The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 6, Episode 3 - Love at First Byte - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

NATALIE, I'M TELLIN' YOU
THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK.

IT'LL WORK... JUST WRITE
DOWN EVERYTHING THEY SAY,

ONLY DON'T LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE WRITING.

JUST REMEMBER, WHEN
JO AND BLAIR KILL YOU,

I GET YOUR PEARL NECKLACE.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA KILL
ME, THEY'RE GONNA THANK ME

AND GIVE ME A PEARL
BRACELET TO MATCH.



I WOULDN'T BET ON IT, NAT.

ARE YOU KIDDING? THEY'RE GONNA
NAME THEIR CHILDREN AFTER ME.

TRUST ME!

OK, NATALIE. WHAT'S UP?

UP? WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK SOMETHING'S UP?

I KNOW SOMETHING'S UP, NATALIE.

TRUST ME.

ALL RIGHT, BUT IT'S
SOMETHING YOU'D APPROVE OF.

WELL, IN THEORY.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT LET'S HAVE IT ANYWAY.

PREMISE: BLAIR'S
DATED 800, 900 GUYS.

JO'S DATED EIGHT, NINE GUYS.

HAVE THEY FOUND MR. RIGHT?

WELL... CORRECT, THEY HAVE NOT.

BUT LET'S SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY,

THAT A COMPUTER WERE ENGAGED
TO PROCESS DATA ON BLAIR AND JO,

AND PICK THE PERFECT
MATES FOR THEM.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, NATALIE?

'CAUSE SHE'S GOTTA
DO A TERM PAPER

FOR A PSYCHOLOGY CLASS.

I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I
BELIEVE IN LOVE AND ROMANCE.

AND IN 1984, HOW DO
WE SPELL ROMANCE?

IBM.

NATALIE, HOW CAN THEY USE
A COMPUTER TO FIND LOVE?

BY ASKING SCIENTIFICALLY
CONSTRUCTIVE QUESTIONS.

"IF YOU WERE A BUS, WOULD
YOU REQUIRE EXACT CHANGE?"

OH, NATALIE, PEOPLE
FIND EACH OTHER

BECAUSE OF THE SORT OF
UNEXPLAINABLE CHEMISTRY...

SOMETHING THAT ATTRACTS THEM.

THE HOTS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
THEM WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

MRS. GARRETT, THAT
WOULD SUBJECTIFY THE DATA.

AND THEY'D KILL HER.

TOOTIE, JUST TAKE THE PICTURES.

AND REMEMBER, THE DATING SERVICE
WANTS THEM TO LOOK WHOLESOME,

YET ALLURING.

ALL RIGHT, WHO WAS THE HEAD
OF THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT

OF RUSSIA IN 1917?

ALEXANDER KERENSKY,
RIGHT? RIGHT.

SPEAKING OF RUSSIA,

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JUNK FOOD?

NATALIE, WE'VE GOT TO STUDY.

SPEAKING OF STUDYING, WHAT
DO YOU FIRST NOTICE IN A GUY?

NATALIE, WOULD YOU BUG OFF?

ALL RIGHT, UH, WHAT WAS THE NAME

OF THE RUSSIAN ROYAL FAMILY?

FAMILIES! OH, THAT'S GOOD.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN SEX
EDUCATION IN OUR SCHOOLS?

ONLY IF IT'S
ACCOMPANIED BY SLIDES.

SLIDES... GREAT
IDEA! TOOTIE, CAMERA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THERE'S ONLY A FEW MORE
PICTURES LEFT ON THIS ROLL,

SO WHY NOT USE 'EM UP?

GREAT IDEA, TOOTIE, BUT HEY,

THERE'S NO SENSE IN TAKING
PICTURES UNLESS THEY'RE GOOD.

IN FACT, LET'S MAKE
THESE THE BEST

END OF THE ROLL PICTURES EVER.

DO YOU MIND?

OH, HUMOR ME.

BLAIR, HOW INTELLIGENT
DO YOU LIKE YOUR MEN?

NATALIE!

