The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 6, Episode 2 - A Slice of Life - full transcript
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
HEY, TOOTIE, HERE IT IS.
INDIANA JONES,
IT STARTS AT 8:00...
THE TENDER STORY
OF A MAN AND HIS WHIP.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL I GET A
PIECE OF JO'S PIZZA.
MMM, YEAH.
IT SMELLS FANTASTIC.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE HAVING
TROUBLE CONCENTRATING?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS ME.
HI, KIDS.
OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY
SOME FRIENDS FROM LANGLEY...
SALLY, RONALD, AND HACK.
HI, SALLY, RONALD, AND... HI.
HACK.
YEAH, IT'S SHORT FOR "HACKSAW."
YOU KNOW, IN FOOTBALL, I...
CUT THEM OFF AT THE KNEES.
HOW NICE.
DO YOU BOYS LIVE IN THE DORMS?
HARDLY. WE'RE GREEKS.
DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL
HOUSING FOR GREEKS?
MRS. GARRETT, GREEKS
ARE FRATERNITY GUYS.
I KNOW THAT.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
WHAT'S THAT WONDERFUL SMELL?
OH. THAT MUST BE MY PERFUME.
NO. IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.
JO'S MAKING PIZZA!
AND IT'S ALMOST READY.
OH!
WHO CARES?
I'M NOT EVEN TEMPTED.
I JUST GOT BACK
FROM MY DIET CLUB,
MY BLOOD PRESSURE'S
DOWN, MY DRESS SIZE IS DOWN,
AND I MET THIS HYPOGLYCEMIC HUNK
WHO CALLS ME SWEET 'N LOW.
ALL RIGHT. HERE IT IS.
THE ROSE POLNIACZEK SPECIAL,
MERELY THE BEST PIZZA
IN THE CIVILIZED WORLD.
ALL RIGHT!
DO YOU WANT A
SLICE HERE, MRS. G?
YES... NO!
YES!
OHHH!
I'M LOSING CONTROL.
COME WITH US,
WE'RE SEEING INDIANA JONES
AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
OH, GOOD. THAT'LL
KILL MY APPETITE.
ALL RIGHT, COME AND GET IT.
IT'S HOT, CAREFUL.
MMM!
SUPERIOR PIZZA.
JO, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO COOK?
I DON'T COOK.
I JUST MAKE MY MOM'S PIZZA.
IT'S YUMS.
YOU BET IT IS.
MY MOM'S FAMILY'S FROM SICILY,
WHICH IS FAMOUS FOR ITS PIZZA.
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I LOVE THE LITTLE
ARTICHOKE HEART.
IT'S SO CUTE.
THAT'S MOM'S PERSONAL SIGNATURE,
NOT TO MENTION THE
THREE SPECIAL CHEESES
GRATED BY HAND.
THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE HOMEMADE PIZZA.
ESPECIALLY WHEN JO'S
LITTLE THUMBPRINTS
ARE ALL OVER THE CRUST.
YOU DELIVER?
WATCH IT.
I SAID DELIVER, NOT COME ACROSS.
I'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
YEAH, YOU'LL GET
TO IT WITH A LEMON.
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO
SELL THIS AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING
THAT BECAUSE I DIG YOUR BODY.
HACK'S RIGHT.
YOU COULD BE ONE OF THOSE
STUDENT MILLIONAIRES YOU READ ABOUT.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEMADE PIZZA IS A LOT OF WORK.
BESIDES, HOW MUCH
COULD I GET FOR ONE...
FIVE, SIX BUCKS?
I'D PAY $8.00 IN A MINUTE.
REALLY?
NO, NO, WE'VE ALWAYS
KEPT IT IN THE FAMILY.
OK. 10.
MAYBE IT'S TIME TO
SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.
OF COURSE.
EVEN THE ROYAL FAMILY
DISPLAYS THE CROWN JEWELS.
AND BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
HERE'S 30 BUCKS FOR THREE
PIZZAS FOR TOMORROW, TAKE IT.
I GOT ENOUGH TIME...
AND ENOUGH ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
ALL RIGHT!
I'VE GOT A PIZZA
CONNECTION. RIGHT, BABE?
THE ARM, HACKSAW.
OK, OK.
STILL, JACKS OR
BETTER, ANTE UP AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
PERMISSION TO GET THE DOOR, SIR?
PERMISSION GRANTED, WHALE SLIME.
THANK YOU, SIR.
PLEDGES... DEAL.
HI, WELCOME TO THE
BETA EPSILON HOUSE.
LOSE A CONTACT LENS?
OH NO, NO, I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE DOWN HERE.
I'M WHALE SLIME.
I'M JO.
HI, JO.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
NICKNAMES LIKE SKIPPY?
HEY, BABE.
THE ARM, HACKSAW.
I KNOW, IT'S A TREE
TRUNK, ISN'T IT?
HEY, VICTOR. IT'S PIZZA TIME!
AT LAST!
OHHH.
YES.
YES, THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS JUST TERRIFIC.
THIS IS LIFE-GIVING.
THANK YOU, NURSE.
THAT'S GREAT, IT'S
MY MOM'S RECIPE.
THANK YOU, MOM.
ANY OF YOU GUYS START A
FOOD FIGHT AND I'LL KILL 'EM.
CONGRATULATIONS, JO. IT'S A HIT.
VICTOR'S A VERY
DISCRIMINATING EATER.
HEY, HOW ABOUT SIX MORE OF THESE
BEAUTIES FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
NO, SORRY...
SHE MEANS NO PROBLEM. EAT, EAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE A HIT!
THIS COULD BE THE START
OF YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
MAYBE SO BUT THERE ARE A LOT
OF START-UP COSTS, AND I'M BROKE.
I GOT 28 BUCKS.
I'LL BE YOUR PARTNER.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT BUT
I'LL NEED TWICE THAT MUCH.
YOU GOT IT. TOOTIE'S
GOT $25 SAVED UP.
