The Fall Guy (1981–1986): Season 1, Episode 5 - Colt's Angels - full transcript

♪ WELL, I'M NOT THE
KIND TO KISS AND TELL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN
SEEN WITH FARRAH ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH ANYTHING LESS ♪

♪ THAN A NINE SO FINE ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN ON FIRE
WITH SALLY FIELD ♪

♪ GONE FAST WITH
A GIRL NAMED BO ♪

♪ BUT SOMEHOW THEY
JUST DON'T END UP AS MINE ♪

♪ IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN'
LIFE I LEAD ♪

♪ I TAKE MY CHANCES ♪

♪ I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN
THE MOVIES AND TV ♪

[Siren Wailing]



♪ BUT THE HARDEST
THING I EVER DO ♪

♪ IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES ♪

♪ KISS SOME OTHER GUY
WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE ♪

♪ I MIGHT FALL FROM
A TALL BUILDIN' ♪

♪ I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MADE
REDFORD SUCH A STAR ♪

♪♪ [Women Vocalizing]

♪ I'VE NEVER SPENT
MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL ♪

♪ BUT I'VE TAUGHT
LADIES PLENTY ♪

♪ IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY
BODY OUT FOR PAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I'VE GOTTEN BURNED
OVER CHERYL TIEGS ♪

♪ BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH ♪



♪ BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN
THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ I MIGHT JUMP AN
OPEN DRAWBRIDGE ♪

♪ OR TARZAN FROM A VINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE
UNKNOWN STUNTMAN ♪

♪ THAT MAKES EASTWOOD
LOOK SO FINE ♪♪

[Colt Narrating] THIS IS THE STORY OF
ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT
YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.

YOU'VE CHEERED FOR
HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM,

WOMEN HAVE WANTED
TO DIE FOR HIM.

BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY
CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.

HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.

AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN'
SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS...

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S
ME, COLT SEAVERS.

ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T
WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.

SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A
GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.

WELL, ONE WAY IS TO
WAIT BY THE PHONE...

AND WAIT... AND WAIT.

THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL
JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM...

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED
INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES
A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE...

GET OUT OF JAIL ON
WHAT WE CALL BAIL.

AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. I SOMETIMES
PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM...

AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M DOIN' A PICTURE
THAT'S FULL OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES,

AND THAT CAN BE REAL DANGEROUS, SO
YOU HAVE TO REHEARSE IT VERY CAREFULLY.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOIN'
AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT.

REHEARSAL, EVERYBODY! REHEARSAL!

WE'LL DO A DRY
RUN AT SLOW SPEED.

[Director] OKAY, BANDITOS,
COME OUT SHOOTING!

[Director] OKAY, GO
WITH THE DYNAMITE!

THAT'S WHERE YOU'LL GET OFF, KID.
HE'LL THROW THE DYNAMITE AT THAT POINT.

SEE, THE CHARGES ARE
BURIED IN FRONT OF THE SALOON.

WHEN HE THROWS THE PHONY
DYNAMITE, I SET OFF A SIGNAL.

KABANG! YOU GOT IT.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
THAT'S A PERFECT DRY RUN, COLT.

- READY TO DO IT FOR KEEPS?
- READY AS I'LL EVER BE.

OKAY. [Colt] GIDDAP.

EVERYTHING ALL SET? YEP.

IT'S TIMED TO BLOW TWO
SECONDS AFTER YOU PASS.

SO THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU
ABOUT 10 FEET OF LEEWAY.

- BE CAREFUL, YOU GUYS.
- LET'S DO IT.

GIDDAP. LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, THIS IS
GONNA BE THE REAL THING NOW.

TOM, ARE YOU SURE THOSE
EXPLOSIVES ARE REALLY SAFE?

THOSE GUYS WILL COME OUT
WITHOUT EVEN A SCRATCH.

YOU SEE, IT'S JUST A
MATTER OF TIMING. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ROLL 'EM.

ACTION!

♪♪ [Rock Playing On Radio]

- WHERE IN THE HELL
DID HE COME FROM?
- [Jody] THE CHARGES!

HE DOESN'T KNOW
THEY'RE RADIO-CONTROLLED!

[Jody] OH, MY GOD!
COLT! [Screams]

[Horse Whinnying]

[Groans] [Man] SOMEBODY
GET THE HORSES, QUICK!

GET A DOCTOR!

COLT, I WONDER WHAT SET
THOSE CHARGES OFF EARLY.

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION...
A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

COLT, THAT WAS THE BEST
STUNT I EVER SEEN YOU DO.

THANKS.

JACK, YOU GOTTA SEE IT. THEY
GAVE US A WHOLE TOWN TO BLOW UP.

- COLT, IS HE SERIOUS?
- YEAH, BLANCA ROBLES.

IT'S A '40s BOOMTOWN. DIDN'T EVEN GO POP.
IT'S OUT IN THE DESERT NEAR THE GRAPEVINE.

SEE, THE STATE WAS
GONNA DEMOLISH IT ANYWAY,

SO THE STUDIO SAVES THE STATE THE WORK,
AND THE STATE SAVES THE STUDIO SOME MONEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAN'T GET A DEAL LIKE
THAT. IF I WAITED FOR THE STATE MARSHALS...

TO BRING BACK MY BAIL JUMPERS,
I'D BE OUTTA WORK IN SIX MONTHS.

PLUS, YOU'D HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT
ON THE GREATEST CHILI DOGS IN TOWN.

