The Fall Guy (1981–1986): Season 1, Episode 7 - Japanese Connection - full transcript

♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE
KIND TO KISS AND TELL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN
SEEN WITH FARRAH ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH ANYTHING LESS ♪

♪ THAN A NINE SO FINE ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN ON FIRE
WITH SALLY FIELD ♪

♪ GONE FAST WITH
A GIRL NAMED BO ♪

♪ BUT SOMEHOW THEY
JUST DON'T END UP AS MINE ♪

♪ IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN'
LIFE I LEAD ♪

♪ I TAKE MY CHANCES ♪

♪ I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN
THE MOVIES AND TV ♪

[Siren Wailing]



♪ BUT THE HARDEST
THING I EVER DO ♪

♪ IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES ♪

♪ KISS SOME OTHER GUY
WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE ♪

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDIN' ♪

♪ I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE
REDFORD SUCH A STAR ♪

♪♪ [Women Vocalizing]

♪ I'VE NEVER SPENT
MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE TAUGHT
LADIES PLENTY ♪

♪ IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY
BODY OUT FOR PAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I'VE GOTTEN BURNED
OVER CHERYL TIEGS ♪

♪ BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH ♪



♪ BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN
THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I MIGHT JUMP AN
OPEN DRAWBRIDGE ♪

♪ OR TARZAN FROM A VINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MAKES EASTWOOD
LOOK SO FINE ♪♪

[Colt Narrating] THIS IS THE STORY OF
ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT
YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.

YOU'VE CHEERED FOR
HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM,

WOMEN HAVE WANTED
TO DIE FOR HIM.

BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY
CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.

HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.

AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN'
SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS...

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S
ME, COLT SEAVERS.

ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T
WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.

SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A
GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.

WELL, ONE WAY IS TO
WAIT BY THE PHONE...

AND WAIT... AND WAIT.

THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL
JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM...

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED
INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES
A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE...

GET OUT OF JAIL ON
WHAT WE CALL BAIL.

AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. I SOMETIMES
PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM...

AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.

TODAY I'VE GOTTA GO TO THE
STUDIO TO TEACH HOWIE MARTIAL ARTS.

IT CAN COME IN REAL HANDY.

[Man] OKAY. READY, ACTION!

[Narrator Imitating Bogart] SHE WAS
STARING AT ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

I COULD TELL FROM THE GLEAM
IN HER EYE THAT SHE WAS HUNGRY.

I NEEDED INFORMATION.
SHE NEEDED A MAN.

WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

HIYA, BABY.

[Groans]

[Man] CUT! IT'S A PRINT. WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU, GUYS. THAT WAS GREAT!

- HEY, JAMIE. ON YOUR BACK AGAIN.
- HEY, COLT!

[Chuckles] [Chuckles] WHERE
WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?

I TOLD YOU, YOU OUGHTA LET YOUR
STUNTMAN HANDLE THAT ROUGH STUFF.

IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE.
THEY WANTED ME IN THE DRESS.

DON'T FORGET, YOU'VE DONE SOME
OF YOUR BEST WORK IN A DRESS.

HEY, BY THE WAY, WHERE'S
THE PROJECTION ROOM?

THATAWAY. AH. THANK YOU.

[Men Clamoring On Speaker]

[Clamoring Continues]

[Colt] ALL WE HAVE
TO DO IS GET YOU TO

WHERE YOU CAN DO ALL
THIS INSIDE FOUR WEEKS,

AND WE'VE GOT
THEIR NEXT PICTURE.

COLT, IT'S A "P" OF "C"... PIECE OF CAKE.
I TOOK MARTIAL ARTS AT PENN STATE.

[Colt] I THOUGHT IT WAS
COLORADO "U." OH, YEAH. IT WAS.

[Martial Arts Yells]

HEY, JOE.

HEY. HOW ARE YA DOIN'? HOW
ARE YA DOIN'? GOOD TO SEE YA.

HOWIE, JODY, YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT THE FULL CONTACT

KARATE CHAMPION OF
THE WORLD, JOE LEWIS.

UH, FULL CONTACT CHAMPION?

IS THIS THE ADVANCED STUDENT
YOU CALLED ME ABOUT, COLT? YEP.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA TEACH ME, COLT.
- HEY, KID, I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD,

TOO LAZY AND TOO TIRED TO TEACH
YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.

SO I FIGURED I'D LET THE GUY
THAT TAUGHT ME TEACH YOU.

HOW MUCH DOES HE KNOW,
COLT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW,

BUT, UH, I HOPE YOU'VE
CLEARED A LOT OF YOUR TIME.

I'LL FINISH MY BEER.
YOU SHOW 'EM, HOWIE.

I JUST WANT TO START OFF WITH A
SIMPLE, BASIC PRINCIPLE OF DISTANCING,

JUST TO SEE IF WE'VE KINDA COME
FROM THE SAME SCHOOL, OKAY?

I WENT TO ALL THE SCHOOLS,
SO THAT'S NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

WE HAVE THREE
SEPARATE DISTANCES.

NOW, NOTICE, FROM THIS
DISTANCE THAT BASICALLY

ALL I CAN DO IS MAYBE
SOMETHING LIKE...

JUDO THROWS, JUJITSU ARM LOCKS, CHOKE
HOLDS... THINGS LIKE INSIDE GRAPPLING.

