The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Summer of '84 - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT ♪

♪ TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

AH, YOU GIRLS ALL
MOVED IN UP THERE?

ALMOST, I'M JUST GONNA
PUT THIS IN THE GARAGE

WHILE THERE'S STILL ROOM

JO, THERE'S ENOUGH ROOM OUT
THERE TO OPEN A LUGGAGE SHOP.

THERE BETTER BE.

BLAIR? ARE YOU UNDER THERE?



EVERYONE'S GOT A COMMENT.

I BROUGHT THE BARE
MINIMUM THIS YEAR

I HAVE LIMITED MYSELF
TO 23 PAIRS OF SHOES.

DOES ANYONE APPRECIATE
THE SACRIFICE? NOOOO!

DOES ANYONE SHARE THEIR
CLOSET SPACE WITH ME? NOOOO!

MRS. G., YOUR
DINNER SMELLS GREAT.

I'VE BEEN DYING FOR
YOUR COOKING ALL SUMMER.

I MADE YOUR FAVORITE.

OH, GREAT. SPAGHETTI?

NO. I MADE YOUR FAVORITE.

POT ROAST.

IS THAT MY FAVORITE?

YES.

I GUESS I CAN'T WAIT THEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE
MR. BRISTOL FOR HISTORY AGAIN.

HE'S FUN.

HE'S CRAZY.

HE MAKES YOU ACT
OUT FAMOUS BATTLES.

LAST YEAR WAS
CUSTER'S LAST STAND.

FOR TWO WEEKS I HAD
TO BE SITTING BULL.

AT LEAST YOU WERE
THE WINNING SIDE.

TOOTIE, DON'T FORGET YOUR
ORTHODONTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.

ANY IDEA WHEN THE
GRILL WORK'S COMING OFF?

NO. I'M GOING FROM
BRACES TO DENTURES.

THIS YEAR, COULD
YOU YOU GUYS PLEASE

CALL ME BY MY REAL
NAME, DOROTHY?

WE TRIED CALLING YOU
DOROTHY LAST YEAR,

BUT YOU NEVER ANSWERED.

DOES ANYONE CARE THAT
MY ANGORAS SHEDDING

ON MY CHIFFON? NOOOO!

I KNEW IT.

I SHOULD HAVE BET ON IT.

ON WHAT?

ON YOU GUYS, YOU NEVER CHANGE.

EVERY YEAR, THE FIRST DAY BACK,

BLAIR GRIPES ABOUT CLOSET SPACE,

NATALIE GRIPES ABOUT TEACHERS,

TOOTIE GRIPES ABOUT HER NAME,

AND MRS. G. SAYS...
KEEP ME OUT OF THIS.

KEEP ME OUT OF THIS.

EVERYTHING IS SO PREDICTABLE.

IT'S NOT PREDICTABLE.

IT'S LIFE WITH PEOPLE
WHO REALLY KNOW YOU.

IT'S FRIENDSHIP... STEADY,
RELIABLE, NO SURPRISES.

NO SURPRISES? NOT NO SURPRISES.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

NOTHING.

OH, THAT?

THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

WOULD IT HAVE COUNTED IF

MY HAIR ALMOST
FELL OUT FROM SHOCK.

BUT IT DIDN'T

SO DON'T MAKE A
BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.

OH, I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL.

WHY DON'T WE LET
THEM BE THE JUDGE,

WHY DON'T WE LET THE PEOPLE

WHO REALLY KNOW YOU DECIDE.

OUT WITH IT, TOOTIE,
WHAT HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

THIS SUMMER MY MOM TOOK US TO

A RESORT ON CAPE COD FOR A WEEK.

SOME CUTE BUSBOYS ASKED US OUT,

TO GO BOWLING

SO I WENT LOOKING FOR DOROTHY.

WHAT I SAW TOOK
10 YEARS OFF MY LIFE.

TOOTIE?

NATALIE!

TOOTIE.

NATALIE, DEAR.

THIS IS MY YOUNG
FRIEND, NATALIE GREEN.

IT'S A PLEASURE.

SHALL I CALL YOU TOOTIE?

OH, NO. THAT'S A CHILDHOOD NAME.

LONG FORGOTTEN.

