The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 7 - Advance Placement - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ THEN SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

[BELL RINGS]

HEY, GUYS, WAIT
TILL YOU HEAR THIS.

MR. PARKER.

OH, HI, GIRLS.

HELLO, CHARLES. EDNA.

TELL THEM, MR. PARKER.

HUH? OH, YES.

EDNA, I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH THIS SHOP.



WELL, THANK YOU, CHARLES.

I HEAR BUSINESS IS GOOD.

WELL, I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY HERE?

ECSTATIC. AH, THAT'S NICE.

EDNA, COME BACK TO EASTLAND!

CHARLES!

TELL THEM, MR. PARKER.

ALL RIGHT, I WANTED TO
COME DOWN IN PERSON

AND TELL YOU THE GOOD
NEWS ABOUT NATALIE.

ALSO TO PICK UP A
DOZEN CROISSANTS.

PLAIN OR CHOCOLATE?

SIX OF ONE, HALF A
DOZEN OF THE OTHER.

[LAUGHING]

CAN WE PLEASE GET ON
WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT?

OH, YES... WELL, AS YOU
MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW,

A WHILE BACK, I GOT
THIS IDEA OF SETTING UP

SOME SORT OF A LIAISON
WITH LANGLEY COLLEGE...

UH, THIS IS THE DULL PART.

SKIP AHEAD. SKIP AHEAD.

YES, YES.

ALL RIGHT, LAST WEEK,

I GOT A CALL FROM
THE DEAN AT LANGLEY

TELLING ME TO GO AHEAD

WITH THE LANGLEY-EASTLAND
ADVANCED PLACEMENT PROGRAM.

YOU SEE, THE IDEA THERE.

I GET TO TAKE A
COURSE AT LANGLEY!

NATALIE, THAT'S GREAT!

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

BECAUSE OF MY... AND I QUOTE...

"EXCEPTIONAL ACADEMIC RECORD."

I HAVE BEEN INVITED

TO TAKE ONE OF THESE
FRESHMAN-LEVEL COURSES AT LANGLEY.

ALL RIGHT. GREAT!

THREE GIRLS AT
LANGLEY! WHAT A COUP!

YOU KNOW, IT'S THINGS LIKE THIS THAT
INCREASE ALUMNI DONATIONS, UH-HUH.

SO WHAT CLASS ARE
YOU GONNA YOU TAKE?

OH, I THOUGHT I'D CONSULT MY
FRESHMAN ADVISORS ON THAT.

YEAH, I THINK WE CAN
HELP YOU OUT THERE.

OH, YES, NATALIE.

I'M SURE THEY'D BE
GLAD TO GIVE YOU

THE BENEFIT OF THEIR
WEEKS OF EXPERIENCE.

MEANWHILE, CHARLES, HOW ABOUT
A COOK'S TOUR OF THE HOUSE?

LEAD THE WAY. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S SEE
YOUR LIST, NATALIE.

OK, HERE IT IS.

ENGLISH 110, "THE GENIUS
OF NORMAN MAILER,"

TAUGHT BY NORMAN MAILER.

AH, THAT'S THE ONE.

NO, LOOK. IT'S AT
8:00 IN THE MORNING.

TOO EARLY.

OH, OF COURSE.

HERE'S ONE THAT MEETS
AT 11:00, "ANIMALS IN ART."

TOO INCONVENIENT. IT MEETS
WAY OVER IN VESTIGE HALL.

YOU'D HAVE TO LEAVE
HERE 10 MINUTES EARLIER.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
SEE IF THERE'S SOMETHING

THAT MEETS HERE
IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THAT WAY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO LEAVE HERE AT ALL.

OOH, HOW ABOUT ONE
IN McCLENDON HALL.

PERFECT.

AND IT'S AT NOON. IDEAL!

GREAT! WHAT COURSE IS THAT?

WHO CARES?

IT'S MODERN DRAMA.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO I WEAR?

CLOTHES.

CLOTHES. OK, I HAVE THOSE.

HEY, GUYS!

HI, GUY.