THEN, NEXT WE HAVE THE
OUTSIDE DISTANCE LINE.

FROM HERE BASICALLY
ALL I CAN DO IS, MAYBE...

HEY. [Chuckles] STUFF LIKE THAT.

- GOT IT? - [Howie] FUNDAMENTAL.

LET ME CHECK TO SEE WHAT KINDA
POWER YOU GOT IN YOUR KICKS, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY. COLT, CAN YOU
THROW ME THAT FOCUS PAD?

SURE. YEAH.

I JUST WANT YOU TO HIT ME AS HARD
AS YOU CAN WITH YOUR BEST KICK.

LOTS OF POWER, OKAY?

I HOPE YOU'RE READY
FOR THIS. [Chuckles]

[Shouts] [Laughs]

- OH, YOU'RE KIDDIN' ME,
RIGHT, COLT?
- I WOULDN'T KID WITH HIM, HOWIE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE
NOW. I WANT YOU TO HOLD IT.

NOW I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
AN IDEA OF THE KINDA POWER...

THAT YOU CAN REALLY
GET IN ONE OF THESE KICKS.

- OKAY?
- GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, JOE.

GO ON. NOW BRACE
YOURSELF REALLY HARD. OKAY.

OKAY? YEAH. [Grunts]

[Crashes, Clattering]

JODY, I THINK I'M
GONNA NEED A SIX-PACK.

AH. SEE? HUH? IT'S SPEED,
RIGHT? IT'S NOT WEAPONS.

[Joe] NOW WEAPONS
AREN'T IMPORTANT.

THE THING THAT'S IMPORTANT IS
YOU. [Whispers] COLT. EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU. IT'S
YOUR ABILITY TO USE YOUR MIND...

EXCUSE ME. TO MAKE USE OF
ANYTHING THAT'S AROUND YOU.

RIGHT HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU. FOR
EXAMPLE, I COULD USE THAT ROPE.

I COULD USE HER COAT, OR...
LOOK, THROW ME THAT SCRIPT.

TAKE A SIMPLE SCRIPT, ALL RIGHT?

ROLL IT UP QUICKLY. WHAT
HAVE I GOT? JUST LIKE A STICK.

NOW LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO USE IT. NOW
LET'S IMAGINE WE WERE IN A STREET FIGHT.

AND WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TAKE YOUR
BEST PUNCH RIGHT AT MY HEAD. GO AHEAD.

LOOKS AWFULLY DANGEROUS
TO ME. THAT'S CONCENTRATION.

[Martial Arts Yelling]

[Crashes, Clattering] I TOLD
YOU IT WAS DANGEROUS.

- ALL OF THIS
IS DANGEROUS.
- YOU OKAY?

WHAT KIND OF SECURITY CAN YOU
REALLY GET WORKING AS A STUNTMAN?

[Joe Chattering] WHY
RISK YOUR LIFE...

DAY IN AND DAY OUT...

WHEN YOU COULD MAKE A NICE, COMFORTABLE
LIVING WORKING WITH ME FULL-TIME?

RIGHT, NOTHIN' TO FEAR BUT A BULLET
BETWEEN MY EARS OR A KNIFE IN MY BACK...

OR JUST PLAIN GETTIN'
MY NOSE PUNCHED.

I WOULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.
HUH. THAT'S WHAT JOE SAID TO THE KID.

- [Groans]
- [Joe Continues Chattering]

LET'S GET BACK TO CASES. WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THE RIO BROTHERS?

RIO? OH, THOSE JOKERS?

MEANS A FREE TRIP
TO HAWAII. [Sighs]

- [Mouthing Words]
- KEEP TALKIN'.

WELL, THIS IS HOW I SEE IT.

SO THESE ARE THE RIO
BROTHERS. WHAT DID THESE

GUYS DO TO EARN
THEMSELVES A $25,000 BOND?

WELL, THEY STARTED OUT
KENTUCKY MOONSHINING,

THEN DECIDED TO GO BIG-TIME BY SLAPPING
THEIR FIREWATER INTO FANCY BOTTLES.

AND I GUESS SOME OF THE
BONDED LABEL CUSTOMERS

WEREN'T TOO PLEASED
WITH THE RIO BREW.

WHAT ARE THEY DOIN' IN HAWAII?
WELL, THEY MUST BE UP TO SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHERE THEY WERE HEADED
WHEN THE F.B.I. PICKED THEM UP AT L.A.X.

YOU MEAN THEY GOT OUT OF JAIL AND WENT
RIGHT BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL TRAVEL PLANS?

YOU GOT IT. AND WE
GET A PAID VACATION.

ALOHA!

SHE'D LOOK SO NICE
IN A GRASS SKIRT.

YOU CAN'T COME
ALONG, JODY. WHY NOT?

I HELPED WITH THE RIO BROTHERS, AND
YOU KNOW I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

LOOK. SAMANTHA JACK IS NOT THE
WORLD'S MOST GENEROUS EMPLOYER.

NOT EVEN WITH A PROSPECTIVE
PARTNER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, THE JOB JUST DOESN'T PAY
ENOUGH FOR YOUR TICKET. I'M SORRY.

LOCK UP WHEN YOU LEAVE, OKAY?

[Man] HOPE THOSE STUPID NATIVES DON'T
SHOW UP WHILE WE'RE STEALIN' THEIR CROP.

