy-ass in internet jail.
Problem solved.
Check out this behind-the-scenes look
at the task force in action. Roll it!
Internet Cops is filmed
with the men and women of law enforcement.
Alright.
Easy!
Yeah, what?
Sir, do you have your internet license?
Yeah, I got one.
- You've got one? Can I see it, sir?
- Right there.
- It's right there?
- Right there.
Your license is right...
We've got a runner.
- 69 was taken.
- Alright.
Assninja!
Car 69, nailed it.
We've got a tip on your probe.
Intersection of Yanny and Laurel.
Got it. Yanny and Yanny.
God, I have been after this guy
for a long time. Buckle up, kiddos.
Busted, you son of a bitch.
No, you can't has cheezburger.
All right, let's go.
It's great. I love it.
- So this is taking away anonymity...
- Absolutely.
And applying accountability
to the internet.
Absolutely.
Chris Rock has a great joke.
He says there's an app that lets you know
which one of your friends is racist
and it's called Facebook, so it's...
I think you strip away anonymity,
people say less things.
Less hurtful things.
Yeah, I think the internet would be
a very different place
if people had to be themselves on there,
not some made-up, crazy name.
Would it change
the way you use the internet?
Uh, well, I'm very public
about how I use the internet.
And I don't see...
I don't see it changing for me,
because I am who I am,
but this makes a lot of sense to me,
because there are a lot of trolls.
And...
What would you have to do
to get the license?
Because, for me, all that's important
is that you can differentiate the spelling
of the words "your" and "you're"...
...and "their", T-H-E-I-R,
and "they're," T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E.
If you can spell, as far as I'm concerned,
you can have an internet license.
I'm not sure about the internet cop idea.
I'm not sure that we need more police.
You're right. It does seem weird,
a black dude advocating for more police.
You're right.
I didn't think about that part.
Okay, Katherine,
what do you make of the internet license?
I think it's a brilliant idea, DL.
I've noticed America needs
more incarceration.
And if...
If you cleaned up the internet and got
all those people to be accountable,
then I could be on social media even more.
Let's hear it, everyone,
for the internet license.
Are you literally checking your phone,
Nikki?
Sorry, did you just check your phone?
Yes.
What are you checking currently
on your phone?
I'm just letting someone know
where I'm...
It was a text. I'm sorry.
It was disrespectful.
- You're a monster.
- I know!
I'm breaking up with someone after this
and I have to figure out a time to meet...
...to do it.
Well, don't meet...
I can't stop sharing.
Don't air this, please.
Are you...
I'm just trying to excuse my behavior.
I'm just being told
that I'm not your therapist
and we have to get on, I'm so sorry.
Right, Katherine and Nikki,
time to hear your fix.
Give it up for Katherine Ryan.
Uh, we are all addicted to our phones
and everyone who comments
on my Instagram selfies
unanimously wants it to stop.
Social media is ruining our lives,
but I'm going to fix it by
slowing down the internet.
Do you remember what it was like
to have an attention span?
Of course there aren't any nachos left.
Now what was your question?
Oh, yeah.
Our minds have been turned to garbage.
Just how badly do you really want to see
a girl with a fake ass working out?
How about if it took three hours
for the photo to load?
You might go outside
and show your unfiltered penis
to some ladies in your neighborhood
instead.
And, sure,
your uncle is a formidable racist,
but we're going to slow
that prick's Facebook
like his enlarged prostate
slowed his urine stream.
He'll have to think as long and hard
as the tumor angrily growing in his rectum
before posting that feminism is cancer.
With internet that slow,
your unpleasant family members
will have to save up their tedious rants
for Christmas.
Help us help you by slowing your internet
to an absolute grinding halt.
Jimmy, welcome to the future.
There she is.
My mother always told me,
"Make them wait and they'll want it more",
but I am living proof
that if you make them wait long enough,
they'll want it a whole lot less.
And please take a look at this beautiful,
famous young woman.
She's never been outside.