COLT, THEY'RE GOOD,
BUT I... I MEAN, I WOULDN'T

GO SO FAR AS TO SAY
THEY'RE THE GREATEST.

HEY, EVERYBODY COMES HERE.

- HI, COLT.
- SEE?

- YOU STILL RISKING YOUR LIFE?
- ONLY FOR YOU.

HEY, TONY, TWO CHILI HOT
DOGS TO GO. EASY ON THE CHILI.

[Big Jack] ANYWAY, COLT, YOU
GET THIS GUY BACK FOR ME,

AND THERE IS A 20%
REWARD IN IT FOR YOU.

THAT'S ABOUT, UH,
2,500 CHILI DOGS.

HIS NAME IS RANDY SOAMES.

TWO COUNTS OF DRUG TRAFFICKING,

FOUR COUNTS OF
ASSAULT AND ONE OF RAPE.

- SOUNDS LIKE A REAL NICE GUY.
- [Jody] LOOKS REAL FRIENDLY TOO.

WELL, UH, HIS LAWYER SAYS HE'S KIND OF AN
OUTGOING GUY WHO LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SHY
AWAY FROM PARTIES GIVEN BY LAWYERS.

ANYWAY, YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHERE
WE CAN FIND THIS MR., UH, SOAMES?

[Big Jack] HIS ADDRESS IS
RIGHT THERE IN THE FILE.

- HE'S IN MOJAVE.
- YOU MEAN HE'S JUST
SITTING THERE RIGHT AT HOME?

WELL, HE ANSWERED THE PHONE
LAST NIGHT WHEN I CALLED HIM THERE.

THANKS.

- BYE, COLT.
- YEAH, BYE-BYE. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.

I GOT SOME NEW
CLOTHES ON DYNASTY.

SURE LOOKING FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU IN THEM.

[Colt] I'M DOUBLING HER
IN DYNASTY NEXT MONTH.

HEY, HOWIE. HEY,
KID, YOU ALL RIGHT?

- HUH?
- [Laughing]

- [Car Engine Starts]
- NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE OFFERING $5,000
FOR A SIMPLE PICKUP?

$5,000 FOR BRINGING
RANDY SOAMES BACK IN.

YOU SURE THERE'S NOTHING THAT, UH,
YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US THAT WE SHOULD KNOW?

THE INFORMATION IS
ALL IN THE FILE, COLT.

WHAT MORE COULD THERE BE?

COME ON, COLT. HOW MUCH TROUBLE
CAN WE HAVE FINDING A FUGITIVE...

WHO'S SO DUMB THAT HE STAYS
HOME AND ANSWERS HIS OWN PHONE?

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

FINISH YOUR HOT DOG
AND GAS UP THE TRUCK.

♪♪ [Country On Radio]

♪ SOMETIMES THE
ROAD IS A LONG ONE ♪

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE
DIGGING UP RANDY SOAMES.

♪ SOMETIMES THE JOURNEY
PASSES QUICKLY BY ♪

THAT WAS IT.

♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]

THIS IS IT.

[Howie] WHAT'S THE POINT OF
THIS GAS COMPANY UNIFORM, COLT?

[Colt] WELL, SOMETIMES I USE
A PHONE COMPANY UNIFORM.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS
JUST TO LOCATE YOUR MAN.

SO YOU JUST MAKE SURE HE'S AT
HOME, AND I'LL COME IN AND COLLAR HIM.

[Howie] GUESS SOAMES ISN'T GONNA
BE AS EASY TO GET TO AS I THOUGHT.

COULD BE HE KNEW WHAT
HE WAS DOIN' STAYIN' HOME.

[Colt] THAT'S QUITE A SPREAD.

[Howie] YEAH, IF YOU LIKE
THAT UN-LIVED-IN LOOK.

♪♪ [Radio Switches Off]

NOW DO YOUR STUFF, KID.

AND DON'T TRY TO BE A HERO.

DON'T WORRY,
COLT. PIECE OF CAKE.

[Woman] WHO IS IT? GAS MAN.

YEAH? SOMEBODY REPORTED A LEAK?

I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'
ABOUT ANY LEAK.

MR., UH, SOAMES REPORTED A LEAK.

RANDY? YEAH.

IS MR. SOAMES HERE NOW? SHH!

RANDY GETS AWFUL
CRANKY IF YOU WAKE HIM.

ALL RIGHT. I DON'T
WANNA WAKE HIM.

WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

IT'S A GAS MAN, RANDY. HE... HE'S
JUST HERE TO CHECK ON THAT LEAK.

LEAK? WHAT LEAK?

THE GAS WAS SHUT OFF
A MONTH AGO, MADDY.

THERE'S NO GAS TO LEAK.

[All Whooping]

UH-OH.

[Whooping Continues]

[Laughing] WHOA!

HE DOES GET CRANKY!

RANDY! WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

WHO'S THIS, THE NEW MAID?

I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO FIND THAT OUT.

- HEY, YOU DO WINDOWS?
- [All Shouting]

[Shouting Continues]

I JUST WANTED TO FIND
OUT IF RANDY WAS HERE.

[Shouting Continues]

WHY DO YOU CARE IF I'M HERE?

[Man] YEAH, WHAT
DO YOU WANT? HMM?

- YOU MISSED YOUR COURT DATE.
- THEY SENT YOU
TO BRING HIM BACK?

I GOT A JOB. IT'S
ONLY PART-TIME.

YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHIN'
TO TAKE BACK WITH YOU.