OKAY, JUST DAB FOR ME.

TOOTIE, GO.

OKAY, JO.

DAB ME AND YOU'RE DEAD.

THIS IS IT, TOOTIE,
A TEMPLE OF LOVE.

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

GODS, GODDESSES.

HEAVEN.

LADIES, LADIES,
WELCOME TO DATE-A-DATE.

WE'RE GLAD TO BE HERE.

[CHUCKLES] I BET I KNOW WHY.

I BET YOU DO.

[LAUGHS] SAY IT.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR LOVE.

WELL... [LAUGHS]

YOU'VE COME TO THE
SOURCE. LET'S TALK.

WELL, HELLO.

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH! NO SELF-SERVE.

THIS IS NOT ONE OF YOUR
PICK-UP BARS, NOW GO.

HONESTLY! NOW, LET'S
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

UM, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DEAR?

TOOTIE.

OH, YOU CAN USE
YOUR REAL NAMES HERE.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

BECAUSE PEOPLE...
PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE...

ARE THE LUCKIEST
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE?

I'LL BET YOU ARE.

ACTUALLY, THIS ISN'T FOR US.

WE HAVE THESE TWO FRIENDS.

TWO FRIENDS. UH-HUH.

THIS IS THEM.

OH, I SEE.

HEY, GUYS. HI.

HE NEEDS A DATE?

WHY, OF COURSE.

NO ONE WANTS TO SAIL
LIFE'S SCHOONER ALONE.

EVER SKIPPER NEEDS A MATE.

KNOCK KNOCK.

SORRY, JUST BROWSING.

WHAT WE'LL DO IS WE'LL
INTRODUCE YOUR FRIENDS HERE

TO OUR COMPUTER, AND
WE'LL SEE IF MR. RIGHT

ISN'T HIDING INSIDE ONE
OF THOSE MICROCHIPS.

EVERYTHING'S
FILLED OUT. I'LL SAY.

GOOD, WE'LL GET BACK TO
YOU IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

GREAT!

([CLICKS TONGUE) GOOD-BYE.

IS HE ON THE COMPUTER?

WELL, HE WILL BE SOON.

NOW, YOU WAIT HERE,
AND I'LL GET YOU COPIES

OF THESE APPLICATIONS.

"REX WINCHESTER.

"I LIKE FAST CARS
AND FAST WOMEN.

"WHETHER IT'S ON THE SKI SLOPES

"OR RIDING THE WAVES,

"MY DREAM GIRL KNOWS
HOW TO HANDLE HERSELF

IN TIGHT SPOTS."

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

YEAH, BUT CAN HE TYPE?

HERE WE ARE. OH, GREAT.

AND WHEN YOU CALL
TO SET UP THE DATE,

BE SURE YOU ASK FOR NATALIE.

OUR LITTLE SECRET.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES.

BLAIR, JO, HURRY UP!

NATALIE, HOW CAN YOU
LET THOSE GIRLS THINK

THEY'RE GOING TO A
ROCK CONCERT TONIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO DO, TELL THEM

THEY HAVE COMPUTER
DATES INSTEAD?

YES. IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

NO, BUT IT IS TOO EARLY.

NAT, YOU'RE THE BEST.
TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO.

NAME IT. ANYTHING.

IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

NATALIE, TICKETS TO BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN IS A BIG DEAL.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS
IN CONCERT HERE TONIGHT.

WELL... SEATS IN THE FOURTH ROW?

I MIGHT BE OFF A COUPLE ROWS.

SHE MIGHT BE OFF A
COUPLE OF THEATERS.

OKAY, COME ON,
TOOTIE, I BID TWO HEARTS.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU BID?

FULL HOUSE.

OH, COME ON, TOOTIE,
PLEASE TRY... FOR ME.

LOOK, MRS. GARRETT,
I'M REAL SORRY

MARTHA MOVED TO TEXAS,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE
YOUR NEW BRIDGE PARTNER.

TRY. IT'S FUN.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO PLAY BRIDGE.

IT'S BORING!

NOT TRUE.