[Man #2] DON'T WORRY.
THOSE STUPID PINEAPPLE

HEADS ARE OUT
SURFIN' OR SOMETHIN'.

NO, STEALIN' PLANTS FROM THESE
BANANA HEADS IS EASIER THAN... [Chuckles]

STEALIN' THE GOLD FILLINGS OUTTA
GRANNY'S DENTURES ON A NIGHTSTAND.

STUFF SMELLS TERRIBLE. I CAN'T
SEE HOW FOLKS SMOKE IT. [Strains]

- [Shouting
In Foreign Language]
- DEL!

DANG IT, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?

I BELIEVE YOU OUGHTA COME
OUT AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!

GOOD GRIEF. OH,
MY... [Shouting Continues]

[Del] BOBBY! BOBBY! [Groans]

[Shouting Continues]

[Colt] UH, JUST TURN OFF HERE?

[Howie] UH, I'VE MADE SOME LAST-MINUTE
CHANGES IN OUR HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS.

WHY? THAT WAS A GREAT HOTEL WE STAYED
AT LAST TIME. WELL, I FOUND A BETTER PLACE.

HOWIE, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. THIS
IS IT? WELL, YOU SAID NOTHING FANCY.

YEAH, THIS IS IT.

[Waves Crashing In Distance]
BRIDAL SUITE, HUH?

UH, A REAL NICE PLACE,
KID. IT'S VERY, UH, AUTHENTIC.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I HAD IN MIND, YOU KNOW?

COLT, VIEWING THIS TRIP AS YOUR BUSINESS
MANAGER, I FELT THAT IT WOULD BE...

TO OUR ADVANTAGE TO CUT BACK FINANCIALLY
WHENEVER POSSIBLE. [Frog Croaks]

SINCE WE ARE HERE ON BUSINESS, I FIGURED
THE ACCOMMODATIONS WEREN'T ALL THAT...

IMPORTANT.

[Croaks] OH, NO. KERMIT.

[Jody] ALOHA!

ALOHA? OH, THERE YOU ARE.

HERE'S TWO LEIS FOR
TWO HANDSOME HAOLES.

WHAT IS GOIN' ON? WELL, HOWIE
HERE FINALLY SHOWED SOME INGENUITY.

HE SOMEHOW MANAGED
TO SAVE ENOUGH MONEY...

ON YOUR TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS
TO PAY FOR MY TICKET.

- YEAH, WELL, I THINK I KNOW HOW.
- I WON'T GET IN THE WAY. I PROMISE.

WELL, I PROMISE YOU WON'T
HANDLE THE MONEY AGAIN.

AW, COLT, COME ON.

♪♪ [Drums Beating]

[Man] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE DON HO DANCERS!

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

HEY, CYRIL. HOW YOU DOIN'?

HI, MAN. NICE TO SEE
YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE LOST SOME
WEIGHT. ONLY AROUND THE MONEY BELT, MAN.

[Laughs] HEY, YOU GOT A
TABLE FOR MY FRIENDS?

SURE, SURE. DON IS UPSTAIRS
WAITING FOR YOU. OH, GOOD.

HEY, AND NO FIGHTS
TONIGHT, HUH? WELL, I'LL TRY.

SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.

I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,
BUT I USED TO PLAY A

PRETTY MEAN UKULELE.
LET'S KEEP IT A SECRET.

♪♪ [Continues On Speaker]

[Cyril On Speaker] COLT
SEAVERS IS ON HIS WAY UP, DON.

COLT'S HERE. HEY! COLT.

YOU STILL FASTER THAN
MACHINES? YEAH, AND THE

TOURISTS STILL LIKE YOU
BETTER THAN PINEAPPLES.

THE LOCAL PEOPLE DO. I TRY
TO MAKE 'EM ALL HAPPY. [Applause]

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS? WELL,
PLAY GAMES EVERY NIGHT.

THERE'S THE SOUND,
LIGHTS, BALANCE,

AND I HAVE A TELEPHONE ONSTAGE
THAT, UH, CONTROLS EVERYTHING.

ALL THESE YEARS I THOUGHT YOU
WERE TALKIN' TO YOUR MOTHER. [Chuckles]

COME WITH ME HERE. UH, YOUR
FRIENDS, THE RIO BROTHERS...

I THINK THEY MAY BE ON MOLOKAI.

ISN'T THAT A LEPER
COLONY? WELL, NOT ANYMORE.

UH, LIKE THE REST OF THE
ISLANDS, IT'S GETTING TOURISTS.

ALSO AGRICULTURAL CENTER,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...

MAUI WOWIE. HMM.

CAN I WALK IN? NO WAY. THE
GROWERS, THEY WATCH THE ROAD.

HMM. WHAT ABOUT FROM THE AIR?
WELL, THE UNDERGROWTH IS THICK.

UH, THEY GROW EVERYTHING
UNDER THE TREES,

SO THEY'LL PROBABLY HEAR YOU
LONG BEFORE YOU CAN SEE THEM.

THEY'LL BLOW YOU OUT OF THE SKY.

ONE MORE THING. UM,

THE RIO BROTHERS, THEY'RE
NOT VERY WELCOME HERE.

I WOULDN'T SPREAD THE WORD THAT,
UM, YOU'RE CLOSE BUDDIES, YOU KNOW?

I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL A LITTLE UNWELCOME
AROUND HERE. WELL, NOT HERE IN THE CLUB.