YEAH, BUT IT'S TOOTIE'S AND
WHO SAYS SHE'LL WANT IN?
I SAY, AND I'M HER
INVESTMENT BROKER.
WHEN I TALK, SHE LISTENS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY... PARTNER?
OH, COME ON.
COME ON, YOU CAN...
YO, BABE, THE GUYS ARE
REALLY INHALING YOUR PIZZA.
YOU BETTER CHANGE
THAT ORDER TO EIGHT.
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
I'M READY.
I WAS TALKING TO NATALIE.
NO, NO, NATALIE. THAT'S TOO BIG!
NO. NOW COME ON.
THAT'S TOO SMALL!
NEVER MIND, I'LL DO THAT.
GO STIR THE SAUCE.
OH...
OH, JO.
YOU'RE MAKING YOUR
MOTHER'S TO-DIE-FOR PIZZA.
WELL, I'LL BE AT MY DIET CLUB
LEARNING 12 FATLESS WAYS
TO PREPARE ACORN SQUASH.
NOW YOU KNOW
WHERE EVERYTHING IS...
THE FLOUR, THE OVEN,
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
CUTE.
GIRLS, REMEMBER,
A GOOD COOK CLEANS AS SHE GOES.
STIR DEEP, NATALIE.
STIR DEEP!
OH, I'LL DO THIS.
WELL, WE'RE OFF
TO THE BOOK NOOK.
GEE, WE WERE HOPING YOU
GUYS COULD HELP US OUT HERE.
MOI?
I THINK NOT.
MOI, NEITHER.
YOU GUYS, JUST
FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
WE HAVE TO MAKE EIGHT
PIZZAS WITH EVERYTHING.
EXCEPT ME.
SORRY, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A
PART OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND NEITHER AM I.
NOT SO FAST, TOOTIE.
ALL RIGHT, NATALIE, WHAT
DID YOU DO TO ME THIS TIME?
WHAT DID I DO FOR YOU
IS MORE TO THE POINT.
NATALIE!
HERE, SHRED THIS.
NATALIE, I'M WAITING.
OK.
OUR PAL JO DESPERATELY
NEEDED START-UP MONEY
FOR HER PIZZA BUSINESS,
SO WE INVESTED.
"WE"?
OUI, OUI, CHERIE.
BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK
ME FOR ANY MONEY.
YOU ROBBED THE SOCK IN
MY SWEAT SUIT DRAWER?
"ROBBED" IS SUCH A HARSH WORD.
YOU CROOK! HOW COULD
YOU VIOLATE OUR TRUST?
TOOTIE, YOU'RE IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR
OF MAMA ROSE'S ORIGINAL BRONX PIZZA, INC.
THAT HAS A NICE RING TO IT.
NAT, HOW COULD YOU?
YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING FOR
MY FIRST CASHMERE SWEATER.
FORGET CASHMERE. WE'RE
GOING FOR MINK HERE.
JO, GAVE US A 40% INTEREST.
YOU'RE A FULL JUNIOR PARTNER.
AND YOU ARE A CROOK!
NAT, I WANT MY $25.
I WAS SAVING ALL SUMMER, AND I
DON'T GET THAT MUCH ALLOWANCE...
TOOTIE, IT'S GONE!
THE SMART THING TO DO
IS PITCH IN AND HELP GET
THIS BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND.
START WITH THESE.
THERE, THAT WASN'T
SO TOUGH, WAS IT?
THAT WAS EASY.
IT WAS NOT EASY, BUT IT WAS FUN.
OH, LISTEN, JO, I'M SORRY I GRATED
MY FINGERNAIL INTO THE CHEESE.
THE IMPORTANT
THING IS WE FOUND IT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
YO, BABE. THE HACK IS BACK.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HA HA HA!
OH YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW.
I'LL SETTLE FOR MY EIGHT PIZZAS.
GREAT, HERE, HOT
OFF THE PRESSES.
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
THANKS. HEY, IT WAS GREAT
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
PREGO, ADDIO, MI AMORE.
I LOOKED THAT UP.
FINALLY SOME MONEY!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
MAMA ROSE'S ORIGINAL
BRONX PIZZA, INC.
OH, AND EDNA'S EDIBLES.
CAN YOU ORDER SOME
PIZZA? TALK TO ME!
15 PIZZAS, 11:00 TOMORROW NIGHT?
COME ON! COME ON!
YOU GOT IT. THANK YOU.
YEAH! WOO!
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. 15 PIZZAS.
ARE WE SET UP FOR THAT?
SURE WE ARE. WE JUST DO
EXACTLY WHAT WE DID TODAY,
ONLY TWICE AS MUCH.
THIS MUST BE HOW SARAH LEE FELT
WHEN HER CHEESECAKES TOOK OFF.
I COULD SEE IT ALL NOW, "MAMA
ROSE'S PIZZA COVERING THE EARTH."
WAIT, NOW WE HAVE TO REMEMBER
THIS FOR WHEN JANE PAULEY
INTERVIEWS US ON THE TODAY SHOW.
THE TODAY SHOW!
WHAT'LL I WEAR?
YOU'LL BUY AT BLOOMINGDALE'S
AND THEN DECIDE.
AND I AM GONNA BUY MY MOM
THE BIGGEST CONDO IN THE BRONX.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH.
YEAH!
NATALIE, HURRY
UP, I'M LOSING IT!
I CAN'T FIND A PIZZA PAN!
THEN IMPROVISE!
DO YOU THINK
THAT THIS WILL BE...
I'LL JUST PUT THIS IN THE OVEN.
ALL RIGHT, I DELIVERED THE
THREE AND I GOT THE CHEESE.
HOW ARE WE DOING HERE?
12 DOWN, THREE TO GO,
BUT WE RAN OUT OF SAUCE.
TOOTIE, HOW COULD
YOU RUN OUT OF SAUCE?
DO I LOOK ITALIAN TO YOU?