EVERYONE CALLS ME DOROTHY NOW.

THIS IS BILL SIMPSON,

A NEW FRIEND, BUT
SOMEONE WITH WHOM

I HOPE TO BECOME
MUCH CLOSER WITH.

TOOTIE, GO PUT ON A TURTLENECK.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

A WOMAN HAS TO BE READY
FOR NEW EXPERIENCES.

BELIEVE ME, I AM READY.

TERRIFIC, I LOVE A GIRL

WHO IS WILLING TO TAKE CHANCES.

EXCUSE US FOR A MOMENT.

TOOTIE... DOROTHY.

FINE, DOTTY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP IT. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I'M EMBARRASSING YOU?

THERE IS A TIGHTNESS
IN MY CHEST.

AND MY EYE IS
STARTING TO TWITCH.

BLOW THIS FOR ME
AND YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.

I'M SORRY FOR THE
RUDE INTERRUPTION.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I'M READY

FOR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

DOROTHY, YOU ARE VERY APPEALING,

AND I DO WANT A YOUNG GIRL.

WHAT?

YOU'RE A PERVERT,
YOU'RE A SICKO!

HE'S A CASTING DIRECTOR.

YOU'RE A CASTING... WHAT?

I CAST FOR THE
WILLOWGROVE PLAYHOUSE.

THERE'S AN OPENING FOR
A YOUNG LEADING LADY

I WANTED MR. SIMPSON
TO SEE MY RANGE.

WELL, HE SAW THE FRONT BURNERS

THAT'S FOR SURE

I'M SURE YOU'RE TALENTED.

BUT WE'RE GOING A DIFFERENT WAY.

WE NEED SOMEONE
WITH A SCRUBBED LOOK

AND AN AIR OF INNOCENCE.

I CAN DO INNOCENT.

I NEED SOMEONE
WHO CAN PLAY 12 TO 16.

YOU'RE JUST... TOO OLD.

THAT DRESS SOUNDS FABULOUS

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

I BORROWED IT FROM
THE RHUMBA TEACHER.

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB

AT THE PLAYHOUSE DOROTHY.

MAYBE I WOULD HAVE IF I
HAD LET HIM CALL ME TOOTIE.

IT'S NOT THE NAME,
IT'S THE MATURE ACT.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IF
YOU HAVE TO PLAY GROWN-UP,

IT'S A SURE SIGN YOU AREN'T.

OH, AND YOU ARE, RIGHT?

YEAH. I AM.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE I WAS 13 1/2.

THAT'S WHEN I TURNED THE CORNER

AND DEVELOPED MY
STRENGTH OF CHARACTER

AND ABILITY TO COPE.

WANT TO SEE HER ABILITY TO COPE?

SEYMOUR.

DON'T SAY THAT NAME.

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT NAME

WHO IS SEYMOUR?

HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.

THE WEEK IN CAPE COD,

HE KEPT FOLLOWING
NATALIE AROUND.

THE DINING ROOM, THE
POOL, THE HOSPITALITY ROOM.

GIN.

GIN?

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME.

WHAT ARE YOU LEFT WITH?

10, 20, 40...

83.

83! 83!

WHY DIDN'T YOU GET RID
OF THOSE FACE CARDS.

I HAD A PLAN.

IT FAILED.

SEYMOUR, ISN'T IT NAP TIME?

I COULD SLEEP FOR A YEAR.

STILL WOULDN'T MAKE
YOU A BETTER GIN PLAYER.

LET'S TRY IT AND SEE.

IGNORE HIM. LET'S
PLAY TABLE HOCKEY.

GOOD IDEA.

HA HA HA!

SEYMOUR, CUT THAT OUT!

OOOH. WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT?

I'M WARNING YOU, KID.

HE'S A CHILD.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YOU'RE A CHILD. I'M AN ADULT.

I'LL ACT LIKE ONE.

OH, YEAH?

OW!

OK, TWERP... THAT'S... NATALIE.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY
THE GAME IS PLAYED.

CANADIAN RULES.

BESIDES, HE'S ASKING FOR IT.

WE'LL GO PLAY IN THE ROOM.

NO, WE WERE HERE FIRST!