She's brought her phone into a studio,
where she's literally being paid
not to be on it.
I'm so embarrassed.
She's hopelessly addicted to social media.
Slow it down.
So, essentially the idea
is we slow down the internet
and that forces us
back into the real world.
- Right.
- What do you like about this idea, Nikki?
I think it's just a really good solution.
It's just too fast and convenient now.
It's like...
And getting free Wi-Fi on the plane?
I used to enjoy that time
when you really couldn't be on your phone
and now you can be on it anywhere.
And it would be nice
if they eliminated that a little bit.
But people on Reddit
are going to be so angry about this.
Oh, they'll be angry,
but heroin addicts are angry
when you take them off heroin as well.
That's true.
DL, Michael,
what do you make of this idea?
Absolutely. Remember when you first
started watching porn on your laptop.
And that buffering, that whole...
It's hard to hold your dick and keep
hitting refresh. It was ridiculous.
That was a lovely thing.
You used to have to plan it.
You used to have to go, "You know what?
I think I might masturbate tomorrow."
Yeah.
"I'm going to download something."
What would you guys do
if you had more time on your hands?
Another two hours of your life every day.
Pray for death.
Keep it light, it's a comedy show.
Oh, pray for death!
Much better.
Can I just say,
I really do think that
if the internet was slower...
My porn searches have become so depraved
because I just get so much porn
that it can just get grosser and grosser.
You just get used to it.
And pretty soon they're showing you...
In the thumbnails that are suggested,
I'm starting to see blood in them
and I'm like, "No, no, I don't want that."
They're like, "We'll see you in a week,"
and I'm like, "No, you won't."
And they will,
because they know what I'm headed towards.
But, if it took time,
I would still be into just like...
If it was loading like this,
I wouldn't have time
to get into the weird shit I'm into.
Do you remember
when I asked about oversharing earlier?
Yes.
- It's a problem for you.
- I have a problem.
I used to be into just
a man and a woman having sex
and now my porn searches
literally start...
I'll go to Pornhub or whatever
and I'll type in,
"Girl running through warehouse scared."
That's where they start for me.
That's like safe.
We're just getting in the dungeon.
- Yeah.
- I am judging you.
You should. I have a problem.
I actually don't look at pornography.
Not for any high moral reason.
I just finished it.
How many hits come up when you type in
"Girl running through warehouse scared"?
A lot. I mean...
As if we're not all going to find out
in about an hour.
It's so many.
Everyone now is going, "Hang on,
Netflix is on, but this is important."
I just realized I really like bondage porn
where the girls are all tied up
and I was always like,
"What's wrong with you?"
But let me sell it to you guys, okay?
Because I didn't know.
Okay, I always judged myself.
I was like, "Why do I like girls
all tied up and defenseless?"
And it's because it's forced laziness.
Because you're like, "I'd love
to jerk you off, but my hands are tied."
You just get to lean into it.
It's awesome.
So you watch this stuff and you're very...
So you would... Yeah...
No, I'm...
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it
for slowing down the internet.
Right, so Katherine's team are proposing
slowing down the internet
and DL's team are suggesting
an internet license.
You have the right to remain online.
Anything you search can and will
be used against you
in the court of public opinion.
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes is the Facebook
and which is the Myspace.
Okay, audience.
Vote now, please.
And remember, this isn't a BuzzFeed quiz.
Your answer here matters.
Okay, the votes are in
and, with 55% of the votes,
the winner is Katherine Ryan!
So that's that. Social media is fixed.
Thank you, Katherine Ryan, Nikki Glaser,
DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black...
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving
more of the world's problems in
five, four, three, two, one.
and this is The Fix,
the show where we tackle
the world's biggest problems,
because, well, Carpool Karaoke
has already been done.
In this episode,
we'll be fixing social media.
Specifically how it's ruining our lives.
Hashtag sad face.
Face-to-face human interaction
is becoming the exception.