SO, NATALIE, HOW'D YOU
DO ON THAT CHEKHOV PAPER?

I GOT AN "A."

OH, IF YOU DON'T
COUNT THE PLUSES.

AND TO THINK, THIS
IS THE SAME GIRL

WHO WENT TO HER FIRST DAY OF CLASS
WITH A RETURN OF THE JEDI NOTEBOOK.

THAT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO.

I WAS YOUNG THEN.

SOCCER TEAM LOSES AGAIN.

I WAS AT THAT
GAME... IT WAS GREAT!

WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT
A 13 TO NOTHING LOSS?

THE GUYS WEAR SHORTS.

[ALL LAUGH]

WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DOING SOME
SERIOUS CHUCKLING AT THIS TABLE.

MIND IF I MIX?

ALL IN FAVOR SAY "GET LOST."

TRES FUNNY.

I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR, BOOTS.

WOULD YOU, DEAR? UH-HUH.

WARNSY, HAVE YOU HEARD
ABOUT GAMMA GAMMA?

THE SORORITY HOUSE IS IN
THE THROES A MAJOR REDO

FROM THE HARDWOODS UP.

AND YOU WON'T BE THERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, BOOTS.

I'M VERY HAPPY WHERE I AM.

YOU BRAVE SOUL, YOU.

AND LITTLE NATALIE!

STILL LEADING YOUR DOUBLE LIFE?

HOW DO YOU MANAGE
TO SEG BACK AND FORTH

BETWEEN LANGLEY AND EASTLAND?

OH, IT'S EASY. I HAVE MY
EASTLAND UNIFORM UNDER THIS.

I'M FINE UNTIL THE
WEATHER WARMS UP.

[ALL LAUGHING]

LIGHT BULB!

YOU KNOW, YOUR EXPERIENCE

WOULD MAKE A SUPER STORY
FOR THE DAILY LANGLIAN...

GOOD IDEA!

I COULD TALK TO THE
FEATURES EDITOR.

YOU COULD?

CERTAINEMENT.

LIKE ALL CAMPUS VIPs,
SHE'S A GAMMA GAMMA.

SHE MIGHT FIND SOME INK TO
WRITE A SHORT STORY ABOUT YOU.

REALLY?

YOU THINK MAYBE SHE'D
LET ME WRITE IT, TOO?

WHY, I THINK SHE
WOULD BE ENCHANTED

BY YOUR ADOLESCENCE-EYE VIEW.

THANKS, BOOTS. YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

OH, IT'S BEEN SAID BEFORE.

BUT FEAR NOT.

I'LL DROP THE IDEA INTO HER
CAPPUCCINO AFTER DINNER.

TA!

IS IT JUST ME, OR IS
EVERYBODY NAUSEOUS?

COME ON, JO. THIS IS GREAT.

I'M WRITING FOR THE EASTLANDER
AND THE DAILY LANGLIAN.

IT'S LIKE BEING SYNDICATED!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TIME?

YOU HAVE THE SENIOR
SPOOF TO DO, TOO.

YEAH, YEAH, PIECE OF CAKE.

WHAT'S THE SENIOR SPOOF?

THE UNDERCLASSMEN
ROAST THE SENIORS...

IT'S AN EASTLAND TRADITION.

AH, SO YOU GUYS GOT THE
TREATMENT LAST YEAR, HUH?

OH, YEAH... BOY, DID WE
GO TO TOWN ON THEM.

YEAH? THEY WERE
THE EASIEST OF ALL.

YEAH?

THERE WAS SO MUCH
JUICY STUFF TO WORK WITH.

LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
INTERESTED, NATALIE.

OH, WE CERTAINLY ARE.

COME ON, TELL US, NAT.

WELL, THERE WAS THE TIME
BLAIR WAS SPRAYED BY A SKUNK.

[ALL LAUGHING]

NATALIE!

IT WAS AT THE CHRISTMAS DANCE,

AND SHE WAS WITH JEFF
MORGAN, OUT IN THE WOODS,

WHICH WAS STRICTLY OFF LIMITS,

BUT BLAIR WAS
WILD IN THOSE DAYS.