SOME VERY GLAMOROUS
PEOPLE ENJOY IT.

IT'S OMAR SHARIF'S
FAVORITE GAME!

WHO'S OMAR SHARIF?

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO PLAY BRIDGE.

NATALIE, YOU ARE A MARVEL.

I'VE CHECKED AROUND,
AND NOBODY I KNOW

HAS TICKETS TO SEE SPRINGSTEEN.

TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE MAGIC.

IT'S GONNA BE BETTER
THAN THAT, BLAIR.

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

AND NEITHER WILL YOU.

TONIGHT'S THE LAST NIGHT
OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

KNOCK IT OFF, RAMSEY.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, HOW COME
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE CONCERT?

GOOD QUESTION.

NAT, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HANDLE THAT ONE?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WHO COULD THAT BE?

WELL, THERE'S ONE
WAY TO FIND OUT.

WAIT.

BLAIR... JO...

WHAT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER
THAN SEEING SPRINGSTEEN LIVE?

I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS.

NEITHER DO I. EXACTLY.

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT
YOUR IDEAL MAN WOULD BE LIKE?

NOT SOME GUY YOU MET AT
A MIXER OR A DUMB CONCERT,

BUT SOMEONE THE
GODS OR A COMPUTER

PICKED AS YOUR TRUE LOVE?

THIS SOUNDS WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.

WAIT. [DOORBELL RINGS]

A WONDROUS COMPUTER
HAS SEARCHED FAR AND WIDE

TO FIND THE TWO MEN WHO
WILL MAKE YOUR LIVES COMPLETE.

BLAIR WARNER, JO POLNIACZEK,

MEET YOUR DREAM MEN.

HI. HI, I'M CHIP.

AND YOU MUST BE DOUG.

UH, COME IN, COME
IN. I'M NATALIE.

WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

DOUG, THIS IS JO.

ISN'T SHE EVERYTHING
YOU EXPECTED HER TO BE?

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS
KIND OF A BAD PICTURE.

YOU WERE MAKING A
FIST AT THE CAMERA.

OH, HOW NICE. FLOWERS.

JO LOVES FLOWERS, DON'T YOU, JO?

AND THIS IS BLAIR.

OH, BOY, CANDY!

BLAIR'S FAVORITE.
ISN'T IT, BLAIR?

BOY... I CAN FEEL
THE VIBES ALREADY.

CHIP... DOUG...

I BET YOU BOYS WOULD LOVE
TO SEE THE INNER WORKINGS

OF THE EDNA'S EDIBLES EMPIRE.

HOW 'BOUT A TOUR?

WOULD YOU DO THAT
FOR ME, MRS. GARRETT?

OH, OKAY.

OKAY, HOW 'BOUT STARTING
IN THE KITCHEN, BOYS?

FIRST DOOR ON THE LEFT.

HA HA HA HA HA.

GO EASY ON NATALIE, GIRLS.

I'M ALMOST CERTAIN
SHE MEANT WELL.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?

'CAUSE I WANT THE TRUTH.

BUT IT WAS HER IDEA.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!
GO AHEAD, TOOTIE.

SHE HAS THIS DUMB THEORY
THAT A COMPUTER CAN

FIND YOU TRUE LOVE.

SO WE ASKED YOU THOSE
BRILLIANT QUESTIONS,

LIKE "HOW SMART DO
YOU LIKE YOUR MEN?"

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE INSECT?"

"HOW MUCH BLOOD CAN A
PERSON LOSE AND SURVIVE?"

SO THEN SHE FILLED
OUT YOUR FORMS,

FED THEM INTO A COMPUTER,
AND OUT CAME CHIP AND DOUG.

YOU FILLED OUT MY FORM?

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT
MY FAVORITE INSECT IS?

YOU GUYS SHOULD BE
GRATEFUL. BECAUSE OF ME,

YOU'RE MEETING
YOUR PERFECT DATES.

PERFECT? HE'S NOT EVEN BLOND.

AND DOUG GAVE ME FLOWERS!

I HATE FLOWERS.

AND I HATE MILK CHOCOLATES.