These days, we communicate online,
anonymously,
and with our trousers round our ankles.
If things carry on like this,
pretty soon actual conversation
will become something done
solely by old people,
like sending letters or racism.
But there are positives to social media.
YouTube can teach you all sorts of things.
I learned how to apply eyeliner
whilst making a pipe bomb
and eating a Tide Pod.
I know it has its critics,
but social media is a great way
for kids to meet like-minded peadophiles.
And social media has allowed people
to groom children
without all the hassle
of having to join the Catholic Church.
Oh, I'm the bad guy?
We're going to try to solve the problem
of social media
using a bunch of comedians with fewer
followers than Kim Kardashian's gardener.
Welcome to The Fix.
So here's how the show works.
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for social media.
Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show.
The idea that gets the most likes
will be upvoted the verified winner.
So here to fix social media
are Katherine Ryan and Nikki Glaser.
Hello. Thank you for being here.
And DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black.
Later on,
we'll be hearing the teams' fixes,
But, before that, let's take a closer look
at the problem.
So social media,
what are your thoughts?
It sucks.
It's both the best thing
that ever happened to me
and the worst thing
that ever happened to me.
It's sort of like my kids.
It's kind of the same.
I think about it all the time
and I feel like I lavish
a lot of attention on it,
but it gives me really nothing in return.
Again, like my children.
It is like kids, isn't it?
It's weird having 5,000 friends
and only one them will help you move.
I find it's really depressing
as a single woman.
I'm 34 and my mood will be determined
by whether or not a guy I like
watches my Instagram story.
And, if he didn't watch it,
I'm meaner to my dogs that day.
That's... That's crazy.
But that's my reality right now.
And it's sad.
I'm absolutely addicted to my phone.
Absolutely.
What's the longest you've gone
not looking at your phone?
I don't go without it.
I'll take off one social...
I'll take off Instagram.
But you know I'm on the others then.
There's no way I'm...
The day that I'm not on any of them
is the day that I'm trending on Twitter
because I'm dead.
Which is the irony.
What's your relationship
with social media?
I love social media.
It ruins lives. But not mine, because...
...I'm shallow and unfriendly.
Anyone who thinks...
It's funnier if you know her.
Anyone who thinks we need
more eye contact
and human interaction
has never been a woman on a bus.
We don't need those things,
and it does ruin lives.
The other day, I was introduced
to a very charming Instahoe...
Have you met one of these?
I'm aware of them.
An Instahoe is a special kind of creature
who's not...
It's not her fault. She was beautiful.
- Right.
- Beautiful.
But awful. And I feel...
I feel we have participated
in the dismantling
of this woman's personality
by rewarding vacuous beauty.
It's not her fault.
A horrible person. Great tits.
Not her fault.
Right, and every Instahoe is like...
All the guys that I'm trying to pursue,
I'll see who they like on Instagram.
And all the women just look
different versions of wet.
They're just all saturated now.
Every woman just must have this dewy look,
just embryonic.
You know, like just came out...
- They're just getting wetter and wetter.
- They're wet.
And I'm trying to do it,
but it's exhausting.
I'm dry as fuck and I can't keep up.
But everyone on Instagram is wet.
What are we talking about now?
I'm talking about Instahoes.
These women are just wet.
I think you're supposed to look as wet
as you are on the inside on the outside.
I just can't tell you how much
I love hearing white woman say "hoe."
It's so nice to me.
I'm moist right now.
Do you have a lot of followers, DL?
- I do.
- You do.
I do, but I think it's amazing.
You're right, the more voyeuristic,
the more, like, willing...
If you set yourself on fire
or do something crazy,
you get a lot of followers.
It does seem
like it's a competitive thing now
where people are judging their self-worth.
I remember when Kanye trended
because he said slavery was a choice,
which would mean that Harriet Tubman
was just a travel agent.
That would probably mean that.
Michael, how much of your life
do you share on social media?
Er, you know, I don't...
Here's the thing. I don't
pay much attention to my social media.