[ALL LAUGHING]

ANYWAY, FOR MONTHS AFTERWARD,

THEY CALLED HER PEPE LE PEW.

[ALL LAUGHING]

NO KIDDING?

PEPE.

OH, AND THIS ONE OVER HERE.

TWO YEARS AGO, SHE VISITED
HER FRIEND AT STONE ACADEMY.

FOR TWO DAYS, SHE WALKED
AROUND IN A MOTORCYCLE HELMET

AND A LEATHER JACKET.

EVERYBODY THOUGHT SHE WAS A GUY.

[ALL LAUGHING]

SOMEBODY EVEN OFFERED
TO FIX HER UP WITH HIS SISTER!

[ALL LAUGHING]

THIS IS GREAT DIRT. WHAT ELSE?

NOTHING ELSE!

OH, NO, NO. THERE'S PLENTY MORE.

LIKE THE TIME JO
WANTED TO BECOME A NUN.

NO! SHE REALLY DID.

AND BLAIR SAID IT WAS THE
STUPIDEST THING SHE EVER HEARD,

AND JO DECKED HER!

[ALL LAUGHING]

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

THANKS A LOT. OH, THANKS.

EXCUSE ME, MISS, I'D
LIKE TO PAY FOR THIS.

TOOTIE.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE SECOND.

THAT'LL BE $3.18.

NATALIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I THOUGHT YOU FINISHED THAT
ARTICLE FOR THE LANGLEY NEWSPAPER.

OH, I DID. DAYS AGO.

I'M WORKING ON THE PROGRAM NOTES

THAT BOOTS WANTED FOR
THE PIA ZADORA FILM FESTIVAL.

COME AGAIN!

I SAID I'M WRITING NOTES...

NATALIE, I HEARD YOU!

MISS... TOOTIE.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE SECOND.

I SUPPOSE IT WOULD
BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE

TO ASK YOU TO HELP ME OUT HERE.

HOLD THAT... THIS
IS REALLY FLOWING.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE MOMENT.

THEN HOW ABOUT LETTING
SOME OF THOSE MOMENTS

FLOW INTO THE SPOOF SKITS
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WRITE?

TOOTIE, I CAN KNOCK THAT
STUFF OUT IN A HALF AN HOUR.

I DON'T WANT IT KNOCKED
OUT. I WANT IT WRITTEN FUNNY.

GREAT, TOOTIE! I HAVE
NOW LOST THE MOMENT

BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPOOF!

STUPID?

FACE IT, TOOTIE.

THE SENIOR SPOOF IS NOTHING

BUT A SOPHOMORIC PIECE OF FLUFF.

OF COURSE IT'S SOPHOMORIC.
I'M A SOPHOMORE!

WHAT'S ALL THE SHOUTING ABOUT?

THIS IS A STORE,
NOT A HOCKEY GAME.

HI!

CAN I HELP YOU?

[SIGHS]

MAYBE I'LL COME BACK LATER.

OH, OH, PLEASE DO.

AND-AND-AND HAVE A SPLENDID DAY.

[FORCED LAUGH]

SOMEONE'S GOING TO DIE.

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT IT
JUST COST ME A CUSTOMER?

NATALIE IS IMPOSSIBLE!

I'M COUNTING ON HER
FOR THE SENIOR SPOOF,

I'VE GOT A PRODUCTION
MEETING TONIGHT,

AND SHE'S WRITING SOME
DUMB THING FOR BOOTS.

NATALIE... JUST A SEC.

[BOTH GROAN]

[BELL RINGS]

HI, GIRLS. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

GREAT, IF YOU'RE A SKUNK.

OH, DEAR, ARE THEY STILL
CALLING YOU PEPE LE PEW?

YES, THEY ARE.

THANKS TO MISS "LET'S
CUT UP OUR BEST FRIENDS

FOR THE AMUSEMENT
OF OTHERS" OVER HERE.

BLAIR, WHY ARE YOU WASTING
GOOD LUNG POWER ON HER?