THEN COME HERE AND PLAY.

FINE.

I WANT TO BE BLUE.

OW!

THERE WAS A BUG. A BUG?!

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

GET YOUR GUYS READY.

ANOTHER BUG.

I'LL SHOW YOU A BUG.

THERE'S A BUG.

A TARANTULA STOP HITTING ME!

HEY, HEY, NATALIE!

CONTROL YOURSELF!

YOU'RE TWICE HIS AGE.

I KNOW THAT.

THEN ACT LIKE IT.

NOW, SIT DOWN AND PLAY.

OK.

OK, SNICKERS BREATH, THAT'S IT!

NATALIE, CALM DOWN!

HELP! HELP!

NATALIE, HE'S A CHILD.

SO MUCH FOR MATURITY.

I DIDN'T KILL HIM.
THAT TOOK MATURITY.

HOW DID HE GET AWAY?

TOOTIE TACKLED ME.

NATALIE, YOU DIDN'T REALIZE

THAT SEYMOUR HAD A CRUSH ON YOU.

AND HERE I THOUGHT HE
WAS TRYING TO KILL ME.

BOYS THAT AGE HAVE TROUBLE

EXPRESSING THEIR TRUE FEELINGS.

MRS. GARRETT, YOU REALLY KNOW

WHAT MAKES YOUNG BOYS TICK.

AND OLD BOYS, TOO.

JO.

WHAT?

MRS. G. AND I SPENT

A WEEKEND IN ATLANTIC CITY.

I DON'T THINK THE GIRLS
REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS.

YES, WE DO.

DID SOMETHING
HAPPEN THAT WEEKEND?

WHAT HAPPENED IN ATLANTIC CITY?

ALL I CAN SAY IS,
AFTER THAT WEEKEND,

I HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR MRS. G.

AS A WOMAN.

POT ROAST MUST BE READY.

I'M GOING TO GET IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT HAPPENED THAT
WEEKEND IN ATLANTIC CITY?

I'D TELL YOU GIRLS

BUT I DON'T WANT TO
MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

JO, MAKE US JEALOUS.

COME ON, JO.

THE FIRST NIGHT WE WERE THERE,

MRS, G. HAD A LITTLE LUCK
WITH A ONE ARMED BANDIT.

SO SHE TOOK ME OUT ON THE TOWN.

YOU KNOW, DINNER, A
LITTLE NIGHTCLUBBING.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

TWO GIRLS ON THE
LOOSE IN FUN CITY.

HOW LUCKY CAN A TOWN GET.

YOU PICKED A NICE PLACE.

YEAH.

DO YOU THINK HE PLAYS REQUESTS?

PUT A BUCK IN HIS SNIFTER,
HE'LL PLAY ANYTHING.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU DON'T NEED
EXCUSES, PRETTY LADY.

WOULD YOU PLAY A REQUEST?

ASK ME ANYTHING.

REDHEADS ARE MY WEAKNESS.

WELL, UM... DO YOU
KNOW WHERE OR WHEN?

WHAT ABOUT MIAMI, NEXT WEEK?

BUT, SERIOUSLY... ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ IT SEEMS WE STOOD
AND TALKED LIKE THIS ♪

♪ BEFORE... ♪

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

♪ WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ IN THE SAME WAY THEN ♪

♪ BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE ♪

♪ OR WHEN ♪

♪ THE CLOTHES YOU'RE WEARING ♪

♪ ARE THE CLOTHES ♪

♪ YOU WORE ♪

♪ THE SMILE YOU
ARE SMILING... ♪♪

♪ IT TURNED OUT SO RIGHT ♪

♪ FOR STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ OH DOOBIE DOOBIE
DOOOOOOO... ♪♪

EDNA AND I ARE
TAKING A LITTLE BREAK,

BUT WE'LL BE BACK
IN A LITTLE WHILE

WITH MORE SONGS AND
STYLES FROM VITO MILES...

AND FRIEND.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, IT'S BEEN MAGIC!

THE MAGIC... IS YOU.

OH BOY, THAT WAS FUN.

WAS I UP THERE TOO LONG?

ARE YOU KIDDING, THEY LOVED IT.

YOU GUYS ARE BETTER
THAN JULIO AND WILLIE.