I'm on Twitter. I've got...
I don't even keep track of the followers.
I think it's like 2.187 million followers.
But I couldn't tell you to the tens
how many it is.
I share a lot. I do share a lot.
Do you overshare, do you feel?
I don't... Well, here's the thing.
I share exactly how I'm feeling
at any given moment,
but I don't share particularly personal
moments about my life.
I won't say a thing about
this stupid show. You know what I mean?
Great to have you here.
No, that is the problem, Jimmy.
Our mother's biggest fear for us
growing up
was, "Don't tell anyone where you are."
As a young girl,
you're supposed to be private
and every night, I'm like, "I'm at
The Comedy Store at 8:10. Come murder me."
And then I give a discount code
so they can get in cheaper to murder me.
You can murder me any night you want,
I am broadcasting it out there.
It's so dangerous.
But here's the thing, Nikki.
If you just stay wet enough,
the knife will slide right off.
That's where it comes in handy.
Right off.
You're right, Michael.
It's a lubricant, yeah.
Weirdly, your shoulder looks kind of wet.
It is.
What have you got on there?
I sprayed...
You have to look
like you're glowing constantly.
People go to me,
"Oh, my God, Nikki, you're glowing."
I'm like, "I literally sprayed
metallic paint on myself.
It's not some inner radiance. I'm sad."
Have you...
I literally have Sally Hansen leg spray
on me, Jimmy.
Don't hug me, it'll come off on you.
I'm so 34 and lonely.
Have you... Have you ever overshared?
Yes, I just did!
I can't stop.
Here's an amazing fact for you.
50% of people using social media
said it had a negative effect
on their relationship.
I feel like my relationship has suffered.
I'm married. I've been married forever.
And it was sort of like...
What's nice is, like, I'm on social media
and my wife will be like,
"Can you get off that, please?"
But I also ordered
a bag of Oxycodone from India once
and she was like, "Can you get off that?"
I was like, "Sure.
But let me keep the social media."
She's like, "Deal."
Smart.
That's genius.
I like using it as a tool to investigate
and assess my relationship.
Yeah.
Don't shake your head, sir.
You should never have been DM-ing
those women in the first place.
Not just how they use it
and who they message,
but just their personality really unfolds
on social media.
I used to look at one of my ex's feeds
and go, "He seems
like a narcissistic psychopath,"
and it wasn't until eight months later
in my relationship,
I was like,
"Oh, a narcissistic pychopath."
Yes.
You know what?
I think you're really right about that.
You'll be interested in a guy and then...
Have you ever checked a guy's Twitter feed
and been like, "Urgh."
Like, "Shut up."
It is so hot to find a guy not on Twitter.
So rare.
Who keeps his thoughts to himself. Ugh!
It's... You can't find it anymore.
Nikki, has social media
affected your relationships?
Yeah. I wouldn't have relationships
if it wasn't for men sliding into my DMs,
so I'm grateful for it.
Well, they're so wet.
It's a Slip 'n' Slide.
Social media can be highly addictive.
Here's a report about some British
teenagers going cold turkey.
The girls agreed
to keep a video diary
using a mini-camera, no screen obviously,
to document how they coped.
It's raining outside,
and because I didn't have a phone
or Wi-Fi,
I couldn't search up the weather.
So I just left and started walking
and it started to rain.
I know in about five to ten minutes,
when I arrive at the pub,
not having my phone is going to be
a real struggle for me,
because I'm going to be sitting there
and I'm going to be bored,
because I'm just...
It's only going to be me, my sister,
my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.
So we're not going to do much.
Of course, another great way
to check the weather is the cloud.
Or as I call them, clouds.
How would you feel
about every embarrassing thing you've done
as a teenager being recorded forever?
It's the most horrifying thing
I can think of.
We're so lucky.
So lucky. That's why I never signed up
for The Real World.
I was like, "I'm going to get drunk
and throw up on some guy
while I'm blowing him,
and it's gonna out there forever."