YEAH, SHOW HIM,
RANDY. DO IT, RANDY.

POLICE! COME OUT
WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

- I DON'T SEE ANY COPS!
- GO!

- [All Shouting]
- [Gunshot]

[Gunshots]

[Yelps]

[All Shouting]

LET'S GO GET 'EM!
WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

WITH WHAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY
DECIDED NOT TO FOLLOW.

OH, THANK YOU, BLANK
GUN. IT'S A GOOD MOVE, COLT.

I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
IN ALL THOSE MOVIES...

WITHOUT LEARNING SOMETHING
ABOUT CREATING A DIVERSION.

YOU SUPPOSE BIG JACK KNEW THAT
SOAMES WAS THE LEADER OF A BIKER GANG?

DOES THIS TRUCK NEED
NEW SHOCKS? SHE KNEW.

SHE ALSO KNEW THAT WITH
A BIG STUNT JOB COMIN' UP,

WE MIGHT NOT TAKE
A DANGEROUS CASE.

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? TELL
HER TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE I HOPE.

NO, WE TOOK THE JOB, KID.
WE FINISH WHAT WE STARTED.

PROVIDED I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW.

NARCOTICS, GUN
RUNNING, EXTORTION...

THAT'S JUST A PART
OF WHAT THESE OUTLAW

MOTORCYCLE GANGS ARE
INVOLVED IN, MR. SEAVERS.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I FIGURED IF ANYBODY'D
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM, IT'D BE THE F.B.I.

I'LL BE GLAD TO HELP
HOWEVER I CAN. HAVE A SEAT.

I'M JUST SORRY I CAN'T GIVE YOU
MORE TO WORK ON, MR. GRAHAM.

ALL I HAVE IS A
NAME. RANDY SOAMES.

THAT'S A NAME WE'RE
WELL AWARE OF.

AS I RECALL, THE ORGANIZATION
OF THIS GANG IS FAIRLY LOOSE.

THE TROUBLE IS THEIR
FRIENDSHIP SEEMS PRETTY TIGHT.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. THOSE
GANG MEMBERS STICK TOGETHER.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HELL
OF A TIME GETTING YOUR MAN.

SOUNDS LIKE THE ONLY WAY TO
DO IT IS CUT HIM OUT OF THE HERD.

[Chuckles] YOU KNOW, MR. SEAVERS,
YOU WON'T BE THE FIRST TO TRY.

YOU KNOW, IF I COULD LOOK AT
WHAT THE OTHERS HAD TO SAY...

I'M AFRAID NOT. THIS INFORMATION'S
STRICTLY FOR BUREAU USE.

UH, MR. GRAHAM, EXCUSE ME, BUT
DIDN'T I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU'D HELP?

AND WE WILL.

WE'LL DO WHAT WE NEED TO,
MR. SEAVERS, WHEN WE NEED TO.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S UNCLEAR IS WHY
YOU'RE LETTIN' SOAMES RUN FREE.

LOOK, I DON'T WANNA
STEP ON ANY F.B.I. TOES,

BUT I'M TRYIN' TO
BRING BACK A FUGITIVE.

AS LONG AS YOU DO
INDEED WATCH YOUR STEP.

[Motorcycle Revving]

COLT.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM. COLT!

WHERE ARE YOU, COLT?

COLT!

COLT, THEY'RE AFTER US! COLT!

WHERE ARE YOU, COLT?

HOWIE, IT IS COLT.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- HEY, PUNK,
SAY HELLO TO MY MAMA.

OH, I GET IT.

THIS IS THE PLAN. WE'RE
GONNA BECOME BIKERS.

NO, NOT WE. WE.

THEY'VE SEEN YOU. YOU STAY HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED MY
HELP. YOU'LL NEED ME. I'LL GET A DISGUISE.

WE'LL FOOL 'EM TOGETHER,
THE THREE OF US. KID.

WAIT A MINUTE. I'M YOUR MANAGER,
AND I SHOULD DO THE BRAIN WORK.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT
STUNTMAN, BUT, COLT, I... JODY.

♪♪ [Rock] THAT'S IT, KID.

YOU'RE GETTIN' THE
HANG OF IT. WHAT?

I SAID, YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.

HOWIE, IS THAT BEARD
GONNA BLOW OFF?

DON'T WORRY, JODY, I HAD THE MAKEUP
DEPARTMENT TACK IT ON REAL GOOD.

YEAH, WELL, JUST BE CAREFUL.
THIS IS SOAMES'S TURF.

HIS BIKERS CAN
SHOW UP AT ANY TIME.

♪♪ [Continues]

[Man] ALL RIGHT!
[Bikers Shouting, Laughing]

♪♪ [Rock On Radio]
[All Shouting, Laughing]

STICK IT RIGHT IN THERE!
COME ON! HEY, MAN, I'M TRYIN'. I...

I JUST GOT TOO DAMN
MANY DISTRACTIONS.

HEY, LIGHTEN UP!

ALL RIGHT. HOLD THAT OLD BUZZARD
STILL FOR A MINUTE. ALL RIGHT!

- [Randy] ALL RIGHT!
- [Laughing]

[All Laughing, Cheering]

LOOKS LIKE THE GANG'S ALL HERE.

THAT'S THEM, ALL RIGHT. I'D RECOGNIZE
THOSE FRIENDLY VOICES ANYWHERE.

COLT, HOW ABOUT THESE BIKES?