WHY? BECAUSE, THANKS TO HER,

I AM A WALKING JOKE.

AND YOU WERE ALMOST RECRUITED

BY THE MEN'S WRESTLING TEAM.

GIRLS, KEEP IT DOWN.

I HAVE SOUFFLES IN THE OVEN.

[BELL RINGS]

YOO-HOO! CAN NATALIE
COME OUT AND PLAY?

BOOTSY! OH!

WE'RE FETCHING BOXES
TODAY, REMEMBER?

RIGHT. I'LL JUST GO GET MY COAT.

SO YOU'LL KNOW,

I'M MOVING FROM MY SPACIOUS
ONE ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR

TO A POSITIVELY ENORMOUS
SUITE ON THE SECOND FLOOR.

NATALIE'S HELPING ME PACK.

I'M READY!

HAVEN'T WE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

OH, RIGHT.

OH, GRAVY!

THEY'RE TICKETING MY VOLVO.

FORGIVE MOI.

WHERE'S BOOTS?

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IS THIS?

YOU'RE DOING HER LAUNDRY?

I DIDN'T DO IT. I
JUST PICKED IT UP.

FAVOR FOR A FRIEND.

A FRIEND?

NATALIE, SHE'S JUST USING YOU.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. I DO.

YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE

AFTER YOU'VE IRONED HER SKIRTS.

WELL, THEN, YOU DON'T
WANT TO KEEP HER WAITING.

SHE MIGHT NEED YOU
TO WAX HER VOLVO.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

I'M A BIG HIT WITH YOUR
FRIENDS, AND YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.

I'M DOING BETTER AT
COLLEGE THAN YOU ARE.

NATALIE!

WE'RE ALL GLAD YOU'RE
ENJOYING LANGLEY,

BUT IT'S JUST ONE COURSE.

FOR NOW.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I AM AN EXCEPTIONAL STUDENT.

SO?

SO... I HAPPENED TO DROP IN

ON THE LANGLEY
ADMISSIONS OFFICE.

WE CHATTED FOR A WHILE.

GET TO THE POINT, NATALIE.

IT'S ALL WORKED OUT.

IF I TAKE A COUPLE EXTRA
COURSES THIS SUMMER

AND KEEP MY GRADE
POINT AVERAGE UP,

I CAN SKIN MY SENIOR
YEAR AT EASTLAND

AND ENTER LANGLEY IN THE FALL.

[HORN HONKS]

THAT'S BOOTSY. GOTTA RUN.

TA!

I NEED SOME DIRT
ON ROSE SPENCER,

AND I CAN'T THINK OF A THING.

I THOUGHT WRITING THOSE
SKITS WAS NATALIE'S JOB.

OH, IT WAS, MRS. GARRETT,

BUT I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

WHEN LAST SIGHTED, SHE
WAS SHINING THE PENNIES

IN BOOTS'S LOAFERS.

BEFORE THAT, SHE WAS TRYING TO GET
THEM TO LET HER IN THE GERMAN CLUB.

NATALIE DOESN'T SPEAK GERMAN.

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FRENCH, EITHER,
BUT SHE JOINED THAT ONE YESTERDAY.

YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT
ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DOING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
STILL MAD AT HER.

OH, WE ARE.

SHE'S JUST HARD TO IGNORE.

SHE'S EVERYWHERE.

HANGING OUT AT THE
LANGLEY BOOKSTORE.

HANGING AROUND
THE STUDENT UNION.

WEARING HER LANGLEY SWEATSHIRT.

MMM... WELL, I KNOW YOU GIRLS

HAVE BEEN COVERING
FOR HER IN THE SHOP.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

HEY, WE DON'T MIND THE OVERTIME,

WHICH REMINDS ME...
CORRECT... PAYDAY!

OK, JO. THANKS.

TOOTIE... THANKS.

BLAIR. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[BELL RINGS]

UH, WHAT A DAY.