That would have been me.
New Orleans, Season 10.
I wish what I had been doing
as a teenager was online.
I was cool. I was in a band when I was...
I played CBGB's when I was a teenager.
Sorry?
What band were you in?
Well, please don't misunderstand me.
The band... They had an open mic night
essentially at CBGB's on Monday nights.
Anybody could show up,
but we showed up
and we played and it was fucking rad
that we did that
That's the coolest thing I ever did.
I was 16 years old. Ever since then...
If you're a younger person watching,
"rad" is what dads call "good."
DL, do you think you could go a day
without your phone?
Yeah, of course. But I never like...
I'm not...
I never needed for anything I did
to be published, because I've got a mother
who won't forget shit, so it's...
I'm just trying to think of a time
when you're not on your phone...
Do you ever do that?
You congratulate yourself a little bit.
Like you go to a movie
and you don't check it for half the movie,
because I can't last the whole time,
but, like...
You go half the movie
and I kind of look at it in my purse,
and I'm like, "I'm so strong."
I've genuinely...
Genuinely, I have an issue with this.
I'm obsessed now by watching
foreign films and foreign TV shows
where there's subtitles,
because you have to actually watch it
and not check your phone.
Yes, that's good.
You force yourself to read.
Yeah.
But you are reading
when you use your phone.
There's a lot of shame involved.
"Oh, she's on her phone."
You're reading things on it.
If it were a book,
"Oh Nikki's such a little bookworm."
She's reading!
Katherine,
what are you reading on your phone?
What is your favorite site?
What do you visit?
Well, I'm on Instagram,
Instagram Stories, Twitter.
The period tracker app,
WhatsApp, Facebook.
Can anybody sign up
for the period tracker?
Yes.
Is that just a social media thing
where you're like, "I'm on the rag,"
and everybody can be like, "Me too"?
Can I...
You could do that.
No, you put your period
in your phone once,
you just bleed on it a little bit,
and then...
Just a bit.
You just...
I'm kidding.
You just manually rub blood on it.
And then it...
It tells you when it's coming.
It tells you other stuff too.
"Today's the day
you're most likely to cry on a treadmill."
It'll warn you, so you don't stab someone
in the grocery store.
It'll be like, "Keep it together today."
I don't know about other guys.
I'm just finding out about this.
Why am I not linked
to my other half's period tracker?
It would help me tremendously.
You should be.
A designer in Austria has created
something to help social media addicts.
I think you might like these.
- These are substitute phones.
- Oh.
So they're just marbles
in a little block.
- The idea is... Grab one.
- Thank you.
You can replicate the swiping motion.
So if you're horribly addicted
to your phone,
you could just be pretending
the whole time.
But didn't Blackberry already do this?
I don't hate this.
And I thought I would.
It's like when you try to quit smoking
and the cool people just walk around
with a cigarette that they never light,
but it's just in their lip.
- Yeah.
- I think it's the same thing.
- I like it...
- No, it's not okay.
People have sex dolls.
They don't bring them out in public.
Okay. Phones back
because the producer has said,
"Otherwise they'll play with them."
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's like a fidget spinner for pricks.
As opposed to the regular fidget spinners,
which are for cool people.
Okay, in the quest for likes
and followers,
people go to extremes
to get the perfect selfie.
Take a look at this.
That's great.
Wow, "Camel bites
can cause your bones to dissolve"?
Jesus Christ!
Camel toe can cause your pride
to dissolve.
Has taking a selfie
ever got you into trouble?
No, actually. I...
The photo thing is one thing that I...
I don't like looking at my own face
very much, so I rarely take...
- I get that.
- Right? Don't you?
About my face?
- No, I think you're very handsome.
- Thank you.
I'm going to slide into your DMs
a little bit later.
Thank you.
Wear a raincoat.
I saw an extraordinary thing
the other morning.
I was in a hotel, having breakfast,
and I saw these ladies come in,
beautiful ladies.