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY'RE
RIDIN' DIRT BIKES INSTEAD OF HOGS?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S BEEN BOTHERIN' ME
EVER SINCE I DUMPED 'EM IN THE CREEK.

THEY PROBABLY USE 'EM
TO RUN NARCOTICS ACROSS

THE BACK ROADS, AVOIDIN'
THE MAIN HIGHWAYS.

YEAH, THESE HOGS ARE OKAY ON
ASPHALT BUT STRICTLY TABOO ON DIRT.

HEY, HOW CAN YOU RUN
A BUSINESS LIKE THIS?

WHAT KIND OF MONEY
IS THIS ANYWAY, HUH?

YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE!
WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

- [Shouts]
- [All Laughing]

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, JODY?
- I, UH, THINK I'M SCARED.

SOAMES AND HIS FRIENDS
ARE PRETTY TOUGH, JODY,

BUT YOU KNOW TRICKS
THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.

JUST REMEMBER, BOTH
OF YOU, THINK MEAN.

[Growling]

[Snarling] YEAH.

NOT THAT MEAN.

[Shouts] [Laughing]

- CAN'T YOU MAKE HIM STOP? HE'S YOUR MAN.
- HE DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS.

- [Laughing]
- [Muttering]

[Man] HEY, NOW! THIS MEAN WE'LL HAVE
TROUBLE GETTIN' A BEER IN THIS PLACE?

WHAT? MORE OF YOU?

LOOKEE HERE. A PARTY,
AND NOBODY INVITED US.

HEY, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.

IF THAT'S ALL YOU GOT BACKIN' YOU
UP, MAN, YOU BEST GET ON OUTTA HERE.

WELL, NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

WE NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY ELSE
TO HELP US BEFORE, DID WE, MAD DOG?

CAME ALL THE WAY FROM
TAOS LOOKIN' FOR TROUBLE, MAN.

SURE WOULDN'T MIND IF
THESE SQUIRRELS OBLIGED.

GET US A BEER, DOG.

MADE FOR THROWIN', HUH?

- GOOD BALANCE.
- [Chuckles]

EASY, WADE. I'LL
TAKE CARE OF IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, MAN.

YOU'RE EITHER REAL
BRAVE... OR STUPID, PALLY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE
REAL TOUGH, DON'T YOU?

WELL, LET'S PUT
IT THIS WAY, PALLY.

I'D LIKE NOTHIN' BETTER THAN TO
GO UP AGAINST YOUR BADDEST...

ON A BIKE.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT HIM.

WELL, GET DOWN.

[Bikers Shouting, Whooping]

[Man] YOU OWN THIS GUY, RANDY!

YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, PALLY?

WELL, I'LL NEED A DIRT BIKE.
HELP YOURSELF, MY MAN.

COLT, IF THERE'S ONE
THING THAT I LEARNED...

DURING MY YEAR AT THE
PSYCHOANALYTIC INSTITUTE,

IT'S THAT IF RANDY WINS,
HE'LL NEVER RESPECT YOU.

AND IF COLT WINS? WELL,
RANDY'LL HATE HIM. UNLESS...

YEAH? UNLESS YOU CAN WIN BIG.

I MEAN, REALLY BIG.

THEN RANDY MIGHT BE SO IMPRESSED
THAT HE'LL FORGET TO BE MAD.

YOU KNOW, KID,

WITH SUCH WISDOM AND
ENCOURAGEMENT, HOW COULD I GO WRONG?

YEAH.

WHOO! WHOO-HOO!

[All Cheering]

OKAY, BOYS, LET'S PLAY
FOLLOW-THE-LEADER.

[Randy] ANYTHING
YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO!

AAAH!

HEY!

[Randy] SO, WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM CROSSIN' THE BRIDGE?

[Colt] ON THE GUARDRAIL?
[Man] YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN'!

[Colt] TRY AND FOLLOW ME.

[Colt] ANYTIME
YOU'RE READY, PALLY.

YEAH!

[Randy] YOU WERE SAYING?
[Colt] HEY, IT AIN'T OVER YET.

WHAT'S NEXT, MAN?

NOW WE'RE GONNA GO
OVER THE NEXT BRIDGE.

[Randy] BRIDGE? I
DON'T SEE NO BRIDGE.

[Colt] WE'RE GONNA
MAKE AN AIR BRIDGE.

WHOA! OH!

OH!

[Colt] I BELIEVE THE
CONTEST IS OVER,

UNLESS YOU GOT
ANOTHER BIKE WITH YA.

WHOO! YEAH!

HOW'D IT GO, COLT?
I DON'T KNOW YET.

WHAT THE HELL
YOU ALL LOOKIN' AT?

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A REAL
HEAVYWEIGHT AFTER ALL, HUH, MAN?

OR REAL STUPID.

WELL, YOU SAID IT, HUH?
LET'S GO GET DRUNK, MAN.

YOU GOT IT. ALL RIGHT!

[All Shouting, Laughing]

♪♪ [Rock On Radio]

[Chattering]

[Man] HEY, THIS IS
FINE. GOOD, HUH?

[Chattering Continues]

[Grunting] [Howie] THEN
AFTER WE KNOCKED OVER...

THAT LIQUOR STORE
IN BATON ROGUE, MAN,

WE MOVED ON TO TULSA AND
WENT ON A THREE-DAY BINGE.

[Man] GOT ANY MORE
BREW, MAN? [Man #2] YEAH.