SORRY I'M LATE, MRS. GARRETT,

BUT I WAS HAVING
COFFEE WITH A COUPLE

FRIENDS OF MINE AT LANGLEY.

LOST ALL TRACK OF TIME.

BUT I AM HERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

WELL, RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN CHANGE
THE SIGN FROM OPEN TO CLOSED.

IS IT THAT LATE?

IT'S AMAZING HOW TIME FLIES
WHEN YOU'RE GOOFING OFF.

AU CONTRAIRE, WARNSY.

I WAS HAVING A MEANINGFUL
DISCUSSION WITH ALICIA AND BOOTS.

THEY'RE A SKETCH AND A HALF.

SPEAKING OF SKETCHES, WE
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE SPOOF.

UHH! DIDN'T I GIVE
YOU THOSE SKITS?

THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT. THEY'RE LOUSY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LOUSY?

I RAN THEM BY THE
SPOOF COMMITTEE.

THEY WERE GREETED
BY A RESOUNDING SNORE.

ARE YOU SURE THOSE
KIDS GOT MY JOKES?

WHAT JOKES?

MAYBE THEY'RE A
LITTLE OVER YOUR HEAD.

OH, I SEE, AND ONLY A COLLEGE
MIND COULD APPRECIATE THEM?

YOUR WORDS, NOT MINE.

YOU WANT ME TO KILL HER FOR YOU?

NATALIE, THE SKITS AREN'T FUNNY.

THEY NEED SPICE. I WANT
YOU TO PUNCH 'EM UP.

[SCOFFS] ME PUNCH THEM UP?

JO, PUNCH HER OUT.

TOOTIE, I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

NATALIE, YOU SAID
YOU WERE GONNA...

COME ON NOW, YOU TWO!

LOOK, ARE YOU GONNA
REDO THEM OR NOT?

NOT! WHAT YOU SEE
IS WHAT YOU GET.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR KID STUFF!

FINE!

NATALIE, IT'S TIME WE TALKED.

[BELL RINGS]

HIDY-HO, EVERYBODY.

HIDY-HO TO YOU, BOOTS.

THIS IS WHAT WE GET FOR
NOT LOCKING THE DOOR.

I SAW THE CLOSED SIGN,

BUT, NATURALLY, I ASSUMED
IT DIDN'T PERTAIN TO ME.

Blair: TO WHAT DO WE OWE THE
PLEASURE OF THIS INTRUSION?

AND HOW LONG'S IT GONNA TAKE?

GIRLS, WHERE ARE OUR MANNERS?

WHAT'S ON THE WIRE, BOOTS?

WELL, I WAS HOPING
TO LASSO A WEDGE

OF THAT MARVELOUS DUCKLING PATE.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU
REOPENING THE BOOKS JUST FOR ME.

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
TRADESPEOPLE DISLIKE DOING THAT.

NO PROBLEM, BOOTS.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE?

OH, A HALF A SMIDGE OR SO.

GEE, WE ONLY SELL IT
BY THE WHOLE SMIDGE.

OH, WHY NOT?

ONE GOOD, HARD ROUND OF
BACKGAMMON WILL BURN IT OFF, HA!

[NATALIE LAUGHING]

NATALIE, I NEARLY
FORGOT WHY I STOPPED BY.

OH, MY STORY!

12 HOURS BEFORE
OFFICIAL PUBLICATION.

HERE IT IS.

"AN UNDERCLASSMEN
LOOKS AT LANGLEY."

HEY, THIS ISN'T MY
OPENING PARAGRAPH.

THEY PULLED THIS
UP FROM THE MIDDLE.

WHERE DID THIS COME
FROM? I DIDN'T WRITE THIS.

MY SCRIBE SISTER MENTIONED
SHE REWORKED IT A BIT.

NO ONE REWORKS
ME... I'M AN EDITOR.

YOU'RE THE EDITOR OF
A HIGH SCHOOL PAPER.

THIS IS COLLEGE!

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!

AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU'RE IN THE FRENCH
CLUB. FIGURE IT OUT.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. I MEAN, I
WROTE SOME GOOD STUFF.