COME ON DOWN. LET'S WATCH
THE SHOW, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

GOT A LOT OF NICE LITTLE
LASSIES OUT HERE FOR YOU.

PINEAPPLE DRINKS. CHI-CHIS.

♪♪ [Easy Listening Swing]

EXCUSE ME.

♪♪ [Continues] BASICALLY THIS IS
KIND OF A SMALL ISLAND, ISN'T IT?

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING
OR SOMETHING? NO.

I WAS JUST THINKING,
YOU GUYS PROBABLY KNOW

ABOUT EVERYBODY WHO
COMES AND GOES AROUND HERE.

SURE, I GUESS SO.

YOU EVER HEARD OF A COUPLE OF GUYS
FROM THE MAINLAND CALLED THE RIO BROTHERS?

[Man] YEAH, I HEARD OF THEM.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO TO THOSE
EGG-SUCKIN' WEASELS IF I SAW THEM?

- UH, NO.
- THIS.

THEY STOLE MY JEEP. I'LL
TAKE THEIR ARMS AND DO THIS.

POPULAR GUYS. YEAH.

YOU TALKIN' ABOUT THEM GOB-OF-SPIT
RIOS THAT RIPPED OFF MY CROP?

I'D GRAB THOSE
SQUIRRELS, AND I'D... [Shouting]

- ♪♪ [Ho Continues Singing]
- [Women Screaming]

I THOUGHT YOU SAID NO FIGHTING.
WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.

[Mutters]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Grunting Quietly]

WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT? YOU
HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M GETTIN' PRETTY GOOD.

THE NEXT TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH
UP ABOUT A CASE WITHOUT ASKIN' ME,

YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE
OF THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD.

I WOULD'VE BAILED YOU OUT FIRST,
EXCEPT SHE GOT BETTER LEGS. I AGREE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS.

JUST REMEMBER, HAWAIIAN POLICE DON'T
SUPPORT MAINLAND BOUNTY HUNTERS.

SEEN ANYTHING YET?

NO, WE CAME UP EMPTY.
NOTHIN' DOWN THIS WAY.

WELL, THOSE RIO BROTHERS ARE
SOMEWHERE. WE'LL FAN OUT THIS WAY.

[Bobby] LOOK AT THAT! THAT STUFF'S
GOTTA BE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY.

THINGS ARE JUST GETTIN'
EASIER AND EASIER.

THAT TRUCKLOAD OF MARIJUANA IS
GONNA BUY OUR WAY OFF OF THIS ISLAND...

AND PUT US ON EASY STREET.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA. THIS
IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

[Mouthing Words]

- [Man] SOMEBODY'S TAKING THE TRUCK!
- [Man #2] STOP THEM!

OVER THERE!

[Shouting, Chattering]

DEL, DO YOU GOT ANY
IDEA WHERE WE'RE HEADED?

HECK, NO. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE WE'RE AT.

OH, WE'RE IN BIG
TROUBLE. I THINK SO,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THIS ROAD GOES TO.

THIS ALL LOOKS
LIKE THE SAME TO ME.

[Del] OH, SHOO-OO-OOT!
[Tires Screeching]

COME ON, BOBBY. GIVE ME A HAND.

I AIN'T GONNA LEAVE HERE EMPTY-HANDED
AT ALL. COME ON. WELL, I AIN'T EITHER.

DEL, THEY'RE COMIN'!

COME ON, BOBBY. WE GOTTA
STAY A... STAY AHEAD OF THEM GUYS.

[Chattering Continues]

HERE THEY COME, DEL. WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO NOW? CHUCK IT OVER.

HUH? AND THEN CHUCK YOURSELF.

SHOO-OO-OOT!

THERE!

[Del] LET'S GET THE
HECK OUTTA HERE!

NOW ONCE YOU GET UP IN THE AIR, DON'T
FORGET. YOU EVENTUALLY GOTTA LAND.

MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE PILOT TO WATCH
OUT FOR THE WINDS ON THE NORTH SIDE.

YEAH, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AN EASY
FLIGHT. YEAH? OH, WHO'S THE PILOT?

I AM. A GIRL?

YEAH, ONLY HER HAIRDRESSER
KNOWS FOR SURE. LET'S GO.

[Engine Powering Up]

TWO MEN WITH SPECIAL CHUTES
HAVE CHARTERED A COPTER TO MOLOKAI.

[Colt] WE'RE COMIN'
UP TO MOLOKAI, KID.

IT CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL
ISLAND, AND IT COULD BE FOR US,

DEPENDING ON WHETHER WE SEE
THEM FIRST OR THEY SEE US FIRST.

GOT IT. TWO MEN IN
PARACHUTES. WE'LL BE WATCHING.

I'VE RECEIVED SOME
DISTRESSING NEWS CONCERNING

OUR AGRICULTURAL
INTEREST IN YOUR SECTOR.

[Man] I ASSURE YOU, SIR, THESE RIO
BROTHERS ARE ONLY A MINOR IRRITATION,

BUT I PROMISE YOU, THEY
WILL NOT ESCAPE US AGAIN.

THAT PLEASES ME. I AM SURE
YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL.

WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

I THINK THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE
AS WE CAN GET. ARE YOU READY?

YEAH. I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A
RECONNAISSANCE MISSION BEFORE.

YEAH, WELL, KID, YOU'RE
ABOUT TO GET A CRASH COURSE.