THOSE ARE MILK CHOCOLATE?

LISTEN, GUYS, THIS
COULD BE IT FOR YOU.

LOVE, MARRIAGE, KIDS.

RETIREMENT, DEATH... IT'S
ALL WITHIN YOUR GRASP.

OH, WELL, IF IT'S SO GREAT,

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T LET
THE COMPUTER PLAN YOUR LIFE?

I DID.

YOU DID?

YOU HAVE A MYSTERY
MAN COMING, TOO?

THE COMPUTER PICKED HIM? YEP.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

AND IT SAID HE WAS PROMPT.

[GASPS] HI.

IS NATALIE HERE?

ALIVE AND WELL.

NOT FOR LONG.

HI, I'M REX.

HEY, I LIKE THIS PLACE.
IT WORKS FOR ME.

WHO FILLED OUT YOUR
QUESTIONNAIRE, NATALIE?

GIRLS, I JUST
CAN'T... UH... OH, MY.

MRS. GARRETT, MEET MY
DATE, REX WINCHESTER.

HI, I'M REX WINCHESTER.

HEY, I LIKE THAT DRESS.
IT WORKS FOR YOU.

OH, MY.

SO, DO I DRIVE, OR DO
WE TAKE YOUR MASERATI?

UH, HERR MASERATI?

IS IN THE SHOP.

OKAY, WE'LL TAKE MY PORCHE.

OH...

AND YOU GUYS CAN
FOLLOW US IN CHIP'S PINTO.

GOOD. I'LL GO GET CHIP AND DOUG.

FORGET IT, MRS.
GARRETT. WE'RE NOT GOING.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST
LEAVE THEM THERE

STARING AT MY MICROWAVE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'LL PUT NATALIE IN IT AND
LET 'EM WATCH HER EXPLODE.

[CHUCKLES] COME ON, GIRLS.

YOU TWO WOULDN'T WANT TO DO THAT

TO THOSE TWO NICE BOYS.

THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT.

NO MATTER HOW UNDERHANDED,
CONNIVING, AND INEXCUSABLE

NATALIE'S BEHAVIOR HAS BEEN!

THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT.

GIRLS... OH, MRS.
GARRETT, DON'T TELL US

HOW THEY'RE TWO HUMAN BEINGS.

I DIDN'T.

AND HOW THEY'RE
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

I HAVEN'T.

AND HOW NONE OF
THIS IS THEIR FAULT.

I WOULDN'T.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT, WE'LL GO.

IT'S THE ONLY
DECENT THING TO DO.

IT'S SO NICE TO KNOW YOU
GIRLS STILL LISTEN TO ME.

YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL,
DON'T YOU, CHIP?

BLAIR WAS JUST IN NEW ORLEANS.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL
US ABOUT IT, BLAIR?

WELL... IT'S IN LOUISIANA.

I HEAR THAT THE JAZZ
CLUBS ARE TERRIFIC.

OH, THEY ARE.

BLAIR SAYS IT'S WHERE
SHE WANTS TO GO

ON HER HONEYMOON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, CHIP?

WELL, I THINK SHE SHOULD
GO WHERE SHE WANTS.

NEW ORLEANS WAS SETTLED
BY THE FRENCH, WASN'T IT?

AH, FRENCH, THE
LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

ISN'T FRENCH ROMANTIC, DOUG?

I TOOK SPANISH.

SO DID JO. I KNEW YOU TWO

SPOKE THE SAME LANGUAGE.

GO AHEAD, TALK TO
EACH OTHER IN SPANISH.

NAT... OH, COME ON.

IT'LL BE CUTE, JUST LIKE
ON CABLE TELEVISION.

GO AHEAD, SAY SOMETHING.

UH... [SPEAKS SPANISH]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

I GOT A "B".

COME ON, JO, TELL DOUG
HOW HIS HAIR IS THE COLOR

OF RICH CORINTHIAN LEATHER.

GREAT PLACE YOU PICKED, NAT.

IT'S GOT THE THIRD-BEST
SALAD BAR IN NEW YORK STATE.