WELL, THEN, MAYBE THAT'S WHAT
YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED IN.

WELL, HERE'S YOUR SMIDGE, BOOTS.

$4.00.

THANKS.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO RUN.

MY KNEE SOCKS ARE
STARTING TO BAG.

WHOOSH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

WHAT ELSE COULD HAPPEN TO ME?

WELL... HERE'S YOUR PAYCHECK.

UH, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAS THIS EDITED, TOO?

$18? MRS. GARRETT!

UH, WHAT'S THE
STORY, MRS. GARRETT?

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CHECK?

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN
WORKING LESS THAN USUAL.

NOT THIS MUCH LESS.

NATALIE, LAST WEEK, YOU
WERE SCHEDULED FOR 16 HOURS.

YOU MISSED NINE OF THEM.

BUT I'VE BEEN BUSY.

OK, NOT IN THE SHOP,

BUT WITH THAT NEWSPAPER ARTICLE,

MY LANGUAGE CLUBS,
AND THE FILM FESTIVAL.

YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY FOR THAT?

CAN'T WE JUST CALL IT AN
ADVANCE ON MY SALARY?

AN ADVANCE? WHAT FOR?

I JUST GOT THE BILL FOR MY
CHARGE ACCOUNT AT THE BOOKSTORE.

YOU HAVE A LANGLEY CHARGE CARD?

I DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

CHARLES! EDNA.

OH, HELLO, NATALIE.

HIDY-HO, MR. PARKER.

I JUST STOPPED BY TO TALK
ABOUT A COUPLE OF QUICK THINGS.

NOW, UH, PROVOST
McGOVERN AT BATES,

HAS HE CALLED YOU YET?

NO. WHY? GOOD.

WELL, HIS ANNIVERSARY

IS ON THE SAME DAY
AS MY WIFE'S BIRTHDAY...

OH, WELL, THAT'S MONTHS AWAY.

WELL, I OVERHEARD HIM SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT GETTING YOU CATER HIS AFFAIR

NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER
MY EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU KNOW THAT YOU STILL ARE.

OH, CHARLES, MY BIGGEST REGRET

IS THAT I CAN ONLY CATER YOUR
WIFE'S BIRTHDAY ONCE A YEAR.

REALLY?

WHAT'S THE SECOND THING?

OH, RIGHT.

NATALIE, WE HAVE TO TALK.

UH-OH.

I COULDN'T HAVE PUT
IT BETTER MYSELF.

NATALIE, IT SEEMS YOUR
GRADE POINT AVERAGE

HAS SLIPPED A LITTLE BIT.

OH, I KNOW THAT.

BUT I WAS FIGURING ON
RALLYING AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

WHEN I SAY A LITTLE BIT,

I DON'T MEAN A LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN A WHOLE LOT.

NATALIE?

WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED?

WELL, FROM WHAT I HEAR,
WE'VE GOTTEN A FEW Cs,

TAKEN A COUPLE OF INCOMPLETES,

CUT A FEW CLASSES.

YOU CUT CLASSES?

I HAD NO IDEA!

COME ON, MR. PARKER,

I DIDN'T LET THINGS
SLIDE THAT MUCH.

TELL THAT TO LANGLEY.

THEY'VE RESCINDED THE
OFFER OF EARLY ADMISSION.

THEY CAN'T DO THAT!
THEY'VE DONE IT.

THEY SAID I WAS AN
EXCEPTIONAL STUDENT!

WELL, WHEN THEY
SAID IT, YOU WERE.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

ARE THEY AT LEAST GONNA LET ME
FINISH THE COURSE I'M TAKING NOW?

PROBABLY... THAT WAS
BASED ON PAST PERFORMANCE.

BEFORE YOUR DECLINE AND FALL.

BUT YOU'D BETTER PAY
MORE ATTENTION TO EASTLAND.

I AM STILL YOUR HEADMASTER.

AND I CAN STILL MAKE IT PRETTY
TOUGH ON GIRLS WHO CUT CLASSES.