MAN, WE REALLY HAD THE COPS
IN TULSA BUFFALOED. [Laughs]

IT WAS LIKE THE TWO
OF US OWNED THE TOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN, MAN? [Chuckles]

THEN THERE WAS THAT TIME DOWN
IN PHOENIX... [Randy] TWO OF YA?

YOU MEAN THE LITTLE GIRL HASN'T
BEEN RIDIN' WITH YOU THAT LONG?

OH, JODY? HUH.

JODY, WHERE WAS IT WE
FOUND YOU ANYWAY, HUH?

BAKERSFIELD. YEAH,
SOUTH OF BAKERSFIELD.

YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

[Chuckles] GUYS LIKE TAOS
AND I DON'T REMEMBER NOTHIN'.

YOU TRYIN' TO SAY YOU DON'T
REMEMBER WHERE YOU FOUND ME?

IS THERE A REASON I SHOULD?

THINKING'S ONE THING
YOU'VE NEVER DONE WELL.

TAOS,

IF YOU EVER GET TIRED
OF THIS LITTLE GIRL,

GIVE ME A JINGLE. [Laughs]

[Wade] RANDY!

DON'T YOU TWO GUYS GOT
SOMEPLACE YOU GOTTA GO?

HEY, COME ON. WE'RE
JUST GETTIN' TIGHT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

MAD DOG AND I... WE NEVER LIKE
TO STAY IN ONE SPOT TOO LONG.

UH, ALL THEM PEOPLE AFTER US...

AW, SHOOT. WHAT'RE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? YOU'RE RIDIN' WITH RANDY SOAMES!

- NOBODY'S GONNA
TOUCH YOU WITH ME!
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

AW, STICK AROUND. WE HAVEN'T HAD A
CHANCE TO SHARE A GOOD FIGHT YET, HUH?

AW, RANDY, WE CAN'T HAVE
OUTSIDERS HANGIN' AROUND, YOU KNOW?

YOU FORGET WE GOT SOME
BUSINESS TO DO TOMORROW?

WE'LL TAKE TAOS WITH US. HE'D BE A
GOOD MAN TO HAVE IN A SPOT, HUH?

COME HERE, BABY.

NOW YOU JUST MAKE
YOURSELF AT HOME.

BE MY GUEST. WHAT
DO YOU SAY, DOG?

IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME, TAOS.

THE PLACE LOOKS,
UH, NICE AND CLEAN.

RANDY, YOU'RE A
REAL SMOOTH TALKER.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

[Laughs]

[Shudders] HOW CAN ANY WOMAN
STAY WITH A MAN LIKE THAT?

WELL, AT LEAST SHE CAN GET HIM
ALONE. WHICH IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

OH, LORD, NOT AGAIN! OH!

[Chuckles] LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT HER TRAINED.

YEAH, SHE DON'T
LIKE TO PARTY, MAN.

WHAT KINDA BUSINESS
WE DOIN' HERE, RANDY?

WELL, YOU SEE, THIS IS A
VERY DELICATE TRANSACTION.

ALWAYS IS WHEN YOU'RE
DEALIN' WITH COCAINE.

- WE BUYIN' OR SELLIN', MAN?
- WELL,

FIRST WE'RE GONNA SELL IT, AND
THEN WE'RE GONNA STEAL IT BACK.

[Laughs] THEN WE'RE
GONNA WASTE 'EM.

[Chuckles] I LOVE THE WAY
YOU DO BUSINESS, MAN.

OH, YEAH. UH-HUH.

COLT, HEY, WE CAN'T GET INVOLVED IN A
DRUG DEAL, LET ALONE A DOUBLE-CROSS.

NO KIDDING. NOT TO MENTION IF ONE
OF THESE LUNATICS KILLS SOMEBODY.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY US.

MAYBE WE CAN MAKE 'EM THINK
IT'S A BUST AND SCARE 'EM OFF.

WELL, HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. JUST
FOLLOW MY LEAD.

- HERE THEY COME.
- OKAY, BE COOL.

DON'T DO ANYTHING
TILL YOU SEE THE MONEY.

- YOU KEPT US WAITING.
- LET'S SEE THE MERCHANDISE.

AH, NOW THIS IS THE HIGHEST
GRADE NOSE CANDY A DEALER CAN BUY.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'LL SEE THE
COKE WHEN WE SEE THE 25 GRAND.

- SURE. NO PROBLEM.
- LOOK OUT, RANDY! HE'S GOT
A GUN! THEY'RE FEDERAL AGENTS!

GEEZ, HE DOES HAVE
A GUN. WE'RE THE F.B.I.!

DON'T SHOOT, RANDY. YOU'LL HAVE THE
FEDS ON YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[Bikers Cheering] [Randy]
WELL, ALL RIGHT! YEAH!

TO A FLAMING DEATH!
HELL ON WHEELS!

[All Cheering] WHOO!

PRETTY GIRL!

AND TO OUR NEW FRIEND, TAOS.

NOT JUST FOR SAVIN' MY
SKIN, BUT THE COKE, MAN!

[All Cheering] [Randy Laughing]

YOU MADE ME PROUD, TAOS.

- FROM NOW ON,
YOU'RE MY BROTHER.
- [All Cheering]

YOU RIDE WITH
RANDY SOAMES, BABY.

HUH? ALL RIGHT!

HOLD IT, RANDY.

I DON'T LIKE IT. WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, MAN?

THIS DUDE COMES IN HERE OUT OF
NOWHERE, AND YOU JUST TAKE HIM IN, HUH?