They came in, got on their bikinis,
sat by the pool, took a selfie,
got up and left.
That was their day by the pool.
They just went, "Oh, I've got the photo.
I guess we're done here."
Yeah.
I know people that use that for an alibi.
You know, "I was really here," but...
We are visiting different hotels, DL.
You haven't lived till you've visited
a Snooty Fox on Manchester.
Let me tell you something.
Sorry, has anyone got a pen?
I need to write that down.
Is that a by-the-hour place?
Yeah, absolutely.
The Snooty Fox.
No, no.
You don't go. Don't go.
I'm very street, DL. You don't know me.
Um, okay, let's get a fresh perspective
on how social media is ruining our lives
with the help of our resident data expert,
Mona Chalabi!
Hi, guys.
Hey, Mona.
Great to have you here. So what have you
got for us on social media?
So, the amount of time we spend
on social media has grown and grown.
I've made some illustrations to explain.
Worldwide, people now spend
about 135 minutes per day
using social media platforms.
But what does that amount of time
really mean?
Let's compare it
to some other everyday activities.
On average, we have sex
for just one measly minute per day.
We...
We spend about 60 minutes a day
grooming ourselves.
We spend about 75 minutes each day
eating and drinking.
But perhaps most tellingly of all,
when you compare how many minutes
we spend on social media
to the time spent
with friends and family face-to-face,
the data paints
a pretty interesting picture.
We spend just 39 minutes per day
socializing and communicating
with the people that matter most.
So it looks like we prefer
our online lives to our offline lives.
So a minute a day having sex.
Who's having sex twice a day?
Crazy talk. You also described it
as "one measly minute a day."
You know what?
It's about quality, not quantity.
So give me that again.
How many minutes
on social media every day?
135.
Does that check out?
I would double that for me.
It's different though,
because it's kind of our job.
- to be on social media.
- It is.
We are working.
And I don't know
what real people do on there.
- Yeah.
- Besides send us pictures of their dicks.
Can I ask a question?
How frequenty do you, as women,
get dick pics from guys online?
Is that a real thing that happens a lot?
It's not just dick pics.
Because I do stand-up comedy
and people think I'm mean,
they confuse that with being a dominatrix.
There are men who send me
photos of themselves being humiliated
and ask me to retweet it.
A man sent me a photo of himself
squatting onto the bedpost of his room.
And he said, "Please retweet this
and humiliate me, mistress."
I'm impressed that a guy had a bedpost.
Yeah.
That is extraordinary.
Because we're from a previous generation.
We're pre-dick-pics.
I'm almost 24 years old,
so this is all new to me.
If you're watching this
in high definition 4K...
I would like to apologize
for the obvious lie.
Do you spend more time on social media
than with your family, DL?
Wait, people have sex for a minute?
Do you want me to tell you
how I calculated that?
- Yeah, tell us.
- So...
A study asked heterosexual couples
to keep a stopwatch
and see how long it took
for the man to ejaculate
when he was inside of a vagina.
We know how sex works!
Hold on.
- I'm not sure I understand this.
- Yeah.
And the average amount of time
it took for those men to ejaculate
was 5.4 minutes.
Oh, okay.
And if people have sex twice a week,
that averages out to about a minute a day.
Wait, so...
- "Go!"
- Yeah.
Wait.
- That's exactly it.
- No, baby, this is for science.
Mona, thank you very much indeed.
Fascinating stuff.
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
DL and Michael, you've got
the most followers on Instagram,
so you get to go first.
Well, ever since Al Gore
invented the internet,
60% of people reported
that it's hurt their self-esteem
and usually it's some troll
with an egg for a profile pic
calling someone a slut for eating a bagel.
That is why there's no more hiding
behind your avatar
with my fix, the internet license.
Now, the license
will be tied to your actual identity.
You're going to be held accountable
for every Facebook rant,
every selfie from a super high angle
that shows just a hint of a nipple, Nikki.