I MADE ENOUGH FOR 20 PIZZAS.
A FEW OF THEM DIDN'T MAKE IT, JO. WE
HAD TO PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
MAKE MORE SAUCE NOW.
WE'RE ALREADY THREE
HOURS LATE ON DELIVERY.
[BUZZ]
I GOT IT.
NATALIE, SHRED!
YEAH, THERE'S
ENOUGH SAUCE IN HERE.
JUST DO THIS.
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
WOULD YOU SHRED, NATALIE?
HOT STUFF COMING OUT!
GREAT. LET'S CUT 'EM.
WHERE'S THE SLICER?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
WELL, CUT THEM SOMEHOW.
I NEED A PAN.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
SOMEONE GET THE PHONE.
OW! OW! OW! OW!
WHAT? YEAH, YEAH, IT IS.
[BUZZ]
THE OVEN, NATALIE.
I CAN'T GET IT.
TOOTIE!
WHAT? I'M CUTTING!
HANG ON.
GET OUT OF THE WAY, NATALIE.
WHAT?
COULD YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE?
HI, GUYS!
BLAIR, COULD YOU GET
THE PHONE, PLEASE?
COMING OUT! COMING IN!
WAIT! WAIT! ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
HURRY, JO.
ONE... TWO... THREE.
ALL DONE.
IT'S MILLER TIME.
THAT WAS BETA HOUSE.
THEY WOULD LIKE 25 PIZZAS FOR
THEIR FOOTBALL PARTY MONDAY NIGHT.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
GREAT!
NO WAY, JO!
CALL THEM BACK.
TELL THEM WE DIED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
COME ON, JO, IT TOOK US
FIVE HOURS TO MAKE 15 PIZZAS.
WE HAVE LIVES!
AND HOMEWORK.
AND DON'T FORGET
WORKING FOR MRS. GARRETT.
AND DON'T FORGET SLEEP.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR INVESTMENT?
YOU'RE BUYING US OUT.
CORPORATE TAKEOVER, JO. WHY?
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WE'RE GETTING OUT
OF PIZZA AND INTO BED.
AW, COME ON!
AWW!
MAYBE THEY'LL
CHANGE THEIR MINDS.
NAH, MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT.
I WAS NUTS TO THINK I
COULD RUN A PIZZA OPERATION
AND GO TO SCHOOL.
NOW, JO, DON'T THINK
OF THIS AS A FAILURE.
I DON'T. WE MADE A FEW BUCKS.
BUT LOOK HOW YOU'VE AGED.
JUST BE GLAD YOU WEREN'T
RAISED IN THE WARNER FAMILY,
WHERE "FAIL" IS A
FOUR-LETTER WORD.
I DIDN'T FAIL.
HERE'S THE BETA HOUSE NUMBER
SO YOU CAN CALL AND CANCEL.
I'M NOT CANCELING.
OH, JO, THAT'S SO RUDE.
IF YOU CAN'T GET
THE THE JOB DONE,
AT LEAST CALL THEM IN TIME SO
THEY CAN FIND SOMEBODY THAT CAN.
WON'T THAT MAKE IT HARD TO READ?
LOOK, I SAID I'M NOT
CANCELING, AND I DIDN'T FAIL.
I'M GONNA MAKE THOSE 25 PIZZAS
IF I GOTTA DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING IN THERE.
WHAT IF JO'S DROWNED
HERSELF IN THE TOMATO SAUCE?
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT
OVER A BUNCH OF PIZZAS.
YOU LIVE WITH THAT
ON YOUR CONSCIENCE.
I'M CALLING THE PARAMEDICS.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT THE
BETA PIZZAS READY.
HAVE YOU SEEN MRS. G'S CAR KEYS?
YOU FINISHED ALL 25?
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
MASS PRODUCTION, YOU
KNOW, LIKE HENRY FORD.
MASS PRODUCTION?
YEAH, I JUST WENT
TO THE WHOLESALER'S,
I GOT A BUNCH OF
FROZEN PIZZA CRUSTS,
SOME BIG CANS OF READY-MADE
SAUCE, AND PLENTY OF CHEESE FOOD.
CHEESE FOOD? IS
THAT REAL CHEESE?
CLOSE ENOUGH.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT HAPPENED TO
"THREE DIFFERENT
KINDS, GRATED BY HAND"?
ALL RIGHT, SO IT'S NOT
EXACTLY HOMEMADE.
IT'S ALMOST HOMEMADE.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF DISHONEST?
NOT REALLY.
LOOK, IT'S GOT MOSTLY
THE SAME STUFF IN IT.
AND IT IS MADE IN OUR HOME.
DOES THE WORD "JIVE"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I FOR ONE WOULD LIKE
TO CONGRATULATE YOU, JO.
I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.
AND THAT'S NOT EASY.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO
BE AROUND THOSE BETAS
WHEN THEY SINK THEIR
TEETH INTO THAT QUICKIE PIZZA.
I WOULD.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WITH YOU, TO DELIVER THE PIZZA.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WANTED OUT OF THE COMPANY?
THAT WAS EXHAUSTION TALKING.
THIS IS THE REAL NATALIE.
LET'S GO, PARTNER.
THERE IT IS!
GET THEM! GET THEM!
GET THEM! GET THEM!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DOOR.
WHO WANTS TO BET
ON THE NEXT PLAY?
I SAY HE GETS SACKED
AGAIN. YOU'RE ON.
HIYA, NATALIE, JO.
NAT, LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT. THANKS.
HOW YOU DOING, WHALE SLIME?
GREAT. NEXT WEEK,
THEY LET ME WALK.
I JUST HOPE THESE
NEW PIZZAS DON'T BOMB.
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.
HEY, LADIES.
WELCOME TO THE BEAR PIT.
THANKS. NICE TO BE HERE.
I WANNA SEE 50 PUSH-UPS!
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
NO, NO, NO.
NOT YOU, NAT. I WAS
TALKING TO WHALE SLIME.