YOU RATE SALAD BARS. SURE.

I'VE BEEN STUDYING
THEM FOR YEARS.

IT'S AN INTEREST OF MINE.

AND I FOUND YOU CAN REALLY
MAKE THEM WORK FOR YA

IF YOU'VE GOT A SYSTEM.

FASCINATING.

YOU KNOW, BLAIR,
IN THIS CANDLELIGHT,

YOUR EYES REALLY SPARKLE.
DON'T THEY SPARKLE, CHIP?

OKAY, HERE'S THE THING.

EAT A LOT OF SALAD.
THEN YOU'LL BE FULL,

AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR
ENTREE HOME IN A DOGGY BAG

AND HAVE IT FOR LUNCH TOMORROW!

IT'S A SYSTEM THAT
REALLY WORKS FOR ME.

THANKS, REX.

SO, DOUG, ASK JO SOMETHING.

ANYTHING. ASK HER WHAT
HER FAVORITE INSECT IS.

I THINK I'LL HIT THE SALAD BAR.

ME, TOO.

ONE TIP... DON'T TAKE
TOO MUCH LETTUCE.

THEN YOU WON'T HAVE ROOM
FOR THE ALFALFA SPROUTS,

THE GARBANZO
BEANS, OR THE BAC-OS.

TRUST ME. IT'S MY SYSTEM.

AND I'LL BET IT WORKS FOR YOU.

[LAUGHS] YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'VE HAD MORE FUN
HAVING MY TEETH DRILLED.

COME ON, YOU'RE NOT
TRYING. JO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

BUT YOU AND DOUG
HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

OH, RIGHT. HE'S FROM TOPEKA,

AND I'M FROM THE BRONX.

THE ONLY THING WE HAVE IN COMMON

IS THAT WE BOTH
DON'T WANNA BE HERE.

IT'S A START.

OKAY, THEN WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO? TELL ME.

HOW ABOUT GETTING LOST?

THAT WORKS FOR ME.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU REALLY WANT.

OKAY, REX, TAKE ME HOME.

WHAT ABOUT DINNER? JUST COME ON!

OH, I GET IT.

YOU WANNA DITCH THESE STIFFS.

GREAT. LET'S GO DO SOMETHING
WE BOTH ENJOY, LIKE WATER POLO!

WHERE'D THEY GO?

REX FILLED UP ON
SALAD, SO THEY TOOK OFF.

OH.

HEY, LOOK, UM...

WE'RE REALLY SORRY
ABOUT TONIGHT.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS DINNER...
WELL, THIS WHOLE EVENING

WAS A SURPRISE TO US.

YOU SEE, NATALIE'S
DOING THIS TERM PAPER

ON HOW A COMPUTER CAN PICK
YOUR MATE BETTER THAN YOU CAN.

SO SHE FILLED OUT
OUR QUESTIONNAIRES,

AND HERE WE ARE.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN
SHOOTING HER LOOKS ALL NIGHT.

AND HOPING THEY WOULD KILL.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

THE FOOD LOOKS GOOD,
AND WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.

LOOK, LET'S NOT CALL THIS
A DATE ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT?

HOW ABOUT IF WE JUST GO DUTCH?

OKAY WITH ME. GREAT.

SO, UH, LISTEN, CAN WE
JOIN YOU FOR DINNER?

OH, PLEASE DO.

OH, UH, I'M SORRY
ABOUT MAKING YOU TAKE

THAT LITTLE TOUR OF THE KITCHEN.

THAT'S OKAY. ACTUALLY,

MRS. GARRETT MADE
IT QUITE AN EVENT.

SHE SEEMS VERY EXCITED
ABOUT HER DISHWASHER.

MRS. G LOVES HER APPLIANCES.

WELL, UNTIL THE
WARRANTY RUNS OUT.

THEY THEY'RE MY PROBLEM.

SO YOU'RE THE FAMILY
MECHANIC, TOO? YEAH.

NOT ME. I CAN'T EVEN
USE A MECHANICAL PENCIL.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH.