THANKS.

I THINK I'M GOING
TO THE LADIES ROOM.

I AM.

I'M GOING TO THE LADIES ROOM.

OK, GO, MRS. G.

HEY, TAKE YOUR TIME.

[HUMS STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT]

THAT WAS THE LAST I SAW OF HER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN SHE NEVER CAME
BACK TO THE LOUNGE.

SO?

♪ DOOBIE DOOBIE DOO ♪

HA HA HA!

GOOD FOR YOU, MRS. GARRETT

EVERYONE SHOULD
HAVE A SUMMER ROMANCE.

DOES WONDERS FOR THE COMPLEXION.

AND YOU NEVER
RETURNED TO THE LOUNGE?

OF COURSE, WE DID.

YOU DID?

I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

YOU HAD YOUR HANDS
FULL AT THE TIME.

DOING WHAT?

THE LAST THING IN THE
WORLD YOU'D EXPECT FROM JO.

I'LL GO GET THE SALAD.

THERE'S NO SALAD.

I'LL MAKE ONE.

AS I WAS LEAVING
THE LADIES ROOM,

I BUMPED INTO VITO,

AND WE WENT FOR A STROLL
ALONG THE BOARDWALK.

UNFORTUNATELY,

WE KIND OF LOST TRACK OF TIME.

I LOVED SEEING
YOUR ATLANTIC CITY.

MY ATLANTIC CITY
LOVES SEEING YOU.

WE'VE BEEN GONE SO LONG.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE?

THEY LOVE ME HERE.

KNOW WHY THEY CALL
THIS PLACE A PIANO BAR?

NO, WHY? BECAUSE WE
USED TO HAVE SOMEONE HERE

WHO PLAYED THE PIANO.

WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING AT, DUTCH?

PLEASE, DON'T FIRE HIM.

THAT'S OKAY,

I'LL JUST TAKE MY
PIANO AND GO HOME.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY THERE'S
SOMEBODY HERE TO TAKE OVER FOR YOU.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

♪ ♪♪ ♪
♪♪ ♪

♪ FEELINGS ♪

OH!

♪ WOO WOO WOO FEELINGS ♪

COME ON, EVERYBODY, PLEASE.

♪ WOO WOO WOO FEELINGS ♪

♪ AGAIN IN MY ♪

♪ HEART... ♪♪

WHAT A SONG.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO PLAY LIKE THAT?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT.

I WAS A POOR KID FROM
THE STREETS OF THE BRONX.

MY MOTHER...

THE ANGEL.

WELL, SHE WANTED
SOMETHING BETTER FOR ME,

SO SHE TOOK ME TO A BAR...

WHERE SHE WORKED.

AND IN THAT BAR WAS A PIANO MAN.

AND HE TAUGHT THIS
DIRTY-FACED KID...

TO PLAY THE SONGS THAT
MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SING.

AH, TO PLAY THE SONGS OF...

LOVE AND SPECIAL THINGS.

TO PLAY THE... PLAY THE SONG!

PLAY THE SONG!

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

HERE'S AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE.

IT'S ONE OF MY MOM'S FAVORITES.

♪ IT HAD TO BE YOU ♪

♪ IT HAD TO BE YOU ♪

♪ I WANDERED AROUND ♪

♪ FINALLY FOUND ♪

♪ SOMEBODY WHO ♪

♪ COULD MAKE ME BE TRUE ♪

♪ COULD MAKE ME BE BLUE ♪

♪ AND EVEN BE GLAD ♪

♪ JUST TO BE SAD ♪

♪ THINKING OF YOU ♪

♪ SOME OTHERS HAVE SEEN... ♪

IT WAS LOVELY.

I GOT GOOSE BUMPS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US

YOU COULD PLAY THE PIANO?

'CAUSE AFTER THE ACCIDENT,

THEY SAID I'D NEVER PLAY AGAIN.

WHAT ACCIDENT?

JO TOLD A JOKE, TOOTIE. STOP.

JO DOESN'T TELL JOKES.

YOU CAN LIVE WITH
SOMEBODY FOR YEARS,

AND SUDDENLY YOU DISCOVER

THEY'VE GOT A PERSONALITY.