MMMMMMM! SMELL THOSE PIZZAS!
I'VE BEEN TELLING THE GANG
HOW UNBELIEVABLE THEY ARE.
DON'T BUILD 'EM UP TOO MUCH.
YO, EVERYBODY! PRIMO
PIZZA BEING SERVED HERE.
BE QUICK OR BE SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, LIFE'S BLOOD!
SO, VICTOR, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MMMM! THMM ISMMM
TMMM BEMMM PIZMMM!
I DON'T THINK HE
NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S
THREE ROSE'S SPECIALS,
SIXTH FLOOR, NORTH
DORM, 10:00 P.M.?
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH. YEAH, YOU HEARD RIGHT.
WE'RE THE OFFICIAL PIZZA
OF THE LANGLEY
TRIVIAL PURSUIT LEAGUE.
RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
SEE?!
SEE WHAT?
SEE HOW YOU WERE WRONG
ABOUT JO'S MASS-PRODUCED PIZZAS.
I WASN'T WRONG.
VICTOR GAVE IT FIVE BURPS.
I'M DELIGHTED.
SOME PEOPLE WOULD SAY
WHAT JO DID WAS GENIUS.
I MEAN, BUSINESS IS WAY UP.
IT'S TRIPLED. BUT THAT
DOESN'T MAKE ME A GENIUS.
COME ON, EVEN THE
MIGHTY GAMMAS ORDERED
20 ROSE'S SPECIALS FOR
THEIR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.
22. BUT THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ME A GENIUS.
OK, SO I TURN MY PIZZA
INTO A CAMPUS INSTITUTION.
BUSINESS SCHOOL DOES
WANT ME TO LECTURE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL PROBABLY
END UP ON THE COVER OF TIME.
THAT STILL DOESN'T
MAKE ME A GENIUS.
JO, THOSE GAMMA PIZZAS
ARE PROBABLY READY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO STICK YOUR
HEAD IN THE OVEN... AND SEE?
THANKS, TOOTIE, I'LL DO THAT.
AHH! MRS. G?
OH, HI, JO.
NO, I AM NOT BREAKING MY DIET.
I AM ALLOWED TO SAVE UP CALORIES
AND SPLURGE ONCE IN AWHILE.
WHY NOT? YOU'RE HUMAN.
AM I!
OH, I'M GOING TO HATE MYSELF.
BUT HATE BURNS UP CALORIES.
MMM?
WELL?
NOT BAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOT BAD?
IT'S DIFFERENT.
IT DOESN'T TASTE AS RICH AND
SINFUL AS YOUR MOM'S PIZZA.
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY TASTE
BUDS ARE DULLED FROM DIETING.
THIS IS YOUR MOM'S RECIPE?
YEAH, WELL... ALMOST.
ALMOST?
WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE A FEW
THINGS, FOR THE SAKE OF PRODUCTION.
LIKE FROZEN PIZZA CRUST.
TOOTIE TOLD YOU.
NO, FREEZER BURN TOLD ME.
IN OTHER WORDS, IT TASTES
LIKE THIS ON PURPOSE?
ALL RIGHT.
SO THE CRUSTS
AREN'T QUITE AS GOOD,
AND THE SAUCE REALLY
ISN'T IN A LEAGUE WITH MOM'S.
BUT, HEY, IT'S
SELLING LIKE CRAZY.
BUT, HEY, HAVE YOU
TASTED IT LATELY?
I JUST GOT BACK FROM
THE SILK SCREENER'S.
GET READY FOR A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE!
HEY, THAT'S MOM.
ISN'T IT FABULOUS?
I DREW IT FROM THAT PICTURE
YOU KEEP ON YOUR DRESSER.
I CALL IT MY "MONA PIZZA."
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
I LOVE IT.
MRS. G AND I WERE JUST
HAVING A SERIOUS DISCUSSION.
SHE HATES MY PIZZA.
I DIDN'T SAY I HATED IT.
I'M JUST DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.
MRS. G, MY SYSTEM WORKS.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A COMPROMISE,
BUT THAT'S BUSINESS.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
JO, THINK, WHY DID YOU
START SELLING THIS STUFF?
BECAUSE OF PRIDE...
OF THIS LADY'S PIZZA.
I KNOW.
I STILL PUT ON THE
LITTLE ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
HALF ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.
JO, BITE.
NOW ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT
UNDER YOUR MOM'S FACE?
IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
NOT BAD.
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL
THAT TASTE... FREEZER BURN?
MA, STOP STARING AT ME!
THE EYES BURN RIGHT
THROUGH YOU, DON'T THEY?
YOU HAD TO DRAW
SUCH A GOOD PICTURE?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YO, BABE, I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.
WE'RE GONNA NEED 20 MORE
PIZZAS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHEF JO?
SORRY, HACK, I CAN'T.
WELL, HOW ABOUT 15 THEN?
WE'LL LOCK VICTOR IN HIS ROOM.
HOW ABOUT THREE?
THAT'S ABOUT ALL I CAN HANDLE.
THREE? THAT'S HORS D'OEUVRES.
HOW CAN YOU MAKE
ANY MONEY THAT WAY?
LOOK, IF I'M GONNA MAKE MY
MOM'S PIZZA, I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT.
COME ON, DIDN'T YOU NOTICE ANY
DIFFERENCE IN THAT LAST BATCH?
A LITTLE.
A COUPLE GUYS DID
MENTIONED SOMETHING.
BUT I TALKED TO THEM.
NOW THEY LIKE IT.
THEY'RE GONNA LIKE IT A
LOT MORE FROM NOW ON.
I'M GONNA PUT ON THICK RICH
SAUCE WITH BIG CHUNKS OF TOMATO...
GONNA HAVE HOT BUBBLING CHEESE
THAT STRETCHES FROM HERE TO THE BRONX.
PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE,
REAL HAMBURGER...