THAT COKE DEAL WENT DOWN
BAD TODAY, MAN. REAL BAD!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK? I THINK WE WERE SET UP.

SET UP? NOW WHO
WOULD SET US UP, HUH?

ONE OF US.

- ONE OF US.
- WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU THINK TAOS SET YOU UP,
AFTER WHAT HE DID FOR YOU, MAN?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, BROTHER.

AFTER WHAT YOU DID TODAY, YOU'RE ABOUT
THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST AROUND HERE.

IT'S THE REST OF YOU
LUNATICS I GOTTA WATCH.

HUH, BABY? I'LL TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

COME HERE, SUGAR.
LATER ON, BROTHER.

[Chuckles]

RANDY, YOU DON'T REALLY THINK
ANYBODY IN THE GANG WOULD TURN, DO YA?

WADE'S PRETTY HIP, BUT
SOMETHING'S GOIN' DOWN.

AW, COLT, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THIS.

IT'S GONNA BE HARDER THAN
EVER TO GET RANDY ALONE NOW.

WHY DON'T WE JUST GRAB HIM
TONIGHT AND GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE?

YEAH, KID, GO AHEAD AND TRY.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE
TWO OF YOU, BUT I DON'T

LOOK FORWARD TO TAKIN'
THIS WHOLE GANG ON.

BUT IF RANDY'LL TRUST
ME, MAYBE I WON'T HAVE TO.

THAT WAS TAKEN WITH A
TELEPHOTO LENS OUT IN MOJAVE...

JUST BEFORE HE BROKE UP AN
OPERATION IT TOOK US MONTHS TO SET UP.

AND YOU THINK COLT SEAVERS
DELIBERATELY FOULED UP YOUR OPERATION.

NO, NO, NO. WE'RE NOT ACCUSING
ANYBODY OF ANYTHING, MS. JACK.

BUT THE FACT REMAINS
SEAVERS DID COME INTO THE

BUREAU ASKING SOME
VERY SUSPICIOUS QUESTIONS.

AND NOW HE'S RUNNING
WITH THE SOAMES GANG.

YOU LISTEN TO ME. COLT'S
NOT RUNNING WITH ANYONE.

HE'S WORKING FOR ME, TRYING TO
BRING RANDY SOAMES TO JUSTICE.

WHICH, I MIGHT ADD,

IS SOMETHING MORE THAN YOU
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO.

MS. JACK, WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO
BRING TO JUSTICE IS THE WHOLE GANG.

WE WERE GATHERING EVIDENCE TO
DO IT WHEN YOUR FRIEND INTERFERED.

WE HAD NO IDEA SEAVERS
COULD PENETRATE THE GANG.

AND THE NEXT TIME WE RUN
INTO MR. SEAVERS ON THIS CASE,

WE WON'T LET HIM GET IN OUR WAY.

GENTLEMEN, I KNOW
YOUR OPERATIONS.

YOU CAN WORK THREE YEARS ON A CASE,
AND THEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS.

BELIEVE ME, MS. JACK,
THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE...

NOT WITH THE INFORMANT
WE'VE GOT IN THE GANG.

AN INFORMANT WHOSE VERY LIFE
MIGHT BE IN DANGER RIGHT NOW...

AND NOTHING AT ALL
WE CAN DO TO HELP.

WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE,
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

YES, THAT WOULD APPEAR TO
HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE ON OUR PART.

I ASSURE YOU, IF COLT SEAVERS KNEW
YOU ALREADY HAD SOMEBODY THERE,

HE'D NEVER ENDANGER HIM.

IF YOU SHOULD HEAR
FROM MR. SEAVERS...

I'LL CONVEY YOUR MESSAGE.
YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.

THANK YOU.

♪♪ [Rock, Indistinct]

♪ THIS TIME I GOT IT RIGHT ♪

- YOU SURE
ABOUT THIS DEAL, TAOS?
- HEY, MAN, LOOK.

MAD DOG AND I... WE... WE KNOW SOME
REAL HEAVY GUYS, MAN. RIGHT, MAD DOG?

RIGHT. REAL HEAVY, MAN.

NOW, YOU SEE, THAT F.B.I.
CAPER... THAT COST YOU... US...

A BUNCH OF HEAVY CHANGE.

ANYWAY, THE PEOPLE WE
KNOW WILL PAY EVEN MORE.

WE COULD WIND UP WITH ENOUGH TO PARTY
WITH LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER PARTIED BEFORE.

[Chuckling] AH, PARTY.

MUSIC TO MY EARS.

- GO MAKE YOUR CALL, BABE.
- WISE MAN, RANDY.

YEAH.

[Phone Dings]

OKAY, YOU RUFFIAN,
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,

OR I'LL BLAST YOUR
TAIL FEATHERS OFF.

HI THERE. YOU GOT A LOT OF
NERVE COMIN' BACK HERE ALONE.

LOOK, MA'AM, I DON'T HAVE MUCH
TIME. I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET THE POLICE.

POLICE? HA! THEY'RE NEVER
AROUND WHEN YOU WANT 'EM.

AND I DON'T NEED NO POLICE.

- PREY ON A HELPLESS OLD WOMAN,
WOULD YA?
- WAIT, PLEASE, MA'AM.

I'M NOT GONNA PREY ON ANYBODY.
THERE'S A DANGEROUS FUGITIVE OUTSIDE,

AND I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET THE POLICE,
SO THEY CAN COME AND ARREST HIM.

I PAID $65 FOR OLD BESSIE HERE,

AND I'M GONNA SEE THAT
I GET MY MONEY'S WORTH.