WHY LOOK AT ME...

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
DINNER'S READY.

WAIT A SECOND DOESN'T
ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR

WHAT I DID OVER MY SUMMER?

WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID THIS SUMMER

YOU WENT TO PARIS AND SHOPPED,

AND LONDON AND SHOPPED...

BUT THAT WASN'T MY WHOLE SUMMER.

I WENT TO IOWA.

YOU WENT TO IOWA?

TO SHOP?

NO.

CLIFF THOUGHT THAT
AFTER GOING TOGETHER

ALL THESE MONTHS, I
SHOULD MEET HIS PARENTS.

THEY LIVE IN IOWA.

OH.

ON A FARM.

ON A FARM?

AS IN E-I-E-I-O?

I BELIEVE SO. YES.

ANYWAY, WE WEREN'T
THERE FIVE MINUTES

WHEN MR. WINFIELD
THREW OUT HIS BACK

TRYING TO LIFT UP
MY MAKE-UP CASE.

ANYWAY, HE WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE LAID UP FOR TWO WEEKS,

SO EVERYONE HAD TO PITCH IN.

I, OF COURSE, DID MY PART.

AND HELPED OUT, JUST
LIKE A REGULAR PERSON.

IS HELPING OVER YET?

IT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN.

BLAIR, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD CHANGE

OUT OF THAT DRESS?

AND INTO WHAT?

THIS IS ALL I BROUGHT.

AFTER ALL, YOU PROMISED PICNICS,
AND HAYRIDES, AND HOEDOWNS

I KNOW THIS ISN'T YOUR
IDEA OF A VACATION.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE
THE TRAIN BACK TONIGHT?

NO. I'M A GOOD SPORT.

SO, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO NOW?

WELL, YOU WANT TO MILK THE COW?

DO I HAVE TO?

NO. YOU COULD CLEAN THE STABLE.

FINE.

DO YOU HAVE A BROOM?

AH, YOU'LL NEED A SHOVEL.

I'LL MILK THE COW.

WHERE'S THE GLASS?

A BUCKET WILL BE EASIER.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU UNSCREW?

BOSSIE, YOU'LL HAVE
TO HOLD IT A WHILE.

COME ON. WE'LL SLOP THE PIGS.

SLOP THE PIGS!?

DID YOU SAY THERE WAS
A 4:10 TRAIN OUT OF HERE?

MAYBE YOU'D RATHER

SIT ON THE PORCH
NEXT TO MY FATHER.

OF COURSE, I WOULD.

BUT I SAID I'LL HELP.

FINE.

GRAB A BUCKET.

YOU KNOW THIS MAY SURPRISE YOU,

BUT I'VE NEVER FED A PIG BEFORE.

HERE, PIGGY, PIGGY, PIGGY.

NO, NO, BLAIR.

LIKE THIS.

OH, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THAT BIG ONE'S EATING ALL OF IT.

DON'T BE A PIG.

THIS LITTLE GUY'S
NOT GETTING ANY.

OVER HERE. OW!

COME OVER HERE, OVER HERE.

OH!

OH!

OOH!

ARE YOU OK?

EVERYTHING WAS FINE
UNTIL I TRIED TO STAND UP.

I SPRAINED MY ANKLE.

OH, BLAIR, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

NOT REALLY.

FOR THE NEXT WEEK I SAT ON
THE PORCH WITH MR. WINFIELD.

WE ROCKED AND TALKED.

EVERYBODY WAITED
ON US HAND AND FOOT.

NOW THAT'S WHAT
I CALL A VACATION.

BLAIR WARNER SLOPPING PIGS!

I STILL DON'T BUY IT.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT.

BUT I HAVE DOCUMENTED PROOF.

CLIFF'S MOTHER TOOK PICTURES.

HERE'S ME AND BOSSIE.

YOU LOOK ADORABLE.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY,

YOU FIND OUT YOU DON'T.

OH, LOOK, HERE'S
BLAIR AND THE PIG.

WHICH ONE IS THE PIG?

OH, JO, THAT'S SO PREDICTABLE,

INSULTING BLAIR.

I WASN'T INSULTING BLAIR.

I WAS INSULTING THE PIG.