One in 20 men have been teased or trolled
or body-shamed online
and men have it easy.
For women, going online
is like sky diving into a landfill,
except the landfill asks you
to post photos of your feet.
Basically, if we know who you are,
you'll be way less likely to troll
and, if you do slip up,
there's a special task force
that will track you down
and throw your candy-ass in internet jail.
Problem solved.
Check out this behind-the-scenes look
at the task force in action. Roll it!
Internet Cops is filmed
with the men and women of law enforcement.
Alright.
Easy!
Yeah, what?
Sir, do you have your internet license?
Yeah, I got one.
- You've got one? Can I see it, sir?
- Right there.
- It's right there?
- Right there.
Your license is right...
We've got a runner.
- 69 was taken.
- Alright.
Assninja!
Car 69, nailed it.
We've got a tip on your probe.
Intersection of Yanny and Laurel.
Got it. Yanny and Yanny.
God, I have been after this guy
for a long time. Buckle up, kiddos.
Busted, you son of a bitch.
No, you can't has cheezburger.
All right, let's go.
It's great. I love it.
- So this is taking away anonymity...
- Absolutely.
And applying accountability
to the internet.
Absolutely.
Chris Rock has a great joke.
He says there's an app that lets you know
which one of your friends is racist
and it's called Facebook, so it's...
I think you strip away anonymity,
people say less things.
Less hurtful things.
Yeah, I think the internet would be
a very different place
if people had to be themselves on there,
not some made-up, crazy name.
Would it change
the way you use the internet?
Uh, well, I'm very public
about how I use the internet.
And I don't see...
I don't see it changing for me,
because I am who I am,
but this makes a lot of sense to me,
because there are a lot of trolls.
And...
What would you have to do
to get the license?
Because, for me, all that's important
is that you can differentiate the spelling
of the words "your" and "you're"...
...and "their", T-H-E-I-R,
and "they're," T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E.
If you can spell, as far as I'm concerned,
you can have an internet license.
I'm not sure about the internet cop idea.
I'm not sure that we need more police.
You're right. It does seem weird,
a black dude advocating for more police.
You're right.
I didn't think about that part.
Okay, Katherine,
what do you make of the internet license?
I think it's a brilliant idea, DL.
I've noticed America needs
more incarceration.
And if...
If you cleaned up the internet and got
all those people to be accountable,
then I could be on social media even more.
Let's hear it, everyone,
for the internet license.
Are you literally checking your phone,
Nikki?
Sorry, did you just check your phone?
Yes.
What are you checking currently
on your phone?
I'm just letting someone know
where I'm...
It was a text. I'm sorry.
It was disrespectful.
- You're a monster.
- I know!
I'm breaking up with someone after this
and I have to figure out a time to meet...
...to do it.
Well, don't meet...
I can't stop sharing.
Don't air this, please.
Are you...
I'm just trying to excuse my behavior.
I'm just being told
that I'm not your therapist
and we have to get on, I'm so sorry.
Right, Katherine and Nikki,
time to hear your fix.
Give it up for Katherine Ryan.
Uh, we are all addicted to our phones
and everyone who comments
on my Instagram selfies
unanimously wants it to stop.
Social media is ruining our lives,
but I'm going to fix it by
slowing down the internet.
Do you remember what it was like
to have an attention span?
Of course there aren't any nachos left.
Now what was your question?
Oh, yeah.
Our minds have been turned to garbage.
Just how badly do you really want to see
a girl with a fake ass working out?
How about if it took three hours
for the photo to load?
You might go outside
and show your unfiltered penis
to some ladies in your neighborhood
instead.
And, sure,
your uncle is a formidable racist,
but we're going to slow
that prick's Facebook
like his enlarged prostate
slowed his urine stream.
He'll have to think as long and hard
as the tumor angrily growing in his rectum
before posting that feminism is cancer.
With internet that slow,
your unpleasant family members
will have to save up their tedious rants
for Christmas.
Help us help you by slowing your internet
to an absolute grinding halt.