WELL, I HOPE NOT. SET DOWN
BELOW THE WEST RIDGE, JODY.

WE'LL MEET YOU THERE. LET'S GO.

HERE WE GO, KID. YAHOO!

[Howie] WHOA!

- ONCE WE GET OVER THAT RIDGE
UP AHEAD, IT'S QUIET TIME.
- HOW DO WE SPOT THE RIOS?

WE'LL LOOK FOR A COUPLE OF GUYS
BEING CHASED BY A HALF A DOZEN JAPANESE.

YES, SIR, I'VE SPOTTED THEM.

[Gunfire Continues]

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

[Gunfire Continues]

- [Fabric Tears] - MY CHUTE'S
RIPPED, COLT. I CAN'T CONTROL IT!

[Colt] SIT BACK IN THE STRAPS
AND SUCK IN ON THE LEFT LINE.

[Colt] HOLD ON. I'LL
TRY TO GET ABOVE YOU.

- [Howie] WHAT? - WE'LL STACK.

WILL THAT WORK? WE
BOTH BETTER HOPE SO.

OKAY, KID, YOU GOT
IT. JUST DON'T PANIC.

THAT'S GOOD. HOLD IT RIGHT
THERE, I'M COMIN' OVER THE TOP.

COME ON, KID. HOLD HER STEADY.

I'M COMIN' IN RIGHT ON
TOP OF YOUR SHOULDER.

COLT, I'M LOSING IT! NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU GOT IT FINE. JUST HANG IN THERE.

STEADY.

- OKAY WE'RE HOME FREE.
- WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN WE GET TO THE GROUND?

YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW THAT.

[Howie] WELL, LET'S FIND A CLEARING.
WHAT CLEARING? WE'RE GOIN' IN!

[Crashing Into
Foliage] UP THERE!

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.

[Water Fountain
Bubbling In Distance]

ARE THESE GUYS KIDDING
WITH THE SWORDS?

YOU EVER BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE
REALLY FANCY JAPANESE RESTAURANTS?

- NO.
- WITH PLACES WHERE THEY USE
SWORDS LIKE THAT,

TOSS BIG OL'
STEAKS UP IN THE AIR.

- ON THE WAY DOWN, THEY HACK 'EM
INTO LITTLE BITTY SHISH KEBABS.
- LITTLE BITTY...

- LITTLE BITTY.
- FORGET I ASKED.

[Speaking Japanese]

YOU MAY CALL ME
OH-SAN... "MR. OH."

YOU ARE SEEKING THE RIO BROTHERS
FOR BAIL JUMPING IN LOS ANGELES.

WELL, WORD GETS AROUND
PRETTY FAST HERE. I AM JAPANESE.

MY COUNTRY MANUFACTURES THE FINEST
INFORMATION COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD.

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE ABOUT ME
IN YOUR COMPUTERS?
- YOU DO NOT EXIST.

- DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING
OF "YAKUZA," SEAVERS-SAN?
- NOT EXACTLY.

WE LIVE BY A VERY STRICT
CODE OF HONOR, HANDED

DOWN FROM THE ORIGINAL
SAMURAI WARRIORS.

DOES THAT INCLUDE
GROWING ILLEGAL DRUGS?

MY RESPONSIBILITY IS TO PROTECT
THE INTEREST OF MY YAKUZA CLAN.

IT IS NOT FOR ME TO
QUESTION ITS ACTIVITIES.

HOW DO THE RIOS
FIT IN TO ALL THIS?

SEVERAL BAGS OF OUR... AGRICULTURAL
CROPS WERE STOLEN BY THE TWO BROTHERS.

THE BAGS MUST BE RETURNED. YOU
SEEM LIKE A PRACTICAL MAN, MR. OH.

IF YOU WERE THE RIOS,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH
THIS... AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS.

I WOULD SELL THEM... WHICH IS WHAT I
IMAGINE THESE TWO MEN INTEND TO DO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

WHEN YOU FIND THE RIO BROTHERS,
YOU MUST BRING THEM TO ME.

- I CAN'T DO THAT.
- I DO NOT EXPECT YOU
TO WORK FOR NOTHING.

- YOU WILL BE WELL PAID.
- [Whistles]

WHAT'LL HAPPEN
IF I GIVE 'EM TO YOU?

THEY WILL BE DEALT WITH
ACCORDING TO OUR LAWS.

WELL, I'M SORRY. I... I HAVE MY
OWN SENSE OF HONOR TO LIVE UP TO.

I CAN ONLY HOPE
THAT YOU RECONSIDER.

CAN WE GO NOW?

PERHAPS I CAN OFFER
YOU ONE MORE TEMPTATION.

[Speaks Japanese]

- JODY.
- THEY GOT ME WHEN I LANDED
THE HELICOPTER. I'M SORRY.

I REGRET THAT WE HAVE TO DO
BUSINESS THIS WAY, SEAVERS-SAN,

BUT I'M AFRAID THE
LADY WILL HAVE TO STAY

WITH US UNTIL THE RIO
BROTHERS ARE RETURNED.

IS THAT WHAT YOUR SAMURAI
RELATIVES WOULD'VE DONE, OH-SAN?

A WARRIOR MUST DO WHAT IS NECESSARY
TO WIN. THE LADY WILL BE QUITE SAFE.

YOU HAVE MY WORD. YEAH, WELL, I HOPE
YOUR WORD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAMN CODE.