OH, THERE GOES MY DIET.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE
AND ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
HEY, TOOTIE, HERE IT IS.
INDIANA JONES,
IT STARTS AT 8:00...
THE TENDER STORY
OF A MAN AND HIS WHIP.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL I GET A
PIECE OF JO'S PIZZA.
MMM, YEAH.
IT SMELLS FANTASTIC.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE HAVING
TROUBLE CONCENTRATING?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS ME.
HI, KIDS.
OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY
SOME FRIENDS FROM LANGLEY...
SALLY, RONALD, AND HACK.
HI, SALLY, RONALD, AND... HI.
HACK.
YEAH, IT'S SHORT FOR "HACKSAW."
YOU KNOW, IN FOOTBALL, I...
CUT THEM OFF AT THE KNEES.
HOW NICE.
DO YOU BOYS LIVE IN THE DORMS?
HARDLY. WE'RE GREEKS.
DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL
HOUSING FOR GREEKS?
MRS. GARRETT, GREEKS
ARE FRATERNITY GUYS.
I KNOW THAT.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
WHAT'S THAT WONDERFUL SMELL?
OH. THAT MUST BE MY PERFUME.
NO. IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.
JO'S MAKING PIZZA!
AND IT'S ALMOST READY.
OH!
WHO CARES?
I'M NOT EVEN TEMPTED.
I JUST GOT BACK
FROM MY DIET CLUB,
MY BLOOD PRESSURE'S
DOWN, MY DRESS SIZE IS DOWN,
AND I MET THIS HYPOGLYCEMIC HUNK
WHO CALLS ME SWEET 'N LOW.
ALL RIGHT. HERE IT IS.
THE ROSE POLNIACZEK SPECIAL,
MERELY THE BEST PIZZA
IN THE CIVILIZED WORLD.
ALL RIGHT!
DO YOU WANT A
SLICE HERE, MRS. G?
YES... NO!
YES!
OHHH!
I'M LOSING CONTROL.
COME WITH US,
WE'RE SEEING INDIANA JONES
AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
OH, GOOD. THAT'LL
KILL MY APPETITE.
ALL RIGHT, COME AND GET IT.
IT'S HOT, CAREFUL.
MMM!
SUPERIOR PIZZA.
JO, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO COOK?
I DON'T COOK.
I JUST MAKE MY MOM'S PIZZA.
IT'S YUMS.
YOU BET IT IS.
MY MOM'S FAMILY'S FROM SICILY,
WHICH IS FAMOUS FOR ITS PIZZA.
AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
I LOVE THE LITTLE
ARTICHOKE HEART.
IT'S SO CUTE.
THAT'S MOM'S PERSONAL SIGNATURE,
NOT TO MENTION THE
THREE SPECIAL CHEESES
GRATED BY HAND.
THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE HOMEMADE PIZZA.
ESPECIALLY WHEN JO'S
LITTLE THUMBPRINTS
ARE ALL OVER THE CRUST.
YOU DELIVER?
WATCH IT.
I SAID DELIVER, NOT COME ACROSS.
I'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
YEAH, YOU'LL GET
TO IT WITH A LEMON.
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO
SELL THIS AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING
THAT BECAUSE I DIG YOUR BODY.
HACK'S RIGHT.
YOU COULD BE ONE OF THOSE
STUDENT MILLIONAIRES YOU READ ABOUT.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEMADE PIZZA IS A LOT OF WORK.
BESIDES, HOW MUCH
COULD I GET FOR ONE...
FIVE, SIX BUCKS?
I'D PAY $8.00 IN A MINUTE.
REALLY?
NO, NO, WE'VE ALWAYS
KEPT IT IN THE FAMILY.
OK. 10.
MAYBE IT'S TIME TO
SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.
OF COURSE.
EVEN THE ROYAL FAMILY
DISPLAYS THE CROWN JEWELS.
AND BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
HERE'S 30 BUCKS FOR THREE
PIZZAS FOR TOMORROW, TAKE IT.
I GOT ENOUGH TIME...
AND ENOUGH ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
ALL RIGHT!
I'VE GOT A PIZZA
CONNECTION. RIGHT, BABE?
THE ARM, HACKSAW.
OK, OK.
STILL, JACKS OR
BETTER, ANTE UP AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
PERMISSION TO GET THE DOOR, SIR?
PERMISSION GRANTED, WHALE SLIME.
THANK YOU, SIR.
PLEDGES... DEAL.
HI, WELCOME TO THE
BETA EPSILON HOUSE.
LOSE A CONTACT LENS?
OH NO, NO, I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE DOWN HERE.
I'M WHALE SLIME.
I'M JO.
HI, JO.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
NICKNAMES LIKE SKIPPY?
HEY, BABE.
THE ARM, HACKSAW.
I KNOW, IT'S A TREE
TRUNK, ISN'T IT?
HEY, VICTOR. IT'S PIZZA TIME!
AT LAST!
OHHH.
YES.
YES, THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS JUST TERRIFIC.
THIS IS LIFE-GIVING.
THANK YOU, NURSE.
THAT'S GREAT, IT'S
MY MOM'S RECIPE.
THANK YOU, MOM.
ANY OF YOU GUYS START A
FOOD FIGHT AND I'LL KILL 'EM.
CONGRATULATIONS, JO. IT'S A HIT.
VICTOR'S A VERY
DISCRIMINATING EATER.
HEY, HOW ABOUT SIX MORE OF THESE
BEAUTIES FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
NO, SORRY...
SHE MEANS NO PROBLEM. EAT, EAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE A HIT!
THIS COULD BE THE START
OF YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
MAYBE SO BUT THERE ARE A LOT
OF START-UP COSTS, AND I'M BROKE.
I GOT 28 BUCKS.
I'LL BE YOUR PARTNER.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT BUT
I'LL NEED TWICE THAT MUCH.
YOU GOT IT. TOOTIE'S
GOT $25 SAVED UP.