- EASY, MA'AM. THAT-THAT-THAT
THING MIGHT JUST GO OFF.
- DON'T YOU CALL ME MA'AM.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY
EVER BELIEVE ME?

THAT WOMAN'S GOT A
GUN! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

[Motorcycles Revving]

[Man] HEY, RANDY, I GOT A
FANNY FULL OF BUCKSHOT!

WHO CARES, MAN?
DO WE HAVE A BUYER?

YEAH, I MADE THE PHONE
CALL. EVERYTHING'S SET UP.

WELL, ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO
PARTY A LITTLE BIT, Y'ALL!

WHOO! COME ON, TAOS!

EVERYBODY, GRAB A
BOTTLE. YEAH, ALL RIGHT!

TAOS! COME ON! LET'S GET DOWN!

YEAH, RANDY, RIGHT
THERE. ALL RIGHT.

[Bikers Whooping, Chattering]

YOU KNOW, I'M STARTIN' TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE BIKERS SEE IN ALL THIS...

CLEAN AIR, THE
WIND IN YOUR HAIR.

POLICE AFTER YOU, HAVIN'
TO FIGHT ALL THE TIME.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THERE
ARE SOME PRETTY BIG DRAWBACKS.

TOO BAD WE CAN'T CONVINCE
RANDY TO QUIT AS EASY AS THAT.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S CONVINCING.

JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO TASTE SOMETHING
WITHOUT GETTING A MOUTHFUL OF HAIR.

TAOS? RANDY WANTED TO
KNOW IF YOU WANTED... SOMETHIN'.

YOU. I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW YOUR FACE. EASY,
NOW, MADDY. WE CAN EXPLAIN.

YOU CAME AFTER
RANDY. YOU'RE THE ONE.

WAIT A MINUTE! BEFORE YOU DO
ANYTHING, AT LEAST HEAR US OUT.

ALL I GOTTA DO IS YELL AND YOU'VE
HAD IT, MR. WHOEVER-YOU-REALLY-ARE.

WE'RE BOUNTY HUNTERS, I ADMIT IT. AND
WE'RE AFTER RANDY. YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

LOOK, HE'S CHARGED WITH SOME PRETTY SERIOUS
CRIMES... RAPE, ASSAULT, DRUG-DEALING.

OUR JOB IS TO SEE THAT
HE STANDS TRIAL. THAT'S ALL.

NOW, IF HE'S NOT GUILTY...
OH, HE'S GUILTY, ALL RIGHT.

HE ALWAYS IS. HE'S GUILTY OF THINGS
HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN ARRESTED FOR YET.

- AND YOU LET HIM
GET AWAY WITH IT?
- WHO SAYS I AM?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOTHING MATTERS, EXCEPT
RANDY'S MINE. DON'T YOU GET IT?

HE'S ALL I GOT. AND YOU'RE CRAZY
IF YOU THINK I'D EVER HELP YOU!

OH, MADDY. I'VE SEEN
HOW HE TREATS YOU.

- YOU CALL THAT LOVE?
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP US.

JUST LET US DO OUR JOB. MADDY, THERE'S
MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST BEING SOMETHING...

THAT RANDY THINKS HE OWNS.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW?

BOO! [Laughs] WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'? THE PARTY'S IN HERE, MADDY.

WHAT'S ALL THE TALKIN' GOIN'
ON OUT HERE? HEY, COME HERE!

MATTER OF FACT, MADDY WAS JUST
HELPIN' US FIGURE SOMETHIN' OUT.

HUH! I'VE SET UP THE BUY
IN AN OLD ABANDONED TOWN.

ONCE WE GET THERE, AIN'T
NOBODY GONNA SEE US.

[Chuckles] YOU'RE
SOMETHIN' ELSE, MAN.

YOU ARE A REAL BROTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HMM? YEAH,
RANDY, I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE BEAUTY. MMM.

[Chuckles] COME ON! WE
GONNA PARTY! LET'S GO!

SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
DO YOU THINK SHE BOUGHT IT?

- I WOULDN'T HAVE.
- SHE BOUGHT IT.

[Motorcycles Revving]

♪ SCOOBY-DOOBY-DO-BOP
A-WHOOP-BAM-BOOM ♪

WELL, LET'S HIT IT!

I HOPE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.

JODY, DID YOU EVER SEE ME GO ONTO A
SET WITHOUT HAVING MY STUNTS PREPARED?

[Jody] COLT, ISN'T THIS THE TOWN THAT
THE MOVIE COMPANY'S GONNA BLOW UP?

[Colt] YEP, AND IF THAT DOESN'T
SPLIT THE GANG UP, NOTHIN' WILL.

♪♪ [Rock On Radio]

LAST TIME I SAW 'EM,

MY FRIENDS WERE HOLED UP
AROUND THE CORNER THERE.

PRETTY SMART BUNCH,
TAKIN' OVER THEIR OWN TOWN.

[All Chattering]

♪♪ [Rock Continues]

HEY, WADE! HEY,
MAN, DO ME A FAVOR.

CHANGE THAT STATION. IF I
HEAR THAT TUNE ONE MORE TIME...

GO AHEAD.

[Channels Changing]

[Man On Radio] ♪
DON'T CALL ME LUCKY ♪

HEY, WADE. COME ON, MAN. CAN'T YOU
GET SOMETHIN' ELSE ON THAT THING?

[Howie] SWITCH OVER TO F.M.