IF WE MEET AGAIN ONE DAY, WE
WILL HAVE A LONG TALK ABOUT HONOR.

YEAH, YOU BET.
I'LL BE BACK, JODY.

[Door Slides Shut]

[Woman On P.A.] FLIGHT 17 FOR LOS
ANGELES NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 3.

- IT'S THOSE JAPANESE FELLAS.
- DANG.

BOBBY, COME IN HERE WITH ME.

[Woman On P.A.] TRANS ISLAND AIRWAYS
FLIGHT 6 NOW BOARDING AT GATE 11.

HOW WAS WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT
THERE WERE SOME KINDA JAPANESE SYNDICATE?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO END UP A
DEAD MAN THAT'S RICH! GET DOWN!

[Woman On P.A.] MR. R. FRANKLIN,
WHITE COURTESY PHONE.

- MR. R. FRANKLIN,
WHITE COURTESY PHONE.
- GIVE ME SOME DIMES.

I GOTTA MAKE ME A BUNCH OF CALLS. THERE'S
GOTTA BE SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE OUT THERE...

WHO CAN HELP US GET OUTTA
THIS MESS. HERE, I GOT SOME DIMES.

[Woman] LINE ONE, MISS JACK...
LONG DISTANCE FROM HAWAII.

IT'S COLLECT. COLLECT? IT
HAS TO BE COLT SEAVERS.

NO. THE GUY SAID HIS
NAME WAS RIO. RIO?

THE RIO BROTHERS ARE CALLING
ME? [Chuckles] THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S GOTTA BE COLT.
DOES HE SOUND DRUNK?

WELL, I... NEVER
MIND. I'LL TAKE IT.

HELLO? HELLO.

WHO IS IT? THIS IS DEL RIO.

IT IS YOU. YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF
NERVE CALLING ME AFTER JUMPING BAIL.

YOU MUST BE IN SOME REAL
TROUBLE. IT'S THOSE KAMIKAZES.

WHO? THE JAPANESE MAFIA.

THE JAPANESE MAFIA?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

LOOK, WHERE ARE YOU? WE'RE AT THE
HONOLULU AIRPORT, BUT WE GOTTA RUN.

NO. DON'T DO A THING. BUT
WE'RE SITTING DUCKS HERE!

I'LL GIVE YOU COLT
SEAVERS'S PHONE NUMBER.

YOU CALL HIM RIGHT NOW,
AND HE'LL PROTECT YOU.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S
555... [Mouthing Words]

6341. THANK YOU.

I GOT "555." OKAY, OKAY,
I GOT THE REST OF IT.

OH, THEY'RE GONE.

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing] YEAH, HELLO.

- THIS IS, UH, DEL RIO.
- UH, WHO?

I HEARD THROUGH THE ISLAND, UH,
GRAPEVINE THAT YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR ME.

TOMORROW MORNING,

KOKO MARINA, THE BOAT DOCK.

RIGHT. I'LL BE THERE.

IT'S THE RIO BROTHERS. THEY
WANNA GIVE THEMSELVES UP.

I DON'T KNOW, COLT. YOU THINK
THEY'RE REALLY GONNA SHOW UP?

THE WAY THINGS ARE
GOIN' FOR THE RIOS, IF THEY

DON'T, THEY'RE DUMBER
THAN I THOUGHT THEY WERE.

DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA BE
TOO MEAN TO US? NO, NO. LISTEN.

I-I DON'T THINK SO.
HE'LL JUST TAKE US BACK.

HE'S A PRETTY GOOD OL' BOY.
YES, HE IS. H-HI, MR. SEAVERS.

UH, SLAP THEM CUFFS ON US, 'CAUSE,
UH, WE KNOW WE DONE A-A BAD THING.

REAL BAD. MIGHTY FANCY
THREADS YOU BOYS ARE WEARING.

WELL, LOOK AT THIS WATCH.
IT'S REAL GOLD. WELL, ALMOST.

WHERE'D YOU GET
THE MONEY, BOBBY?

- WHAT DID YOU DO
WITH THE CROP YOU STOLE?
- WE SOLD IT.

- SOLD IT?
- THERE'S THEM CRAZY SAMURAIS!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GET MY WATCH! COME ON!

NOW I KNOW WHY THE RIO
BROTHERS WANTED TO TURN

THEMSELVES IN. HEY!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, KID.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE 'EM AT THE
MERCY OF THOSE CUTTHROATS. I'D LIKE TO.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THIS BOAT'S
NOT FOR HIRE! CAN WE BORROW YOUR BOAT?

HEY! WE'LL GET YOUR BOAT
BACK TO YOU IN NO TIME!

[Shouting] [Clamoring]

[Bobby] WELL, I NEVER SAW NO
REVENUER WITH A SWORD LIKE THAT!

COME ON! COME ON!

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OUR
BACKS UP AGAINST THE

WALL AGAIN, DEL. THIS
TIME THERE AIN'T NO WALL!

YOU DIDN'T SAY THIS WAS
GONNA BE A FISHIN' TRIP, COLT.

YEAH, WHAT YOU GOTTA GO
THROUGH TO PULL IN TWO SICK FISH.

[Growls]

COME ON, DEL. YOU WERE GONNA
MAKE SUKIYAKI OUTTA US, HUH?

- [Clamoring]
- BYE, Y'ALL!

YOU BEEN UP ALL NIGHT? AH,
WAITIN' FOR THE PHONE TO RING.