YEAH, BUT IT'S TOOTIE'S AND
WHO SAYS SHE'LL WANT IN?
I SAY, AND I'M HER
INVESTMENT BROKER.
WHEN I TALK, SHE LISTENS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY... PARTNER?
OH, COME ON.
COME ON, YOU CAN...
YO, BABE, THE GUYS ARE
REALLY INHALING YOUR PIZZA.
YOU BETTER CHANGE
THAT ORDER TO EIGHT.
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
I'M READY.
I WAS TALKING TO NATALIE.
NO, NO, NATALIE. THAT'S TOO BIG!
NO. NOW COME ON.
THAT'S TOO SMALL!
NEVER MIND, I'LL DO THAT.
GO STIR THE SAUCE.
OH...
OH, JO.
YOU'RE MAKING YOUR
MOTHER'S TO-DIE-FOR PIZZA.
WELL, I'LL BE AT MY DIET CLUB
LEARNING 12 FATLESS WAYS
TO PREPARE ACORN SQUASH.
NOW YOU KNOW
WHERE EVERYTHING IS...
THE FLOUR, THE OVEN,
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
CUTE.
GIRLS, REMEMBER,
A GOOD COOK CLEANS AS SHE GOES.
STIR DEEP, NATALIE.
STIR DEEP!
OH, I'LL DO THIS.
WELL, WE'RE OFF
TO THE BOOK NOOK.
GEE, WE WERE HOPING YOU
GUYS COULD HELP US OUT HERE.
MOI?
I THINK NOT.
MOI, NEITHER.
YOU GUYS, JUST
FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
WE HAVE TO MAKE EIGHT
PIZZAS WITH EVERYTHING.
EXCEPT ME.
SORRY, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A
PART OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND NEITHER AM I.
NOT SO FAST, TOOTIE.
ALL RIGHT, NATALIE, WHAT
DID YOU DO TO ME THIS TIME?
WHAT DID I DO FOR YOU
IS MORE TO THE POINT.
NATALIE!
HERE, SHRED THIS.
NATALIE, I'M WAITING.
OK.
OUR PAL JO DESPERATELY
NEEDED START-UP MONEY
FOR HER PIZZA BUSINESS,
SO WE INVESTED.
"WE"?
OUI, OUI, CHERIE.
BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK
ME FOR ANY MONEY.
YOU ROBBED THE SOCK IN
MY SWEAT SUIT DRAWER?
"ROBBED" IS SUCH A HARSH WORD.
YOU CROOK! HOW COULD
YOU VIOLATE OUR TRUST?
TOOTIE, YOU'RE IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR
OF MAMA ROSE'S ORIGINAL BRONX PIZZA, INC.
THAT HAS A NICE RING TO IT.
NAT, HOW COULD YOU?
YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING FOR
MY FIRST CASHMERE SWEATER.
FORGET CASHMERE. WE'RE
GOING FOR MINK HERE.
JO, GAVE US A 40% INTEREST.
YOU'RE A FULL JUNIOR PARTNER.
AND YOU ARE A CROOK!
NAT, I WANT MY $25.
I WAS SAVING ALL SUMMER, AND I
DON'T GET THAT MUCH ALLOWANCE...
TOOTIE, IT'S GONE!
THE SMART THING TO DO
IS PITCH IN AND HELP GET
THIS BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND.
START WITH THESE.
THERE, THAT WASN'T
SO TOUGH, WAS IT?
THAT WAS EASY.
IT WAS NOT EASY, BUT IT WAS FUN.
OH, LISTEN, JO, I'M SORRY I GRATED
MY FINGERNAIL INTO THE CHEESE.
THE IMPORTANT
THING IS WE FOUND IT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
YO, BABE. THE HACK IS BACK.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HA HA HA!
OH YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW.
I'LL SETTLE FOR MY EIGHT PIZZAS.
GREAT, HERE, HOT
OFF THE PRESSES.
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
THANKS. HEY, IT WAS GREAT
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
PREGO, ADDIO, MI AMORE.
I LOOKED THAT UP.
FINALLY SOME MONEY!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
MAMA ROSE'S ORIGINAL
BRONX PIZZA, INC.
OH, AND EDNA'S EDIBLES.
CAN YOU ORDER SOME
PIZZA? TALK TO ME!
15 PIZZAS, 11:00 TOMORROW NIGHT?
COME ON! COME ON!
YOU GOT IT. THANK YOU.
YEAH! WOO!
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. 15 PIZZAS.
ARE WE SET UP FOR THAT?
SURE WE ARE. WE JUST DO
EXACTLY WHAT WE DID TODAY,
ONLY TWICE AS MUCH.
THIS MUST BE HOW SARAH LEE FELT
WHEN HER CHEESECAKES TOOK OFF.
I COULD SEE IT ALL NOW, "MAMA
ROSE'S PIZZA COVERING THE EARTH."
WAIT, NOW WE HAVE TO REMEMBER
THIS FOR WHEN JANE PAULEY
INTERVIEWS US ON THE TODAY SHOW.
THE TODAY SHOW!
WHAT'LL I WEAR?
YOU'LL BUY AT BLOOMINGDALE'S
AND THEN DECIDE.
AND I AM GONNA BUY MY MOM
THE BIGGEST CONDO IN THE BRONX.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH.
YEAH!
NATALIE, HURRY
UP, I'M LOSING IT!
I CAN'T FIND A PIZZA PAN!
THEN IMPROVISE!
DO YOU THINK
THAT THIS WILL BE...
I'LL JUST PUT THIS IN THE OVEN.
ALL RIGHT, I DELIVERED THE
THREE AND I GOT THE CHEESE.
HOW ARE WE DOING HERE?
12 DOWN, THREE TO GO,
BUT WE RAN OUT OF SAUCE.
TOOTIE, HOW COULD
YOU RUN OUT OF SAUCE?
DO I LOOK ITALIAN TO YOU?
I MADE ENOUGH FOR 20 PIZZAS.