NOW, DO WE UNDERSTAND
EACH OTHER, NATALIE?

YES, MR. PARKER.

GOOD.

[CHUCKLING] OH!
EDNA... I ALMOST FORGOT.

PLEASE COME BACK TO EASTLAND.

NO, CHARLES.

WE'VE GOT ALL-NEW ICE TRAYS.

[GASPS]

THAT'S VERY TEMPTING.

I'M HAPPY HERE.

WE'LL TALK AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

GOOD-BYE.

BYE-BYE, CHARLES.

[CHUCKLING]

LET'S NOT PANIC, MRS. GARRETT.

I'VE GOT A WAY OUT OF THIS.

YOU DO? YES.

YOU WRITE A LETTER TO LANGLEY.

SAY I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN
LONG HOURS AT THE STORE.

I'VE HAD FAMILY
PROBLEMS, I GOT BEHIND.

BUT YOU KNOW I'M A BRIGHT GIRL,

AND I'LL RAISE MY
AVERAGE IN NO TIME.

YOU WANT ME TO LIE FOR YOU?

THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT.

FORGET IT, NATALIE.

BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID!

I MEAN, WHY SHOULD
I HAVE TO WAIT

ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR
TO GO TO LANGLEY?

BECAUSE YOUR GRADES
AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE.

COME ON, I'M READY
FOR COLLEGE NOW.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW
TO LOUNGE IN THE STUDENT UNION

AND HANG OUT IN THE BOOKSTORE?

NATALIE, IF YOU
WANT TO GO COLLEGE,

YOU GOTTA EARN
THAT BY HARD WORK.

FACE IT... YOU BLEW IT.

BE A PAL, MRS. GARRETT!

I MEAN, PUT
YOURSELF IN MY PLACE.

OK, LET'S SEE.

I'VE JUST GOTTEN A WARNING
FROM THE HEADMASTER,

MY GRADES ARE IN THE CELLAR, AND
MY PARENTS ARE GONNA HIT THE ROOF.

I'VE INSULTED AND
HUMILIATED MY BEST FRIENDS.

I... I DON'T THINK I
WANNA BE IN YOUR PLACE.

NEITHER DO I.

MRS. GARRETT, DO
YOU THINK THEY HATE ME

AS MUCH AS I THINK THEY HATE ME?

WELL... RIGHT NOW... YES.

WELL, SINCE WE'RE
NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS,

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL THEM ABOUT LANGLEY.

OH, I THINK THEY'LL
GET SUSPICIOUS

WHEN THEY SEE YOU'VE
STOPPED SWAGGERING.

OK..

I WILL GIVE THEM THE NEWS

AND APOLOGIZE AT DINNER.

IT IS IMPOLITE TO
CALL SOMEONE A SLIME

WHEN YOUR MOUTH IS FULL.

I'LL TELL THEM NOW.

TELL US WHAT?

OH, TOOTIE, MY WORLD
HAS CRUMBLED AROUND ME.

MY GRADES ARE IN THE TOILET,

MR. PARKER JUST
GAVE ME A LECTURE,

I CAN'T GO TO LANGLEY NEXT YEAR,

AND ONLY NOW DO I REALIZE

WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

MY FRIENDS.

I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON YOU

TO STAND BY ME THROUGH
MY HOUR OF NEED.

DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH, BOZO.

[LAUGHING]

TOOTIE... BLAIR, JOE,
NATALIE BOMBED OUT!

TOOTIE!

Jo: WHAT DO YOU
MEAN SHE BOMBED OUT?

Tootie: SHE CAN'T GO
TO LANGLEY NEXT YEAR!

Blair: OH, IT'S ABOUT TIME
SHE WAS CUT DOWN TO SIZE.

Natalie: YOU GUYS HAVE
THE SENSITIVITY OF A SKUNK.

Blair: THEY DON'T CALL ME
PEPE LE PEW FOR NOTHING.

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪

♪ AND ENJOY THE
FUN OF MANAGING ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR 'EM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET 'EM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO
TO GET YOU THROUGH ♪

♪ IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