[Phone Ringing] LIKE THAT.

- HELLO.
- GOOD MORNING, SEAVERS-SAN.

I TRUST YOU SLEPT WELL AFTER
YOUR IMPRESSIVE BOAT MANEUVER.

ALL IN A DAY'S WORK, MR. OH-SAN.

- DO YOU HAVE
THE RIO BROTHERS?
- YES.

GOOD. I WOULD LIKE TO MEET WITH
YOU PERSONALLY TODAY, SEAVERS-SAN.

UM, WE HAVE A DEAL.
YOU'LL BRING JODY, RIGHT?

I LIVE BY MY WORD.

WE'LL BE THERE.
[Clicks, Dial Tone]

COLT, YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA TRADE
THE RIO BROTHERS FOR JODY, ARE YOU?

THAT GUY'LL KILL THEM. WELL, THE RIO
BROTHERS SOLD THAT DOPE FOR A LOT OF MONEY.

I'M SURE OH-SAN WOULD RATHER HAVE
THE CASH. WHAT IF THEY DON'T LET JODY GO?

WELL, THEN, PARTNER, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST
HAVE TO RUN IN THERE AND GRAB HER, RIGHT?

ME? COME ON, COLT. I'M JUST A

STUNTMAN-IN-TRAINING.
LET ME HANDLE IT THEN, HUH?

COLT, WHAT WOULD
YOU DO IF IT WERE ME...

THAT OH-SAN WERE
THREATENING TO SLICE AND DICE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HELP THEM SHARPEN THEIR
SWORDS? REMEMBER THAT.

COLT, WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT'S
HAPPENING? WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME?

- I AM CALLING. THIS IS ME.
- I KNOW IT'S YOU.

- WHERE ARE THE RIO BROTHERS?
- THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT,
ISN'T IT?

YOU DON'T CARE IF I'M
HURT, CRIPPLED OR WOUNDED.

- COLT, ARE YOU HURT?
- NO.

THEN WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?
YOU HAD ME SCARED TO DEATH.

REALLY?

- YOU MEN ARE SUCH BABIES.
- I LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.

THEN YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE REST OF
THIS CONVERSATION. GET TO THE POINT.

DO YOU HAVE THE RIO BROTHERS
IN CUSTODY OR NOT? YES.

TERRIFIC. OH, YOU'RE
SUCH A DOLL, COLT.

- BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM.
- I KNEW IT. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE OF THEM.

NO. I'VE GOT BOTH OF THEM. THEY'RE
STASHED AWAY AT DON HO'S NIGHTCLUB.

- THEY COULDN'T BE SAFER.
- TERRIFIC. THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- WELL, JODY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
- JODY? WHAT'S SHE DOING THERE?

A LONG STORY. THE
POINT IS, THE PEOPLE WHO

HAVE HER WANT ME TO
GIVE UP THE RIO BROTHERS.

COLT, HOW DO YOU GET
YOURSELF INTO MESSES LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT I
THINK I HAVE A WAY OUT.

I'M GONNA LET 'EM THINK THAT I'M
GONNA GIVE UP THE RIO BROTHERS,

THEN I'M GONNA PULL
THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH.

COLT, LOOK. IF IT GETS
RIGHT DOWN TO IT, LET 'EM GO.

I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT, BUT DON'T
WORRY. MY PLAN IS FOOLPROOF. TRUST ME.

[Ho] OH, NO!

MY COMPUTER...

AND MY STAGE CHAIRS.

THESE ARE MY BEST
STAGE CHAIRS TOO.

THEY LEFT US A NOTE, COLT. LISTEN TO THIS:
"OUR MAMAS DIDN'T RAISE NO BORN MORONS.

YOU AIN'T GIVIN' OUR HARD-EARNED
MONEY TO THEM LITTLE CROOKS."

I COULD SHOOT THOSE GUYS MYSELF.

NOW WE HAVEN'T GOT THE RIOS, AND WE HAVEN'T
GOT THE MONEY. SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, EVERY NOW AND
THEN YOU SET UP A STUNT.

AT THE LAST MINUTE THE DIRECTOR
WANTS SOMETHIN' COMPLETELY DIFFERENT,

SO YOU GOTTA THINK
FAST AND PRAY A LOT.

SO? SO, START PRAYIN'.

I SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS
POSSIBLE IN THIS GARDEN.

IT IS THE ONE PLACE IN MY
LIFE THAT I FIND TRUE PEACE.

WELL, I WISH I COULD
SHARE YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

PERSONALLY, I'D RATHER
BE HOME IN A HOT TUB.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME, JODY-SAN, BUT KEEPING
YOU PRISONER IS A NECESSARY EVIL I MUST DO.

MMM, DOMO.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

MY UNCLE WAS A MASTER
IN A TEA CEREMONY.

MY PRACTICE IS PRIMITIVE,
BUT THE TEA IS TASTY.

HOW COULD A MAN LIKE YOU
BE INVOLVED WITH GANGSTERS?

MY FATHER WAS YAKUZA. HIS
FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS YAKUZA.

I HAVE INHERITED THIS CURSE.

IN JAPANESE EYES, I COULD
NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT YAKUZA.

[Whispering In Japanese]

BRING THEM HERE.

YOUR FRIENDS HAVE COME.

JODY-SAN, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR
DETAINING YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL.