A FEW OF THEM DIDN'T MAKE IT, JO. WE
HAD TO PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
MAKE MORE SAUCE NOW.
WE'RE ALREADY THREE
HOURS LATE ON DELIVERY.
[BUZZ]
I GOT IT.
NATALIE, SHRED!
YEAH, THERE'S
ENOUGH SAUCE IN HERE.
JUST DO THIS.
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
WOULD YOU SHRED, NATALIE?
HOT STUFF COMING OUT!
GREAT. LET'S CUT 'EM.
WHERE'S THE SLICER?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
WELL, CUT THEM SOMEHOW.
I NEED A PAN.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
SOMEONE GET THE PHONE.
OW! OW! OW! OW!
WHAT? YEAH, YEAH, IT IS.
[BUZZ]
THE OVEN, NATALIE.
I CAN'T GET IT.
TOOTIE!
WHAT? I'M CUTTING!
HANG ON.
GET OUT OF THE WAY, NATALIE.
WHAT?
COULD YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE?
HI, GUYS!
BLAIR, COULD YOU GET
THE PHONE, PLEASE?
COMING OUT! COMING IN!
WAIT! WAIT! ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
HURRY, JO.
ONE... TWO... THREE.
ALL DONE.
IT'S MILLER TIME.
THAT WAS BETA HOUSE.
THEY WOULD LIKE 25 PIZZAS FOR
THEIR FOOTBALL PARTY MONDAY NIGHT.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
GREAT!
NO WAY, JO!
CALL THEM BACK.
TELL THEM WE DIED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
COME ON, JO, IT TOOK US
FIVE HOURS TO MAKE 15 PIZZAS.
WE HAVE LIVES!
AND HOMEWORK.
AND DON'T FORGET
WORKING FOR MRS. GARRETT.
AND DON'T FORGET SLEEP.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR INVESTMENT?
YOU'RE BUYING US OUT.
CORPORATE TAKEOVER, JO. WHY?
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WE'RE GETTING OUT
OF PIZZA AND INTO BED.
AW, COME ON!
AWW!
MAYBE THEY'LL
CHANGE THEIR MINDS.
NAH, MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT.
I WAS NUTS TO THINK I
COULD RUN A PIZZA OPERATION
AND GO TO SCHOOL.
NOW, JO, DON'T THINK
OF THIS AS A FAILURE.
I DON'T. WE MADE A FEW BUCKS.
BUT LOOK HOW YOU'VE AGED.
JUST BE GLAD YOU WEREN'T
RAISED IN THE WARNER FAMILY,
WHERE "FAIL" IS A
FOUR-LETTER WORD.
I DIDN'T FAIL.
HERE'S THE BETA HOUSE NUMBER
SO YOU CAN CALL AND CANCEL.
I'M NOT CANCELING.
OH, JO, THAT'S SO RUDE.
IF YOU CAN'T GET
THE THE JOB DONE,
AT LEAST CALL THEM IN TIME SO
THEY CAN FIND SOMEBODY THAT CAN.
WON'T THAT MAKE IT HARD TO READ?
LOOK, I SAID I'M NOT
CANCELING, AND I DIDN'T FAIL.
I'M GONNA MAKE THOSE 25 PIZZAS
IF I GOTTA DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING IN THERE.
WHAT IF JO'S DROWNED
HERSELF IN THE TOMATO SAUCE?
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT
OVER A BUNCH OF PIZZAS.
YOU LIVE WITH THAT
ON YOUR CONSCIENCE.
I'M CALLING THE PARAMEDICS.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT THE
BETA PIZZAS READY.
HAVE YOU SEEN MRS. G'S CAR KEYS?
YOU FINISHED ALL 25?
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
MASS PRODUCTION, YOU
KNOW, LIKE HENRY FORD.
MASS PRODUCTION?
YEAH, I JUST WENT
TO THE WHOLESALER'S,
I GOT A BUNCH OF
FROZEN PIZZA CRUSTS,
SOME BIG CANS OF READY-MADE
SAUCE, AND PLENTY OF CHEESE FOOD.
CHEESE FOOD? IS
THAT REAL CHEESE?
CLOSE ENOUGH.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT HAPPENED TO
"THREE DIFFERENT
KINDS, GRATED BY HAND"?
ALL RIGHT, SO IT'S NOT
EXACTLY HOMEMADE.
IT'S ALMOST HOMEMADE.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF DISHONEST?
NOT REALLY.
LOOK, IT'S GOT MOSTLY
THE SAME STUFF IN IT.
AND IT IS MADE IN OUR HOME.
DOES THE WORD "JIVE"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I FOR ONE WOULD LIKE
TO CONGRATULATE YOU, JO.
I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.
AND THAT'S NOT EASY.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO
BE AROUND THOSE BETAS
WHEN THEY SINK THEIR
TEETH INTO THAT QUICKIE PIZZA.
I WOULD.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WITH YOU, TO DELIVER THE PIZZA.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WANTED OUT OF THE COMPANY?
THAT WAS EXHAUSTION TALKING.
THIS IS THE REAL NATALIE.
LET'S GO, PARTNER.
THERE IT IS!
GET THEM! GET THEM!
GET THEM! GET THEM!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DOOR.
WHO WANTS TO BET
ON THE NEXT PLAY?
I SAY HE GETS SACKED
AGAIN. YOU'RE ON.
HIYA, NATALIE, JO.
NAT, LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT. THANKS.
HOW YOU DOING, WHALE SLIME?
GREAT. NEXT WEEK,
THEY LET ME WALK.
I JUST HOPE THESE
NEW PIZZAS DON'T BOMB.
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.
HEY, LADIES.
WELCOME TO THE BEAR PIT.
THANKS. NICE TO BE HERE.
I WANNA SEE 50 PUSH-UPS!
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
NO, NO, NO.
NOT YOU, NAT. I WAS
TALKING TO WHALE SLIME.