Jimmy, welcome to the future.
There she is.
My mother always told me,
"Make them wait and they'll want it more",
but I am living proof
that if you make them wait long enough,
they'll want it a whole lot less.
And please take a look at this beautiful,
famous young woman.
She's never been outside.
She's brought her phone into a studio,
where she's literally being paid
not to be on it.
I'm so embarrassed.
She's hopelessly addicted to social media.
Slow it down.
So, essentially the idea
is we slow down the internet
and that forces us
back into the real world.
- Right.
- What do you like about this idea, Nikki?
I think it's just a really good solution.
It's just too fast and convenient now.
It's like...
And getting free Wi-Fi on the plane?
I used to enjoy that time
when you really couldn't be on your phone
and now you can be on it anywhere.
And it would be nice
if they eliminated that a little bit.
But people on Reddit
are going to be so angry about this.
Oh, they'll be angry,
but heroin addicts are angry
when you take them off heroin as well.
That's true.
DL, Michael,
what do you make of this idea?
Absolutely. Remember when you first
started watching porn on your laptop.
And that buffering, that whole...
It's hard to hold your dick and keep
hitting refresh. It was ridiculous.
That was a lovely thing.
You used to have to plan it.
You used to have to go, "You know what?
I think I might masturbate tomorrow."
Yeah.
"I'm going to download something."
What would you guys do
if you had more time on your hands?
Another two hours of your life every day.
Pray for death.
Keep it light, it's a comedy show.
Oh, pray for death!
Much better.
Can I just say,
I really do think that
if the internet was slower...
My porn searches have become so depraved
because I just get so much porn
that it can just get grosser and grosser.
You just get used to it.
And pretty soon they're showing you...
In the thumbnails that are suggested,
I'm starting to see blood in them
and I'm like, "No, no, I don't want that."
They're like, "We'll see you in a week,"
and I'm like, "No, you won't."
And they will,
because they know what I'm headed towards.
But, if it took time,
I would still be into just like...
If it was loading like this,
I wouldn't have time
to get into the weird shit I'm into.
Do you remember
when I asked about oversharing earlier?
Yes.
- It's a problem for you.
- I have a problem.
I used to be into just
a man and a woman having sex
and now my porn searches
literally start...
I'll go to Pornhub or whatever
and I'll type in,
"Girl running through warehouse scared."
That's where they start for me.
That's like safe.
We're just getting in the dungeon.
- Yeah.
- I am judging you.
You should. I have a problem.
I actually don't look at pornography.
Not for any high moral reason.
I just finished it.
How many hits come up when you type in
"Girl running through warehouse scared"?
A lot. I mean...
As if we're not all going to find out
in about an hour.
It's so many.
Everyone now is going, "Hang on,
Netflix is on, but this is important."
I just realized I really like bondage porn
where the girls are all tied up
and I was always like,
"What's wrong with you?"
But let me sell it to you guys, okay?
Because I didn't know.
Okay, I always judged myself.
I was like, "Why do I like girls
all tied up and defenseless?"
And it's because it's forced laziness.
Because you're like, "I'd love
to jerk you off, but my hands are tied."
You just get to lean into it.
It's awesome.
So you watch this stuff and you're very...
So you would... Yeah...
No, I'm...
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it
for slowing down the internet.
Right, so Katherine's team are proposing
slowing down the internet
and DL's team are suggesting
an internet license.
You have the right to remain online.
Anything you search can and will
be used against you
in the court of public opinion.
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes is the Facebook
and which is the Myspace.
Okay, audience.
Vote now, please.
And remember, this isn't a BuzzFeed quiz.
Your answer here matters.
Okay, the votes are in
and, with 55% of the votes,
the winner is Katherine Ryan!
So that's that. Social media is fixed.
Thank you, Katherine Ryan, Nikki Glaser,
DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black...
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
and to all of you for watching.
We'll be solving
more of the world's problems in
five, four, three, two, one.