OH, YES, ONE SPADE.

I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO PASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

I HATE HAVING THE
SAME THING TO EAT

TWICE IN A ROW.

LIKE IF I HAVE TURKEY FOR LUNCH,

I JUST CAN'T HAVE IT FOR DINNER!

I'LL BET YOU'RE THE
SAME WAY, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

I KNEW IT!

OH, BOY, NAT, I'M REALLY TIRED.

I'M GONNA GET ON TO BED NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M BEAT, TOO.

OH, YOU'LL BE GOING THEN?

YEAH.

NATALIE, YOU AND I HAVE
SO MUCH IN COMMON.

TALKING TO YOU IS ALMOST
LIKE TALKING TO MYSELF.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU
SAY NEXT SATURDAY

WE GO WHITE-WATER RAFTING?

WE'LL USE YOUR RAFT.

SATURDAY? GEE, REX,

I TRY NOT TO GET WET
ON THE WEEKENDS. SORRY.

I'LL CALL YA. RIGHT.

DISCONNECT THE PHONES!

I GUESS WHEN THEY
PASSED OUT PERSONALITY,

HE WAS AT THE SALAD BAR.

WHAT A NIGHT.

MY DREAM DATE WAS A FAILURE.

I'M GONNA GET AN
"F" ON MY PAPER.

MY WHOLE ACADEMIC
CAREER IS OUT THE WINDOW.

AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL
ME I'M OVERREACTING?

NO, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

[LAUGHING]

WE MADE BOOK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.

I WAS SO SURE ROMANCE
WOULD BE GUARANTEED

ONCE YOU ELIMINATED
THE HUMAN FACTOR.

OH, NATALIE, ROMANCE CANNOT
BE MANUFACTURED BY COMPUTER.

LOVE IS THE HUMAN FACTOR.

[LAUGHTER]

GUYS, I DID SOMETHING
REALLY ROTTEN,

AND IF I WERE YOU, I'D
FEEL LIKE PUNCHING ME OUT.

BUT IF I PUNCHED ME OUT,
WOULDN'T I JUST BE SINKING

TO MY OWN LEVEL?

OOH, THAT'S GOOD.

RELAX, NATALIE.

WE ACTUALLY HAD A GOOD TIME.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

THE WHOLE THING WAS A FAILURE.

NO, IT WASN'T.

THEY TURNED OUT TO
BE REALLY NICE GUYS.

NICE? NICE IS NOT LOVE.

NICE IS WHAT YOU
CALL A LAMP OR A CHAIR.

OR A ROAST CHICKEN.

OR A FRIEND.

TONIGHT WE MADE
TWO FRIENDS, NATALIE.

ONCE YOU STOPPED
TRYING TO MARRY US OFF.

TURNS OUT CHIP'S
IN MY WRITING CLUB.

YEAH, DOUG RESTORED
A '56 CHEVY BY HIMSELF.

SO YOU REALLY DID LIKE THEM?

SURE.

WELL, IT'S NOT ROMANCE,

BUT IF I WAS LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE TO GO

TO THE ART MUSEUM
WITH, I'D GIVE CHIP A CALL.

SO AS FRIENDS YOU'RE
VERY COMPATIBLE?

YEAH.

BUT HE'S NOT SOMEONE
YOU WOULD'VE PICKED.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE MET HIM,

YOU REALIZE YOU'RE
MUCH RICHER FOR IT

BECAUSE YOU MADE A FRIEND.

AND FRIENDSHIPS ARE AS
IMPORTANT AS ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE.

HEY, I MAY GET A "B"
ON THIS PAPER YET.

NATALIE, THAT REMINDS ME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE
OF THOSE QUESTIONNAIRES?

THEY'RE IN THE FIREPLACE. WHY?

WELL, I WAS THINKING THAT
MAYBE IT'S THE ANSWER FOR ME.

IT IS! IT IS!

MRS. GARRETT, I WILL FIND
YOU THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

NATALIE, ALL I WANT
IS A BRIDGE PARTNER.

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE
AND ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGIN' ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪

♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