MMMMMMM! SMELL THOSE PIZZAS!
I'VE BEEN TELLING THE GANG
HOW UNBELIEVABLE THEY ARE.
DON'T BUILD 'EM UP TOO MUCH.
YO, EVERYBODY! PRIMO
PIZZA BEING SERVED HERE.
BE QUICK OR BE SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, LIFE'S BLOOD!
SO, VICTOR, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MMMM! THMM ISMMM
TMMM BEMMM PIZMMM!
I DON'T THINK HE
NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S
THREE ROSE'S SPECIALS,
SIXTH FLOOR, NORTH
DORM, 10:00 P.M.?
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH. YEAH, YOU HEARD RIGHT.
WE'RE THE OFFICIAL PIZZA
OF THE LANGLEY
TRIVIAL PURSUIT LEAGUE.
RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
SEE?!
SEE WHAT?
SEE HOW YOU WERE WRONG
ABOUT JO'S MASS-PRODUCED PIZZAS.
I WASN'T WRONG.
VICTOR GAVE IT FIVE BURPS.
I'M DELIGHTED.
SOME PEOPLE WOULD SAY
WHAT JO DID WAS GENIUS.
I MEAN, BUSINESS IS WAY UP.
IT'S TRIPLED. BUT THAT
DOESN'T MAKE ME A GENIUS.
COME ON, EVEN THE
MIGHTY GAMMAS ORDERED
20 ROSE'S SPECIALS FOR
THEIR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.
22. BUT THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ME A GENIUS.
OK, SO I TURN MY PIZZA
INTO A CAMPUS INSTITUTION.
BUSINESS SCHOOL DOES
WANT ME TO LECTURE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL PROBABLY
END UP ON THE COVER OF TIME.
THAT STILL DOESN'T
MAKE ME A GENIUS.
JO, THOSE GAMMA PIZZAS
ARE PROBABLY READY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO STICK YOUR
HEAD IN THE OVEN... AND SEE?
THANKS, TOOTIE, I'LL DO THAT.
AHH! MRS. G?
OH, HI, JO.
NO, I AM NOT BREAKING MY DIET.
I AM ALLOWED TO SAVE UP CALORIES
AND SPLURGE ONCE IN AWHILE.
WHY NOT? YOU'RE HUMAN.
AM I!
OH, I'M GOING TO HATE MYSELF.
BUT HATE BURNS UP CALORIES.
MMM?
WELL?
NOT BAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOT BAD?
IT'S DIFFERENT.
IT DOESN'T TASTE AS RICH AND
SINFUL AS YOUR MOM'S PIZZA.
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY TASTE
BUDS ARE DULLED FROM DIETING.
THIS IS YOUR MOM'S RECIPE?
YEAH, WELL... ALMOST.
ALMOST?
WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE A FEW
THINGS, FOR THE SAKE OF PRODUCTION.
LIKE FROZEN PIZZA CRUST.
TOOTIE TOLD YOU.
NO, FREEZER BURN TOLD ME.
IN OTHER WORDS, IT TASTES
LIKE THIS ON PURPOSE?
ALL RIGHT.
SO THE CRUSTS
AREN'T QUITE AS GOOD,
AND THE SAUCE REALLY
ISN'T IN A LEAGUE WITH MOM'S.
BUT, HEY, IT'S
SELLING LIKE CRAZY.
BUT, HEY, HAVE YOU
TASTED IT LATELY?
I JUST GOT BACK FROM
THE SILK SCREENER'S.
GET READY FOR A SURPRISE.
SURPRISE!
HEY, THAT'S MOM.
ISN'T IT FABULOUS?
I DREW IT FROM THAT PICTURE
YOU KEEP ON YOUR DRESSER.
I CALL IT MY "MONA PIZZA."
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
I LOVE IT.
MRS. G AND I WERE JUST
HAVING A SERIOUS DISCUSSION.
SHE HATES MY PIZZA.
I DIDN'T SAY I HATED IT.
I'M JUST DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.
MRS. G, MY SYSTEM WORKS.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A COMPROMISE,
BUT THAT'S BUSINESS.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
JO, THINK, WHY DID YOU
START SELLING THIS STUFF?
BECAUSE OF PRIDE...
OF THIS LADY'S PIZZA.
I KNOW.
I STILL PUT ON THE
LITTLE ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
HALF ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.
JO, BITE.
NOW ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT
UNDER YOUR MOM'S FACE?
IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
NOT BAD.
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL
THAT TASTE... FREEZER BURN?
MA, STOP STARING AT ME!
THE EYES BURN RIGHT
THROUGH YOU, DON'T THEY?
YOU HAD TO DRAW
SUCH A GOOD PICTURE?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YO, BABE, I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.
WE'RE GONNA NEED 20 MORE
PIZZAS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHEF JO?
SORRY, HACK, I CAN'T.
WELL, HOW ABOUT 15 THEN?
WE'LL LOCK VICTOR IN HIS ROOM.
HOW ABOUT THREE?
THAT'S ABOUT ALL I CAN HANDLE.
THREE? THAT'S HORS D'OEUVRES.
HOW CAN YOU MAKE
ANY MONEY THAT WAY?
LOOK, IF I'M GONNA MAKE MY
MOM'S PIZZA, I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT.
COME ON, DIDN'T YOU NOTICE ANY
DIFFERENCE IN THAT LAST BATCH?
A LITTLE.
A COUPLE GUYS DID
MENTIONED SOMETHING.
BUT I TALKED TO THEM.
NOW THEY LIKE IT.
THEY'RE GONNA LIKE IT A
LOT MORE FROM NOW ON.
I'M GONNA PUT ON THICK RICH
SAUCE WITH BIG CHUNKS OF TOMATO...
GONNA HAVE HOT BUBBLING CHEESE
THAT STRETCHES FROM HERE TO THE BRONX.
PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE,
REAL HAMBURGER...
OH, THERE GOES MY DIET.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE
AND ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