- I LIKE STEREO WHEN I RIDE.
- ♪ ONLY A FOOL
WOULD MAKE THAT MISTAKE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

IT'S THE FEDS! THEY'RE
AFTER US! LET'S GO!

RANDY, IT CAN'T BE THE
F.B.I.! IT'S A TRICK! RANDY!

EVERYBODY SCATTER!

WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? WE HAVE
TO STAY HERE AND HELP COLT.

WE'VE GOTTA GET THE DETONATORS. THAT'S
THE ONLY WAY TO CONTROL THE EXPLOSIONS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN'
ON. WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, LOUIE.
IT'S ME, HOWIE. SEE? LOOK.

SEE? HOWIE.

HERE ARE THE DETONATORS.

WE JUST TRANSFERRED
TO SPECIAL EFFECTS.

COME ON, JODY. LET'S
GET UP ON THE BALCONY.

THEY GOT US SURROUNDED!

JUST KEEP 'EM TURNING AROUND.
DON'T LET ANYONE OUT OF TOWN.

YEAH!

[Howie] THERE'S ONE GOING
OUT THROUGH THE BARN! GET HIM!

[Jody] GET READY,
HOWIE! HERE COMES COLT!

GET ON, RANDY.

I CAN'T LET YOU HURT HIM!

I'LL HANDLE IT, HOWIE.

YOU DON'T GET IT!

I MADE A DEAL WITH THE F.B.I.!

WHAT?

THE GANG... IT USED
TO BE JUST FUN, KICKS.

THEN WE GOT GUNS, AND
I WAS AFRAID FOR RANDY.

I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GONNA KILL
SOMEBODY AND I'D LOSE HIM FOREVER.

SO YOU SET HIM UP? YOU
MADE A DEAL WITH THE F.B.I.?

I FIGURED IT'D BE SAFER FOR
ALL OF US. WE'D BE SAFER IN JAIL.

AND AFTER WE GOT OUT, MAYBE
RANDY AND I COULD, LIKE, START AGAIN.

[Maddy Crying]

HEY, LOOK. I'M SORRY, MADDY.

WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO RUIN
YOUR DREAM. COLT WON'T HURT RANDY.

[Groans]

JUST LIKE I SAID, MAN.
YEAH, YOU ARE THE BEST.

THAT MAY BE, RANDY,

BUT THAT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I'M
REALLY A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN...

AND A BOUNTY HUNTER
JUST CLOSIN' A CASE.

[Sirens Wailing]

♪♪ [Humming] [Howie] COME ON,
JODY. THE SHOW'S ON RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE GONNA MISS COLT'S STUNT.

WHAT? WHAT'RE YOU ALL
DOIN' IN MY BATHROOM?

COLT, THIS IS OUTSIDE.

WHEN I'M TAKIN' A BATH,
THIS IS MY BATHROOM.

- YOU'RE ALSO EATING. IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN?
- AND WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS. THE
F.B.I. WAS SO IMPRESSED...

THAT THEY WANT YOU TO SHOW THEM HOW TO SET
UP THEIR OWN BIKER GANG TO GO UNDERCOVER.

- WELL, TELL 'EM TO FORGET IT.
- FORGET IT?

[Howie] THINK ABOUT IT, COLT...

A TEAM OF HOLLYWOOD STUNTMEN
WORKING UNDERCOVER WITH THE F.B.I.

WHAT IS THAT? A POLICE
JOB OR A TV SERIES?

DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU DON'T WANT THIS
RETAINER CHECK THAT AGENT GRAHAM LEFT?

HE WANTS IT. HE WANTS IT.

HEY, THIS ISN'T EVEN
SCALE FOR A CAR CRASH.

YOU COULD MAKE MORE
MONEY FALLIN' OFF A HORSE.

YEAH, AND OUR BULLETS AREN'T
REAL. UH-UH. GIVE IT BACK TO THE F.B.I.

TELL 'EM TO... WELL, TELL
'EM TO PUT IT ON DEPOSIT.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN
THINGS MIGHT SLOW DOWN.

THIS IS IT!

I DON'T SEE WHAT'S
SUCH A BIG DEAL.

[Big Jack] IT'S AMAZING HOW
WELL JIMMY BROLIN MOVES.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD
DO STUNTS THAT WELL.

HE MUST BE IN GREAT SHAPE.

HEY, NO! THAT-THAT-THAT'S ME!
ME! RIGHT THERE! THAT'S ME! ME!

OH, COME ON, COLT. THAT
DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY
DON'T SHOW MY FACE.

NOPE. THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT YOUR FACE.

[Big Jack] HE'S
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

I'D SWEAR THAT WAS
JIMMY BROLIN AND NOT YOU.

BIG JACK, THAT'S WHAT THEY
PAY ME FOR... NOT TO BE ME.

IT'S THE FATE OF THE STUNTMAN...
ALL THE GUTS AND NONE OF THE GLORY.

- [Laughing]
- WELL, THAT HAS
ITS ADVANTAGES, KID.

- IT DOES?
- SURE.

I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE TO PUT
UP WITH ALL THOSE INTERVIEWS...

AND THE FAME AND THE FANS
AND THE MONEY AND THE GLAMOUR.

I MEAN, THOSE PEOPLE... THEY'RE...
THEY'RE NOT REAL HAPPY PEOPLE.

YOU WOULDN'T TRADE?

WHAT, AND GIVE UP ALL THIS?

[Man] FALL GUY IS A GLEN
LARSON PRODUCTION.