[Footsteps Approaching]

JODY, ARE YOU ALL
RIGHT? HAVE SOME TEA?

YOU ARE ALONE. THE RIOS WERE
STAYING AT A HOUSE OF A FRIEND OF MINE.

- THEY... THEY ESCAPED.
- I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

IF YOU LET JODY GO, THOUGH, I PROMISE TO
TRACK 'EM DOWN AND SEND YOU THE MONEY.

I BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT, SEAVERS-SAN.
BUT I'M AFRAID I MUST KEEP THE GIRL.

[Sighs] YOU'RE A MAN OF
HONOR, MR. OH-SAN. SO AM I.

IN THE EARLY DAYS, UH, IN MY COUNTRY,
MEN SETTLED ISSUES OF HONOR MAN-TO-MAN.

YOU ARE SPEAKING OF A DUEL.

WELL, YOUR MEN ALL CARRY SWORDS. I,
UH, ASSUME YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE.

I'M A MASTER AT KENDO.
I LEARNED THE USE OF

THE SWORD FROM THE
TIME I WAS ABLE TO WALK.

NO ONE IN JAPAN IS MY EQUAL.

WELL, I'VE USED ALL KINDS OF
WEAPONS IN MY WORK, BUT I...

I CAN'T SAY THAT I'M AN
EXPERT WITH A SWORD,

UH... MAYBE I COULD
CHOOSE MY OWN WEAPON.

SUCH AS THE ONE IN YOUR BELT.

OH, NO. THIS IS... THIS IS,
UH, LOADED WITH BLANKS.

IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS
WE CALL IT A PROP.

YOU HAVE COME HERE UNARMED
TO CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL.

NO, I BROUGHT THIS.

A GOOD STUNTMAN HAS TO RELY ON
HIS CONCENTRATION... AND HIS OWN WITS.

YOU ARE INDEED A MAN OF
COURAGE AND HONOR, SEAVERS-SAN.

WE WILL DUEL, BUT YOU
MUST USE A WEAPON.

[Japanese]

SEAVERS-SAN.

[Japanese]

[Japanese]

I WILL ONLY HOPE
THAT I DON'T KILL YOU,

SEAVERS-SAN. YEAH,
WELL, I-I APPRECIATE THAT.

UM, ONE MORE THING,
THOUGH. IF I WIN, I GET THE GIRL,

AND YOU FORGET ALL ABOUT
THE RIOS AND THE MONEY, RIGHT?

THAT WOULD GO VERY BADLY
FOR ME WITH MY SUPERIORS.

BUT YOU WILL NOT WIN.

[Martial Arts Yells]

AT A TIME LIKE THIS, I WISH I REALLY
DID HAVE SOME DEADLY MOVES.

SO DO I.

- YOU MUST COMPOSE YOURSELF,
SEAVERS-SAN.
- KID, THROW ME THE BELT!

NOT YOURS, JODY'S. FAST!

HEY!

YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON,
SEAVERS-SAN. [Shouts]

VERY RESOURCEFUL, SEAVERS-SAN.

- YOU'RE A PRETTY
SCARY ENEMY, OH-SAN.
- I WISH IT WERE NOT SO.

- BUT IT IS.
- [Shouts]

YOU'D MAKE A HELL OF
A STUNTMAN, OH-SAN.

[Sword Clatters]

KILL ME, SEAVERS-SAN. KILL ME.

I'D RATHER SAVE A
LIFE THAN WASTE ONE.

[Siren Approaching]

I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE OF
YOU NOW, STUNTMAN.

DO NOT BE CONCERNED
ABOUT MY PUNISHMENT.

- MY ORGANIZATION'S PUNISHMENT
WILL BE HARD.
- WELL, I HOPE NOT TOO HARD.

SEAVERS-SAN, HAVE YOU EVER
WORKED WITH JOHN WAYNE?

ANOTHER HONORABLE MAN, OH-SAN.

YOU WOULD'VE MADE
A GREAT YAKUZA.

- NO. YOU KEEP IT.
- [Pats Shoulder]

[Del] WE'VE GOT THE MONEY. LET'S
GET THE FIRST PLANE OUTTA HERE.

FIRST TIME I EVER FAILED TO GET
MY MAN. THAT REALLY BUGS ME.

COME ON! [Howie] WELL, AT
LEAST WE HAD A NICE VACATION.

I'M GLAD YOU DID. MAY AS
WELL FOR... TALK ABOUT UGLY!

[Bobby Laughing] COME ON!

THAT'S THE RIO BROTHERS!

OH, SHOO-OO-OOT!

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME. SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

RIOS! STOP! HEY, RIOS! HOLD IT!

STOP! OH, WE GIVE
UP! WE GIVE UP!

BOY, I OUGHTA CUT
YOUR... EARS OFF.

NOW WHERE'S THAT MONEY? I GOT
IT RIGHT HERE. I GOT IT ALL FOR YA.

- THAT'S IT.
- YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T
LOOK HALF BAD.

LOVE THE LITTLE DANCE
YOU WERE DOIN' BACK

THERE. I'D LIKE TO SEE
A LITTLE MORE OF THAT.

- HUH?
- COME ON. DANCE.

♪ ALOHA ♪

♪ ALOHA ♪
AW, SHOOT.

♪ ALOHA... ♪♪

[Man] FALL GUY IS A GLEN
LARSON PRODUCTION.